If your child has launched out, I need prayers.

[AmyontheFarm]

Our soon to be 20dd has decided she wants to launch out.  She is moving 6 hours away to live in the home of her boyfriends mother.  Boyfriend is 2 hours from there attending school.  We found out Wed. night and she leaves on Saturday.  She will be gone for 2-3 weeks and then returning to the area for a week to attend her cousin's wedding.  From there she is uncertain.

 

My 10dd is devistated and wanted to know from me why "N" thinks she has to move out to grow up.  Then my 10dd said, "maybe when she grows up she'll realize she never had to leave home to do it".  Right now I think my 10 dd is the wisest person in this house.

 

We are trying to keep this light, on the happier side and talking about how this is a good thing.

 

It's not a good thing, but it could be worse.

 

I need your prayers.  For wisdom to say the right things, for courage to face this week end, for strength to open my arms to let her go, I am hurting so bad.

 

She told us and her counselor that she isn't leaving because she is angry or anything like that.  She just feels it is time to launch.  She hasn't been staying her at night because she feels leaving here again will be too difficult right now, so she's been staying at night over at my best friends house.  I was glad she went there, I don't worry about her there.

 

I am so sad.  I HATE change.  My daughter knows this, but she also knows that I come around in a week or two, I wish she had given us time to adjust to this before she left, but she didn't and she won't.   She could have been blessed through this transition, we would have provided basic necessities, but she won't budge and hubby has decided that if she does this, she does it on her own dime.  She has $5000 saved so she thinks she rules the world with that in her savings account.  I did ask hubby and he agreed, so I picked up her vitamins and iron tablets to send with her because I knew she was out.  She has borderline low iron levels, so I want her to keep taking them but I won't be there to remind her to take them everyday.

 

She will be in a safe place.  She will be continuing her schooling.  I will see her again and she says she understands she is welcome to come home at any time.  She knows she is loved.

 

I just never thought that launching a child would be so emotionally hard.  I know she needs to grow up, I just hope I can grow up faster than her.

 

Pray that Jehovah will comfort me please.  Pray for peace for me and my family please.  Pray for wisdom to say the right words, pray for strength to release her happily.  Pray please.

 

Amy

[unsinkable]

(((Amy)))

 

I am so sorry it is so painful!

 

I'm praying!

[PrincessMommy]

being the parent of older teen/young adult children is THE HARDEST part of parenting.  I'd take a house full of diapers and crying toddlers any day.

 

Many ((((hugs))))

 

 

[Mary in VA]

You will be okay  :grouphug:  :grouphug: . I have launched both of mine and survived.  It was easier though because we knew for years that oldest was going to college which gave everyone time to process.  When you know something is coming you can be mentally and emotionally prepared.  So sorry this came with such short notice for you! My oldest  went 12 hours away for college.  When she graduated she got a job there and stayed.  Youngest just left for college last month, but she is 1,000 miles, 16 hour drive away.  But the transition has been eased because oldest moved back home in June.  She couldn't get a job directly in her chosen field after a year so came home.  She got a job here in 10 days and is living at home for the present.  We live in a very high cost area.  Plus she likes being home and we like having her!!!  What an unexpected blessing she has been.  But I can honestly say we had fully adjusted to her being 12 hours away.  She was happy there and succeeding.

 

I know when my oldest left it really helped that I was still homeschooling her younger sister.  I really enjoyed the one-on-one time with her.  Focus on the dc still at home and enjoy your time with them.  Be encouraging to you dd as she leaves and help her succeed.  As hard as it is to launch our dc, that was the goal all along! I don't remember if you have shared anything else about this dd, i.e. if your unhappy with her bf, or his mom, or her choices.  But if it isn't a healthy situation for her, work hard to keep those lines of communication open and let her know she is always welcome at home, while still encouraging her to succeed where she is.  It is so hard to let our dc go  :grouphug:   :grouphug:

 

After I graduated college and graduate school I went in the military.  I married a man in the military.  We went all over the world.  My mom was a widow and I was her only child.  One time when I was upset that we were being sent so far away from her (we were already on the other side of the country) she encouraged me about the assignment.  She told me it was one of her favorite world cities. And she said something that made a HUGE difference to me and I have told my ddd this.  She said, "You have to live YOUR life." 

 

When I'm missing my younger dd, I will remember you and pray for you  :grouphug:

 

Blessings,

Mary

 

P.S. I forgot to add that sometimes being away from home makes the dc appreciate what they had.  Every time my oldest came home she was easier to get along with then before. :001_smile:

 

[Woodhaven]

Cyber hugs!!  That sounds so difficult!  We know they grow up and make their own decisions - sometimes not the best ones, but they are not ours to make.  I would want time to adjust to the idea as well.

 

I have and will pray for you!!  All of mine are young still, so I haven't experienced any of this yet myself and I am not looking forward to it.  I hope and pray I'll be ready!

[Annie G]

I know it hurts now. Hugs to you- it's going to be a tough few months. 

 

We've been there and survived it. Middle dd needed to get out on her own- and she got an apartment and was moving in January. We had a couple of weeks to adjust. Then on CHRISTMAS DAY she starts moving her stuff and suddenly she's gone.  On Christmas you're going to do this???? She wasn't angry or anything- just selfishly excited to be on her own. We survived. 

 

A couple of years later she loved downstate to live with her boyfriend's mother while she adjusted to a new job.  We knew it was the wrong decision but she was an adult. 

 

Fast forward to today- she  lives 900 miles away, the boyfriend has long been out of the picture, and we're over our hurt. We have a pretty good relationship with her. 

 

I'll pray for you in the coming weeks- and for her, too, as she makes this adjustment.  You're still her mom no matter where she lives, and when she really grows up, she'll be happy about that. 

[gardenmom5]

I'm sorry.  :grouphug:

I guess I don't think living with her boyfriend's mother is "launching".   someone else is still providing her room and board.

 

 

[Chris in VA]

(What is it with "living with boyfriend's mom?" I've heard that a lot lately.)

 

I'm sorry it hurts to have her gone. I really do get that. BUT--

 

Why doesn't she just live on her own in an apt? That's launching. Or get a room in someone's house. That's launching. 

 

I think 20 is old enough to move out. I don't have a problem with it, really. And frankly, I do think growing up is not done at home.

Are you of the mindset that children should live at home until they marry? 

[Jean in Newcastle]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[emzhengjiu]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:   Praying for you.  I'm not there yet, but I know the day will come sooner rather than later.  I so enjoy my daughters that I know I will miss them greatly when that day arrives.  They, also, know wherever I am they will be welcome.  

[DianeW88]

Well, my two oldest are in college, and my dd (20) just got married last month.  I love this stage of life!  They are both mature, responsible, adults making good decisions, and it is so fun and rewarding for my dh and I to watch.

 

I hope your dd has as great an experience being out on her own as mine have had.  It really is a wonderful point in your relationship with her...you can now truly be friends instead of the constant authority figure.  Make sure you step back and let her handle things on her own.  It's amazing how much that makes them appreciate you.  Mine have both expressed gratitude multiple time for their home and how they were raised.  It puts a smile on a mom's face. :D

[AmyontheFarm]

(What is it with "living with boyfriend's mom?" I've heard that a lot lately.)

 

I'm sorry it hurts to have her gone. I really do get that. BUT--

 

Why doesn't she just live on her own in an apt? That's launching. Or get a room in someone's house. That's launching. 

 

I think 20 is old enough to move out. I don't have a problem with it, really. And frankly, I do think growing up is not done at home.

Are you of the mindset that children should live at home until they marry? 

 

She is gone.  She posted on Facebook that she is going on a road trip with her boyfriend.  I'm just waiting for my Mom or sisters to read that, let alone people at church.  The official story from my dd (who told us to say this!) is DD1 is going to visit the bf's Mom for 2-3 weeks.  I told her I wouldn't lie.  So, unless someone asks I won't speak of it.

 

We aren't of the mindset of the children should live at home until they marry.  We are of the mindset that they should be respectful of those around them and not to lie.  She has failed herself on both fronts.

 

We offered to help get her get set up in our community, still be close enough to our church and her work so that she could continue both.  Friends have offered live in nanny positions 40 minutes from us, and a house sitting job.  I offered her a trip any where in the world. We also offered use of our van to get to work if she would just stay local.

 

But she wants to be close to her boyfriend.  2 weeks ago she thought he was going to break up with her and we silently rejoiced.  Now she is chasing him.   I never raised my dd to do this, I'm simply appalled!  His mom has been pushing for her to come live with her for 1.5 years now, so this just works for her.  It's not really launching because she is moving from one home to another and she isn't on her own.  But what she HAS set herself for, is being out in the middle of now where with no car, no cheap public transportation, etc to leave the house.  And she has never been one content to just stay home.  This will be problematic very shortly for her. 

 

She says on one hand she is just going for a visit, but then she says she is going to look for a job there.  But she has a job here that pays her over $12/hr  and that is great for a kid with no college diploma. There are adults around here who would love $12/hr.  Our minimum is $10.  But she is convinced she is worth more than that by her boy friend.  She is worth more then that but if she doesn't stay in one job for more that 6 months she won't be employable if they think she's just going to wander off on them like she has every other time.

 

My 2nd born fought with her older sister, it was bad.  We made them come back together and talk it out.  DD2 thinks DD1 is just being selfish and not caring about anyone else and I have to agree with her.  I reminded her that if something was to happen to DD1 and she were to die, she wouldn't want their last conversation to be angry and ugly.  So, she went back and talked some more, they left things on a good note.

 

I wish I knew how to help my husband.  He headed out to the barn to work, I gave him 15 minute head start because I knew he'd need to have time to himself before the other kids went out.

 

I suspected all along and husband found out just before she walked out, that she will be living at the house where the boyfriend lives for 1 week before she travels up to see the mom.  The look on my husband's face looked like he had been shot through the heart.  She knows this is very grievous to us.  But, she had done nothing but show despite for our household rules and code of conduct since Wednesday night.  She was attempting to get us to shove her away from us, it didn't work.  From stupid things like wearing clothes we don't wear in this house to using her brand new apple phone with full data plan at the dinner table, just because she knows we wouldn't allow that normally (phones at the table).  This also tells me where her $$ will be going really quick.   The lack of politeness, like please and thank you to her siblings and just helping herself to anything in the house without asking.  I simply smiled and offered more of what she took.  I smiled and ignored the phone, the clothes, the flip flops, the lack of shower, etc.  It simply back fired on her, we wouldn't reject her.  She was picked up by my friend to meet up with the boyfriend.  We stood as a family on the front porch and waved good-bye to her.  I even signed "I love you" in sign language, which is a tradition.  We want her back, but she has to go and grow up first.  Hopefully, she won't do something even more stupid before that happens.

 

I sat down with dd2 and we talked about how this could have been different.  I asked dd2 how she thought we would have supported dd1 to leave if she had even worked with us.  We talked about how, when dd2 wants to leave how there can be blessings by doing it in a respectful way of those around her.

 

I am just so sad.  Thank you for your prayers.

[Susan C.]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:  and prayers for all of you

[Jean in Newcastle]

I'm sorry, Amy.  

[Scarlett]

She is gone.  She posted on Facebook that she is going on a road trip with her boyfriend.  I'm just waiting for my Mom or sisters to read that, let alone people at church.  The official story from my dd (who told us to say this!) is DD1 is going to visit the bf's Mom for 2-3 weeks.  I told her I wouldn't lie.  So, unless someone asks I won't speak of it.

 

We aren't of the mindset of the children should live at home until they marry.  We are of the mindset that they should be respectful of those around them and not to lie.  She has failed herself on both fronts.

 

We offered to help get her get set up in our community, still be close enough to our church and her work so that she could continue both.  Friends have offered live in nanny positions 40 minutes from us, and a house sitting job.  I offered her a trip any where in the world. We also offered use of our van to get to work if she would just stay local.

 

But she wants to be close to her boyfriend.  2 weeks ago she thought he was going to break up with her and we silently rejoiced.  Now she is chasing him.   I never raised my dd to do this, I'm simply appalled!  His mom has been pushing for her to come live with her for 1.5 years now, so this just works for her.  It's not really launching because she is moving from one home to another and she isn't on her own.  But what she HAS set herself for, is being out in the middle of now where with no car, no cheap public transportation, etc to leave the house.  And she has never been one content to just stay home.  This will be problematic very shortly for her. 

 

She says on one hand she is just going for a visit, but then she says she is going to look for a job there.  But she has a job here that pays her over $12/hr  and that is great for a kid with no college diploma. There are adults around here who would love $12/hr.  Our minimum is $10.  But she is convinced she is worth more than that by her boy friend.  She is worth more then that but if she doesn't stay in one job for more that 6 months she won't be employable if they think she's just going to wander off on them like she has every other time.

 

My 2nd born fought with her older sister, it was bad.  We made them come back together and talk it out.  DD2 thinks DD1 is just being selfish and not caring about anyone else and I have to agree with her.  I reminded her that if something was to happen to DD1 and she were to die, she wouldn't want their last conversation to be angry and ugly.  So, she went back and talked some more, they left things on a good note.

 

I wish I knew how to help my husband.  He headed out to the barn to work, I gave him 15 minute head start because I knew he'd need to have time to himself before the other kids went out.

 

I suspected all along and husband found out just before she walked out, that she will be living at the house where the boyfriend lives for 1 week before she travels up to see the mom.  The look on my husband's face looked like he had been shot through the heart.  She knows this is very grievous to us.  But, she had done nothing but show despite for our household rules and code of conduct since Wednesday night.  She was attempting to get us to shove her away from us, it didn't work.  From stupid things like wearing clothes we don't wear in this house to using her brand new apple phone with full data plan at the dinner table, just because she knows we wouldn't allow that normally (phones at the table).  This also tells me where her $$ will be going really quick.   The lack of politeness, like please and thank you to her siblings and just helping herself to anything in the house without asking.  I simply smiled and offered more of what she took.  I smiled and ignored the phone, the clothes, the flip flops, the lack of shower, etc.  It simply back fired on her, we wouldn't reject her.  She was picked up by my friend to meet up with the boyfriend.  We stood as a family on the front porch and waved good-bye to her.  I even signed "I love you" in sign language, which is a tradition.  We want her back, but she has to go and grow up first.  Hopefully, she won't do something even more stupid before that happens.

 

I sat down with dd2 and we talked about how this could have been different.  I asked dd2 how she thought we would have supported dd1 to leave if she had even worked with us.  We talked about how, when dd2 wants to leave how there can be blessings by doing it in a respectful way of those around her.

 

I am just so sad.  Thank you for your prayers.

 

 

:(  I am sorry too.  Not that kids have to grow up and leave home but when they do it in a way that stabs a parent in the heart it is very sad to me. 

[Mary in VA]

Hope your DD grows and matures through this.  I know it is so hard when our dc don't embrace our values and take a path we disagree with.   :grouphug:  :grouphug: I know some kids just need to do things the hard way to learn.  It's hard for a parent to watch. :grouphug:  :grouphug:  Will pray for protection for her and peace for you.

 

Mary

[AmyontheFarm]

Thanks Ladies

[Guest]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

 

[Laurie4b]

So sorry. Everyone I know in this stage says it's the hardest phase of parenting.

[Melissa in Australia]

_{:grouphug:  :grouphug:} 

[Renee in NC]

My 20yo moved 2 hours away back in May to live with his girlfriend where she is in college.  It will be okay.  Our adult children have to make their own choices, despite what we might hope for them.  I only told my son that he was on his own financially, and that he was always welcome here.  (As a side note, he spent last spring at his girlfriend's parents' house - it was closer to jobs and he didn't have a car at the time.)

 

And honestly?  While she isn't making choices that conform with your values, she doesn't seem like she's truly headed down the wrong path.  Give her time.  My experience has been that when adult children swing to the opposite extreme, eventually they settle somewhere in the middle.  You let her leave on a good note, which means that when she wants to come back, she'll feel like she can.

 

(((Amy)))

[Prairie~Phlox]

This is part of life, our children have a few years, but we joke now that they better make plans. Both dh & I moved out at 18, I have no regrets. Is it tge path that you chose? No, is it the path that God chose, yes, that's what's important to us.

[Audrey]

You will be okay.  She will be okay.

 

:grouphug: