Help with "pass the bean dip" phrases

[school17777]

Our family is going through a stressful time and not many people know. I, apparently, am losing weight due to this. I say apparently because I don't see the loss, I just know the numbers on the scale have come down. But, people mention it to me all the time when I see them.

 

Also, the people that do know what is going on, have been told in confidence, which they all acknowledged, but they come up to us when we are around other people and ask how we are doing, etc...

 

Or, sometimes in regular conversation, it comes up without the other person knowing and I need help with phrases to stop that part of the conversation/switch to another topic. Sometimes, I think people get it and move on, but there are some people who don't want to and keep "picking" until I have to be blunt. That is so awkward.

 

My sister and i were just talking about this on the phone. She said one of her friends admired one of our relatives for being able to politely shut-down a conversation she didn't want to have. I said that yes, this relative seem gifted in that ability. She would be a great resource for me right now, but unfortunately, she passed away a few years ago. My sister said she didn't think it was necessarily that she was gifted with this ability, but that at some point she was taught. So, my sister was saying that I need to learn this.

 

So, please help!

 

In the past two days, I saw neighbors who gushed over my weight loss. They want to know what I am doing. I am stressed, that's all, but I don't want to share that. So, my sister said to say, "Thank you. I hadn't noticed." She said that should shut down them asking how I lost the weight and I am being honest too, since I haven't noticed (just the lower number on the scale).

 

What do I say when someone who knows what is going on, comes up to me in front of someone else and asks me how I am doing, or what is the update, or etc? This puts me in such an awkward position because now the person that I was originally speaking with now knows that something is going on.

 

Please be kind as I am obviously already stressed and I can't take much more! (I am also leaving (the ipad) to walk the dogs and do some much needed vacuuming.)

[El...]

"That's nice of you to say.  I'm not doing anything special.  How 'bout them cowboys?" 

 

Losing weight is our national obsession, and I bet these people are being kind - they think you must be on a diet or something.  I bet if your tone is uninterested, they will move on.

 

I'm sorry you're going through so much stress.  That's awful.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I'm just dead honest with people.  "Oh you look like you lost weight!!!  How did you do it?"  It's amazing what stress and anxiety will do for one's figure....or Nothing says YAY WEIGHT LOSS like GERD and ulcers. 

 

I'm getting the opposite.  I HAVE lost weight and worked at it and I don't get one stinking comment.

 

 

[JustEm]

I would mention something about your life completely not about what's going on. So if they ask, "How are you doing." Say something like, "well yesterday X happened and that was nice,fun, interesting, annoying, etc... So is anyone reading anything interesting now." The new question changes the convo and hopefully makes it obvious to the person asking to shut up.

 

If they ask for and update I'd say, " hmm well since we last talked I've basically been doing normal routine things like grocery shopping, homeschooling, cleaning, etc... So is anyone reading anything interesting?"

[fairfarmhand]

How are things going? "We're managing. How are you and yours?"

 

Do you have an update on x, y, and z. "Yes, but I really don't feel up to discussing that right now. How is your oldest doing in college?"

 

You've lost weight! That's great! What have you been doing? "Thank you! I'm just eating a little less." (which is true but doesn't go into WHY you're eating less. )

 

 

[KungFuPanda]

How about "If I knew I'd tell you. It wasn't intentional." Or blame the early spring if you're having it. "Comfort food season is over." or "It's been to pretty to sit at home so I've been running around a lot lately." Or "I guess I'm coming out of winter hibernation."

[HollyDay]

If I understand the post, you don't want others to know your personal story.  I get that.  Some ideas:

"Oh, you've lost weight!!"

 

"Thanks, how are you and your family?"  people love to talk about themselves.

"Gosh, I hadn't noticed, thanks for mentioning it."

"I don't really pay attention to such things."  If you are feeling particularly snarky and really want to shut down, you could go on to say something like, "but I can see why you would." or "I'm sorry to worry about such things..."

"I just cut out....(salt, sugar, candy, etc.) and just let nature take its course."  then change the subject " I'm looking for a new read, what are you reading....(or some such to get them talking)"

 

basically get them talking about them.  If you are in a situation you can leave (like at the mailbox) you can always claim something on the stove or in the oven. 

 

If you are stuck (like in a waiting room) and they really don't get the hint, keep redirecting and say something like, "I really don't want to talk about weight anymore.  I think women pay too much attention and are judged too harshly for their number on a scale.  How about our IQ, our age, our quality of life.  Don't you think that women have come so much farther than this single topic?"  You could go on for quite a while on that one.  And transition to all sorts of topics....

[Seasider]

I cut past answering their inquiry and, with a smile, ask them about his/herself or family. Most people like to talk about themselves and will pick up the ball and run with it. Good friends will catch themselves and go with it as they realize they brought up a private matter in a public setting. Afterwards, alone with the blabber, i might say something like, "Sorry, I cut you off, but what I shared with you on that matter is not something I wish to discuss in front of other people. I know you will understand my request to not ask me about it in public."

[Anne in CA]

I think that people are trying to be nice. Also, it is the time of year when dieting before buying spring clothes is on everyone's mind so people are curious. I would just tell people that you have been too busy to snack, lol. A home school mom is always busy. That is polite and then you can move the conversation forward. I stress eat, so I never lose weight when stressed. 

[AK_Mom4]

Turn it around on them. "Thank you. How is your family doing?" Is my go-to phrase when people ask about weight loss. I don't want to explain that I'm on new drugs because it's none of their business.

 

Asking questions about them turns the focus around so you can avoid the discussion.

[DawnM]

Thank you!  Eat less, move more, that is what they always say.

 

The end.

 

Although with me, I get probers......"What exactly are you eating?"  "What exactly are you doing?"  "Are you doing a program?"

 

UGH.

 

I am about to do a diet center diet.  I don't look forward to questions.  "Oh, just sticking to low carb" will be my answer.  Any more questions and I will probably just say, "Atkins." even though that wont' exactly be true.

[Twigs]

I'm just dead honest with people.  "Oh you look like you lost weight!!!  How did you do it?"  It's amazing what stress and anxiety will do for one's figure....or Nothing says YAY WEIGHT LOSS like GERD and ulcers. 

 

I'm getting the opposite.  I HAVE lost weight and worked at it and I don't get one stinking comment.

Yay!!!  :hurray:  :hurray:  :hurray: Keep up the good work!!

:party:  :party:  :party:

[Twigs]

Our family is going through a stressful time …

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

Edited February 28, 2017 by Twigs

[RioSamba]

Your sister's response about the weight is perfect, but it must be followed with a change of subject.

 

"Thank you, I hadn't noticed. [Question about family, sports, activities, whatever]."

 

The other situation is trickier. You can answer a question they didn't ask, then ask a question about something unrelated, or you can answer very generally, then ask a question. Don't give up information you don't want to share, and take control of the conversation. If you have a die hard inquisitor, develop a pressing need to leave and do it.

[NorthwestMom]

I think that saying you weren't trying, or hadn't noticed, inadvertently CONTINUES the conversation since so many people worry about their weight and try hard to lose it - it makes your experience sound unusual. Also, saying you weren't trying to lost weight and did anyway indirectly says "something is wrong", and people may feel they should ask if you are ok.

 

Having been in your shoes a few years ago, this situation is easier to address than you think. Try this:

 

1. Tell small lies. "I lost weight by taking longer walks in the neighborhood/ cutting back on sweets/ not eating the kids' leftovers." These three weight loss strategies are common and there's not a lot more to say about them, plus no one will know if you are really doing these things or not (don't say you are losing weight by going gluten-free and then be seen eating bagels at Starbucks).   

 

2. Ask about them and their families ASAP. I was surprised and a little depressed how quickly I "taught" people to only talk about themselves in my presence, BUT, then I could avoid discussing the BAD THING.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

Edited February 28, 2017 by NorthwestMom

[zoobie]

1. Just say "Thanks" and ask them how they're doing or some other polite chit chatty question.

 

2. To the pushy question in public, ignore their real intent and answer as if it's chit chat. "Fine! And how are you? This weather is beautiful, isn't it?"

[Guest]

I'm just dead honest with people.  "Oh you look like you lost weight!!!  How did you do it?"  It's amazing what stress and anxiety will do for one's figure....or Nothing says YAY WEIGHT LOSS like GERD and ulcers. 

 

I'm getting the opposite.  I HAVE lost weight and worked at it and I don't get one stinking comment.

 

Sparkly, you look great!  Have you been losing some weight?  You go, girl!

[SparklyUnicorn]

Oh geesh, I wasn't trying to fish for a compliment.  I just find it weird that people ask questions when we don't want them to and then ignore us when we want them to ask!

 

but thank you.  ; )

 

 

[Guest]

Oh geesh, I wasn't trying to fish for a compliment.  I just find it weird that people ask questions when we don't want them to and then ignore us when we want them to ask!

 

but thank you.  ; )

 

:0)

 

I'm not a weight noticer.  My mom lost/gained all the time when I was growing up and she would always ask me, "Do I look any thinner/fatter?"  I really just could never tell.  She just looked like...Mom.  

 

My son got super thin in his 20th year--he was always a rail, but it took a friend who saw him at church to tell me that he needed to see a doctor.  THEN I saw it.  He was skeletal.  (He is back up to weight again, rail-thin.  But healthy.). 

 

ETA:  I never ask about weight or pregnancy unless I am alone with someone very close to me.  The weight one is sort of a dead-end question most of the time anyway, and it is really embarrassing when you ask the wrong question.  "Are you pregnant?"  No.  Fat.  (ugh)

[Aura]

IMO, the key to passing the bean dip is...questions!

 

Whatever you decide to throw out as a response, always follow it with a question. Question. Question. Question. "How's the family?" "Have you heard about that new diet ______? What do you think about that?" The initial response doesn't really matter, because you're not going to stop long enough to let them thing about it. Even a shrug and "I dunno" works, as long as you follow up with a question.

 

And the question doesn't have to be related to the topic. Just toss it out and act genuinely interested in their answer. Most people will feel pleased that you want their input on some topic, even it's completely unrelated.

 

  :grouphug:

[TX Native]

If you are close to the people that know and ask you questions in public, I would send a short, sweet email requesting they not bring it up in conversations around others. Something like, "I appreciate you being concerned about my current situation. However, I have only shared details with a few people. Therefore, do you mind not bringing it up in public conversation? I understand you mean well by asking, but I just don't care to talk about it around others, nor do I want anybody other than those I've told to know I am going through a difficult time. Thank you."

 

I lose weight when going through stressful times too. A couple years ago a few people noticed and asked what I was doing. I said something like, "Nothing, but I have been extra busy and less focused on food lately, maybe that's why." Funny, no one ever asks what I'm doing when it is obvious that I gained weight!

 

Another response could be, "I haven't been doing anything intentional to lose weight, but sometimes my metabolism changes and I lose weight easily." No details necessary.

Edited February 28, 2017 by TX native

[DawnM]

IMO, the key to passing the bean dip is...questions!

 

Whatever you decide to throw out as a response, always follow it with a question. Question. Question. Question. "How's the family?" "Have you heard about that new diet ______? What do you think about that?" The initial response doesn't really matter, because you're not going to stop long enough to let them thing about it. Even a shrug and "I dunno" works, as long as you follow up with a question.

 

And the question doesn't have to be related to the topic. Just toss it out and act genuinely interested in their answer. Most people will feel pleased that you want their input on some topic, even it's completely unrelated.

 

  :grouphug:

 

 

You must talk to very different people than I do.  I tend to get people who won't drop it.  I can counter with something else and they circle right back to whatever it was they wanted to know.

[school17777]

Thanks for all the suggestions! They will all help to keep in the back of my mind.

 

I do intend to mention to the group we shared info with that it was in confidence and to please keep that in mind when they see us around other people. I know they are just trying to be kind when they see us by asking, but I don't think they realize how stressful it is for us when they ask around other people. I am surprised they don't think about it, because I would keep it in mind if it was the other way around.

[Angie in VA]

You must talk to very different people than I do.  I tend to get people who won't drop it.  I can counter with something else and they circle right back to whatever it was they wanted to know.

 

 

You know my MIL????  :leaving:

[HollyDay]

One other idea....

 

If you get stuck with people who won't let it go, reach for your cell phone as if it just vibrated and look long at it....then...."I've got to take this...or I've got to respond to this."  Then pretend to text and concentrate on the phone.  If they still won't leave, then walk away...."Sorry, this going to take some concentration....another time??"

[Aura]

You must talk to very different people than I do.  I tend to get people who won't drop it.  I can counter with something else and they circle right back to whatever it was they wanted to know.

 

MOST people I encounter respond to questions and drop the other topic, but I have had some people that do what you say and circle back. But they've been so obtusely nosy that I don't know if any kind of "pass the bean dip" phrases would have worked on them. Ugh. 

[Seasider]

MOST people I encounter respond to questions and drop the other topic, but I have had some people that do what you say and circle back. But they've been so obtusely nosy that I don't know if any kind of "pass the bean dip" phrases would have worked on them. Ugh.

I have a relative like that. It's circular -

 

Nosy question

Redirect

Nosy question

Redirect again

 

After two redirects I usually have to answer the phone or go to the bathroom.

[DawnM]

You know my MIL????  :leaving:

 

 

Yup, and my mother!

 

In fact, she will CALL you later if dodge out of the conversation now, she will assume you actually did have to go to the bathroom or whatever, and that you haven't finished the conversation, so she will call and try to engage again.

[Guest]

Oh geesh, I wasn't trying to fish for a compliment. I just find it weird that people ask questions when we don't want them to and then ignore us when we want them to ask!

 

but thank you. ; )

Here's what I think sometimes when someone has lost weight: "Wow, Sparkly looks terrific! But if I say that, then she might be thinking, 'What, did I look terrible before?' So now I'm afraid to tell her she looks terrific."

 

When I was pg with my first kid, several people told me that I looked better with "some meat on my bones." That comment annoyed me to no end. It was like, Gee, sorry I looked so skeletal before.

[school17777]

Here's what I think sometimes when someone has lost weight: "Wow, Sparkly looks terrific! But if I say that, then she might be thinking, 'What, did I look terrible before?' So now I'm afraid to tell her she looks terrific."

 

When I was pg with my first kid, several people told me that I looked better with "some meat on my bones." That comment annoyed me to no end. It was like, Gee, sorry I looked so skeletal before.

That is how I feel when people say that I have lost weight. What did I look like before?

[zoobie]

MOST people I encounter respond to questions and drop the other topic, but I have had some people that do what you say and circle back. But they've been so obtusely nosy that I don't know if any kind of "pass the bean dip" phrases would have worked on them. Ugh.

At that point, I'd be beyond polite subject changing. "I am not discussing that."

[school17777]

Update: Today someone that I was alluding to in the op came up to me, while I was talking to someone else, and asked what number I was today (meaning on a scale of 1 to 10, how was I feeling). I pulled her aside and told her that that question put me on the spot and that she was told the info in confidence, but when she asked me how I was doing in front of other people, it stressed me out and then the other person that she asked in front of now was wondering what was going on with me. She said she thought be just asking what my number was that other people wouldn't know what she was talking about, but then she said they might ask me what that was about. She said she hadn't thought about it before.

 

Hopefully, that will put a stop to that, at least from her.

[Pam in CT]

I have a friend who simply does not answer questions she doesn't want to answer.  I've known her since she was barely out of college.  She did it then, she's now a super-high-powered finance executive, and she still does it now.  

 

She just doesn't answer any question she doesn't want to answer.  No excuses, no bean dip, no change-of-subject question, no serious effort at deflection or redirection even, she just doesn't answer.  

 

It had never occurred to me that such... ignoring that the question even was asked... was within the range of possible options.  It was a rather stunning revelation to me.   Just 'cuz someone asks something, does not oblige me to respond.  At all.  Simple deafness is actually an option.

 

 

[snickerplum]

"Have I ever told you about the time when ...?" Long irrelevant story. The more random the better.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Χά�ων]

I am glad others posted ideas. Every single thing that flew into my mind was a wee bit snarky. And by a "wee bit" I mean extremely...

[school17777]

I am glad others posted ideas. Every single thing that flew into my mind was a wee bit snarky. And by a "wee bit" I mean extremely...

I can think up snarky things to say! But, i don't want to say those things out loud. I am thinking that most people's intentions aren't meant to be inconsiderate/rude/unkind, so I don't want to be like that back to them. I think that most people's intentions are well-meaning.

[El...]

I think all of you with brilliant snark should tell us your ideas.  You know, let it out.  It's really fun to read all the things we will NEVER say.  ;) 

[Guest]

The response is just too easy when you live in Denver.  "Thanks.  How 'bout them Broncos?"  

 

This reality has stunted my social interaction for years.  Seems it doesn't work in Seattle.  

 

[RioSamba]

I have a friend who simply does not answer questions she doesn't want to answer.  I've known her since she was barely out of college.  She did it then, she's now a super-high-powered finance executive, and she still does it now.  

 

She just doesn't answer any question she doesn't want to answer.  No excuses, no bean dip, no change-of-subject question, no serious effort at deflection or redirection even, she just doesn't answer.  

 

It had never occurred to me that such... ignoring that the question even was asked... was within the range of possible options.  It was a rather stunning revelation to me.   Just 'cuz someone asks something, does not oblige me to respond.  At all.  Simple deafness is actually an option.

 

 

When a question is extremely rude, I've been known to very sweetly ask them to repeat it, then say, "Oh, my. I thought I must have misheard you [short pause]," then continue on with unrelated conversation.

 

 

Update: Today someone that I was alluding to in the op came up to me, while I was talking to someone else, and asked what number I was today (meaning on a scale of 1 to 10, how was I feeling). I pulled her aside and told her that that question put me on the spot and that she was told the info in confidence, but when she asked me how I was doing in front of other people, it stressed me out and then the other person that she asked in front of now was wondering what was going on with me. She said she thought be just asking what my number was that other people wouldn't know what she was talking about, but then she said they might ask me what that was about. She said she hadn't thought about it before.

Hopefully, that will put a stop to that, at least from her.

I'm glad you spoke to her. It's stunning that she couldn't figure this out for herself'