Poll: How do your children answer you when you talk to them

[amyable]

I did not grow up saying, "Yes Mom" or "Yes Dad" or anything even remotely like that. I said whatever I felt like saying, even if it was nothing, my parents seemed to know I heard them and I was almost always pleasant and did what I was told.

 

However, I've got 5 kids under 11 now, several of which have attitude issues, one of which has a hearing loss. I feel, I don't know, like a cruel taskmaster demanding them to answer me a certain way (not because it really is cruel, but I guess because I didn't grow up that way or around others who did) -- but I never know when they have heard me or not and I often wind up having to shout around the house or repeat myself ad nauseam. Or think they have heard me give a direction when they really did not, and then that thing doesn't get done. Maybe it's just my pride, but I feel like when a person talks, the other person should answer - just plain "manners" in my book. When my kids don't, I start to get angry.

 

All that to say, what do you have your kids do? Do they answer in a set way all the time? Do they answer in whatever words they want, as long as they respond with words? Do you not even care? Do you think it makes a difference due to family size? (I'm often giving directions to more than one person, i.e. "everyone be quiet" or "please go sit down for dinner")

 

I just feel like things could be done so much better here, by them AND by me, and am wondering what others do.

 

Thanks for humoring me!

[nukeswife]

I also have a son that has a bit of a hearing loss so with him I usually like to get some sort of acknowledgement that he heard me, but I don't require it. I can usually tell if my kids have heard me because they will head in the direction of what I want them to do. There are times when they are in the middle of something else so I will say "Did you hear what I asked" just to make sure.

 

Sometimes you just have to be the evil taskmaster. I don't like being in that role either but the kids know I'm just doing it for their own good, lukily I haven't reached the age of attitude yet so they are pretty much willing to do anything I ask right away.

[mysticamethyst]

I expect them to say Yes, Mam/Mom otherwise they claim that they didn't hear me. This way I have verbal acknowledgment.

[elegantlion]

I expect a polite response. There are times we ask for yes ma'am or yes sir.

[Aubrey]

I expect them to say Yes, Mam/Mom otherwise they claim that they didn't hear me. This way I have verbal acknowledgment.

:iagree:

The "I forgot's" are bad enough w/out the "I didn't hear you's."

[KAR120C]

But I do need some kind of answer, so I know I was heard. Generally speaking, DS answers with a "yes mom" sort of answer, although whether it's that exactly or not doesn't matter -- "okay" and "I will" and "thanks" and "sorry" and whatever else fits the particular conversation is all good.

 

When he was younger and hadn't quite got the manners of the thing down pat yet, I did give him specific instructions, as in, "When I say '___' I need you to say 'yes mom' so I know that you heard me and I don't have to repeat myself" -- and for a time I required specific words, until it was pretty much second nature. My main issue with it wasn't being ignored outright as much as being met with "huh?" which irritates me to no end!! So in all that was a nice discussion about how one shows respect (in a general sense - not just respect for parental authority, but respect for all human beings) by paying attention to people and engaging in real communication with real words and not just grunts.

[Alenee]

I voted the second option however I am sort of in between the first and second. I wasn't required to answer "Yes mam" or "no mam" unless mom was mad. I expect to be answered so I know they acknowledge what I've said. I expect it to be done with a respectful tone as well. I do my best not to bark at them and I require that they give me the same respect. If I bark, I apologize and ask them to forgive me. I don't think that's being mean at all. Attitude is everything imo. It is important for their relationships both now and in the future.

[dangermom]

I expect a polite response, but I don't care what it is. For a while we did have trouble with the oldest not saying anything in response, and I had to train her to answer so that I knew she had heard me. Especially since she is frequently lost in a book and doesn't hear me--and since she got that from me, it's hard to get too mad about that! :glare:

 

But I'm equally happy with a cheerful "OK!" or a "Yes, Mom."

[Alaska Mom]

Interesting thread :D. Mine are still young, so thankfully no attitude problems (*yet*). I have a serious distaste for "yeah". So I've always corrected "yeah" with "that's yes Mom"! I wasn't concerned about the Mom part, but want the yes vs. yeah. So they naturally now say "yes Mom" most of the time. Plus, I always TRY to respond with "yes ___" to them. So it's just normal to speak that way for us.

[Guest]

There are certain times when I ask ds to do something and he just goes and does it or says okay. But, when I'm correcting him or telling him something that I expect out of him, I do make him come to me, look me in the eye and we are training him to say, "Yes, Mom".

[Slartibartfast]

My dd tends to say "Yes, Mommy Darling?!?!" but she seems to be in some sort of Auntie Mame stage.

 

:lol:

[WTMindy]

I expect a polite response. There are times we ask for yes ma'am or yes sir.

 

This is the same for us. When my son in arguing with me I remind him "Yes, Mom." But, if he isn't arguing with me, any polite answer will do.

[hsmamainva]

I was also raised with "Yes, Sir" / "No, Sir" and my children use it at Tae Kwon Do where it's absolutely required!!! It can be the nicest "yes" in the world, but if there isn't a "Sir" or "Ma'am" after it, you're doing push-ups! ;)

 

At home, I'm happy with "Yes, Mom" or "Yes, Dad" -- they usually say "Ma'am" or "Sir", because they use it all the time at TKD.

[~Tara~]

I expect them to say Yes, Mam/Mom otherwise they claim that they didn't hear me. This way I have verbal acknowledgment.

 

 

Yep. I expect a yes ma'am acknowledgment.

[PameliaSue]

In our home we expect our children to answer with "yes, mom/dad" when they are given instructions. We start this very early... as soon as they are physically able to follow instructions and speak.

 

We took a parenting class years ago that explained that a young toddler who is choosing not to follow instructions will often immediately do so once they have said "Yes, Mom/Dad." If I remember correctly this works because of how the brain develops. At that window age they have to follow through with what they have said because they have not matured to a point where they can say one thing and do another.... not sure I am explaining it well.... This is always my first line of advice to a new mom with a toddler that won't follow instructions.

Anyhow, this has worked with all 3 of our children and we will start with Asher when he is a little older. We have several family friends that took the class with us and those families have success with it and all of them still use it. It has been one of my favorite parenting finds!

 

Now with my older children...like others have said.... it simplifies and underlines respect for authority.

[Melanie]

I require polite acknowledgment, which includes eye contact and a verbal response. (That means no one had better grunt at me without even taking his eyes off his Halo game!)

[Susan in TN]

When I was growing up, a response of "yes, sir" or similar was assumed to be a "smart" response and was not looked upon favorably. Naturally, we now live in the South where it's the normal and sometimes only accepted response.

 

However, Dh and I do not require that particular response, because we just don't feel we can be consistent with it. But they are required to respond with something - OK, yes, or whatever in a polite and respectful tone - whether it's an adult speaking to them or a sibling or other person. Respect is required for everyone. My 3yo has a very difficult time speaking, so we will accept a yes nod from him with a sort of mumbled "yesh".

 

It's interesting what PameliaSue mentioned - I have found this to be true of my little ones - and even the older ones. A positive response will cause positive action.

[3lilreds in NC]

I ask them to reply to me with "OK, Mom" or "Yes Ma'am." We're from Michigan, so we never had to say ma'am and sir, but a good friend of mine who's a native southerner told me one time that she doesn't understand why people raise their children with no manners - as in "Yes/No Ma'am/Sir." Eek! I did explain that it's just not in my idiolect, but now I try to make sure they would answer any adult politely.

 

I only *require* "Yes Ma'am" when a bad attitude is an issue. Dd and I every now and then have little power struggles and then she has to say "yes ma'am" before we can move on. She really hates it. Not so fun for me either. But, I will not allow the disrespect.

[PariSarah]

. . . means very specific word choices. Like, "No thank you," rather than a bald "No." Usually, though, as long as the approach is reasonably polite, I don't care about the precise words.

[angela in ohio]

The guideline we always go by is "What sort of adult will this create?" When one adult asks or tells another something, a verbal response is generally considered polite. So we create the habit of responding by requiring it. Then they will have this habit and not have to learn it when they are older. I voted the first. Generally, "Yes, mom," or "Yes, dad." "No, thank you," "I'm sorry, Mom," etc. are also allowed, though.

 

And we do what another poster mentioned: If the tone is poor, I can't hear it, and it has to be repeted until it is pleasant.

[K&Rs Mom]

I've taught mine that "okay" is enough if I'm just giving info (like the 5 minute warning before we go somewhere). That way I know they heard me and can't claim ignorance when I later expect action. I've had to implement this with dh also.... ;)

[ereks mom]

I expect a polite response. There are times we ask for yes ma'am or yes sir.

 

:iagree:

[Aloha2U]

I don't have my ds say "Yes Mom" or "Yes Dad" as I know he will be in the presence of other figures of authority at one time or another and needs to learn how to give respectful acknowleagement to them as well. There are times when I do only expect a polite response such as "ok" or a perhaps just a nod of the head, but it is done with eye contact and a positive attitude.

 

I agree with a previous poster and believe that the attitude is more important. It is the child's heart condition that truly matters. A child can give a respectful and acceptable response, but still have a heart issue that needs to be addressed... at least in my experience. On the flip side, I also believe that I need to be careful not to let pride enter my heart.

 

You may already have knowledge of these, but I recommend two books to you:

 

Shepherding a Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp

 

"Don't Make Me Count to Three!" by Ginger Plowman

 

Sincerely,

 

Melissa

[Pamela H in Texas]

At a certain age/discipline stage, I believe it is helpful to have a set answer in place. After that? As long as they are respectful, I don't really care. If they have trouble answering respectfully, I'll say something like, " the correct answer is 'yes, I'll hop on that'" or WHATEVER is appropriate. Thing is that they can't just mope for 15 min before answering and following through with a boss, professor, even mate and things be just fine so I don't put up with it from toddlers or teens either.

 

Since insolence and age are both issues, according to your post, I would come up with SOMETHING like "yes mom" or "yes, I will ___________." It isn't cruel, I promise, but actually makes EVERYTHING more pleasant because they aren't searching for words when they either don't have the words yet or are frustrated/angry/sad/disappointed. Also, when people have an appropriate response to give, THEY feel more peaceful so it's better for them also.

 

Now, we never got into the yes ma'am/no sir thing and here is the reason. First, I said it in situations that called for it fairly naturally growing up and into adulthood and figured my kids would learn in time also. Second, my hubby's family forces the issue and it sounds SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO nasty and ugly. Though I'm positive there is a way to require it without the sounds, threats, etc that I see in society (family and many others in redneck/backwoods Texas) around me, I just didn't want to be associated with "them."

 

HTHs,

[Christine]

I did not grow up saying, "Yes Mom" or "Yes Dad" or anything even remotely like that. I said whatever I felt like saying, even if it was nothing, my parents seemed to know I heard them and I was almost always pleasant and did what I was told.

 

However, I've got 5 kids under 11 now, several of which have attitude issues, one of which has a hearing loss. I feel, I don't know, like a cruel taskmaster demanding them to answer me a certain way (not because it really is cruel, but I guess because I didn't grow up that way or around others who did) -- but I never know when they have heard me or not and I often wind up having to shout around the house or repeat myself ad nauseam. Or think they have heard me give a direction when they really did not, and then that thing doesn't get done. Maybe it's just my pride, but I feel like when a person talks, the other person should answer - just plain "manners" in my book. When my kids don't, I start to get angry.

 

All that to say, what do you have your kids do? Do they answer in a set way all the time? Do they answer in whatever words they want, as long as they respond with words? Do you not even care? Do you think it makes a difference due to family size? (I'm often giving directions to more than one person, i.e. "everyone be quiet" or "please go sit down for dinner")

 

I just feel like things could be done so much better here, by them AND by me, and am wondering what others do.

 

Thanks for humoring me!

 

 

I started this with kiddoe #2. I was getting sick of telling him something and getting no acknowledgment and then he not doing it claiming he had never heard. How can you punish a child for not hearing???

 

Mine have to say "Yes, ma'am / sir". Although, we've gotten lax, and as long as I get a respectful acknowledgement, I'm happy.

 

My teens are really rebeling against this right now. I suspect it's because they want to have the excuse that they didn't hear. Man, it must really gripe them that I wrote down standard chore tasks, and had them sign the paper acknowledging they read it. . .

 

What can I say? Prior military myself ya know. . .

[Lolly]

I'll take any response as long as it is polite. I did't use Ma'am and Sir with my parents, but did with other adults. I still tend to ma'am and sir people who are older than myself. Sometimes even younger... But, as long as they are polite, they may answer me or just go do what I say.

[beansprouts]

"Yes, Dear Mother, I am at your service. What can I do for you??"

 

Yeah, in my dreams...

[Andie]

I did not grow up saying, "Yes Mom" or "Yes Dad" or anything even remotely like that. I said whatever I felt like saying, even if it was nothing, my parents seemed to know I heard them and I was almost always pleasant and did what I was told.

 

However, I've got 5 kids under 11 now, several of which have attitude issues, one of which has a hearing loss. I feel, I don't know, like a cruel taskmaster demanding them to answer me a certain way (not because it really is cruel, but I guess because I didn't grow up that way or around others who did) -- but I never know when they have heard me or not and I often wind up having to shout around the house or repeat myself ad nauseam. Or think they have heard me give a direction when they really did not, and then that thing doesn't get done. Maybe it's just my pride, but I feel like when a person talks, the other person should answer - just plain "manners" in my book. When my kids don't, I start to get angry.

 

All that to say, what do you have your kids do? Do they answer in a set way all the time? Do they answer in whatever words they want, as long as they respond with words? Do you not even care? Do you think it makes a difference due to family size? (I'm often giving directions to more than one person, i.e. "everyone be quiet" or "please go sit down for dinner")

 

I just feel like things could be done so much better here, by them AND by me, and am wondering what others do.

 

Thanks for humoring me!

 

 

I chose "Yes, Mom" though as the oldest get older, I'm more than fine with any polite response. We have 5, one with a hearing issue too, so aside from the manners aspect - I really need to know I was heard!

[Andie]

"Yes, Dear Mother, I am at your service. What can I do for you??"

 

Yeah, in my dreams...

 

 

Well...on SOME days, I require "Yes, Mommie Dearest!"

 

They know I'm kidding. Really. (Unless I have the wire hanger...;))

[beansprouts]

Well...on SOME days, I require "Yes, Mommie Dearest!"

 

They know I'm kidding. Really. (Unless I have the wire hanger...;))

 

I remember that movie *shudders*

[Aggie]

I've had to implement this with dh also.... ;)

 

 

:lol::lol::lol:

 

 

Ok...HOW do you get him to do this?! My dh has a hearing loss and I'm never sure if he's heard me or not until I ask the 2nd time and he quips that he's already heard me.:glare:

 

BTW, we started our young children out with the "yes, mom/dad" and it has proven wonderful.

 

Aggie

[Remudamom]

We grew up with yes/no mam/sir. I still talk to my parents that way.

 

I want a polite response so that I know they heard and understand.

[beansprouts]

We grew up with yes/no mam/sir. I still talk to my parents that way.

 

 

I actually have some lingering childhood trauma over this issue :lol:

 

You see, my father taught me to say "yes, Ma'am", "yes Sir". This became a habit for me, and I still use it to show respect to elders. When I went to visit my mother, and would say "yes, ma'am", she smacked me. Apparently her preference was just "yes" or "yes, Mommy" but "Yes, Ma'am" made her feel old. But I spent most of my time living with my father in the south where this was the custom, it was so hard to change the habit during my infrequent visits to the northeast. So I got hit alot.

 

And now you all know why I twitch now and then. :tongue_smilie:

 

Oh and for the record, I accept any polite response from my own children.

[Sasharowan]

I have had too many instances where they use "I didn't hear you." as an excuse not to do something, so they are required to acknowledge that they heard and understood what I told them.