You know what really bugs me?

[annandatje]

Generally I do not mind childless people offering parental advice as long as it is solicited. Parenting is largely skilled interpersonal relationshipping, and some people simply are naturally more gifted in that area.

[SailorMom]

 

 

As much as I'd like to believe the contrary, I'm not completely sure I'd be reacting differently if there were a thread like this about me.

 

Yeah - I agree with a lot of posts in this thread - man does unsolicited advice from "pre-parentals" drive me nuts!!!!

But - I do think I'd be off deleting and crying and feeling really beat up if this was about me.

 

[MrsJewelsRae]

Ha, yes! Especially when a teacher who is younger than I and has no children tells me and all her homeschooling fb friends (at least a dozen homeschoolers and hs grads- which include 2 police officers, a soldier, army medic, 2 preachers, several overseas missionaries, and a social worker to name a few) that Christians should not homeschool their children because they aren't being "salt and light". Hello??!! Besides all my other arguments on that topic, look at your audience!! These homeschoolers have dedicated their lives to service of their God, their communities or their country and you're lecturing them on not having their kids go off to be little preachers in the public school?!! Nice, but hey you're the professional so you know better than us... :-/

[annandatje]

Meh. Those things happen. Emotions can get out of hand here sometimes. People get miffed, delete posts, declare that they will take board break or delete account. When the ruffled feathers are smoothed, they're back in ten second, minutes, days, maybe months until the next blowup that they get too emotionally invested in. Most people learn which type of threads to avoid because it pushes their own personal buttons.

 

At one time, swan songs were supposedly against board rules. Not sure if that was ever an official policy punishable by lashing with noodle. Someone here compared it to the paraphrased film/novel line, "The first rule of Fight Club is to not mention Fight Club."

[Remudamom]

I know!!

 

I also love it when people like, I don't know, MY PARENTS, are just certain that you're not parenting properly or your kids will simply behave a certain way, because that's how it worked with their kids. I have news for these people:

 

1 Your kids did all sorts of things they weren't supposed to do, and you choose to not remember.

2. You were fortunate that none of your children had ASD or any other mental, psychological or physiological disorder. Congratulations.

 

Grrr....

 

 

My answer to this (with my mil, my mom thinks I'm the last word in child raising) is "you had your chance to ruin your children now is my chance to ruin mine. Back. off.

[MrsJewelsRae]

Hmm, apparently I'm not in the loop, didn't realize this was a thread about something more specific...

[Guest]

Hmm, apparently I'm not in the loop, didn't realize this was a thread about something more specific...

 

Don't worry... it's a Houdini thread.

[SKL]

Or someone who has had her children taken away do to abuse, neglect and endangerment (2 counts of each, pled guilty). This would be my brother's babies mama (said brother now has custody of them)

 

Oh yeah, my step-niece was full of advice when I was bringing my kids home. There is not one remote aspect of her life that I would want to emulate. Funny thing, once when she was telling me about how rotten her kids were (I also had kids then), I mentioned what I would do to my kids if they did that, and she and her mom (my SIL) and my brother wouldn't talk to me after that for like two years. Apparently if I say anything I'm putting her kids down. But she can say whatever about me and my kids. OK, I get it . . . ?

[MomtoCandJ]

It's so sad though, my dd is 2 and 1/2 months younger then the twins (dn and dneph) and a year and 2 months younger then older dn. my dd acts much older then them (she acts like a normal 4 yr old), she is more socially mature, she's healthier looking. My brother is doing what he can but can't undo 4 and 5 years of neglect over night. I had them here for three days two weeks ago and they don't know how to behave at other people's homes because they didn't go any where but to school (when she got them up). I'm still finding food wrappers and broken things in dd's room. Dnephew ate some fish food and then emptied the can in the fish tank (killed dd's fish) while I was cooking dinner. Oh and the fits... I thought I was gonna pull my hair out. I'm glad he has my mom's help.

[TXBeth]

Well, I could have sworn there was a rule here about not threatening to leave anyway.

 

 

I think it's right next to the rule about not announcing that you're putting people on ignore.

[Tita Gidge]

I think it depends.

 

I have known very intuitive and empathetic people.. One of my best midwives never had a child, but was so supportive and knowledgable. One of my sisters (then childless) was the most help to me when I was the mother of very small children. She helped me greatly with perspective.

 

Many people often have certain relevant life experiences ( as a sibling, daughter, teacher, counselor, excellent observer etc) and can very often offer thoughtful suggestions and/ or commiseration.

 

 

Liking the post didn't feel enough; I wanted to quote it, too.

 

Great post.

 

Naturally there are know-it-alls sharing our world, but - though vocal - I find them in the minority. IME most people are able to relate to the experiences of others just fine, even having not shared the experience firsthand. Few of us are that unique or special, especially as the world shrinks through technology, but even IRL.

[diplomum]

I agree with lots of the above. My step mum never had kids of her own and inherited us as teens and she has been a fantastic help, possibly because she underestimates her wisdom rather than overestimates it. She was a teacher of young children and special needs children for many, many years, and just likes kids, so she often has great input but would never give unsolicited advice. I also had an amazing childless midwife who really seemed to be "get it" and had great advice and reassurances during a difficult pregnancy.

 

I think the worst offenders can be the mothers of one toddler. They've got it all figured out. Not all mothers of one, of course, but I have a few FB friends full of advice on feeding, sleeping and discipline because of their vast parenting experience. I agree, it's the tone though. The same advice given in a less superior way wouldn't rub me the wrong way.

 

I have six kids and, dare I say it, they're mostly normal and mostly decent kids. People ask me for parenting advice all the time and I don't give much. I usually offer three or four suggestions rather than the "one" that worked for me. I try and remember I was a young idealistic mum of one at one time, too.

 

I hated people blowing me off with the "Relax, it's just kindergarten" comment. Now I think that all the time but try not to say it out loud and offer up my embarrassingly large curriculum collection for them to peruse.

[DawnM]

This is very faulty logic on her part.

 

I actually agree with several point made in this article:

 

http://www.crosswalk.com/family/homeschool/10-big-reasons-not-to-send-christian-kids-to-public-schools-11603305.html

 

 

Ha, yes! Especially when a teacher who is younger than I and has no children tells me and all her homeschooling fb friends (at least a dozen homeschoolers and hs grads- which include 2 police officers, a soldier, army medic, 2 preachers, several overseas missionaries, and a social worker to name a few) that Christians should not homeschool their children because they aren't being "salt and light". Hello??!! Besides all my other arguments on that topic, look at your audience!! These homeschoolers have dedicated their lives to service of their God, their communities or their country and you're lecturing them on not having their kids go off to be little preachers in the public school?!! Nice, but hey you're the professional so you know better than us... :-/

 

[MissKNG]

Agreed!

 

My neighbor, who is getting her Masters in some sort of Childhood something, thinks my kids "aren't normal" because they don't fit with what she reads in her textbooks. Needless to say, we aren't friends.

[DawnM]

My friend lives in a sub-division with small lots and has neighbors right next to her who is retired. I have no idea if he has kids for not but he certainly does NOT like hers (they homeschool.)

 

One day he got really upset and said to friend's DH, "Your kids are NOT NORMAL!"

 

My friends DH replied, "THANK YOU! We strive for far more than that."

 

Agreed!

 

My neighbor, who is getting her Masters in some sort of Childhood something, thinks my kids "aren't normal" because they don't fit with what she reads in her textbooks. Needless to say, we aren't friends.

 

[DawnM]

I think there is a huge difference between acting out in a wonderful parenting way and going around giving advice to parents on how THEY should do X or Y.

 

My Grandmother (Dad's mom) married my Grandfather who was a widower with two young children. She was a wonderful mother, a far better mother than I could ever hope to be, even before she had her own biological children (my father was her first child born to her.)

 

I agree with lots of the above. My step mum never had kids of her own and inherited us as teens and she has been a fantastic help, possibly because she underestimates her wisdom rather than overestimates it. She was a teacher of young children and special needs children for many, many years, and just likes kids, so she often has great input but would never give unsolicited advice. I also had an amazing childless midwife who really seemed to be "get it" and had great advice and reassurances during a difficult pregnancy.

 

I think the worst offenders can be the mothers of one toddler. They've got it all figured out. Not all mothers of one, of course, but I have a few FB friends full of advice on feeding, sleeping and discipline because of their vast parenting experience. I agree, it's the tone though. The same advice given in a less superior way wouldn't rub me the wrong way.

 

I have six kids and, dare I say it, they're mostly normal and mostly decent kids. People ask me for parenting advice all the time and I don't give much. I usually offer three or four suggestions rather than the "one" that worked for me. I try and remember I was a young idealistic mum of one at one time, too.

 

I hated people blowing me off with the "Relax, it's just kindergarten" comment. Now I think that all the time but try not to say it out loud and offer up my embarrassingly large curriculum collection for them to peruse.

 

[annandatje]

Hmm, apparently I'm not in the loop, didn't realize this was a thread about something more specific...

 

 

I was puzzled when I read this thread too. It seemed to have two major themes, nonparents giving advice and publicly declaring a board exit, so I responded to both.

 

Usually I only read first post before responding, but this time I scanned entire thread. Like you, I am definitely not in loop, but that's ok. I like it that way most of time.

[unfrumpable.]

I think it's right next to the rule about not announcing that you're putting people on ignore.

 

 

 

:lol: Love it!

[annandatje]

My only issue with ignore feature is that it makes conversation rather disjointed.

[SKL]

I think it's right next to the rule about not announcing that you're putting people on ignore.

And not talking about closed/deleted threads in a new thread.

[annandatje]

And not talking about closed/deleted threads in a new thread.

 

Here's a new rule: do not post where undercurrent is strong.

[beaners]

I also love when people give me homeschooling advice for my oldest kids when they only have toddlers or little kids and have never taught my age range.

 

I'm always hesitant to post on the threads for older kids because my own children are younger. It sounds kind of pathetic to begin my posts with a long drawn out explanation of how I was responsible for my younger brother's high school education after my mom moved out of state, or how I tutored that subject, or whatever. If my opinions or ideas have merit, they don't need an appeal to the authority of my experience. So instead of letting my statements speak for themselves or putting in those disclaimers, I just don't submit most of those posts. :lol: (Why do I do that?!)

 

Speaking to the original post, one of my pet peeves is when people assume a first-time mother is obviously being ridiculous about her infant and she'll change her tune once she's had a few more kids. I've had four newborns, and my opinions with the fourth are almost identical to the opinions I had with my first. "Oh, she'll learn not to fuss with those cloth diapers." "She'll stop spending all her time holding and talking to that little baby that can't understand her." :confused1: "She'll relax about that whole germ thing." (Actually, I've always been overly relaxed, but the opposite stance has its reasons too.) I absolutely hate the condescension toward young mothers or mothers with only a few children. They have every right to parent their child or children the way they want, without everyone else dismissing what they think or do.

[*Lulu*]

 

And not talking about closed/deleted threads in a new thread.

 

Does this include innuendo, subtext, and veiled referencing?

[unfrumpable.]

Prior to being married and having a kid, my stance was to not get married or have kids. I was in my 30s before that happened, so I endured years of people asking why I wasn't married, why didn't I have any kids, why wasn't I dating more, etc etc. Not friends and family because they knew me and wouldn't ask those kind of things, but complete strangers.

 

Fortunately, I haven't picked up much slack for having an only or homeschooling.

[nmoira]

Does this include innuendo, subtext, and veiled referencing?

 

You make it sound so titillating I shivered.

[WishboneDawn]

NM.

[songsparrow]

This was about another poster giving advice here? I assumed it was about a family member or friend IRL. Whatever the drama is on the boards right now, it has apparently gone over my head.

[mommymilkies]

I'm always hesitant to post on the threads for older kids because my own children are younger. It sounds kind of pathetic to begin my posts with a long drawn out explanation of how I was responsible for my younger brother's high school education after my mom moved out of state, or how I tutored that subject, or whatever. If my opinions or ideas have merit, they don't need an appeal to the authority of my experience. So instead of letting my statements speak for themselves or putting in those disclaimers, I just don't submit most of those posts. :lol: (Why do I do that?!)

 

Speaking to the original post, one of my pet peeves is when people assume a first-time mother is obviously being ridiculous about her infant and she'll change her tune once she's had a few more kids. I've had four newborns, and my opinions with the fourth are almost identical to the opinions I had with my first. "Oh, she'll learn not to fuss with those cloth diapers." "She'll stop spending all her time holding and talking to that little baby that can't understand her." :confused1: "She'll relax about that whole germ thing." (Actually, I've always been overly relaxed, but the opposite stance has its reasons too.) I absolutely hate the condescension toward young mothers or mothers with only a few children. They have every right to parent their child or children the way they want, without everyone else dismissing what they think or do.

 

 

lol, no you can tell when it's an educated opinion on the subject. For example, I was the only parent my brothers really had for years after some...parental issues. I fed, bathed, and cared for them from the time I was about 15 until 19. So I knew a whole lot more than people would have guessed by my age, and still know way too much about public school and special ed issues for boys. That's totally different than an entirely naive opinion that just doesn't get that Waldorf preschooling books are a totally ok substitute for Junior High Science, for example. ;) I've heard some real doozies. I definitely wouldn't have a problem with what you have to say! Of course, I also am not terribly worried by teachers who don't have children. It's just the judgement and obstinance behind the POV of some people who aren't parents who know EVERYTHING. So, type away!

[DawnM]

Not really, but many assume that is the only reason I posted. I admit it did add to the mix, but it wasn't THE reason I started the thread and it was not just one poster.....it was the last few weeks of IRL and a few different posters here and on another board that just got me irritated.

 

This was about another poster giving advice here? I assumed it was about a family member or friend IRL. Whatever the drama is on the boards right now, it has apparently gone over my head.

[TranquilMind]

When people who don't even have children give parenting advice.

 

There, I said it......that is all......

 

Yes! I've also noticed an inverse relationship between the ages of the kids and the stridency and authoritarianism of the advice, though not so much here as other forums.

 

I knew it all too, when I had a single toddler. ;)

[TranquilMind]

 

I think the worst offenders can be the mothers of one toddler. They've got it all figured out. Not all mothers of one, of course, but I have a few FB friends full of advice on feeding, sleeping and discipline because of their vast parenting experience. I agree, it's the tone though. The same advice given in a less superior way wouldn't rub me the wrong way.

 

I have six kids and, dare I say it, they're mostly normal and mostly decent kids. People ask me for parenting advice all the time and I don't give much. I usually offer three or four suggestions rather than the "one" that worked for me. I try and remember I was a young idealistic mum of one at one time, too.

 

I hated people blowing me off with the "Relax, it's just kindergarten" comment. Now I think that all the time but try not to say it out loud and offer up my embarrassingly large curriculum collection for them to peruse.

 

That's so funny. I just said that (the bolded!).

 

Yes, I'd rather listen to someone like you with 6 kids!

[Harriet Vane]

 

 

Speaking to the original post, one of my pet peeves is when people assume a first-time mother is obviously being ridiculous about her infant and she'll change her tune once she's had a few more kids. I've had four newborns, and my opinions with the fourth are almost identical to the opinions I had with my first. "Oh, she'll learn not to fuss with those cloth diapers." "She'll stop spending all her time holding and talking to that little baby that can't understand her." :confused1: "She'll relax about that whole germ thing." (Actually, I've always been overly relaxed, but the opposite stance has its reasons too.) I absolutely hate the condescension toward young mothers or mothers with only a few children. They have every right to parent their child or children the way they want, without everyone else dismissing what they think or do.

 

This is a good point too. When my dd had separation anxiety, everyone blamed it on me as the young mother. I was either creating the problem or making up a problem that didn't exist and the baby would be fine if I would just leave her with whatever stranger she was adamantly refusing. (ugh) When ds did not struggle with separation anxiety, everyone assumed I had mellowed out with the second baby. That was not the case at all! Two kids, two personalities, each with their own foibles, and blaming the mother or dismissing mom's concerns was not helpful at all.

[BigMamaBird]

I knew so much more about raising kids before I actually had kids.

[SwallowTail]

Couldn't agree more. One of the most annoying experiences I had in this regard was when I took DS to an Occupational Therapist when he was 8 and she proceeded to give me lots of unsolicited parenting advice (from her vast storehouse of parenting wisdom related to parenting her 2 year old daughter - who is not on the autism spectrum and doesn't have the kind of issues that warrant going to an OT in the first place). Ummm, thanks. :rolleyes:

 

This was the first thing that sprang to my mind as well! Our first OT had no children and had all kinds of parenting advice. (eyeroll) She espeically was no ta fan of homeschooling. The next one did have a baby, and started out being the same way (also not in favor of homeschooling), but when I had a very direct conversation with her, she seemed to have a very teachable heart, as she changed certain aspects of her approach and recommendations quite a bit and grew pretty supportive of us.

 

I also left the church I had been attending for a while because after I had my baby, unsolicited, heavy-handed, opposite-of-our philosophy advice just kept rolling in.

 

More recently, we have a friend who has a 25 year old son, who I also thought was our friend. But lately, he hass had a whole lot of "opinions" on parenting, which is ludicrous (and he especially knows nothing about SN/ASD/ ADD related issues.)

[kiwik]

I must I missed something too.

 

We were all single once and we probably all thought we knew more than we did and said so. Programmes like supernanny don't help. I give people the benefit of the doubt unless they refuse to take a hint. I am considering exposing to someone I have recently met that giving a 7 month old raspberry soda in her bottle is NOT ok though.

[LibraryLover]

I agree with you, Beaners. I have several children, and my parenting philosophy never had to radically with each child. Tweaked a bit here and there for individual personalities, but still I parented in the way I felt was real to me, and respectful to my children.

 

I felt sad when older moms chortled to me, "oh, you'll keep the first attached to your breast, but wait until the next one comes along. You won't be able to do that." etc some people hoped for 'failure'.

 

You know what, I bf and carried them all. Through latch problems and bleeding, to sitting in a rocking chair in the hospital all night long with a baby out of surgery attached to my breast.

 

I didn't spank. I didn't give up and feed them fast food when they went through picky eating phases.

 

Those "you'll see when you have more than one how you'll give up this hippie nonsense" was quite annoying, though I never bothered arguing, since I could only parent in the way that felt like me. Sure, when I had a kid whose body heat made co-sleeping close miserable, I but the kid in a bed near me, rather than on me in bed. Dc didn't like to sleep alone, so we compromised.

 

There were lots of adaptations, but my style didn't change.

 

ETA: I edited typing errors now that I have a communication device other than my phone 0.