That phone call better have been important (vent) ...

[Haiku]

my four year old told me his swim teacher said "the whole point is for the mum to look". 

 

And then we have people bemoaning how many entitled special snowflakes people seem to be raising.

 

Parenting has both collapsed and become a thing. You can't win for losing. You're damned if you do and ... etc.

 

:huh:

[38carrots]

Are you for real? And you are the one wishing us soft landings from moral high ground? Or are you being sarcastic in some manner too subtle for me to grasp?

 

Like several parents here, I work, give some considerate thought to what they should be doing, and then pay for the activities so that I can be spoken about behind my back. I'm not going to pretend I get some special life meaning from my kid learning to swim. But because you get to look up from your book, you win. LOL.

 

The OP said, "That phone call better have been important..."

 

Everyone here ganging on the OP tried to explain to her how the call must have been important. Or that the parent made a choice not to fully observe for whatever important reasons that they might had. Yet the point of OP's vent was to express that she hoped the parent had a good reason not to watch.

 

And it is not about the parent, most of the time. Sometimes my kids want me to watch, sometimes they don't. If they want me to watch, I try to (I don't always manage, but I do enjoy watching.) If they don't want me to, I don't. I would not shame the mother in question for not watching, and the OP didn't do it either.

 

It irked her that the mother didn't watch, and she vented her frustration. The vast majority here is oh so understanding of the mother of twins. But what about the OP? She's a human being directly affected by everyone's reactions here. So what if it was important to her that the mother watched? Maybe the kids reminded her of herself and she felt neglected by her parents. Maybe they were an extremely challenging case to teach and yet they somehow succeeded. No grace extended to the OP at all, because OMG she dared to vent on an anonymous board.

 

No, you win. That's okay.

[SKL]

 

It irked her that the mother didn't watch, and she vented her frustration. The vast majority here is oh so understanding of the mother of twins. But what about the OP? She's a human being directly affected by everyone's reactions here. So what if it was important to her that the mother watched? Maybe the kids reminded her of herself and she felt neglected by her parents. Maybe they were an extremely challenging case to teach and yet they somehow succeeded. No grace extended to the OP at all, because OMG she dared to vent on an anonymous board.

 

She shat upon the twins' mom and she shat upon everyone here who has been in the position of having something compete with her kids for her attention.

 

How would you feel if I came on here and vented that I was disgusted with someone in my vicinity because she was a SAHM or a homeschooler?  Nothing personal!  I'm guessing the amount of "grace" bestowed on me would be very limited.

 

But mostly I am just sick of people (not just the OP) judging working moms by SAHM standards.  Totally ignoring ~10 hours per day (or more) that we spend doing stuff that has to be done.  Every single time I show up for my kids' (or family) stuff, I am under pressure from bosses or clients because I'm not spending that time working.  It never freaking ends.  Often I'm up way into the night, making up for time I spent with my kids during the day.  Let's just say judgment from paid coaches is the absolute last thing I need.

[Haiku]

Let's just say judgment from paid coaches is the absolute last thing I need.

 

Ding ding ding! We have a winner!

 

Paid coaches are hired to teach the child a skill, not get warm fuzzies from the parents or determine how parents should parent.

 

I would promptly fire anyone I paid to do something for me who then slammed me to someone else, "anonymous" or not.

 

And we all know that the internet isn't really anonymous.

[madteaparty]

 

 

No, you win. That's okay.

 I don't win or lose at a game I refuse to play. I would be losing when I worked 100 hours a week and my lovely nanny drove my kids around, and still losing now that I sit at home 24/7 and dare to turn my back when I take them myself.

Edited August 12, 2016 by madteaparty

[Haiku]

Everyone here ganging on the OP tried to explain to her how the call must have been important. 

 

Maybe it was. Maybe it wasn't. In end, it doesn't matter whether it was an urgent phone call or completely frivolous. A parent doesn't have to see, acknowledge, be awed by, or even care about everything their kid does. Or care about what other people care about. If the mom turned away to take a phone call that mattered to her, then good for her. Nothing good comes of the idea that moms have to be endlessly attentive to their precious darlings and that they can't have any sort of personal life.

 

Besides, I think that the title of the thread was sarcastic, not sincere.

[Haiku]

 I don't win or lose at a game I refuse to play. I would be losing when I worked 100 hours a week and my lovely nanny drove my kids around, and still losing now that I sit at home 24/7 and dare to turn my back when I take them myself.

 

Eyes on the prize: pleasing all the people all the time!

[barnwife]

The fact is that many of us have been that mother, and OP was putting us down too.  OP has no idea how hard I struggle being pulled in multiple directions all the time.  Maybe OP should give that some thought.

 

Also I honestly do not understand why it is such a major life moment when a kid can dog paddle a few yards 4 days into a 2 week class.  If that is a major life moment, imagine all the other moments we aren't giving enough ceremony to.  Like flipping an egg, or remembering to wipe and flush the toilet or knowing how to do long division without any help.  Apparently we should be spending our whole lives saying "wow."

 

Hey now...I'd be thrilled if DS6 would do this 100% of the time. I'd certainly give it the time and attention it deserves!

 

As it is, I will probably be asking "did you wash and flush?" when he leaves the restroom for a long time.

 

 

[Haiku]

 

But mostly I am just sick of people (not just the OP) judging working moms by SAHM standards.  

 

I'm not a single or a working mom, but my best friend is. I like to and have watched her son since he was just a few weeks old. Someone once said to me, "It's sad that he spends all day in daycare and then she sends him to spend the evening with you instead of spending time with him."

 

Yeah. Like a few times a month. Because she deserves a life beyond just working and attending to her kid ad infinitum. How terrible that her kid gets to come see his "auntie" and "uncle" and "cousins," who dote on him, and mom gets to drink a beer and eat Chipotle with an actual adult. I mean, really, really terrible.

[cave canem]

But mostly I am just sick of people (not just the OP) judging working moms by SAHM standards. 

 

SKL, I have homeschooled in the past while holding paid employment.  I can feel the stress!

 

However, I don't think a SAHM should be held to the standard set forth above either. 

Mom's employment status isn't the business of a child's teacher.  The mom should be free to decide how emotionally connected to be with her child while said child is under the supervision of a teacher, unless her emotional involvement was one of the terms of engagement of the teacher. 

 

It could be argued that children with a SAHM need more separation from Mom during delegated instruction than do children with a Mom having responsibilities to an employer.

 

Either way, the Mom should not be disparaged for taking advantage of the kid's away time however she can, be it for loafing, working, or just holding society together.

[Guest]

I put my kids in a few paid activities precisely because I don't want to be the on call, totally involved facilitator. It's my separation time out of all our activities. I wouldn't even be at the pool if I didn't absolutely have to be, because my younger kids require me in the pool with them.

 

My goal isn't to watch my kids have fun, it is to let them have fun with someone else's supervision while I take a (rare) breather. If they want to show off they absolutely feel free to call my attention and have me watch. Otherwise, I'm talking with other moms or reading a few pages in a book and not feeling the least bit guilty about it.

[Sk8ermaiden]

Even aside from the fact that the teacher has really no basis in judging mom for this, is the important fact that if you want mom to watch something, you have to let her know! She just assumes the mother knew what was happening and how important it was based on the fact that the mom's face was pointed in that direction when the swimming started. Expecting that level of clairvoyance is insane!!

[MomatHWTK]

Yeah. I'm not into paying people so they can deem themselves superior at parenting my children.

[Lady Florida.]

I have to be honest my four year old told me his swim teacher said "the whole point is for the mum to look".

 

Wow. As someone who lives in a state that loses more children under 5 to drowning than any other state does, I'm glad my son's swimming teacher didn't say that. Florida also has the second highest drowning rate for children up to age 14 (Oddly Oklahoma has the highest. I would have expected it to be another warm climate state.) The whole point of swimming lessons is to learn to swim, to not drown, to be safe in the water. It's nice if a parent can watch and cheer the progress, but it's neither the whole point nor is it even necessary unless the child is having trouble or causing trouble.

 

NOTE: ausmum, I did read the rest of your post even though I didn't quote it, so I know you weren't defending the teacher's statement. This isn't a slam against you and really not even against the teacher as she (he?) might be a very good teacher, but it's a slam against the teacher's comment. 

[GoodGrief]

My youngest daughter started a new sport a couple of years ago. Because she was new to the program and I'm a fairly quiet person, people there didn't know me very well. They had no idea, of course, that I had spent years homeschooling (intensely, at that) and carting all three children around to various activities with a high level of involvement.

 

A couple of months into the program, as the competition season is beginning to heat up, my oldest daughter, a young adult who had been away at college, attempted suicide and we were plunged into all sorts of time consuming issues. I had to be out of state for weeks dealing with residential treatment, and her eventual transition back to school and independent living. I was on the phone constantly, talking or sending e mails as I navigated the mess that is military health insurance. My husband needed to keep working, of course, and hold down the fort at home.

 

Long story short, I was hardly around the gym that year, was constantly relying on the kindness of friends and neighbors to drop her off there, and not only could I not chaperone the team trip to Las Vegas, neither parent could even attend. Did I feel good about that? Absolutely not. Did the coaches know everything that was going on with us? Nope, not in any depth. Did they and the other mothers make assumptions about me and my parenting? Probably. Maybe there are internet posts about me somewhere ;-)

 

At the time though, we felt it was important to keep a certain normalcy for the younger siblings, which meant continuing participation in activities that they enjoyed, as far as we were able to swing it. No regrets.

 

All this to say, though I understand that the OP was a "vent", and who knows, maybe mom is completely callous, there are so many likelier alternative explanations for the behavior (really, doesn't everyone have various stressors in their lives that they are dealing with in any spare moment at any given time?) that I'd suggest it's not worth the emotional energy to get frustrated about it. If one has time after the lesson to connect, definitely explain the significance of that particular swimming milestone to her. I bet she'd love to hear about it!

[luuknam]

Diana, if she makes a habit out of turning away at important moments, maybe ask her about it, but for just one instance, who knows? Just not worth getting/staying upset about, especially if the kids didn't seem to care. Hope swimming lessons went well today. :)

[luuknam]

And "DianaP Shaming" is appropriate and never gets tired, because? What gives you a pass to gang up on another mom here? Is it just because you diagreed with her it is not "mom shaming" anymore? Well, she disagreed with that mom in the pool, and all she did was to inwardly shake her head and vent on an anymous board.

 

Just for the record, I don't think it's mom-shaming when the person is acting in the role of instructor. The OP could've said exactly the same thing and been a childless man or w/e. Now, we happen to know she's a mom, but that doesn't make it mom-shaming. Not that my (or most people here's) posts were intended to be shaming of any variety. They were intended to help the OP figure out that there are various explanations for the mom's behavior.

 

FWIW, one of the best ways to stop being upset about something is to realize that there's an alternative explanation to someone's behavior than the explanation we have in our head. That driver that just cut you off on the highway may have been a jerk, or maybe it was a teenager just learning to drive, or someone in a rush to get to the hospital, or w/e. Sure, we could go into road rage, but it doesn't help us, nor, likely, anyone.

Edited August 12, 2016 by luuknam

[Ausmumof3]

Wow. As someone who lives in a state that loses more children under 5 to drowning than any other state does, I'm glad my son's swimming teacher didn't say that. Florida also has the second highest drowning rate for children up to age 14 (Oddly Oklahoma has the highest. I would have expected it to be another warm climate state.) The whole point of swimming lessons is to learn to swim, to not drown, to be safe in the water. It's nice if a parent can watch and cheer the progress, but it's neither the whole point nor is it even necessary unless the child is having trouble or causing trouble.

 

NOTE: ausmum, I did read the rest of your post even though I didn't quote it, so I know you weren't defending the teacher's statement. This isn't a slam against you and really not even against the teacher as she (he?) might be a very good teacher, but it's a slam against the teacher's comment.

Yep I understand. I felt the same way. I didn't say anything to her because she is absolutely lovely with the kids and a really good teacher and of course being four he may have not reported back exactly what she said but he's usually fairly reliable.

[8circles]

Eyes on the prize: pleasing all the people all the time!

 

 I'm not pleased.  Try harder.

[sewingmama]

I get what you are saying OP. I have a kid who is terrified of the water and spent two weeks clutching the wall for dear life at his swim lessons. Knowing this, even an emergency phone call wouldn't have stopped me cheering and acknowledging his effort of his first swim alone ... I guess I'm just a typical helicopter parent...but I know when things are a big deal for my kid and when they are just an average achievement. My son would have got a standing ovation. Whatever..thats me. Turning your back is strange to me. I mean...sure take your phone call...but does it hurt to give your kid a wave and a thumbs up while you're chatting.

[Haiku]

 I'm not pleased.  Try harder.

 

Arrrggghhh!

[BooksandBoys]

 

Hey now...I'd be thrilled if DS6 would do this 100% of the time. I'd certainly give it the time and attention it deserves!

 

As it is, I will probably be asking "did you wash and flush?" when he leaves the restroom for a long time.

 

 

I'll quote you instead of SKL because I don't know how to do both. Not cheering for flushing absolutely cracked me up because we just had a crazy cheering session because a certain oldest had remembered to both flush and wash his hands twice in the last two days!! Probably the only two times in his life he's done it without me chanting our reminder chant, which I've done every time he's gone for 6 years. I'd throw him a party if I didn't think that was too weird. Also, let's be honest, the party would be as much for me as for him. :-)

[SKL]

I'll quote you instead of SKL because I don't know how to do both. Not cheering for flushing absolutely cracked me up because we just had a crazy cheering session because a certain oldest had remembered to both flush and wash his hands twice in the last two days!! Probably the only two times in his life he's done it without me chanting our reminder chant, which I've done every time he's gone for 6 years. I'd throw him a party if I didn't think that was too weird. Also, let's be honest, the party would be as much for me as for him. :-)

 

I might have said once or twice "let's mark this on the calendar" when both kids remembered to flush on the same day.  :P  Which still does not happen often enough.

 

Though once they remember to flush, you have no way of knowing whether they remembered to wipe.  :/

 

I don't remember this being a grade-school-age development when I was a kid.  Maybe I just didn't notice such things.

[SKL]

Yeah, it sure has changed in sports.  Not really sure if it's for better or worse.

 

My folks left it up to us if we wanted to do school sports, and if we did, it was up to us to figure out how to get to practices and games.  The practice fields were a good distance from our school - we could walk, but it wasn't quick.  If the games were "home" (i.e. at our practice area), we participated, otherwise we missed them unless someone offered us a ride.  For swimming, 8yo was the minimum age kids were allowed to come to the public pools on their own, so that is what we did, and kids learned from other kids how to swim.  I don't know that my parents ever saw me swim.

 

Here, school-aged kids are often dropped off for practices or the parent waits in the car or chats up the other parents.  Only the newest parents are really watching the practices.  Games, usually a parent tries to come, but sometimes kids carpool, because families have other stuff going on.

 

My kids at age 8 used to have swim practice followed by soccer.  I would drop them off with their swim and soccer bags around 5pm.  They'd swim, change, and walk over to the soccer fields, and I'd pick them up at 7:45 or so, fitting in 2.5 hours of work (and sometimes exercise).  Far from feeling guilty, I was pretty proud of myself because we all got so much done those evenings.  I wish more of their activities were around the rec center so I would have less driving to do, and they could experience more independence.