Katy Posted November 14, 2014 Share Posted November 14, 2014 Wait, FIL has capacity yet needs to be in a memory unit? From what you've said, it's time for someone to get guardianship, which is of course, more stress, but dealing with financial abuse after the fact is another kind of stress. I'm so sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted November 14, 2014 Author Share Posted November 14, 2014 Wait, FIL has capacity yet needs to be in a memory unit? From what you've said, it's time for someone to get guardianship, which is of course, more stress, but dealing with financial abuse after the fact is another kind of stress. I'm so sorry. FIL is less impaired than MIL. He would probably be fine in assisted living at this point even though he does have Alzheimers. MIL definitely belongs in the memory unit and would not be safe in assisted living. They want to live together. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too Posted November 14, 2014 Share Posted November 14, 2014 If he has a diagnosis of Alzheimers, perhaps you could call his doctor and share your concern about his driving? It was my FIL's doctor that first noticed his memory issues and notified the DMV and Adult Protective Services. We had been estranged from my FIL for many years, so we were unaware of it until we were notified by Adult Protective Services. We don't have guardianship, but my FIL was picked up by the police based on guidance from APS. He was hospitalized and diagnosed with dementia by a psychologist. She formally stated in writing that he could not live alone and needed 24/7 care. BTW, he could maintain a facade that he was with it, but if you spent more than 15 minutes with him, he'd start repeating his conversation - like a recording. His lifestyle (Chronic alcoholic)and his symptoms pointed to Korsakoff's Syndrome. Dh has both financial and heath power of attorney. FIL knew something was wrong with him and had these documents prepared as well as a will. Perhaps you could engage his doctor and Adult Protective Services and see what you can do at this point Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Evergreen State Sue Posted November 14, 2014 Share Posted November 14, 2014 We knew an elderly couple where the wife needed to be in a memory unit and the husband was able to be in the assisted living portion of the same facility. He could walk over to the other building and stay with his wife every day, but sleep in his room. Is that an option? Blessings to you and your family, Jean, for taking care of your family the best way you can. This really makes me think about not expecting my children to take care of me to the point that it disrupts their family life and ask them to care for me medically beyond their abilities. I guess we all have to make a plan for our elderly years. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustEm Posted November 14, 2014 Share Posted November 14, 2014 Jean, if your dh and sil have power of attorney over your parents I believe they can legally sell your fil's car and hence not have to deal with his driving issue. They would also have to make it so he is not able to access his own money so he can't just purchase a new one. I believe they would be able to do so since they have power of attorney. I Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted November 14, 2014 Author Share Posted November 14, 2014 We knew an elderly couple where the wife needed to be in a memory unit and the husband was able to be in the assisted living portion of the same facility. He could walk over to the other building and stay with his wife every day, but sleep in his room. Is that an option? Blessings to you and your family, Jean, for taking care of your family the best way you can. This really makes me think about not expecting my children to take care of me to the point that it disrupts their family life and ask them to care for me medically beyond their abilities. I guess we all have to make a plan for our elderly years. He was offered that as an option. He turned it down. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted November 14, 2014 Author Share Posted November 14, 2014 Update; They are staying for now. FIL is now on an anti-depressant as well. I don't know all the nitty-gritty details as SIL was still with the ILs but those are the broad strokes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted November 14, 2014 Share Posted November 14, 2014 Jean, I hope this transition goes as smoothly as possible, after the bumpy start. Hopefully the new med will help FIL with the adjustment. You have done an amazing job juggling everything. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted November 14, 2014 Author Share Posted November 14, 2014 Jean, I hope this transition goes as smoothly as possible, after the bumpy start. Hopefully the new med will help FIL with the adjustment. You have done an amazing job juggling everything. :grouphug: Thank you, though SIL has really done the bulk of it. I just tried to fill in the blanks with my assigned tasks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shawthorne44 Posted November 14, 2014 Share Posted November 14, 2014 Does FIL realize and accept that one day sometime in the future he won't be able to make important decisions? If so, you could do the paperwork now, with his consent, and file them away until needed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted November 14, 2014 Author Share Posted November 14, 2014 Does FIL realize and accept that one day sometime in the future he won't be able to make important decisions? If so, you could do the paperwork now, with his consent, and file them away until needed. My understanding is that the paperwork is done. We're in a grey area with some things though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Storygirl Posted November 15, 2014 Share Posted November 15, 2014 I'm glad they are deciding to give it a try. From what I understand, it's not unusual for Alzheimer's patients to be on an anti-depressant, by the way. I hope it helps. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lauraw4321 Posted November 15, 2014 Share Posted November 15, 2014 Oh yes, an antidepressant might be very helpful. It helped the transition a lot for my grandmother. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted November 15, 2014 Author Share Posted November 15, 2014 Oh yes, an antidepressant might be very helpful. It helped the transition a lot for my grandmother Ironically (but I don't think this is the right word?) FIL was on an anti-depressant prior to the move but forgot to take it regularly, which as you know is very bad with anti-depressants. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prairiewindmomma Posted November 17, 2014 Share Posted November 17, 2014 Hugs, Jean! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted November 17, 2014 Author Share Posted November 17, 2014 Dh went over there today. MIL is loving it and is making friends. FIL is hating it. But honestly he hated home health care in their home too so it really isn't the place. I was reading something the other day about people who are able to adapt to changes in their life being the happiest and boy, is that the truth! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted November 18, 2014 Share Posted November 18, 2014 So glad MIL is settling in well! Hopefully that will help FIL settle as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted November 18, 2014 Share Posted November 18, 2014 Hopefully, FIL will be able live with MIL being happy and making friends. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G5052 Posted November 18, 2014 Share Posted November 18, 2014 Dh went over there today. MIL is loving it and is making friends. FIL is hating it. But honestly he hated home health care in their home too so it really isn't the place. I was reading something the other day about people who are able to adapt to changes in their life being the happiest and boy, is that the truth! I'm glad that they're settling in, you were on my mind, and I just read through this thread and got caught up. You have MY support, as one who has been there. I can't count how many times I got "armchair" advice that was so, so off base. My favorite was from someone who thought that I should immediately check her out of the dementia unit, fly with her across the country, and take care of her myself. This was after she had beat up multiple workers and friends of hers, had done several thousand dollars of damage to her unit when they told her she had to go to the dementia unit, and after the facility director said that the next step was the state mental hospital if they couldn't get her under control in the dementia unit via behavior management and medication. I also wasn't the legal guardian, and my lawyer recommended not challenging that because she said there was no reason to believe I had any hope in court of overturning whom she had chosen herself. People who haven't been there just don't know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthwestMom Posted November 18, 2014 Share Posted November 18, 2014 People who haven't been there just don't know. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ausmumof3 Posted November 18, 2014 Share Posted November 18, 2014 Dh went over there today. MIL is loving it and is making friends. FIL is hating it. But honestly he hated home health care in their home too so it really isn't the place. I was reading something the other day about people who are able to adapt to changes in their life being the happiest and boy, is that the truth! I've noticed with various couples that women tend to adjust better. I think the group living and community appeals to their social sides. It's a gross generalisation I know. Also I guess if FIL is not as bad as she is he mightn't be seeing the benefits as much. I really hope it all settles down for you soon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted November 18, 2014 Author Share Posted November 18, 2014 Yeah, something just occurred to me. Your FIL is much more with it mentally but is in the memory care unit with her, correct? I know you said he had the option of having a room in the regular section and her in there?? ( Of course that would probably double the expense which may not be possible, plus he would feel like he was abandoning her.) That said, I cannot imagine being of somewhat sound mind and being there all day and night every day. That would be very hard as there are very few people, other than maybe some of the caregivers who often have their hands full with other residents to really engage with in a meaningful way. ( At least if it is a memory care like where my husband's grandmother was..) I could spend a morning or afternoon there, but after that I needed to leave even though all of the people there were sweet. But they had their own reality and didn't have much of a concept of the real world... So, perhaps brainstorm a way that he can get his social needs met. Of course, most of his social needs were probably met by his wife, so that is just going to be hard without his feeling like he is abandoning her.... Such a tough spot. Parenting your parents just sucks!!!!!! Sort of correct. Yes, he is living in the memory care unit with her. And he does eat meals with her in the unit. So mealtimes could be tiresome for him. But he has the code to get outside the unit and uses it every day. He can walk around the entire retirement community and can participate in activities for the independent and assisted living section of the community. He has started to take walks around the community. I hope that some of the activities there (we saw musicians and movies and an exercise room and other interesting things when we walked around) will pique his interest. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twigs Posted November 19, 2014 Share Posted November 19, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmyontheFarm Posted November 19, 2014 Share Posted November 19, 2014 Is FIL a vetern? Maybe he might enjoy meeting other vets. Perhaps a quick word to their Social Director of activities he used to enjoy and I'm sure they have some sort of calendar of different events that will be happening that he could look through. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted November 19, 2014 Author Share Posted November 19, 2014 Not a veteran. Though he went through the war up close. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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