Talk me down. I'm not sure what to do.

[idnib]

Warning, vent ahead...please don't quote.

 

DD7 is enrolled in a martial arts class, as is DS. She's been going for 2.5 years or so. Because she loved the school and the teachers so much the first year, we paid for the entire year in advance both years following, including this one. For the past few months she has been crying and whining like crazy about going, but once she gets there she has a really good time. Today I practically pushed everyone out the door (DH takes the kids to this class) because I knew as soon as she got going the whining would stop. It's driving me crazy. I feel trepidatious anytime I have to tell her it's time to go get ready for class. Her crying and whining don't pay off for her, she has to go anyway. If she hated the class, I would consider pulling her if I could get my money back for the balance of the year. But she likes it once she gets there and she often comes back excited and happy.

 

She is a sensitive and dramatic child in some ways. She cries very easily, for example, when she doesn't get her way. On the other hand, she is rarely fearful of anything, so she's not sensitive all-around. We try to do everything we can: we have spent lots of time talking with her, we follow through when we say we will, etc but this is a child who just doesn't respond to the things others say she will respond to.

 

Yesterday, in an effort to give her individual attention, I spent a long time playing a favorite game with her and her alone. after 2 hours of playing the game, when I suggested it was time to get ready for dinner, the waterworks and whining began immediately. We had been having a great time and as soon as it was something she didn't want, it was the end of the world. All that fun time we had together evaporated, and for what? We don't reward that behavior so I don't know why she does it.

 

This is also a child who doesn't seem to respond to punishment like other kids do, I guess. She doesn't seem to have the maturity to consider consequences before action. As an example, if her room is messy and we have to spend part of her free time cleaning it up, and we do that 10 times, it doesn't sink in the 11th time. She still does the same thing. I don't think it's defiant or malicious, it's something else. She seems genuinely surprised or bewildered that it's happened again, until she remembers or I remind her of last time. But she doesn't remember ahead of time.

 

There was a time for a few weeks earlier this year when I thought we had turned a corner. She just seemed much better and more cooperative overall and barely cried or whined. Then it disappeared. But I know she can do it, at least for a few weeks.

 

In the last couple of weeks she has called herself stupid. I have no idea where this comes from and when I asked her she said it came from herself. She's an advanced reader and does great in math and writing. We give her the freedom to create many artistic projects and we encourage effort and risk-taking and deal positively with making mistakes. We show our kids tons of affection.

 

I honestly don't know what to do with this child. She is bright and is very artistic and creative. I started this post thinking I would get people's opinions of what to do about the class, but now I'm wondering about what approach to take with this child.

 

Sorry for the vent and the grammar. Today's whining, even though she intellectually knows once she gets to class she'll have fun, drove me over a cliff.

 

:cursing:

[Jean in Newcastle]

:grouphug:   7 can be a hard age.   This is just a thought triggered by some of her description of her but have you read "Strong-Willed Child or Dreamer"?  http://www.amazon.com/Strong-Willed-Child-Dreamer-Dana-Spears/dp/0785277005

[Anne in CA]

I just wanted to say that you are not the only parent who has posted about this personality type over the years. I do think that you need extra parenting techniques,because these sort of kids do not seem to outgrow this, they need careful management. You sound like a great mom, but sometimes that is not enough. Some people are bottomless pits. I think you need to find a "coach" of some kind to help you. 

[idnib]

:grouphug:   7 can be a hard age.   This is just a thought triggered by some of her description of her but have you read "Strong-Willed Child or Dreamer"?  http://www.amazon.com/Strong-Willed-Child-Dreamer-Dana-Spears/dp/0785277005

 

She's been this way since about age 4 but I think she's worse now about the martial arts, plus I thought she'd outgrown it earlier, so I'm more frustrated now, I guess. I will definitely check out the book, thanks.

 

 

I just wanted to say that you are not the only parent who has posted about this personality type over the years. I do think that you need extra parenting techniques,because these sort of kids do not seem to outgrow this, they need careful management. You sound like a great mom, but sometimes that is not enough. Some people are bottomless pits. I think you need to find a "coach" of some kind to help you. 

 

Yeah, you might be right. This might beyond my current skill level. I'm not sure.

 

I would try to judge less around her feelings. Calling her feelings whining and waterworks is very dismissive ( not to say I wouldn't feel that way, because I probably would, so no judgement there ). 

 

She sounds like she has some difficulty with transitions. And maybe the crying and complaining is how she is communicating that difficulty. Would it help to see the crying etc as a message letting you know she is finding the transition hard ? And help her find less button-pushing ways to express it ? 

 

Just a thought. Sorry it's been a tough time with your dd.

 

I used to judge less but I've kind of burned out on that. I'll try harder. I have said "whining" to her but never said "waterworks" anywhere but this post.

 

I think you are correct about transitions to some extent. I would say most transitions involve some degree of problems, but I would also say there's a fair amount of emotional intensity even when we're not in a  transition, like in the middle of a meal or a read aloud. I was using the martial arts class, which is a transition, as an example. But there are lots of non-transition examples as well.

 

I am having a hard time seeing it her way. I haven't had much exposure to young children and somehow thought they wouldn't cry much by this age over small things like having to put on shoes to go to martial arts, or clearing dishes from the table, or watering the tomato plants with a watering can. Good grief.

[idnib]

She just got back from martial arts and is very excited that she's getting a new belt. Before she left she was talking about how it's too hard and she hasn't even figured out what she needs for the next belt. Sigh.

[Galatea]

Regarding the whining when a fun activity is over, I always give my daughter a time count when time is running out. "Ok, we can play 10 more minutes and then I need to make dinner." It helps it be less of a surprise and disappointment to my daughter.

 

Regarding the class, is your daughter introverted or extroverted? I find myself often dreading leaving the house even for activities I enjoy because I'm fairly introverted. Sometimes I have to convince myself I really will enjoy it. And it helps if I have some quiet or alone time before and after. If she is introverted that's something to consider.

[Kiara.I]

Have a look at this:

http://thechildwhisperer.com/getting-started/

I found being able to identify my children's primary types (and mine!!!) helped a lot in being able to interact with them in a way that works for them.  There are a couple of types that tend to cry more easily than others, you might be dealing with one of them?

 

Regarding things like mess...rather than viewing the cleanup during free time as "punishment" (since that clearly isn't working anyway...) build it in as more of a routine.  Just make it "clean-up time, then free time".  Or build "clean-up time" somewhere else into the schedule.

[snickerplum]

You just described my nine year old. I wish we could meet for coffee. :-)

Just like you said, she doesn't seem to learn from experience. Also, discipline does not seem to effect her. People always say we have to find her currency. She has none. And she genuinely seems surprised when she gets a consequence, even when they've been clearly spelled out for her.

I read the strong-willed/dreamer book that Jean suggested. It has pros and cons. I think I said "Yes, that's her!" to every description of the dreamer personality, so it did make me think and give insight to her actions. However I thought the book fell short when it came to suggestions and ideas for dealing with this behavior type, imo. It was a good read, but I was really REALLY hoping for some direction.

Honestly, I find it oddly comforting to hear others describe their child like mine. So often when I ask for advice my friends or family say,"I don't know,my kids don't do that..." I seriously thought she was the only one.

I will say, some of the emotional outbursts and other dramatic displays lessened when we removed gluten from her diet. I don't know if that would help your daughter of even be something you would consider, but it did help some here.

Hugs to you - I know you work hard and you need some!

[catz]

She sounds quite a bit like my dd at 7.  She has some sensory quirks, is very bright, but perfectionistic and gets frustrated easily.

 

As a parent, I told my kids as homeschoolers they needed to pick both an instrument and an active activity.  It's part of our "school" and it's a break for me.  My dd has been dancing since 5.  And honestly, it's been hit and miss some weeks.  She never wants to switch to something else when asked.  Now at 11 she loves love loves it.  She does feel frustrated and competitive sometimes, but it's workable for her.  And she absolutely bounces out the door to get there since about age 8/9 when she started moving up a level and having success.  With her violin and school work it's the same thing.  It's SO hard.  It's SO frustrating.  And she's always been ahead of grade level.  The challenge with violin for her was not playing the violin.  It was having the patience to get through practicing and following instructions.  But that journey has been VERY worthwhile for her.  She is playing very well and has gained a ton of confidence, loves group playing/orchestra/etc.

 

Anyway, this kid has just required lots and lots of patience and persistence.  I DO acknowledge her feelings when she's frustrated or sad.  I actually remember being super sensitive as a kid too and my parents rolled their eyes at me quite a bit so I've made a decision not to do that. 

 

I was just going to say, my kid is much better at 11 than 7!  She seems more frustrated and needy during growth spurts too.   We had a couple months right before she turned 10 that were really rough too.  But we're getting there! 

[SparklyUnicorn]

I think it can be overwhelming if you give the vague requirement of, "Your room can't be messy."  I'm not saying you said that, but It seems possible that you are sometimes not being specific enough.  She may not think her room is to the level of "messy".  KWIM? Maybe break whatever it is down into specifics. 

 

 

[fairfarmhand]

I just wanted to say that you are not the only parent who has posted about this personality type over the years. I do think that you need extra parenting techniques,because these sort of kids do not seem to outgrow this, they need careful management. You sound like a great mom, but sometimes that is not enough. Some people are bottomless pits. I think you need to find a "coach" of some kind to help you. 

 

Oh yes.  I;ve had this kid. Read the Explosive Child. It will help teach you to teach your child to be more in tune to life, feelings, and such.

 

Hang on to your hat.

[Little Nyssa]

Thank you for asking this question. I'm listening, because I have a DD just like this-

[idnib]

Regarding the whining when a fun activity is over, I always give my daughter a time count when time is running out. "Ok, we can play 10 more minutes and then I need to make dinner." It helps it be less of a surprise and disappointment to my daughter.

 

Regarding the class, is your daughter introverted or extroverted? I find myself often dreading leaving the house even for activities I enjoy because I'm fairly introverted. Sometimes I have to convince myself I really will enjoy it. And it helps if I have some quiet or alone time before and after. If she is introverted that's something to consider.

 

I do give her transition warnings, but the warning is usually what starts the trouble. She doesn't even wait until the actual time is up! It's as if the warning is the end!

 

She's very extroverted and affectionate. She likes to talk to just about everyone.

 

Have a look at this:

http://thechildwhisperer.com/getting-started/

I found being able to identify my children's primary types (and mine!!!) helped a lot in being able to interact with them in a way that works for them.  There are a couple of types that tend to cry more easily than others, you might be dealing with one of them?

 

Regarding things like mess...rather than viewing the cleanup during free time as "punishment" (since that clearly isn't working anyway...) build it in as more of a routine.  Just make it "clean-up time, then free time".  Or build "clean-up time" somewhere else into the schedule.

 

Thanks, I'll look at the child types. The room cleaning is built into her schedule. Because she and DS play in each other's rooms so much all 3 of us work on both of their bedrooms together. I've taken pictures when we had it clean to show her where everything goes.  It becomes messy because she is a real creative whirlwind and is constantly building things using her own items plus various household objects. She makes sculptures, mobiles, fabric items, jewelry, etc. I try not to discourage that because it's a real part of who she is. But I do want her to help clean up the aftermath.

 

You just described my nine year old. I wish we could meet for coffee. :-)

Just like you said, she doesn't seem to learn from experience. Also, discipline does not seem to effect her. People always say we have to find her currency. She has none. And she genuinely seems surprised when she gets a consequence, even when they've been clearly spelled out for her.

I read the strong-willed/dreamer book that Jean suggested. It has pros and cons. I think I said "Yes, that's her!" to every description of the dreamer personality, so it did make me think and give insight to her actions. However I thought the book fell short when it came to suggestions and ideas for dealing with this behavior type, imo. It was a good read, but I was really REALLY hoping for some direction.

Honestly, I find it oddly comforting to hear others describe their child like mine. So often when I ask for advice my friends or family say,"I don't know,my kids don't do that..." I seriously thought she was the only one.

I will say, some of the emotional outbursts and other dramatic displays lessened when we removed gluten from her diet. I don't know if that would help your daughter of even be something you would consider, but it did help some here.

Hugs to you - I know you work hard and you need some!

 

Thanks. I wish we could meet for coffee too! DD didn't eat gluten for about 4 years and I didn't notice a change when it was added back in. Mabe I'll try again.

 

You are correct--people tell me to find her currency but she doesn't have any. She's not rude about it, but she kind of shrugs it off if I punish her. If I say no screen time for a week, she's fine because she's quite self-entertaining (see messes). Tonight she asked for screen time and DH said no. Never once in the history of her screen time have we acquiesced due to repeated (and repeated) requests, but as soon as he said no she kept asking, over and over, even after he reminded her that it never works. People tell me she'll learn to stop if we don't give in, but she doesn't stop.

 

 

With her violin and school work it's the same thing.  It's SO hard.  It's SO frustrating.  And she's always been ahead of grade level.  The challenge with violin for her was not playing the violin.  It was having the patience to get through practicing and following instructions.  But that journey has been VERY worthwhile for her.  She is playing very well and has gained a ton of confidence, loves group playing/orchestra/etc.

 

Hmm. She's been asking to play the violin and I've been reluctant because if we have this much strife over 1000 things, why would I add #1001, you know? Maybe I should, though.

 

I think it can be overwhelming if you give the vague requirement of, "Your room can't be messy."  I'm not saying you said that, but It seems possible that you are sometimes not being specific enough.  She may not think her room is to the level of "messy".  KWIM? Maybe break whatever it is down into specifics. 

 

We clean together as mentioned above, each morning as part of our chores, but sometimes she has to clean outside of that time if she's made a mess and we're having company or something. I took photos of the clean room she can refer to. I've decluttered a lot of her stuff so it would be easier for her. I do agree though that she doesn't think it's messy, and it isn't all the time. Sometimes it only takes a couple of minutes, other times longer.

 

Oh yes.  I;ve had this kid. Read the Explosive Child. It will help teach you to teach your child to be more in tune to life, feelings, and such.

 

Hang on to your hat.

 

Thanks, I'll check it out.

[SKL]

She sounds like one of mine in some ways.  Generally when she makes a fuss she has some underlying concern that she finds difficult to voice.  So I have to coax it out of her.  It takes a little time, but it usually comes out and then once it is aired and she gets a hug, she is fine.

 

It helps to state to her what you believe she is feeling.  For example:  "you would like for us to continue playing the game longer."  Just acknowledging her feelings can go a long way, even though the next sentence will be "but we need to serve dinner now and we can play this game again __ [future time]."  Another thing that calms my kid is just hearing me say the obvious - I love you or whatever.  It may sound ridiculous but it works for us.

 

Maybe martial arts for your daughter is like writing (composition) is for mine.  She is very bright but insecure about not measuring up.  She can't stand this feeling.  Breaking it down into easy basics helps.  You can do x, you can do y, you can do z, you can do xyz no problem.  And everyone has room for improvement, not just you.  We've had this conversation many times.

[happypamama]

She just got back from martial arts and is very excited that she's getting a new belt. Before she left she was talking about how it's too hard and she hasn't even figured out what she needs for the next belt. Sigh.

That is great! I wonder if that was part of her issue, not quite knowing what she needed and maybe not feeling connected with the class, and add that to a tough time with transitions, and it adds up to waterworks.

 

We went through a little of that over the spring, not the waterworks, but the not feeling into martial arts class, just feeling kind of blah about it, with DD (although she's quite a bit older than your DD), and the solution was to get the instructor involved. She'd hit a plateau with skills and was feeling like she'd never get to the next belt. He gave her some specific help and got her over the plateau, and bam, her enthusiasm came back strong. So you might talk with the instructor if you think it's related to the MA class itself.

 

But I think sometimes it's just the personality too. I have one (not DD) who will turn on the tears for anything, and he's always been that way.

[ashfern]

Mine have been doing karate since they turned 4. I still have issues with the 10 & 7 year old when it's time for class. Like your child, they have fun once there. It's just super annoying to have the same argument several times a week every week.

[SKL]

My kids also say they don't want to go.  One of them always gets a stomach ache (or claims to) on a specific part of the road leading to the dojang.  They are still compliant enough to go because I said so.  ;)  And like most things, they end up liking it just fine once they are there.  I take the class with them, so that might be helpful.

 

Since I am in the class, I can say there shouldn't be anything terrifying about it.  The teachers are calm and patient, nobody gives them any guff, they don't get hurt any more than with any other activity.  They don't resist going horse riding, where the horses will actually step on your foot (and bruise it) and the teacher will give you what-for if you aren't alert or if your horse gets a mind of its own.

[jenn-]

I hope you figure out how to get her to quit the complaining about her class.  How much longer is on the contract?  If it is coming up soon, could you mark it on the calendar and tell her if she really doesn't like it, that is the day to tell you?  Are the classes getting hard for her? Is she getting in trouble for talking in class (since you said she loves to talk)?  Do they spar at her age/rank?  Could she dislike the getting kicked around part?

 

I took a child on the gymnastics team kicking and screaming with wails of that would be the day she died in practice for almost 6 months because she couldn't figure out her round off backhand spring.  It was November before she finally mastered the skill they had worked on since January (a broken foot and then a broken finger put her really behind).  The season ended at the beginning of December and I was done with gymnastics.  Guess who thought gymnastics was the bees knees and bounded out excited for practice as soon as she figured out the hard skill?

 

 

Mine have been doing karate since they turned 4. I still have issues with the 10 & 7 year old when it's time for class. Like your child, they have fun once there. It's just super annoying to have the same argument several times a week every week.

 

I'm 36 and I still whine when it is time to get ready to go to practice.  Which is right now by the way :crying:

[MommaOfalotta]

:bigear: No advice, but this sounds a lot like my dd. She doesn't cry.. but I get a negative, almost cynical attitude and she also seems oblivious when she has forgotten something I've been saying a million times. So frustrating at times! :grouphug: I'll be reading all the responses you get :laugh:

 

ETA: Lots of complaining. Like huffing, puffing, eyerolling whenever I tell her to do something. I have tried to talk to her about attitude lately and how someone will a negative attitude can bring down the moods of everyone around them. Ugh, its like poison! I've felt so guilty before for thinking it, but sometimes she just makes it unpleasant to be around her at all. :crying:

 

[Tsuga]

I can't talk you down. You are not alone.

[Jean in Newcastle]

My "dramatic dreamer" is 13 now.  I've found that it's much better for me to listen with no judgment.  Getting out her feelings helps her to then be able to turn things around on her own even if she is much less vocal on the positive side.  She has struggled some with anxiety - a lot of this "drama" stems from that even as she isn't able to really articulate that part.  It isn't anxiety about anything specific - more of a generalized anxiety.  Having a lot of exercise helps.  Having some magnesium helps.  (I like Natural Calm for kids by Natural Vitality).

 

 Letting her have responsibility and the freedom to figure things out helps.  (I make her ask me for help instead of trying to barge in when I see her getting frustrated.)  Just last night, she was trying to make a new rabbit cage.  She did not want my help so after getting rebuffed, she was on her own unless she specifically came to ask for help.  I did tell her that I was not going to let the rabbit get in the very shaky structure she had built at that point. (This was all using modular building materials).   I thought she would have a big meltdown then (and she probably would have when she was younger - she's a late bloomer) but after I left, she took it all down, rethought the design and built a much better sturdier structure that will work just fine.  I was proud to see that her stubbornness (also called determination) stood her in good stead.  

[idnib]

Oh yes.  I;ve had this kid. Read the Explosive Child.

 

I read the book preview and online reviews and I don't think this is her. She rarely becomes angry and I think I've heard her shout only once or twice, both times when DS broke something of hers. It's not that she explodes, it's that she dissolves.

 

She sounds like one of mine in some ways.  Generally when she makes a fuss she has some underlying concern that she finds difficult to voice.  So I have to coax it out of her.  It takes a little time, but it usually comes out and then once it is aired and she gets a hug, she is fine.

 

It helps to state to her what you believe she is feeling.  For example:  "you would like for us to continue playing the game longer."  Just acknowledging her feelings can go a long way, even though the next sentence will be "but we need to serve dinner now and we can play this game again __ [future time]."  Another thing that calms my kid is just hearing me say the obvious - I love you or whatever.  It may sound ridiculous but it works for us.

 

Maybe martial arts for your daughter is like writing (composition) is for mine.  She is very bright but insecure about not measuring up.  She can't stand this feeling.  Breaking it down into easy basics helps.  You can do x, you can do y, you can do z, you can do xyz no problem.  And everyone has room for improvement, not just you.  We've had this conversation many times.

 

Thanks. I will try all these things. I agree DH and I could do a better job of acknowledging her feelings and helping her articulate what's going on. I've had the conversation you mentioned many times with my son, but not DD. I don't know why that is.

 

 

My kids also say they don't want to go.  One of them always gets a stomach ache (or claims to) on a specific part of the road leading to the dojang.  They are still compliant enough to go because I said so.  ;)  And like most things, they end up liking it just fine once they are there.  I take the class with them, so that might be helpful.

 

Since I am in the class, I can say there shouldn't be anything terrifying about it.  The teachers are calm and patient, nobody gives them any guff, they don't get hurt any more than with any other activity.  They don't resist going horse riding, where the horses will actually step on your foot (and bruise it) and the teacher will give you what-for if you aren't alert or if your horse gets a mind of its own.

 

Yes, DD has had her share of "stomach aches" when she doesn't want to do something. They magically disappear if circumstances happen to change. I can't take the class with the kids because they're kids-only at that hour, but the room has a parents' area that is just separated by a 4-ft wall so I see and hear everything. The instructors are wonderful and she cares for them and enjoys them.

 

I hope you figure out how to get her to quit the complaining about her class.  How much longer is on the contract?  If it is coming up soon, could you mark it on the calendar and tell her if she really doesn't like it, that is the day to tell you?  Are the classes getting hard for her? Is she getting in trouble for talking in class (since you said she loves to talk)?  Do they spar at her age/rank?  Could she dislike the getting kicked around part?

 

The classes are pre-paid through December. I'd have to get the contract out to find the exact date. She says the classes are getting hard for her but it's hard to tell. For example, yesterday before she headed out she said they were too hard and she hadn't learned anything she needed for the next belt. When she got home, she was excited because she's ready for that next belt.  :confused1:  I asked her when the last time was that it was easy and she said answered with a belt that was several belts ago, but she's gotten the subsequent belts in normal time frames. There's a girl who's a black belt we see sometimes and DD really admires her and wants to be like her. I'm confused.

 

Last night I asked her if she replaced martial arts with another sport, what would it be? She said soccer, because it's much easier. I told her it was more physically rigorous and in addition to practices, she would have weekend games, which is more time than she spends on martial arts, so she said she didn't want soccer anymore.

 

I can't talk you down. You are not alone.

 

:grouphug:

 

My "dramatic dreamer" is 13 now.  I've found that it's much better for me to listen with no judgment.  Getting out her feelings helps her to then be able to turn things around on her own even if she is much less vocal on the positive side.  She has struggled some with anxiety - a lot of this "drama" stems from that even as she isn't able to really articulate that part.  It isn't anxiety about anything specific - more of a generalized anxiety.  Having a lot of exercise helps.  Having some magnesium helps.  (I like Natural Calm for kids by Natural Vitality).

 

 Letting her have responsibility and the freedom to figure things out helps.  (I make her ask me for help instead of trying to barge in when I see her getting frustrated.)  Just last night, she was trying to make a new rabbit cage.  She did not want my help so after getting rebuffed, she was on her own unless she specifically came to ask for help.  I did tell her that I was not going to let the rabbit get in the very shaky structure she had built at that point. (This was all using modular building materials).   I thought she would have a big meltdown then (and she probably would have when she was younger - she's a late bloomer) but after I left, she took it all down, rethought the design and built a much better sturdier structure that will work just fine.  I was proud to see that her stubbornness (also called determination) stood her in good stead.  

 

This sounds a lot like DS. I'm going to try the listening and the magnesium. Maybe more time at the park too. I don't perceive her as having a lot of anxiety, but maybe she does. DS is quite anxious and maybe it's relative so she doesn't seem as anxious as she is.

 

Yeah, I could see the rabbit cage being a big meltdown for DD. And she is very stubborn. I try to reframe that in a positive way: it may drive me crazy, but she shows a level of perseverance that will probably help her in life.

[gardenmom5]

is she overtired? overstimulated?

hungry with low blood sugar?  (makes a big difference for dudeling's moods.)

over scheduled with too many different things?

does she get enough "free play" time?  (including time to waste if that's what she wantsP)

 

but I do understand.

 

yesterday, ds had a tantrum as we were going and refused to go into MA when we got there.  he didn't want to get off the computer and some new thing one of his brother's had given him.  I refused to talk to him about the mood.  I went and sat on the other side of the lobby - so he followed me.  I finally got up and left, telling him I was going to go pick up his rx.  I *knew* as soon as I left he'd go in and participate.  and he did.  he was even asking questions/asking for help with a move of his instructor when I got there.  he was in a good mood when it came time to leave.

[fairfarmhand]

I read the book preview and online reviews and I don't think this is her. She rarely becomes angry and I think I've heard her shout only once or twice, both times when DS broke something of hers. It's not that she explodes, it's that she dissolves.

 

 

It's not necessarily about exploding. It's about managing BIG emotions.

 

My dd went through different stages. Sometimes she was more likely to cry, Sometimes she was more likely to scream and throw things.

 

So just because she currently cries, it doesn;t mean that she won;t escalate to exploding in the future. This book gives you step by step instructions on how to teach your kid to understand emotions and handle them without falling apart.

[idnib]

is she overtired? overstimulated?

hungry with low blood sugar?  (makes a big difference for dudeling's moods.)

over scheduled with too many different things?

does she get enough "free play" time?  (including time to waste if that's what she wantsP)

 

She sleeps a lot, maybe 10-11 hours/night usually 8:30p-7:00a or 7:30a. She's not over-overscheduled; the sum total of her extra-curricular obligations is 4 hours/week on 3 different days. She has lots of time to pursue her crafting and have free playtime. On school days she does around 3 hours of work and she doesn't do schoolwork at all on Fridays at all so she can spend the day playing and swimming.

 

The blood sugar is an interesting thought. She seems to be hungry a lot and prefers snacking to meals. We do restrict her sugar quite a bit, but she eats a fair amount of non-sweet carbs.

 

It's not necessarily about exploding. It's about managing BIG emotions.

 

My dd went through different stages. Sometimes she was more likely to cry, Sometimes she was more likely to scream and throw things.

 

So just because she currently cries, it doesn;t mean that she won;t escalate to exploding in the future. This book gives you step by step instructions on how to teach your kid to understand emotions and handle them without falling apart.

 

Thanks for the additional info. I put the book on hold at the library and will pick it up in the next couple of days.

[Kim in Appalachia]

Oh yes.  I;ve had this kid. Read the Explosive Child. It will help teach you to teach your child to be more in tune to life, feelings, and such.

 

Hang on to your hat.

 

 

I've have this kid too.  My ds10.  I'm ordering the book.  I haven't read a parenting book in years, because I have found them so unhelpful, but I'm giving this one a go.  After this morning's melt down I need some help.  

[Sun]

Warning, vent ahead...please don't quote.

 

DD7 is enrolled in a martial arts class, as is DS. She's been going for 2.5 years or so. Because she loved the school and the teachers so much the first year, we paid for the entire year in advance both years following, including this one. For the past few months she has been crying and whining like crazy about going, but once she gets there she has a really good time. Today I practically pushed everyone out the door (DH takes the kids to this class) because I knew as soon as she got going the whining would stop. It's driving me crazy. I feel trepidatious anytime I have to tell her it's time to go get ready for class. Her crying and whining don't pay off for her, she has to go anyway. If she hated the class, I would consider pulling her if I could get my money back for the balance of the year. But she likes it once she gets there and she often comes back excited and happy.

 

She is a sensitive and dramatic child in some ways. She cries very easily, for example, when she doesn't get her way. On the other hand, she is rarely fearful of anything, so she's not sensitive all-around. We try to do everything we can: we have spent lots of time talking with her, we follow through when we say we will, etc but this is a child who just doesn't respond to the things others say she will respond to.

 

Yesterday, in an effort to give her individual attention, I spent a long time playing a favorite game with her and her alone. after 2 hours of playing the game, when I suggested it was time to get ready for dinner, the waterworks and whining began immediately. We had been having a great time and as soon as it was something she didn't want, it was the end of the world. All that fun time we had together evaporated, and for what? We don't reward that behavior so I don't know why she does it.

 

This is also a child who doesn't seem to respond to punishment like other kids do, I guess. She doesn't seem to have the maturity to consider consequences before action. As an example, if her room is messy and we have to spend part of her free time cleaning it up, and we do that 10 times, it doesn't sink in the 11th time. She still does the same thing. I don't think it's defiant or malicious, it's something else. She seems genuinely surprised or bewildered that it's happened again, until she remembers or I remind her of last time. But she doesn't remember ahead of time.

 

There was a time for a few weeks earlier this year when I thought we had turned a corner. She just seemed much better and more cooperative overall and barely cried or whined. Then it disappeared. But I know she can do it, at least for a few weeks.

 

In the last couple of weeks she has called herself stupid. I have no idea where this comes from and when I asked her she said it came from herself. She's an advanced reader and does great in math and writing. We give her the freedom to create many artistic projects and we encourage effort and risk-taking and deal positively with making mistakes. We show our kids tons of affection.

 

I honestly don't know what to do with this child. She is bright and is very artistic and creative. I started this post thinking I would get people's opinions of what to do about the class, but now I'm wondering about what approach to take with this child.

 

Sorry for the vent and the grammar. Today's whining, even though she intellectually knows once she gets to class she'll have fun, drove me over a cliff.

 

:cursing:

 

The drama thing can really grind you down. Unfortunately, I don't think there's any surefire cure for it except time and maturity. It's not unusual for a 7 y.o. to not be able to  change her emotional behavior just because it hasn't helped her get what she wants in the past. That requires a lot of emotional maturity, and most kids that age aren't really that able to hold things together just because a behavior hasn't been rewarded. Some, though not all, kids will be better able to hold it together if they've learned that throwing a dramatic fit has a consistent consequence. Consistency on your part and growing up on her part are about all that can help.

 

However, I feel like in regard to the bolded above, I need to gently point out that this strikes me as an unreasonable expectation. She's 7. Most kids that age can't clean their rooms on their own. Some can, but it's far from the norm. I'd focus on helping her develop this skill and try not to be disappointed that she's not there yet.

 

...

 

We clean together as mentioned above, each morning as part of our chores, but sometimes she has to clean outside of that time if she's made a mess and we're having company or something. I took photos of the clean room she can refer to. I've decluttered a lot of her stuff so it would be easier for her. I do agree though that she doesn't think it's messy, and it isn't all the time. Sometimes it only takes a couple of minutes, other times longer.

 

 

Thanks, I'll check it out.

 

Again, I really don't think that most kids that age can look at photos of a clean room and use that to clean theirs. She's already shown that she tends to get overwhelmed emotionally very easily. Looking at the contrast between her clean room and the way it is could easily be too overwhelming for her. Checklists are much easier for kids (and for a lot of adults!) because they can see the individual tasks that need to be completed. I've had the most success with the most detailed checklists. Break the task down into very small parts (like "nightstand top clear except for lamp" rather than "clear all horizontal surfaces").

 

:grouphug:

[JoJosMom]

Have a look at this:

http://thechildwhisperer.com/getting-started/

I found being able to identify my children's primary types (and mine!!!) helped a lot in being able to interact with them in a way that works for them.  There are a couple of types that tend to cry more easily than others, you might be dealing with one of them?

 

Regarding things like mess...rather than viewing the cleanup during free time as "punishment" (since that clearly isn't working anyway...) build it in as more of a routine.  Just make it "clean-up time, then free time".  Or build "clean-up time" somewhere else into the schedule.

 

Not the OP and not the same issues here but, WOW.  Thanks for the link!

[idnib]

The drama thing can really grind you down. Unfortunately, I don't think there's any surefire cure for it except time and maturity. It's not unusual for a 7 y.o. to not be able to  change her emotional behavior just because it hasn't helped her get what she wants in the past. That requires a lot of emotional maturity, and most kids that age aren't really that able to hold things together just because a behavior hasn't been rewarded. Some, though not all, kids will be better able to hold it together if they've learned that throwing a dramatic fit has a consistent consequence. Consistency on your part and growing up on her part are about all that can help.

 

However, I feel like in regard to the bolded above, I need to gently point out that this strikes me as an unreasonable expectation. She's 7. Most kids that age can't clean their rooms on their own. Some can, but it's far from the norm. I'd focus on helping her develop this skill and try not to be disappointed that she's not there yet.

 

 

Again, I really don't think that most kids that age can look at photos of a clean room and use that to clean theirs. She's already shown that she tends to get overwhelmed emotionally very easily. Looking at the contrast between her clean room and the way it is could easily be too overwhelming for her. Checklists are much easier for kids (and for a lot of adults!) because they can see the individual tasks that need to be completed. I've had the most success with the most detailed checklists. Break the task down into very small parts (like "nightstand top clear except for lamp" rather than "clear all horizontal surfaces").

 

:grouphug:

 

Thanks. Yes, my expectations of her being able to understand even consistent consequences seems to be too high. I guess I'm spoiled by my super-complaint DS.

 

She doesn't clean the room on her own anymore unless it's just a few obvious items. Because the kids play in each other's rooms a lot, DS, DD, and I clean both his and her bedrooms each morning. Ds doesn't really need the help at all and can change sheets, vacuum, etc but he's interested in fairness more than ability.

[jenn-]

 

The classes are pre-paid through December. I'd have to get the contract out to find the exact date. She says the classes are getting hard for her but it's hard to tell. For example, yesterday before she headed out she said they were too hard and she hadn't learned anything she needed for the next belt. When she got home, she was excited because she's ready for that next belt.  :confused1:  I asked her when the last time was that it was easy and she said answered with a belt that was several belts ago, but she's gotten the subsequent belts in normal time frames. There's a girl who's a black belt we see sometimes and DD really admires her and wants to be like her. I'm confused.

 

Last night I asked her if she replaced martial arts with another sport, what would it be? She said soccer, because it's much easier. I told her it was more physically rigorous and in addition to practices, she would have weekend games, which is more time than she spends on martial arts, so she said she didn't want soccer anymore.

 

Well it definitely doesn't get easier the further along you get.  Do you think that her instructor is pushing her into her new belts too quickly?  I am quick to hold mine back at testing if they truly are not ready for the next level.

[cintinative]

I have recently read Smart but Scattered and some of these issues sound executive skill related--emotional control, task initiation, sustained attention, flexibility

 

I hate to send another book your way since you already seem to have several good ones recommended to you. I am just wondering if using the charts and information in Smart but Scattered might help the OP. Hive, what do you think?

 

 

these are some slides to give you an idea of what is in the book

http://www.slideshare.net/mscabbot/smart-but-scattered

 

[idnib]

Well it definitely doesn't get easier the further along you get.  Do you think that her instructor is pushing her into her new belts too quickly?  I am quick to hold mine back at testing if they truly are not ready for the next level.

 

I haven't noticed that yet. They basically don't test a student until they know they can pass. I'll ask DH, he's the one who handles most of that activity.

 

I have recently read Smart but Scattered and some of these issues sound executive skill related--emotional control, task initiation, sustained attention, flexibility

 

I hate to send another book your way since you already seem to have several good ones recommended to you. I am just wondering if using the charts and information in Smart but Scattered might help the OP. Hive, what do you think?

 

 

these are some slides to give you an idea of what is in the book

http://www.slideshare.net/mscabbot/smart-but-scattered

 

Thanks. I looked over the slides and some of them seem to apply, but not many. She's not really scattered, she can focus for long periods of time.

[Jean in Newcastle]

People with ADHD can focus for long periods of time - if it is something that interests them.   (Just as an aside.  I don't know if your particular daughter is ADHD.)