How to reply to "nice" people who are "concerned" and make assumptions?

[38carrots]

1. Workshop leader to me: I wish you were comfortable to join this particular group.

 

Me: Thank you, I'm comfortable, but it is just not my thing.

 

Workshop leader, next week: I wish you were comfortable...(Same group).

 

Me, trying not to glare.

 

I resent the idea that she assumes that if someone is not joining, they are uncomfortable.

 

2.  Workshop leader to me: How are you? I was worried about you last night. I got home and I was thinking about you. I was worried.

 

Me: Why? (eyes wide)

 

Workshop leader: You were so quiet in class. Is everything okay?

 

Me, trying not to glare: I'm usually quiet. (The problem is, I wasn't quiet, I was behaving as usual. So yes, I was a bit snarky. But I was taken aback with this "concern." It came out of nowhere!)

 

She keeps making assumptions about how I feel, and I find it intrusive and inappropriate. Patronizing. Am I not replying with enough clarity?

 

She is one of those people who is so "senstive" and "strives not to offend"...

 

 

 

 

[AmandaVT]

Hmm - I'm pretty direct. 

 

For #1: "You've mentioned me being uncomfortable a couple of times now, what makes you think I am uncomfortable because I can assure you I am not uncomfortable, just not interested in the group. Thank you for your concern though." 

 

#2: "If that happens again, feel free to ask me in the moment. I'm fine and I promise, I'll let you know if there's ever anything you need to worry about. Thank you for your thoughts, but I'm doing great." 

[38carrots]

Hmm - I'm pretty direct. 

 

For #1: "You've mentioned me being uncomfortable a couple of times now, what makes you think I am uncomfortable because I can assure you I am not uncomfortable, just not interested in the group. Thank you for your concern though." 

 

#2: "If that happens again, feel free to ask me in the moment. I'm fine and I promise, I'll let you know if there's ever anything you need to worry about. Thank you for your thoughts, but I'm doing great." 

 

She sneaks up on me so unexpectedly that I'm always taken aback and really not ready to say anything coherent! lol

[bolt.]

Try,

 

"It's probably a mistake for you to interpret people's {disinterest} as {discomfort}; I'm actually {not interested}."

 

"It's probably a mistake for you to interpret people's {quiet personality} as {being upset}; I actually felt {perfectly normal}."

 

You can follow it up with "concern" of your own -- "Do you often have this sort of trouble misreading people? Can I help in any way?"

Edited June 2, 2017 by bolt.

[Plink]

I'd assume that the leader isn't really great at conversation and that mentioning something she has observed has become her default "connecting with people in groups" starter.  It is awkward because her observations are obviously not terribly astute or sensitive.

 

Is she somehow receiving a commission if you join this group? She seems very invested in getting you there.  

[38carrots]

This is the same person?  You say "workshop leader"  does this mean someone at church?  I sometimes don't understand stand church dynamics. 

 

For the first, I might say something like "actually, I just really don't enjoy book club/bible discussions/knitting/whatever."  Or, just beg off with a lie-"sorry, my kid has music lessons that day."

 

For the second....

 

"Oh, gosh I appreaciate your concern.  I am so sorry that your time/mind was occupied with nothing at all.  If I have a problem I will be SURE to call you first."

 

Oh, no, not at church! More like a writing workshop.

 

Those are good replies. I do get a bit flustered around people like her.

[heartlikealion]

Is she talking to you in front of people or privately? If in front of people that would make me uncomfortable. I might either want to crawl under a rock and not return to the group or find someone I connect with in the group and sit near them. Maybe she wouldn't approach me with those awkward comments if I'm not alone/interacting with others.

 

I might layer it on thick... "oh no! I'm just not very talkative" in case her reason for asking is because she's secretly worried she said something wrong.

[38carrots]

Oh oh oh oh...ok wait...so this is one specific "workshop/class" that you are a part of, but you are more of an "observant/take it all in" type, in class, vs someone who is always asking questions/bringing up ideas, etc.   Is that right?

 

If that is the case, then it seems to me that actually she's trying to encourage you to participate more and very bad about just saying so.

 

In either case then, you might actually say something like "Actually, I am learning quite a bit from the class, I am just a better auditory/verbal learner, as opposed to conversational learner. 

 

Well, I'm actually and actual "observer." I'm supposed to be there, but I'm not a workshop participant. Hard to explain. Not exactly an assistant...hm...I'm not sure what I am! But she is supposed to leave me alone.

[myfunnybunch]

You're not doing anything wrong. She's likely uncomfortable in some way, projecting her discomfort onto you, and trying (probably not consciously) to get you to behave more in line with her expectations and comfort level.

 

I'd probably smile and say, "No worry. I am not interested in participating, thank you. If I am uncomfortable at any time, I'll let you know."

[bolt.]

It's sounds really, like she is insecure on the inside (aren't we all!). Maybe she is unsure how her teaching/leading/facilitating is going. Something about your reactions or non-reactions is making her want to check in with you.

 

Could you try intentional smiling and 'throwing her a bone' once in a while?

[Janeway]

1. Workshop leader to me: I wish you were comfortable to join this particular group.

 

Me: Thank you, I'm comfortable, but it is just not my thing.

 

Workshop leader, next week: I wish you were comfortable...(Same group).

 

Me, trying not to glare.

 

I resent the idea that she assumes that if someone is not joining, they are uncomfortable.

 

2.  Workshop leader to me: How are you? I was worried about you last night. I got home and I was thinking about you. I was worried.

 

Me: Why? (eyes wide)

 

Workshop leader: You were so quiet in class. Is everything okay?

 

Me, trying not to glare: I'm usually quiet. (The problem is, I wasn't quiet, I was behaving as usual. So yes, I was a bit snarky. But I was taken aback with this "concern." It came out of nowhere!)

 

She keeps making assumptions about how I feel, and I find it intrusive and inappropriate. Patronizing. Am I not replying with enough clarity?

 

She is one of those people who is so "senstive" and "strives not to offend"...

 

She may try to come off as sensitive, but what she really is is obsessive and nosey. 

 

Turn it around on her. Look at her with concern and seriousness "now that you bring it up, I have been quite concerned about you. You seem to be reflecting a lot these days and I am concerned about what is going on with you? You really seem to want to talk, so what is happening with you? Have YOU been ok?" And make sure the topic stays on her, no matter how much she tries to turn it back on you. How she is behaving is about her, not you. So steer the conversation in that direction.

[zoobie]

Well, I'm actually and actual "observer." I'm supposed to be there, but I'm not a workshop participant. Hard to explain. Not exactly an assistant...hm...I'm not sure what I am! But she is supposed to leave me alone.

Remind her of your purpose and tell her that you're just doing your job.

[FriedClams]

If someone is being kind and well intentioned and trying to help me, I do my best to ignore their methods. She's trying. Let it go.

Edited June 2, 2017 by FriedClams

[Carol in Cal.]

You know, I think she is hamhandedly and passive aggressively trying to tell you to participate in the class discussion.

And I would respond to that intention rather than to her actual words.  "You know, I'm here as an observer, and as such am not supposed to effect the class in any way."

[lllll]

Try,

 

"It's probably a mistake for you to interpret people's {disinterest} as {discomfort}; I'm actually {not interested}."

 

"It's probably a mistake for you to interpret people's {quiet personality} as {being upset}; I actually felt {perfectly normal}."

 

You can follow it up with "concern" of your own -- "Do you often have this sort of trouble misreading people? Can I help in any way?"

 

Thanks, Bolt.  I love these.  I'm currently dealing with a woman in a church we began attending.  Next time she approaches me, I'm going to try to remember these and use them, or some version.  Last time she began with, "Have I done or said something to offend you in any way?"  (I've been trying to avoid her after a couple of incidents.) and then promptly launched into a rant laden with religious cliches and feigned 'concern'.  It's sickening, really.  Plus, she's a gossip.  But the pastor is really great and my husband actually likes him and many of the older men there, so we continue to attend .....

[SparklyUnicorn]

OMFG

 

That would drive me bonkers.

 

 

[Carol in Cal.]

Thanks, Bolt.  I love these.  I'm currently dealing with a woman in a church we began attending.  Next time she approaches me, I'm going to try to remember these and use them, or some version.  Last time she began with, "Have I done or said something to offend you in any way?"  (I've been trying to avoid her after a couple of incidents.) and then promptly launched into a rant laden with religious cliches and feigned 'concern'.  It's sickening, really.  Plus, she's a gossip.  But the pastor is really great and my husband actually likes him and many of the older men there, so we continue to attend .....

You know what, though, what you are talking about doing sounds really passive aggressive to me, in a church setting.  I mean, I get that she is gossipy and annoying.  But as Christians we do have a obligation of love, even of those who are gossipy and annoying, and of truthfulness.  

 

If someone came to me and asked that question, in church, I would feel obligated to give a truthful if muted answer.  "It bothered me that you repeated what Suzie told you in confidence."  "I feel like you're not listening to me when you talk for so long like that."  Said gently, these can be ways to surface difficult issues, and they can actually be helpful.  

[lllll]

You know what, though, what you are talking about doing sounds really passive aggressive to me, in a church setting.  I mean, I get that she is gossipy and annoying.  But as Christians we do have a obligation of love, even of those who are gossipy and annoying, and of truthfulness.  

 

If someone came to me and asked that question, in church, I would feel obligated to give a truthful if muted answer.  "It bothered me that you repeated what Suzie told you in confidence."  "I feel like you're not listening to me when you talk for so long like that."  Said gently, these can be ways to surface difficult issues, and they can actually be helpful.  

 

I didn't give many details or the whole story because I didn't want to derail OP's thread.  The gossip part came after a good bit of other stuff which I didn't want to put on the net.  At this point, I'm beginning to suspect NPD in this woman.  And there's just no way I'm jumping into that.  

[zoobie]

I didn't give many details or the whole story because I didn't want to derail OP's thread. The gossip part came after a good bit of other stuff which I didn't want to put on the net. At this point, I'm beginning to suspect NPD in this woman. And there's just no way I'm jumping into that.

Telling NPD/BPD that they hurt you would only make them do it more. Smart to avoid. I wouldn't go passive aggressive either. Just deflect and run!

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I didn't give many details or the whole story because I didn't want to derail OP's thread.  The gossip part came after a good bit of other stuff which I didn't want to put on the net.  At this point, I'm beginning to suspect NPD in this woman.  And there's just no way I'm jumping into that.  

 

I've been around this a lot in church settings. Just play dumb and keep all interactions very brief. Keep the upper hand. Don't subject yourself to her poison - plan deflecting phrases and exit strategies.

 

"No, of course, you didn't offend me! I'm so busy that perhaps I didn't notice something, I'm sorry." (subject change to earrings or gardens or visiting preacher, anything)...

 

If she starts in on some gossipy tirade, interrupt quickly. "Excuse me, Martha, I have to go. I hope you have a lovely week!" Walk away, no matter how she reacts.

 

She'll either start an all-out war with you or find a new target. Either way, you're out of limbo land.

[lllll]

Telling NPD/BPD that they hurt you would only make them do it more. Smart to avoid. I wouldn't go passive aggressive either. Just deflect and run!

Yeah, y'all are probably right. I'll probably just keep doing what I've been doing and avoid her as much as possible.

Edited June 3, 2017 by tentwelve

[Mimm]

How awkward. She's putting you in the position of having to defend yourself when you've done nothing wrong. Because she's so concerned about you. You need to repeatedly reassure her that everything is ok. I agree with previous posters that this coming from a place of insecurity.

[itsheresomewhere]

After politely declining the first few times, my bluntness would have come out. I would have looked her and said" what part of its not my thing did you not understand." This would be said with the look.

[wintermom]

Well, I'm actually and actual "observer." I'm supposed to be there, but I'm not a workshop participant. Hard to explain. Not exactly an assistant...hm...I'm not sure what I am! But she is supposed to leave me alone.

 

It sounds like you have a role in the class is quite specific, but the leader isn't aware of it (whether intentionally or unintentionally). Who placed you in this role? I would speak with them. If you are supposed to observe for evaluation purposes, then you are standing out too much for the leader. The leader seems to be expecting people to participate, and to her you are another participant. Whoever placed you in this non-participatory role should simply tell the leader that you are not a participant. The leader needs to know this. It's not fair to her to be put in this position. 

[Sarah CB]

 

You can follow it up with "concern" of your own -- "Do you often have this sort of trouble misreading people? Can I help in any way?"

 

I love that.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I wish I had the courage to say some of these things.  They are great, but I know they aren't all that easy to say. 

 

I don't know the exact situation, but do you have to wait in the building?  I'd be tempted to sit outside until pick up time.  Not sure if that is possible though.

 

 

[gaillardia]

Where's Audrey? Pea-picking hearts and all. 

I rarely have the gumption to think on my feet and always think later of the best replies.

It sounds like this person is the one who is worried, as she stated, and uncomfortable and is trying to make you uncomfortable by putting it off on you. It sounds passive aggressive to me as well.

That aside, "I appreciate your concern. Thank you." And depart. Don't give her the chance to be alone with you. Put off entering the room until the very beginning and and leave abruptly at the end. 

 

 

 

[Guest]

1. Workshop leader to me: I wish you were comfortable to join this particular group.

 

Me: Thank you, I'm comfortable, but it is just not my thing.

 

Workshop leader, next week: I wish you were comfortable...(Same group).

 

Me, trying not to glare.

 

I resent the idea that she assumes that if someone is not joining, they are uncomfortable.

 

2. Workshop leader to me: How are you? I was worried about you last night. I got home and I was thinking about you. I was worried.

 

Me: Why? (eyes wide)

 

Workshop leader: You were so quiet in class. Is everything okay?

 

Me, trying not to glare: I'm usually quiet. (The problem is, I wasn't quiet, I was behaving as usual. So yes, I was a bit snarky. But I was taken aback with this "concern." It came out of nowhere!)

 

She keeps making assumptions about how I feel, and I find it intrusive and inappropriate. Patronizing. Am I not replying with enough clarity?

 

She is one of those people who is so "senstive" and "strives not to offend"...

Never tell her anything. That's my advice. I do not mesh well with "probers." Just let me sit here and be aloof, 'kay?

[momacacia]

To workshop leader: "I really appreciate your concern, but you seem to be having a lot of anxiety lately. How are you doing? Are you okay?"

 

Remember, the person who asks the questions controls the conversation.

[Word Nerd]

Well, I'm actually and actual "observer." I'm supposed to be there, but I'm not a workshop participant. Hard to explain. Not exactly an assistant...hm...I'm not sure what I am! But she is supposed to leave me alone.

So she knows you have this role? I don't get what the situation is so may be off base, but maybe reminding her that your purpose in attending this whatever-it-is is____, it would alleviate her concern that you aren't enjoying or getting anything out of it.