s/o If you have a Great MIL, what makes her so?

[momacacia]

Not what would make a great MIL, but if you actually do have a great MIL what makes her great and what makes it a good relationship with her?

 

Curious and wanting to learn and be open-minded. ;)

[Amira]

She lets me be me. She torpedoed her relationship with her other daughter-in-law who came on the scene many years before I did by trying to run her wedding and her life and obviously decided not to make the same mistake again.

[PeacefulChaos]

She babysits for us.  Free.  And whenever we need her. (Granted, I try not to take advantage either... it would be one thing if I were asking her every day or even every week... as it is, there are clusters: nothing for a month and then maybe 3-4 times another month.  Almost always for a few hours during the day for a doctor's appointment or whatever.)

I'm not going to say she's perfect... no one is... but overall she and FIL are really good ILs.  They don't have any hard feelings toward me (or any of their DILs - they have 4 total) and never have expressed any dislike toward any of the significant others that their sons have brought home (at least not in my knowledge - I knew, for a very short time, my younger BIL's first girlfriend, but he was dating his current wife by the time DH and I got married... but I don't recall the ILs ever being anything but nice to anyone.)  That may sound weird but idk, I guess it just seems like they were always as accommodating as possible and didn't try to throw their opinion in on who their son should marry, etc.  

Like I said, I had limited experience with that, but it's the impression I always got.

 

[Cinder]

I see my mil less than once per year. (We live hundreds of miles apart and just can't visit often, and she is too old to travel easily.) Over the years I appreciate her more and more. We were never really close, but she has always accepted me for who I am. She has never interfered in our marriage or with our child-rearing. She has disagreed with 2 things (one was homeschooling but she later came to see the benefit of it and accept it) and has mentioned each *once*. Each of those times she felt the need to say her piece, which she did, then she said she'd never bring it up again--and she didn't.

 

I hope to be as wise in my words and actions as she is.

[Aspasia]

I have a fantastic MIL!

 

-The biggest thing is that she never interferes. When dh and I got married, she fully accepted that we became an independent unit. She never trashes either of us to the other, or tries to entice one of us to share our problems with her (unlike my own mother). She just stays out of it.

 

-She compliments me all the time--on my parenting (which I don't really deserve), on my housekeeping (she is the queen of homemakers, so I know my performance isn't necessarily up to her personal standards), on everything. She is just positive and supportive to me and about me (other people tell me this regularly).

 

-She doesn't undermine our parenting like my mom does. She always respects our rules, schedules, and ways of doing things. If she isn't clear on how we do things with the kids or if we would be okay with something, she always asks.

 

-Along the same lines, when she's at our house, she always tries to do things the way we do them. If she's staying with us after a baby and helps fold the laundry, she asks me how I do it. Stuff like that just shows me she respects me.

 

-She raised eight kids but never pretends to be an expert on parenting. She only offers advice when I ask for it. Otherwise, she just listens to me vent. And then when I do ask for advice, she offers it gently and with the acknowledgment that it may or may not be the right solution for me.

 

I will say that she doesn't care for homeschooling. She hasn't ever come right out and said it, but we can tell by some of the ways she asks us questions, like she is really concerned about it. But she is TRYING really hard to keep her opinion to herself, so we appreciate that. It's just kind if sneaking out sometimes. ;)

[jelbe5]

She is not just my MIL but one of my dearest friends.

 

When my dh and I were first married my MIL told me how hard things were for her as a new wife and then new mother. She felt she could not live up to the expectations of her own mother and mother-in-law and nearly had a nervous breakdown until she realized the only people she needed to be concerned about were her husband and children and herself. She vowed she would never put the spouses of her children through that. She has always been true to her word. She is a wonderful, loving person who is accepting and keeps her opinions to herself unless asked. She really is a gem. I am a very lucky DIL.

[JustEm]

She does not give advice unless asked for it.  She respects the choices we make as parents even if she doesn't agree with them.  She raised my dh to be a  respectful man who views family as the number one priority. Although we don't have much in common we are able to have thoughtful conversations about each others' interests and she genuinely wants to hear about mine.  She loves my children and put in the effort to see them weekly.

[sbgrace]

My MIL honors our adult lives. By that I mean she never forced her opinions/advice on us. I can't remember her giving unsolicited advice (except a can opener once). Even when asked, she always couches it in terms of her thoughts but what do we think. I've never felt judged by her. She's always been a good listener and supportive. She's a real contrast to my own parents in that respect! She lets us have space--for example, it's ok if we don't spend Christmas with them.

[Little Nyssa]

In addition to the above, my MIL pretends that she likes my cooking, even when she doesn't. :)

[LMD]

She is not just my MIL but one of my dearest friends.

 

When my dh and I were first married my MIL told me how hard things were for her as a new wife and then new mother. She felt she could not live up to the expectations of her own mother and mother-in-law and nearly had a nervous breakdown until she realized the only people she needed to be concerned about were her husband and children and herself. She vowed she would never put the spouses of her children through that. She has always been true to her word. She is a wonderful, loving person who is accepting and keeps her opinions to herself unless asked. She really is a gem. I am a very lucky DIL.

so similar here! Except my in laws are pretty blunt, opinionated people, but have always treated me like family.

[Laura Corin]

We had our moments, but I really appreciated one thing about her: she did not say anything (good or bad) about how we were bringing up the children.  I'm sure she would have expressed an opinion if asked, but as I didn't ask (I didn't see her that often, so didn't have a chance to build that kind of relationship) she kept strictly quiet.  My mother does the same.  I think it's a great quality.

 

L

[LMD]

She is not just my MIL but one of my dearest friends.

 

When my dh and I were first married my MIL told me how hard things were for her as a new wife and then new mother. She felt she could not live up to the expectations of her own mother and mother-in-law and nearly had a nervous breakdown until she realized the only people she needed to be concerned about were her husband and children and herself. She vowed she would never put the spouses of her children through that. She has always been true to her word. She is a wonderful, loving person who is accepting and keeps her opinions to herself unless asked. She really is a gem. I am a very lucky DIL.

so similar here! Except my in laws are pretty blunt, opinionated people, but have always treated me like family.

[FaithManor]

She's a lovely woman who has always respected our marriage, always been cheerful, always loved me like her own daughter, loves her grandchildren and has been very involved in their lives but isn't intrusive, has always been there for us, and heaps unconditional love on others. She's a wonderful role model, generous, honest, and precious. I hope that someday my own son-in-law will be able to say that about me.

[matrips]

I have never heard my mil insult anyone or put them down or talk about them in a mean way. She's well educated and interesting, but keeps those kind of opinions to herself. She has never interfered. Gets down and plays with the kids, even at 85, eats what we serve, and is a perfect guest and host. She's proper in a way, and expects good stuff from the kids too, but again, with a very kind way. She enjoys going to their activities and chatting with them. I don't think she is the greatest proponent of homeschooling, but she has never said. Her visits are never long enough for me! Last time she stayed 10 days, and I would have loved longer.

[momacacia]

No, no, that doesn't count SU. Lol! You must speak the same language as the MIL for it to count. Lol!

[KrissiK]

I have a wonderful mother-in-law. I really do. Here's why I think she's a good one!

1) she's just genuinely a nice person. She's nice and kind to everyone. I don't think she has an enemy in the world.

2) she's interested in the lives of her daughters-in-laws (she has 4 sons, thus 4 daughters-in-laws, and one daughter)

3) she gives absolutely no unsolicited advice.

4) she's happy her sons have found good wives, so we were welcomed into the family

5) she's very helpful. She comes over on Mondays and folds my laundry. Actually, she really comes over to get out of the house. She doesn't drive and has trouble getting around, and it's good for her to come over (my fil brings her by for the morning when he does volunteer work) and see the grandkids and be around people, but she "earns her keep" by reading to the little girls while I do school with the big ones and she folds my laundry.

 

I love my mother-in-law. She's awesome!

[Laurie4b]

 Each time she loved with us for about a year

 

What a sweet Freudian slip... or typo! It's really a nice way to put it when you think about it.

[trinchick]

MIL didn't start out so great - and maybe I didn't start out so well as a DIL, either - but she has developed into a very good MIL. And I hope that as I've become more secure as a wife and mother that I've become a better DIL as well.

 

I think part of the positive change in MIL is because DH's brother did us a favor by marrying a total psycho. We look great by comparison.

 

She doesn't interfere with our daily lives or tell us how to do things (she used to, but I think she gave up on us ever listening to her). She's genuinely happy when we reach out to her to make plans. She doesn't demand more of us than we can offer right now.

 

I think it's great that she respects DH's and my relationship as husband and wife and doesn't try to compete for attention or influence with DH.

 

My main complaint is that she does favor another grandchild over our kids. I know this is a deal-breaker for many, but I understand it. MIL minded the other little girl one day a week for five years. Of course they formed a tight bond. We live two hours away; while our kids are crazy about MIL (and she's crazy about them, too!) it just can't be the same.

 

She has her personality quirks that can get irritating during a long visit (she lives a couple hours away and occasionally stays with us for a long weekend). But everyone has these and they don't affect our overall relationship.

[Maplecat]

My MIL is an excellent grandmother. She takes my 3 kids for a couple of hours every Saturday. That time has been such a blessing for my husband and I to reconnect, peruse our own hobbies, and we did a ton of grieving when our daughter died. It is such a gift that she is in our family. When horrible things have happened, it is such a gift to know my MIL can seamlessly step in and care for my family.

 

When my first was born, my MIL really supported me as a new mother and taught me a ton about infant care. She did so in a way that always affirmed that I was a good mom. It still makes me tear up today. That was such a hard time and I feel like my own mom dropped the ball.

 

My MIL lives 5 minutes away and I hope to have her live with us somewhere down the line.

 

After having two boys, I went all in with my MIL. Someday, I'm probably going to have a DIL and I want my sons and daughter growing up seeing how it is done. Relationships require work, but they are also rewarding and important.

[Janie Grace]

My MIL passed away only several years after we married, but one thing she did that was so special was write me a letter. In it, she said, "I honor and appreciate you as the most important woman in ____'s life." I think she just wanted it out there that she wouldn't be competing for dh's affection or weirdly trying to keep him as her little boy. It was probably for her sake, too (she needed to write it out)... she loved dh dearly and they shared a very special bond. 

 

She also complimented my cooking, mothering, etc. even though I didn't know what I was doing. She was so encouraging about everything. I miss her very much.

[trinchick]

After having two boys, I went all in with my MIL. Someday, I'm probably going to have a DIL and I want my sons and daughter growing up seeing how it is done. Relationships require work, but they are also rewarding and important.

 

Maplecat, what a great insight. In the past couple of years, I've also tried to consciously commit to modeling a good relationship with my MIL, too. I think as DILs we need to recognize that a good relationship requires commitment from both parties. We have to be open and responsive to our MILs for them to feel the same way about us.

 

Some things I've been doing that I've noticed have worked to improve things:

 

• I reach out to her myself and don't have DH do all the communicating. I send her texts with photos of the kids or forward an interesting article a couple times a month. 

• I try to be thoughtful in gifting. I think gifts are her love language as she's constantly heaping things on the kids. In response I've tried to think of personal gifts that she'd really like. The rest of DH's family is huge on gift cards, so these are often the only personal gifts she receives, so I think she really appreciates them.

• I try to be spontaneous in our communication/gifting instead of revolving around holidays/special occasions. For instance, we had talked about a book over a visit. The next week I sent her a copy.

• I try not to make all of our communication about the kids. For instance, she was on Weight Watchers over the fall (and did great!). I tried to send her encouraging texts from time to time or check in to ask how she was doing. I sent her a subscription to Weight Watchers magazine to show support.

[Night Elf]

She's kind to me and has never had a negative tone. She's caring. She's interested in things I do. She sends me birthday cards that call me daughter. She tells me she loves me. She has always supported how we are raising our kids and is proud that we homeschool.

[Terabith]

I have the best in-laws in the world.  They babysit regularly.  As in, I work two mornings a week and they homeschool my daughter on those days.  They pick up the older one from school a couple times a week.  In the past, the kids have slept over there twice a week.  When I'm sick, they've kept the kids.  Heck, last year when I was sick, the kids were at their house and developed a stomach bug, and they kept them there!  They transport kids to activities.  They drive over when we've left things there.  We eat dinner with them 3-4 times a week.  She cooks great meals.  She sews and hems things.  She does interesting things with the kids, not just babysitting.  They have helped us out financially.  And they do it all with a great attitude:  "I love it when you guys eat with us!  That way I can fix lots of good food and variety that I couldn't if it was just the two of us." 

[Aspasia]

She respects me as a mother, and dotes little bit (telling people that I am great mom), which sounds...eh whatever, but it went a long way when I was a new mom and didn't know what in the world I was doing being in charge of human beans.

 

She always assumes the best of both DH and I. You know how you hear about people that are just WAITING for you to screw up? She's the opposite of that. She just KNOWS we're the bee's knees. If I lose my biz, she just sort of pats me on the back and makes excuses for me ("you're so tired,"you work so hard," etc) in her polite, mid-western way and assures me it will be MUCH better after a good night's sleep, or whatever folksy thing she prescibes for troubles :-)

 

She's just the kind of person who does, you know? She just does what needs doin'. When we lived close by (next door actually), she'd clean up if I was sick, or just take the kids for a while in the afternoon if the baby kept me up all night. Stuff like that.

 

And she and I have common interests outside of my kids/her grandkids/her son/my husband. We can talk and talk and talk about being a big sister, or gardening or chickens or politics. She loves to hear about homeschool. I mean, just liking each other is a big deal. But I love my MIL. She's the actual best, ever.

This sounds like my MIL, too. She thinks dh and I are just amazing. And she's an absolute workhorse whenever she's here. My mom is actually like that, too. They're both just really good at looking for something to do and then just doing it.

 

We actually have very, very little in common as individuals. We are night and day when it comes to politics and many parenting issues (like homeschooling). She is super duper religious and I have some very unorthodox ideas about our church (dh doesn't even attend anymore). We don't have similar hobbies. But somehow we can shoot the breeze for hours and be just fine. :)

[Terabith]

My MIL also has many beds in her house and welcomes all sorts of people, and they went out and bought extra sleds for the snow storm.  We're all camped out at her house to have more fun playing in snow.  They have sleds and many, many pairs of gloves.  Later, my MIL is taking the children outside to make a snow sculpture. 

[cottonmama]

Some of it is just luck.  She has a great relationship with my dh, and she and I are very likeminded.  So she's not tempted very often to try to meddle, because I think she already approves of most of what we do.  

 

But even where we do disagree, she doesn't try to change us.  She is Catholic and we are not, and I know she must wish we were raising our children Catholic, but she's never said a word about it.  When we first told her we were homeschooling, she was supportive but had a few concerns, which she voiced once -- in a gentle/helpful way -- and then she left it to us.

 

She is very generous with us... she's a thoughtful gift-giver and also offers to help us with practical things throughout the year.  I'm sure that endears her to me as well.  :-)

 

We are not super-close -- I don't usually get on the phone when dh calls her; our relationship is still mostly through dh.  But I like her very much and we've never had anything unpleasant between us.

[LibraryLover]

My MIL was always supportive and kind. I know I did things she didn't understand at times, but she was never critical. She also had the knack of showing up, at just the right moment, with a roasted chicken and warm mashed potatoes. :)

 

 

[Cafdog]

My MIL is great.  She's always been lovely and kind to me since I married into their family, but we have also become friends on a personal level.  We both enjoy the same books and TV shows, and it's nice to have things to talk about outside of family matters.  

 

[Captivated]

I joined her family as a single mom of a 9 year old boy.  My hubby proposed to me the night before I met her for the first time.  That day she welcomed my son and I as family and never looked back.  She is closer to the age of my grandparent than my parents, very midwestern, very religious, and very old fashioned.  But she never looked down on me about my "situation" and in fact the only time I heard her say anything about it is when she told off her snoopy, gossipy sister that "she should just mind her own business because this was her new daughter and grandson."   She also raised 4 of the most EXCEPTIONAL, hardworking men on the planet.  She loves my kids and plays games with them (and doesn't let them win unless they actually do).  She has a fixed income and can't spend much on gifts so she makes them stuff all the time (even better in my eyes!!) or afford to come see us often, but she faces her fear of flying anytime we can scrape enough money together to fly her here.  She's a gem and I'm grateful.