athomeontheprairie Posted May 9, 2017 Share Posted May 9, 2017 Getting my dd11 to fully answer a question is so painful. I just want to scream. An example: The two of us went to an event a couple hours away.It was great. This is NOT something we've ever done before, or likely will again. I don't do short trips this far away. Ever. At a minimum a trip of this distance is 3 days. Never just one day. It's too hard on me to drive that much. However, I made an exception and we went as volunteers for an event. Grandma asks her about it in a friendly conversational tone. "What were you doing in x city yesterday?" "I handed out headphones" Grandma knows NOTHING about why we there. So while dd's answer is true, we DID hand out headphones, it doesn't even remotely answer the question. This is one example of so so many. How do I get her to give full and complete answers to a question? I love follow up questions, I love the give and take of conversation. I hate trying to PULL the d*mn answers out all.the.time. Or at least, how do I get her to answer a question with enough information to satisfy the basics. To be clear, she is NT. While she is generally calm (read: not outgoing) These are not personal questions. They are always asked in friendly tones. They aren't demanding information. If you really don't want to talk about something it gets dropped. It isn't just me, either. She does this with everyone. Family, acquaintances.. Maybe this is just a vent. Maybe many 11/12 yo's go through this. Gah. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plink Posted May 9, 2017 Share Posted May 9, 2017 Open ended follow-up questions are the only solution I know of. Sorry! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MaeFlowers Posted May 9, 2017 Share Posted May 9, 2017 I have zero answers for you but I get it. Both dh and ds do this and it makes simple conversation so painful. I've learned to ask more specific questions but, even then, it doesn't always help. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jewellsmommy Posted May 9, 2017 Share Posted May 9, 2017 It might get a little better as she get's older. Dd is NT but is 2e (dysgraphic), and she can really talk when she wants to - in great detail. If dd was retelling a story, she would hit every part of it. If she wanted to come tell me something, it could be like like an avalanche of words coming at me...BUT, if I asked her something, open-ended, she would be very brief and even confusing or cryptic sounding. As I would try to get more info from her, she would just go,"it's complicated" and exit the conversation. Sometimes, she would come back to me later and explain or answer better. It was like she needed time to process and word it. IDK. This might not relate. But I can agree it can be so frustrating. At 14, dd is a little better 'on the fly' at conversing. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted May 9, 2017 Share Posted May 9, 2017 :grouphug: Answering in detail just isn't her thing. I have a brother like that. It just isn't his thing. When he was in school as a kid he got the opportunity to tour Europe with an academic group, including Russia during the cold war. Mom and Dad were waiting with eager anticipation for when he was out of Russia and could contact them again. Conversation: "So good to hear your voice! We've missed you. We are really eager to hear about your trip. How was Russia?" "Interesting." :glare: DH is similar. If his siblings want details about something they call me. DH will text a one word answer that actually does't give them any of the information they are seeking. Seriously, this is an uphill battle that I'm not sure you are going to win. Long back and forth conversation with a lot of details just doesn't seem to be on her list of priorities. It also probably does not come naturally to her. And it probably doesn't even make sense to her. Why rattle on with a ton of detail? She's boiling things down to whatever stuck in her head as relevant. Maybe someone has a really good activity or something that might help her to be cognizant of filling in more details... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gstharr Posted May 9, 2017 Share Posted May 9, 2017 I think it is age related. Getting an answer out of the soon to be 12 y.o is like pulling hens teeth. But, it is getting better now that he has joined debate team. Now, I tell him to open with a topic sentence that makes sense. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PinkTulip Posted May 9, 2017 Share Posted May 9, 2017 I tell my kids they have to answer me in paragraphs, not in a sentence or a single word. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forget-Me-Not Posted May 10, 2017 Share Posted May 10, 2017 My MIL calls DH the King of the Monosyllabic Answer :D He's gotten better with age as we have called him on it (what does "fine" mean? How was it "interesting"?). I gave birth to his polar opposite. She'll give you so much detail you'll wonder if she's ever going to get to the point. DH always says of her, "Why use a sentence when a paragraph will do?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie Smith Posted May 10, 2017 Share Posted May 10, 2017 (edited) I found for us, talking about the point of conversations, and how they work have helped Eldest put more effort into conversations at the dinner table with extended relatives. For this we watched a great courses video series about conversations. The first 3 or 4 of the 6 were very useful and good for us. Edited May 10, 2017 by Julie Smith 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cjzimmer1 Posted May 10, 2017 Share Posted May 10, 2017 Seriously, this is an uphill battle that I'm not sure you are going to win. Long back and forth conversation with a lot of details just doesn't seem to be on her list of priorities. It also probably does not come naturally to her. And it probably doesn't even make sense to her. Why rattle on with a ton of detail? She's boiling things down to whatever stuck in her head as relevant. I have to agree with this. Not everyone needs or even wants a lot of details. My mother is a detail giver and it drives me crazy. I wish she would just give me 1 sentence answers instead I get an entire oration. I also have a daughter who wants to go on and on about every detail. Just makes my head spin. I like those short sweet and to the point answers. I realize this doesn't help you in any way get the details you are hoping for but hopefully it will help you see that not everyone cares to even have the details you are seeking and thus aren't likely to share them either. She's not trying to aggravate you, she just have different priorities about what's important. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted May 10, 2017 Share Posted May 10, 2017 A friend of mine resorted to cookies one day to get her teen son to tell her about his day? "How was your day?" Complete answer = cookie "Tell me more." Answer = cookie Repeat Repeat Repeat She kept the cookie until a decent amount of information was given, so single sentence answers didn't cut it. The whole thing was hysterical. The kid appreciated the humor and definitely got the point. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted May 10, 2017 Share Posted May 10, 2017 In a similar vein, yesterday I got distracted when watching the Talk on CBS now. When you're not there to set it up for a different show when the episode ends, it rolls to one earlier in the season that you didn't watch. When I came back in the room there was a man talking about this. I don't know who the guest was, but some man was saying his mother had the kind of household where everyone could invite their friends over for dinner all the time. The food was on the table, but the dessert was on a Lazy Susan in the middle. You weren't allowed to touch the dessert unless you told a story about your day. A whole story (in an age appropriate way) or you couldn't touch dessert, and that included child guests. He said it was one thing when a seven year old told a simple story, but it's like pulling teeth when testosterone sets in and you're a teen and don't want to share anything. He thought it was brilliant of his mother - it forced them to open up and be closer when they'd been in school all day. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted May 10, 2017 Share Posted May 10, 2017 I don't think that's unusual for that age. I'd keep asking her questions to get her to keep talking. My 22-year-old still has trouble with this, and I STILL keep digging in with questions, and try and model longer answers myself. My other kids began learning this earlier though. What really helped with it was challenging them a little. We used to tell them they had to ask 3 questions of three different adults at an event before they could take off early to go home. :) That got them to push their conversations more, even when it was a little uncomfortable. Apart from that, getting a job at a coffee shop around age 15 really helped! I do think modeling is still the best method though. Just give her time. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted May 10, 2017 Share Posted May 10, 2017 Some of my sons seem to have a vocabulary that mostly consists of yeah, no, don't know. Some of them have been like this for 10 years now........ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted May 10, 2017 Share Posted May 10, 2017 My DS11 has always been like this. He is not a sharer. Two of his sisters more than make up for it... I think my youngest DD will be similar to him. The type and quantity of information is a tell for DH and my oldest DD. Uh, yeah, try again without being full of BS, please... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heartlikealion Posted May 11, 2017 Share Posted May 11, 2017 I just want to commiserate! Talking to ds can be like this. me: "What did you get on your vocabulary test?" ds: "I got this in math, this in spelling, this on another spelling test..." "Did you get your vocabulary test back?" "I got this in science. I got the measurements right." Finally says he didn't get the thing back. He will sometimes talk about something with little to no context. Then I get exasperated trying to figure out how to follow his storytelling or getting him to start from the beginning. He's all over the place. He doesn't know what he's talking about sometimes which makes it even more confusing for me. I have to get his teacher or another parent to clarify information sometimes. He told me two times that this "fun in the sun" day was going to be held on a Saturday. On a Friday afternoon after picking him up he tried to convince me to drop him off at the school the next morning. I laughed and said that's not happening. The thing is actually taking place on a school day (like a field day I guess). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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