Love this: sex positive parenting

[SKL]

Most parents want to be the first guidance on topics related to sex. I don't think that means to teach masturbation. It's all about the language and tone you use when you respond to anything related to sex. If you see a preschooler doing that and respond in a freaked out manner, you've shut down a lot of future conversations because you've given your preschooler a strong message.

 

Who does that?  I've never heard of anyone in real life doing that.  Especially to a three-year-old.  OK, maybe a lunatic would, but that is a whole different issue.

 

[SKL]

You do realize that article's title not only says teach kids vagina and penis but also vulva?  And, of course, the article discusses this.

 

I'm confused why the word vulva is a pet peeve?

 

You can disagree with the experts on this all you want.  It doesn't change the importance of teaching our children real words for their body parts and not gobbly goop.

 

 

The word "vagina" used in place of "vulva" with little kids is a pet peeve of mine.

 

Hopefully the reason is obvious.

 

[bettyandbob]

Who does that?  I've never heard of anyone in real life doing that.  Especially to a three-year-old.  OK, maybe a lunatic would, but that is a whole different issue.

 

 

Actually, a lot of people. I'm glad you are interacting with people who do not.

[Joanne]

First of all, you are defining "sex positive" to suit yourself, and I don't see how you can claim the research backs you up on a correlation between what Joanne told her kids and the national outcomes relating to sex.  I would define my household and the one I grew up in as "sex positive" too.

 

Secondly, this isn't about abstinence education in public schools, is it?  "Abstinence only" in public schools only exists in certain areas, where there are other factors that could be causative of non-"positive outcomes."  There are plenty of kids who were raised with an abstinence message who have had great outcomes.  Besides, being told that abstaining prevents pregnancy is about as honest and factual as it gets.

 

This is rather convoluted in response to the article and what has been posted in this discussion that I don't know how to respond.

 

It doesn't follow logically, and, well I don't know where to go conversationally from it.

[Scrub Jay]

The word "vagina" used in place of "vulva" with little kids is a pet peeve of mine.

 

Hopefully the reason is obvious.

 

 

You said the opposite in the post I quoted, hence why I was confused.  The author of the article asked her not to play with her vulva at the table.  Not vagina.

 

You said: Actually the OP's linked article is the very first one I've ever seen where a little girl has been taught "vulva" instead of "vagina," and that is a pet peeve of mine.  Which makes it sound as if teaching children what a vulva is vs a vagina is a pet peeve. 

[Joanne]

The word "vagina" used in place of "vulva" with little kids is a pet peeve of mine.

 

Hopefully the reason is obvious.

 

 

Maybe because it is a pet peeve, you are reading INTO this article and discussion instead of what is actually posted.

 

The article clearly outlines she supports accurate anatomy labels.

[SKL]

You can disagree with the experts on this all you want.  It doesn't change the importance of teaching our children real words for their body parts and not gobbly goop.

 

 

This is a widely promoted scare tactic.  If you don't teach your kid to say "vagina" as a tot, she is probably going to be molested, and if she manages to escape that, she will be afraid of healthy sex and probably turn to serial casual lovers or prostitution and end up in the gutter dying of AIDS.

 

It's just a word.  For Pete's sake.  Vaginas are private and little kids don't have filters.  I'm not gonna be scared or bullied into teaching my kids to say "vagina."  Especially since a tot has absolutely no idea - and does not need to know - that there is an opening between the urethra and the anus.

[Trish]

Sounds too much like Volvo.

 

I think it should stay a medical term rather than trying to make it go for mainstream dinner table conversation.

[Scrub Jay]

This is a widely promoted scare tactic.  If you don't teach your kid to say "vagina" as a tot, she is probably going to be molested, and if she manages to escape that, she will be afraid of healthy sex and probably turn to serial casual lovers or prostitution and end up in the gutter dying of AIDS.

 

It's just a word.  For Pete's sake.  Vaginas are private and little kids don't have filters.  I'm not gonna be scared or bullied into teaching my kids to say "vagina."  Especially since a tot has absolutely no idea - and does not need to know - that there is an opening between the urethra and the anus.

 

Can you explain what is wrong with the word vagina? 

 

And no one is bullying you.  You are making a choice to ignore experts' advice and not teach your children accurate words for their body parts.  Do you also teach them silly words for their nose, liver, spine and neck?

 

[SKL]

You said the opposite in the post I quoted, hence why I was confused.  The author of the article asked her not to play with her vulva at the table.  Not vagina.

 

You said: Actually the OP's linked article is the very first one I've ever seen where a little girl has been taught "vulva" instead of "vagina," and that is a pet peeve of mine.  Which makes it sound as if teaching children what a vulva is vs a vagina is a pet peeve. 

 

It is a pet peeve that all the other articles, "progressive" kiddy books, etc. inaccurately use the term "vagina."  The fact that the OP's linked article is the first one that got the term right in all these years is sad.  Get it now?

[Scrub Jay]

It is a pet peeve that all the other articles, "progressive" kiddy books, etc. inaccurately use the term "vagina."  The fact that the OP's linked article is the first one that got the term right in all these years is sad.  Get it now?

 

Yes.  I get that your first post on the subject was not clear.  You have clarified.

 

[SKL]

Maybe because it is a pet peeve, you are reading INTO this article and discussion instead of what is actually posted.

 

The article clearly outlines she supports accurate anatomy labels.

 

No, I am able to read past the term and I am glad she knows the difference between vulva and vagina.  That was actually refreshing.

[SKL]

Can you explain what is wrong with the word vagina? 

 

And no one is bullying you.  You are making a choice to ignore experts' advice and not teach your children accurate words for their body parts.  Do you also teach them silly words for their nose, liver, spine and neck?

 

 

I didn't teach my tots any name for liver because they did not know they had a liver, nor did they need to know it.  Once they need to know it, I will teach them it is a liver, not a kidney.

 

You are putting too much importance on a word.  And "this is what the experts told me to do" does not move me.  I don't look to "experts" to tell me how to communicate with my wee children.  I go by my instinct and my kids' own unique needs.  It seems to have worked for millions of years.

 

What is wrong with the word "vagina"?  Nothing, when said in the appropriate time and place.  Little kids have been known to say it in the wrong time and place and make people embarrassed and uncomfortable.  It is not necessary.  Personally I have never in my entire life had the need to say the word "vagina."  Believe it or not.  So why would my tot need to say it?

[busymama7]

I didn't teach my tots any name for liver because they did not know they had a liver, nor did they need to know it. Once they need to know it, I will teach them it is a liver, not a kidney.

 

You are putting too much importance on a word. And "this is what the experts told me to do" does not move me. I don't look to "experts" to tell me how to communicate with my wee children. I go by my instinct and my kids' own unique needs. It seems to have worked for millions of years.

 

What is wrong with the word "vagina"? Nothing, when said in the appropriate time and place. Little kids have been known to say it in the wrong time and place and make people embarrassed and uncomfortable. It is not necessary. Personally I have never in my entire life had the need to say the word "vagina." Believe it or not. So why would my tot need to say it?

I completly agree with you. Just wanted to say that. Except that I do use the word vagina a lot cause I'm a midwife LOL. But my kids just don't seem traumatized by calling their parts private until they are older. I have heard many many tots blurt out penis/vagina at inappropriate times and I just think it is unneeded. My kids just from growing up with me having babies every couple years and also helping other mamas have quite clear understanding and respect for reproduction. They are good. Not knowing anatomical names at 2 really really did them no harm (my oldest is 17 so not all grown up but I do have 3 past puberty)

[Scrub Jay]

 

 

You are putting too much importance on a word.  And "this is what the experts told me to do" does not move me.  I don't look to "experts" to tell me how to communicate with my wee children.  I go by my instinct and my kids' own unique needs.

 

No, actually, I did not do it because of experts.  Experts just happen to agree with me. ;)

 

[SKL]

No, actually, I did not do it because of experts.  Experts just happen to agree with me. ;)

 

 

If you are doing it because that is what you are comfortable with, that is perfect.  You should also respect others who do things differently for their own reasons.  Leave the experts out of moms' intimate conversations with their wee children.

 

[Scrub Jay]

If you are doing it because that is what you are comfortable with, that is perfect.  You should also respect others who do things differently for their own reasons.  Leave the experts out of moms' intimate conversations with their wee children.

 

 

Really?  You never research how to raise your children or look for others' opinions?  You have all the answers at all times?

 

Honestly, I think many parents, on this topic, just don't think of the ramifications regarding teaching their children goofy words for vagina, penis, etc...  I think it is important to help get the word out how this may be a problem.  Parents aren't being bullied or forced to do anything different.  Just being informed.  They can do with the information however they choose.

 

And if you choose to post on a message board, on whatever topic, that you think experts are wrong in an area then don't be surprised if people respond they think that is wrong. 

 

[Catherine]

Sounds too much like Volvo.

 

I think it should stay a medical term rather than trying to make it go for mainstream dinner table conversation.

"Vulva" is no more a medical term than penis, breast, or heart. It is the actual name of a body part. Really, how can it make any difference if a child says "wiener" instead of "penis" to refer to that part? The mental image is the same. The solution is to work with the child to teach, eventually, which topics are appropriate for public conversations and which are not.

[bolt.]

I also have the pet peve that among people who consider it important to use "correct" terms from a young age, many of them consider vagina the "correct" term for what is actually the vulva. It's ironic.

 

However, I blur the lines. I use "vagina" because it *is* so commonly used inaccurately, that it seems to be a figure of speech, and is therefore the most effective means of communication.

 

I know it's a vulva, just like I know a lot more technical language in my field of study (Christain theology) and my interests (child development, education, sociology) than the average person. When I want to communicate, I tend to use accessible terminology rather than technical language.

 

Therefore, if I want my DD's to be able to tell a barely-post-teen camp counsellor that they have a mosquito bite in an inconvenient location -- it's best if they are in the habit of saying "vagina" (which communicates immediately) instead of "vulva" (which has about a 30% potential of someone saying, "Your what?") -- In spite if the fact that it's an inaccurate figure of speech.

 

(It's the figure if speech where you use the "part" to represent the "whole".)

[SKL]

Really?  You never research how to raise your children or look for others' opinions?  You have all the answers at all times?

 

Honestly, I think many parents, on this topic, just don't think of the ramifications regarding teaching their children goofy words for vagina, penis, etc...  I think it is important to help get the word out how this may be a problem.  Parents aren't being bullied or forced to do anything different.  Just being informed.  They can do with the information however they choose.

 

 

As I said - scare tactics. (The bold.)

 

Regarding how to raise my children, here's my rough hierarchy for sources of wisdom:

• Instinct.  It has kept the human species (and lots of other species) alive for a very long time.  I venture a guess that a scientific study would back the value of instinct if anyone ever did a proper study of it.
• My previous experience with kids.  I helped raise siblings and did a lot of babysitting for others, including being a full-time nanny for 3 little kids.
• My experience with my own parents growing up.
• Logic applied to past studies (I have read a lot about child development over the years).
• If all that isn't working, I ask people whose opinions I value, depending on the issue.  My parents, internet communities I participate in, sometimes a specialist I know.  Of course I don't blindly trust any of them to be right, but I take all their ideas to help guide my thinking.
• General internet research when I am still flailing.  Just to get ideas.  You can never hear too many ideas, if you know how to process them.

By the way, who decides who is an "expert" in child development?  There are all kinds of "experts" and many of them are polar opposites.  Your opinion aligns with some, mine aligns with others, but I don't claim I'm right because my experts are better than yours.

[Catherine]

This is a widely promoted scare tactic.  If you don't teach your kid to say "vagina" as a tot, she is probably going to be molested, and if she manages to escape that, she will be afraid of healthy sex and probably turn to serial casual lovers or prostitution and end up in the gutter dying of AIDS.

I disagree. I can only draw from, um, personal experience. But parental silence on the topic of sex, except to say that it is for grown-ups, can lead to shame. Particularly when it's accompanied by messages, very strong and explicit ones, about cleanliness, smelliness, "bad reputations" and the importance of femininity. Making the words for body parts a cause for shame is easily translated, by a child, into the idea that those parts themselves are shameful.

 

And that kind of shame can play a role in the development of abusive relationships. And that's all I'm gonna say on that topic.

[Scrub Jay]

Still not sure how thinking it is advisable that a child know their actual body parts to be able to communicate something correctly is a scare tactic but to each their own.

[SKL]

FTR my kids say "privates."  If they got a bug bite in an inconvenient location, "on my privates" would do the trick I think.  The camp counselor does not need to know more.  If it is my kid who is allergic to bug bites, she might need to go see the nurse, who would be able to take it from there.  :)

[SKL]

I disagree. I can only draw from, um, personal experience. But parental silence on the topic of sex, except to say that it is for grown-ups, can lead to shame. Particularly when it's accompanied by messages, very strong and explicit ones, about cleanliness, smelliness, "bad reputations" and the importance of femininity. Making the words for body parts a cause for shame is easily translated, by a child, into the idea that those parts themselves are shameful.

 

And that kind of shame can play a role in the development of abusive relationships. And that's all I'm gonna say on that topic.

 

Private does not equal shameful.

 

You're reading a lot into my comments.  I never said parents should be silent on the topic of sex.  I never said a word about cleanliness, smelliness, bad reputations, or femininity.  Using the term "wee wee" or "privates" does not mean any of those things.

[Liz CA]

I didnt think it was super great.  Also my kids never asked any questions.  So that whole line of thinking- that kids are curious and will ask- isnt always true.  And I never had to tell people to stop masturbating at dinner in 17 yrs of parenting.  

 

:lol: :lol:  ...and on that note I have to get ready for work. :lol:

 

[SKL]

I think forcing oneself to use terminology one is not comfortable with is more likely to make kids feel embarrassed and reluctant to bring up related topics in the future.  Kids pick up on the feelings more than the words.

[Catherine]

Private does not equal shameful.

 

You're reading a lot into my comments.  I never said parents should be silent on the topic of sex.  I never said a word about cleanliness, smelliness, bad reputations, or femininity.  Using the term "wee wee" or "privates" does not mean any of those things.

No, I wasn't exactly interpreting your comments, more adding to them. I don't know how you talk to your children, and I wasn't assuming you talk to them in any particular way. IOW, this conversation is not all about you. I was pointing out that children can be shamed very easily, and unintentionally, by a well-intentioned parent who thinks that the actual anatomical names of body parts are somehow wrong. That is all.

[albeto.]

I don't get why that makes a house sex positive.

 

I have boys. I tell them not to do certain things at certain times including playing with penises or picking noses. That is not sex positive it is basic manners.

 

I have told ds7 roughly what happens in sex. He forgot the first time so it can't have made that much impression. The both know about menstruation and a number of other things. I don't see this as needing a name it is just part of teaching your child. And I don't tell them Santa et al are real - we just play the Santa game.

 

"Sex positive" isn't about manners. It isn't about honesty. It isn't about the mechanics of biology. It's a term the author uses to reflect the idea that sexuality is morally neutral, and is treated as such from the very beginning. It isn't "wrong" to stimulate yourself at the table, it's unhygienic and socially inappropriate, and so should stop. But it isn't "wrong" to stimulate yourself. Teaching concepts like masturbation as morally neutral is where the "positive" comes into play. Those of us who grew up in a home where certain lectures were not delivered and yet a particular understanding was endorsed throughout the family will recognize that messages are taught, ideologies are passed on, and formal lessons are not necessary for this. I maintain we all grew up like this. It's how culture is passed, and guilt associated with sex is part of our society's culture. This author is not only doing the opposite, she's sharing it with those who may not have considered such an idea.

 

The "meta message" in the author's house is that sex, and the components that contribute to ideas about sexuality, are morally neutral. Because this message is not dependent on age, I think we can let go of that detail, as it isn't integral to the point she's making. It's a red herring. Sexual behaviors (like self stimulation, and presumably sexual orientation, identity, and activity when older) don't please or disappoint a parent or an invisible parental figure who is watching everything you do. There is no moral value placed on this behavior. Because most moral value placed on sexuality is negative outside a very specific, limited set of parameters (heterosexual, two partners to a relationship, less commonly of the same race and/or religion, etc), a "sex positive" home would be where these parameters are lifted and there is no assigned or presumed default negative moral value. 

[Murphy101]

Eh, my kids grew up on a farm... a pony breeding farm. There's little they haven't known as the questions started young and got answered young. We did caution them about what to say - and not say - in public though. I still feel that's better than having youngsters going around talking about things that shouldn't be appropriate everywhere with every audience.

 

They also know mom/dad's Christian values, but it's 100% up to them if they choose to call those values their own or not regarding their personal lives.

 

There's nothing in the article that makes me wish we'd done any differently.

Me too. I grew up alternating between living in a zoo and being outside nearly 24/7. I have no memory of not knowing exactly what sex is. There were no restrictions to polite medically accurate terms, I knew those and many many vulgar terms as well. There was never a sex talk. There was a "If you are stupid enough to get pregnant don't come home bc we didn't like raising ours, we sure as hell aren't going to help raise your bastards." talk. I could have done just about anything, like my older siblings did, as long as I didn't get pregnant and no one would have told me to be ashamed of it.

 

I don't hide what sex is from my kids, if they have a question, I answer it honestly. But sex is like anything else. It has a time and purpose and consequences to be considered and I advise strongly against misuse of it for their own future benefit. I give guidance and expectations to them in this area just like I do in many other areas. Money, education, relationships, ... I do not consider that to be a negative. I consider it a basic parental-child relationship.

[SKL]

I was pointing out that children can be shamed very easily, and unintentionally, by a well-intentioned parent who thinks that the actual anatomical names of body parts are somehow wrong. That is all.

 

But little kids do not know there are other "anatomical" names that we are not sharing with them.  When they are old enough to have a filter of public appropriateness, then they will learn the big words.  The little words are for ease of communication.  It's not like people are getting all big-eyed and saying "that part which must not be named."

 

[albeto.]

This is a widely promoted scare tactic.  If you don't teach your kid to say "vagina" as a tot, she is probably going to be molested, and if she manages to escape that, she will be afraid of healthy sex and probably turn to serial casual lovers or prostitution and end up in the gutter dying of AIDS.

 

It's just a word.  For Pete's sake.  Vaginas are private and little kids don't have filters.  I'm not gonna be scared or bullied into teaching my kids to say "vagina."  Especially since a tot has absolutely no idea - and does not need to know - that there is an opening between the urethra and the anus.

 

The conclusions you draw from conversations are most fascinating to me. For the record, you don't actually have to teach your girls to say "vagina." 

 

:)

[T'smom]

I didnt think it was super great. Also my kids never asked any questions. So that whole line of thinking- that kids are curious and will ask- isnt always true. And I never had to tell people to stop masturbating at dinner in 17 yrs of parenting.

I've only been parenting for 7 years but that situation has never come up at our house either. Actually, the only time I have ever seen my kids playing with themselves has been in the bathtub and I just didn't say anything at all.

[bolt.]

We also say "privates" or "private parts" -- usually if we are in a fairly public place, easily overheard. But I use vagina (and labia, and perineum) when we are alone, or when I need to be specific about washing.

 

By the way: what is the proper pronunciation of perineum? Perry-nee-um, or per-enni-um?

[unsinkable]

We also say "privates" or "private parts" -- usually if we are in a fairly public place, easily overheard. But I use vagina (and labia, and perineum) when we are alone, or when I need to be specific about washing.

 

By the way: what is the proper pronunciation of perineum? Perry-nee-um, or per-enni-um?

It's pronounced "taint."

 

Because it aint't your vajayjay and it ain't your heinie hole.

 

Taint.

[SKL]

By the way: what is the proper pronunciation of perineum? Perry-nee-um, or per-enni-um?

 

I have no idea, that's another word I've never had occasion to speak.  :)

 

I'm sure dictionary.com would know.  :)

 

[ETA I would probably say pear-a-knee'-um.]

[Joyofsixreboot]

Two thoughts

1.Anyone remember the Seinfeld episode where he dated a girl named Mulva?

 

We just say what it is like finger or toe. Just words. I do kind of agree way up post that she sounds a little know it all. We all do when we have strong feelings. I let others do as they will as long as I can do the same. Though the time a kid in the church nursery started talking about his " talleywhacker" I did burst out laughing.

[Catherine]

We also say "privates" or "private parts" -- usually if we are in a fairly public place, easily overheard. But I use vagina (and labia, and perineum) when we are alone, or when I need to be specific about washing.

 

By the way: what is the proper pronunciation of perineum? Perry-nee-um, or per-enni-um?

pare-ih-nee-um

[Joyofsixreboot]

My mom rarely talked to me about sex, but this article describes her general attitude when she did. IE, bodies and touching them are nothing to be ashamed of, having sex is a decision you make when you are ready to have it, are going to have it with someone who treats you respectfully and truly cares about and vice versa, and you can handle getting on birth control and using condoms, and that having sex is personal decision that only I could make for me and not to be made for any other reason than I was ready and wanted it. Which is probably why she equally hated abstinence pledges and Dan who took me to Homecoming.

 

She might have a went a little overboard on the "If you get pregnant by this jackass you will be tied to him and his family for 18 years and IS THAT REALLY WHAT YOU WANT?!?" OTOH, she was right and Dan got dumped. He follows the Insane Clown Posse now.

 

She is not a Christian and I was not raised one, so I'll have to figure out how I want to handle older kid stuff down the road. For now, the article doesn't seem all that big of a deal to me? Pretty normal in my world, I guess.

Though we're Christian I'm striving to be like your mom, which is pretty much the way I was raised. And here Dan's name was Rosemary but same conversation.

[Freckles]

okay, so maybe a little off topic, but this conversation reminds me of the stuff my dd1 said when she was  almost three.

 

"mommy, you know the difference between boys and girls?" "Girls have bobo's, (that's what we called the whole vulva, vagina, etc... area, they know the real names) and boys have mustaches." haha a lot of men in our family have mustaches.

 

She was taking a bath, and dd1 looks at us and says "Daddy, boys have penis', and girls have toasters." We were laughing so hard. She came up with that one on her own.

 

My mom always called my brothers man parts tallywackers. Now, every time I hear that word, I laugh. 

 

For the record, we've always talked openly with our girls about the correct terminology for our anatomy. We just chose to use more cutesy names when they were little. To each his own.

[Murphy101]

I have not bothered to look into what so called parenting experts say in a very long time. Many many years.

 

You can study case studies til the cows fornicate on the front patio and it still isn't going to help you actually parent your own kid. Because our own kids are not case studies.

 

*Most* of what they advise tends to leave me in one of two camps:

 

A. I cannot believe someone used tax money on a study to figure out that nugget of common sense.

 

Or

 

B. What the? What new age psycho babble social engineering extremism is this?! These are the exceptions to the rule, not something to base sound practices on.

[MrsBasil]

I'm not a huge fan of abstinence pledges myself, even though I very much agree with the sentiment, because I think they're often made for the wrong reasons and without a solid understanding of what the end goal really is. (Maybe they help kids who might otherwise have more casual sex to think a bit more; I don't know. I never considered it, and my situation was completely different from that of most teens.)

 

.

 

The abstinence pledges I am familiar with are ones that were done in a large group setting.  The kids would be sitting in a hall and a speaker would get everyone pumped up about it and talk about purity and wedding night gifts and controlling hormones.  Then there was a lot of external pressure to sign one right then and there.  She disliked the pressure to sign right now and that people were aware of who signed.  She felt it created a negative peer pressure situation instead of giving kids time to think and reflect if that was an actual value and goal of their's.  Also...she felt that it made a mockey of the idea that sex was so "holy and sacred" if it took a pep rally to get people to sign on to that idea.

 

 

There might be other ways to handle an abstinence pledge though, I was only exposed to them though invites to church youth events. I didn't regularly attend any of these churches.  Or any church

[Tangerine]

I'm not really sure how it happened, but my sweet southern evangelical mother uses a vulgar term as a cutesy name for female genatalia. I had no idea it was vulgar until my now husband, then boyfriend, nearly fell over when I told him. And you kind of would have to know my mother to appreciate the absurdity of it. To this day, I have no idea if she knows it is an impolite word.

[Tammi K]

Me too. I grew up alternating between living in a zoo and being outside nearly 24/7. I have no memory of not knowing exactly what sex is. There were no restrictions to polite medically accurate terms, I knew those and many many vulgar terms as well. There was never a sex talk. There was a "If you are stupid enough to get pregnant don't come home bc we didn't like raising ours, we sure as hell aren't going to help raise your bastards." talk. I could have done just about anything, like my older siblings did, as long as I didn't get pregnant and no one would have told me to be ashamed of it.

 

I don't hide what sex is from my kids, if they have a question, I answer it honestly. But sex is like anything else. It has a time and purpose and consequences to be considered and I advise strongly against misuse of it for their own future benefit. I give guidance and expectations to them in this area just like I do in many other areas. Money, education, relationships, ... I do not consider that to be a negative. I consider it a basic parental-child relationship.

:iagree:  Yep. That's pretty much how I feel as well.....

 

Answer questions as they are asked.  Teach socially acceptable behavior.  Encourage autonomy and respect for yourself. Refrain from touching others unless they wish to be touched.    And, know that there are consequences for your actions and plan accordingly.

 

 

[Tammi K]

 

My mom always called my brothers man parts tallywackers. Now, every time I hear that word, I laugh. 

 I have to confess that ever since the older kids watched the Seth Green movie Without a Paddle , we've used the phrase 'sweaty ball sack'. Usually when his sisters say it, my 13 year old son rolls his eyes and groans. Poor ds almost choked after soccer practice when they were gathering gear and his coach asked him to grab the ball sack.

[Joanne]

I think forcing oneself to use terminology one is not comfortable with is more likely to make kids feel embarrassed and reluctant to bring up related topics in the future.  Kids pick up on the feelings more than the words.

 

It is precisely this discomfort that many people likely to want to create a sex positive communication are trying to avoid for their children.

 

In other words, *lack* of sex positive communication is why grown adults feel squicky saying penis, vulva, vagina.

 

[Dory]

I didn't teach my tots any name for liver because they did not know they had a liver, nor did they need to know it.  Once they need to know it, I will teach them it is a liver, not a kidney.

 

You are putting too much importance on a word.  And "this is what the experts told me to do" does not move me.  I don't look to "experts" to tell me how to communicate with my wee children.  I go by my instinct and my kids' own unique needs.  It seems to have worked for millions of years.

 

What is wrong with the word "vagina"?  Nothing, when said in the appropriate time and place.  Little kids have been known to say it in the wrong time and place and make people embarrassed and uncomfortable.  It is not necessary.  Personally I have never in my entire life had the need to say the word "vagina."  Believe it or not.  So why would my tot need to say it?

 

I had a toddler who did know he had a liver, heart, spine, and told his kindergarten teacher that he stubbed his large left phalange once. I wasn't about to give him a nonsensical name for his more private anatomy. I have known times when small children have needed words to describe what has happened, or what hurts, I'd rather my daughter actually know what to call it then be left unsure of what to say, or to think that she isn't supposed to talk about it because it has been so purposely left unnamed. As a kid I thought one was never supposed to talk about it, not because I had been told that, but because it seemed avoided and it was the only body part I wasn't given a name for. I had to look up the name on my own.

[Dory]

Huh.

 

We use tummy for abdomen, nosey-nose for nose, tootsies for toes, bum for buttocks, and pee-pee for penis.

 

Who knew I was scarring my children for life?

 

So long as things have a name, I've never understood the need for it to be a specific name. If it's all named, who cares what you call it. Different homes, different cultures, different countries will all vary. Honestly, I was using tummy, bum, tootsies(or sometimes piggies) and names like that because that was normal around here, but my youngest found an anatomy book at 3 and insisted on knowing the real names for everything after that. He will still say tummy now and then and tootsies but not often. My oldest two rarely use the correct name and I'm all fine with that. I only use the correct name if I'm describing something to a doctor or psychologist.

[Dory]

Just to add a little humor to all this. My dd used to think it was called Virginia when she was little. First time she came to me and said her virginia hurt it took me a few seconds to follow.

[albeto.]

I have not bothered to look into what so called parenting experts say in a very long time. Many many years.

 

You can study case studies til the cows fornicate on the front patio and it still isn't going to help you actually parent your own kid. Because our own kids are not case studies.

 

*Most* of what they advise tends to leave me in one of two camps:

 

A. I cannot believe someone used tax money on a study to figure out that nugget of common sense.

 

Or

 

B. What the? What new age psycho babble social engineering extremism is this?! These are the exceptions to the rule, not something to base sound practices on.

 

Somehow I doubt that. Unless you physically beat your children in public and deny them education (especially the girls), unless you send them out to work 12 hours a day to contribute to the income of your family, unless you don't provide toothbrushes in your home, you've benefited from so-called experts. 

[Firefly]

It's pronounced "taint."

 

Because it aint't your vajayjay and it ain't your heinie hole.

 

Taint.

 

 

First time in a long time I actually laughed out loud at a post. Thank you!

 

On topic:  we've always used proper terminology-- just labeling body parts like any other.  

 

DS did K in a private school, and one day told the teacher his penis was hurting.  She said "Oh no, we don't use that word, we say 'weiner.'"  Huh??  Like penis is a bad word?  One of the many reason we decided to homeschool.