Speaking of Respect: What about Kids and Adults

[Guest]

I was always taught growing up to address an adult as Mrs. Smith or Mr. Jones. Now that my son is getting old enough to address people and for me to refer to them, I am at a quandary of how to handle this. I always assumed I would have my children refer to adults as Mrs. or Mr., but none of my friends have their kids do this. It also just feels really weird to me to refer to my friends as Mrs. White or Mrs. Green. I don't have a problem when referring to someone older than myself, but there's a large group of us in our 20's that just feels funny.

 

What do you all do? If you have your kids refer to adults as Mr. or Mrs. was it awkward at first? Is doing that a minority these days? What about the people that insist that they hate being called Mr. or Mrs.?

 

Lots of questions - just looking for your thoughts.....

[nmoira]

We essentially teach them to do what we ourselves do. No adults in our social circle wish to be addressed formally, preferring to their first names. We address professionals as Mr. or Ms (or a professional title like Dr. when applicable) unless invited to do otherwise. The gray area is the occasional friend's grandmother or grandfather; I err on the side of caution and choose a formal introduction.

[sdWTMer]

I let the adult decide. If they wish not to be called by Mr. and Mrs. it will be hard, but I'd have my kiddos respect their wishes.

[Guest janainaz]

I just expect my kids to be respectful. I don't introduce people by Mr. or Mrs. However, if we were around someone older (much older) that I (or my kids) did not have a close relationship with, I would have my kids use Mr. or Mrs. - I would think that the older generation might find it disprespectful not to.

[WagsWife]

I was always taught growing up to address an adult as Mrs. Smith or Mr. Jones. Now that my son is getting old enough to address people and for me to refer to them, I am at a quandary of how to handle this. I always assumed I would have my children refer to adults as Mrs. or Mr., but none of my friends have their kids do this. It also just feels really weird to me to refer to my friends as Mrs. White or Mrs. Green. I don't have a problem when referring to someone older than myself, but there's a large group of us in our 20's that just feels funny.

 

What do you all do? If you have your kids refer to adults as Mr. or Mrs. was it awkward at first? Is doing that a minority these days? What about the people that insist that they hate being called Mr. or Mrs.?

 

Lots of questions - just looking for your thoughts.....

 

We have our children refer to our adult friends as "Mrs. Sue"/"Mr. Rich." If we do not know the adult well, we have the girls use their last names...or if the adult is someone like our Pastor's wife, or their Sunday School teacher.

 

As for the people who say not to call them Mr/Mrs or Sir/Ma'am (we say yes Sir/Ma'am as well) my kids just know that *not saying Mr, Mrs, Sir, or Ma'am is *not an option.

[Zelda]

My kids address all adults by Mr., Mrs., Ms. If the adult wants to be addressed by their first name then they are Mr. Bob and Mrs. Ann. They are the ONLY children in our area that do this.

[curtisandsheri]

When we lived in Illinois, our children referred to adult friends by first name. Now that we live in GA, however, we've adopted our new friends' method of using the Mr. or Ms. title with the person's first name. It's a good compromise. For friends who insist that their children address me more formally, I have my children do the same for them.

[Amy loves Bud]

This is a pet peeve of mine. The purpose of manners and respect is to make the *other* person feel more comfortable. So I have my children call other adults what those other adults wish to be called. If it's Mrs. Last Name fine. If it's Miss First Name (which is most common around here), fine. If it's First Name, fine.

 

I personally do not like to be called Mrs. Last Name and it really irks me when someone says that their child must call me that. How is it showing respect to call someone something they do not wish to be called?

 

More important to me than the title is the tone and attitude that they use when they address other people.

[MeanestMomInMidwest]

As others have posted, we also use the nice, polite, Southern "Mr/Mrs/Miss FirstName" even though we're not Southern. When new neighbors moved in, they did not do this, but guess what? They do now! Not because I asked them to, just because our kids did it so much around their kids that it kinda' caught on.

To this day, I would never dream of calling someone older by their first name, unless given explicit instruction. I even call my patients Mr/Mrs and if an elderly patient insists on first name, I just have to add the Mr/Mrs in front of it.

[RoughCollie]

My kids address adults by their proper titles when they meet them.

 

Later, if the adult requests that s/he be addressed by his/her first name, I allow that out of respect for the adult's wishes. Usually, they don't request this unless they are close friends of ours.

 

Kids call me Mrs. X, and unless they are the children of close friends, I prefer this. It isn't unusual in our area.

 

RC

[PariSarah]

. . . southern boy he is. :D If another title applies (Pastor, Dr., etc.), he uses that. (Pastor Sue; Dr. Dan, whatever.)

 

Any adult who is not a close friend, he addresses by title and last name.

 

None of our close friends are offended by "Mrs. First Name." I've told ds if someone invites him to use his/her first name, he can switch from last names to Mr/Mrs First Name, but that he can't drop the Mr./Mrs. until he is an adult.

 

Some of my neighbors are or have been routinely subjected to discourtesy, which is one of the reasons I'm a little more insistent than I might be otherwise.

 

I've once or twice had an acquaintance who insisted that he drop the Mr/Mrs. I'm not opposed to the idea, but the only people who've insisted have been, themselves, so rude about it that I forcibly redirected the conversation and privately instructed ds simply not to address them at all. I didn't pursue the acquaintance enough for it to come up again.

[Sebastian (a lady)]

This is a pet peeve of mine. The purpose of manners and respect is to make the *other* person feel more comfortable. So I have my children call other adults what those other adults wish to be called. If it's Mrs. Last Name fine. If it's Miss First Name (which is most common around here), fine. If it's First Name, fine.

 

I personally do not like to be called Mrs. Last Name and it really irks me when someone says that their child must call me that. How is it showing respect to call someone something they do not wish to be called?

 

More important to me than the title is the tone and attitude that they use when they address other people.

 

It is fairly easy to drop the last name or go with honorific + first name. But how would you handle it if you did want to be called Mrs. Last Name but children started off with your first name instead.

 

Any gentle way of changing this to a more formal footing without causing ill feelings with the child and/or their parents.

 

For example, I would really prefer that the 6-10 yo scouts in my cub scout pack not call me by my first name but as Mrs. Den Leader. I would be ok with Miss Sebastian or Mrs. Sebastian. But, "Hey, Sebastian" makes raises my hackles.

[Desert Rat]

This is what we do. For elderly folk though (think my grandparents' age) I try to get my boys to address them formally. I really think it's an age thing in our neck of the woods. Most people that are my age prefer NOT to be called by their last names. Maybe it's too much of a reminder that they're getting old?! LOL

[Barb_]

I let the adult decide. If they wish not to be called by Mr. and Mrs. it will be hard, but I'd have my kiddos respect their wishes.

 

 

That's what I was going to say. I always ask the adult. Some want Ms. Lastname, some want Ms. Firstname, and some are appalled at anything but their given names. Personally? I prefer Ms. Barb for the early childhood set, and Mrs. Mylastname for the schoolage kids. But I wasn't comfortable with Mrs. Mylastname until I had high school aged kids myself.

 

Barb

[Zelda]

This is a pet peeve of mine. The purpose of manners and respect is to make the *other* person feel more comfortable. So I have my children call other adults what those other adults wish to be called. If it's Mrs. Last Name fine. If it's Miss First Name (which is most common around here), fine. If it's First Name, fine.

 

I personally do not like to be called Mrs. Last Name and it really irks me when someone says that their child must call me that. How is it showing respect to call someone something they do not wish to be called?

 

More important to me than the title is the tone and attitude that they use when they address other people.

 

Well, I really hate being called by my first name by children but I do not interfere with how my friends choose to raise their children. I do not even mention it. When they ask me which I prefer, I say that they should do what makes them comfortable. In part because I think asking is disingenuous. They know what I have my children do so they know how I feel about it.

 

This is a situation where I think parents should defer to other parents regardless of personal preference. It is a small concession to help out a fellow parent. Between adults its a totally different thing.

 

I haven't been faced with this situation yet and I'm not sure what I would do. If it got down to it, I might just avoid the person insisting on being called by their first name altogether if I could. I feel like having my kids say, "Mrs. First Name", is my move toward compromise (b/c I don't really care for that even) and they should make a move toward compromise as well. If someone refuses to compromise on such a small thing I don't hold out much hope for long term happiness with that relationship anyway.

[Zelda]

It is fairly easy to drop the last name or go with honorific + first name. But how would you handle it if you did want to be called Mrs. Last Name but children started off with your first name instead.

 

Any gentle way of changing this to a more formal footing without causing ill feelings with the child and/or their parents.

 

For example, I would really prefer that the 6-10 yo scouts in my cub scout pack not call me by my first name but as Mrs. Den Leader. I would be ok with Miss Sebastian or Mrs. Sebastian. But, "Hey, Sebastian" makes raises my hackles.

 

Oh, this can get sticky. Way back when my first was a wee baby I had this discussion with another new mom. I said I really did not like kids addressing me by my first name. I got an email from her a few weeks later saying that she had tried to refer to as Mrs. "Fitzgerald" but just couldn't bring herself to do it because it made her so very uncomfortable. It didn't end well and that was that friendship. And think about it, our kids couldn't even speak yet!! :lol:

 

Anyway, that's the other reason I never state my preference anymore. I'm done with that.

[Kate CA]

This is a pet peeve of mine. The purpose of manners and respect is to make the *other* person feel more comfortable. So I have my children call other adults what those other adults wish to be called. If it's Mrs. Last Name fine. If it's Miss First Name (which is most common around here), fine. If it's First Name, fine.

 

I personally do not like to be called Mrs. Last Name and it really irks me when someone says that their child must call me that. How is it showing respect to call someone something they do not wish to be called?

 

More important to me than the title is the tone and attitude that they use when they address other people.

 

Why don't you like being called Mrs. ___? My children don't call adults by their first names for several reasons. First, they are children and are not usually close to those adults - or at least not close enough for that kind of familiarity. Usually first name to first name is reserved for peer relationships or to those with whom we are very familiar/close. We do have several of those kinds of relationships with adult and children in our lives and they are Auntie __ and Uncle ___ or Mr. and Mrs.. There is no disrespect in the use of someone's last name. I don't understand why that would be considered disrespectful - it is their name.

 

Second, it very much is an honor/respect issue. Dictionary.com defines respect in this way:

 

 

3. esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability: I have great respect for her judgment.

4. deference to a right, privilege, privileged position, or someone or something considered to have certain rights or privileges; proper acceptance or courtesy; acknowledgment: respect for a suspect's right to counsel; to show respect for the flag; respect for the elderly.

 

 

How are these things viewed as negatives? I don't understand that at all. It is an honor to me that other children call me Mrs. Last Name. Only very close children call me Auntie Kate because they are very close to me and I to them. It makes it special. I have not met many folks who take offense in my children desiring to honor them. If anything they view it as refreshing.

[WagsWife]

Well, I really hate being called by my first name by children but I do not interfere with how my friends choose to raise their children. I do not even mention it. When they ask me which I prefer, I say that they should do what makes them comfortable. In part because I think asking is disingenuous. They know what I have my children do so they know how I feel about it.

 

This is a situation where I think parents should defer to other parents regardless of personal preference. It is a small concession to help out a fellow parent. Between adults its a totally different thing.

 

I haven't been faced with this situation yet and I'm not sure what I would do. If it got down to it, I might just avoid the person insisting on being called by their first name altogether if I could. I feel like having my kids say, "Mrs. First Name", is my move toward compromise (b/c I don't really care for that even) and they should make a move toward compromise as well. If someone refuses to compromise on such a small thing I don't hold out much hope for long term happiness with that relationship anyway.

 

I totally agree...this is how I feel.

[Amy loves Bud]

It is fairly easy to drop the last name or go with honorific + first name. But how would you handle it if you did want to be called Mrs. Last Name but children started off with your first name instead.

 

Any gentle way of changing this to a more formal footing without causing ill feelings with the child and/or their parents.

 

For example, I would really prefer that the 6-10 yo scouts in my cub scout pack not call me by my first name but as Mrs. Den Leader. I would be ok with Miss Sebastian or Mrs. Sebastian. But, "Hey, Sebastian" makes raises my hackles.

 

There are a few kids who insist on calling me Amy. Every single time, I gently say "Miss Amy." I'm pretty matter of fact about the whole thing.

[Kate CA]

It is fairly easy to drop the last name or go with honorific + first name. But how would you handle it if you did want to be called Mrs. Last Name but children started off with your first name instead.

 

Any gentle way of changing this to a more formal footing without causing ill feelings with the child and/or their parents.

 

For example, I would really prefer that the 6-10 yo scouts in my cub scout pack not call me by my first name but as Mrs. Den Leader. I would be ok with Miss Sebastian or Mrs. Sebastian. But, "Hey, Sebastian" makes raises my hackles.

 

I don't think it is inappropriate for you to just say to the children when they call you Sebastian, "I would prefer that you call me Mrs. _________." I would say it in a really sweet tone very friendly. I would gently remind them if it became an issue. I would not correct the parents, as I would expect the parents to call me by my first name. If the child questions I would simply say, "Oh yes, your mother calls me by my first name because we are both adults." with a big smile. :+) It is not inappropriate to correct a child in your authority.

[Mrs Mungo]

We use Mr/Miss and the adult's first name. I think this is probably more common in the military community than elsewhere though.

 

If I preferred Mrs Lastname then I would just remind the kids by saying "I prefer children call me Mrs. Lastname."

[Crissy]

We taught our boys to refer to adults as Mr. or Mrs. Last Name unless the person specifically asked them to use a different name.

 

My neighbor, for example, wants my boys to call her by her first name, but it wasn't until she requested it that they were allowed to do so.

[Amy loves Bud]

4. deference to a right, privilege, privileged position, or someone or something considered to have certain rights or privileges;

 

 

So in order to show deference to my "privileged position" children must call me a name I don't want to be called? Sorry, but I find it disrespectful when a child calls me Mrs. Last Name, I ask them to please call me Miss Amy, but they continue to call me Mrs. Last Name. It's like saying, "I don't care what you want to be called, I'll call you what I want to call you so I can show how respectful I am." And itt really shouldn't matter why I choose to be called what I do, a person should be able to choose what they prefer to be called in life.

 

Let me also say that when I introduce my children to a new adult, I always introduce the adult as Mr. or Mrs. Last Name. I err on the conservative side and let the adult suggest a less formal name if that is what they prefer. And then I have my children respect that.

 

:rant:

 

I said it was a pet peeve. :D

[Mommy22alyns]

We live in the South, so it's pretty simple - the Mr./Miss/Mrs and first name.

[Amy loves Bud]

We taught our boys to refer to adults as Mr. or Mrs. Last Name unless the person specifically asked them to use a different name.

 

My neighbor, for example, wants my boys to call her by her first name, but it wasn't until she requested it that they were allowed to do so.

 

Yes, I mentioned this in my response to Kate below. I have my children do the exact same thing. I'd rather err on the conservative side.

[Kate CA]

So in order to show deference to my "privileged position" children must call me a name I don't want to be called? Sorry, but I find it disrespectful when a child calls me Mrs. Last Name, I ask them to please call me Miss Amy, but they continue to call me Mrs. Last Name. It's like saying, "I don't care what you want to be called, I'll call you what I want to call you so I can show how respectful I am." And itt really shouldn't matter why I choose to be called what I do, a person should be able to choose what they prefer to be called in life.

 

Let me also say that when I introduce my children to a new adult, I always introduce the adult as Mr. or Mrs. Last Name. I err on the conservative side and let the adult suggest a less formal name if that is what they prefer. And then I have my children respect that.

 

:rant:

 

I said it was a pet peeve. :D

 

LOL - I get it. I don't understand why you don't like being called by your last name, but that is totally your prerogative, of course. If someone I knew felt that strongly about it I would (and have) allowed my children to call an adult what they wished, but they didn't understand why an adult wouldn't want their own name used. I guess I am just glad all the adults in our lives like it! LOL

[Zelda]

So in order to show deference to my "privileged position" children must call me a name I don't want to be called? Sorry, but I find it disrespectful when a child calls me Mrs. Last Name, I ask them to please call me Miss Amy, but they continue to call me Mrs. Last Name. It's like saying, "I don't care what you want to be called, I'll call you what I want to call you so I can show how respectful I am." And itt really shouldn't matter why I choose to be called what I do, a person should be able to choose what they prefer to be called in life.

 

Let me also say that when I introduce my children to a new adult, I always introduce the adult as Mr. or Mrs. Last Name. I err on the conservative side and let the adult suggest a less formal name if that is what they prefer. And then I have my children respect that.

 

Okay, even if we agreed that it is disrespectful to call someone something they don't want to be called, this isn't a concession you could make in order to support what another parent wanted for their children? Especially given that it is in no way harmful to anyone involved and would require no effort on your part?

 

Now that I'm thinking about it more I'm wondering if making a concession to a person demanding to be referred to by their first name isn't teaching my children to compromise their values for another person's "wants". I'll have to think on that.

[Amy loves Bud]

Okay, even if we agreed that it is disrespectful to call someone something they don't want to be called, this isn't a concession you could make in order to support what another parent wanted for their children? Especially given that it is in no way harmful to anyone involved and would require no effort on your part?

 

Now that I'm thinking about it more I'm wondering if making a concession to a person demanding to be referred to by their first name isn't teaching my children to compromise their values for another person's "wants". I'll have to think on that.

 

Well, it is a concession I make All. The. Time. Our local homeschool community pretty much does the Mrs. Last Name thing, even though the local custom is more Miss First Name. I've tried to assert my preference but it generally falls on deaf ears. If I mention it once and it is ignored, I don't mention it again unless it is someone I'll be around a lot.

 

I'll be cringing all year, as a matter of fact, as I teach science coop.

 

Again, I don't feel it's compromise. I feel like you would be teaching your children that the point of manners is to make the other person feel more comfortable. Which is why I start with the more formal Mrs. Last Name when I introduce my kids and then adjust if the person requests it. It's easier and less awkward to go to a less formal form of address than to a more formal one.

 

Boy, I am bossy today!

[melissel]

We live in the South, so it's pretty simple - the Mr./Miss/Mrs and first name.

 

We default to Ms./Mr. Firstname. I had no idea it was a Southern thing! I avoid Mrs. because I'm not a Mrs.; I kept my maiden name, and that's common enough around here that I err on the Ms. side. If an adult requests more or less formality, we comply gladly.

[melissel]

In part because I think asking is disingenuous. They know what I have my children do so they know how I feel about it.

 

I don't think is necessarily true. I teach my kids to be more formal with others, but personally, I prefer to be called by my first name. You wouldn't know how I feel about it from what I teach my kids!

[Zelda]

Again, I don't feel it's compromise. I feel like you would be teaching your children that the point of manners is to make the other person feel more comfortable. Which is why I start with the more formal Mrs. Last Name when I introduce my kids and then adjust if the person requests it. It's easier and less awkward to go to a less formal form of address than to a more formal one.

 

I guess I just don't agree on the point of manners. I also think that the adult/unrelated child relationships has its own set of rules. Between adults, we should defer to one another's preferred address. But in the adult/unrelated child relationship where different preferences of address exist then the two should defer to the more formal preference. I mean its right here in my book, "Codified Parental Laws and By-Laws 2008 Edition"! :D

 

I get "Hey 'Zelda'!" all the time. Like you, I just have to stifle my, "Oh no you didn't!"

[hornblower]

I hate being called Mrs. Lastname. I kind of leap back, all aghast when someone does it.

 

Ms. Lastname, however, I tolerate from fawning salespeople. Servants, if I had them, would call me Ms. Lastname as well.

 

I much prefer everyone to call me by my first name, regardless of their age/status. Or, if they're uncomfortable with it, Benevolent Dictator, or Ms. Benevelent Dictator.

 

I live in a pretty casual place. My neighbours are in their 80's and they introduced themselves to all of us - including our kids - by their first names.

 

Otoh, my friend's kid is in a martial arts class where the instructor is called Mr. Something or other & all the parents call him that too. I just about fell over laughing when I was in the building one time & heard women in their 40's addressing this dude.... he'd have to threaten me with one of his ceremonial swords before I'd call a young pimply git twenty years my junior Mr. anything......

 

The one thing we do is shake hands. I always shake hands when meeting people & my kids are pretty good at doing that too - really properly introducing themselves. "Hello, nice to meet you. My name is Amelia." Shake hands, look'em straight in the eye & smile.

[Amy loves Bud]

I guess I just don't agree on the point of manners. I also think that the adult/unrelated child relationships has its own set of rules. Between adults, we should defer to one another's preferred address. But in the adult/unrelated child relationship where different preferences of address exist then the two should defer to the more formal preference. I mean its right here in my book, "Codified Parental Laws and By-Laws 2008 Edition"! :D

 

I get "Hey 'Zelda'!" all the time. Like you, I just have to stifle my, "Oh no you didn't!"

 

You don't agree with me? GASP! How can it be!

 

Jonathan Swift did:

GOOD manners is the art of making those people easy with whom we converse. 1

Whoever makes the fewest persons uneasy is the best bred in the company.

 

If my children ever meet you, I promise they will call you Mrs. Last Name, even though Miss Zelda has a lovely southern ring to it!

 

And seriously, I need to borrow that book of yours. I didn't know about the code. You guys have been holding out on me.

[Zelda]

You don't agree with me? GASP! How can it be!

 

Jonathan Swift did:

GOOD manners is the art of making those people easy with whom we converse. 1

Whoever makes the fewest persons uneasy is the best bred in the company.

 

If my children ever meet you, I promise they will call you Mrs. Last Name, even though Miss Zelda has a lovely southern ring to it!

 

And seriously, I need to borrow that book of yours. I didn't know about the code. You guys have been holding out on me.

 

Are you sure he didn't mean, "Being popular is the art..."?

 

Actually, I would be SO FINE with Miss Zelda. But, no. Not where I live. Just "Hey, Zelda". I'm also fine with my kids saying, "Miss Amy". Its the first name only thing that chafes.

 

I often wish there was a book. A really heavy one that was easy to throw and made that satifsying THUD when it made contact but didn't actually cause (much) injury.

[whitestavern]

I didn't check the locales on any of the previous posters but coming from the Northeast, I was floored by the fact the majority do not have their kids use Mrs. Last Name! My group of friends all do the Mr./Mrs. To me it not only signifies respect for the adult, but it shows the child they are not on the same par with those adults. Out of my large group of friends, I had only one that told my children to call them by their first name. It rankled me a bit because I felt she was undermining my authority (truly, I'm pretty laid back and easygoing!). I don't understand the making them comfortable bit...I mean if my kids went to someone's house and they all ate with their hands, chewed with their mouths open and burped aloud, I would expect them to still use good manners, even if it made the family uncomfortable. The one exception we do have is age old dear friends that we see fairly often. The adults are Aunt First Name and Uncle First Name because Mr & Mrs just seems too formal for this specific relationship.

[Lolly]

Guess I'm kind of lucky, in our area Mr. and Mrs. is still the norm for kids to use. We always start with it. If the person then expresses a desire for the first name to be used, we switch to it instead.

[pianoplayer]

I was always taught growing up to address an adult as Mrs. Smith or Mr. Jones. Now that my son is getting old enough to address people and for me to refer to them, I am at a quandary of how to handle this. I always assumed I would have my children refer to adults as Mrs. or Mr., but none of my friends have their kids do this. It also just feels really weird to me to refer to my friends as Mrs. White or Mrs. Green. I don't have a problem when referring to someone older than myself, but there's a large group of us in our 20's that just feels funny.

 

What do you all do? If you have your kids refer to adults as Mr. or Mrs. was it awkward at first? Is doing that a minority these days? What about the people that insist that they hate being called Mr. or Mrs.?

 

Lots of questions - just looking for your thoughts.....

Our children are required to refer to adults as "Mr./Dr. and Mrs. X." I can't control what other children do, and I don't lose any sleep worrying about whether we are viewed as strange. (Hey, our Latin study and reading habits categorize us as strange anyway, right?:D) I do try, when referencing adults to my children, to speak of them in the way I expect my children to address them.

 

On the few occasions when adults remonstrate over being addressed formally by our children, we explain to them that our children are doing this to show respect and honor. I have yet to have any adult argue further!:)

[HRAAB]

When someone calls me Mrs. R..., I look around for my mil. I've never adapted to my married name, even after 23 yrs. :) For my children, I have taught them to address adults by Mr. and Mrs. Usually, if they are close family friends, they ask the children to call them by their first name. Usually, my younger children call adults Mr. and Mrs. My older two daughters, one who lives away from home, call my adult friends by their first names as long as it's acceptable to the other person.

 

As for me, if you call Mrs..., you might not get a quick response.

 

Janet

[Mom to Aly]

When the person is about my age, and I know them well, I usually introduce them by first name, and that is what my daughter calls them.

[Ellie]

I introduce people to my dc as Mr. or Mrs. or Miss. When I'm talking about them to my dc, I use the same.

 

When people say, "Oh, no, please call my Daisy," I say, "You know, I think that Mr. and Mrs. are more respectful, so that's how I'm teaching my dc. Please humor me." :-)

[bkpan]

You don't agree with me? GASP! How can it be!

 

Jonathan Swift did:

GOOD manners is the art of making those people easy with whom we converse. 1

Whoever makes the fewest persons uneasy is the best bred in the company.

 

If my children ever meet you, I promise they will call you Mrs. Last Name, even though Miss Zelda has a lovely southern ring to it!

 

And seriously, I need to borrow that book of yours. I didn't know about the code. You guys have been holding out on me.

 

:iagree::iagree: I have to totally agree with Amy. While I truly don't care what other folks have their dc call me - Kim, Mrs. Kim, Mrs. last name...., I don't understand the insistence on addressing people in a form they do not want.

 

I was also led to believe that the main principle in manners was putting the "other" before yourself. It is to treat others with courtesy and respect, in a gracious way, which is to convey your "value" of the other person. How in the world do you do that when you elevate a "rule" over the actual person? When you insist on following the rule despite a request to the contrary?

 

Not trying to be argumentative, just genuinely :confused: over the seeming inconsistency to me??

 

Kim

[Zelda]

:iagree::iagree: I have to totally agree with Amy. While I truly don't care what other folks have their dc call me - Kim, Mrs. Kim, Mrs. last name...., I don't understand the insistence on addressing people in a form they do not want.

 

I was also led to believe that the main principle in manners was putting the "other" before yourself. It is to treat others with courtesy and respect, in a gracious way, which is to convey your "value" of the other person. How in the world do you do that when you elevate a "rule" over the actual person? When you insist on following the rule despite a request to the contrary?

 

Not trying to be argumentative, just genuinely :confused: over the seeming inconsistency to me??

 

Kim

 

Well, if it made someone else more comfortable for me to have a drink with them even though I was against drinking should I do what makes them comfortable even though it compromised my values? There was a time when there was social pressure to drink to "be polite". And if you think that's extending the example too far then I would ask how far is far enough? Who makes that determination?

 

Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "Good manners are made up of petty sacrifices." In this exchange, one person would either sacrifice something they hold to be of great value while the other would be sacrificing a preference.

 

I'm not suggesting that we teach our children to call people something they don't want to be called. I'm suggesting that *ideally* people who prefer to be called by their first name should consider quietly sacrificing their preference in deference to parents to whom an honorific is important. The child wouldn't be involved in the barter at all.

 

Edited to add: I value highly the occasional drink and was only using that as an example.

[Kay in Cal]

I always call people by thier first names, and prefer to be called by my first name. When I introduce myself, I say "Hi, I'm Kay!", or in a formal situation, "I'm Kay [Lastname]". I don't ever say "Mrs. [Lastname]!" or "Rev. [Lastname]." I guess if someone demanded I use thier last name, I would, but it's never happened to me.

 

I think that in large part this is a regional difference. I have noticed that here in So Cal if they ask for your name for a table at a restaurant or for customer service they want your first name, on the East coast people give last names. There are lots of little old ladies at my church... old fashioned old ladies. They all use first names. It's simply the norm. I've never had a child (other than my own) call me anything but Kay outside of church. I can tell that a tech support person is not from around here if they start (mis)pronouncing my last name. My last name is NOT intuitive to pronounce.

 

Which is to say... I use first names. I prefer others to use my first name. I don't feel that makes me or my children disrespectful of others. In college I worked at the Pentagon every summer as an intern. My boss was a naval commander named Hank Garza. Great guy, great boss. He went by Hank, and the use of his first name was unusual there. He didn't use his rank or last name in conversation. I once asked him about it. He looked me in the eye and said, "If I need to use my rank or title to remind others that I have authority, I guess I don't really have much authority, do I?" I never forgot that.

[Kate CA]

I always call people by thier first names, and prefer to be called by my first name. When I introduce myself, I say "Hi, I'm Kay!", or in a formal situation, "I'm Kay [Lastname]". I don't ever say "Mrs. [Lastname]!" or "Rev. [Lastname]." I guess if someone demanded I use thier last name, I would, but it's never happened to me.

 

We were not talking adult to adult. I always introduce myself to adults with my first and often my last name. I don't expect adults to address me as a Mrs. :+)

 

I think children should address adults as Mr. and Mrs. That is just my own personal opinion. Children are not my peers. If they are very close to me I am Auntie Kate - it is a name of affection and love. It means they are like family to me.

 

Which is to say... I use first names. I prefer others to use my first name. I don't feel that makes me or my children disrespectful of others. In college I worked at the Pentagon every summer as an intern. My boss was a naval commander named Hank Garza. Great guy, great boss. He went by Hank, and the use of his first name was unusual there. He didn't use his rank or last name in conversation. I once asked him about it. He looked me in the eye and said, "If I need to use my rank or title to remind others that I have authority, I guess I don't really have much authority, do I?" I never forgot that.

 

I don't think this is the same thing at all as you are discussing adults to adults. That was not what those of us above (who were in favor of children addressing adults with last names) were talking about. These are really very different things.

[Kay in Cal]

I don't think this is the same thing at all as you are discussing adults to adults. That was not what those of us above (who were in favor of children addressing adults with last names) were talking about. These are really very different things.

 

I think it is the same thing. I totally agree that children are not my peers--I simply don't see the need to be called Mrs. to remind me of that fact, or to remind them. I can project plenty of authority being just plain old Kay. I think my kids can learn to be respectful to Jim and Josh and Laurie.

 

Now, I would call people whatever they wanted (as I said), but I just don't agree with the authority/respect issue that people have tied up with name use. There may be lots of reasons that people prefer to use last names, or use titles like Mr./Mrs. Last names sound better, or that titles are cool, or it may be traditional in your family, or you may dislike your own first name. I really couldn't argue with those reasons--Zelda's "I prefer to be called my last name" can't really be argued. She prefers it. Who am I do argue about her preference? But I think that to say "it's respectful", thus declaring first name use is somehow "disrespectful", isn't a good explanation. I call many people by their first name that I respect deeply (just came from a denominational meeting with my district superintendant--I call her Catie, as do the members of my church). I think my children have many adults that they respect that they call by first name as well. My kids can very respectfully use a first name... and they could also call someone Mr./Mrs. in a very disrespectful manner.:glare:

[Kate CA]

I think it is the same thing. I totally agree that children are not my peers--I simply don't see the need to be called Mrs. to remind me of that fact, or to remind them.

 

I didn't say that I "needed" it. I said, "I think children should address adults as Mr. and Mrs. That is just my own personal opinion." It is not an "authority" related "Pentagon man" type of issue to me. I think it is a respect issue so my children address adults in this manner. Shoot, *I* address adults that are older than me in this manner! I modify it if they tell me to call them by their first name, but I really do see it as a respect issue. It is really just fine if you disagree. :tongue_smilie:

[Kay in Cal]

Sorry... I was editing for clarity while you were replying. It may be clearer what I'm trying to say... I'm tired after a marathon day at church and a very long meeting. :banghead:

 

Like I said, I think whatever anyone wants to be called is fine... I just don't think that makes me and mine disrespectful. Does that make sense? Others may show respect by using last names, but I'm not showing DISrespect by not doing so....

[Danestress]

I like being called, "Miss Dana" because otherwise I am often called "Mrs. DH's Last Name" which I don't really mind, but which certainly doesn't make me feel extra honored and respected:) But I don't argue with it either. There are definitely bigger issues in the world.

 

I encourage my children to call adults by their last name. Some adults say, "Call me Miss First Name" which is fine. With close friends, it seems sort of like calling someone "Aunt first name" which my parents had us do with their very closest friends.

[Kate CA]

Like I said, I think whatever anyone wants to be called is fine... I just don't think that makes me and mine disrespectful. Does that make sense? Others may show respect by using last names, but I'm not showing DISrespect by not doing so....

 

Yes, I do understand that. :001_smile:

[Susan in KY]

With our fellow northern-transplants, every one is Mrs. and Mr. Lastname. With our new southern friends, everyone is Mr. and Mrs. Firstname. I have become comfy with both. What I do not like is being called by my first name alone by children. I just think it's wrong. Call me stuffy and unprogressive, but there you go.

 

Mrs. Susan :D