Night Elf Posted May 6, 2014 Share Posted May 6, 2014 My mom lives 75 minutes away and I hate the drive. I only see her a few times a year because of this. But we talk on the phone just about every weekday. We talk about nothing and everything. I would say we're close. I am sure I talk to her more than my sister does and my sister lives in her area. My mom and I can chat up a storm, but my stepdad and DH have nothing to say. My kids end up watching tv and are bored. I guess I could just go on a weekday and let ds do his schoolwork independently that day. Ugh, why does this just seem a hassle? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted May 6, 2014 Share Posted May 6, 2014 I think planning on going on a weekday or a weekend day alone, once a month might be a good idea. 75 minutes is a hassle, because it's too close to go and stay overnight, but kind of long for a quick trip. The fact that you talk everyday is a good thing. It counts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted May 6, 2014 Share Posted May 6, 2014 I see my parents a similar amount and we don't talk on the phone much either. I consider us to be close and I don't feel guilty. I also live about 75 minutes from my parents. I think I will start another thread because I am not curious as to how weird I am. But I don't think you should feel guilty unless there is some reason your mom really needs you there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gingersmom Posted May 6, 2014 Share Posted May 6, 2014 I wouldn't feel guilty. My mother lived about an hour away and came to visit me once in about 10 years. Unless I go to visit here, she won't show. I now live cross country and will see her once a year. We talk on phone 1-2 times/week. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted May 6, 2014 Share Posted May 6, 2014 go on the weekday, it's okay for it to be just you and her. Not every get together has to be a family affair. Don't feel guilty about not liking the drive, you're staying connected to her. I know as my mom ages, those phone connections are important even when she can't get out to visit as much as she wants. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted May 6, 2014 Author Share Posted May 6, 2014 I just talked to her and she told me my grandmother invited me to her house on Sunday for barbeque. I couldn't say no since it's Mother's Day. At least I won't need to rush home by a certain time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redsquirrel Posted May 6, 2014 Share Posted May 6, 2014 I would try to get there at least once a month. If she is getting older, seeing her and her living environment often can help you gauge just how well she is really doing. And there might be little jobs that you might be able to help her with. I get along well with my mom and see her often. She lives 6 hours away, but I get there a few times a year. My sister and her family lives in the same town as I do. They have an extra room and my mom comes almost every month and stays with them. They have little ones and she often stays with them when day care is closed and takes care of the kids etc. When my nephew was between daycare placements my mom lived with my sister for 6 weeks. My mom takes my boys for two weeks every summer and then we all go on a camping trip together. So, even through we are 6 hours apart by car we see each other often. Now, my ILs live 75 mins away. I see them maybe twice a year. There have been times when they are in my town and they don't call or stop by. Neither one of us is trying to see each other more often. But if my mom lived that close I would see her a couple times a month. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted May 6, 2014 Share Posted May 6, 2014 Does she drive? Would it be a good thing to set up a lunch date 45 minutes from your house (so she would only drive 30 mins and you could cut your time, too)? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suzanne115 Posted May 6, 2014 Share Posted May 6, 2014 I would try to make time to spend with her. I live 2 hours away from my mom. I try to see her at least once a month. We talk on the phone almost every day. I still wish I could see her even more. She is precious and since she is getting older, I don't want to take spending time with her for granted. I lost my father in 2006 and I would give anything to be able to spend time with him again. I totally understand about the drive. I don't like to drive either. Suzanne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted May 6, 2014 Share Posted May 6, 2014 Get some books on tape or music you love and try to find a way to enjoy the drive. It's just over an hour, which isn't all that long. You don't have to stay all day once you are there--enjoy a couple hours together and head home, and you still have more than half your day. There are Americans who commute that distance to work each day in some cities. This is your aging mother, whom you love. It is well worth it to find a way to make this work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted May 6, 2014 Share Posted May 6, 2014 I don't consider 75 minutes a long drive. We drive that much and more every weekend just to get out and hike. Do you work? If not, I'd just go during the week - it's not like your kids are little and need supervision. You could leave after breakfast and come home after lunch. Pop in an audio book or a nice CD and enjoy the time on your own in the car. It takes me 24 hours and a lot of money to travel from my house to my parents' house. If I had such a short drive, I'd try to see them every other week. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Acadie Posted May 6, 2014 Share Posted May 6, 2014 My mom is 10 hours away, and has health issues. I see her about 3 times/year, and really wish I could make the trip more often! Dh's parents are 7 hours away. 75 min seems downright local! I know the feeling that things are just a hassle, though. When your plate is already full, adding what would otherwise be pleasant visits and trips can feel overwhelming. I love the idea of going yourself, and making it a retreat for you in some way as well as a visit to your mama. I'm going to think about adding a solo trip once a year to see my mom, as it's complicated bringing my kids. Sometimes I wonder how many more times I'll see her, and want to make sure I have time for us to talk just the two of us. When all my sisters and families are there it's a lot of fun, but a total madhouse. Amy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
City Mouse Posted May 7, 2014 Share Posted May 7, 2014 To me 75 min is not a bad drive. I am currently driving my DS that far two afternoons a week for soccer. However, I do live in the middle of no where, and the nearest Walmart is that far away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StaceyinLA Posted May 7, 2014 Share Posted May 7, 2014 Well I'm about to make my second round trip to see my dd in 2 months and she's 18 hours away, so I'd say she could be visiting you once a month and you visiting her once a month. 75 minutes isn't far. I WISH my dd was 75 minutes away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted May 7, 2014 Share Posted May 7, 2014 75 minutes is nothing, I am driving that far tomorrow for a field trip, I regularly drive that far for a walmart. My folks live 2 hours away and we still get out there about every 4-6 weeks. We will be there next thursday for dinner after a field trip (yes I am driving 2 hours for a field trip...again...did the same last month, drove out for the fieldtrip, stayed for dinner at my folks). 75 minutes really isn't that far imo. though I guess it is a matter of perspective, when you live in a rural location you get used to long drives for everything. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne Posted May 7, 2014 Share Posted May 7, 2014 My parents live in another state - I am fortunate to be able to see them a couple of times a year. What I do is Skype with them several times a week. Maybe that would work for you? Anne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted May 7, 2014 Share Posted May 7, 2014 I'd try to go once a month on a weekday. You and mom have coffee, a light lunch and a little walk. You will both feel good about it and your ds will like his independent work days. In a very short time you will not regret the little extra effort you took to visit mom, but you probably will regret not doing it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted May 7, 2014 Author Share Posted May 7, 2014 Does she drive? Would it be a good thing to set up a lunch date 45 minutes from your house (so she would only drive 30 mins and you could cut your time, too)? Yeah, we've done this before. It's been a while. The main problem is that she brings my stepdad everywhere she goes when she drives, and he's not exactly my favorite person. So having lunch with both of them is not a very pleasant thought. That's mean, and I really shouldn't be but he has some beliefs that go against my very being. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted May 7, 2014 Author Share Posted May 7, 2014 When I was a young adult, early 20s, I used to drive that far every other week to see my mom, and she would drive to me on alternate weeks. It wasn't a big thing then. I guess it's just changed as we've gotten older. She likes to drive to see me but hasn't in quite some time. I know when she calls she always asks if she's interupting school work, so I think she worries about messing up our days. I should address that concern with her in case that is what she's thinking. Then there is my 91 yr. old grandmother who lives close to my mom and sister. My mom goes over to Grandma's house every day to help her do things. When I do see Grandma, she always tells me to come back soon and visit. I feel doubly guilty about that. Yeah, I just need to change my tune and start going over there more often. At least school is almost out so my days won't be so rigid for a while. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted May 7, 2014 Share Posted May 7, 2014 When I was a young adult, early 20s, I used to drive that far every other week to see my mom, and she would drive to me on alternate weeks. It wasn't a big thing then. I guess it's just changed as we've gotten older. She likes to drive to see me but hasn't in quite some time. I know when she calls she always asks if she's interupting school work, so I think she worries about messing up our days. I should address that concern with her in case that is what she's thinking. Then there is my 91 yr. old grandmother who lives close to my mom and sister. My mom goes over to Grandma's house every day to help her do things. When I do see Grandma, she always tells me to come back soon and visit. I feel doubly guilty about that. Yeah, I just need to change my tune and start going over there more often. At least school is almost out so my days won't be so rigid for a while. I think our concept of how far is a long drive is conditioned by the area in which we live. I grew up in an area in which my dad drove 1 hour to commute to work--and so did a lot of other men in that area. My high school was an hour drive away (longer by school bus.) I moved to this area, and found that anything over a 15 or 20 min drive was "far away." That mentality eventually crept into my assessments and indeed, I can get everywhere we go regularly in 25 min. I think another factor to consider is that given your mom's likely age (70s guessing from GM's age), she may actually not be as comfortable on the road anymore. I know my mother drives as little as possible. She has only been to see us once in probably 10 years and that was when I had cancer and she could get a ride with someone else. (We live 6-7 hours a way.) Even my dad, who was the best of our parents about visiting, has cut down his visits significantly since reaching his late 70s. All that is to say that I think the adult child needs to be of the mindset that the initiative will be increasingly on their side to make face to face meetings happen. Guilt is not always a bad thing. It's purpose is to make us take a look. Sometimes, we take a look and realize that there is false guilt that comes either from other people's standards and not our own beliefs; alternately, it can come from a kind of "enabling" mindset on life. But when the guilt comes from our own beliefs, then it serves the purpose of having us correct our course in a way that ultimately makes us more satisfied. From this side of the internet, it sounds like this is something you really believe you should do, but it is a hassle. When that's the case (as it is for many things--exercising, etc.) I think we end up more at peace when the hassle factor loses and our behavior lines up with our core beliefs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Serenade Posted May 7, 2014 Share Posted May 7, 2014 Oh, I'm in the same boat, except my drive is a bit longer. Like you, I only make the drive a few times a year, and I am really starting to feel guilty about it. I love my mom, but the drive exhausts me. Sometimes we'll meet in the middle, and she'll take a kid for a few days. That helps her to feel less lonely. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie Smith Posted May 7, 2014 Share Posted May 7, 2014 I live 90 minutes+ away from my parents. The + is because depending on the time of day you may get stuck in traffic. Last weekend my Dh got stuck in traffic driving home from visiting them and it took almost 4 hours. (Tractor trailer, oil spill) I just want to make a suggestion since you talk to her a lot on the phone. DO you have a hands free phone set? I have one and gave one to my Mom. We can now talk to each other while doing chores. I really love my hands free phone. I have a list of people to call just to chat while I do dishes and other kitchen chores. So if you are feeling quilty you can perhaps make some of that go away by telling her how much you like your phone conversations and by each of you a hands free phone. I find I'll talk to my Mom about nothing much for 40 minutes and Ta-Da my dishes are done (hand washing here) and counters wiped. I thank you for helping me with my chores and then we say bye. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted May 7, 2014 Share Posted May 7, 2014 I drive an hour twice a week just to drive my dd to theater. If I loved that close to my parents, I would probably see them at least once a week. I wouldn't consider it a long drive at all. Depending upon where we have lived, day trips requiring a 2-3 hour drive were something we did fairly often. I generally use my driving time to listen to audio books or make phone calls. I subscribe to audible, so I never lack something to listen to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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