Tell me truly, am I being selfish?

[TXMomof4]

I've posted before that dh is in the National Guard and will be deployed soon. He will have one 24 hour period at home before then. He was *supposed* to have a 4-day pass, but it looks like he won't be in a position to take advantage of that, so this could very well be the last time we get to see him before he leaves.

 

So, here's the dilemma. His mom (of course) wants to see him before he goes. They did see him a few weeks ago, but were under the impression that we'd see him for the 4 days before he was "gone for good".

 

Do I do the gracious, selfless thing and call her to let her know he will be home for that 24 hours? Or not say anything and just pray that he will get a pass sometime before he actually leaves?

 

Just as an aside, she is not the easiest guest. I love her, but if she is here, the whole time will be about how much this is affecting her and her life, which in reality it won't be affecting her life *really* at all. We only see them 2-3 times a year normally and we've already used his previous leave time to visit them last month.

 

DH will go along with whatever, he sees both sides. So do I. I've watched my mom deal with my brothers deployments and have to step aside so he could spend time with his wife. But I hate to take this opportunity away without some serious consideration.

 

Now, be kind - If you think I'm being a selfish brat, please don't say those words to loudly. A gentle nudge would be much more effective.

[sdWTMer]

I don't think that there is anything wrong with you wanting him all to yourself and with the kiddos. Be selfish as he's your dh. This is coming from a mom of boys. It's tough having them, but at the point of marriage they will no longer be mine. :(

[JudoMom]

I've posted before that dh is in the National Guard and will be deployed soon. He will have one 24 hour period at home before then. He was *supposed* to have a 4-day pass, but it looks like he won't be in a position to take advantage of that, so this could very well be the last time we get to see him before he leaves.

 

So, here's the dilemma. His mom (of course) wants to see him before he goes. They did see him a few weeks ago, but were under the impression that we'd see him for the 4 days before he was "gone for good".

 

Do I do the gracious, selfless thing and call her to let her know he will be home for that 24 hours? Or not say anything and just pray that he will get a pass sometime before he actually leaves?

 

Just as an aside, she is not the easiest guest. I love her, but if she is here, the whole time will be about how much this is affecting her and her life, which in reality it won't be affecting her life *really* at all. We only see them 2-3 times a year normally and we've already used his previous leave time to visit them last month.

 

DH will go along with whatever, he sees both sides. So do I. I've watched my mom deal with my brothers deployments and have to step aside so he could spend time with his wife. But I hate to take this opportunity away without some serious consideration.

 

Now, be kind - If you think I'm being a selfish brat, please don't say those words to loudly. A gentle nudge would be much more effective.

 

Since they just recently saw him, I would not call her. Let him use the time to fully enjoy you and your family. I would not add the stress.

 

:grouphug:

[AuntieM]

What a tough spot to be in! I can only say what I would do in your shoes, and that would be.... ask my husband to decide!

 

If the choice were left to me, well, I am a big believer in the "leave and cleave" of the Bible (though I guess the "honor your parents" could be a counterpoint...). Considering that they did recently visit, I would keep dh all to myself. But that's just me....

[readwithem]

Does she live close enough you could see her briefly away from your home, say have a meal together at a restaurant but then leave after an hour or two?

 

I think the double whammy of having her in your house at the same time you are saying goodbye to your dh would be a bit much.

[Brindee]

:iagree: with the others! They DID just see him. He IS your husband and your childrens' father! I think you guys need that shortened time together without any stress of someone else being there to marr it! I don't think it's mean or selfish either! I actually think it's the RIGHT thing to do, IMHO!

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[klmama]

Wow. What a tough situation. I'm sorry you have to deal with this disappointment of having less time with him, and then that you have to decide about seeing other family, too.

 

As a wife, I'd want him all to myself. As a mom, boy, if my ds were ever deployed, I'd sure want to see him before he left, even if only for an hour or two. I would be incredibly hurt if he didn't try to see me, and that would make his deployment even harder. Even if I didn't see him often, I would still love him dearly, and I'd want that chance to say good-bye in person.

 

Could your dh work that out somehow? Is there a way for his visit with her to be for a limited time in the afternoon, just them, without it interfering with his time with you and your kids in the morning and evening? How far away is she? Could he drive to meet her halfway or something, then drive back within a few hour period? Can he stand up to her enough to say, "Gotta go, Mom. I love you," then give her a big hug and a kiss and leave? That would be my vote. Let her have a little time with just them, and you have your time with him, too.

[battlemaiden]

I don't know if it is the right decision for your family, but if our family were in the same situation I would tell my MIL, "as much as I would love you to be here the change in schedule gives us only enough time to say our good-byes as a family. The children really need that last 24 hrs to truly *be* with their father and I think it would be best to have that day reserved for them."

 

Since your MIL has seen him recently she *should* understand.

 

If it makes you and him feel better, have him make a nice good-bye phone call thanking her for letting him spend his final hours with the kids.

 

You are not selfish. I struggle with these decisions on both ends of deployments- I want him all to myself before he leaves and when he gets home. I recognize your struggle.

 

Jo

[Danestress]

I just personally think that's the right thing to do. I wouldn't want to, and I don't think it's selfish to not want to. But I think you need to call her and make arrangment for her to see him for a few hours out of that 24.

 

It would be hard. But as much as I love my DH, really, his mother loves him in a special way too, and I just think you have to always honor that. If your husband was dead-set against it, then I would think differently. But if he can go either way, I think you should include her as an example to your children and as a sacrifice to honor a mother's position in her son's life.

[Trivium Academy]

I would ask my dh what he wants to do, even though the deployment is hard on all involved, I would want my own dh to spend the time as he chooses. I don't feel you're being selfish at all, it is your husband but I wouldn't make this decision for your dh or his mother. I wouldn't call her unless your dh wants you to, even to say- please understand that we want to spend the time as a family, it would be hurtful. If you dh decides not to see her, maybe he can call her before he leaves.

 

I'm sorry about the 4 day pass, I hope the leave time goes well and he is kept safe while he's gone. He is certainly loved.

[Kate CA]

No, you are not being selfish. I tend to listen to those that have been in the same place as you so I have to defer to battlemaiden on this one as she has. I would absolutely not have your MIL there for the whole day. You will resent the whole time and not be able to properly say goodbye to your husband and I imagine your dc will not either if all she is doing is feeling sorry for herself. It might be one thing if she was supportive and loving to all of you, but it sounds like she isn't.

 

If she lives close enough that they can go to breakfast or something like that, I think it would be a nice concession, but if the only way to visit is to have her there the whole time I would not do it. Your time with your dh and your dc's time with their dad are more important than your MIL's feelings at this point. I am a mother of a son and I say that knowing that I may some day be in the same place. I too am of the leave and cleave mindset and think it is the healthiest for all involved.

 

ETA: I would also make sure my dh was involved in the decision though I know what my dh would say. He would agree with me and would want the time for just our family. It would be important to us to end that time in the peace and security of our family circle.

[In The Great White North]

I don't know if it is the right decision for your family, but if our family were in the same situation I would tell my MIL, "as much as I would love you to be here the change in schedule gives us only enough time to say our good-byes as a family. The children really need that last 24 hrs to truly *be* with their father and I think it would be best to have that day reserved for them."

 

Since your MIL has seen him recently she *should* understand.

 

If it makes you and him feel better, have him make a nice good-bye phone call thanking her for letting him spend his final hours with the kids.

 

You are not selfish. I struggle with these decisions on both ends of deployments- I want him all to myself before he leaves and when he gets home. I recognize your struggle.

 

 

:iagree: You and the kids need him. For the whole, uninterrupted 24 hours. I wouldn't even interrupt it by making phone calls. He can call her afterwards and say goodbye from on base - he doesn't need to be on pass to make a phone call.

 

This is not as harsh as it sounds. You don't want to end the day by feeling like you never had a moment alone to say goodbye.

[sdWTMer]

I couldn't agree more with Kate.

[SheilaZ]

We had a similar issue when my DH deployed.

I chose for the boys to get to spend the time with their Daddy.

 

My MIL cried and carried on when he first left for training. It upset the boys terribly completely undermined what DH and I had done to prepare the children.

When he came home for the last 3 days of leave, he just called her instead of visiting with her.

 

Sure he is her son....but he's your children's father and that trumps her any day.It would be different if he was a young single man. But he's not. He's a husband and father.

 

Prayers for your family and your wonderful DH. The time will pass a lot faster than you think it will. I know that hard to think, but it is true. Just keep busy. :grouphug:

[hsmom]

I agree with all of the above posters. I would stress that you have him make the final call on all of it.

[OnTheBrink]

I agree with Wendy. If HE wants to see her, then call her, but if not, then you should be the one to get the 24 hours. He left his mother and married you. You're woman #1 now, not Mom.

[Parrothead]

For me it would depend on where he is going. If he is going into harm's way his mother needs to spend some time with him just in case.

[lwilliams1922]

My DH just retired a few months ago. 20 years in the army (we've been married for only 5 years though).

 

I have to say the deployments were hard. I also have some feelings about DH's mother. When it comes to his mom, unless it's a parenting issue involing our kids, i usually tell him he should do what ever his mom needs or wants.

 

Of course I'm realizing now that when ever that happens I tend to end up with a LITTLE resentment, that I keep neatly tucked away inside.

 

We just had a heart to heart talk about this morning. Previoulsy I felt the best thing to do was take what I thought was the high road and step back. Now I can see it's not the best thing for me or my family. DH and I have to be connected and in touch with each other for our marriage and family to be at it's best.

 

I missed him terribly when he was deployed. We were lucky on his last deployment we were able to speak by phone almost every day. I could not imagine how I would have handled it if we didn't.

 

You need to be there for your kids and yourself while he is goine. If you need those 24 hrs then be with your DH. He's married now. It doesnt mean he loves her any less.

 

:grouphug:

[JFSinIL]

How close does she live? Can you let her know the last few hours that he is there? She should get to see him again - but not to hog the entire day. How does you hubby feel about this - does HE want to see his mom before he goes?

[*anj*]

:iagree: with the others! They DID just see him. He IS your husband and your childrens' father! I think you guys need that shortened time together without any stress of someone else being there to marr it! I don't think it's mean or selfish either! I actually think it's the RIGHT thing to do, IMHO!

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

I agree. Protect your time together. Consider it food for the journey that lies ahead. :grouphug:

[susie in tx]

I've posted before that dh is in the National Guard and will be deployed soon. He will have one 24 hour period at home before then. He was *supposed* to have a 4-day pass, but it looks like he won't be in a position to take advantage of that, so this could very well be the last time we get to see him before he leaves.

 

So, here's the dilemma. His mom (of course) wants to see him before he goes. They did see him a few weeks ago, but were under the impression that we'd see him for the 4 days before he was "gone for good".

 

This one is really tough for me. Before my dh deployed last time, I would have said to not have them visit. It's your dh and your family and they come first. In fact, when my dh last deployed, he did get to see his Dad right before he left. Then, during the deployment, our family went to DisneyWorld. Part of this was because I wanted to be selfish and not share him during his 2 week leave.

 

He wasn't close to his dad. His mom didn't bother to try to see him. Then, during the last 3 months of his deployment, his dad died unexpectedly. He hadn't seen him in almost 2 years.

 

So, I dunno.

 

Is there a way to have lunch with your mil and spend the rest of those 24 hours with him? Or breakfast? Give it a limited time and then you won't have to share your dh for very long. OTOH, this might not be possible. I certainly don't think it's selfish to want him for yourself those last 24 hours.

[sweetbaby]

:iagree: . I feel that it should be your dh's call.

[TammyinTN]

For me I always try to be kind to my in-laws. Maybe you could arrange a breakfast meeting halfway between the two locations and then she's happy and you have him for the rest of the day and evening. A meal is usually quick and easy and it takes about 1 hour to get through. Maybe this is something you could do... I don't know how close you guys live to one another. Good luck!:grouphug:

[Mrs Mungo]

There's no way my MIL would be coming to visit the last time I saw DH before a deployment or right when he got home. Especially if they saw him just a few weeks ago? No.

 

This statement:

We only see them 2-3 times a year normally and we've already used his previous leave time to visit them last month.

 

implied to me that you live too far from the ILs for lunch or something. If you want a long-lasting, loving relationship the relationship between you and your dh comes first. You need that time to connect with him before he leaves.

 

battlemaiden said it best:

I don't know if it is the right decision for your family, but if our family were in the same situation I would tell my MIL, "as much as I would love you to be here the change in schedule gives us only enough time to say our good-byes as a family. The children really need that last 24 hrs to truly *be* with their father and I think it would be best to have that day reserved for them."

 

The military wives are all telling you the same thing-he just saw his mom, you and the kids are most important in this case, you're not selfish. Make the most of your time together.

[Kate CA]

There's no way my MIL would be coming to visit the last time I saw DH before a deployment or right when he got home. Especially if they saw him just a few weeks ago? No.

(...)

The military wives are all telling you the same thing-he just saw his mom, you and the kids are most important in this case, you're not selfish. Make the most of your time together.

 

I tried to rep you, but could not. I must like you too much in other threads. :D I am SO glad the ones with the experience are speaking up. Like I said in my post - I defer to those who have *been* there. :001_smile:

[TXMomof4]

Thank you all so much - especially you other military wives.

 

His parents live almost 8 hours away. I'm sure they would drive, but they would be here then the whole time. There's no way I can suggest they come all that way just for a meal.

 

DH's family is so different from mine. My family talks every.day. More than once a day sometimes, and that includes my sister in England and SIL in Germany! DH's family will go months without a word. If I don't make the effort, they will really go the entire time between visits with no communication. So, he's willing to see her, but won't make the effort to set it up, you know?

 

I think I'm just going to tell him to deal with it however he sees fit, with the understanding that they cannot stay at our house that weekend and that I would prefer to have him alone with us. The very last thing I need is them there to witness the meltdowns that first 24 hours after he leaves.

 

I'm making MIL sound terrible and she's not. But he is her baby and I think she still has a hard time acknowledging that he is MY husband and the father of 4 children. I'm sure I'll understand better when I'm in that situation.

[Mrs Mungo]

I'm making MIL sound terrible and she's not. But he is her baby and I think she still has a hard time acknowledging that he is MY husband and the father of 4 children. I'm sure I'll understand better when I'm in that situation.

 

Neither of you sound horrible.

 

The military life is so *different* than civilian life. My husband hasn't lived with his mom since he was 15 and went off to military school. She allowed him to attend military school, even encouraged him to stay with it early in his career. But she still gets really upset when he deploys. She usually visits for a few days a couple of weeks before he deploys and a then for a week about a month after he gets back. She understands (or at least says she understands ;) ) that we need those times to adjust as a family.

[LizzyBee]

Since his mom saw him recently and he'll only have a 24-hour pass, I would keep that time for you and the kids. I don't think that's selfish at all.

[WTMCassandra]

No, I think that time should be just for you and your husband and children. I don't want to be snarky, but if something happens to your DH, YOU'RE going to be the one raising those children, not MIL. Therefore, I think you should have the last word on this one.

 

I remember when my BIL was coming back from a long deployment and MIL wanted to muscle in the whole thing, driving down to the base where he was first coming in, and such. We urged her strongly to leave the first couple of days for BIL and his wife, and then when they drove back, she could see him. (And of course she got to talk to him on the phone.) We only succeeded, honestly, because she was physically unable to drive that far and various family members refused to drive her. It wasn't pretty, and it was just plain rude to BIL and wife.

 

And if your MIL's tendency is to make everything about her, I don't think it's wise to risk jeopardizing your last day together.

 

I pray every day that when my son grows up and gets married I do NOT put him in conundrums like this. I pray I can step aside graciously and let my son truly leave and cleave.

[Joanne]

No advice. I did want to say it's not selfish to want your 24 hours to be your non extended family only.

 

I did want to say thank you to you, your kids and your DH for serving. :):)

[LauraL]

he's your children's father and that trumps her any day.It would be different if he was a young single man. But he's not. He's a husband and father.

 

:iagree: I think that you owe it to your immediate family--husband and children--to spend that time together alone. Your primary responsibility is to each other. Parents and siblings (yours and his) need to take a back seat.

[Jennifer3141]

You are not being selfish at all!!

 

Jen

[Kanga]

I've posted before that dh is in the National Guard and will be deployed soon. He will have one 24 hour period at home before then. He was *supposed* to have a 4-day pass, but it looks like he won't be in a position to take advantage of that, so this could very well be the last time we get to see him before he leaves.

 

So, here's the dilemma. His mom (of course) wants to see him before he goes. They did see him a few weeks ago, but were under the impression that we'd see him for the 4 days before he was "gone for good".

 

Do I do the gracious, selfless thing and call her to let her know he will be home for that 24 hours? Or not say anything and just pray that he will get a pass sometime before he actually leaves?

 

Just as an aside, she is not the easiest guest. I love her, but if she is here, the whole time will be about how much this is affecting her and her life, which in reality it won't be affecting her life *really* at all. We only see them 2-3 times a year normally and we've already used his previous leave time to visit them last month.

 

DH will go along with whatever, he sees both sides. So do I. I've watched my mom deal with my brothers deployments and have to step aside so he could spend time with his wife. But I hate to take this opportunity away without some serious consideration.

 

Now, be kind - If you think I'm being a selfish brat, please don't say those words to loudly. A gentle nudge would be much more effective.

 

I have been in this situation and I say DO NOT CALL!!! You and your children need this time with your dh, so take it. My dh was delayed in being deployed and they allowed him to come home while he waited for the next flight to Iraq. I was selfish and called no one. The time together with no obligations was a blessing to us all.