JumpyTheFrog Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 Tigger is 8 and prone to drama, often turning little things into big deals. He is very extroverted and tends to be oblivious, and as such, makes noises of anger, frustration, or irritation about every little thing. I am an introvert who hates drama and noise and am tired of constantly feeling assaulted by his moods. When he isn't yelling AT me, he is still making all these noises and hearing them dozens of times during school is driving me crazy. Today I pointed out several times the groans and growls and of course he doesn't believe me. He often doesn't pay any attention to what he's saying, so of course the sheer volume of complaining noises goes completely unnoticed by him, while it drains me. He probably thinks I'm being mean or picking on him, but his drama truly is over the top and will work against him in life if he doesn't get it under control. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
strange_girl Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 I could have written that post. My 7-year-old is just exactly that way. No advice, but (((hugs))). We'll get through this stage. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JumpyTheFrog Posted December 30, 2014 Author Share Posted December 30, 2014 I wonder if I should record him during school so he can count how many times he does it. We give him lots of "re-dos" to say things politely instead of being mouthy or yelling, but he needs to get the exasperated sighs and things under control too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 When dd16 went through a whiny phase about the same age..... I put a piece of blank paper on the fridge and every single time she whined she had to stop whatever she was doing immediately and go put a hash mark on the paper. If she whined about having to make the mark, she made a mark for that too. For her, it only took a couple of days for her to be able to see how much she was whining and by me interrupting her activity to make her get up and make the mark, it offered a slight consequence but nothing over the top. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ocelotmom Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 My DS does the same thing. He'll sit there and mutter away about how awful and unfair something is, and then act surprised that I can hear him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 My oldest is turning 17 in Feb. He has always been this way. But he suffers from depression and I worry that making a bigger deal out of it will just make it worse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JumpyTheFrog Posted December 30, 2014 Author Share Posted December 30, 2014 Between being young, oblivious, drama-prone, and an extrovert with no filter, it's like listening into the thoughts of someone stuck in a "woe is me cycle." Maybe I'll try the paper on the fridge idea. It's tough trying to teach him to save the noises for bigger problems. He doesn't get that all the endless whining and complaining means we never know when to take him seriously. A few months ago he was throwing fits abouts us brushing his teeth and eventually we realize he had a gum infection. We never thought to check though because he spends so much time fighting us about little things that there was no indication that there was an actual, as opposed to imagined, problem. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JumpyTheFrog Posted December 30, 2014 Author Share Posted December 30, 2014 My oldest is turning 17 in Feb. He has always been this way. But he suffers from depression and I worry that making a bigger deal out of it will just make it worse. Today during Tigger's math when he was making the frustrated noises after only five seconds of trying something new, I told him, "Instead of thinking 'This is impossible,' you need to tell yourself, 'This may be tricky, but if I am persisent, I can figure it out.'" Maybe if I repeat it ten billion times over the next decade it will start to sink in. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 I'm not sure this is a "vert" thing. My introvert dh is the one who used to have the bad habit of making noises that drove me nuts and caused me stress. (Fwiw, I fall in the middle of the "vert" scale just slightly toward extravert.) Imho, it is a habit not an innate characteristic. The tally mark idea upthread sounds good. With dh once he knew his "arrgghh" type noises caused me stress he worked at stopping. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Critterfixer Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 My two are not very intense, but they do have their whining moments. I set a cup for both of them on the table before school and put four beads in each. Those are their four free complaints. Any complaint with merit doesn't come out of that jar. I am always willing to listen to a complaint with a point. But "Aw, why do I have to do math! I hate math!" is met with a smile from me and an extended hand. They don't like losing the free complaints. Anything over the four I grant them at the beginning of the school day has to be paid for. I have a rotating list of chores that I take in payment for complaints, but so far my baseboards are still not cleaned. So far the system seems to be working. It relieves me from feeling upset about the whining, gives them a visual of how much complaining they are doing, and seems to prevent excess whining. A complaint with merit might be "Math is taking a long time!" Then we can talk about whether we need to take a break, or if we might need to spend less time looking out the window, etc. No one loses a bead for making a complaint that might have a doable solution. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 Between being young, oblivious, drama-prone, and an extrovert with no filter, it's like listening into the thoughts of someone stuck in a "woe is me cycle." Maybe I'll try the paper on the fridge idea. It's tough trying to teach him to save the noises for bigger problems. He doesn't get that all the endless whining and complaining means we never know when to take him seriously. A few months ago he was throwing fits abouts us brushing his teeth and eventually we realize he had a gum infection. We never thought to check though because he spends so much time fighting us about little things that there was no indication that there was an actual, as opposed to imagined, problem. Yes! We try to explain this to my daughter, and she's like--but they are problems. This kid has the pain tolerance of a gnat. I never know if she is dying or if she just wants attention. It is impossible to tell. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lea_lpz Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 My son is like this! It drives me up the walls. I am glad it's not just me. I have tried several things to no avail . I am all ears baby! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suzanne in ABQ Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 My son was like that. I instituted an allowance for him. But, instead of tying it to chores, I tied it to attitude. It was similar to the bead idea upthread, but I used money (the language he understood well). I gave him a dollar every morning. I withdrew part of it every time he whined or complained. He got to keep whatever was left at the end of the day. You could do it with dimes in a jar, or quarters, depending on how much whining you were willing to put up with. Or, you could just keep a log on paper (that's what I did -- I never seem to have cash on hand). Oh, I just remembered another thing we did. This was back in the days of VHS tapes, so you'd have to update it for your dc. Ds would pretend he had a VHS player in his stomach. When he was feeling especially whiny or grumpy, I'd suggest that he "change his tape". He'd go through the motions of pushing a "Stop" button on his ribs, taking the invisible "Whiny Boy" tape out, and putting his "Happy Boy" tape in. Then, he'd hit the "Play" button and put a smile on his face. Sounds silly, but it worked! He's 17 now, but I can still get him to chuckle when he's down by suggesting that maybe he should change his tape. Oh, and money is still his favorite language. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grover Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 oh wow, thank you for this thread. You have no idea how much I needed to hear that I am not alone with this today. I was ready to walk out the door and not come back for a good long time when my DH got home tonight. I am so over this right now, it is cutting right to the quick and I am not dealing well with it at ALL. Mine goe off into these irrational rants and mutterings about whatever thing it is that has upset him. Couple this with OUTSTANDING levels of helplessness (wave hand at package, "can I have some help to open this") and complete inability to follow instructions (I can't do this task, "read the instructions" <glance at instructions> I still can't do this task) tears, tantrums and sheer fecklessness I am ready to POP. so, yeah, thanks. p.s. DS reminds me of this when he stomps off muttering... except more annoying: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 I'm not sure this is a "vert" thing. My introvert dh is the one who used to have the bad habit of making noises that drove me nuts and caused me stress. (Fwiw, I fall in the middle of the "vert" scale just slightly toward extravert.) I agree. I observe a lot more optimistic extroverts and pessimistic introverts, so I doubt that's it. Some people are just complainers. He may outgrow it. He may not. I see no harm in trying to coax him into a sunnier disposition either way. I hate that there is no manual for kids. Sometimes it feels like nurture counts for nothing. They're just so hard-wired to be their own inflexible selves. Whoever said that old people are set in their ways must have never worked with children. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joyofsixreboot Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 Ok, I might be your kid. Honestly, it's like if i can't verbally/audibly emote it i don't think it. I get it's driving you crazy. Can you excuse yourself "I need a beak" or ask him to go express himself upstairs? While I have learned not to yell" That's the stupidest thing I ever heard." In business meetings ( I'm still noisy) as a kid no amount of punishment mattered. I had to become mature enough to understand time and place. Now, noises and talking are different from whining because you don't want to do something. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
matrips Posted January 1, 2015 Share Posted January 1, 2015 I've got one of these as well. The other day we did something he wanted to do and he found a way to still whine and escalate drama within minutes. Is it just attention seeking? It drives me nuts, the sheer amount of it. But so glad I'm not alone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reflections Posted January 1, 2015 Share Posted January 1, 2015 It's so nice (not) to know that there are others out there that are just pulling their hair out over this. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freesia Posted January 1, 2015 Share Posted January 1, 2015 For my ds, it helped to not be an audience. I tried coaching him through it for a couple of years. Nothing worked until I started sending him to his room--calmly. "I'm sorry, you can't work in the room with me when you are fussing." That worked as long as I stayed calm. It took a few days--and much drama from the bedroom, but now I just ask, "Do you want to work somewhere else?" and he stops. It's okay to set boundaries. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted January 1, 2015 Share Posted January 1, 2015 There is a CBT workbook about negativity. It's called What to Do When You Grumble too Much or something. http://www.dawnhuebnerphd.com/GrumbleTooMuch.aspx So glad you posted this. We love those books, and they are very effective here. Off to order for my drama boy. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momacacia Posted January 1, 2015 Share Posted January 1, 2015 Oh wait, this isn't a thread for the parents?? ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted January 1, 2015 Share Posted January 1, 2015 I haven't used the grumble too much book, but seconding it just based on how good the others in the series are. I like the idea of tallying it. He needs to get aware of it. And it's not really okay. But... several thoughts... My experience with anxiety and negative behaviors is that just nipping the the behavior in the bud without the root cause is really like cutting off the hydra's head. You're really just growing more heads. Very counterproductive. With that in mind, I wouldn't focus on the grumbling as much as getting him to say positive things. Like, before you start math, he has to say three positive things about the math. They could be his own ("Yesterday, I finished super fast!") or they can be canned things you have at the ready ("If I do my best, I can do this." ... or whatever he needs - that you're there to help, that it only lasts twenty minutes, whatever...). Have him say them no matter what. If he says something negative, have him say something positive to counteract it. Also, I think a lot of this is just the age. I noticed how much more my kids were able to be self-aware of noise from the time they were about 7 yo to the time they were 9 yo. So, really, the complete not awareness thing may be near the end of its developmental life. I hope. And finally... for some people, verbally expressing frustration is something they need. He may need to be able to blow off the steam of frustration by vocalizing it. And if so, I get that that runs counter to your needs, but maybe you can work with him on a single or just a couple of things he can say. Like, maybe he can make up a word that means, "I'm trying but it's hard!" for him. Or maybe he can just say, "I'm frustrated!" No more grunts. Or... maybe he can work independently for a short time in another room where he can be as vocal as he needs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted January 1, 2015 Share Posted January 1, 2015 Yelling would be my focus...Some kids and even grown ups like to fuss, moan and groan. I've always allowed for my kids not to like doing chores, school or other must dos. I'm okay with that, but yelling would be a deal breaker for me. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suzanne in ABQ Posted January 1, 2015 Share Posted January 1, 2015 I just remembered another thing I did with my son (besides the Happy Boy tape thing and the cash incentive to have a positive attitude). When he felt grumbly and/or whiny, I'd have him think of "Five Gratefuls". He would stop whatever he was doing, and come up with five things he was grateful for. It helped him reboot, in a way, and was generally effective in turning him around. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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