Tips for in-laws moving in?

[MrsBasil]

My in-laws are moving in with us in a little over a month. This is a decision I'm mostly at peace about and I know it will have benefits for both families. They will have some time to plan a new route and get on their feet after a hard year(very hard year) and, if you remember my posts about sleep issues?, they are extremely willing to help out with my kids, the house, and errands or whatever I need to get some sleep.

 

It's temporary too, but the deadline is something we are reluctant to work out. They are thinking 3 months max and don't want to be a burden. DH and I think that's reasonable, but can extend through the end of the year if they need it.

 

I'm pretty sure that most of the people reading this are thinking "train wreck". :lol:

 

Still, I need to brainstorm ideas for things I haven't thought of.

 

They will have their own bedroom(s)/living space in the basement, but the kitchens will be shared and the bathrooms are public, but on the main floor. Renovations are not at all feasible.

 

They are relatively young, in their early 50s.

 

They will contributing to the rise in utility fees and food bills. All 3 of them(BIL is coming too) are good cooks and will be happy to have a rotation for cooking dinner.

 

What haven't I thought of? We're having a sit down tomorrow night to hash out boundaries on personal spaces, baby sitting requests, grocery shopping, food storage, work around the house, and so on.

 

2 of them are introverts(one extremely so) and one is an extrovert. They are all people pleasers. I am...not a people pleaser and not an introvert.

 

We all mostly get along, we made the offer to ask them to move in, and we're anticipating that this will go well. And hoping and praying for that.

 

Thoughts?

[Catwoman]

It sounds like you're covering all of the basics. All I can send you are some hugs, and the hope that everything will work out for you.

 

Just remember, though, that a couple in their early 50's is still young, but is also old enough to be set in their ways and to think they know a lot more than you know. (I'm 49, and I wouldn't want to live with me if I didn't have to, so I know what I'm talking about! ;)) I think the most important thing to address is that everyone needs their own private space, and that you don't expect to barge in on each other all the time, just because you're in the same house. Basically, I guess I mean that you should be sure to set some boundaries, unless you really like the idea of everyone sitting around your living room every night watching TV together.

 

I would set the 3 month limit, and then add to it if necessary after the 3 months are up and you know whether or not you're going to get along well. The last thing you want to do is tell them they can stay for up to a year, and find that after a month, you're already pulling your hair out and counting the minutes until they leave. You can always extend the deadline, but it's very awkward to shorten it.

 

I wish you all the best with this -- I'm sure you'll do just fine once you figure out a routine. :)

[Butter]

I'm not thinking train wreck. I'm thinking it sounds awesome and you are covering the important things. We've shared a house with my parents for 4 years and though we are getting ready to move they are planning to move in with us in TX in about a year.It's really been a mutually beneficial situation.

[MrsBasil]

Thanks for your encouragement and kind words!

 

There are things I'm excited about, like they know how to do a garden(that's how they used have most of their food-gardening, fishing, hunting, and raising chickens and cows), can things, MIL sews and these are all things they are excited to teach me.

 

They seem to be excited about living very near/with their grand kids(only grand kids they will ever have), getting a chance to really get to know me and spend more time with their son(up until last year we haven't lived in the same state since I was 17 and DH was 19) and being near family. Each of my in laws has 10+ siblings and haven't really lived near family in many years.

[Ottakee]

I would also look at the set up and try to set up some "white noise" type things to give you and dh some privacy as well as your in laws some privacy.........like not wanting their bedroom directly under yours :huh:

[Pippen]

We moved in with grandparents while my parents were working through their divorce. Lots of good in the arrangment, but it was stressful as well. The things that became issues were everyday sorts of routines that weren't anticipated...ie we were used to relaxing Saturdays and they were up-and-at-'em for Saturday work around the house types. They were used to quiet and we were anything but.

 

Hardest of all for us was feeling like we didn't have a home, but were living in someone else's. You're looking at shorter term though.

[Mama Geek]

One thing I would say is that there are conversations that you and dh should have in private, anything that you don't want additional advice on should not be brought up in front of anyone else. When your IL"s are talking to each other about decisions they have to make in front of you unless you are specifically asked do not get involved in the conversation.

 

That was a lesson I quickly learned after staying with my IL"s for a few months. My mil would have an opinion on everything and it was always about what would benefit her the most.

[brehon]

One thing I didn't see specifically mentioned was laundry. When my BIL lived in the apartment over dh's shop we worked out a laundry schedule.

 

Shower schedules - who likes to bathe in the morning v. the evening v. when you want the kids bathed (I'm on my phone and can't see your sig).

 

Talking w/the kids & impressing on them that they can't just go down to the basement to visit whenever they want (unless the grands and uncle have said they can).

 

I think if you are all open and honest about expectations and if everyone behaves like adults when the inevitable squabbles and misunderstandings happen, I think the arrangement could work.

[justamouse]

.

[Down_the_Rabbit_Hole]

Another thing, set up a 1st week meeting. There will be things that you all have not thought of but will crop up the first week. Sit down and discuss those things.

Having in laws living with you can work but the lines of communication need to stay open and easily offended feelings need to be put on the shelf.

[fairfarmhand]

I might mention whether or not you are comfortable with the others reprimanding your children.

 

Also, since you realize they are people pleasers you may want to mention that. "Hey, I know you love to smooth things over, but I'm not like that so much. Please don't take it personally if I am too direct. Also, if something crops up please say something to me! Don't just swallow annoyances."

[Cera]

There are bound to be rough spots but since you know the situation is temporary it shouldn't be too bad. I would go into it expecting them to need to stay for the full 8 months (through the end of the year) so that when it gets rough you can remind yourself that it is temporary and there is only xxx amount of time left. Then you can be pleasantly surprised if they move out earlier (or maybe disappointed depending on how it goes).

[Harriet Vane]

I am staying with my in-laws temporarily right now. Our lease ended and we were facing an out-of-state move, so it made sense to come here in-between.

 

We have had a solid, loving, very close and very friendly relationship for nearly two decades. It's going as well as can be expected, but it has been hard on all of us. I'll list our issues, but don't take it as whining, because I honestly love my in-laws, believe they are doing their absolute best to be kind and generous, and would not want to reflect overly negatively on them.

 

80% of our stuff is in rented storage.

 

Issues:

 

--Shared spaces. Mil perceives these as her space and cannot conceive of moving anything to accommodate our stuff. This is primarily a kitchen issue. Mil did not want to move literally anything in her cabinets to accommodate the extra stuff that comes with four extra people. It's just stuff like canned tuna or Worcestershire sauce, etc. On a humorous note, when dh saw how alarmed and unsettled his mom was with the stuff to be put away in the kitchen, he hid most of the stuff in other rooms throughout the house. He was so proud of himself for putting it all "away" and keeping the peace. The problem was that I didn't know where any of this stuff was!! It made for some crazy dinner prep for a few days. Finally we negotiated for a few shelves in the basement. It's crazy--to fix dinner (I cook every evening by mutual agreement) I have to load up a bin with stuff from the basement and carry it up, then put it all back down there when dinner is done. Mil's kitchen cabinets are literally half-empty but it was just too upsetting to her to have to move things, so this is what we do.

 

Bottom line on the kitchen and shared spaces--designate space for their stuff. There will be more than you think. Either be willing to rearrange your kitchen, or put a cabinet nearby that they can have. ALSO keep labeling supplies out and handy. If someone has leftovers that are only for them, label them. If an item is planned to be used for a specific meal, label it. Become obsessive about labeling. It keeps misunderstandings at bay.

 

--Our rooms vs their house--This is along the same lines as above. We have three rooms and a bathroom. Mil had a very, VERY difficult time understanding that the rooms would need to be clear. She thought we would just put our stuff around the things she had stored in the closets, for example. She didn't understand that if we bring in our own desks, there just is not room for the little decorative table with the figurines on it. It took the combined negotiation efforts of dh, me, and dh's sister to ease mil through the process of actually clearing the space. This house is very large, with a large storage space in the basement, but mil really struggled with the idea of moving things to accommodate us.

 

--Our rooms vs their house--We follow a strict policy of not leaving our stuff anywhere in the house but in our own rooms. For the homeowner, seeing other people's clutter is VERY stressful. I knew this going in, and also knew of Mil's struggles to move stuff to accommodate us, so from day one the rule has been that our stuff goes ONLY in our rooms, and is absolutely never, ever left in common areas.

 

--Supervision and correction--Mil supervises my cooking to make sure I don't break her precious glass-topped stove or ruin her things. She is ever present with helpful comments, and I literally hate it. She also tries to "help" with my laundry by re-sorting what I have sorted or checking to see if it is dry or pulling things out of the dryer that she thinks should drip-dry. This isn't mean or controlling on her part--she just doesn't realize that I am 40 years old, not a teenager, and don't need a mother's guidance on these things. I love mil very dearly and want to come out of this still friends, so I started getting up at 5:30am to do my laundry and as much dinner prep as possible before she is awake. I also literally hide my dirty laundry so she won't sort it or fuss over it.

 

Bottom line--Leave the kitchen alone when someone else is cooking. Don't offer each other helpful suggestions--with the other pressures of getting used to each other, the helpful suggestions will not be received kindly. Also have a clean-up schedule. No matter how you have kept house before, now that there are extra people, all of you should exert yourselves to keep the kitchen wiped and perfectly clean at all times--there is nothing more icky than staring at someone else's dirty dishes that have been left out way too long.

 

On the laundry--Have a strict policy about who uses it at what times, and have a strict policy to remove laundry IMMEDIATELY. Don't touch each others' laundry. If the machines are kept clear when not actually running, this will ease misunderstandings.

 

--Remember that having extra people ever-present is stressful on all of you. My poor fil found it really hard after about a week, though he bore our noise and our presence bravely and without complaint. Everyone should have an option for private space and private time. In our case, mil and fil have a different schedule than we do--they stay up late and sleep late, and so this means they eat meals at different times. They often join us for dinner, but there are some nights that they don't. No-one takes it personally. Much as you all love each other, you will get sick of each other--don't take it personally.

 

--Keep each other informed of schedule. It's just a courtesy.

[*Lulu*]

I just wanted to say I am really appreciating all the insight from those who have BTDT. We are in the process of combining households with my in-laws and want to be sure we've considered all the potential pitfalls before we finalize the moves.

 

(We are both selling our homes and moving into a new home together so maybe that will help avoid some of the my space/your stuff issues.)

 

 

Edited for typo

[momofkhm]

I would also look at the set up and try to set up some "white noise" type things to give you and dh some privacy as well as your in laws some privacy.........like not wanting their bedroom directly under yours :huh:

 

 

I agree with this. I have a friend whose mom lives with them. Mom's bedroom is right under theirs. I have wondered, out load about it and they say that Mom is half deaf and so they don't worry about it, but it is just weird.

[elfgivas]

dh and i retire to the "veranda" each evening when the weather is good, so that we have 15 minutes of alone time to chat about our days. we have found that when parents/in laws are present, we need to be intentional about having "just us" time. the same with our children. we build in "alone time" with each of the kids every day. we found it too easy to slip into having everyone around all the time, and its important for our kids to have a relationship with us that's different from what they have with other adults, however close they may be.

 

and it may be that you can start a sunday night dinner tradition, or a friday night drinks tradition, where you go over the week ahead so no one is blindsided, and go over the week past so that you can tweak things that aren't working.

 

the thing my mom and i did that saved our relationship was myers briggs. she was totally astonished to discover that there were other people like me (enfp's), and that many of our ways of doing things weren't "wrong", they were merely different. to her everlasting credit, this meant she was able to move from "she is so unorganised" to "she values spontaneity". we once travelled together for three weeks, where she booked places to stay every night. this made me nuts; what if we found something we wanted to spend extra time doing? so in talking it turned out that she worried about not having a place to lay her head, and i felt restricted and controlled. our solution was to book a place for each night, with the proviso that up until 3pm that day, we could find some other place to stay and cancel the reservation. it worked for both of us. that kind of thing would never have been possible without the language myers briggs gave us to discuss our differences. mom went on a hunt to try and reframe many of her negative impressions about the way i did things. it changed everything.

 

fwiw,

ann

[Veritaserum]

Some issues we had when my ILs lived with us:

• MIL thought any time was visiting time. She'd run up from the basement to our bedroom on the second floor at 10pm. By that time of night I was usually not dressed for visitors.
  
• I am a major introvert when it comes to how I use my home. I need LOTS of downtime. Because MIL popped in at whatever random moment she wanted to, I was constantly on edge. I couldn't relax in my own home.
  
• MIL interfered with the children when it was not requested. That was ok when the baby was screaming while I was making dinner or something, but it was not ok when, say, my 10yo was throwing a tantrum.
  
• MIL felt that it was her business to give input on decisions dh and I had to make as a couple even when she was not asked.
  
• Even though we provided them ample storage and living space (two people used 1/3 of our total square footage), they overflowed their area and put stuff in ours.
  
• I wish we had set a strict time frame. I kicked them out after three years. It was not the best way to handle the situation, but I was so DONE with the living situation that I really couldn't stand the thought of living in my own house anymore. Either they were moving out or I was.
  

When we lived with my parents (after our home sold and our new one wasn't ready yet):

• They gave us use of two bedrooms, but the bedrooms and closets were full of their stuff. It would have been more comfortable had they cleared those spaces more. We only lived with them for 3.5 months, so we didn't make a big deal over it, but it would have been nicer to have a bit more breathing room in "our" areas.
  
• We paid the entire utility bill as our "rent."
  
• We had an assigned laundry day. I knew that I had all day Wednesday to do all of our washing for the week.
  
• We had a little bit of an issue with my dad and food. He would instruct my children to eat everything on their plate. I let them stop when they are full and ask them to take smaller amounts with the option to have more if they are still hungry. I had to address that with him.
  
• There were times when we were all tired of each other. My parents are introverts like me, so we generally handled that by retreating to our respective bedrooms.
  

[Lisa in SC]

For three months, you should be fine if you already have a good relationship. Three months is about how long the "honeymoon" phase lasted when fil moved in with us. It will be five years this October, if I'm not mistaken. The issues we have had are:

 

* He expected me to wait on him hand and foot like mil did. We had to discuss that and adjust his expectations.

* He believes he has the right to verbally chastise the children as he sees fit. See above as to how we handled that.

* He expects breakfast at 6 a.m., lunch at noon, and dinner at 6 p.m. No exceptions. No deviations. Clearly he had never met me. Our compromise is that he does his own breakfast and lunch from bins I keep stocked in the refrigerator. For dinner, he can either fix himself something at six, or have a healthy snack to tide him over until I have dinner ready. Dh doesn't even get home from work until almost 7 most nights.

* I don't clean the house to his standards. It's perfectly clean. I just don't spend every waking moment in cleaning mode. Um, I'm sorry? No, I'm really not. ;)

 

Basically, there is only one right way to do things, and that's his way. He's the father of my dh, and I love him, but he is very difficult. Not that I'm a bed of roses. It doesn't sound like that will be the case in your situation, and it sounds as if you're doing a great job of communicating and setting boundaries in advance. I imagine it will go well. Just don't let the occasional minor upset throw you. Adding to the family always requires a bit of adjusting. :)

[Parrothead]

The biggest issue when we lived with dh's family is that I became the live in help. Have rules as to who cleans what when.

[Soror]

We lived with both of our parents after the house burned for about a month, that is all we could take. My biggest issue was interference with parenting, especially with the inlaws. At my mom's house it was a lack of space. We had one small 10x12 ish bedroom w/ a full size bed for all 4 of us and no bathroom of our own.

[Harriet Vane]

Some issues we had when my ILs lived with us:

• MIL thought any time was visiting time. She'd run up from the basement to our bedroom on the second floor at 10pm. By that time of night I was usually not dressed for visitors.

• I am a major introvert when it comes to how I use my home. I need LOTS of downtime. Because MIL popped in at whatever random moment she wanted to, I was constantly on edge. I couldn't relax in my own home.

• MIL interfered with the children when it was not requested. That was ok when the baby was screaming while I was making dinner or something, but it was not ok when, say, my 10yo was throwing a tantrum.

• MIL felt that it was her business to give input on decisions dh and I had to make as a couple even when she was not asked.

• Even though we provided them ample storage and living space (two people used 1/3 of our total square footage), they overflowed their area and put stuff in ours.

• I wish we had set a strict time frame. I kicked them out after three years. It was not the best way to handle the situation, but I was so DONE with the living situation that I really couldn't stand the thought of living in my own house anymore. Either they were moving out or I was.

 

When we lived with my parents (after our home sold and our new one wasn't ready yet):

• They gave us use of two bedrooms, but the bedrooms and closets were full of their stuff. It would have been more comfortable had they cleared those spaces more. We only lived with them for 3.5 months, so we didn't make a big deal over it, but it would have been nicer to have a bit more breathing room in "our" areas.

• We paid the entire utility bill as our "rent."

• We had an assigned laundry day. I knew that I had all day Wednesday to do all of our washing for the week.

• We had a little bit of an issue with my dad and food. He would instruct my children to eat everything on their plate. I let them stop when they are full and ask them to take smaller amounts with the option to have more if they are still hungry. I had to address that with him.

• There were times when we were all tired of each other. My parents are introverts like me, so we generally handled that by retreating to our respective bedrooms.

 

 

 

I highlighted those things that particularly resonated with me.

 

I too am introverted, so the constant interaction is hard on me. Mil is an extrovert and is delighted to have so many people to chat with throughout the day. I either shut my bedroom door or physically leave the house to get alone time. It's a bit of a strain, but I don't hold them responsible for it. It's just a personality difference--we all love each other regardless.

 

With food, my in-laws eat much differently than us. My kids are old enough that I have been able to simply assert our food rules privately with them and they respect those rules. ("We are not having a big junk-food-fest while at Grandma's house. If you want a snack just clear it with me first.") I have not addressed this with the in-laws because I don't want to hurt their feelings and because my kids have been trustworthy so far.

 

On the clearing of the rooms--what is up with that? I was flabbergasted that mil didn't want to clear the rooms, and mil was flabbergasted that I wanted it done. I have no idea where they expect us to actually put our stuff??? I would gladly have cleared the room myself or helped her, but she was so thrown by the idea that the room should be clear. Even with almost all our possessions in a POD, we still have clothes to hang in the closets and schoolbooks. Just commiserating with you on that one. I'm still mystified.

[Veritaserum]

We had almost of all of our belongings stored in storage units. We literally only brought clothes, books, a handful of toys, and a computer.

 

I forgot some things:

 

*MIL would be "helpful" and move around my stuff without asking. One day I spent an hour rearranging the furniture in the family room until I had it the way I wanted it. When I came home she had moved it all around! She did similar things in other parts of the house. Drove me NUTS.

 

*We bought food when we lived with my parents and I did some of the cooking.

[MrsBasil]

I am browsing on my phone and will come back later to really type, but thank you all!

 

We are clearing out the whole basement for them, so there's a bedroom, large-ish living area, walk in closet that could be a small nursery, and a mechanical room, so I am hoping they feel it's their space. We have no need or plans to be down there unless they ask or want the kids down there. Ideally they can visit upstairs on the main floor and have some sense of privacy, albeit a little less then they are used to. My family's bedrooms are on the second floor.

[Maplecat]

My parents lived with us for a year while their house was being built and we really enjoyed it. Things that made it easier on us was figuring out a laundry schedule, having an extra fridge, and having our "own" living room. My kids loved seeing so much of their grandparents and having more adults around made it easier for me to run errands without kids. Best of luck to you.

[fairfarmhand]

 

 

On the clearing of the rooms--what is up with that? I was flabbergasted that mil didn't want to clear the rooms, and mil was flabbergasted that I wanted it done. I have no idea where they expect us to actually put our stuff??? I would gladly have cleared the room myself or helped her, but she was so thrown by the idea that the room should be clear. Even with almost all our possessions in a POD, we still have clothes to hang in the closets and schoolbooks. Just commiserating with you on that one. I'm still mystified.

 

She probably thought it would be like when someone visited for a week or so. A few hangers in the closet, etc. is all that is needed when a short visit happens. When someone;s living someplace you just need more space.

 

I can see my mil having the same thought processes.

[Butter]

Really looking at your personalities may really help. My parents are extremely laid back and so are Ian and I. My mom fully admits it would not be so smooth with either of her other two kids and their families. In fact, my sister can't figure out how we can do it at all. She freely admits she is type A all the way and needs her space nd privacy.

 

We've not had to discuss who does laundry when or anything like that. We do laundry when we need to and if there's a load that need to be moved to the dryer or brought up from the basement, we do even if it's not our own laundry. When I had pneumonia my mom automatically did my family's laundry (some, Ian did some, too). When she's sick I've done my parents' laundry. It's just plain not an issue for us. Neither is cleaning and cooking. We often do both together (me and my mom).

 

As for disciplining your children, that is something you definitely need to decide up front. What are you comfortable with them doing? At this point in my mothering career, I'll take all the help I can get (from my parents). They are still very hands off, but will step in when necessary and especially Rory responds way better to my dad than anyone else. When Melody and Wil were little, I would not have been so fine with my parents disciplining my kids, especially in front of me.

 

Just make sure you have open lines of communication from the start. Living with my parents has been wonderful for all of us. I wouldn't trade our living situation for anything. My prents (and my husband and I) are already dreading the "see you later" that will happen next month when we move. We are all looking forward to when we'll be one household again next year (my dad is completely retiring in December, otherwise they would move with us).

[freesia]

The biggest issue when we lived with dh's family is that I became the live in help. Have rules as to who cleans what when.

This. We moved in with MIL for what turned out to be 7 months. SIL/BIL were suppose to have moved out by the time we moved in. They hadn't. While I had told MIL I would handle the housework as a thank you, I hadn't intended that to include SIL/BIL. We should have readjusted. If they share the bathrooms/kitchen, they all need to be on the cleaning rota.

 

My MIL hates the sound of children running over her head. Make sure that they are clear that your children will run and play in their own home. If it becomes a problem, compromise with quiet hours or something. I underdisciplined my 2 year old in order to keep quiet for the BIL who worked nights. It was a hard road when we moved. I was also stressed about the noise my kids made. That was not healthy (particularly as BIL was not suppose to still be there).

 

Be firm about not letting them correct your children when you are present.

 

Make sure "private"spaces are protected.

 

Start as you mean to go. Don't treat them like guest the first week.

 

It was not a train wreck but was more stressful than I wanted. Some of that was the circumstances--we moved from Canada after the death of both our dads, without a job, in the winter to a place that I had no friends (and was in the country--I am a city girl). Some was the stress of merging 2 (3!) intact family units and ways of doing things. Everyone was gracious, though and we are still all friends (well except BIL and SIL who divorced--but not bc of us!)