Can I be petty and small and gross for a minute?

[Whereneverever]

Don't blink. Don't even blink. Blink and you're dead. Don't turn your back. Don't look away. And don't blink.

[Lara in Colo]

That isn't being petty or small--- it's about needing and about fair play.

 

When you give so much of yourself and get nothing later when you need it, you deserve to feel slighted--- because you are being slighted.

 

But..... have you asked for help?

People cannot read your mind and sometimes they use the "you are so put together" as an excuse to not have to look deeper.

 

If you never get "your turn" then you might have to hold something back as a reserve for when you need it-- instead of giving it all to others.

 

Ask me how I know....

[Ottakee]

I agree---do others realize that you need the help?  Sometimes people don't realize that people who are really strong on the outside still need help and support themselves.

 

You could always let it be known at church through a deacon or other care ministry that you are in need of some help.

[Dandelion]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way.  :grouphug:  

 

Do you ever ask for help?  I'm asking because of my own experience.  My natural inclination is to never ask for help and to be strong/stoic. I'm one of those people who is always helping others, but never asking for anything (even when I need it).  In recent years, some of my friends have pointed that out to me.  I didn't really see it before.  If the people around you have grown accustomed to seeing you a certain way (i.e. as someone who doesn't need or want help, even if it's not your intent to give that impression), then they may think they're doing the best they can for you by telling you how strong you are, how well you cope, etc.  It's possible that they think you don't want or need more than that.

 

Just sharing this because it was a revelation for me when friends told me that that was the vibe I was giving off.  Now I try to ask for help when I need it.  I think many people want to help but they wait for cues that help is desired.  :grouphug:

[Whereneverever]

I know it's in large part that. I don't know how to overcome it. I'm sure I'll get over this feeling. It's just a little raw right now.

[Mrs Mungo]

Strong, together people usually need to humble themselves and ask for help when they need it.  :grouphug:

[Plink]

((Hugs)) That stinks. Sorry people aren't as thoughtful as we all should be.

 

-ignore the lousy grammar. Sorry.

[Halftime Hope]

Ya know, I understand about the "strong and together" part.  But just once, it would be nice if someone would look up from their world and go, "is there anything I can do for you?"   I've taught my children to do that, but apparently it's not something that crosses others' mind unless I throw a fit of some kind.  (Not that I'd go there.)

 

I know I'm sounding annoyed, disappointed, right there with the OP, but really, dh and I have come to the conclusion that most people just don't give a rip.  They'll take and take, and never think of giving back or paying forward.  That's why 20% of people in an organization do 80% of all the work. 

 

 

[Catwoman]

:grouphug:

 

You're not being small and petty!!! You go out of your way for other people, and now they're not offering to do the same thing for you. I would be upset, too.  

 

The only thing I'm wondering is if, when they say things like, "You're so strong and together," that might be their way of supporting you. Maybe they figure you don't need any help, but still want to encourage you. If you're always the one who helps everyone else, they might think you would feel awkward about accepting help from them, or that you might even be insulted that they offered.

 

If they're completely ignoring your hardships, that's not nice, but if they are trying to be positive when they make comments, maybe they want to offer their help but don't know what to say.

[MrsMommy]

I could have written your post. Actually, I think I have! ;)

 

Sometimes, I hate being the "strong one." No one ever thinks that we might need some help, just once. If I ever do ask somebody for help, I hope they come running, because if it ever gets to that point, I'm probably about 30 seconds away from total collapse!

 

Hugs!

[Mom0012]

:grouphug:  :grouphug: :grouphug:  

[Spryte]

:grouphug:

 

Is there anything we can do, here, to help?

[Whereneverever]

Not being made fun of for my feelings actually helps a lot.

 

Otherwise I just don't know. I outward focus so much that when I look in I knd of recoil because yikes. Where do you even start, kwim?

 

Man, I'm a whiner.

[Laurie4b]

Boy, do I hear you! I also have the "strong" label . I have experienced multiple times even asking for help and people just not responding because I'm perceived as "strong." It's very lonely and isolating.

 

I was once pregnant with ds #4, had a 6, 4, and 2 year old and took in, under duress, our former foster daughter  (a teen) and her 2 year old son because CPS had taken custody of him unfairly and it was the only way to keep them together. CPS was trying very hard to make it impossible for me to do and the guardian ad litem program was who was advocating for it. The judge ruled for the GAL, but CPS continued to harass me, making me sleep in a room with a snoring teen and a traumatized 2 year old who kept waking up crying during the night or they wouldn't let them stay with us. (The trauma was something out of foster dd's control)  I shared this with a large group of women at church and what an incredible burden it was. Only one woman--the one who thought we shouldn't have taken them in--offered to help. The same thing has happened with my family members over the years. Little sister would get a hangnail and everyone would fly to her aid. We had a foster son with RAD and it was ho-hum.... even when I was begging for help.

 

This did not change until I got cancer.  That did register as a need, and I got wonderful support. But it took that.

 

So if you don't ask for help, do try it, but it's not a guarantee.

 

 

[Catwoman]

Not being made fun of for my feelings actually helps a lot.

 

Otherwise I just don't know. I outward focus so much that when I look in I knd of recoil because yikes. Where do you even start, kwim?

 

Man, I'm a whiner.

 

YOU ARE NOT A WHINER!!!!!

 

So quit whining about being a whiner! ;)

 

 

 

 

And if you need to vent, we're here for you.  :grouphug:

[GailV]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

It doesn't help that it's so hard to ask for help.  Then, when you finally DO ask for help, sometimes it falls on deaf ears.

 

:grouphug:

[Guest]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

 

I couldn't have written your post because I am tempermentally incapable of being as calm and polite as you were about it but it happens to me all.the.time.

 

Easier said than done, but if someone you ask for help responds with yet another, "I can't be bothered with something as trivial as your terminal cancer because I HAVE A HANGNAIL!!!!!!!" then they aren't worth the time or the energy it takes to get angry. Block their address, defriend their Facebook, or whatever it takes to just make them dissapear until or if YOU want to deal with them again.

 

It gives meaning to my life and helps me deal with bad experiences to try to help people, especially people who i perceive to be on the verge of making a mistake similar to one I regret making myself. I'm not going to stop doing it, but I am learning (slowly) to recognize when it is sapping energy I need for myself in the present and to trust that somebody else will step in and help that person if I am unavailable.

 

 

 

[StephanieZ]

(((Hugs)))

 

Yes, ask for help. Be clear. "I have X,Y, Z problem and we are having a very difficult time coping right now. I really need help with A, B, and C. Can you do A for me this Monday, please?"

 

Some people, many people, will step up, do what you ask, and probably offer and do MORE as well. 

 

Other people are takers, are not helpers, and will make excuses or avoid you. You've now identified people who you need to cut out of your life. Let them go. They are leaches. 

 

There are plenty of people who are just takers. Maybe half the people, maybe more, maybe less. Nonetheless, there are many great human beings who will help you, but you just have to identify what you need and ask for it.

 

The rare people who have the wisdom and confidence to simply jump in and help without clear instructions are few and far between. So, just ASK.

[MommaOfalotta]

It may be that because you are always the comforter and always the rock for other people, they dont see you as needing their help. They see you as incredibly strong, most likely. You may need to show them you are needing some support right now.

 

:grouphug:

[MommaOfalotta]

Ya know, I understand about the "strong and together" part.  But just once, it would be nice if someone would look up from their world and go, "is there anything I can do for you?"   I've taught my children to do that, but apparently it's not something that crosses others' mind unless I throw a fit of some kind.  (Not that I'd go there.)

 

I know I'm sounding annoyed, disappointed, right there with the OP, but really, dh and I have come to the conclusion that most people just don't give a rip.  They'll take and take, and never think of giving back or paying forward.  That's why 20% of people in an organization do 80% of all the work. 

:iagree:

 

 

This, too.

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug:

[texasmama]

(((hugs)))  I'm a strong helper of others, too.  A few years ago, a friend made me a roast dinner because I had a hard week.  I cried because it was someone taking care of me, which rarely happens since my mom passed away.  I understand.