Helping during grief

[BigMamaBird]

Hi folks,

 

This issue has really been nagging at me.  I feel like I should be doing more to help, but I just don't know how.  Maybe you all can throw some wisdom my way.

 

About six weeks ago my oldest two kids started piano lessons with a young neighbor.  He's brilliant.  Dual enrolled at State college at 15, studied piano at Julliard, got his Masters at Harvard, working on his Doctorate in some sort of Math I can't even begin to fathom.  He's very friendly and encouraging but also quite scattered, sort of like a kind Sheldon.  Two years ago his Dad passed away VERY quickly from ALS and his Mom has been battling cancer since he was 9.  She just passed away less than two weeks ago.  

 

At first he had the chaos of funeral plans to keep him busy and the swirl of family around him.  But now he just seems to be rattling around in his house all alone.  A friend of mine has children who are also taking lessons and she called me from their house yesterday asking if I had any spaghetti.  He had been living off of cheese and bacon dip from a crockpot and boxed wine.  So she made him some dinner and I sent down a tater tot casserole too.  Her and I then had plans to go to shopping at the mall and she invited him along.  He seemed completely stoned the entire time.  My friend suspects he's been prescribed some medication and the wine was having an interaction.  

 

I just don't know how to help at this point.  He doesn't seem to have a close relationship with his only brother who is married and has a wife for emotional support.  He's got an aunt in the area and she stayed there last week, but the way he talked about it, she was driving him crazy.  There are never any cars down there, he's never spoken about friends.  I'm home HSing all day and part of says to invite him down to hang out, but another, much louder part says that's creepy.  If I were a 36 year old man and he a 23 year old woman that would be completely squinky.  I try to listen to that inner voice.  But at the same time this whole situation is just so upsetting to watch.  

 

My friend is much more outspoken and blunt, so she has taken the reins so to speak.  But she has her own kids and lives 20 minutes away.   I feel like I should be doing more.  I just don't know what.  I helped out during the funeral.  Then made him some bread that the kids delivered with some Valentine's.  But it all seems so hollow.  He REALLY needs help.  He's adrift right now.  I don't know if I should butt in and call the parish where they held the funeral and see if there's someone out there who can come out and talk to him?  He doesn't seem to have embraced a faith and I don't want to put my nose in where it's not wanted.

 

The whole problem is I really don't know him.  But at the same time, in his grief he's expressed some raw emotions about how his Mom was his best friend, how he doesn't understand why crappy parents live forever and his are gone, etc.  I needs some suggestions about how to appropriately reach out and help here.  I'm very worried for him.  I know it's still the early stages of grief and there's probably a lot going on that I don't see.  But I feel like I should be doing more.  But at the same time I don't want to be my nose in where it doesn't belong.  

 

Wow.  That got a lot longer than I expected.  Thanks for letting me download.

[BigMamaBird]

Something else to add.  I've got a baby due in six weeks.  So I want to help out by going down there and doing laundry or cleaning or something, but honestly, that's not really getting done at my house at this point.  Bending and lifting are not my favorite activities right now!  So I feel like that's limiting me too.  And we're under a blanket of snow with a 1 degree temperature today, so it's not like I can invite him out on a walk with the kids!

 

grrrrrrrrrrr.

[Mama Geek]

If your dh is home in the evenings can you have him over for dinner on a nightly basis for awhile?  That would give him a good meal a day and someone to talk too.

[Jen in NY]

You are sooooo kind to think about this. I don't think the entire thing needs to rest upon your shoulders, but just doing small things is very kind. Mama Geek's idea is a good one.... can he come for dinner.... even just for a week? Maybe it would help the clouds lift if he had something regular to look forward to every day for a few days in a row.

 

I wonder if you could arrange a recital for your homeschooling group? Even just a small one in your home..... with a small number of young audience members. It might lift his spirits and remind him how powerfully positive music can be to have a slew of amazed ten year olds sitting at his feet as he plays.

 

 

[PrincessMommy]

I was thinking the same things as Mama Geek.  Have him over for dinner. Maybe have a standing dinner night with him. 

 

Agreeing with you that it *is* hard to know what to do. 

[Pawz4me]

I don't think there's anything "squinky" about inviting him over for dinner.  It's not like you're going to be alone with him.  Even if your DH isn't home, your kids will be, won't they?

 

It's so kind of you to be concerned about him.  I personally wouldn't let worries about "squinkiness" get in the way of that.

[unsinkable]

I wouldn't worry about being inappropriate in the sense of any Mrs. Robinson stuff. I understand some people won't be around the opposite sex alone but it isn't an issue with me. I don't think it is creepy at all for you to invite him over to spend time with your family when your DH isn't there.

 

So that being said...find a time that you can give him an open invitation to come over. Like, "Bill, we eat lunch every day at 12 and then the kids watch a history video. I'd love for you to stop by and eat with us and stay for the video." Then ask, "is it OK if I call to check in on you and remind you?"

 

Obviously, I don't know your schedule so I don't know what would work. Sometimes being around people doing ordinary things is soothing.

[J-rap]

Wow, I feel so sorry for him!!  He sounds like he really needs help, and is pretty alone.  I really like others' suggestions of starting out by having a standing dinner with him once week.  You wouldn't have to treat him like a special guest, just as part of the family.  That might help him out immensely, and as you get to know him better, you will probably think of other ways to help him, maybe connecting him to a local grief support group or young adult group somewhere. 

 

I wonder if you could also get ahold of his other students' families, and see if everyone can bring him dinner once/week for a month or so, maybe on the day of their lessons. 

[katilac]

I will be the horrible person who says that I would never issue a standing or open invitation  :blushing:

 

Invite him over for dinner? Yes. Bake him some cookies? Yes. 

 

But I'd not say he was welcome to come over any old day for lunch and a visit, and I wouldn't set up an 'every Wednesday' dinner kind of thing. Granted, I'm not that social, and I don't want to host anybody that often, but definitely not somebody I barely know. I don't think it's creepy, just awkward and hard to find a breaking point for. 

 

Be kind, be friendly, bring him food, definitely. He is very young to have lost both parents, and I would not be surprised at an extended or deep grieving process. If you can, try to drop off a casserole or something when you have time to stay a while if he seems inclined to talk or want company (and if he doesn't, that's fine as well). 

 

I'd try to talk to any family members that come visit, try to give a head's up that perhaps he isn't coping well. If you don't have the chance for that, I'd consider calling the church and seeing if perhaps they would call the brother or aunt. 

[Liz CA]

Once or twice a week dinner invitation sounds nice. This would give him something to look forward to. In terms of what to say, just being there and showing empathy is likely the most helpful - it is to me when I am experiencing loss. Eventually, he would do well to get out and see some friends or make some friends. Bless you for looking for ways to help while you have your own life and baby due as well.

[Happy]

I think dinner a night or two a week would give structure to his life. He just sounds adrift--he just needs some direction and companionship until he finds his way. (I'm thinking all kinds of metaphors--he needs a flashlight and a map...or a compass. Maybe a life raft and a sail...)

 

I heartily agree with his thoughts on losing his wonderful parents. Been there, done that. It does suck--especially if no one else he knows has lost important people in their lives. It's an incredibly alone feeling. I had a strong husband and all his wonderful family and it was still HARD.

 

Give him a hug from me.

[BigMamaBird]

I will be the horrible person who says that I would never issue a standing or open invitation  :blushing:

 

Invite him over for dinner? Yes. Bake him some cookies? Yes. 

 

But I'd not say he was welcome to come over any old day for lunch and a visit, and I wouldn't set up an 'every Wednesday' dinner kind of thing. Granted, I'm not that social, and I don't want to host anybody that often, but definitely not somebody I barely know. I don't think it's creepy, just awkward and hard to find a breaking point for. 

 

Be kind, be friendly, bring him food, definitely. He is very young to have lost both parents, and I would not be surprised at an extended or deep grieving process. If you can, try to drop off a casserole or something when you have time to stay a while if he seems inclined to talk or want company (and if he doesn't, that's fine as well). 

 

I'd try to talk to any family members that come visit, try to give a head's up that perhaps he isn't coping well. If you don't have the chance for that, I'd consider calling the church and seeing if perhaps they would call the brother or aunt. 

 

You're definitely NOT horrible!  That's sort of where I'm at right now.  I take a long time to form attachments to people and I get all anxious having Others in my home.  I'm a homebody and enjoy my alone time.  I also don't take social cues well and don't want to overstep boundaries and "help" too much.

 

At this point I've invited my outgoing friend and her family over for one of our re-occurring game nights.  We're going to invite the young guy and try to divert him for an evening.  I'm going to make up an extra pan of lasagna for him to take home.  Maybe invite him out to our son's Cub Scout pancake dinner on Saturday. 

 

It's just a trifecta of awkwardness for me.  I don't know how to relate to college age young men.  I don't know how to relate to geniuses.  And I don't know how to relate to people who have lost their parents.  Add them all together and I'm just sort of spinning my wheels here.  

 

Thank you for all your advice!  I can use all the help I can get!

[Alicia64]

I could get hit hard for this, but I'm married to an Aspie and he sounds like he might have some Aspie to him. They're incredibly sweet people, but have a hard time showing it.

 

And usually when they're young. . .  they did show their sweetness and were bullied or made of fun.

 

I love the idea of calling the parish and getting them involved. I would really stress to them how serious the situation is.

 

If that particular parish doesn't seem to get it, I'd call another parish and explain the situation to them and also explain that you're expecting and can't do a lot.

 

Is inviting him over for dinner too much for you right now?

 

If you can, you might even give him jobs to do so that he can feel somewhat helpful. Just a thought: like watch your kids for 1/2 hr. while you run to the store for milk. (Unless, of course, his meds are up too high.)

 

Gosh. . . did his mom not help to prepare him? I wonder what kind of instructions/suggestions she made?

 

The poor guy. Now I won't stop thinking about him.

 

Alley

[BigMamaBird]

I could get hit hard for this, but I'm married to an Aspie and he sounds like he might have some Aspie to him. They're incredibly sweet people, but have a hard time showing it.

 

And usually when they're young. . .  they did show their sweetness and were bullied or made of fun.

 

I love the idea of calling the parish and getting them involved. I would really stress to them how serious the situation is.

 

If that particular parish doesn't seem to get it, I'd call another parish and explain the situation to them and also explain that you're expecting and can't do a lot.

 

Is inviting him over for dinner too much for you right now?

 

If you can, you might even give him jobs to do so that he can feel somewhat helpful. Just a thought: like watch your kids for 1/2 hr. while you run to the store for milk. (Unless, of course, his meds are up too high.)

 

Gosh. . . did his mom not help to prepare him? I wonder what kind of instructions/suggestions she made?

 

The poor guy. Now I won't stop thinking about him.

 

Alley

 

I wonder about the Aspie bit myself.  When I was describing him to my Mom I mentioned that he acted a lot like a very kind, friendly Sheldon from Big Bang, who I assume is portraying Aspergers.  

 

I want to call the parish but I don't know if that's overstepping boundaries.  After what I saw last night though, I'm really worried about him and am sort of weighing whether to overstep rather than wake up someday with an ambulance there.

 

From what he's said, his folks were really great people.   His Dad was one of the first people to stop by and welcome us to the neighborhood.  When his Dad was diagnosed with ALS they assumed he'd outlive the Mom but it took him in six weeks.  He's put his whole life on hold to deal with this.  Put his Doctorate program on an indefinite hold.  No employment other than piano lessons.  He spent all his time caring for his Mom in the last few weeks.  He did ramble on quite a bit about legal issues, having to go to Probate, neither him nor his brother named as beneficiaries, having to pay for funeral costs.  It was hard to listen to.  

[Elisabet1]

((((Hugs))))

[Susan C.]

It sounds like he wants easy things to prepare for meals. Maybe take single servings out of your meals and freeze them in containers you don't care if you get back? Then take several to him at a time. We did that when my grandma was alive so she didn't have to cook for one all the time.

[Excelsior! Academy]

Treating him regularly to a private dinner in a secluded restaurant would be creepy.  Inviting him over to hang out occasionally during the day or even a standing Friday night pizza and games with the family isn't.  Invite him as often as you feel comfortable, but don't cross the line into a standing, open-ended invite.  It will be much easier to shift gears if the situation or comfort levels change.

[Danestress]

My husband was widowed young and in a time in his life when he did not have a lot of 'local community' type support. He didn't really need people to talk about grief with so much, but he has told me how hard it was to be alone and not have anyone to just talk about his day with. He didn't have anyone to watch a tv show with, share the amusing parts of his day with, or ask him what he had planned for the next day - just that easy casual company. Those of us who were class mates were busy students and weren't in the 'take a guy a casserole' mind set.

 

I would absolutely reach out. Even though it might raise eyebrows from busy bodies, I would worry less about the 'creepy' factor than I would worry about him and his loneliness and grief. I think it seems much less creepy than if your genders were reversed. I wouldn't be spending time alone with him, but I would try to have him over some, invite him to dinner or a movie with DH and I, offer to help him with practical life stuff. I would take food over often and I would ask here and there how things are going, if the paperwork is overwhelming (it is!), if he would like help with sorting through his mother's things, if he is sleeping.

 

I Think it is entirely possible that part of his distracted nature could be because he has been stressed, overwhelmed and anxious - probably for a couple of years. And it sounds like he is self medicating:(

 

Anyway, each person's needs are different. Most adults don't really want family to stay long, even if they are lonely at times. But if you know he isn't eating well. I can't see how food would hurt. Just take food when your kids go down for lessons. I would keep an eye, though, on whether he seems sober. I wouldn't want my kids down there with a guy who is stoned. But I also wouldn't want to think that if I died, peole would fail to offer kindness, support and food to my sons.

[happi duck]

I agree with bringing food to lessons and casual invites.

 

I wanted to add this : continue to be open to listening about his parents...it helps me when I can tell a story about my parents.

[lewber]

This is really really sad. Thank you for helping him! It's an incredibly kind thing to do. I can understand all of your issues - they would be mine too - but you are doing the right thing to care and act. I think your idea for dinner and a game night is perfect. I also think if you know other families he teaches it would be nice if they could all bring food on the days he teaches. You just always feel better when you are eating well. 
I also like the idea of him giving a little concert - but maybe that is selfish on my part. It sounds like it would be wonderful to listen to! 

Everything about dealing with parents' deaths is hard - and the paperwork is overwhelming. And all the logistics of the house, the clothes, the photos, the memories. It's so much to do - and to be alone doing it would be so rough.

When I m challenged to do things like this - outside my comfort zone, I always think - I will not regret trying. I will regret doing nothing. He sounds like he could really use the help.

I do agree -no standing invitation as tempting as it would be. Better to keep it fluid. 

Good luck! 

 

[BigMamaBird]

 

When I m challenged to do things like this - outside my comfort zone, I always think - I will not regret trying. I will regret doing nothing. He sounds like he could really use the help.

 

You have all been wonderfully encouraging and helpful. Thank you.

 

This quote especially, I will keep in my head the next few weeks.