Meaning and Mid-life...does this get to you?

[Ginevra]

This may be a jumbled post.

 

I'm reading the book Ask Me Why I Hurt. It is a memoir of a doctor who served poor and homeless children with medical care out of a van. These stories are so incredibly poignant. He saw things. He helped people. I'm enjoying the book, but it flares up a mid-life crisis-ish notion in me. I feel like I have done nothing meaningful like that. Yes, I'm happy that I've been raising and homeschooling my children and it's not that those aren't worthy and valuable things. But...I feel like I'm just living this comfortable life. My questions are things like which gas station has the cheapest fuel this week and a mental note that the kids will need new snow gear this winter. There's no part of my life that is asking what I can do about a child who is living in a draining hole or how to help a mentally damaged young man whose father stuck him on a bus and shipped him off to go live with his "cousins" that don't exist.

 

Another thing that dovetails with this was recently when my mom was staying at my house post-surgery. She had surgery on both bre#sts for cancer. I am not a person who does well with medical things, but weirdly, there was something so fulfilling about caring for my mother. When I was washing her back and applying lotion, it struck me so forcefully - I love to nurture and I feel as though I have so much more of that "in me" that is not being utilized.

 

I guess this does have features of mid-life crisis. I just find myself often thinking What am I doing? What meaning do I add to anything? What do I do that helps others besides those in my little circle of concern? I don't really know what I want to *do* that would increase meaning in the way I crave. Besides the truth of it - I don't have gobs of time. (I have more right now, because of summer, but I mean in the long-term.) Does this strike a chord with anyone? I need some clarity.

[Guest]

I guess not. :laugh:

[PhotoGal]

I know what you mean and I don't know if it is necessarily a midlife thing. I had the same questions in high school. I heard some great advice to start where you are. Look for a need around you or help a cause that has a powerful draw to you personally. I think raising children is an important contribution to the world for sure, so no need to feel that it isn't "enough." However, if you feel drawn to do more - figure out what is pulling you the most. You can start small - make a small donation or research. A small thing may lead to a great thing, kwim?

[LucyStoner]

I haven't reached mid life (well, I haven't assuming I don't die too young :laugh: ) but yes, sometimes I am struck by a thought or fear that I am not doing enough to impact the world, specifically in the area of social change that improves the lives of poor people. I chose a service/helping people oriented field of work. It was immensely satisfying to mix my day up from finance and raising money to just sitting and talking with a homeless person or doing something specific and concrete which would help others have the food and shelter and opportunities they needed. But now that I am home, I often think I should be doing more. I try to live simply and in a way that allows me to do whatever I can for others, whenever I can. I don't always meet my own ideal though. That said, I have found some truth in the phrase "charity starts at home." I limit my community involvement to a single, controversial area where there is a great unfilled need but we are launching and it's in an awkward stage so far. Maybe I will feel better once this effort is more fully launched.

[8circles]

No, I hear you. I have felt this way before but I have no wisdom at the moment. Although... & yes, I do understand that my issues are mostly ( not all) 1st-world problems... sometimes I also feel like I need someone to pull-up in a van & help me. OK - that sounds really creepy. I don't mean it in the creepy way, I swear.

[Chris in VA]

Yes, it does. I felt that my gifts and talents were being underused after I stopped homeschooling. It's taking me a while to let that go and move on to what I will call my ministry (using gifts and talents I personally feel are given/given life opportunities to develop).

I am in a discernment process at the moment.

Perhaps you are being nudged to expand your natural nurturing to include those outside your family. Maybe not yet....but there will come a time when you are less busy, perhaps at the end of your home school journey, and you will need some purpose to redirect all that energy and those gifts to. I think you could see your current work as highly valuable AND start thinking about other ways you can fulfill your longing for ...well, significance, or whatever you call wanting to impact your world.

[LucyStoner]

No, I hear you. I have felt this way before but I have no wisdom at the moment. Although... & yes, I do understand that my issues are mostly ( not all) 1st-world problems... sometimes I also feel like I need someone to pull-up in a van & help me. OK - that sounds really creepy. I don't mean it in the creepy way, I swear.

 

 

I'll pull up in a van and help you, A! First I have to buy a van. But as soon as that happens, sure, why not?

[Mrs Mungo]

Do you do volunteer work? I have done lots of volunteer work, helping in different capacities throughout my mothering career. I think it has as much meaning as having a job. But, I think you have to find the right type of volunteer job to feel that fulfillment.

[*lifeoftheparty*]

Yes. I do and have felt that way too. I'm 32 and definitely not ready for a midlife crisis yet though ;)

 

If my DH came home right now and said, "Dear, I think we need to be missionaries." I would be packing right now, lol. However, he doesn't feel that calling, at least not yet...

 

I deal with it by doing local things. Helping at church, helping those in need, even if it's talking/listening to someone, or bringing a meal.

 

I understand that in my season of life, I have young children and can not just board a plane for missions trips all the time. And I am content with my life b/c I do realize that the seasons will change, and someday, I will be able to do that.

 

For now, our church helps support an orphanage in Peru and a kids ministry in Guatemala. Several members are there right now, actually. So whenever we take up collections for them, I give. I pray.

 

I teach my son about the want/need/poverty of the world and I hope to instill in him a desire to help.

 

I recently read two blog posts from Ann Voskamp about sponsoring children through Compassion International and I fully intend for our family to sponsor at least one child in the next week or two. After reading her blogs, I feel like that one small (to me) action will make a world of difference.

 

http://www.aholyexperience.com/2013/06/the-research-that-proves-you-can-change-the-world/

 

http://www.aholyexperience.com/2013/06/why-you-are-where-you-are-for-such-a-time-as-this/

 

We live near DC and Baltimore and the opportunities to help those in need right in our own back yard are boundless. Our small group will be doing service projects soon, as soon as we pick one.

 

There is a Facebook group called "Servefest" and they are in Baltimore, they have volunteer needs all the time.

 

A lady at church told us about something called "hunger busters" that you can make. You get a gallon, or two gallon, ziploc bag and put in some snack foods (she liked the premade chicken/tuna salad with cracker snack sets) and bottled water, maybe some waterless shampoo, wipes, lotion, pocket change, food gift cards, etc. and a small New Testament Bible. And in the front cover of that bible, you could write a message, "something like, "Even though I don't know you personally, I prayed for the person who would receive this small gift, etc." Anyways, she always keeps some in her car and whenever someone walks past her in DC asking for money or something, or just if she sees a homeless person, she gives them one.

 

I keep meaning to do that....

 

Anyways, there are lots of ways to help, you just have to seek them out :) But be careful if what you seek for.... Those feelings get worse if you find out there are ways to serve all around you and you don't ever follow through to help.... At least that happens to me ;)

 

 

 

[Dandelion]

I can relate. I don't think it's a midlife crisis as much as just a natural yearning for meaningful contribution beyond your immediate circle.

 

After I quit working to stay home four years ago, I went through an identity crisis and grappled with those questions for quite some time. In the past couple years, I've found a way to contribute beyond my immediate family by volunteering and doing occasional freelance work.

 

What are you passionate about? Is there a cause that's especially near to your heart, or a certain population that you would love to help? What are your strengths and how can you use those strengths to help people in need? I would spend some time thinking about where your passions and strengths intersect, so that you can identify the type of opportunities (whether volunteer work or something else) that would be the best fit and most satisfying for you.

[Rosie_0801]

I don't think it is a midlife thing. For me it is a spiritual health thing. Happily, I seem to have solved it for the moment. :)

[Heather in Neverland]

"You are either called to go down into the well, or to hold the rope for those who go down. Either way, there will be scars on your hands. Where are your scars?"

 

I read that quote about 6 years ago and it changed my outlook on this topic forever. No man is an an island. We all have a responsibility to one another. At certain points in life you will be called to go down into the well. At other points you will be needed to hold the rope for someone else as they go down into the well.

 

Which stage are you in right now? Are you ready for the frontlines? Or are you needed as support? Some people go to Africa or Haiti or wherever and work in orphanages. Others support them so they can go or sponsor kids or gather donations to send, etc.

 

I am in the middle. I went half-way down the well by moving to Malaysia to work at a missionary school. But I am not a missionary. I am in a missionary support role. I am here educating the children of missionaries so that these missionaries can stay in the field. So I am holding the rope for them and my scars are in the sacrifices I have made and the people I have left behind to be here. That is MY calling.

 

Look around you. What lights a fire of discontent in your soul? Is it poverty? Illiteracy? Disease? Orphans? Crime? There is no shortage of darkness. Find a way to be the light.

 

The worst thing any of us can do is nothing.

[elegantlion]

I think it's natural to question our worth to this world. I think it hits differently when we homeschool. I know when ds was younger, I knew what I was doing. Now that he's 15, I'm looking further out.

 

I was talking about learning languages with someone today. I mentioned it might take me to 80 to learn enough Ancient Greek to read Homer, I'm 46. The person reminded me that age is just a number. So, yeah, if it takes me 30 years to learn to read Homer, I can still do it - assuming I make it to 80, assuming I make it to 80 with my eyesight intact. Even if I'm 80 and in a retirement home, it beats playing Canasta.

[Guest]

I do some volunteering and lots of small things, but they feel too small. At the same time, I don't have ample time to do big things (at least, during the other 9 months of the year), so that is why I don't get committed into something big.

 

What really pulls my heart is children. Nurturing children. I wanted to have more children, but that did not pan out. (Or, not yet. And the door is closing. Hard.) I wanted to adopt children. My husband wanted nothing to do with that. We talked about it a lot of times, but on one particular time, he shut it down in a really, really not nice way. I really don't even want to ever bring it up again because he was so hurtful on that ocassion. I've thought about foster care, but I have my reservations with that and I can't imagine dh wants to do foster care if he doesn't want to adopt. My brother did foster care. My sister does foster care. A friend of mine has TWO foster babies and I'm pretty close to envious. So this is the thing that would be the most meaningful to me, but I can't pursue it.

 

I have an intention of opening an Etsy shop with bracelets. Along with that, I want to make bracelets for mothers who have lost children (infants in particular). This is something I am willing and able to do, but there are some things I have to put in motion first to get that going. I did tell an administrator at my church that I offer this when I learned there is a funeral for a baby this weekend. I know this would have meant a lot to me when my baby died, but at the same time, this is still small potatoes. I do hope this will get rolling and I can make bracelets some of the time; I'm hoping to have at least one connection every month or two for a gift bracelet to a mother. It will be cool if that gets underway, but I still don't think this will alleviate the meaninglessness I'm talking about.

[Desert Strawberry]

I have lived a rich and meaningful life full of challenges and sacrifice. One thing to remember is that sacrifice sounds all heart-warming and romantic, but in reality it is very hard and very unpleasant. Rewarding, yes. Absolutely. Fun in the moment? Not usually.

It sounds like you need some volunteer time. Even a few hours a month will change your life and your community.

[texasmama]

Could you volunteer to make bracelets for hospice agencies to give to family members? My father received a lovely hand-knitted cross from a nurse who took care of my mom while she was on hospice. It was very touching. Make bracelets for kids undergoing medical treatment? A children's hospital would likely have some ways you could volunteer? Are you looking for direct contact or is it enough to know that you helped someone without meeting the person? Big brother/big sister organization? Respite only provider for foster kids? CASA volunteer? (Court appointed special advocate for kids in foster care.)

 

I am a social worker by training and education, and a therapist by practice. I learned long ago that I am much more of a one-on-one changer/impacter rather than a "change the world" type of person. Once you identify which you might be (working for an individual person or working towards a cause), I think that might help you.

 

At this point, my professional life is not satisfying but it has brought satisfaction in the past when I was doing therapy. My personal homeschooling life is very fulfilling to me, though, so much that I think of what I will do when my babies are grown. I think I might very well want to teach someone else's kids at home. :) Or go back to doing therapy. It's good to have options. I know that what I am doing now with my kids matters very much. It is cathedral-building. But I very much understand the need to impact the world outside 22 Sunny Brook Lane (or whatever your address is - that is made up, not mine).

[Guest]

 

I am a social worker by training and education, and a therapist by practice. I learned long ago that I am much more of a one-on-one changer/impacter rather than a "change the world" type of person. Once you identify which you might be (working for an individual person or working towards a cause), I think that might help you.

 

Hmmm. Interesting thoughts. It's definitely individual person more than working towards a cause. I know that I'd rather bring a person in need a meal than serve many at a soup kitchen, for example. It's being able to connect with an individual that would be more meaningful to me.

[Rosie_0801]

Small potatoes are still potatoes and what looks like a small one to you, looks incredibly meaningful to someone with a craving.

[elegantlion]

 

 

I have an intention of opening an Etsy shop with bracelets. Along with that, I want to make bracelets for mothers who have lost children (infants in particular). This is something I am willing and able to do, but there are some things I have to put in motion first to get that going. I did tell an administrator at my church that I offer this when I learned there is a funeral for a baby this weekend. I know this would have meant a lot to me when my baby died, but at the same time, this is still small potatoes. I do hope this will get rolling and I can make bracelets some of the time; I'm hoping to have at least one connection every month or two for a gift bracelet to a mother. It will be cool if that gets underway, but I still don't think this will alleviate the meaninglessness I'm talking about.

 

I don't think that's small. Not everyone has the ability to really provide comfort in those situations. I would have no clue what to really say, and I have someone I used to know possibly about to deal with the same thing. It's heartbreaking

 

Sometimes the thing that gives flight to our deepest grief, is exactly what others need. There is great worth in revisiting our personal grief to comfort someone in the same situation.

[TXMomof4]

Small potatoes are still potatoes and what looks like a small one to you, looks incredibly meaningful to someone with a craving.

 

Amen! You never know what impact you will make with your 'small potatoes'.

[J-rap]

I think about those things a lot, and I always have. I know there there are different stages, and for a long time it was my job to raise faithful, responsible, caring/contributing, creative individuals. That time is slowly wrapping up, but I always felt there was a calling to something bigger, where I contribute more on a broader scale.

 

My husband and I together had such grand visions! Now since his stroke, so much has changed, for now. Now my job is to help my husband become whole again, and that will probably take years. And yet, I still feel that "calling" for something bigger. Maybe I'm doing it now, in regards to my husband. Who knows! I do believe that little things can make a big difference in the life of one person, and I believe that pretty strongly. Sometimes just having a positive attitude to surround someone with can mean the world, can make all the difference.

[KrissiK]

We are all created differently and have different gifts. Sometimes I get down on myself because I'm not impacting the world like ,others, but I'm gifted differently. Also, you may be doing something completely amazing right now, but will never know it in this lifetime. Susanna Wesley (mother of John and Charles Wesley) comes to mind. Her whole life she was "just a mother" and probably never gave it a second thought. She never realized that her life's work was something amazing that would inspire others and that would cause her name to live on hundreds of years after her death, not only her own life, but obviously the lives of her very famous sons. That's the thing.... you never know. Just live your life the best you can, and leave the rest to God.

[texasmama]

Also, I have noticed that if I am open, opportunities to help others in many ways just come into my life without much effort. Some of this is due toy being a therapist so people tend to call me in a crisis, but once a lady in the line at Old Navy broke down crying and telling me her problems. She had no idea I was a therapist. I was able to provide support and some kind words. That mattered to her on that day.

[SailorMom]

“Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love.â€

― Mother Teresa

 

 

I love that quote....

I (and many others here) am not really in a place in my life where great things are possible (homeschooling, moving to a new state again, etc.), but I do what I can. I volunteer for scouts, work hard with my kids, love my husband, try to love and be kind to anyone I come into contact with.

It's amazing how just complimenting the Wal-Mart checkout lady on her top, or noticing a haircut that looks nice, or making sure the people at Home Depot know how much I appreciate their help truly can make another human happier. That spreads. That spreads a lot.

At some point I want to do a 'great ' thing, but I am still not sure what it will look like. I'm hoping that as long as I pay close attention to what is going on around me, I'll see the opportunity when it arrives.

[CyndiLJ]

I think it is actually a sign of your depth, not at all a mid-life sort of thing (though it certainly can be, I suppose. We live lives of incredible ease versus the vast majority of the world. We also live lives of incredible ignorance of that ease. Any thinking person with a sense of compassion and understanding has times when they recognize this, and feel called to do something that makes a difference.

 

I think where we all get caught up in wrong thinking is seeing some folks make big mission trips to places like Haiti or Africa, or seeing people who completely give up their lives to go teach in a remote village in Asia, and we feel any contribution we might make would be insignificant. We don't realize the ripples from a single small act, and we are paralyzed from doing anything because it seems like it is never enough when compared to the vast need in the world.

 

Most of us want to live lives of meaning. We want life to be about more than just ourselves, but we simply don't know where to begin.

 

Our family has long been friends with a missionary couple from Canada, John and Julie Wright, http://www.actofkindness.blogspot.com

who have made an enormous impact in Tokmok, Kyrgyzstan. Now, I absolutely do not feel called to drop everything and move to Kyrgyzstan to work alongside them, but we have partnered with them from time to time on various projects, we have prayed for their work, we have assisted financially in small ways. John is amazing in his ability to help you see the ripples once you have helped, and he has completely reframed my ideas about outreach. You know what his big phrase is?

 

Stop for the one in front of you.

 

You don't have to go looking very far, unless you live such an insular life you never find yourself interacting among anyone other than folks in the exact same circumstances as yourself. How many folks in your town work at Walmart and go hungry because they don't have enough paycheck to stretch through the week? How about the guy who helps as a janitor at the local school...does he need help learning English to get a better job? What about the elderly in your community who often sit alone behind closed apartment doors due to immobility, craving human contact but unable to seek it out themselves?

 

Stopping for the one in front of you places you exactly where you ought to be, doing exactly what you ought to do...but it also can be uncomfortable.

 

I realized I was feeling just like you are now a year or two ago. I have long been engaged in various efforts here and there to help my world, even though always in small ways. For the past 10 years, it is revolved mostly around orphans and donations to meet their needs, but I started driving for Meals on Wheels at 18 years old, and have done many other things throughout the years. All of it seemed fairly small though. That is until I really looked at what "small"can do, and John helped with that as well.

 

I involved our church 4 years ago in raising money for a mom in Kyrgyzstan to receive a sewing machine. John knew of a mom who had 4 or 5 children who had landed in an orphanage because she couldn't care for them. She needed an income to get her life back. So, we sent $700 for a sewing machine and supplies to get her started. She began making mattresses (small sleeping mats, really) wholesale for John, who was buying them retail to place in various homes for the orphans and disabled as we as to provide to street people. There must be a thousand or more mattresses in Tokmok now being used in places where people 70+ years old or older were sleeping on concrete floors, or replacing bug infested, rotting ones in orphanages where forgotten children reside. She started making clothing for locals, repairing clothing for orphans,custom orders, and more and now has a thriving sewing business with 4 machines and her daughter employed, her children are all home and doing well...and she is now a foster mom.

 

All from $700.

 

The ripples extend further than we ever might imagine.

 

I decided that since we couldn't go overseas, which never felt like a calling for us, we would seek out our "mission field" right here in our hometown, where poverty reigns though many choose not to see it. In our kids' old public school, more than 75% of the kids qualify for free lunch. I realized we needed to stop for the one in front of us. Last year we all started volunteering at our local food bank, and my husband recently felt called to join their board. We are all learning so much, our ideas about poverty are changing, and we are seeing the need to advocate in the ways we can.

 

Are there times when it still feels like too little? Yes, but that is because the needs are never ending everywhere you turn. But it is something

 

, and that is better than nothing. It matters.

[LibraryLover]

Yes, recently I have been thinking, "I have not yet done what I meant to do." I am currently re-evaluating some things, and it may be that my always- hs'd youngest will attend school this fall. I feel really done with that intense hsing, and so does dc. We experimented with some outsourcing this year, and I I saw a great spark ignited in my child, so it feels time to shake things up.

 

It's not that I do not have personal interests, or that I do not want to continue to care for my family and extended family. I think I can do all that and be more true to myself. I no longer have a house full of young children. I have children who are self-sufficient, self-motivated, and have a greatly decreased need for intense mothering. Yes, it's time to do something new.

[ktgrok]

Remember that there are seasons in life. Right now your season is child rearing. But you will have many empty nest years, and you can be planning what to do then. volunteering with various organizations might really help you get a sense of peace then. But you don't have to do it all now.