hopskipjump Posted October 26, 2016 Share Posted October 26, 2016 (edited) Deleted Edited October 27, 2016 by hopskipjump Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted October 27, 2016 Share Posted October 27, 2016 I would talk to the mom and possibly also to the adults responsible for this activity. His behavior equates to sexual harassment and will be perceived that way by others, even if his intentions are relatively innocent. He needs adult mentors to teach him that this is completely inappropriate or he will get himself into serious trouble in the future. 14 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted October 27, 2016 Share Posted October 27, 2016 (edited) If he is seriously obsessed with your dd he may also need to be removed from activities which involve her. If he were my child I think I would pull him out. Edited October 27, 2016 by maize 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne Posted October 27, 2016 Share Posted October 27, 2016 Wow! Kudos to your dd for taking time with this young man! Things which occur to me: 1. Where are the adults in this activity? Why aren't they ensuring that this young man is not being left out??? 2. Definitely time to bring young man's mom into the picture - I'm sure this is not going to be new info for her. I would start with, you know, my dd and your ds have been friends, but she is becoming concerned that he thinks there's something more going on than there is - he has been inappropriate with her and she's just not sure how to proceed with him. She doesn't want to end their friendship but his behavior is becoming increasing difficult for her to handle. I wanted to talk with you to see if you had any ideas for this situation. I know this would be awkward - but it sounds to me as if the situation has the potential to become really unpleasant if it's not dealt with ASAP. Anne 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ailaena Posted October 27, 2016 Share Posted October 27, 2016 (edited) I would probably have an awkward conversation with his mom in hopes she would know how to approach him and reinforce the idea of boundaries. I went through a similar thing with a married man a few years ago to whom I made it quite clear I had no romantic intentions towards. It ended poorly. It would have been easier had somebody else - maybe somebody he respected - explained to him that what he was doing was way awkward and inappropriate. Eta: I mention this because he was on the spectrum and totally innocent, so it was kind of relevant :p Edited October 27, 2016 by Ailaena 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted October 27, 2016 Share Posted October 27, 2016 (edited) I agree with everyone else. if something is not said/done ASAP then things could accelerate rapidly. I think personally it would be best if the boy was removed from the group. might make the dd upset but would be safer/ better all round in the long term Edited October 27, 2016 by Melissa in Australia 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted October 27, 2016 Share Posted October 27, 2016 Yes, you need to talk to mom. This won't be the first time she needs to explain social stuff to him. And she may not be aware that he's crossed the threshold into liking girls that way, etc. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Storygirl Posted October 27, 2016 Share Posted October 27, 2016 If I had a child who had inappropriate social behavior -- and I do, though he is younger, so the situations haven't escalated that way -- I would want the other mom to tell me what was going on. So yes, talk to the mom. Sorry. I'm glad your DD is so kind, though. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xahm Posted October 27, 2016 Share Posted October 27, 2016 I'd try to get a male leader buddy up with this guy. Maybe approach it as being due to his now being a legal adult, they can hang out more. Her safety matters. Maybe remind her that, in the long run, she's keeping him safe by teaching him boundaries. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alicia64 Posted October 27, 2016 Share Posted October 27, 2016 If I had a child who had inappropriate social behavior -- and I do, though he is younger, so the situations haven't escalated that way -- I would want the other mom to tell me what was going on. So yes, talk to the mom. Sorry. I'm glad your DD is so kind, though. I totally agree w/ Storygirl. As the mom, I'd want to know. As kind as he is, I'm betting he's incredibly insistent on this topic. Also, I think dd needs assistance in this matter whether she realizes it or not. As a teen, I had a similar situation and it was very, very difficult to deal with on my own. Nobody helped. I was super kind etc. etc. and the boy was attracted to my kindness. (Sometimes we can be kind to the point of not being to ourselves.) That you're being so proactive is awesome. Alley 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted October 27, 2016 Share Posted October 27, 2016 The young man is 18 and behaving inappropriately. I feel,bad for him but eventually he has to live in the real world where he can't harass young women. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyS Posted October 27, 2016 Share Posted October 27, 2016 The mom needs to know. This is a pivotal moment in this young man's life. Seriously. This is where things can either pivot to more teaching, helping, guiding, OR things can be allowed to spiral out of control and a guy can end up in prison so fast you wouldn't believe it. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Posted October 27, 2016 Share Posted October 27, 2016 Or. I know of another situation where a developmentally disabled boy started getting pretty...uh, not okay...with young girls at church. The men in the 20-30s crowd just took it upon themselves to keep an eye out and keep him busy. One or two of them at a time make sure he's engaged in conversation, so the young girls aren't in awkward situations. I know the maturity of the other kids can be a problem, but maybe a frank talk with the closest of dd's friends could help them all develop a game plan to help everyone, especially the boy, have a good time and overcome this situation. We had a phd student at our church who was this way. A couple of young men took it upon themselves to occupy him and occasionally tell him that certain things were not appropriate to be said. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted October 27, 2016 Share Posted October 27, 2016 The parents need to know. They will want to protect their son who may display such behavior in other situations where it is not met with so much kindness and understanding. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MyLittleBears Posted October 27, 2016 Share Posted October 27, 2016 Definitely talk to the parents. He is obviously not getting the hints. He may be 18 but I can tell you his is probably more like a 11 yr old, in terms of maturity. This maturity problem is very typical of ASD and his parents need to intervene to help him navigate a increasingly more adult world and feelings. It's not going to go away without intervention and it will not only be uncomfortable for you dd, it will get worse for him as he gets older. Your dd is obviously very kind but someone else may not be. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RioSamba Posted October 27, 2016 Share Posted October 27, 2016 Your daughter sounds absolutely lovely. In your shoes, I would speak kindly, without condemnation, but very firmly and clearly to the parents. I would provide many detailed examples, and I would ask them to address it with their son. If that didn't solve the problem, I would alert the activity leaders. It would not be a kindness to this young man to allow this to continue, he needs to learn appropriate boundaries for his own sake as well. I would also have a conversation with my daughter. This is a delicate situation because of the ASD, and DD's long term feelings of protecting this boy. It's hard to articulate, I guess I would want to avoid setting a precedent where she feels responsible for someone sexually harassing her, or ignores red flags in order to be kind. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted October 27, 2016 Share Posted October 27, 2016 I agree with the consensus that the boy needs some form of 'dealing with'. But, also: you need to *stop* admiring, affirming, and complimenting your daughter's *incredibly* unwise and self-damaging so-called "kindness". I want to say maybe "her heart is in the right place," -- but it's not true. Her heart is NOT in the right place when it is 'all for others' and *literally* 'myself last' at her own expense. The right place for her heart is somewhere balanced between looking out for others and looking out for 'number one'. Nice girls do whatever makes anyone else more comfortable. Good girls know how to say, "Stop that." And "Go away." And, "We're not friends because you can't respect me or treat me appropriately." Good girls respect themselves enough to be not nice sometimes -- without beating themselves up as if they don't deserve the good treatment they demand. She needs to need to know that men who can't listen to a verbal snack down need a stronger message! (and a slap if necessary, but hopefully not.) If she thinks otherwise, that's fine, she's young: but you need to parent her towards good sense and reasonable boundaries. It's not ok that she's torn up about hurting the feelings of a man who is harassing her and manhandling her body. Yes, it's complicated that he has a disability. Some pity for boundaries that have to happen might be appropriate, because bobody asks to have ASD... But however she came to the conclusion that it's her job to be the victim because someone else has a disability: she is so, so! Wrong! Please help her while you still can. 14 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted October 27, 2016 Share Posted October 27, 2016 I agree with everyone that you need to talk to the parents. When I was teaching brick and mortar school, I worked for several years at a school with a lot of kids who had social skills deficits. The number of "right now, this is mostly just a conversation between you (student) and me (your dean/adviser), but in a few years, this will be a sexual harassment charge and you'll be kicked out of college and/or lose a job" conversations I had to have with teen boys... He's a young man, he needs to be reminded of this and hopefully turned around. ASAP. Also... while I wouldn't have used quite the intensity of words that bolt used above, I agree with the gist of it - maybe your dd's "heart is in the right place" but she's putting her own needs behind those of this young man in a way that is not healthy. End stop. She sounds like she's incredibly good at navigating social situations in a kind way and at trying to distract or defer when things get awkward. Great. A useful skill out in the real world if you don't want to be combative all the time. But she has to not just say no, but also make the no clear. And she's not really doing that because it keeps happening. She needs to walk away when he does that. She needs to be willing to drop people who can't respect her boundaries. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathryn Posted October 27, 2016 Share Posted October 27, 2016 If I had a child who had inappropriate social behavior -- and I do, though he is younger, so the situations haven't escalated that way -- I would want the other mom to tell me what was going on. So yes, talk to the mom. Sorry. I'm glad your DD is so kind, though. Exactly this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.