Negin Posted February 9, 2014 Share Posted February 9, 2014 Interesting infographic here. Lots of good and helpful info there, although I really don't care for the term "happify" :rolleyes:. It refers to shared happiness, shared laughter, talking, etc. All the nice usual reminders. it then goes on to cite a 20-year British study where the happiest couples are those who: have been married 5 years or less (so I guess that as soon as the 5 years are almost up, time to call it quits :lol: ). don't have children (this does not mean children leaving home, but not having children at all). have college degrees husband is employed Interesting. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted February 9, 2014 Share Posted February 9, 2014 I like the explanation of fighting style. My first husband and I were definitely in the unhappy camp. I'm glad I learned that a disagreement could be handled more effective with staying calm and using "I" statements rather than the flat out yelling and name calling that happened in my first marriage. I have to wonder who was polled for that study. I find it sad that the happiest couples were married less than 5 years. How many people were married longer than that and said they weren't happy? I'd say the first few years are still like living the honeymoon phase, but after that I settled into a comfortable relationship with a love that has grown deeper and more meaningful. In thinking about it, I'm happier and more in love after 18 years of marriage. It means we understand one another much more deeply and still feel like we made the right choice and would be happy to do it again. Interesting statistics. i wonder if the people polled were followed for several years and asked the same questions again to see if their answers changed over time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 9, 2014 Share Posted February 9, 2014 Don't have children at all? Bizarre. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted February 9, 2014 Share Posted February 9, 2014 Could it be that some don't separate "happy with marriage" from " happy" in general. Kids are stressful. The general stress and worry will cut down on general happiness, even if children bring some of the biggest joys people can experience. Another source of stress is aging parents. Most couples married less than 5 years do not have aging parents. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creekland Posted February 9, 2014 Share Posted February 9, 2014 25+ years here and both of us will still report a happy marriage. Actually, we're both (literally, at the moment) here looking at the link while staring out at the Atlantic ocean spending a weekend together at Ocean City, MD. (Granted, not a southern spot making the weekend truly great, but the best we could do given our circumstances at the time. We are both HAPPY with it.) ;) So... let's see: - Talk more... Check. We definitely spend FAR more than 5 hours per week talking with each other. - Positive Interactions. Check. Compliment/appreciation/reliving memories/doing something nice - yep. - Bedroom. Let's just say check and yup (coming from my other half who's doing this with me) ;) - Responding to triumphs. Check. Is there any other way to respond? Seriously? We love to share each others ego boost moments. - Sharing experiences... does sitting here together on our balcony with direct view of the ocean count? In general, we share experiences on a daily basis - walking, eating, or sharing our day if nothing else. - Shared laughter? Definitely. We like laughing with (or sometimes even at) each other. We love humor. - Fighting? Honestly, we fail at this one. It's a good thing we don't do it often or feel the need to add more of it to our lives. - 5 years or less? No 25 1/2 years and counting. - Kids? Three boys - no regrets either. - College degrees? Check - no regrets there either. - Hubby employed? Check... and I work part time too. Since hubby is self-employed and works from home, it works out great with a bunch of the above! Can we get the $105,000 added to our bank account now? :drool5: Oh, and youngest leaves the nest this coming August... we are absolutely loving contemplating plans together... (though I will admit to missing the "family" days as we had a ton of fun with all three boys as they grew up... we just know we can't stop time, so are planning accordingly to the new "us" time.) I hope others are in a similar boat! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soror Posted February 9, 2014 Share Posted February 9, 2014 We're happy here, coming up on our 15th anniversary and 4 kids. I found it interesting that it said that parents were less likely to be happy in the pre-school years, I would guess just because it is such an intensive time and makes it much more difficult to carve time out for each other. We don't often have conventional dates and such but we steal together time here and there. We make time every day to talk and connect. We laugh and play a lot, we sing and wrestle around. There are of course areas of improvement for both of us, as neither of us are perfect :) I do see marriage as helping each of us become better people, I feel all worthwhile relationships are though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeterPan Posted February 9, 2014 Share Posted February 9, 2014 Well according to this link http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2010/07/20/sex-statistics-who-does-it-the-most.html we'd all be a lot happier if we smoked, quit church, moved to Miami, and listened to jazz while writing poetry and painting. Guess we shouldn't believe every study we read. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soror Posted February 9, 2014 Share Posted February 9, 2014 I'd sure be happier in Miami right now :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caroline Posted February 9, 2014 Share Posted February 9, 2014 Well according to this link http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2010/07/20/sex-statistics-who-does-it-the-most.html we'd all be a lot happier if we smoked, quit church, moved to Miami, and listened to jazz while writing poetry and painting. Guess we shouldn't believe every study we read. :lol: I think I would be enjoying Miami more than a soccer game when it's only 36 degrees outside. It might depend on what we are smoking... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rose in BC Posted February 9, 2014 Share Posted February 9, 2014 Hmm, we are coming up to our 26th anniversary and have experienced many trials in past five years....dh lost his job of 21 years due to mill closure and two special needs kids that have put us through things we could never have imagined. It is stressful on a relationship for sure but we've survived this far...and we still like and love each other. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rose in BC Posted February 9, 2014 Share Posted February 9, 2014 Having said that I could sure use a trip to Miami to smoke (ok I don't smoke), drink and listen to jazz :). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HRAAB Posted February 9, 2014 Share Posted February 9, 2014 Interesting. I know children can be stressful on a marriage, but the most stressful things we've dealt with are aging, sick parents and lay offs. Children were a breeze compared to those things. We enjoy our children. I remember my parents saying that the best years of their lives were when my sister and I were at home. There were only the two of us, eight years apart. Or maybe it was just viewing the past through rose colored glasses. They had a good marriage, though. We've always made time for us - even if it was sitting in the orchard with a cheap glass of wine while the kids played. When the kids were a little older, mom and dad would go to bed early with a locked door. We talk. We compliment one another. We take lots of walks. We hold hands. We laugh a lot. We enjoy the memories we have created. We enjoy the family we created together. There was one thing I needed to get rid of, and when I did, our marriage became so much better. We were't good at arguing. We've learned much in this area, but also, we don't fight much anymore. I can't remember the last fight we had. It will 29 years on June 1st. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted February 9, 2014 Share Posted February 9, 2014 Well, if I could live in Miami, without needing to consider money, be able to spend time at the beach and find a purposeful life I'm sure I'd be happy. I think if we could have a purposeful life without the need to worry about financial issues we'd all be happy. Having tons of money does not equal happy. But if you have have financial worries it can be hard to be happy. People without children have easier time being at the point of "few financial worries". I don't think smoking will help with happiness. If I found a church in Miami I liked I'd probably go. DH wont go to Miami because of the sun (fair skinned, red head). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted February 9, 2014 Share Posted February 9, 2014 I think the key word is "happiest" rather than "happy". My husband and I have gone through some very difficult times recently. I was definitely "happiest" in the first five years of marriage than I am now. Am I "unhappy" or ready to walk out? No, but I would *definitely* trade places with my newly married self. Also, the happy part is also not just marriage stuff now... kids are moving out, making a way for themselves and making choices I am sad about, I lost my mother, extended family is getting farther apart than when we all had young kids together, my husband's father is deteriorating and its hard for him to watch. So yeah, I'd go back to those first few years of marriage and having little kids....when life seemed much simpler. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted February 9, 2014 Share Posted February 9, 2014 I think the most interesting tidbit was this one: "Couples who can put a positive spin on their marriage have a 94% chance of experiencing a happy future together." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted February 9, 2014 Share Posted February 9, 2014 Is it my age? I have a very hard time following that "article." Far too busy and chaotic for me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeacefulChaos Posted February 9, 2014 Share Posted February 9, 2014 Stuff like this makes me gag and roll my eyes (apparently such articles and I wouldn't have a happy marriage). IMO, the #1 way to have a happy marriage? Don't buy into anyone else's definition of it or what it takes. My inner snark is very feisty today. :lol: I blame the head cold. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crimson Wife Posted February 9, 2014 Share Posted February 9, 2014 In one of my college psychology courses, the instructor talked about research following couples who reported being unhappy in their marriages. 5 years later, a majority of those who had stayed together reported being now being happy in their marriages. In contrast, a majority of those who had divorced reported still being unhappy, and it didn't make a difference whether they had remarried or were still single. Now obviously there is a MAJOR selection bias at play in that statistic, but I always found it a hopeful one to remember when going through a rough patch in our marriage (we celebrated 15 years this past December). If we could just hang in there and work through our problems, things would likely get better. Giving up and bailing on the marriage wouldn't likely ultimately lead to greater happiness. That has, in fact, proven to be true. Is that to say that staying together is ALWAYS the best option? Of course not. Not all marriages can or should be saved. But in the absence of a serious problem like abuse, chronic infidelity, substance abuse, etc. a lot of couples CAN work through their problems and emerge with a stronger marriage. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creekland Posted February 9, 2014 Share Posted February 9, 2014 I'd sure be happier in Miami right now :) Not us... we were just there in October (doing a college visit at the University of Miami - nice school BTW, but not one youngest was interested in applying to). Miami was WAY too crowded for us and the beach just wasn't spectacular IMO. Now St Petersburg, OTOH... (esp St Pete Beach) has terrific beaches and far less traffic. Or, for this time of year, the Dry Tortugas are wonderful - esp to eliminate internet or cell phone traffic. ;) Some of the FL Keys will do nicely (but not really for great beaches). Hawaii is always a winner as long as one stays off of Oahu (too crowded - if one needs to be there, head north - this time of year the surfing can be terrific to watch). No smoking of anything needed here... but yes, something south WOULD be nice - just not Miami. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LMV Posted February 9, 2014 Share Posted February 9, 2014 it then goes on to cite a 20-year British study where the happiest couples are those who: have been married 5 years or less (so I guess that as soon as the 5 years are almost up, time to call it quits :lol: ). don't have children (this does not mean children leaving home, but not having children at all). have college degrees husband is employed Interesting. :) We meet two out of four now. I admit that I find the first one a little silly and I really can't imagine life without our kids at this point so I guess we'll just have to muddle along. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creekland Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 I've been going stir crazy with all this snow. After deciding to be a total Sunday sloth, I sat and watched a few hours of HGTV's Hawaii Life and a Caribean one where realtors find homes for people there. I dislike beaches. Hate sand in my shorts, wind whipping my hair into knots, being sticky, etc. However, after seeing those shows and knowing what's outside the next 2 months here, I am ready to chuck it all and move to an island. We love those shows... FWIW, if you like hiking or sheer tropical mountain beauty, it's tough to beat Kauai and still stay in the US. Or there's Volcanoes NP on the Big Island for a totally different type of beauty (still great hiking)... Oahu also has some places worth visiting - like Pearl Harbor - or shrimp trucks, museums, and farmer's markets (on all islands we've been to for these). Coffee lovers also love the place. HI doesn't have to all revolve around the beach and sand. ;) If you have the time and $$... I'd say GO for it (at least for a vacation :D ). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HRAAB Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 Open minded? For some people bizarre, perfectly normal for others. I've known several couples who've been married for decades. Childless by choice, and happy as can be. Some adults are not defined by their kids, and see no reason to procreate. Yeah. Bil and his wife chose to not have children. My nephew and his wife also chose not to have children. I also knew several couples when I word that made the same decision. Perfectly happy. Heck, for that matter, when I got married, I was sure I didn't want children. Funny now that I think about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creekland Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 I took it to mean the "bizarre" part was that couples were unlikely to be happy if they had children - not that it was strange that some couples prefer being childless. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 The happiness in my marriage took a nose dive after my first born. I remember being perturbed and read up about kids and marriage. From what I remember researching most divorces happen after kids are born. A couple can be married for 15 years and they're fine, but then after they have kids 5 years later they're divorced. Having kids can put huge strains on marriages. Just to reassure you all, things leveled out for us after my oldest son turned 1. But that first year of his life was brutal on our marriage. Yikes! We made it through and we're fine now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hikin' Mama Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 We love those shows... FWIW, if you like hiking or sheer tropical mountain beauty, it's tough to beat Kauai and still stay in the US. Or there's Volcanoes NP on the Big Island for a totally different type of beauty (still great hiking)... Oahu also has some places worth visiting - like Pearl Harbor - or shrimp trucks, museums, and farmer's markets (on all islands we've been to for these). Coffee lovers also love the place. HI doesn't have to all revolve around the beach and sand. ;) If you have the time and $$... I'd say GO for it (at least for a vacation :D ). I visit Hawaii at least once a month via my computer. Oh how I love the place. I have never been so relaxed in my life as I was when I was there. I'm trying to talk dh into moving there for a couple years when I'm done homeschooling my daughter (2.5 years). Just selling our business, our personal junk, renting a small apartment and getting jobs. I'll only be 50; I think it would be awesome! A girl can dream, can't she? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creekland Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 I visit Hawaii at least once a month via my computer. Oh how I love the place. I have never been so relaxed in my life as I was when I was there. I'm trying to talk dh into moving there for a couple years when I'm done homeschooling my daughter (2.5 years). Just selling our business, our personal junk, renting a small apartment and getting jobs. I'll only be 50; I think it would be awesome! A girl can dream, can't she? We've seriously debated spending 18 months to 2 years there really exploring as part of our nomadic lifestyle after the kids leave. At this point, I'm not sure we're going nomadic (too entrenched in community now that we've lived somewhere for 18 years :glare: ). However, if we can afford it, our winter "time out" in Feb will be spent there. If we can't afford it we'll settle for FL or similar, but HI is definitely our first choice. It is an amazing place. If it weren't so far away from everywhere we'd have settled there, but alas, it IS far away from everywhere else making it more ideal for the homebody (whose entire "life" is there or close to it) than for the nomad at heart (whose family is all in the east). Not that we haven't thought about it though... several times... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Negin Posted February 12, 2014 Author Share Posted February 12, 2014 Open minded? For some people bizarre, perfectly normal for others. I've known several couples who've been married for decades. Childless by choice, and happy as can be. Some adults are not defined by their kids, and see no reason to procreate. :iagree: . I know a few child-free couples that are perfectly happy and live fulfilling lives - travel, etc. I strongly believe that not everyone needs or wants to have children. I've been going stir crazy with all this snow. After deciding to be a total Sunday sloth, I sat and watched a few hours of HGTV's Hawaii Life and a Caribean one where realtors find homes for people there. I dislike beaches. Hate sand in my shorts, wind whipping my hair into knots, being sticky, etc. However, after seeing those shows and knowing what's outside the next 2 months here, I am ready to chuck it all and move to an island. I live on a small Caribbean island. Trust me, the beach and sand, etc. (and I live across the street from it) can get old after a while. I never thought that I would say it, but I truly miss having four seasons. :) I guess the grass is always greener on the other side. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creekland Posted February 12, 2014 Share Posted February 12, 2014 I live on a small Caribbean island. Trust me, the beach and sand, etc. (and I live across the street from it) can get old after a while. I never thought that I would say it, but I truly miss having four seasons. :) I guess the grass is always greener on the other side. We missed having 4 seasons when we lived in FL full time (5 years), so moved back north. I believe we've figured out the answer (for us) is merely to shorten winter - not eliminate it. Hence, future plans of a month (or extended month) somewhere south, but not 100% relocation plans. We are fortunate that hubby's job allows this. We're just not sure whether to go to HI, Caribbean, Central America, FL, or ??? We both love HI, but there's a huge time zone difference and it's expensive. Working from the Caribbean or Central America could prove challenging (his own job working remotely - not getting one there). FL is less expensive and the correct time zone, so seems the obvious choice (and perhaps where we'll go), but honestly we'd prefer one of the others if we can make it work out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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