Dishes in the sink?

[Ravin]

The only feedback I listen to is from people who actually live in my house. And since the other adults in the house always give me flack when I try and get us to organize as a unit, I refuse to take responsibility for the whole mess all by myself, because I simply can't do it. I'm not Suzie Homemaker. Never was, never will be. And yes, my house is a mess. It's a great big huge mess. Not CPS-attention-worthy, but also not impress-the-inlaws worthy, either. When there are NOT dishes in the sink, compliments are usually given to the person who cleaned and did dishes. Ditto when floors are picked up. (Except when I do it.)

 

My inlaws don't come around often. I'd rather go to their house anyway, it's much roomier and nice and clean. :lol:

[creekland]

The only feedback I listen to is from people who actually live in my house.

 

This is a great policy.  We also have a policy that if something is bugging you, fix it (age often doesn't matter for cleaning - once out of the youngster stage).  ;)

[Desert Strawberry]

In response to some comments :

 

I don't know that I'm bothered exactly, more baffled by warnings not to have more children because I can't keep up with them. I think I do a great job of keeping up. My house isn't perfect. It's old and cluttered and small and we'll be renovating it till we're old and gray.

 

My dh is generally an ornery sort. He doesn't really complain, exactly. He's kind of in conflict with himself, because he doesn't want to work himself to death keeping the grass exactly 1.5 inches high and painting the house after work, but feels like he should.

He has similar feelings about housework. He doesn't expect me to have everything perfect, but it would be nice if I could.

 

I was just surprised when I recently discovered what all those little remarks about my kids and the house and my time and how much work homeschooling is are all about. I admit, it stung a little. I'm very proud of how we live. I think I do a very good job balancing everything.

 

I'm not in the habit of taking advice from my ILs about anything. I love them, but they are a little crazy. But it did get me thinking if I'm completely wrong about my expectations.

 

Fwiw, I think I only know one person who has a dishwasher. If we did, I'm sure that would be different.

[Desert Strawberry]

As my kids have gotten older, my expectations of keeping the house tidy have increased.   Notice I didn't say CLEAN.  No one has time for that... well, if they're busy with other meaningful pursuits. LOL  Not said to offend, I know some really, really love cleaning and love having a super clean house and if that is their meaningful pursuit then more power to them!   That is certainly not me and none of us cousins were raised that way!!  So you're not alone!

 

I did ask Roy one time .. when the kids were all younger ... tell me 3 things that he would really love if I could have done each day.  He worked late.  His 3 things were:

1. Nothing on the sidewalk so he didn't fall on anything.

2. A place to sit in the living room.

3. Dinner in the microwave or fridge ready to be eaten.

 

:)

 

Pretty sure he wouldn't say those 3 right now .. but no one is asking!!

Melissa is my cousin. 

You know what? I'm glad you posted this. I needed a bit of perspective. 

I don't remember any of our houses being spotless. Or really even very tidy. Things look different to me as an adult. My friends' houses all look about like mine. 

So, yeah. I guess I can let this go. 

[LucyStoner]

If they have a problem with it, they can wash them for you.  You have young kids.  They should hold their tongues.  

 

I am someone who essentially never has dishes waiting around to be done and my sink is, as a rule, spotless.   But I have never, and I mean never, judged someone for having dishes in their sink.  In fact, sometimes I am a little jealous of people being laid back about their cleaning. Absent the presence of unsanitary things in general living space, I've never contemplated someone's fitness as a parent based on their housekeeping habits.  By unsanitary, I don't mean a sink full of dishes, I mean obvious insect activity, fecal matter, rotting foods, unaddressed mold and general stench.  I doubt there's anything like that in your home.  

 

Your ILs are being jerky.  Don't give this any more of your time and energy- focus on your awesomeness instead.  

[sewingmama]

I always have dishes in my sink and we have a dishwasher. With 3 kids and a DH who use it as a dumping ground for everything I can't keep up. DH eats every 15 minutes ...when he is home I can wash 3 loads in the dishwasher and there would still be dishes in the sink.

 

If I know company is coming ...I would make an effort to clear it all out. If you turn up unannounced then you get what you see.

 

The people on this board homeschool their kids...I would expect to find dishes in their sink. If their sink was clean and shiny I would suspect they are neglecting their kids education ;) jk

[TammyinTN]

Dishes will always be there...kids grow up.   I always tell friends....I came to see you not the house.  

[sewingmama]

This is why we always met my inlaws at a park or cafe.

 

There are always dirty dishes on my counter, and I usually wash two racks a day. The only way to avoid that would be paper plates or eating straight out of the tin.

Except that at my house that wouldn't fix the problem because then instead of dirty dishes on the counter there would be dirty paper plates and empty tins lol. The same people who can't remember where the dishwasher is located are also the ones who don't know where the garbage can is ( probably inside the dishwasher). LOL

[shanvan]

Let me just share this, and you decide what works for your own life.

 

We recently moved. We're still getting settled in. A few weeks ago, my parents were coming to visit. I was rushing around, cleaning and neatening, up and down, in and out, like a headless chicken, when I caught myself going into "Gain the Approval" mode.. and stopped. I thought I had outgrown that, and I had, in our old house. But here, that drive to be good enough crept up on me again, unnoticed and uninvited.

 

The thought came to me: If the inside of my home is perfect, my father will say something negative about the small weeds in the crack in my driveway or the empty boxes in my garage.

 

If the outside of my home is perfect, my father will say something about the two specks of dust on the top of the door jamb or the blade of grass he just tracked in through the front door.

 

There is no way to win, with people who do this.

 

It's your home. Not your showcase. It's your home.

 

FWIW, when my father pulled up that day, he stepped out of his car, and before he said "hello" to any of us, he pointed out the weeds in the cracks in the driveway.

 

Sad, isn't it? Well, it is what it is, you know?

 

And the thing is, my father's upkeep of his own home is far from perfect, but you wouldn't dare to point out anything to him.

 

It seems to me the best approach is to shrug and say, "Yup, those are weeds, Dad, so glad to see you. Come on in and see your grandchildren."

 

You are SO nice.  I'm afraid if my mom says things like this my sarcasm shows.  A comment like "Oh, yes, when are you free to come and weed the driveway?  We've been wondering.  And there are a few other things we need done when you have some free time."  is likely to pop out of my mouth at times.

 

[shanvan]

We quite often have dirty dishes in the sink even though we have a dishwasher.  MAtter of fact, the entire counter near the sink is full of dirty dishes right now (and yes I am sitting here reading WTM boards).  Thing is we have had 4 dog shows (which involved driving 3 hours rt) in the past week and 2 dogs to groom (and one was a real mess--took around 8 hours to finish)  a display to design and set up at the county fair, a 4H meeting,  two 3 hour shifts to watch tables at the fair, and our county dog show all within the last week, AND my mom's car broke down so she needed rides from me this week (she lives 20 minutes away and all her appointments are near her so minimum of 1 hr ever time she needs a ride).  Frankly, I'm amazed that I was able to keep everyone fed.  We kept up on dishes for a while, but the last two days and the early start time for the county dog show did me in.  

 

If I tend to the dishes and don't help the kids with their dog grooming then they won't ever learn how to do it (we have breeds that are a nightmare to groom) and will go to the fair unprepared and everyone will know it.  But I will have clean dishes and a clean sink.  I think I made the right choice.  Today the dishes will get cleaned and the dog grooming won't matter. 

 

When I see dishes in the sink at a house, I assume the people who live there are busy and have something more pressing to do.  I remember feeling a huge sense of relief the first time I saw dirty dishes at a friend's house.  That gave me the go ahead not to care about my own (ridiculous that I needed it, I know).  When I have time, I like to have a decluttered and clean home, but the reality of our lives at this time often gets in the way.

 

I have had several newish friends over recently and have left dirty dishes in the sink and dusting undone on purpose.  I made sure to tell them it's my therapy and I'm recovering from supermom syndrome and have been forcing myself to have people over without making the house perfect first.  I'm pretty sure I noticed sighs of relief following that statement.  Now it has become a running joke.  I'm not entirely kidding though.  It has been good for me to let go of the idea of my worthiness as a friend being somehow related to the state of my home.  With one friend I got very informal.  I poured her a cup of tea and did the dishes while I talked to her.  I asked her if she minded first and explained that we had more pressing things to do earlier.  

 

It's all about perspective and being comfortable with your choices.  Anyone who has reached the age of 40 and still walks around judging people based on outward appearances and can't see and think deeper either has extremely limited experience in life, is insecure, or is looking for a reason to judge you (maybe that's related to insecurity).   When I catch myself starting to judge like that I quickly think about my own experiences and any judgement I was forming melts away.  My ILs are hopelessly judgmental and it's all about making themselves feel better about their own choices.  I will never be able to change that.  They need to judge in order to feel good about themselves.  Sad but true.

 

Ds gets a little crazy if we are having company and wants a super deep cleaning done before they walk in the door.  I keep telling him we LIVE here!

[happypamama]

I hope that I would have the kind of relationship with my dd or dil where I could help them wash the dishes in the sink with no judgment. Of course, I would only want to do that if they wanted me to. There is nothing worse than "help" that is not really wanted.

Yep, I have trouble accepting that sort of help without it feeling like the helper is saying, "you really should have gotten to these." Now, if a mess has been made while you're visiting, by all means, I would love help with the dishes, but whatever dishes are by the sink when you arrive, leave 'em alone. Assume that I've done my best but didn't have time to get to them.

 

My MIL is a wonderful woman; I really adore her and am so grateful to have her in my life. I don't keep house like she does, though. I really don't try to, but it would be impossible anyway. I have an old house that has some issues that make it nearly impossible to keep sparkling clean, no matter what I do, and also, I have a lot of small children who generate dishes/toys out/laundry/messes and who need a lot of my personal attention. And 5, soon to be 6, of us are here all day, nearly every day. My MIL had two children, 6 years apart, so she very rarely had both of them home for long periods of time at the same time. I have just accepted that for this season of my life, "good enough" is good enough. Thankfully, my DH isn't too particular, and he prefers happy kids, non-stressed wife, and something to eat more than he prefers a super clean house or all the dishes done.

 

I would so not be bothered if someone else's house had baskets of laundry to fold or dishes in the sink or whatever, even if we were there for a scheduled playdate. Eh, it just is not a big deal to me. There's "very messy" and there's "only have so many hours in the day and didn't get to this yet," and the latter is no big deal to me.

[shanvan]

Yep, I have trouble accepting that sort of help without it feeling like the helper is saying, "you really should have gotten to these." Now, if a mess has been made while you're visiting, by all means, I would love help with the dishes, but whatever dishes are by the sink when you arrive, leave 'em alone. Assume that I've done my best but didn't have time to get to them.

 

My MIL is a wonderful woman; I really adore her and am so grateful to have her in my life. I don't keep house like she does, though. I really don't try to, but it would be impossible anyway. I have an old house that has some issues that make it nearly impossible to keep sparkling clean, no matter what I do, and also, I have a lot of small children who generate dishes/toys out/laundry/messes and who need a lot of my personal attention. And 5, soon to be 6, of us are here all day, nearly every day. My MIL had two children, 6 years apart, so she very rarely had both of them home for long periods of time at the same time. I have just accepted that for this season of my life, "good enough" is good enough. Thankfully, my DH isn't too particular, and he prefers happy kids, non-stressed wife, and something to eat more than he prefers a super clean house or all the dishes done.

 

I would so not be bothered if someone else's house had baskets of laundry to fold or dishes in the sink or whatever, even if we were there for a scheduled playdate. Eh, it just is not a big deal to me. There's "very messy" and there's "only have so many hours in the day and didn't get to this yet," and the latter is no big deal to me.

:iagree:  With all of the above and especially the bold.

[Seasider]

My oft suggested Rx, you just need to sit down with a cold drink and watch a few episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond. Won't take long to realize that the problem doesn't lie with you, or your dishes. Quite validating!

 

And I agree with sahamamama. Get off the approval seeking train. The wilderness is liberating.

[SKL]

I don't have friends or relatives who come over and wash my dishes, but I remember when I was a kid, and that's what busy mom friends used to do as a normal thing.  It showed how close they were.  Everyone's busy, it would feel funny to be sitting watching your friend do dishes, so you get up and do something useful.

 

As for my mom's MIL, LOL, it was the other way around.  We used to go to her house for Sunday dinner, and according to my mom, she would "have to" wash the week's dishes and clean the kitchen so people could eat.  Thankfully my grandma was an awesome cook.  :)  She was also a bit of a hoarder, but we loved her anyway.  :)

[Rosie_0801]

I don't have friends or relatives who come over and wash my dishes, but I remember when I was a kid, and that's what busy mom friends used to do as a normal thing.  It showed how close they were.  Everyone's busy, it would feel funny to be sitting watching your friend do dishes, so you get up and do something useful.

Yup. I used to keep rubber gloves in my handbag so I could wash my friend's dishes while she folded her Avon catalogues.

[SKL]

Maybe we'd be a more social lot if we didn't feel like a visit would stop our dishes from being done . . . :)

[marbel]

I don't like other people to wash my dishes or my housework.  I'd rather sit and talk and drink coffee than have someone help me.  I'll stay up late to do it myself if it's the only way to get it done... or let it go till morning.

 

ETA: coffee or... a glass of wine.  A margarita.  An irish coffee...   anything but doing dishes!

[Garga]

My home is a working home. We are not a model home. Everything in the home is being used. The kitchen is not for display only. The appliances work and we actively prepare food in there.

 

That's my mantra when I start feeling pressure to have a perfect home. My home is reasonably tidy and we're all healthy.

[shanvan]

My home is a working home. We are not a model home. Everything in the home is being used. The kitchen is not for display only. The appliances work and we actively prepare food in there.

 

This is beautiful.  I think I'm going to frame it and hang it in my kitchen.

[Mommy22alyns]

I'm just glad my MIL isn't much of a housekeeper either!  It's sort of a standing joke that she just does not cook.

 

Ugh, if you have kids, then I pretty much expect to see some dishes in the sink, or toys out, or some evidence that the house it lived in!  Like a PP, it would be a relief to see that at a friend's house.

[beaners]

I don't like other people to wash my dishes or my housework.  I'd rather sit and talk and drink coffee than have someone help me.  I'll stay up late to do it myself if it's the only way to get it done... or let it go till morning.

 

Yes! Even family.  People doing dishes or helping with housework makes me twitchy.