DawnM Posted December 7, 2016 Share Posted December 7, 2016 My son is really a great kid. He is helpful, kind, sensitive, and trustworthy. But he doesn't really care if he has friends or not. He goes to PS now and hasn't made friends and doesn't care. Last night he told me that even the Christians he has met talk about partying and drinking and sex, so why bother. He doesn't want to be involved in any of those things. I asked if he would prefer to either go to the Christian school next year (he could pick between several) or go to the community college as a dual enrollment student instead of attending our local PS. He says no, he would rather just stay where he is and finish high school. He has kept a few of his homeschooling friends, all of whom are attending the CC either this year or next, so I thought the CC would be a great option. He now has his license as well, so it would be easy for him to get there and back. He still says no although he can't quite verbalize why. He is an introvert. I am not. So I am wondering if that is the issue. I just don't "get" him. How can he want to stay where he is but make no social connections? And no, he does not have Asperger's or any other social issues. He does have ADD but that isn't an issue with the social aspect. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bethben Posted December 7, 2016 Share Posted December 7, 2016 Not the same age, but I have a 12 year old like that. Doesn't really care if he has close friends. He goes to a one day a week enrichment day at a charter school and seems to have other boys who really like him (I've met them), yet when I suggest he get together with them, he's not interested. The only time I've seen him get really animated and chatty with someone outside our family is when I introduced him to a friend of mine who has a tech business. They rebuilt a computer together. For the first time in his life, I had hope that he would actually learn how to make it in this world. That someday, he would find people with similar interests and actually like to interact with others. Also, his dream job is to run a company in the Amazon that's run entirely by robots. That way, he doesn't have to deal with people. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheReader Posted December 7, 2016 Share Posted December 7, 2016 Some kids, especially introverts, just really prefer one or two good connections, not a whole circle of friends, acquaintances, etc. My DH is that way, and my oldest and youngest, for sure, and maybe also my middle. I am not, and it has taken me a while to realize that alone does not, to an introvert, equal lonely. Alone, to an introvert, is often a blissful sort of idea. If he is an introvert, that is likely all it is. He is content to have passing acquaintances with the folks at school, doesn't see a need to develop deeper friendships with people who have interests so far outside his, still maintains connection with some of his home school friends, and so is likely quite content. For him, if he is like my guys, school is a place to go and do a job, and therefore has no need to have any social component to it (and, as an introvert, is probably easier/better without the stress of having to deal with social stuff). As for staying where he is, vs. switching to some place where he could have social connections -- same thing. School is for work, not social time. If he connects with his couple of friends outside of school, in whatever level he is comfortable with (even if it is way less than you think would be needed), he is probably being honest when he says he is fine with things as they are. It took me a while to wrap my brain around this, but all of my guys assure me it is true. Thankfully DH was/is the same way, and reassures me whenever I start second guessing things. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MinivanMom Posted December 7, 2016 Share Posted December 7, 2016 As an introvert, I can understand wanting to stay at a school even if you haven't made social connections there. I attended 3 different high schools, and the switches were extremely stressful for me. I would gladly have stayed at a school where I had no friends if it meant that I had the stability of staying in a single environment. I had close friends at church and a close childhood friend that I continued to get together with so I was happy regardless of my school situation. I viewed school friends as more of a bonus than a necessity. Also, I always viewed school as school. I was there to learn and get good grades. I just never viewed it as fun socialization time the way an extrovert might. So if he has close friends outside of school, then I wouldn't worry too much. He may genuinely prefer stability at the current school over the stress of moving to another high school. Of course, I'm assuming that he's made enough acquaintance-level social connections at the high school that he has kids to eat lunch with everyday and kids to buddy up with for group projects. I would be concerned if he was eating lunch alone or was genuinely isolated. That's not good, even for an introvert. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted December 7, 2016 Author Share Posted December 7, 2016 As an introvert, I can understand wanting to stay at a school even if you haven't made social connections there. I attended 3 different high schools, and the switches were extremely stressful for me. I would gladly have stayed at a school where I had no friends if it meant that I had the stability of staying in a single environment. I had close friends at church and a close childhood friend that I continued to get together with so I was happy regardless of my school situation. I viewed school friends as more of a bonus than a necessity. Also, I always viewed school as school. I was there to learn and get good grades. I just never viewed it as fun socialization time the way an extrovert might. So if he has close friends outside of school, then I wouldn't worry too much. He may genuinely prefer stability at the current school over the stress of moving to another high school. Of course, I'm assuming that he's made enough acquaintance-level social connections at the high school that he has kids to eat lunch with everyday and kids to buddy up with for group projects. I would be concerned if he was eating lunch alone or was genuinely isolated. That's not good, even for an introvert. He says he sits in the library for lunch and does homework. He says there are a few others in there he speaks to but I don't know if they are actual friends or not. He was homeschooled for 9th, went to a charter for 10th and now is attending our local PS. All the changes were his choice though. The charter was a mistake (on my part) but we were considering moving and I thought the charter would be great since a move would mean he could stay at the same school. He liked it well enough for the year but was glad he had another option for this school year. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinder Posted December 7, 2016 Share Posted December 7, 2016 Ds1 was sort of like this. He got along fine with the kids at school but made no real friends there. School was just something that had to be done. He didn't really make any connections until he was about 20yo, when he and an acquaintance-ish friend starting going to the gym together. These two had gotten together before for game nights, but always by a third friend's initiative to get the group together. All of ds1's real friends ended up being people from church, even though he was barely involved with them during his high school years--never went to youth group or other youth activities. I did worry about ds1 in his high school years. It just took awhile for him to bloom, and now at 22yo he's a much different person than he was in his teens. Hugs to you as you navigate these teen years. :grouphug: 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MEmama Posted December 7, 2016 Share Posted December 7, 2016 My DS is like this. He likes people, he's active and involved in sports and volunteer work, he's well socialized (ha ha) for a teenage boy, but he really has only one close buddy (as close as teen boys are, anyway). It's plenty for him. He has opportunities to expand his social circle but no desire to do so, and that's just fine. He's looking forward to public high school next year and I think it will be terrific for him, but I'm not getting sense he cares about making more friends there. He's definitely an introvert, and very very comfortable in his own skin. Honestly, I envy his lack of social drama, his lack of conformity and doing things just to please others. He'll connect with the right people when it's the right time; for him, I've always felt that college and beyond will be that time. If yours is happy and well adjusted, I wouldn't worry. Embrace the kid you have! :) 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted December 7, 2016 Share Posted December 7, 2016 Normal for introverts. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reefgazer Posted December 7, 2016 Share Posted December 7, 2016 I was that kid in high school, and I was an extrovert. Don't worry about it at all; if the kid seems fine with it and there are no other problems, he'll be fine. The reason I was this way in high school is because I was very busy with school and work, and because I hadn't really found a niche or people who I really bonded with or "clicked" with. He'll find his crowd in college, where he'll mingle with people who have interests that he has and where he'll find a wider variety of people to "choose" from. Really, don't worry about it. I was fine and happy and have fond memories of high school, even though I didn't make tight friends there. My son is really a great kid. He is helpful, kind, sensitive, and trustworthy. But he doesn't really care if he has friends or not. He goes to PS now and hasn't made friends and doesn't care. Last night he told me that even the Christians he has met talk about partying and drinking and sex, so why bother. He doesn't want to be involved in any of those things. I asked if he would prefer to either go to the Christian school next year (he could pick between several) or go to the community college as a dual enrollment student instead of attending our local PS. He says no, he would rather just stay where he is and finish high school. He has kept a few of his homeschooling friends, all of whom are attending the CC either this year or next, so I thought the CC would be a great option. He now has his license as well, so it would be easy for him to get there and back. He still says no although he can't quite verbalize why. He is an introvert. I am not. So I am wondering if that is the issue. I just don't "get" him. How can he want to stay where he is but make no social connections? And no, he does not have Asperger's or any other social issues. He does have ADD but that isn't an issue with the social aspect. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted December 7, 2016 Share Posted December 7, 2016 My dh is pretty introverted. (We took a little online quiz for fun.). I've been married to him for 25 years and known him for 26. I was his only friend until about 7 years ago when he finally met some guys that he connected with. Until then he simply didn't have the same interests as the people around him and never felt a bond with them. In the past 7 years, he's had three friends, but one moved away, so he's down to two. He has a work friend whom he gets along with great, but it's a work friendship and as soon as one of them moves to a new job, it'll be over. He's 48 and really didn't make these friends until he was around 40. My dh has been perfectly happy not having friends. We have had aquaintances together as a couple and he's been content to hang out with the husbands of the couples when someone else sets up an event, but he didn't connect or consider them dear friends. If we weren't hanging out as a group, he didn't bother to try to connect. It's been strange to see him have relationships outside of me and my connections, but also is GREAT. I love it that he has friends beyond me! I think your son is fine. Probably somewhere along the line he'll find someone to be friends with, but it might take a long time and it sounds like he doesn't much care while he waits for someone he connects with to show up. Now, if you see signs of depression or something, then it might be a problem, but if he says he's happy and if he acts happy, then he probably is. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted December 7, 2016 Share Posted December 7, 2016 My ds was like that for a long time, then it began to matter and he really struggled. Fortunately there were really nice kids at church who took him in when he wanted friends. I would say that it might not matter now, but it probably will at some point. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MinivanMom Posted December 7, 2016 Share Posted December 7, 2016 He says he sits in the library for lunch and does homework. He says there are a few others in there he speaks to but I don't know if they are actual friends or not. He was homeschooled for 9th, went to a charter for 10th and now is attending our local PS. All the changes were his choice though. The charter was a mistake (on my part) but we were considering moving and I thought the charter would be great since a move would mean he could stay at the same school. He liked it well enough for the year but was glad he had another option for this school year. Does he feel okay about that? As long as he feels okay about the lunch situation, then it's probably fine. And if there are other kids in the library and they've developed enough of an acquaintance that he knows their names and chats with them, then I would say that he's eating lunch with his library buddies. In fact, he may have more in common with the studious, introverted library crowd than with the extroverts eating out in the commons or lunchroom. I would view those library acquaintances as part of his school social support and as potential friends. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted December 7, 2016 Author Share Posted December 7, 2016 The strangest part to me is that pre-puberty, he was a really outgoing kid. He played soccer, was very social, and loved talking to people. Then around age 11 or 12 he changed. He told me yesterday when we were talking that he didn't really like the one HS group we were in and only went because I made him. He preferred the other group where he still has some friends. That second group is the group he is inviting to his birthday deal in a couple of weeks. We are discussing college options and he seems to want to go to college but has no particular goal and doesn't seem to want to go away to college at all. I think he would be content to stay home and commute. That is an option for sure, I won't push it, but I honestly had thought he would go away to school Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kassia Posted December 7, 2016 Share Posted December 7, 2016 My dd (14) is like that. It's hard for me to understand because I was so social at her age. She seems perfectly content, though. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RioSamba Posted December 7, 2016 Share Posted December 7, 2016 My BFF's son was and is very much like that. He really had just one good friend, and that friendship has endured (they are mid 20s now). He had one serious girlfriend in high school and one in college, but neither stuck. He's always socialized when he chose; he's never been an outcast. He's a very confident young man with a great job. He's done well with roommates but can now afford live on his own. He's passionate about the outdoors and has a group of people with whom he hikes, climbs, etc. He's a happy introvert. If your son is happy, I wouldn't worry. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2scouts Posted December 8, 2016 Share Posted December 8, 2016 I have a 14 year old like that. He's active in Scouts and youth group and gets along fine with the other guys, but that's more than enough interaction for him. He has outside-the-box interests and he prefers spending his time on those activities. He's very much like my oldest son who is married and employed, so I'm not worried. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lllll Posted December 8, 2016 Share Posted December 8, 2016 (edited) nm Edited December 25, 2016 by ..Kathy.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janeway Posted December 8, 2016 Share Posted December 8, 2016 He simply likes high school for the school, not the socializing. That is okay too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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