My 7 year old daughter whines/complains ALL DAY LONG

[beth83]

My seven year old is challenging me, and I have no idea what to do, or how to help her.  I can't handle the whining, complaining, and bad attitude any more.  I talk reasonable, I give natural consequences, we talk about whining and complaining, but nothing helps.  We don't give in to whining, but the consequences don't seem to have any affect on future actions.  She just is not happy most of the time.  Although she is one of 5, I really feel like we spend dedicated time with her during the day.  

 

She has always been a crier, though.  She is just an emotional girl.  We are a gf family, and I recently took dyes out of her diet. It has helped to some extent.

 

Someone else answers a question in school... she whines. 

 

School is hard... she whines. (When I don't know if it really is.  Once she focuses, she blows through it.  It doesn't seem too easy, either.)

 

But she doesn't want to watch *that* show... she whines. (Today it was a dolphin documentary I offered to put on.  We watch very little tv. They actually watched something yesterday, but I offered an education documentary and explained that since it was a school week, she could watch that show or do something else.  Whining, whining, whining.)

 

People don't want to play what she wants... whining and complaining. (And she usually won't play unless it is on her terms.  I mean, who wants a friend like that?  She ends up a loner so much.)

 

She is hot... whining.

 

She can't figure out what to eat for a snack.  I make suggestions... whine, whine, whine.

 

I can't stand that if things aren't her way, she isn't happy.  In a family of 5, that just doesn't fly.  

 

Any suggestions?

[barnwife]

Put her in a room with our whiner and let them whine together?

(I feel the need to state that I am kidding before someone gets their panties in a twist.) 

Really, I am responding to commiserate with you. I am hoping someone can give you (and me) some helpful ideas.

[gardenmom5]

I can't hear you.

Give an example of a positive way to say something.

 

Until she's positive, you don't answer her question.

[AK_Mom4]

My guess is that whining is her sure-fire way of getting to voice her displeasure about things. She knows she would be in Big Trouble if she threw a tantrum or hit people, but whining is what she can get away with to make sure you and the others all know that The Princess Is Not Pleased.

 

I dunno how you stop the whining except to make it worth her while to stop. Kind of like getting them to stop biting their fingernails, ya know? Offer a nice bribe to go an hour, two hours, a day without whining?

 

When the little skiers I coach start whining, I make the group ski faster. Very few kids can whine and ski fast at the same time. However, I'm not sure you have the option of substituting her being out of breathe for whining......

Edited May 1, 2017 by AK_Mom4

[J-rap]

Well, my two constant whiners grew up to be wonderfully creative extroverts.  So, there's that!

 

[BarbecueMom]

Put her in a room with our whiner and let them whine together?

 

(I feel the need to state that I am kidding before someone gets their panties in a twist.)

 

Really, I am responding to commiserate with you. I am hoping someone can give you (and me) some helpful ideas.

I was going to say that I'll donate a 7yo whiner too!

 

He's really turned a corner with the whining, now that the 3yo can outwhine him. He hears how ridiculous it sounds, although when he gets his heart set on something, whoooooo boy.

 

The negotiating and nitpicking has really picked up in the whining's place. He wants to be a geologist-trash collector-engineer-Power Ranger when he grows up, but I'm now shoving extra in his college fund for law school.

[ktgrok]

I think it's the age, my 7 year old girl is doing the same thing. Ugh. I think she may also need more sleep than she's getting, although not sure how to fix that. She fights falling asleep and thinks it is cool to stay up late. The other day I told her "there is now reward for staying up until 9pm you know!" and she replied, "Mom, staying up until 9pm is it's own reward!" 

 

Sigh. I'm stuck in a family of night owls, other than DS4.

[amy g.]

My kid like that ended up having low blood sugar.

 

If she doesn't eat protein every few hours she is a sobbing inconsolable mess.

 

If she is careful not to let her blood sugar tank, she is happy rational and agreeable.

[Lori D.]

Well, I like SWB's suggestion: nap, sandwich, shower. ;)

 

Whining starts, immediately respond with whichever best fits the situation:

"You're whining. You must be tired. It's time for you to go lay down on your bed and rest until you feel better and the whining stops."

"You're whining. Here's a healthy protein snack. Eat this and then if you still need help with something, you can tell me in words, not whining."

"You're whining. It's time to take an attitude-adjustment shower (or bath). We can talk when you're relaxed after your shower."

 

I would also work with DD -- when she's NOT in the midst of whining -- on modeling and practicing (repeat, repeat, repeat!) how to express herself without whining:

 

"DD, I don't understand whining. If you want to tell me something, you need to say it NOT in whining, but in *words*. And let me know *specifically* what you need from me. Here are some examples: "I'm hungry, but I don't know what I want to eat. Could you pick something for me?"  "I feel hot, and that makes me feel unhappy. What can I do about that?"  "I feel so frustrated that nobody wants to play what I want to play! Can you listen to me for just a minute so I can vent?"

 

Once you've modeled and practiced, then when the whining starts, first "reflect listen" to acknowledge that something is going on that she doesn't know how to handle, but nip the whining in the bud:

"It sounds like you are feeling unhappy about something. But, I don't understand whining. Remember how we practiced telling people what you are thinking / feeling, or what you need / want, without whining? Let's try that again, without whining."

 

(And perhaps provide a prompt to help get her started, based on where the whine looked like it was going to go... "So, did you need something?" "Did you want to tell me how you were feeling?" "Were you looking for someone to just listen to you?"  "Were you wanting something to change in some way?")

 

 

GOOD LUCK! This whining phase will pass... if it doesn't kill you first (or you kill DD first, lol). ;) Warmest regards, Lori D.

Edited May 1, 2017 by Lori D.

[Lori D.]

People don't want to play what she wants... whining and complaining. (And she usually won't play unless it is on her terms.  I mean, who wants a friend like that?  She ends up a loner so much.)

 

lol -- I know this isn't funny to live through, but this SOOO reminds me of the "fable" of "Straw and Matches" in the book Squids Will Be Squids. Might be a good one to read together... multiple times. ;) Listen to it at 6:20 into this

.

[Lori D.]

ug. double post. 

 

Edited May 1, 2017 by Lori D.

[blondeviolin]

I tell my kids, "I don't understand whine." If they want help, they must rephrase whatever they whined to me. Otherwise, I don't dignify the whining with a response.

[mamaraby]

My seven year old is challenging me, and I have no idea what to do, or how to help her. I can't handle the whining, complaining, and bad attitude any more. I talk reasonable, I give natural consequences, we talk about whining and complaining, but nothing helps. We don't give in to whining, but the consequences don't seem to have any affect on future actions. She just is not happy most of the time. Although she is one of 5, I really feel like we spend dedicated time with her during the day.

:snip:

I can't stand that if things aren't her way, she isn't happy. In a family of 5, that just doesn't fly.

 

Any suggestions?

Sometimes kids whine because they don't feel heard. And you're a safe space so being able to whine about something may be her was to cope with it. Try to reframe this as less that she is challenging (though she may get on your last nerve) and misbeahving in some way that needs a consequence.

 

Look at it instead as an immature way of getting your point across. Something isn't quite right for her and although she has many words in her vocabulary, putting those words together to communicate what you want (and taking the risk of putting those words out there and face a "no" or a negative response) is a skill she has not learned yet and will need help developing. She is going to need attention to navigate how to say what she wants/needs/hopes for/is disappointed in. She is going to need examples of how to do that.

 

Sometimes by reframing it as a "skill needed" that is normal for a kid to need help with makes it easier for me to find extra patience and creativity to deal with.

 

You don't have to engage. Ignore a kid that's whining and instead respond, "Did you hear that? I her something off in the distance, but I can't understand it because my ears must not be working. Is someone whining?" Or "You'll have to repeat that, my ears are broken to whining today. Can you say that again so that my ears can hear it?"

 

Or do something over the top silly. Or unpredictable. Whine back. Whine when things aren't going your way or the kid isn't listening. See if the kids catch you. If they don't correct yourself. "Oh my, was I ever whiney just then. Best try that one again."

 

Answer disappointments when you say no with some dry humor, "I'm sorry you feel that way. It's part of my new parenting philosophy where I try to do two evil things before dinner. That's my first for the day. Thanks!"

 

Play REM's "It's the End of the World As We Know It" once and in all future instances sing it. Off key. Badly.

 

For really bad whiney days, send the kiddo off for a reset in their room and welcome them back when they're ready to try it again. Sing "Happy Trails" to send them off.

 

I have three kids and have done all of the above at one time or another. Usually it shocks the whining right out of them. Then they're too busy rolling their eyes at me because I am so lame. I mean, who has time to whine when mom has clearly lost it?

 

Sometimes, whining in kids means I take a break or have a snack or switch things up so I have what I need to help them. Sometimes whining in kids means I need an attitude adjustment because I've been too busy or too distracted or too short. Sometimes I have to change the script about how I see a kid. I have to stop thinking that x kid is "always so...." so that I see them for who they are - kids who need help navigating the world, and not how I expect them to be.

 

If it's social skills then work on social skills separately from whining. If it's dealing with disappointments, ditto. You kind of several things going on all at once so banishing whining is probably going to several different approaches to help the kiddo navigate the world better.

 

And don't forget the hugs, lots of hugs and giggles, and silly stuff because being a kid is tough. And being a parent is tough. And it mostly goes by so fast.

[EKS]

We had trouble with this when my son was about that age.  What worked here was to take *all* screens away for a month.  I told my son that screens were a privilege, and *any* further outbursts would result in the month restarting.

 

Immediate change that lasted for a few years.  Seriously.

[Jaybee]

Lots of good suggestions here already. Two added things: I think sometimes kids don't hear how their voices sound; so first, I would make sure she knows what sounds like whining. That may sound silly to us, but I remember my mom scolding me for sulking a lot, when I was thinking of things totally unrelated to what she thought--but my face was still in a serious mode. So your dd may not realize when her voice switches over into "whine" mode. Second, when one of my ds was going through a complaining stage, especially about everything related to school, I put a little jar on the table and labelled it "Complaint Jar." I told him that every time he made a complaint, he had to put a quarter in the jar. If I had to listen to it, then I deserved to get some benefit from it, and I would save those quarters up and take myself out to a nice coffee shop by myself--and I'd sit there and enjoy my coffee as a reward for listening to all the complaining. I only got two quarters before the complaining stopped. I realize that might not work for non NT kids, but it worked great in our case.

 

[Bluegoat]

I don't know if you will want to emulate this, but -

 

My sister was a whiner.  When she was in that stage, we went and visited my dad and his family for a month in the summer.  They had quite a different parenting style, and every time she whined one or more adults would look at her and say "want some cheeeeese with your whiiine?"  She stopped within two days.

[bibiche]

DS's whining and complaining earned him a copy of What To Do When You Grumble Too Much. It was actually very helpful.

 

I prefer to take a sensitive rather than a snarky approach to curb whining because I well remember how hurtful it was when my mother was sarcastic about what was, admittedly, probably really annoying behavior on my part. So I would continue to try engaging in constructive conversation before I went the less kind route.

Edited May 2, 2017 by bibiche