Scarlett Posted November 14, 2013 Share Posted November 14, 2013 Edited 7-25-14 I am resurrecting this old thread.... He is driving me nuts with the negativity. Everything sucks! I hate everything! I hate school! I am bored! How do you handle a kid like that. There is only so 'much there there son it will be ok' I can manage. If I get stern with him he says 'I just need a hug.' Ugh. I am remembering my mom being exasperated with me being overly dramatic....but I don't remember what it was I was really needing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted November 14, 2013 Share Posted November 14, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I think it's just a 13yo boy thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted November 14, 2013 Author Share Posted November 14, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I think it's just a 13yo boy thing. I'm hoping. When I try to ignore it or minimize it he is totally offended because apparently it is proof I don't care. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted November 14, 2013 Share Posted November 14, 2013 I'm hoping. When I try to ignore it or minimize it he is totally offended because apparently it is proof I don't care. It's not easy being terrible mothers. People don't realize how hard we have to work at it. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PinkyandtheBrains. Posted November 14, 2013 Share Posted November 14, 2013 I try and empathize lightly with my Eeyore. Then move him onto a new topic, preferably a positive one if I can. I fail often at this but I do think it is partially the age. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dbmamaz Posted November 14, 2013 Share Posted November 14, 2013 idk, i had this trouble w my daughter - if i tried to be encouraging I was dumb, if I tried not to engage I obviously didnt care. I think she was more depressed than I realized. But we have a family history of mental health problems. I just felt amazingly lucky that my second teen didnt go through it - but also felt guilty because he'd gone through it younger and ended up on lots of meds . . . so maybe his easy teen attitude was due to the meds? idk, its a mystery. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted November 14, 2013 Share Posted November 14, 2013 When my ds gets like that, I try to dig deeper. So what sucks? Why are you bored? What specifically do you hate about school? I think there is an age, 13 would be appropriate, where they are starting to find their wings and like when they were two, they're just frustrated. This is the equivalent of a tired two-year old, they simply don't have the capacity to explain everything so they whine and cry and moan. Sooner than 13 my son said he hated school. It took a lot to NOT take it personally. Then I realized I hated school too. I gave him the right to hate it, but he couldn't be a booger about it. About that age, we sat down and started discussing his future. What do you want to study more in depth? What do you wish you fall to the bottom of the ocean (his words)? I started giving him more say in school and now he's better about school. Bored gets you more chores around here. Thankfully he's pretty adept at entertaining himself or having a project going. It was about that age too that he got into longer projects, so I'd make sure he has the tools for exploring and the space to keep something going. And, of course, the tried and true physical labor, also important. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted November 14, 2013 Author Share Posted November 14, 2013 When my ds gets like that, I try to dig deeper. So what sucks? Why are you bored? What specifically do you hate about school? I think there is an age, 13 would be appropriate, where they are starting to find their wings and like when they were two, they're just frustrated. This is the equivalent of a tired two-year old, they simply don't have the capacity to explain everything so they whine and cry and moan. Sooner than 13 my son said he hated school. It took a lot to NOT take it personally. Then I realized I hated school too. I gave him the right to hate it, but he couldn't be a booger about it. About that age, we sat down and started discussing his future. What do you want to study more in depth? What do you wish you fall to the bottom of the ocean (his words)? I started giving him more say in school and now he's better about school. Bored gets you more chores around here. Thankfully he's pretty adept at entertaining himself or having a project going. It was about that age too that he got into longer projects, so I'd make sure he has the tools for exploring and the space to keep something going. And, of course, the tried and true physical labor, also important. This is pretty much how I'm handling it. Bored gets him more chores too....but lately he just mopes around and does the chores and tells me a person can be bored WHILE doing chores. I probably need more activities, not chores, for him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted November 14, 2013 Share Posted November 14, 2013 I know...life is so rotten. Those starving kids in China have nothing on you. Poor thing. You only have 4 horses 2 four wheelers and 43 acres to run around on. Life is not fair. This gets me dirty looks but at least it shuts up the whining. (For my kid, she's just whining. YMMV) But then I got the worst mother of the year award last year, so my suggestions probably won't help you at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted November 14, 2013 Share Posted November 14, 2013 Seriously though, my dd has big plans for the future and all kinds of things that she wants to do with her life. The problem from her point of view is that it's going to be like A HUNDRED YEARS before she can ever really try her hand at any of these things. That is the heart of the problem when my dd gets like this. The capability to work a job, help someone, make plans and follow through on them is in the way far off distance. I bet your guy may need some kind of HARD project that takes multiple steps of planning and implementation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted November 14, 2013 Author Share Posted November 14, 2013 I know...life is so rotten. Those starving kids in China have nothing on you. Poor thing. You only have 4 horses 2 four wheelers and 43 acres to run around on. Life is not fair. This gets me dirty looks but at least it shuts up the whining. (For my kid, she's just whining. YMMV) But then I got the worst mother of the year award last year, so my suggestions probably won't help you at all. Well let me take that award off your hands. ;) My fear is I will minimize his whining and he will actually be suffering from real depression. Then I remember he is fine and happy when playing Minecraft or goofing off with his friends. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momacacia Posted November 14, 2013 Share Posted November 14, 2013 Two words: learned optimism. It's a book. Might be helpful. You have my sympathy. My life motto is, less in Eeyore, more Mary Poppins. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest submarines Posted November 14, 2013 Share Posted November 14, 2013 When my ds gets like that, I try to dig deeper. So what sucks? Why are you bored? What specifically do you hate about school? I think there is an age, 13 would be appropriate, where they are starting to find their wings and like when they were two, they're just frustrated. This is the equivalent of a tired two-year old, they simply don't have the capacity to explain everything so they whine and cry and moan. Sooner than 13 my son said he hated school. It took a lot to NOT take it personally. Then I realized I hated school too. I gave him the right to hate it, but he couldn't be a booger about it. About that age, we sat down and started discussing his future. What do you want to study more in depth? What do you wish you fall to the bottom of the ocean (his words)? I started giving him more say in school and now he's better about school. Bored gets you more chores around here. Thankfully he's pretty adept at entertaining himself or having a project going. It was about that age too that he got into longer projects, so I'd make sure he has the tools for exploring and the space to keep something going. And, of course, the tried and true physical labor, also important. I love that line. Thank you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted November 14, 2013 Share Posted November 14, 2013 Do you want to be miserable or do you want to feel better? If you want to feel better, start talking to yourself more than listening to yourself. I actually think "talking to yourself" (i.e., mentally speaking truth about the good in life, the real situation instead of the dramatized version, God's hand in it if you believe in God, etc) is an important life lesson. I'm still learning to do this (rather than be swept away by negative emotions that SEEM to be based on reality, but aren't). I wish someone had helped me when I was a teenager! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted November 18, 2013 Author Share Posted November 18, 2013 Do you want to be miserable or do you want to feel better? If you want to feel better, start talking to yourself more than listening to yourself. I actually think "talking to yourself" (i.e., mentally speaking truth about the good in life, the real situation instead of the dramatized version, God's hand in it if you believe in God, etc) is an important life lesson. I'm still learning to do this (rather than be swept away by negative emotions that SEEM to be based on reality, but aren't). I wish someone had helped me when I was a teenager! I said a lot of this to him this morning. He is on his last chance with me. It isn't just the Eeyore stuff but the constant bad attitude about every. Single. Thing in his life. I am at the end of my rope. I called the local public school on Friday and got a list of what needs to be done to enroll him. He heard me talking to them and begged me to give him a week to show me he could do better. This morning before he started school I had a talk with him to remind him of what happened on Friday and that he asked for a week. The entire conversation was negative....I remained calm, but I can feel myself tensing up. I am gobsmacked at how he can be in such a uncertain situation with regards to being able to keep homeschooling and yet have the nerve to try to get daily computer time out of me. I told him that I put a school week ban on the computer games because he needed to focus more and yet attitude and output is still so horrible that he is in danger of losing it altogether--- certainly NOT likely to get more time give unless and until I see long term changes. He is doing school now and the few comments he has made to me were very pleasant. So. Pray for me. And him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted November 18, 2013 Author Share Posted November 18, 2013 One of the things he said this morning.... Well, I was talking to him about the ANT ( automatic negative thought).....he hates school, nothing is fun etc....and mentioned the very fun weekend we just had. He says, 'well parts of it were fun.' Really? What parts were unfun? The company we had ...the kids were loud when he was trying to go to sleep and he had a headache. That was 10 min of a 3 and 5 yo winding down for bed. Literally. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted November 18, 2013 Share Posted November 18, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I think it's just a 13yo boy thing. Maybe. But it is something that should be corrected consistently, because if nothing else, it's bad manners, and bad manners should be corrected regardless of the perpetrator's age or gender. :-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted November 18, 2013 Share Posted November 18, 2013 I've resorted to "Suck it up, Buttercup." but I'm hesitant to recommend it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted November 18, 2013 Share Posted November 18, 2013 He's 13. They grow out of it - even if they are still homeschooled. Physical activity helped my son. Hugs helped my son. Yes, it was hard to listen to all of that because you can see that it lacks perspective. But if you sit and listen and listen and listen, eventually they will wind down and you can give your gentle perspective and hugs and they will be happy for the moment while they run off to play their computer games. Until the next time! But. . . over time it gets to be less and less and you come through to the other side with an older teen who knows that he has a mom who loves him and tries to understand him no matter what. At least that is our experience. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted November 18, 2013 Author Share Posted November 18, 2013 Jean thank you. I was able to listen today and the rest of the day has been good. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted November 18, 2013 Share Posted November 18, 2013 I've resorted to "Suck it up, Buttercup." but I'm hesitant to recommend it. I have been known to say this when my eeyore is being overly eeyorish. As I recall, it was pretty bad around age 13. Sometimes, I have been known to dramatically announce "You poor underprivaleged child! No access to education. No clean water. Some days you have no food to eat! Bullets flying past your head! Oh wait, those are the kids in parts of Afghanistan. Suck it up, Buttercup." If I am having a good day I try to validate his frustrations and give him the words he needs to express himself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Piper Posted November 19, 2013 Share Posted November 19, 2013 This is a great thread, and I am learning tons! I need to file this away... My ds, who is only 6, already has an Eeyore tendency. I'm trying to train him to focus on positive things whenever he gets negative on me. If I hear him say something negative about a situation, I give him a sentence or two that highlights the positive of that same situation and make him repeat it after me. Of course, I have no idea how that would go down with a 13-year old, but I do like the "listen" advice, too. Oh, and boredom in this house gets two responses: (1) chores, or (2) "Really? With all those toys you have? Well, I guess they're no use to you any more so I'll just go gather them up for donation to someone who will really enjoy them!" Either response is generally very effective! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted November 19, 2013 Author Share Posted November 19, 2013 This is a great thread, and I am learning tons! I need to file this away... My ds, who is only 6, already has an Eeyore tendency. I'm trying to train him to focus on positive things whenever he gets negative on me. If I hear him say something negative about a situation, I give him a sentence or two that highlights the positive of that same situation and make him repeat it after me. Of course, I have no idea how that would go down with a 13-year old, but I do like the "listen" advice, too. Oh, and boredom in this house gets two responses: (1) chores, or (2) "Really? With all those toys you have? Well, I guess they're no use to you any more so I'll just go gather them up for donation to someone who will really enjoy them!" Either response is generally very effective! Yes, that worked well for mine when he was six. Sigh. Life was so much simpler then. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne Posted November 19, 2013 Share Posted November 19, 2013 Jean had great advice and thoughts. I'd like to emphasize the value of physical exercise. Is he sweating hard at least an hour every day? It's amazing how much difference that can make in a young person's outlook! Anne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted November 19, 2013 Share Posted November 19, 2013 http://youtu.be/hFuLSB73ciU Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted November 19, 2013 Share Posted November 19, 2013 I thought of this thread tonight when my 16 year old was upset at having to do some chores. . . But it really is much less than it used to be! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in Neverland Posted November 19, 2013 Share Posted November 19, 2013 A snack A shower A nap That's what my moody teen gets when he is being really moody. I think I learned that from SWB. Every time he complains about something in his life he is required to tell me three positive things about his life. It's a family rule. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted July 25, 2014 Author Share Posted July 25, 2014 Yes this is an old thread but it has a lot of helpful advice. Jean's comments a few posts up were especially helpful to me last year and again this morning. I searched for ANT and my thread popped up. Sigh. Yesterday was a great day. We invited a few families over to swim. They got here around 2 and left at 7:00. Kids were in the pool playing hard for hours and we fed them great snacks and then around 6 they went in and played scrabble. As soon as they left I started a quick supper..ds14 instantly went into negative mood. I went into his room to say goodnight and he was soooo down. He said it was fun but now it is over and he has nothing to look forward to. I held my tongue...I hugged and kissed him and told him I am sorry he is feeling bad...that I hoped he slept well and felt better in the morning. I found a great resource this morning that I plan to go over with him...since many of you have a similar type kid I thought I would share. http://ahha.org/articles.asp?Id=100 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted July 25, 2014 Author Share Posted July 25, 2014 I didnt even see this video last November! It is great! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 I had to scroll back to see what I said! I think that fatigue brings out that negativity. You did well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 I'm pretty unsympathetic when my kids are whiny and overly dramatic. I usually either tell them to suck it up or that there are kids in the world who have to work 12 hours a day to support their families, are sex slaves, spend their lived tied to beds in orphanages, etc. I tell them those kids have a right to bitch and they don't, as they live in the lap of luxury and have pretty much everything they want. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 he's 13 - it's how the age is manifesting for him. help him learn how to reword things into a positive. this isn't a pollyannish thing, but learning to be more optimistic and the power of attitude. you can also tell him he can complaign about ? number of things a day, then he had to be more positive. negativity is very draining to be around. and the negative person will eventually be shunned. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted July 25, 2014 Author Share Posted July 25, 2014 Well this is a resurrected thread.....he is 14 now but I know much still applies. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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