family member using drugs - WWYD?

[HappyLady]

I've posted on here before about my newly turned 17 year old nephew who has started smoking, drinking and most likely smoking pot. Well, today we all found out he's also been doing ecstasy. :( It fell out of his pocket, which is how my sister discovered it.

 

What I'm concerned about is him being around my kids. I never thought I'd ever have to even be considering this, but do I forbid him from coming to my house anymore? My children are only 5 and 2.5. What if those drugs had fallen out of his pocket at my house and one of my kids ingested it?? My 5 year old likes to spend the night at my sister's. Do I not let her anymore?

 

How do I handle all this? My sister said they're going to get him help, but I don't know if he's really going to accept it. I wouldn't let any other known drug user near my kids, but do I make an exception because he's my nephew and we shouldn't turn our backs on him?

 

I'm so torn and upset over this. I love him like he's my own son, but I have to watch out for my own kids first. What do I do? :(

[Lang Syne Boardie]

You watch out for your kids first.

 

You can love him by insisting that he be clean to be around your children. Setting that standard "is" loving, and right. You can support his journey to get help, you can be very actively involved as support people in his life, but your gut instinct is right on. He can't be on drugs, or possessing drugs, and be around your little kids. Not at all.

[Lisbeth]

I read once that those you are friendly with and welcome into your home (or that you visit) are teaching your kids who you feel is safe, trustworthy, and acceptable. With that in mind, we avoid those who I do NOT want my kids to feel unguarded around as they grow up. We in fact have dealt with pushback from relatives who would love for us to come around when they have invited drug abusers and domestically violent people into their houses. Errr...no. It's funny that they would even try pushback, because when it comes to my children, I think, "How cute, you think you can push me into putting my kids in harms way."

 

I also prefer to be off the mental radar of those who have any hint of violent tendencies. I realize you aren't talking about violence here, though.

[Harriet Vane]

Someone very dear to me struggled with drug addiction for seven long years. Others who are dear to me did not explode into full-blown addiction and were never in rehab, but these others do drink a lot more than I would like, and have had periods in their lives during which the partying was very much a lifestyle. Further, I lived for fourteen years in the city and had a lot of interaction with and worked with people struggling with addictions issues.

 

Your children can never spend the night at his house again and should not be left with him unsupervised ever. Family parties will have to be a tag-team effort between you and your husband to keep your children in direct visual range without making others at the party uncomfortable.

 

That said, I would not cut him out of your family life. This problem does not have a short-term solution. Even if he decides to live clean today, he will have a long, hard road ahead of him. Many addicts struggle with years of relapse before they can be clean. Cutting him off from the people who love him will reinforce his need for drugs, though at some point you may have to do so. I just wouldn't take that drastic step yet, because he is young, new to the addiction, and he will need all the love and support you can give him.

 

Have a direct conversation with your sister about this. Some vague plan to get him help sometime will not do the trick. This is a five-alarm fire. He needs complete cut-off from the friendship culture that supports this behavior as well as medical intervention. My own inclination would be immediately to pull him from school and get him in a detox program. If your sister wants him back in school at some point, it has to be a different school, after using the summer to supervise him and support him as intensively as if he were just a toddler. Activities and time with friends should be carefully chosen and carefully monitored, and there should be ongoing intervention and support both through organizations like NA as well as with a therapist. If they want to save his life, there is no such thing as free time for him anymore, and all his friendships must be supervised and monitored. Parents should also attend support meetings and have therapy as well.

 

Most people do not do this, though. Most say it's not that bad, yet. Most will try a little intervention to start. Then a lull where everything seems fine. Then a little more intervention when ongoing addiction is discovered. And so on. This slow progression of intervention is a colossal waste of everyone's time and does not recognize the power of the physical addiction OR the power of the CULTURE and MINDSET of addiction both within the individual and the within the group of friends who foster the addiction.

[Dandelion]

Put the safety of your kids first (in whatever way you deem necessary), and then do what you can for your nephew. With proper boundaries in place, you can do both. :grouphug:

[Lanny]

You must protect your innocent young children. That is your responsibility, at all times. Yes, you must forbid him from coming to your house, and yes your kids cannot go to their house.

 

You wrote that they are going to get help for him. That only works if he honestly wants to change. If he does not want to change, it is time and money down the drain.

 

At 2 1/2 and 5, your DC are little more than babies. At 17, he is a grown man and you do not know what kind of criminal activity he may be involved with. Keep him light years away from your DC.

[Impish]

Addictions are so hard. I'm sorry.

 

I can only tell you the choices we've made.

 

Wolf has several birth sibs that have addiction issues. Considering that all known sibs, w/the one exception have FASD to one degree or another, it's not terribly surprising.

 

Anyways

 

Before we met, Wolf had attempted relationships w/2 of his brothers. He even had one staying w/him...til he came home to find that all his electronics were missing. Brother was 'nice' enough to leave him a note w/the name of the pawnshop his stuff was at, plus put Wolf's name on the ticket, so he could simpy pay to get it back, rather than rebuy it.

 

Then, a cpl of yrs after we were married, it was discovered that his eldest sister was bragging to others about smoking crack. And her dd was using meth.

 

Very long story short, we served as an emergency placement for sister's grandchild for a cpl of wks when I was pregnant w/Tazzie. (Found out after about the sister using crack)v

 

We no longer have anything to do w/any of the 3 sibs. Wolf flat out refused to have either brother even meet me, let alone our kids, or have our contact info. Elder sister is no longer welcome in our lives.

 

Finding out that she was smoking crack certainly explained the money and jewelery, etc going missing whenever she visited. Also impacting our decision was that we wanted to be sure that if his great niece ever needed to come into care, we could be at the top of the list of safe places, since none of them had our addy.

 

Our situation was easier to deal w/though. First, all of these ppl were adults. 2nd, Wolf had met them all less than 5 yrs prior to these things coming to light, so there wasn't the emotional attachment involved w/them that there is w/you and your nephew. For Wolf, it was a very easy decision of protecting his family from ppl who had shown that they were untrustworthy, toxic, and potentially dangerous.r

 

Your first priority is your children's safety. Everything else pales in comparison. At the least, I would not have him over to the house, and if you go to your sister's, I'd be keeping a very close eye on your kids at all times. Both for safety issues, and to prevent him from stealing things from you to sell. I know that sounds harsh, but the reality of addictions is that ppl will do things in desperation that they'd never consider sober, including stealing from family.

 

Once you've figured out what your safety plan is for your family, then you can look at what is possible for you to do in terms of supporting your sister and nephew. :grouphug:

[Chris in VA]

It is a myth that someone needs to be "ready to change" or rehab is a waste of time. They can get ready there.

 

I would not cut him off, but I agree with Harriet.

 

And don't think you will be able to tell each and every time your nephew is high. I've been with those on drugs right in front of me and didn't know they'd used, and I'm not an idiot.

 

Also, ecstacy is horrible, horrible stuff--someone CAN turn violent quickly on it, tho it isn't that common.

 

I'm so sorry this is part of your journey. It's been part of mine, and it sucks.

[Lisbeth]

One more thing to think about, nephew may not be violent, but what about his dealer? What about his fellow drug users? What about all of the news stories abt relative caught in the crosshairs when the dealers come to collect? Granted, it is usually over harder drugs than you so far know about, but, just, no. I won't have my kids around any of that mess. Trust me, I have had to make this tough choice more than once with extended family, and it is icky. But drug users are liars, cheats and thieves, because they aren't themselves. Hugs...I know how this feels.

[Joanne]

If you plan to never have your children around people who abuse drugs, your family will be very lonely. People abuse reacreational drugs, including alcohol, fairly regularly. Statistically, nearly every family has an Rx drug abuser at Thanksgiving dinner.

 

X is a party drug, used in group and party settings. He's not likely to be "on it" at family gatherings.

 

Having read and responded to your other threads on the topic, I suspect your "protect the kids" is an indirect way to try to change his behavior. He's not a risk to your kids at the moment. He's not likely to be substance dependent yet.

 

I agree that intervention, help, clear behavioral contracts with consequences and follow through, and intentional parenting is needed. Chris in VA is right: it is a myth that the person "has to want it" and it's also a myth that those who relapse "don't want it enough". It's a disease - it's like telling a heart disease patient that they must "hit bottom", they aren't motivated "enough".

 

Getting this young man help, however, is unlikely to result in permanent sobriety. It DOES happen, but it is very, very unlikely at his age. Open minded family involvement is critical - *informed* with accurate information about substance abuse in teens.

[Joanne]

One more thing to think about, nephew may not be violent, but what about his dealer? What about his fellow drug users? What about all of the news stories abt relative caught in the crosshairs when the dealers come to collect? Granted, it is usually over harder drugs than you so far know about, but, just, no. I won't have my kids around any of that mess. Trust me, I have had to make this tough choice more than once with extended family, and it is icky. But drug users are liars, cheats and thieves, because they aren't themselves. Hugs...I know how this feels.

 

They are *also* honor students, Accountants, mothers, fathers, Little League Coaches, Youth Pastors, scrapbookers, lettered high school athletes, medical doctors, nurses, school teachers, and Substance Abuse Counselors.

 

Fellow drug users in high school students is a very high percentage.

[Impish]

Joanne, w/out a crystal ball, you cannot possibly make any assertions in regard to his either being a risk to the kids, or substance dependant. Not knowing what his path has been, in terms of when he began using, what he's using, frequency, etc, I don't see how anyone can reasonably state what safety issues may be at stake, so ppl are erring on the side of caution.

 

Being cautious can ensure safety measures for the kids...not doing so, and being proved wrong, could have long term consequences.

 

Not something to risk w/young children, imo.

[MomatHWTK]

I wouldn't let someone who carries harmful substances around in his pocket with so little care in my home with my children any more than I would let someone leaves a loaded gun within reach of children do so in my house. Even if I want to be "supportive" I'm not going to let someone who foolishly puts others in danger come into my house and do so.

 

And if my family doesn't have a lot of extra people hanging around as a result, that's OK, we aren't lonely and our home is our sanctuary.

[catz]

Absolutely, I would not let this kid in my door unless he had successfully gone through rehab and appeared clean. I also wouldn't have hesitated to call the cops on him had he had drugs on him that he dropped on my property. My brother and SIL had to have the cops come drag away my 15 year old nephew at a couple points to get a message through his head. So many parenting problems in that case too IMO, but he is doing better.

 

If you really wanted to be involved, I would do it over the phone or meet with him one on one. Although, I would not give him any kind of help that might potentially be enabling. I'd let him know, he will be welcome with open arms AFTER rehab. I would not let this kid be someone my kids might potentially start looking up to. When my nephew was having problems, I actually shared many ugly details with my oldest son who really liked this nephew. I wanted him to know how not OK his behavior was. That relationship was damaged and will likely never be the same.

[Murphy101]

 

 

They are *also* honor students, Accountants, mothers, fathers, Little League Coaches, Youth Pastors, scrapbookers, lettered high school athletes, medical doctors, nurses, school teachers, and Substance Abuse Counselors.

 

Fellow drug users in high school students is a very high percentage.

 

None of which excludes them from being liars, cheats, and theives, so I have no idea what your point was.

 

I might let him in my home. It would depend on the situation. Never alone. Sure not to babysit.

 

I would not let my children go visit sister without you anymore. Be prepared for her to not take it well.

[jelbe5]

You must detach with love. This is a natural consequence of destructive life choices. Yes, you forbid him to come to your home. He is a risk and you must protect yourself and your family.

 

Tell him you love him. Tell him you want him to get help and get well. Do not give him any support for his destructive choices. He has to want help. If he is not ready, step aside and let the self destruction commence. The faster he hits a bottom the sooner he will seek help - trust me, I speak from experience.

 

If your family wants to do something such as an intervention, be ready to go. Be ready to visit him in rehab. Otherwise, there is very little you can do. I am so sorry.

[meggie]

I would let him come visit if I searched his pockets. Even after rehab. I would never let my children go visit there, even if I was with them. What if they found something under a couch cushion, under the sink, or went in his room and found something there. My mom has to take MANY medications (all legitimate ones) but when she visits they are stashed way high up where the kids couldn't reach them if they tried. And one time she spilled some, when I was in labor with Chuck. It took a ridiculous amount of time to clear every piece of furniture and sweep under everything to ensure that we had gotten it all. Not something I would risk at all.

 

Support him over the phone or on your own.

[Melissa in Australia]

I would protect my children by cutting contact.

[Joanne]

I might let him in my home. It would depend on the situation. Never alone. Sure not to babysit.

 

I would not let my children go visit sister without you anymore. Be prepared for her to not take it well.

 

 

These are reasonable and appropriate boundaries.

[Melissa in Australia]

 

 

X is a party drug, used in group and party settings. He's not likely to be "on it" at family gatherings.

 

Having read and responded to your other threads on the topic, I suspect your "protect the kids" is an indirect way to try to change his behavior. He's not a risk to your kids at the moment. He's not likely to be substance dependent yet.

 

I

 

 

How can you possibly know this?

 

Personally I would not risk my children to be regularly hanging out with a relative who was known to be regularly abusing at least 2 different drugs.

It is not a good role model for the younger kids at all.

[Joanne]

How can you possibly know this?

 

Personally I would not risk my children to be regularly hanging out with a relative who was known to be regularly abusing at least 2 different drugs.

It is not a good role model for the younger kids at all.

 

A statistically significant number of teens regularly abuse drugs.

 

Heck, a statistically significant number of *adults* do the same.

 

I don't assume that a teen who "parties" or "uses" to excess is doing so constantly, around my kids, or around family functions. If that teen progresses into diagnosable substance abuse our attendance, I'd expect they'd more likely avoid family events rather than attend them.

 

At this point, with this kid, I'd welcome him to my home, around my kids, any time I or another informed adult was present.

[Melissa in Australia]

Joanne I completely disagree.

I feel your approach would be showing to the relative passive acceptance.

[Impish]

I wouldn't want to gamble my kids safety on the basis of him conforming to statistics

 

As I said earlier, the risk in being wrong in this situation is far more grave than erring on the side of caution.

[Joanne]

Joanne I completely disagree.

I feel your approach would be showing to the relative passive acceptance.

 

Do you exclude adults who over comsume alcohol? The adults who over-take Rx pills? The adult who regularly smokes mj after work?

 

You can't sober up a human by witholding time, love, attention, or care. I believe that strict boundaries can be necessary for the protection of people, but this situation is not near that point.

 

If the child has the disease of substance abuse, he'll need MORE supportive (and informed) family involvement, not less). Waiting until he gets better reflects not only poor understanding of the nature of substance abuse, but ditches the kid when he's in need.

 

That's not a role model, either.

[Melissa in Australia]

I wouldn't want to gamble my kids safety on the basis of him conforming to statistics

 

As I said earlier, the risk in being wrong in this situation is far more grave than erring on the side of caution.

:iagree:

Imp you worded it so nicely. I wish I had your skill.

instead I have written out and deleted quite a few posts that seemed to be either personal attacks or fanatical.

[Harriet Vane]

A statistically significant number of teens regularly abuse drugs.

 

Heck, a statistically significant number of *adults* do the same.

 

I don't assume that a teen who "parties" or "uses" to excess is doing so constantly, around my kids, or around family functions. If that teen progresses into diagnosable substance abuse our attendance, I'd expect they'd more likely avoid family events rather than attend them.

 

At this point, with this kid, I'd welcome him to my home, around my kids, any time I or another informed adult was present.

 

 

Joanne's advice is spot on. I highlighted the key words. She is not advocating full relationship privileges with vulnerable children. Rather, she is advocating direct, informed supervision by a responsible adult.

[meggie]

Do you exclude adults who over comsume alcohol? The adults who over-take Rx pills? The adult who regularly smokes mj after work?

 

You can't sober up a human by witholding time, love, attention, or care. I believe that strict boundaries can be necessary for the protection of people, but this situation is not near that point.

 

If the child has the disease of substance abuse, he'll need MORE supportive (and informed) family involvement, not less). Waiting until he gets better reflects not only poor understanding of the nature of substance abuse, but ditches the kid when he's in need.

 

That's not a role model, either.

 

It's not the OPs job to sober him up. It's her job to keep her children away from the kid with a pocket full of ecstasy!

[Melissa in Australia]

Do you exclude adults who over comsume alcohol? The adults who over-take Rx pills? The adult who regularly smokes mj after work?

 

You can't sober up a human by witholding time, love, attention, or care. I believe that strict boundaries can be necessary for the protection of people, but this situation is not near that point.

 

If the child has the disease of substance abuse, he'll need MORE supportive (and informed) family involvement, not less). Waiting until he gets better reflects not only poor understanding of the nature of substance abuse, but ditches the kid when he's in need.

 

That's not a role model, either.

I disagree.

Personally I do not mix with people who do the above.

bad association spoils useful habits.

 

I know many many people who have taken mj regularly. I do not mix with them at all. I have seen them all the way up from primary school to adults. I have seen what it has done to their life. Drugs destroy minds, relationships and lives.

 

I will freely admit I am fanatical want it comes to drug abuse. It is my hill to die on

[Melissa in Australia]

 

It's not the OPs job to sober him up. It's her job to keep her children away from the kid with a pocket full of ecstasy!

:iagree:

[Impish]

Reality is, he had the tab in his pocket. It fell out. Who knows if it's happened before or since, or if he has other drugs in places where a child could find them

 

If a family member had their meds carelessly about the house, I wouldn't be taking my kids over there either. Dangerous is dangerous, period.

 

My kids safety is paramount.

[Joanne]

I disagree.

Personally I do not mix with people who do the above.

bad association spoils useful habits.

 

I know many many people who have taken mj regularly. I do not mix with them at all. I have seen them all the way up from primary school to adults. I have seen what it has done to their life. Drugs destroy minds, relationships and lives.

 

I will freely admit I am fanatical want it comes to drug abuse. It is my hill to die on

 

 

Dude. You don't have to tell me about the impact on lives with regard to the misuse of recreational drugs.

 

Excluding this teen from the OP's family time isn't going to solve anything.

[Impish]

But it's not her place to solve it. Her place and primary responsibility is what is best for her kids, and their safety is paramount, both physical and emotional.

[DianeW88]

People who drop ecstasy on my living room floor, in my house, where small children could have ingested it are no longer welcome in my home. Period. I would not stop seeing the young man, but he would no longer have access to my children. In my home or his.

[meggie]

Joanne, you're children are teenagers. I'm assuming they're much more educated about drugs and their effects than a 2.5 and 5 year old. The teenager with the drugs will be alright if he's not around them, but they might not necessarily be alright if they are.

[GWOB]

As a parent, my #1 responsibility is to my children. It is my job to keep them safe. I really could not care less about damaging another person's psyche if that person could potentially harm my children. It's not my job to fix or coddle addicts. It's my job to protect my children. Period.

[*********]

 

 

Dude. You don't have to tell me about the impact on lives with regard to the misuse of recreational drugs.

 

Excluding this teen from the OP's family time isn't going to solve anything.

 

Excluding her nephew from her family time certainly *does* solve something. It solves the 'How do I keep my children from accessing nephew's drugs?' problem that the OP has now that her nephew does drugs.

 

Pretty cut and dried to me.

[Incognito]

I don't know the OP's exact family, but it is a lot easier to actually say, "No contact. Totally cut off," than to actually do it. What do you do when the user is going to be at extended family gatherings (do you call just before you go and find out if they showed, since they are unreliable, then choose not to show up if they did)? What if the user is (probably) sober for a while? Whose word do you take for their status?

 

Why has the user developed the addiction in the first place? Are there underlying mental health issues that exacerbate the problem? But also, what is the RIGHT way to treat family you love when they have this horrible problem?

 

We have a similar situation. We've been living it for YEARS. I don't know the answer. We do not have the kids around the user without me or DH. But the more kids we have, the more supervision at family gatherings gets tough. We can't opt out without severe hurt for others in the extended family. Will we have to choose to opt out in the future? Maybe. For now, the user is detained, so it's easier.

 

I guess the up-side to all-out blocking contact is that the user may not remember things from times they are using, so those holes in their memory would cover the times one might avoid contact.

[GWOB]

I don't know the OP's exact family, but it is a lot easier to actually say, "No contact. Totally cut off," than to actually do it. What do you do when the user is going to be at extended family gatherings (do you call just before you go and find out if they showed, since they are unreliable, then choose not to show up if they did)? What if the user is (probably) sober for a while? Whose word do you take for their status?

 

Why has the user developed the addiction in the first place? Are there underlying mental health issues that exacerbate the problem? But also, what is the RIGHT way to treat family you love when they have this horrible problem?

 

We have a similar situation. We've been living it for YEARS. I don't know the answer. We do not have the kids around the user without me or DH. But the more kids we have, the more supervision at family gatherings gets tough. We can't opt out without severe hurt for others in the extended family. Will we have to choose to opt out in the future? Maybe. For now, the user is detained, so it's easier.

 

I guess the up-side to all-out blocking contact is that the user may not remember things from times they are using, so those holes in their memory would cover the times one might avoid contact.

 

Here is how it works in my own family.

 

I come from a long line of alcoholics and drug abusers. The addict is not allowed in my home. Ever. The casual drinker or perhaps even the rare user of marijuana? You can come, as long as you're not addicted. Even I drink (in front of my kids!!!) on occasion to model healthy alcohol use. Addicts just do not come into the home. There are too many variables that I cannot control around my kids.

 

Family gatherings? Those are difficult, especially considering my family history of alcoholism and drug abuse. I watch my kids like a psychotic hawk. I enlist sober family members to watch my kids just to add a second layer of protection for them. Still, it is not my job to "fix" addicts. My #1 job is to protect my kids. Period.

[sahm99]

We have been living this exact situation for the last couple of years - and Joanne very much summarized our attitude. In our case one of the nephews was a reagular "pot/extasy-etc-user" (does that word even exist?), the other one escalated to heroin at a young age. Obviously social/legal consequences were ever present.

Their addiction really discredited them as adults, capable of making controlled, mature and responsible choices. Did it turn them into some monsters I needed to protect my kids from? Absolutely not! Obviously I would not accept a situation where they would be in charge of my kids (and neither the dog, actually!), but that is just because I consider them INCAPABLE of being reliable, not because I expect them to be any more dangerous per se, than the nice proper oncle...

Also, as Joanne wrote above, in a situation of heavy dependancy, the addict himself will be the first one to pull out of the relationship. I cannot count the number of no-shows for family-gatherings, the last minute cancellations...

I am proud though, to be part of an extended family, which found the strength (and mostly managed to figure out the logistics) to integrate its weakest members, while protecting the others. For what it's worth, the older of the two nephews was here for dinner two days ago - and I am so incredibly proud of the way he has evolved. Holding a steady job for 5+ years, living with a lovely, very stable girl, making

[sahm99]

...plans for the future. The younger nephew still has a road to travel, but we are holding our breath, as after his last 6-month hospitalised therapy he has now been clean for over 8 months. His life is in shatters, though, and almost 10 years are difficult to catch up.

Our kids are older now (13,11, 9), so we are very open about addiction, their nephews, and choices we, as their parents, made. Believe me, I am happy to explain why we did never let them sleep at my SIL's house, why we did not think skiing-trips with the nephews were a good idea... I am very relieved, too, NOT having to explain why we cut ties with them when they were at their worst. The most sick, the poorest, the most pittyful.

Last but not least, someone else mentioned signs we are setting for our kids about who is appropriate company, and who is not. Well, we loud and clear wanted to set the sign that we are here whatever - a sign for them and a sign for our kids.

[Joanne]

Why has the user developed the addiction in the first place? Are there underlying mental health issues that exacerbate the problem? But also, what is the RIGHT way to treat family you love when they have this horrible problem?

 

 

 

It's not even established that this teen has an addiction. Clearly he's substance using and abusing, but *addiction* may not be present.

[Tammyla]

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

 

A 5 & 2 y/old need protection, even if it makes you feel mean or uncomfortable with you sister and her ds. Since you asked for opinions, I'd limit contact and prefer visits in my home or other places like the mall or a park.