lil' maids in a row Posted September 29, 2013 Share Posted September 29, 2013 My sister is getting married. I am thrilled for her, but I am starting to get more than a little nervous. She asked me to be her matron of honor (gosh that makes me sound so OLD) which is wonderful ($$$). She also wants all three of my girls to be in wedding ($$$) and wants dh to be a groomsman ($). I love my sister and I am so excited but I this is going to be super expensive. She has expensive tastes and I am not sure how we are going to afford to buy/rent so much formal attire and all the other expenses that come with a wedding. Should I talk with her to get a ballpark about what she is expecting for flower girl dresses, menswear and bridesmaids dresses? Do I just close my eyes and pray that she makes thoughtful choices? What would you do, if anything? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted September 29, 2013 Share Posted September 29, 2013 If you know she has expensive tastes that are way out of range for your family finances, I think you need to talk to her before everything is all picked out. Maybe you can get your girls' dresses at a consignment shop or on ebay in the preferred color scheme. Would you be the only bridesmaid? If not, maybe you can bow out, but have a role in helping her dress and then be in charge of wrangling your girls' in their parts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
raceNzanesmom Posted September 29, 2013 Share Posted September 29, 2013 That's a lot of $ even on a budget. Plus, the shower is your responsibility. I'd talk to her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mytwomonkeys Posted September 29, 2013 Share Posted September 29, 2013 We'll I would just talk with her. It's your sister, and I'm sure she will understand. That's a lot of money to budget for, so I think telling her you want to start putting it aside now is quite reasonable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Evergreen State Sue Posted September 29, 2013 Share Posted September 29, 2013 Talk to her about how much your family can afford and ask if she can help with the rest. I wouldn't bow out of being her matron of honor because . . . that is an honor! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justasque Posted September 29, 2013 Share Posted September 29, 2013 I absolutely would NOT simply wait and hope she makes good choices for how you should spend your money! She needs to know what you can and cannot do, in order to plan accordingly. There are ways to do this inexpensively, but they need to be considered early in the planning stages rather than brought up later, when commitments have already been made. You will need to, with her, make a list of various expenses you may encounter. In addition to the clothes and shoes for the wedding, there will be travel expenses, gifts, clothes for the rehearsal dinner or other additional activities, hen & bachelor party expenses, etc. etc. Ideas for you both to consider:~ Your dress could be similar to but a slightly different color than the bridesmaids. This would enable you to get one second-hand but still blend with the wedding party. ~ For the flower girls, getting second-hand matching dresses would be a challenge; instead, different dresses that blend with the theme may be easier to find. As an example, they could wear white dresses (second-hand communion dresses) with added sashes in a color to match the bridesmaids. David's Bridal sells sashes; you could also use a wide grosgrain or satin or velvet ribbon, perhaps with a lovely silk flower in the center of the bow. ~ For your dh and the groomsmen, suits are a good option. They are more expensive than renting tuxes, but can be reused (or they may already own them). ~ Payless has good generic dress shoes (white, black) for the girls.Simply put - you cannot fully/reliably commit until you know what you are committing to. You don't want to commit to something and then have to back out later on. It is best for *both* of you to know up-front what she expects from you. She needs to be able to depend on you; that can only happen if you discuss expectations and come to some agreement as early as possible in the planning process. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flowing Brook Posted September 29, 2013 Share Posted September 29, 2013 If it were me I would be upfront with her. The sooner the better. If you wait til she gets her heart set on something it could cause hard feelings. I think she should be understanding of the cost. If she wants something that is just too expensive maybe she can help with the cost. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beth S Posted September 29, 2013 Share Posted September 29, 2013 I agree with the previous suggestion of using white (sleeveless) dresses with the colored sashes for your girls. I would highly recommend that you ask around your friends and just borrow the girls' white dresses. There are many, many former flowergirls! You could also suggest that only one of your daughters be in the bridal party. You can usually buy David's bridesmaid's dresses secondhand on ebay, but alterations (& shoes & jewelry) can be expensive. You can actually buy inexpensive tuxedos, which are commonly used by orchestra members, or find a big sale between now and the wedding. Then rent the cumberbun and tie. Sometimes the groomsmen just wear vests (cheaper). Have your husband wear his own dress shoes. And I heartily agree that you need to do some quick research now about these more inexpensive alternatives, and then get back with her. Maybe say that you can afford $300 (or whatever) and would she be able to supplement the costs over and above that. She likely really wants you to be involved, but wedding just get complicated, and sometimes that causes hurt feelings. But definitely NOW is the time to address your boundaries with her! (And I've just BTDT with dd's wedding 3 months ago. Whew. It really gets crazy as the date approaches.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
klmama Posted September 29, 2013 Share Posted September 29, 2013 When is the wedding? Will it be around first communion time? If there is a Burlington Coat Factory near you, they have a huge selection at the right time of year. You may be able to find cute matching dresses for the girls at a reasonable price, possibly reduced further if it's after first communion. I purchased a flower girl dress there for about $35, which was less than half the price of the itchy, painful dresses for sale at JCPenney. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted September 29, 2013 Share Posted September 29, 2013 I'd call her to "discuss" a ballpark total budget for your familiy's wedding-involvement expenses, but during the discussion, I'd clearly share my own preferred - to - max budget... In cold hard cash terms. If it clearly isn't going to cover her ideas (and she says so) be clear that you would love the honour of all participating, but she's going to need to prioritize which members if your family she wants 'most' -- or if she'd rather re-think her ideas. Once a budget is settled, follow up is easy: Sissy, love ya, but the costs have topped out our budget. Which corners would you like me to start cutting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cera Posted September 29, 2013 Share Posted September 29, 2013 Not sure how old your girls are but I've got adorable size 4 and 6 flower girl dresses ($$$) that I just pulled out of the closet to get rid of (very cheap). A simple off white gown by US Angels that you add your own sash to (though they come with a coffee colored sash). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happypamama Posted September 29, 2013 Share Posted September 29, 2013 I would discuss it with her asap. If she does have expensive tastes, and they're not in your budget, maybe she'll help out with them. I'm my sister's matron of honor as well, and she's not asked me to pay for a single thing yet. She bought the dresses, hair accessories, etc. Really, she just wants me to be there and to stand up to support her on her big day, so maybe that's true of your sister as well. You just won't know if you don't discuss it with her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 Just another voice saying yes, please talk to her, the sooner the better. If you don't, and you are surprised by the costs, you risk resentment between you and her (and possibly your husband who is also affected by the financial outlay.) Be sure you talk about everything she would expect you to be responsible for. I noticed a pp mentioning that you would be responsible for the shower. That's not necessarily true in every situation (including my own), but I guess that's traditional, so you should check on that too. Don't leave this to chance. A misunderstanding in this can cause years of hurt feelings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigMamaBird Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 As the Matron of Honor, it's not unusual for you to have a dress that is different from the other bridesmaids. Hopefully you can get a dress that is in your budget while still adhering to the "look" your sister is going for. Definitely talk to her now and express your desire to be in the wedding and participate in her special day, while still staying below a set $ amount. There is a lot you can do to save money and if your sister in on board you'll have a delightful time celebrating her wedding! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 Yes, do talk to her now. Tell her that you love her and are thrilled she's getting married. But I think you also need to acknowledge that you are concerned about the cost for everyone to be involved in the wedding. See where the conversation goes from there and ask what her expectations are. I hope you can all come to a solution that works for her and isn't too expensive for your family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HS Mom in NC Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 You and your husband need to have a discussion about what exact dollar amount you are able to do for absolutely everything. Then you need to explain firmly but kindly to your sister that that amount is set in stone. If she's not willing for everything you're responsible for to be within that budget, she'll have to make other arrangements for the difference. Do. not. budge. I got married in 1993 for a total of $2,000 (not including the ring and honeymoon.) I paid for the maid of honor and bride's maid's dresses because I think it's inexcusable to expect someone else to pay for something related to my wedding. Yes, I know that's not the cultural norm here in the US. It's a tragic mistake to go into debt at all, much less for a wedding. When we got married, we had no debt other than my ring and paid it off early and only spent 1/2 the "suggested amount." We've been just as married for 20 years now. It was flat out foolish of us to spend that much on my ring. Not to be snarky, but it's generally true that if she's young, has no children, and this is her first wedding she may be absolutely clueless about what a married-with-kids financial situation is really like. It's not a character flaw on her part, she's just never BTDT. If she has money to burn on things that don't matter (expensive instead of inexpensive wedding related costs) then she can pony up the cash herself. Heaven knows there are people in the wedding industry that could use the business in this sluggish economy-more power to her! If your parents can't afford it either, this may be a very important thought process for her to go through before she starts spend other people's money. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 I know things change over time, but it is (at least was) considered improper for wedding showers to be hosted by immediate family members of the bride. Check Emily Post before you fret about that expense. ETA Like the poster above, I paid for the dresses for all my bridesmaids and dh paid for the groomsmen to rent tuxedos. We both personally felt that it was the least we could do since many of them had travel expenses. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plink Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 Yes, talk to her now. Another thing to consider is that having the entire family in the wedding may be logistically tricky. Who is going to be in charge of combing your youngest's hair when the bride wants help or pre-wedding photos? Who is going to haul a well intentioned yet distracting child to the back of the church in the middle of the service? Who is going to stand behind the photographer bouncing like a maniac and holding lollipops to bribe the kids to smile for the zillionth time when they are sick of taking photos? Having kids in a wedding is a lot of work regardless of the monetary cost. I'd seriously consider whether it is really possible for all of you to hold official roles. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfgivas Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 when our oldest got married, we were all in the wedding party except me. bridesmaid, junior bridesmaids, dh walking her down the aisle. we did a frank and honest money discussion up front. we stuck to the budget. she was marrying into a family where the "which designer did you decide to go with?" was considered a normal question. so i searched ebay and found a fabulous "mother of the bride" dress from a designer that had been worn once and was $35-. fortunately, she had communicated to me that she was worried how it would be viewed if it were simply "off the rack", and i was able to meet that need for her. (not my need, but hers at the time. now it would be different.). she also went with a colour scheme and general dress outline, and let her bridesmaids choose their own with her having a veto. it looked far nicer than it would have if she had chosen one style to go on such varied bodytypes. however, i would do what i could to make it financially possible and reasonable. my mom did offer to help, as did dd. dsil's folks actually shared half the wedding cost, as our budget wasn't going to meet their needs. we were thrilled. i guess a long way of saying that its family, you want to support her, and its the "how" rather than the "whether" which is a good place to start discussing it with her. fwiw, ann Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lil' maids in a row Posted October 1, 2013 Author Share Posted October 1, 2013 Thank you all for your responses. I talked with my sister and she doesn't sound very flexible about the idea of using closely matched dresses from a consignment store or simple cotton dresses with matching sashes (sigh....). It sounds like she really wants something new and higher end. She is now leaning toward just having my youngest as a flower girl. It would be so nice (both financially and stress-wise) if I could be a bridesmaid and dd4 could be a flower girl and the rest of the family could just enjoy the experience. Thank you so much for encouraging me to talk with her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MomtoCandJ Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 For my wedding (8 years ago today :) ), I just picked a color and told the girls to pick out what they could afford with in the color range (lavender dresses with white or silver shoes). I purchased the flower girl dress from JC Penny's. I know my girls didn't spend much on thier dresses (I don't think any one spent more then $100 on thier dresses and shoes). We spent more on pictures then we did on most of the other stuff all put together, which I'm glad we did because those are the last pictures we have of my daddy, he passed away 25 days later (the day after his and mom's 25th anniversary) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 Thank you all for your responses. I talked with my sister and she doesn't sound very flexible about the idea of using closely matched dresses from a consignment store or simple cotton dresses with matching sashes (sigh....). It sounds like she really wants something new and higher end. She is now leaning toward just having my youngest as a flower girl. It would be so nice (both financially and stress-wise) if I could be a bridesmaid and dd4 could be a flower girl and the rest of the family could just enjoy the experience. Thank you so much for encouraging me to talk with her. Not for anything, but if she's going to be inflexible, you may want to inform her that if she wants everything new and high end, that she will have to pay for both your dress and your dd's dress, and that the rest of your family will not be participating in the ceremony. High end bridesmaid's dresses can cost thousands of dollars -- or at least several hundred dollars. Are you OK with spending that much for both your dress and your dd's dress? And will she want you to wear a particular style and brand of shoes, as well? Will she expect you to pay for having your hair, makeup, and manicure done on the day of the wedding? These things will cost you quite a lot of money, and you need to be prepared to spend quite a lot of cash -- and if you're not, NOW is the time to tell your sister, while she still has time to make alternate arrangements. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 I agree with Cat. It's not just the cost of the dresses, the other stuff will add up. You may want to clarify the added expenses too. You may need to back out now. Your sister has no clue what it's like to come up with these expenses when you have a family. It will take at least until she has kids to "get it". When I was maid of honor for my sister, my parents paid for my dress (I was in grad school). When my sister was matron of honor for me, my mom sewed all the bridesmaid dresses (5). The dresses were essentially a gift. I told my bridesmaids to where black pumps with the dresses, only one of them had to buy a pair of shoes. Although I had dreams of a certain "look" the reality was I knew my sister was broke (new baby and a dh who lost his job around the time of the wedding), one of my good friends was supporting her dh through grad school on her income as an artist, another good friend never had a lot of money and one of my soon to be sils was always broke (mil bought her the black pumps). Knowing the circumstances of the bridal party helped me figure out appropriate wedding attire. It was not about having the perfect models--I wanted these people to celebrate with me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plansrme Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 Thank you all for your responses. I talked with my sister and she doesn't sound very flexible about the idea of using closely matched dresses from a consignment store or simple cotton dresses with matching sashes (sigh....). It sounds like she really wants something new and higher end. She is now leaning toward just having my youngest as a flower girl. It would be so nice (both financially and stress-wise) if I could be a bridesmaid and dd4 could be a flower girl and the rest of the family could just enjoy the experience. Thank you so much for encouraging me to talk with her. Is that not going to hurt your other girls' feelings? Why not have the girls all as flower girls and you not be in the wedding? I'm just thinking that all of the girls would like being flower girls--who wouldn't?--and would be jealous of the youngest. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 Is that not going to hurt your other girls' feelings? Why not have the girls all as flower girls and you not be in the wedding? I'm just thinking that all of the girls would like being flower girls--who wouldn't?--and would be jealous of the youngest. Life is not fair. I say that in a total non snarky way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beth S Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 Is that not going to hurt your other girls' feelings? Why not have the girls all as flower girls and you not be in the wedding? I'm just thinking that all of the girls would like being flower girls--who wouldn't?--and would be jealous of the youngest. I believe for many girls, NOT being the flower girl is the preferable option. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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