Can we talk about "fairness" and siblings?

[Sue G in PA]

Okay, let me explain this a bit. My dc seem to have a really big issue with fairness. Everytime one child gets to go to a friends house and they don't go..."It's not FAIR!". If one child gets to stay up later than another (an older child vs. a younger child)..."It's not FAIR". If one child spends the night at a friend's house...you get the picture. Everything is not fair around here, according to my dc. I'm.so.sick.of.it! We don't cater to this and cut it off as soon as we hear it. But, I'm wondering...how do you teach fairness and explain it in situations like this? We always tell them they are different children and are given different opportunities. It's not about fairness, but simple differences. Our oldest SHOULD have more priveleges simply b/c of her age AND b/c she helps out a TON at home, usually w/ a good attitude. Our oldest SHOULD have a later bedtime if she wanted it (she doesn't btw). Okay, any suggestions on how to handle this or explanations of how YOU handle it? Thanks!

[Pamela H in Texas]

simple "life's not fair." And NEVER cater to it. This is one time I'd be tempted to levy a consequence (after a simple all-together-2minute-discussion) because I'd go nuts hearing 6 kids carrying on about that. My main thing, though you've heard it before, would be to have them "blessing" one another. You're just not thinking of being wronged if you're looking for ways to be extra kind to someone else.

 

BTW, have you read Siblings Without Rivalry? That is one book mentioned a lot on here and the people who manage to get it and read it find some great stuff to use.

[nakitty]

It makes me grouchy...so I am in the, "life is not fair....get used to it." camp...:glare:

 

Really, though...it is just something you learn as you get older... school of hard knocks and all that.... I try to be as fair as possible...but the simple fact is...life ISN'T fair...at least not all of the time....so, it IS something you need to learn to accept...get over...and move on from....

[Dayle in Guatemala]

Life isn't fair. That's true! It's good for them to learn that now.

 

Another thing that helps us is to explain to them that with privilege comes responsibility. In other words, because dd13 takes on a lot of responsibility around the house and helps out without being asked a lot, she will naturally get more privilege because we can trust her with it. She's shown she's mature enough to handle the privileges.

 

If the others want more privileges, they could prove they can handle it well by taking on responsibility, too.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I would be inclined to stop all special activities for anyone who whined about wanting things to be fair - after all, why should they be the recipient of any unfair advantage?! (But I'm mean that way. . .):auto:

[Sue G in PA]

simple "life's not fair." And NEVER cater to it. This is one time I'd be tempted to levy a consequence (after a simple all-together-2minute-discussion) because I'd go nuts hearing 6 kids carrying on about that. My main thing, though you've heard it before, would be to have them "blessing" one another. You're just not thinking of being wronged if you're looking for ways to be extra kind to someone else.

 

BTW, have you read Siblings Without Rivalry? That is one book mentioned a lot on here and the people who manage to get it and read it find some great stuff to use.

 

I have read that book. Very good and it has helped us a lot around here. I'm still implementing a lot of the strategies, but it is working. My favorite phrase around here re: fairness is "Life's not fair, get used to it now and you won't be disappointed later." My dh HATES that phrase b/c he thinks I'm being pessimistic. Nope. Just realistic. I like the blessing idea. Any suggestions on how to implement such a thing? Thanks.

[Remudamom]

I'm adding to the life isn't fair camp. We also bring up coveteouness. If a sibling gets/does something then the others are to be happy for them, and if they aren't some serious heart searching needs to happen.

 

Our boys miss out every year on the girl trip to see my family. They stay home and work with dad. I've never heard them complain about the girls vacationing, eating out, seeing cousins etc. For now that's how it is.

[Mom2legomaniacs]

Along with what the others have said, we will bring up ways that the other one is treated and tell them we would have to do that with them too. It is not something that that one won't like. We tell them that if all were exactly fair, we would have to (fill in the blank) with you just like we do with them. They usually get that pretty well.

[Susan in TN]

We always tell them they are different children and are given different opportunities. It's not about fairness, but simple differences.

 

You're right, it's not a fairness issue. Fair doesn't necessarily mean equal. I tend to avoid the "life isn't fair" montra, because we are supposed to be concerned with "true" fairness and not be hard hearted. But you may simply need to probe them further and ask why they feel it's not fair. "because she gets to go and I don't"...and why isn't that fair? She was invited to her friends house. With little ones, it's probably pointless because they likely don't have the reasoning skills to get beyond their emotional reaction, but you may be able to find a reasonable response that they will eventually come to expect and understand.

 

To give you a scary anectdotal example of what happens when parents are obsessed with being "fair": When my dh was growing up, his parents were very particular about making everything "equal" with the 4 siblings in an attempt to avoid jealousy. At the very least an equal number of presents and equal $ spent was guaranteed. Even when they were older, every child received an electrolux vacuum as an engagement present. The wedding present was a set of china and silver. It didn't matter if they could afford it or not. You know what it produced? Adult "Children" who constantly cried and complained if "Jim" was given financial help in a time of crisis, and "Pete" wasn't given the same. Or one grandchild got more attention or a "more special" gift than another. Absolutely pathetic.

 

Fortunately, dh (the youngest) had the good sense to leave those issues behind when he left home for college. He heard enough silliness from the rest of his family to make him realize the foolishness of it all.

 

I want to add my recommendation for the Siblings Without Rivalry book. It won't make all the issues disappear magically, but may help in being able to help your children put their disappointment into words and move on.

[Sue G in PA]

Yes, covetousness. That "green-eyed monster" called jealousy has been running rampant around here lately and getting worse every day. It's a tough thing even for us adults to handle. But, my kids have been horrible lately when it comes to coveting. How do you teach someone to be grateful and content? That's a heart issue. My boys, for instance met a new little boy last week (the brother of my dd's friend). This kid had lots and lots of Star Wars stuff. My ds10 gets the nifty idea to "trade" Star Wars stuff. Ds10 (my lawyer) gets this little boy (7yo) to "trade" a star wars figure for a huge Star Wars SHIP! :001_huh: I said absolutely not. I explained how it all stemmed from a covetous heart. He wanted what the little guy had. Heck, *I* wanted what this whole family had (gorgeous home, pool, landscaped backyard, 2 swingsets, movie-theater in basement, etc.). BUT, I did my very best to model a grateful and content heart and I think I did a good job. So, how to rid them of that green-eyed monster...:confused:

[Sunkirst]

Altho on a smaller scale, as I have only 3. :)

 

A friend recently recommended a book, Setting Limits for the Strong Willed Child. I found it a great book - for all children, and it has changed my parenting style for the better (for going on 2 months now - Yay!).

 

The book will give you much more detail, but the general idea is:

To start before you get angry.

To communicate what you expect clearly and without anger (ei: "I don't want to hear anyone complain that things aren't fair - ever again").

To state a logical consequence for misbehavior ("Anytime one of you complains that things aren't fair you will have a 10 minute time out to think of all the blessings you enjoy).

To follow through with total consistency (to the extent of time outs at friend's houses, out shopping, at Grandparent's house...)

 

The whole goal is not get into your old patterns of reacting in anger and frustration. I have a hot temper, and this is really helping me cool down and achieve positive results.

 

Good Luck!

[ticklbee]

I really hate the "it's not fair" whine. Really. What might work is this:

 

"Oh, you think XXX is unfair? It's not unfair because of XXX. But I will show you what unfairness is. When everyone has dessert, you may not have any (or watch a tv show, or play a game...whatever you can come up with.) Now do you see the difference? Next time, think before you complain."

 

What this will (hopefully) do is put things into perspective. Now the first thing doesn't seem so unfair anymore.

[Susan in TX]

When my children complain that it's not fair that one of them gets to do something special like go to a friend's house and they don't, I just matter of factly say "yep, it's not fair" and leave it at that. If they carry on about it they get sent to their room until they can stop.

 

I will often do something special with the kids that are left at home when one gets to go do something special. It's usually nothing more that getting ice cream for dessert...but it helps them feel like they are doing something fun too. The funny thing is often the child who got to do something *really* fun finds out that their siblings had ice cream and they didn't and will say "That's not fair!". I gently point out that it is fair because they got to do XYZ and their siblings didn't...anyway, it just goes to show that kids will always find something that isn't fair.

 

Susan in TX

[Sasharowan]

I hear the same things here. I will watch for ideas from the hive. Just wanted to let you know your not alone.

[mktkcb]

I agree with most of the others, ie, don't put up with it, consequences etc. On the semi rare occasions that mine try this ploy, I love to point out how right they are......"yes honey, life IS unfair......oh, by the way are you enjoying good health today???? You are?, well down at Children's hospital there are a whole bunch of kids who aren't. You're right, life's not very fair. Maybe you'd feel like it was fairer if you were down there too. Oh, and remember when I let you do xyz when everyone else was away? Yep, that wasn't very fair either." I can go on and on pointing out all the unfair good things they enjoy LOL! I always tell them that life is never fair, but this time is unfair in *****'s favor. When I get the whiny "how come ****** got xyz and I didn't??", I just smile and say "because I MUST love him/her more than you". They get a laugh, and they get the point. At least mine laugh because they've heard it before. The first time you try it, it sort of makes them stop and think. Anyway, hope you've gotten some ideas.

Kayleen

[sandellie4]

Yes, that's what we do -- life's not fair; it says right there, in my mommy contract, that I'm supposed to let you know that. Also, when we took a look at our own actions, we realized, as parents, that we were perpetuating it. For Christmas, many of the gifts were essentially the same, maybe different colors, but pretty much the same. If one kid was going to do something really fun, why, we'd take the others bowling because I felt bad for them or just didn't want to face the whining (especially the younger ones).

 

Another thing we do with gifts, in an effort to help them think outside of themselves just a little, is encourage them to make just the "perfect gift" for one of their siblings for Christmas, birthday, whatever. My 13 yo made a calendar for her brother, taking pictures of things HE likes, and was so excited waiting for his birthday. She could hardly wait to see how pleased he'd be. He tried to bail and just buy her a chain for her birthday, but we helped him think it through and he ended up choosing more creatively. It was important for both of them to think about each other as individuals.

 

It's not all loverly now, but it's better, and I'm not all stressed out trying to make sure that everything is the "same" for everyone.

 

Sandy

[Amy in NH]

You're right, it's not a fairness issue. Fair doesn't necessarily mean equal.

 

That's right. I tell my children that "fair" does not mean equal, it means that everyone gets what they *need* when they need it. Now that they understand, they don't complain when it's another person's turn for xyz.

[Tracey in TX]

It's not fair that we have to deal with this!!! :)

 

I feel your pain. We went through several years of this fairness issue. We have one DS who is involved in every sport, lots of play dates (3 in a day, sometimes) much to the dismay of his sibs. DD complained most about the lack of fairness. I told her life is cyclical. Sometimes things work to your advantage and you're on top of the world. Other times we go through a 'dry spell' and feels like everyone has it better. That time will end and a better cycle will take over.

 

Hope you get some peace soon. That topic stresses me out b/c there is no magical formula to make it better--just time and patience.

[Susan in TX]

It's not fair that we have to deal with this!!! :)

 

 

Yeah! Sometimes, when I get really exasperated, I'll actually tell my children, "What's really not fair is that I have to listen to your whining!" That usually shuts them up. This works especially well with my 11yob.

 

Susan in TX

[Rosie_0801]

I remember my life improved a great deal when I realised life wasn't fair :) It's a lot less work when you stop aiming for the impossible. Feeling a bit Mrs Piggle-Wiggle here, have you tried whining at them about all the ways your life isn't fair? I'll bet your list is longer.

:)

Rosie

[Mamasteff]

Fair is a skin tone...

Fair is just average, and we wouldn't want our sister to have just average fun, would we?

No, you're right, she isn't going to the fair, she is going to... (her friend's house, swimming, camping, etc.)

 

I really really like ticklbees' semi-harsh object lesson of what is REALLY unfair.

Are any of the whiners old enough to discuss realistically what they would perceive as "fair"? (big sis going to a friend's house; what would be FAIR would be for every kid to get to go to a friend's house at the same time. Is this really very likely? No.)

[Aubrey]

When they cry, "It's not fair!"--they're thinking of themselves. The RULE here is to think of ea other before you think of yourselves. Siblings come first, no matter what. They are there to be your best, life-long friends, to last longer than mom & dad, even. They are a treasure, a reward, & they're to be treated as such, because they CAN be lost.

 

So if you're glad for the other's gain & you seek that *primarily* over your own gain, you. will. be. happy.

 

As far as what ea one gets, they get what they need. You don't ask for something *just* because someone else gets it, i.e., "G had a pear." Me: "So?" J: "So, can I have one, too?" LOL

 

At the same time, though, we do try to evaluate from time to time to make sure things are appropriately fair, iykwim. "Life's not fair" is true enough, but I think we cope w/ that best when we know that the people who love us are at least *seeking* to be fair, kwim?

 

You might try talking to your dc about it, too. See what it is they're concerned about & ask *them* for suggestions to make things more "fair." Sometimes I think this kind of conversation helps them to see *our* side of the problem & have more...understanding. Otoh, sometimes they want something reasonable & have simply expressed it very immaturely. In the latter case, *teaching* them better communication can go a long way. I hope!

[Melissa B]

Our phrase is a bit longer - Life isn't about fairness. Life is about love, respect and happiness towards ourselves and those we love. My kids will repeat this to each other. It is usually only the little ones that question fairness.

I will quickly turn around a - That's not fair. Asking the child if she loves (sibling) and if there is some reason she would be taking away from (said sibling's) happiness or earned priviledge? We would consider a statement of unfairness to be disrespectful to both the sibling and the parent. We would deal with the child's poor attitude, but would never feel a need to address the "fairness" issue at all. We would not punish a child for such a statement, but we would be quick to verbally share our disappointment in and disapproval of such an attitude.

[Lizzie in Ma]

Okay, let me explain this a bit. My dc seem to have a really big issue with fairness. Everytime one child gets to go to a friends house and they don't go..."It's not FAIR!". If one child gets to stay up later than another (an older child vs. a younger child)..."It's not FAIR". If one child spends the night at a friend's house...you get the picture. Everything is not fair around here, according to my dc. I'm.so.sick.of.it! We don't cater to this and cut it off as soon as we hear it. But, I'm wondering...how do you teach fairness and explain it in situations like this? We always tell them they are different children and are given different opportunities. It's not about fairness, but simple differences. Our oldest SHOULD have more privileges simply b/c of her age AND b/c she helps out a TON at home, usually w/ a good attitude. Our oldest SHOULD have a later bedtime if she wanted it (she doesn't btw). Okay, any suggestions on how to handle this or explanations of how YOU handle it? Thanks!

 

We very occasionally hear it but our tact has always been that life is not fair and it isn't going to be. Just the way it is. Not up for discussion. Period.

 

And you are absolutely dead on about the older one having more privileges due to age, level of helpfulness etc. That is the way it should be. Our little one may not like it and I am apt to give her some grace when she is upset about something her older sister gets to do because it isn't fair but that is the way it is.

 

Our older one is very kind to her sister and makes her promises to spend "sister time" with her after an overnight or something she gets to do and that helps. Or she will come help tuck her sister in bed so she feels special too.

 

Hang in there, stick to your guns and mean what you say. They are smart kids, they'll figure it out.

[FriedClams]

We've been dealing with this with DS, 5, since DD has gotten to have a lot of fun events lately. In addition to the "life isn't fair, get over it" camp that I am in, we also discuss Romans 12:15 "Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep." I emphasize to the kids that we need to rejoice with others and think less of ourselves - to enjoy the happiness of seeing a friend succeed or have a special time. It's really helped a lot with the kids attitudes.