Mothering in the girl teenage years...

[stephanie]

It's happening! Dd11 (about to be 12) runs in the house after dance, straight up the stairs, and off to her room. I asked her what was wrong and she says nothing. Then ds18 comes in looking dumbfounded as to what happened on the ride home from picking dd up.

 

In a nutshell, he told her not to do something, she got ticked, disrespected him, and that was all it took. Ds handled it well (per other dd who was in the car), but it was dd11 who lost it. I heard things like, "No one cares for me here", "No one loves me", "No one takes my side..EVER". I understood the feelings....I'd felt all those things before when I was young so I just told her I was sorry she felt that way and reassured her that we all love and care for her very much. Getting her way does not equate to loving her or caring for her.

 

But I've been noticing both my girls, dd13,dd11, becoming more and more emotional, easily frustrated, crying more, some attitude, and just overall dramatic. I recognize this. I know this well and it's no fun. I still feel like thisnsometimes and I'm 40. My issue is that I'm not sure how to be a good mother through this. I don't want to be insensitive, but I also don't want to be manipulated. I'm not sure what needs a big hug or a big consequence.

 

Then I have my dh who isn't so understanding regarding the whole female emotions. I'm a transparent person, maybe a little on the easily hurt side, but nothing over the top. Dh says he never even knows when I'm on my period so I consider my self-control pretty good...lol. Dd11 is quite the opposite though, and dh doesn't have a lot of patience with that. He can handle emotional women, but not when he feels attacked or disrespected like dd makes him feel. We are working to try to understand the girls better (well, Im trying to teach him) so Im hopeful that'll pay off. I just don't want to mess up...like REALLY mess up. I want to be the mother to my girls that will be what they need and them be able to be out in the world knowing they have parents who will listen and do our best to support them in the way they need support. Not necessarily even understand them, but love them through it.

 

So what do I prep for? How do I prepare my boys for this? Ive talked to both my boys about the girls and they, of course, just nod their heads then reply how they're glad they're not girls. I'm just worried about the real application of everything Ive told them. I expect arguments, I expect hurt feelings and them being plain ticked at each other. But I don't want it to turn to division in the family. So how do you avoid that? What if one child is a pain to be around? What do I do when I'm ready to scream and pack their bags for them? (Picking about packing bags, but you kwim).

 

Just what do I do so my house still has peace? What do I NOT do as a mother as to not hurt my kids? But then how do I keep our boundaries in place as we've always had? I need to mention that my dc are great kids though. They Are loving and kind to people...except when they're on each others nerves ðŸ˜

Wisdom is much needed here, please. Everyday is a new challenge for me, and I want to start asap in being a help to my emotional kiddos right now.

 

Ps...in regards to ds18 and the "fight" he had with dd11, she came down stairs and apologized to him and they hugged and told each other they loved each other. 😌

 

Pps...boys really are easier than girls!!!

[DianeW88]

Grit your teeth...you're in for a ride. :D  It gets better around 16 or 17 with girls.  And yes, boys are easier.

[wapiti]

 "No one cares for me here", "No one loves me", "No one takes my side..EVER". 

 

Are y'all sure boys are easier?  Because my ds10 says these things all too often (this exact string of things, and so often that I'm frantically trying to figure him out... it couldn't just be hormones, could it?  nah, too easy...)  Dd12 has been no picnic, but ds10 is worse.  Other ds10 seems ok now but his developmental schedule has been a little slower.  He just likes to push his brother's buttons.

[Joker]

The best thing for me has been to remember what is was like at that age. I remember getting very dramatic and upset, and then wishing I could take it all back. I couldn't but I didn't want to back down so things would escalate because my parents wouldn't back down either. I have learned to see things from her point of view and try to avoid needing to back down. She doesn't want to be an emotional mess anymore than I want to take offense and escalate things. We make sure she gets enough sleep (even though none of her friends go to bed so early :tongue_smilie:), and we give her time to calm down and sort out her feelings on her own without getting in trouble (even when she's already done or said something she shouldn't). If she can't calm down and realize she was in the wrong, then obviously there are consequences. It rarely happens that she can't realize she overreacted. It's made a huge difference and I really enjoy being around her now.

[MrsH]

:bigear:  I have been wondering some of these same things lately! It's scary to me how easily/quickly a we can become disconnected, and in my family of origin, we still haven't really re-connected.  For my kids, I want them to each know that they're an invaluable and loved member of this family, but it's so hard to feel loving when being treated so disrespectfully!

 

I've been really focused on giving my kids "making up" skills.  This involves the apology, but also some sort of restitution where needed.  We also a lot about concepts from "How Full is Your Bucket?" and frequently read the kid's version of that w/ them all.  There's also one for older kids, but we haven't looked at it yet.

 

I'm very interested in what others have to say!

 

[Susan in TX]

First of all remember that "This too shall pass". I have found that the ages between 11 and 14 are the hardest with girls. The best thing to do is not to over-react to outbursts. A little empathy and a hug goes a long way. I will send mine to their rooms to calm down if they get overly emotional. That is usually the only discipline that is necessary.

 

Susan in TX

 

[TKDmom]

I occasionally wonder if my dd12 is going to send me over the edge...

 

Last night she was sobbing hysterically after a very minor incident with her sister at bedtime. I talked to her for a few minutes but had no effect on her, so I told everyone else to leave her alone. After about 15 minutes I asked dh to talk to her. Sometimes she just needs a nice, stable man to help bring her back to earth. He didn't talk to her. He just invited her out to the couch to watch football for 20 minutes, and sent her back to bed when she calmed down. <shrug>

 

My current goal is to learn to control my emotions and not get wrapped up in her emotional outbursts. I don't have any BTDt advice, just commiseration.

 

(And I realized that by the time dd#1 goes to college, dd#2 will just be starting puberty :svengo: )

[LindaOz]

 My issue is that I'm not sure how to be a good mother through this. I don't want to be insensitive, but I also don't want to be manipulated. I'm not sure what needs a big hug or a big consequence.

 

Then I have my dh who isn't so understanding regarding the whole female emotions. I'm a transparent person, maybe a little on the easily hurt side, but nothing over the top. Dh says he never even knows when I'm on my period so I consider my self-control pretty good...lol.

 

I love what you said about wanting to be sensitive but not wanting to be manipulated - that's an important distinction to make, I think. Also, that you feel you have good self-control - fantastic.  You'll be great at teaching your dd's to be the same.  Talk to them about how you feel at times and how you handle it.  That communication and sharing will go a long way.

 

I currently have 4 teenage girls :001_smile: .  I talk to them fairly early on about self-control and how we, as girls, need to be careful not to take our feelings out on those around us.  Teaching that self-control early on has really worked here.  We talk about how we have to try harder at certain times of the month etc.  It helps them know that I am on side with them but that there are boundaries on behaviour.  I've found it to work well.

 

HTH

[My3girls]

Dd11 is in the same boat. I let her know I understand, and I have bad days too. It's part of being female, but doesn't give us the right to take it out on others. I let her know when she is being overly dramatic or emotional and tell her to take it to her room until she can get a grip on it. I am always open to talk about absolutely anything but only calmly and rationally. I remember going through this phase all too well and control took me a long time gain. So I'm being as understanding as I can, but I can only take so much!

[Danestress]

 

 

It strikes me that you are spending a lot of time thinking about how girls 'feel' and trying to get your husband to understand her inner world. That is entirely a good thing.

 

But a painful part of growing up for girls is recognizing that most of the world doesn't care if you are PMSing, isn't interested in your mood swings, and won't tolerate whining and crying about relatively small things. So the ultimate goal is to find ways to express a more passionate, emotional nature without punishing those around you - perhaps through journaling, art, music etc.

 

My mom was very understanding of emotional outbursts. My father was entirely uninterested and unsympathetic. Both of these things were gifts. My mom helped me cope, my dad was pretty much the way most bosses, professors, home mates and spouses would be for the rest of my life. I am glad my mom let my dad just be the way he was.

[sagira]

Danestress, I'm curious though, do you still have a close, loving relationship with your father?

 

I have two girls, now aged 6 and 2. I also have an older son, who's now 10. I anticipate ds not pampering them or caring about their feelings as much as we as parents will. At the same time, I believe teaching in empathy is important, especially as a future husband himself.

[Danestress]

Danestress, I'm curious though, do you still have a close, loving relationship with your father?

 

I have two girls, now aged 6 and 2. I also have an older son, who's now 10. I anticipate ds not pampering them or caring about their feelings as much as we as parents will. At the same time, I believe teaching in empathy is important, especially as a future husband himself.

My father died a few years ago. Yes, I was close to him. He was a great father and devoted grandfather. My relationship with him was different from my relationship with my Mom, but not really less close.

 

And I would not say he lacked empathy. He just didn't have the patience with historonics.

 

Eta: having all boys, I do think it is important for them to understand how girls see things and respond differently from men. I do want them to be loving, patient husbands. I would not encourage a boy to be less compassionate and understanding of stereotypical female PMS behavior. I know some women have mood swings they feel unable to control.

 

I was just trying to tell OP that her husband brings different gifts to the table.

[sagira]

Thank you, Danestress. That is good to know, asI don't think dh will be as patient as me. His sister was ten years younger, so he doesn'f really know about growing up with young teen girls.

 

Dd11 is in the same boat. I let her know I understand, and I have bad days too. It's part of being female, but doesn't give us the right to take it out on others. I let her know when she is being overly dramatic or emotional and tell her to take it to her room until she can get a grip on it. I am always open to talk about absolutely anything but only calmly and rationally.

I am just now learning (at 36 no less) that I have control over this. My parents just sort of thought it came with the package and was part of hormones. My mom went through menopause at the same time I was going through puberty. Not a good time. Poor dad (super patient man) sandwiched in between.

[lllll]

..

[MrsH]

As a person whose anxiety spirals out of control when I'm PMS-ing, and who has irregular cycles meaning I never know whether the anxiety is something to be heeded or "just" PMS, I do think that some education can be helpful.  I've talked w/ my eldest about how that time can feel extra hard for me and I need to pay even closer attention than usual that I'm taking care of myself through good eating, sleeping, and exercise.  In this case, PMS isn't an excuse for bad behavior, but I do ask for extra time to take care of those things when I'm feeling more anxious than usual.  I hope that dd11 will learn to say "I'm feeling really sad/angry/worried/whatever and I'm going to take a walk/bath/read a book/say no thank you to that junk food." Noticing the link doesn't excuse it, and I agree, I HATE when people suggest that I might "just" be PMS-ing, because I think it invalidates any possible root cause to what's bothering me. But, If I suspect that it's that time and it's contributing to higher anxiety, I will try to consciously make the choice to wait to deal with it until at least I'm not extra-anxious.

[Tracy]

My mom talked to me about all the physical aspects of menstruation, but never about the emotional ones.  I was married for several years before I started to see a correlation between arguments and menstruation.  And my dh, great man that he is, never said anything about it.  But once I recognized it, I could do something about it.  If you don't have PMS in your family, it makes sense you wouldn't talk about it.  But my dd8 is already having moments where she is crying and doesn't know why.  She deserves to understand herself so she can take proper steps to cope with it.  

[fairfarmhand]

I tell my kids to expect all kinds of strange feelings, but they need to understand that feelings are NOT necessarily fact. We need to recognize that yes, we will feel certain ways in our lives but the feelings can't be in charge.

 

We can feel grumpy, but that's no excuse to take our grumpies out on those we live with. Turn it back around, "How would you like it if...." I also try to give the kids space if they are feeling out of sorts. They spend more time alone on hormonal days and that's fine with me.

 

This is for boys AND girls.

 

I don't like blaming PMS for moodiness or crabbiness because my dh is much more emotionally volatile than me and he's never had PMS. People can be grumpy or opinionated and it has nothing to do with their hormones sometimes.

 

Remember the episode from the Cosby show, when Rudy gets her period. I love when Claire takes down Theo's friend WRT his opinions about women and hormones.

 

This article sums up my feelings.

 

"Clair’s cool-headed takedown of Theo’s friend Danny serves the same purpose. He makes the hardly unique argument that “between premenstrual syndrome, postmenstrual syndrome, and their visit from Aunt Flo,†women are crazy all month long. She counters that women are entitled to whatever emotions they happen to be experiencing, and to chalk their feelings up to “hormones†is a way of invalidating them. She caps off the conversation with the line of the episode: “These people should be very happy when women get visits from their aunts, because if they didn’t, there would be no uncles.†It’s little wonder Theo tries so hard to extricate Danny from what he knows will be a losing battle."

 

BTW, I do give my girls specific instructions on how to avoid/minimize grumpies...Eat healthy food. Exercise. Rest. Give yourself a special treat when you feel a bit under the weather.

 

Above all, boys and girls need to be SUPER willing to apologies when they hurt someone else in the midst of moodiness.

[ErinE]

It strikes me that you are spending a lot of time thinking about how girls 'feel' and trying to get your husband to understand her inner world. That is entirely a good thing.

 

But a painful part of growing up for girls is recognizing that most of the world doesn't care if you are PMSing, isn't interested in your mood swings, and won't tolerate whining and crying about relatively small things. So the ultimate goal is to find ways to express a more passionate, emotional nature without punishing those around you - perhaps through journaling, art, music etc.

 

My mom was very understanding of emotional outbursts. My father was entirely uninterested and unsympathetic. Both of these things were gifts. My mom helped me cope, my dad was pretty much the way most bosses, professors, home mates and spouses would be for the rest of my life. I am glad my mom let my dad just be the way he was.

It's not just men that don't have patience for emotional outbursts. For awhile, I worked with younger women and the list of excuses they could come up with! Finally, the female boss said, "Enough! I don't want to know when you're bloated or having your monthly visitor. It's gross. You know what the expectations are. Suck it up and get it done."

[Chrysalis Academy]

The rule at our house is, you get to feel what you feel . . . but you have to treat the other members of your family with love and respect.  Period (hee hee).  My dh can be just as moody (though surely for different reasons) as dd10 and I can be . . . and it's ok.  Saying "I'm cranky today, please give me some space." is perfectly acceptable, we all have days like this.  Even in Australia.  Being bitchy is not ok, no matter how bad you feel.  Or, if you are bitchy, apologizing quickly and sincerely is very, very important.  

 

I get it, my dd10-going-on-11 has days when her whole happy, peaceful, well-ordered world is completely upside down.  And that's ok.  I'll lie on the bed with her and hug her and talk her down . . . but she is not given a pass on treating the rest of the family the way she'd like to be treated.

 

 

[AMJ]

:bigear:   Really, I need Elephant ears.  I'm listening that hard.

 

My eldest is 12,and yup, puberty and all its angst is starting to hit.  I have a little sneak peek due to my 13-almost-14 niece, though I don't expect my DD12 to try that hard to lie (and my niece isn't even good at it).

 

Part of the reason I find myself puzzled was the situation was so much different when I was a kid.  Not being a kid, but being allowed to be a kid.  Our family dynamics were rather messed up, and I had too many responsibilities, and no chance to be a tween or early teen.  I'm trying to learn how to relate.

 

So, I hear you and thank you, OP, and will continue to vulch here to glean good advice!

[ThatHomeschoolDad]

So far, 12 really hasn't been anything I can't handle, although I do count on at least two professionals -- DW, the veteran middle school teacher, who deals with this age range for a living, regularly reassures me that yes, everything is normal, and yes, it would be far worse in PS.  Then there's the child life specialist at my local cancer center, who is a gem.  DD always comes out of those sessions very bouncy and happy, even more bouncy than is her default mode, which is pretty bouncy indeed.

 

I had horrible anxiety in high school, which only now do I really recognize for what it was, and I'm sure i must be saying to DD what I wish my mom said to me.  So yeah, I count a psychologically crappy childhood as pretty decent parental training!

 

 

[fraidycat]

I'm listening.

 

Last night I was googling which local middle school we were zoned for, texting DH about my imminent nervous breakdown, and had a good cry in the shower.

 

Yes, I'm the proud parent of an eleven year old daughter.

 

And I can't use my own tween age years as points of reference, because even Mom says that I was not a "normal" girl. I do not remember any emotional volatility until after having children.

[brehon]

I'm listening.

 

Last night I was googling which local middle school we were zoned for, texting DH about my imminent nervous breakdown, and had a good cry in the shower.

 

Yes, I'm the proud parent of an eleven year old daughter.

 

And I can't use my own tween age years as points of reference, because even Mom says that I was not a "normal" girl. I do not remember any emotional volatility until after having children.

This is me. My mom confirms that I was never dramatic, emotional, or had stereotypical PMS symptoms. My eldest dd is 10 & I'm just starting to see the first flush of hormonally induced emotions. Ds12, on the other hand, has been in full-fledged puberty for over a year. <sigh>.

[fairfarmhand]

 

And I can't use my own tween age years as points of reference, because even Mom says that I was not a "normal" girl. I do not remember any emotional volatility until after having children.

 

yup. I was very calm throughout my teen years. My dh.....

 

 

 

wasn't.

[duckens]

Stephanie, I share this with you because I do not want your relationship with your daughter to go down the same route as where my parents are with me.  I am sure you have a much better handle on this than my folks, but some of these things need to be shared just in case you are missing something.

 

I do not have teenage girls (yet), but I was once a teenage girl.

 

And I was NOT in a good situation.

 

For years within my childhood, real or imagined, I felt that I could not go to my parents because they would not understand what I was saying, or they would tell me it was all my fault.

 

There are sooooooooo many things about my childhood and my teen years that my parents STILL do not know about (I'm 43).   The last time I tried to talk to my mom about things that happened to me at age 4-5, she shut me down in 30 seconds.  She explained that the reason she and dad didn't help me more was because I made different choices than my siblings as an adult. 

 

Yeah, maybe my point-of-view as a child was more real than imagined.

 

By the time I became a teen and the serious behavioral problems started, they were 10 years too late.  I couldn't handle my world as it was any longer, and they were mad at me for messing up their perfect Christian family.

 

Our relationship has never recovered, and, sadly, I've given up trying within the past year.  I'm just trying to move on and raise my girls the best I can.

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

The lesson is:

 

Is there something you are missing?

 

Often, in upsetting situations, I ask my girls, "What do you want to say?  What do you want to tell me?  What do I need to know about this situation?"

 

When something "not right" happens in their world, I praise them repeatedly for letting me know.  And, if I can,  I fix it for them, because I am the adult in the situation.  Even if you have a 17yo, you are the adult in the situation.  

 

(Last year in swim class, one of the boys kept spitting water in dd6's face as she arose from bobs.  Another would hold her under.  I emailed the director, spoke with the teacher, and prepped dd6 to raise her hand to tell her teacher if anything else happened).

 

Many people feel kids should solve their problems themselves, but ..uh... wouldn't they have done that already if they could?

 

I talk with my girls that I hope they will come to me, and it is my job to handle it well --WHATEVER they tell me. 

 

I tell them they are good girls.  Not perfect girls....but I'm not a perfect mom.

 

Most of all, we want the lines of communication open.  Maybe she has a good reason for feeling as she does.  Maybe she doesn't.  But if she doesn't feel she can come to you, you will never know.

 

 

[maize]

Well, my POV is probably not what you're looking for - but here goes.

 

I just treated all our kids more or less the same. I definitely never "talked to my boys about the girls" (or vice versa). I don't understand why the boys would even need to be "prepared". Everybody gets emotional at one time or another - boys as well as girls. I've seen this general attitude towards teen girls on this board for years now and I've never quite understood it. It almost seems to be setting the girls up to get away with emotional outbursts at the drop of a hat. Kind of a built-in excuse to misbehave under the guise of 'hormones' or 'PMS'ing'.

 

I do agree that there can be personalities which are more emotional than others. Of our 6 dc, 2 of them were more verbal, thus, I was more likely to know when something was bothering them. But one of those kids was a boy and one was a girl. And one of these went off on a tangent about food for a while and I had to spend a lot of time talking with that particular one. But the other 2 boys and the other 2 girls had totally different personalities from these 2. I had to actually ASK those 4 what was bothering them, if I suspected they were upset about something - the boys as well as the girls. But I never let ANY of them get away with backtalk or being disrespectful to me or to their brothers and sisters. No matter what excuse they came up with. It just wasn't allowed in our family.

 

I know when I was dating my dh, he once (and ONLY once) made some stupid comment about my PMS'ing as a reason I was upset about something. I was dumbfounded and asked him where he had gotten such an idea from and he said his mother "warned" him about girls and PMS. All I could do was sit and stare at him for a few seconds. And then I got mad. REALLY mad. I barely knew what PMS was and I had never had it in my life, and from where I was sitting he was just using it as an excuse to ignore something I was genuinely upset about. And that's when I realized that when a female plays the PMS card, she's actually setting herself up to be dismissed as some kind of out-of-control, hysterical female. NOT a precedent I wanted to set for my girls.

 

So, no, I didn't have any special talks with any of our dc about hormones, teen years, etc. I just dealt with misbehavior when it arose. Swiftly and decisively.

There is some sense in what you are saying, BUT the fact that you don't experience PMS doesn't mean it isn't very real for others. No one really told me about PMS, and I wish someone had because I was in my early twenties before I recognized a significant pattern in my life: every single time it felt like the world was falling apart around me, my period would start a day or two later. Oh. Sure wish I would have recognized that sooner, it would have saved me a lot of anguish. Once I recognized what was going on I knew that all I had to do was wait a couple days and the feeling of disaster hanging over my head would go away.

[lllll]

..

[maize]

Never said it wasn't real. Just that *I* had never had it. Which made my dh's statement all the more infuriating to me. His assumption was a sneaky way to avoid dealing with what was really annoying me.

But your approach of not discussing it with your children will not help them if they or their spouse do experience it. It can be really helpful for a person who does experience hormonally driven emotional fluctuations to recognize them for what they are. Otherwise you can get stuck trying to work out problems that don't actually need to be worked out.

[lllll]

..

[MerryAtHope]

It's happening! Dd11 (about to be 12) runs in the house after dance, straight up the stairs, and off to her room. I asked her what was wrong and she says nothing. Then ds18 comes in looking dumbfounded as to what happened on the ride home from picking dd up.

 

In a nutshell, he told her not to do something, she got ticked, disrespected him, and that was all it took. Ds handled it well (per other dd who was in the car), but it was dd11 who lost it. I heard things like, "No one cares for me here", "No one loves me", "No one takes my side..EVER". I understood the feelings....I'd felt all those things before when I was young so I just told her I was sorry she felt that way and reassured her that we all love and care for her very much. Getting her way does not equate to loving her or caring for her.

 

 

 

I think you are on the right track here, I would just take it a few steps farther.

 

I don't find girls or boys easier, just different. Both my kids have things that set them off, and both have specific ways of reacting to them that are probably somewhat stereotypical to their gender, and also to teen years, but also somewhat individual too. Bottom line...it doesn't matter.

 

What does matter is relationships, how we handle them, and how we treat each other.

 

I love that you went and talked with your daughter and listened to her feelings and could understand and communicate that you understand. Sometimes those kinds of feelings are scary. She needs help going to the next level though.

 

1, it's not appropriate to exaggerate and say no one loves me, no one ever takes my side etc... These things are not true, and it's not fair to other members of the family to say them.

 

2, saying these types of things are ways to try to control and manipulate into getting one's way, rather than attempts to truly communicate and solve problems. These are not healthy strategies for her to pursue, and she needs help learning that.

 

So...you get to the heart--not generalizations about no one understanding etc... but specifics. What happened? What did he say, what did she say. Why did that upset her (or each one, whatever the case may be)? What could each have done differently?

 

I taught my kids from a young age to communicate these things. "When you said/did x, it made me feel that you don't respect me." or whatever. Make them say these things to each other, after they have calmed down, to work things out. Have them role-play a new conversation where they speak in ways that do respect each other, or whatever the issue was.

 

Once they have worked it out and understand each other, then she will be at a point to realize saying "no one loves me" was out of line, and to ask forgiveness for saying things like that. He may need to ask for forgiveness as well, depending on his actions or words. Or sometimes the conversations have started with asking for forgiveness and then role-playing, depending on when the realization happened.

 

Bottom line--teach them how to communicate with each other and work through things with each other. I spent years walking my kids through this, and now they can easily do it on their own, without me there. (And I have to remind myself now to stay out and let them solve their problems! They know how now, and rarely need my intervention).

 

These are important life skills they will need as adults, in the workplace, in their marriages--so many marriages suffer because people just assume the other should magically know what they are thinking and they don't really communicate. Often, if they did, they would find out that the other had no idea at all. It's worth it to go through this hard work now of helping them learn how to communicate and solve problems together. Initially, it will take longer to calm down and get to a point of being able to address the issues with the other, but over time it gets easier.  And it gets easier to ask for forgiveness over time too! 

 

I HTH some! Merry :-)

[VaKim]

My girls are now 19 and 15. Oldest has always been very laid back and even-keeled. Youngest, the opposite from the day she was born, with many meltdowns and much emotion, which did not change when she reached the teens. I have always taught them self-control. You may be miserable, but you may not make everybody else miserable in the process. 

 

One thing my youngest does is send me an email or leave a note when she wants to share something with me. I have always encouraged them to do this if they can't talk about it out loud (sometimes emotions prevent talking, lol). Also, I have made a practice of regularly asking them how things are going. How is life? What is good? What is bad? Any problems? Any new interests or desires to do something that I could help them with? Etc. In spite of the tears and meltdowns, life has been very peaceful for us.