"Parenting" adult kids - Suggestions for resources?

[Jenny in Florida]

I've been burning my candle at both ends trying to start an encore career and still be available to/supportive of my kids. My daughter (21) is going through a rough patch, emotionally, and has been looking to me to be a sounding board. At the same time, my son's semester is winding down, which means I've been travelling to campus and back seeing his performances and helping him find a job for the summer.

 

In theory, I don't mind any of this. I very much want to "be there" for them for as long as they need me and as long as I am able. It's important to be to be that person. I treasure my relationships with them and never want them to feel abandoned just because they have crossed some chronological borderline.

 

But the reality is that, most of the time, they don't need me like this, and I need something to fill my time and occupy my brain. And, after all those years of my being home with them and not earning a salary while also racking up debt for my daughter's college tuition -- not to mention making up out of pocket the difference between my son's cost of attendence and what his scholarships pay -- we also need my income. 

 

These last couple of weeks, I'm just exhausted, and I'm struggling to figure out how to set appropriate, healthy boundaries that will allow me to be the mom I want to be on an ongoing basis for them while still giving me a little space to work on being me and holding onto enough of my mental, emotional and physical energy to be successful in my paid job(s).

 

I'm sure I'm far from alone in trying to navigate this transition. There must be lots of great books full of helpful advice, right? Would anyone care to share a few titles with me?

Edited May 5, 2016 by Jenny in Florida

[Amy in NH]

I think it is great to be there to message or chat, welcome them home on the weekend or vacations, but realistically I'd be moving on with my life instead of keeping my own future on hold to be available at the drop of a hat (minus a major emergency). They are young adults and it might be better to give them the opportunity to try to work some of it out a bit instead of rushing to the rescue. I understand the desire to maintain a close relationship, and how much fun it can be to do things with them at this stage, but it may be time to take step back and focus on your own goals.

 

This may fit, or not. Just musing based on my own experiences.

[Jenny in Florida]

I think it is great to be there to message or chat, welcome them home on the weekend or vacations, but realistically I'd be moving on with my life instead of keeping my own future on hold to be available at the drop of a hat (minus a major emergency). They are young adults and it might be better to give them the opportunity to try to work some of it out a bit instead of rushing to the rescue. I understand the desire to maintain a close relationship, and how much fun it can be to do things with them at this stage, but it may be time to take step back and focus on your own goals.

 

This may fit, or not. Just musing based on my own experiences.

 

This is not a question of rushing to the rescue. As far as my daughter is concerned, I couldn't if I wanted to, given that she has lived 1,000 miles away from us for the past two years. Trust me when I say I am not seeking out either of them to get involved. I love them, and I want to be supportive, but I absolutely want them to get on with the business of being grown ups. 

 

In the two years since my daughter moved out and my son graduated, I've gone from working at home 10-15 hours a week to working nearly full time (which requires juggling three jobs). The job I started most recently has actual potential to develop into a second career, and I want very badly to nurture that. 

 

The challenge is that, for different reasons, they both still look to me and "need" me. My daughter has some emotional issues, and my son has only just turned 18 and is still dependent on us financially for at least the next two years until he finishes college. 

 

So, it's really not about me holding onto them, but about how I learn to balance their legitimate needs and desires for support with my own needs for everything from rest to income to the personal satisfaction and external validation of having a job I do well. Which is why I asked for suggestions for books and resources that might help me work through these questions.

Edited May 5, 2016 by Jenny in Florida

[KathyBC]

If you see a need for boundaries, maybe your daughter's texts and phone calls, unless it is a dire emergency, could be left for a specific time of day that works for you, with you mentally setting a time limit (again barring dire emergencies) for those conversations.

 

At least for your son, this should be a more short-term time crunch? End of semester performances and hooking up a summer job should be all over in the near future? Unless you can pitch one of the three jobs, I'm thinking you may not have time to read a book right now, lol. In the big picture, though, yes I bet there are books out there about making this transition and I'll be lurking to see if you find anything that works. Good luck to you! I know it's not easy.

[TechWife]

I find myself in a similar position. I have concluded that it's best for me to be just do the best I can at any given time. I'm balancing a college son with legitimate needs, volunteer work that I'm hoping to use to develop skills for a professional position, spending time with my husband when he's in town and supporting extended family in various ways as the care for our elderly parents. I don't think there are any easy answers, I just do the best I can.

Edited May 5, 2016 by TechWife

[Tsuga]

:grouphug:

 

I am not there. My boss is. She must be amazing. She gives her adult kids (professionals, independent people, smart, cool, travelers) TONS of support. She's a rock for her family and in her element when she's being there for the kids. She also has a full time job however. Like a serious, upper-management director type job at large institutions that serve tens of thousands of people. I don't know how she does it!

[Laura Corin]

It's difficult, especially when children leave home when relatively young, as your two and my Calvin did.  I try to see it from the other side too:  what do the young adults need, as opposed to what are they accustomed to?  Perhaps, as they are younger, they do need a lot of hands-on support.  Or perhaps they need us to step back.

 

FWIW, Husband is visiting Calvin at university today (because Husband is fairly nearby this week anyway); I'll be going to see him in four weeks when a play he is co-directing is performed.  Practical tasks: he wants to learn to drive this summer, so I've reminded him a couple of times to get the name of the driving instructor that his friend used; now I've stepped back.  Similarly, he needs to apply for renewed student loans by the end of June; I'll remind him after the play finishes, but then leave it to him to sort out.

 

I have, once since he went to university, pretty much forced him to do something; yes, I guilted him into it.  I considered the situation to be potentially life-threatening.

 

I work full time, still have a child at home who is taking high-stakes exams at present, and have my elderly mother living with us.  It's no bad thing for young adult children to feel that their mother has other duties in addition to motherhood.

Edited May 5, 2016 by Laura Corin

[Liz CA]

Support comes in different forms. I don't feel I need to be there at any moment since ds lives in another state. I am always available by phone / text, however, sometimes, when I am working I cannot always answer immediately. He knows all these things. A couple of weeks ago, I got a text that his best friend - someone we have all known since Junior High homeschooling years was in a serious motorcycle accident. I went into a quiet corner at work and called him. It was big enough to drop something else for 3 minutes and make the phone call.

When we chat about general things, I sometimes throw some ideas out there but he has to decide what to do. I am not taking the stress of his life decisions on me. I am assuming a "watch" and be "there when he wants to discuss something" position.

I am fully aware that this can be very different with girls / daughters due to their emotional makeup.

And yes...sometimes it's just not easy to watch. I have not put my life on hold. In fact, I am pursuing more things now than at any point since my early twenties because I feel I have the freedom to do so.

[foxbridgeacademy]

It's got to be tough, I'm not sure exactly how I will deal with it when the time comes.... I do know I'll most likely err on the side of being too helpful.  I needed support from my mom when I was 20.  I needed emotional and financial support but she wouldn't help.  She wasn't cold or indifferent but she had her own life to lead (new husband and kid).  Not having the support, I took another 3 years to get out of an abusive relationship and ended up making even more horrible life altering decisions for another several years, including dropping out of University (I owe 10's of thousands of $$) and other risky/illegal behavior.  Some people face their problems and rise above and achieve success, others fail miserably (doing much better now, but man it's a tough road).  You know your kids best and whether they'll sink or swim.  I do think you can "be there" for them but with boundaries for days/time you're available and how much emotional turmoil you can be put through daily.

[bettyandbob]

My own parents were not emotional support for me so this is new territory. I also work 3 jobs and it seems oldest is calling or texting when I'm getting ready, driving to or at work. I still have a child with a disability to care for My approach has been to get him to learn some of my work schedule.

 

Texting is not bad. I respond to texts when I have time. I've taken to saying I can talk on the phone at xxxx time. And try to be fully available when he calls at that specific time. Usually he wants me to just listen. Just listening can be exhausting for me because I've been emotionally and mentally drained for months, but I try. Even when I can't fully focus, I try to make it sound like I'm listening, through occasional questions. That sounds awful, but my other option is to not take the call at all and I don't want to do that.

[TammyS]

 

 

In theory, I don't mind any of this. I very much want to "be there" for them for as long as they need me and as long as I am able. It's important to be to be that person.

 

<SNIP>

 

These last couple of weeks, I'm just exhausted, and I'm struggling to figure out how to set appropriate, healthy boundaries that will allow me to be the mom I want to be on an ongoing basis for them while still giving me a little space to work on being me and holding onto enough of my mental, emotional and physical energy to be successful in my paid job(s).

 

 

 

I'm not sure that the things that you want are compatible, as you are experiencing.  If you don't want to live your life in an ongoing state of burnout, you are going to have to decide to give up some amount of what you've been doing.  Whether that's less trips to your son's school, less frequent emotional support phone calls from your daughter, or something else....something will have to give.  It's up to you to figure out your priorities so that you can decide what should give.  You might want to sit down and make a list of all the things that you've been doing and see what makes the most sense to cut.  I would probably include times on the list (ie are you listening to your daughter's issues for 10 mins or  2 hours?).  I would also ask myself the question (as I do on all things kid related from the time they are born): is this something that they can be handling themselves?  IMO, every unnecessary help is a hinderance.  If the kid can handle it (physically, mentally, or emotionally) then your help is not a help, it's getting in the way of them learning to carry it themselves and become grown ups.

 

But first you have to decide what is more important to you: "being there" for your kids in the way that you have been, or curing your burnout?

 

[TechWife]

I'm not sure that the things that you want are compatible, as you are experiencing.  If you don't want to live your life in an ongoing state of burnout, you are going to have to decide to give up some amount of what you've been doing.  

 

...

 

But first you have to decide what is more important to you: "being there" for your kids in the way that you have been, or curing your burnout?

 

 

Often in life, there is no choice to make. I am in the "sandwich generation." The pressure can be constant, the rewards few and far between. There is no option to give up anything. If I give up the volunteer work I am doing, I am giving up a great source of enjoyment and working towards my future. I can't, and don't want to, give up my child or my parents. 

 

People are so quick to give the advice to wean kids from parental support or to drop it all together. Honestly, you have no idea if that's possible, wise or wanted at this point. Just because a child reaches the "magic" age of adulthood doesn't mean they are ready to fly on their own, no matter how well they have been parented. 

 

"Advice" like this is not helpful. In fact, it can cause a lot of guilt and be harmful for all involved. 

 

ETA: All of my family is having a pretty bad week. By way of example, I have spent three hours working on my dad's VA benefits; about six hours talking to my siblings by phone to give them support; I made an unscheduled trip to my son's uni to bring him some medication; I've had someone in my house repairing sheetrock for the past two days, two more to go; I've put in four hours over two separate days at my volunteer job; talked with my very stressed out husband by phone (he's been traveling every week since January); and today I need to do errands (the cats do like their cat litter) and make a series of phone calls to set up my son's summer doctor's appointments and tests with his various specialists. Those are the two big things I know need to be done, we'll see what else comes my way. I will survive. 

 

Beach trip in 26 days - where I can do this in a more pleasant environment, because as the poem goes - babies don't keep (and neither do elderly parents). 

 

 

Edited May 5, 2016 by TechWife

[texasmama]

I think that the young adult years are potentially more emotionally draining than other stages.

 

Just (((hugs)))

 

I have a set schedule, but my college dd never remembers it and often calls or texts during the one hour of the entire week that I am teaching a class at co op. My elderly father is similar in his needs and phone calls. It adds up, and sometimes I do feel very drained.

 

This past Saturday I spent six hours taking my dad's friend to the ER. She is elderly and has no family in town. She was in need and my dad was constantly worried about her so I volunteered to help her. It was good I did because things were worse than she thought! But yes, the sum total of all of people's needs can get heavy.

[Jenny in Florida]

Often in life, there is no choice to make. I am in the "sandwich generation." The pressure can be constant, the rewards few and far between. There is no option to give up anything. If I give up the volunteer work I am doing, I am giving up a great source of enjoyment and working towards my future. I can't, and don't want to, give up my child or my parents. 

 

People are so quick to give the advice to wean kids from parental support or to drop it all together. Honestly, you have no idea if that's possible, wise or wanted at this point. Just because a child reaches the "magic" age of adulthood doesn't mean they are ready to fly on their own, no matter how well they have been parented. 

 

"Advice" like this is not helpful. In fact, it can cause a lot of guilt and be harmful for all involved. 

 

ETA: All of my family is having a pretty bad week. By way of example, I have spent three hours working on my dad's VA benefits; about six hours talking to my siblings by phone to give them support; I made an unscheduled trip to my son's uni to bring him some medication; I've had someone in my house repairing sheetrock for the past two days, two more to go; I've put in four hours over two separate days at my volunteer job; talked with my very stressed out husband by phone (he's been traveling every week since January); and today I need to do errands (the cats do like their cat litter) and make a series of phone calls to set up my son's summer doctor's appointments and tests with his various specialists. Those are the two big things I know need to be done, we'll see what else comes my way. I will survive. 

 

Beach trip in 26 days - where I can do this in a more pleasant environment, because as the poem goes - babies don't keep (and neither do elderly parents). 

 

 

Thank you for saying the bolded part. I'm trying to be respectful of my kids' privacy and not post details on a public forum, but I get the feeling that folks here are perceiving me as some kind of helicopter parent, rather than a person responding to specific and serious needs. 

 

(I "liked" your post in gratitude for your thoughtful response, and not because of your ETA. I'm sorry you're having a hectic and stressful week, too. I hope your beach trip allows you some time to breathe and regroup.)

[Jenny in Florida]

I would also ask myself the question (as I do on all things kid related from the time they are born): is this something that they can be handling themselves?  IMO, every unnecessary help is a hinderance.  If the kid can handle it (physically, mentally, or emotionally) then your help is not a help, it's getting in the way of them learning to carry it themselves and become grown ups.

 

 

I'm not sure why we are beginning from the presumption that I am not already doing that?

 

As I've said elsewhere, I'm trying to be respectful of my kids and not post a ton of details, but please know that I am not, in general, a parent who micromanages her offsprings' lives. (Let's remember that I'm the one who sent my 12-year-old daughter to college 800 miles from home.) I managed to raise a daughter who made herself financially independent at 19 and has been living and working on her own 1,000 miles from us for two years. 

 

You'll just have to trust me -- or not -- when I say that there are current, specific needs that I am attempting to meet here.

Edited May 5, 2016 by Jenny in Florida

[SparklyUnicorn]

I have no advice.  I'm not looking forward to this part in my life.  Just cuz for one thing I hate change. 

 

Only thing that I can think of is maybe not go there as often if you can.  That does sound pretty grueling.  Then again, I guess that is not going to last forever either.

 

 

 

[Jenny in Florida]

I also work 3 jobs and it seems oldest is calling or texting when I'm getting ready, driving to or at work. 

 

I suspect that may be part of the issue, too: When we are juggling multiple jobs like this, it sometimes feels like one is always working, getting ready to work or driving to/from work. It seems from the outside like I have all of this flexibility, but with the many transitions, I never have significantly-sized chunks of time to devote to myself or to anyone else.

[TammyS]

Often in life, there is no choice to make. I am in the "sandwich generation." The pressure can be constant, the rewards few and far between. There is no option to give up anything. If I give up the volunteer work I am doing, I am giving up a great source of enjoyment and working towards my future. I can't, and don't want to, give up my child or my parents. 

 

People are so quick to give the advice to wean kids from parental support or to drop it all together. Honestly, you have no idea if that's possible, wise or wanted at this point. Just because a child reaches the "magic" age of adulthood doesn't mean they are ready to fly on their own, no matter how well they have been parented. 

 

"Advice" like this is not helpful. In fact, it can cause a lot of guilt and be harmful for all involved. 

 

ETA: All of my family is having a pretty bad week. By way of example, I have spent three hours working on my dad's VA benefits; about six hours talking to my siblings by phone to give them support; I made an unscheduled trip to my son's uni to bring him some medication; I've had someone in my house repairing sheetrock for the past two days, two more to go; I've put in four hours over two separate days at my volunteer job; talked with my very stressed out husband by phone (he's been traveling every week since January); and today I need to do errands (the cats do like their cat litter) and make a series of phone calls to set up my son's summer doctor's appointments and tests with his various specialists. Those are the two big things I know need to be done, we'll see what else comes my way. I will survive. 

 

Beach trip in 26 days - where I can do this in a more pleasant environment, because as the poem goes - babies don't keep (and neither do elderly parents). 

 

You know, if you go back and read what I wrote, I think you will see that I don't disagree with you.  I have no idea what or where things should be given up.  Or if they can be.  But I do know that if you keep doing what you are doing you will keep getting what you are getting.

 

I also don't subscribe to the idea that it's "all or nothing" with making changes.  I never suggested that she should drop supporting her kids or anything else.  I said she should think over what she's been doing and see where she can make cuts if she wants to have less stress.

 

[TammyS]

I'm not sure why we are beginning from the presumption that I am not already doing that?

 

As I've said elsewhere, I'm trying to be respectful of my kids and not post a ton of details, but please know that I am not, in general, a parent who micromanages her offsprings' lives. (Let's remember that I'm the one who sent my 12-year-old daughter to college 800 miles from home.) I managed to raise a daughter who made herself financially independent at 19 and has been living and working on her own 1,000 miles from us for two years. 

 

You'll just have to trust me -- or not -- when I say that there are current, specific needs that I am attempting to meet here.

 

I'm not sure that you aren't doing that.  I don't believe that you are a helicopter parent. 

 

I do know that if you keep doing what you are doing you will keep getting what you are getting.  One way to reduce doing is to ask yourself if you are doing things for your kids that you don't have to.  That does not include the presumption that you are, it includes the presumption that you might be, and one way to figure that out is to ask yourself the question.

 

I believe everything you've said.  I just don't believe that you can do less and not do less at the same time.

[katilac]

I know we will struggle with this. dh and I both feel that a bit more emotional support and guidance in our early adult lives would have been a good thing, and we want to offer that in a positive way. 

 

I do think that the balancing is almost bound to be hard, simply because of timing - many of us will be launching new jobs and dealing with aging parents at the same time that our kids hit young adulthood. 

 

This thread had me hopping over to Amazon, and it looks like there are a variety of books, but I haven't had time to check them out yet. 

[Acadie]

I'm not at that phase yet because my kids are 10 and 13, but dd13 is in school for the first time this year and doing well. So I'm beginning to revive my career, home schooling dd10 and playing catch up with significant home and financial projects that were on the back burner way too long. I also feel like I'm going in a zillion directions and I'm hungry for space and time to figure out my own life. 

 

I don't have book suggestions, but something that is helping me is really fine tuning my calendar/daily to do list and doing writing exercises on my life goals and desires. I have a line for body and for soul on my to do list, and I'm much more likely now to make sure I get out for a run, do yoga, pray or do guided meditation with those slots on my list every day. It is helping me address both burnout and needing space to work out my own life in the midst of many conflicting responsibilities. I'm trying to make sure the rest of my to do list is in sync with my larger life goals--and, like you, maintaining good relationships with my children is high on my list. 

 

In your post, what jumps out at me is that it sounds like you really value the work and potential opportunity in one of your three jobs in particular. Is it at all possible to cut hours, or even quit one of the other jobs, so you can devote more energy toward the position you value most? I know that the financial piece is important, but I'm not sure if you have any wiggle room that would allow you to invest more in that job. I love having project pages for something like this, where you can really explore creative options for investing in it and seeing where it leads. It's possible that taking a short term financial hit by letting go one of the other jobs could set you up for higher earning in the future.

 

Without knowing specifics, I can't really picture what sort of boundaries would work with your children, but is it the time it takes? The emotional and creative energy? Is it a matter of placing specific boundaries when or for how long you make yourself available for talking/texting/support/visits (barring emergencies, of course) each week? Or is there a spiritual practice that could help you contain the worry and emotional investment so you focus on it for a certain period of time every day, and actively practice letting go at other times?

 

Amy

 

 

[TechWife]

 But I do know that if you keep doing what you are doing you will keep getting what you are getting.

 

 

 

No kidding. The fact is that what I am "doing" is hard, very hard. The only choice I have is about my volunteer job, however, that is my respite time. Giving it up would likely cause my stress level to go up. My point is that I'm in life for the long haul. The long haul is made up of a series of temporary situations, some more temporary than others. Many of the temporary situations aren't pleasant. That's life. We struggle through when we have to, enjoy it when we can. Stating the obvious, although impossible, suggestion that we change things is not helpful, neither is pointing out that if we don't change things, they stay the same. Even after learning a very little bit about how my life is going right now, you still offer observations that are in no way helpful. Sometimes it is best to be quiet. 

[AK_Mom4]

Resources? Wine? Dark chocolate?

 

I'm there at this stage of my life - 14yo still at home, but the other three are either out on their own or in college.

 

What works for us:

I text my two oldest every Sunday morning. A little bit about what is going on here, a couple of How Are You questions. Usually nothing big, but they know I'm going to text at that time, so they tend to save up things to tell me until that morning. When DS20 was away at school, I did the same thing. He's living at home this year, so we usually meet up at lunch in the kitchen, LOL.

 

They know I generally start work (I work from home) about 6:30am. So if they need something, they shoot me a text or a call between 5:30 and 6:30. With timezone differences, it works out just right.

 

I applaud their accomplishments, sympathize with frustrations and Bite My Tongue unless they ask me for advice. I have lots of teeth marks, but it has done wonders for our relationship. They know they can ask for help if they need it (I am world class on Google!), but that I have confidence in them.

 

Hope this is helpful for you!

[HSmomof2]

I'm not at this stage yet, my dc are just becoming teens. From reading your post, I don't see you as a helicopter parent at all. It sounds like the juggling three jobs may be more the source of exhaustion than your dc. Would it be possible to drop one of the jobs, or at least have a plan to phase two of them out to only have to focus on the one you're looking at as a career?

[Anne]

((Jenny))

 

((TechWife))

 

I think all you can do in these circumstances is to just keep on. Keep your eyes peeled for small encouragements (ten minutes outside with a cup of tea?) and continue to do what you're doing - which is all you can do.

 

Anne