Food allergies and pot luck dinners

[amy g.]

In my old life, I managed to avoid pot luck dinners, but in my new town there is one every month in my neighborhood, every week at church and every once in awhile at swim team.

 

I have 2 kids with food allergies to enough things that they pretty much only eat food that I make.

 

I don't really know how to handle this. Sometimes I just pack them a separate meal. Sometimes I feed them before hand and take one safe food to share.

 

We are having lunch at church today. Dh thought the kids would really enjoy sharing a whole meal with our church family. So he cooked an organic ham and also a brisket. I am bringing a big fruit salad and whipped cream as well as a vegetable salad, GF dinner rolls and mashed potatoes.

 

I don't want to bring the smallish GF apple pie that Dh made from scratch. My 10 year old thinks I am the very worst Easter Scrooge for not wanting to share it. I did get her the stuff to make and bring GF cupcakes, but it got late and she was tired and my kids don't really like sweets anyway.

 

How tacky would it be to have Dh make the little girls a plate with our food before they grace and set the dishes out? Alternatively, I guess next time, I could bring dishes to share, but pack theirs speparately.

 

I can't decide what is better, to make enough of one thing for the entire church, or to bring a generous amount of several different things so the kids dont have only one thing to eat.

 

Is anyone in the same situation?

[cintinative]

My oldest has Celiac so we are in a similar situation.  He can't have gluten free food if it has been cross-contaminated which is pretty much guaranteed as soon as I put it down on a "pot luck" table. There are tons of kids who fix their own plates--you just can't be sure when a spoon has been reused, etc. I do label everything well, including spoons, etc.  So yes, we usually do pull out his portion before everyone else takes some. It might appear rude but I don't really care--the only other option is him not participating.  Our church sometimes has a "gluten-free" table--which is helpful. 

 

If there is a set menu or I am not sure if there will be something my son can eat I will bring him a bag lunch type of thing to eat in addition to whatever item I am bringing.  

 

There are actual several people with Celiac at our church so we try to communicate in advance of pot lucks and arrange what we are bringing and they all try to take portions before it goes to the general circulation.  None of us want to be sick.  =)

 

When I bring baked goods I tend to bring brownies, cookies, cupcakes, etc.  GF pies are such a chore I would not want to share either.  =)  

 

ETA: finish sentence. oops.

 

I have several friends who have allergies and deal with it similarly.

Edited April 16, 2017 by cintinative

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

It's not tacky to either pre-make your kids plates, bring food just for them... or whatever arrangement you need to keep their food safe.  I would make it well known that they have allergies if you think some people are paying so much attention to what other people's children are eating that they might somehow be offended.

 

I would instruct your kids to not start eating until a dozen or so people have gone through the potluck line and have started eating... that will help your kids not stand out or somehow appear to have "cheated" by getting their food early. 

[lexi]

I always prevalent my kids' played in a situation like that. I can't worry about the cross contamination issues. So I just make them plates and set them aside before everyone else serves themselves. And I sometimes bring separate food for them that we don't share - because our specialty food is expensive! I don't really care if that's polite or not. I so hate pot lucks and I try to avoid them whenever possible. Food allergies are no fun!

[FaithManor]

I think you should do what is best for your family, period. That said, since I developed a wheat allergy it is complicated to eat at such events, and I feel like I am always under scrutiny and especially amongst the old ladies who get offended when I won't sample their dishes.

 

So I no longer attend such functions. Ever. If making a plate up ahead is what will make things work for your kids - highly recommend because once people tear into the food they will mix and match service utensils that have been used to dip up non safe food - then do it. Other people need to not be judgmental or nosy.

[Rebel Yell]

I would make plates for the people with allergies, and also something to share, that may or may not be OK for the allergic people to eat.

 

I would never bring an expensive-ingredient safe-food item to share. Even if I could afford to feed a Mega-church, most of the time the alternate-ingredient foods taste "weird" to people expecting regular food and don't get eaten/finished. If I saw a large piece of expensive, labor-intensive GF pie in the trash with only one bite taken out, I would be stuffing the person who tossed it in the trash can with their plate. Also, others with the same allergy might not feel comfortable trusting that the dish is safe enough for them, especially at a group meal where anything can happen to the dish or serving utensils.

[idnib]

No tacky at all.  :grouphug:

[HomeAgain]

We are not in this position, so take what I say with a fine measure of salt.

 

For a lot of people, the most important thing is to *feel* as though you are breaking bread, not that you actually are.  We've had many friends with food restrictions (specific diets, chronic illness, food allergies..), and they found it easier to bring a meal with them and partake in the fellowship.  Their children got to eat with their friends, which was important to them - to not feel very different.  Over time, as people became more aware of what was/wasn't safe, some would make dishes or bring food that they knew would be okay.  I'm not very handy in the kitchen but I try to bring things that a parent can feel good about their child snagging from the line up - clementines, prepackaged labeled dessert, dye free-vegan-HFCS-free lollies on candy holidays.  

 

Many of us really do want to be able to have those with food restrictions not worry.  It's not tacky to bring your own food at all.  If anything, it gives us a chance to see in action what is/isn't okay and ask specific questions for the next time.

[wintermom]

I'd minimize the potlucks, and just do 1 every few months. Or eat before you go and just take along some food for your dc to munch on while there. 

 

My allergies are in a constant state of flux, and I never know what I'll react to next. I bring along my allergy medication all the time, but it's a real pain trying to navigate my way through meals others have prepared and never knowing when the next bomb will hit me.  With children and severe allergies, I'd just try to minimize the occassions they have to deal with potluck dinners.

[almondbutterandjelly]

We bring our dd's food in a lunch bag.  She just gets it out and starts eating her stuff.  No one minds.

[kitten18]

I would plate their food first, I don't think that's rude at all.

 

And I wouldn't bring the GF pie.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Not tacky.  You do what you gotta do.  Some might not understand, but that's their problem.  My guess is most won't even notice.  I wouldn't notice such a thing.

 

 

[KungFuPanda]

I'd make plates for the kids and let DH make a large potluck dish to share that doesn't use the expensive allergy-free ingredients, but only if it wouldn't contaminate my kitchen.

[HollyDay]

Ugh......We have had quite a few potluck problems.  I remember one in particular that by the time we got to the line, all the "safe" food was gone.  I was so upset later to see piles of it left on plates that kids had gotten then didn't eat.  Our group always said for parents to supervise their kids going through the line, but they never did.  We frequently ran out of food too because people going through the line first were getting heaping plates .

 

IF you have a fairly controlled and cooperating group, then try a safe table.  One of our groups had several celiacs and gluten free people so we could set up a separate table.  Everyone knew to leave that table alone unless you had a medical need to eat from it.  We also inforced a no peanut/peanut butter rule. 

 

You can't control everything.  I'm on a graduation food committee and it has been tough.  Some want dairy free.  Others egg free.  Nut free.  Vegetarian.  Diabetic friendly.  Etc. Etc. Etc.  It just doesn't work to try to please everyone. 

 

So, with that in mind, I'd bring my own.  I've had to do this for my oldest dd.  She has a severe reaction to onions.  She had a problem at college just last week because someone next to her at the table opened a salad container and the top was covered in onions.  Just the vapors coming off the container caused her to have problems.  Dd politely got up and moved.  Explained that it was an allergy thing and moved.  Onions are in so many potluck dishes that she has to be careful.  Another family member can't do dairy.  When going to ice cream socials, we always bring dairy free ice cream (and spoons if necessary for dipping it out). 

 

Some "get it"  and some don't.  I've actually had people offended when we turn down food due to allergies.  We are polite.  We explain kindly.  But, we don't want to risk eating food we know will cause a problem.  So, we have had to pack our own.  We can enjoy eating with others and still be fed

 

[Carol in Cal.]

I dealt with this for several years for myself.  I think it would be harder to manage for a child though.

 

We had potlucks frequently at our church and at various homeschooling gatherings, and I was in a moms' group that went out to a restaurant every month as it's only consistent activity.  And I couldn't have any fat or I'd be in bed all the next day.  

 

It was almost impossible to find things to eat at restaurants, but I wanted community enough to either eat beforehand and just hang out.   I consistently brought main dishes to potlucks so that there was at least one thing I could eat there, and if it was the kind of potluck where someone made a main dish and we were supposed to bring sides (like, say, a soup supper or Easter breakfast or Big Family Christmas), I would nosh on side dishes but pretty much not get full.  

 

I was OK with that because I didn't want to distort everyone else's experience, but over time I realized that there was a large minority of others doing the same thing, very quietly, and so I started to bring things that were 'extra' or 'a little different' that I could eat and others could, too.  Like, the women's group at my church had a monthly meeting that featured sticky gooey desserts, and I ALSO brought veggies and nonfat dip--all the diabetics in the group were thrilled, as were the low fat folks, the low carb folks, and people who came straight from work and didn't want to eat dessert on an empty stomach.  A lot of this depended on attitude, I think.  No sense being all self-righteous or pathetic about it; just 'here's something I brought to share.'

 

I think that I would have viewed this differently if it was a child of mine that had to make this sacrifice, but FWIW, for me it was worth it.

[Tess in the Burbs]

We always bring our own food for the allergy kids.

[Guest]

Echoing Carol above and adding:

 

Our parish eats together every week, teams of people taking turns cooking and cleaning up. we have run into the fact that many people have food issues. We can't cover them all, but we decided to get a rice cooker and every team makes s pot of rice for the table. We also put together a list of things that can go in a green salad that makes salad accessible to all. Cheese, nuts, seeds and dressings served on the side. There's one woman in our parish who has so many restrictions that she herself finds it hard to prepare food for her, so we sort of had to leave her to her own devices.

 

The rice and salad accommodated gluten, dairy, egg, and soy allergies and also accommodated the vegans, so no one has to go away empty.

 

People were enthusiastic about finding a way to make this happen, and now, many cooks provide ingredients lists beside their offering. It's not required, just spontaneous. Some also write their name by their dish so you know who to ask.

 

It's been one of the ways we have extended love to our brothers and sisters as well as to some pretty astonished visitors.

[Guest]

Ugh......We have had quite a few potluck problems. I remember one in particular that by the time we got to the line, all the "safe" food was gone. I was so upset later to see piles of it left on plates that kids had gotten then didn't eat. Our group always said for parents to supervise their kids going through the line, but they never did. We frequently ran out of food too because people going through the line first were getting heaping plates .

 

IF you have a fairly controlled and cooperating group, then try a safe table. One of our groups had several celiacs and gluten free people so we could set up a separate table. Everyone knew to leave that table alone unless you had a medical need to eat from it. We also inforced a no peanut/peanut butter rule.

 

You can't control everything. I'm on a graduation food committee and it has been tough. Some want dairy free. Others egg free. Nut free. Vegetarian. Diabetic friendly. Etc. Etc. Etc. It just doesn't work to try to please everyone.

 

So, with that in mind, I'd bring my own. I've had to do this for my oldest dd. She has a severe reaction to onions. She had a problem at college just last week because someone next to her at the table opened a salad container and the top was covered in onions. Just the vapors coming off the container caused her to have problems. Dd politely got up and moved. Explained that it was an allergy thing and moved. Onions are in so many potluck dishes that she has to be careful. Another family member can't do dairy. When going to ice cream socials, we always bring dairy free ice cream (and spoons if necessary for dipping it out).

 

Some "get it" and some don't. I've actually had people offended when we turn down food due to allergies. We are polite. We explain kindly. But, we don't want to risk eating food we know will cause a problem. So, we have had to pack our own. We can enjoy eating with others and still be fed

One of our parishioners has the issue with oninions and garlic. He's one who has a tough struggle.

 

I have a similar issue with peanuts, but they aren't in every salad dressing, soup, stew, marinade and casserole like onions are. That's a toughie.

[Rebecca]

I read some of the comments but not all.

 

Goodness.

 

I can't imagine how stressed out I would feel dealing with that many potlucks regularly,

 

I absolutely would provide food for my own family without a care at all. If family members were going to eat potluck food, I would also bring a dish for the potluck that my allergic kid(s) would not eat from at all. 

 

If I grew a close relationship with someone who shared our extremely severe allergy, perhaps I would figure out a way to share/bring food but that has never happened. However, we have never been in a situation with so many potlucks.

 

We could never afford to make large quantities (to share at a potluck) of allergy safe food. We could bring a dish. 

 

In this situation I would do what budget and safety indicate. For us, safety trumps all and I have one child who could never ever eat at such an event. 

 

-Rebecca

Edited April 17, 2017 by Rebecca

[Rebecca]

PS

 

We do all kinds of things like you mentioned:

making a plate before grace

bringing in our own food

serving food from our own bags

 

I always! pack food separately. 

 

-Rebecca

[FriedClams]

We have no food allergies, few.

 

I would trust NO ONE but yourselves of the allergies are going to impede your kid's day of triggered. No one.

 

We had a lot of GF people at our old church, and I didn't know one that was 100% diligent. One time I went to a event and the GF crackers were on the same plate as the Ritz. I just shook my head. Another time I warned everyone that the cheesecake had flour in the crust and the cake part - and everyone "had a taste". Whatever. Really. It's their choice, but if it's at all reflective of the attitude of people "in the know", I wouldn't trust my kid's health to anyone but me.

Edited April 17, 2017 by FriedClams

[Carol in Cal.]

See, around here it's mostly not allergies that people are tuned into, but rather vegetarian or vegan.

In one of my homeschooling communities it was customary to put one clothes pin on vegetarian dishes, and two on vegan ones.

Another required a copy of the recipe or at least an ingredient list on each potluck item. 

[caedmyn]

We do not have allergies, only intolerances.  That said, for our monthly potluck at church, I bring one large main dish that everyone in my family can eat, and usually a 2nd thing (not dessert) that we can also eat.  Sometimes what I bring is the only thing DS3 & I eat (the others aren't quite as restricted) because everything else has wheat or dairy in it.  There are a few times when I've brought something that I didn't want to make enough of for everyone due to cost, or didn't think "normal" people would care to eat, so I just put it on our table and at this point I no longer care what people think.  (And I mostly don't care if people think we're rude/greedy because we're always very near the front of the line...if there's only one thing we can eat, I want to make sure we actually get to eat a reasonable amount of it!).

 

If someone had actual allergies I would bring their food in separate dishes.  There are many kids at our potluck and I wouldn't take any chances with possible cross-contamination from someone accidentally dropping food in the dish or mixing up spoons or something.