Please help me; I need a way to get my dss to put away his laundry.

[*********]

Ok, a little back info.

 

At his mom's house, dss is totally responsible for his own laundry. Here at dad's, I do all the laundry. It's just the system that works best for our family, and that's not the issue.

 

So here's where I'm at with dss. Any of his laundry that's in the hamper gets washed, dried, and folded with everyone else's laundry.( It is completely his responsibility to get his dirty laundry in the hamper. Usually, he lets it all pile up on his floor for days at a time before bothering to take it to the hamper. Whatever, they're his clothes.) Anyway, then I take his stack of folded,clean laundry and put it on his bed. All he has to do is put it away. Except, he doesn't. He will leave the clean, folded clothes on his bed for DAYS. He sleeps on them, sits on them, whatever. If the stack of clothes is big and in his way on the bed, he will throw them on the floor. You know, the same floor that his dirty clothes go on. He's been doing this for MONTHS now. Ever since I stopped putting his clothes away for him. Yes, he was spoiled. Yes, I told him that I wasn't putting his clothes away anymore, not because he did anything wrong, but because even his 7 and 9 year old brothers put their own clothes away. I've been patient. I've reminded him at least a dozen times now to put his clean clothes away, not on the floor or slept on. I've explained that it makes me feel unappreciated when he can't even bother to put the clothes that I cleaned for him away. I also explained that I'm tired of cleaning clothes that I know he didn't even wear; they were clean, he threw them on the floor with his dirty clothes, then they get put back in the hamper eventually. I've been calm, no yelling, not even any consequences. I'm totally for giving kids lots of chances to develop a new habit/adjust to a new rule. What I want him to do is this: if there are any clean clothes on his bed, they need to be put away before bedtime. That solves the problem super easy. He says he will put his clean clothes away. But he doesn't.

 

I'm done. Like I said, this has been going on for months now. I need a plan that will get the boy to put away his clothes.

 

I realize the obvious solution is to just make him fully responsible for his own clothes, start to finish. But I'm not crazy about that idea, since I forsee it being even more inconvenient for me for him to be using my washer and dryer. I just don't want to have to do that. I mean, I WILL, if I have to. But I'd like some other ideas to try first. Not to mention, he will try to run the washer or dryer at like 1am, or when someone's in the shower, or some other crazy thing. Then I'll have to make rules about when he does his laundry. It just seems silly and a way more complicated way to solve the problem.

 

If you've read this saga, thank you. :D And if you have any suggestions, I'm all ears. I've explained the situation to dh; he has no suggestions. I do not care to expound on that, just explaining why I'm handling this by myself.

[gingersmom]

My daughter has been known to do the same thing (leave clean laundry out, throw on floor, etc).

 

The rule is dirty laundry has to be in a certain spot and if its not there it does not get washed. She has gotten stuck many times without being able to find what she wants to wear because it is in a pile on her floor.

 

For me personally, it is what it is and I am saving the arguments for more important things.

[Catwoman]

Bethany, you've got so much stress and worry right now because of your dad's health. :grouphug: Are you sure it wouldn't be easier to just stick the kid's clean clothes in a box on the floor or folded on a chair, or whatever (instead of on his bed) and let him do whatever he wants with them?

 

I know it's not a great solution, but I hate to see you upset over something like this. If the kid doesn't want to put his clothes away and you don't want to do it for him, just put the clean clothes someplace where they won't be slept on or sat on, and call it a day.

[CupOCoffee]

Could you give him a basket to put his clean clothes in? Then, you wouldn't be rewashing clothes that got tossed on the floor with other dirty stuff. Just put his pile of clean stuff in a basket and put it in his room. Up to him what he does with that basket. Clothes is not hill I would choose to die on with a 15 year old.

 

OR: make it like it is at his Mom's. Are you sure he would run the washer and dryer at crazy time? And what would be wrong with telling him "your wash day(s) are thus and such, and you must be done by _____ time; and make sure no one is in the shower when you run it. He's 15, he already does it at his Mom's house -- not that complicated.

 

~coffee~

 

EDIT: now I can prove that Cat and I think alike; posting same thing at same time; she must type faster than me....

[LJPPKGFGSC]

Bethany,

 

First, let me commiserate with you. I have a 22 year old step son, and the trauma of his teen years is finally over and (somewhat) forgotten.

 

In any case, I too, struggled with his laundry. And, I tried everything that I could think of to get my stepson to pick up his own clothing and put it in a laundry basket. That is all I wanted him to do. He never (as a teenager) managed to do that. It turned into such a fight that it became a huge deal when he was in high school - much bigger than it should have been. And, truthfully, looking back, I probably over-reacted.

 

I agree that it would be more trouble than it is worth to train him to use your laundry room without disrupting your system. It is hard enough to train teenagers who live with you every day. What if you get him some large laundry baskets and stack his clean laundry inside? And leave it in the laundry room for him to get, or not get. He will probably be happy to dig through and get what he wants. I do that with my son, who lives here all the time! Sometimes a "clean" basket gets dirty stuff on top. I wash what seems dirty and ignore what seems clean. Honestly, teenage boys do not care what they look like (or smell like). And, when they do, they learn to use the washing machine pretty quickly!

 

I hope that helps!

[Catwoman]

EDIT: now I can prove that Cat and I think alike; posting same thing at same time; she must type faster than me....

 

:D :D :D :D

[Parrothead]

How often is he at your house? If he is there on laundry day hand him his clothes and watch him put them away. If he doesn't there needs to be a consequence of some type. If he isn't there on laundry day, make it his first priority to put away the clothes on his bed when he arrives.

[zoobie]

Put his clean, unfolded clothes in his own laundry basket in his room.

 

Does he get an allowance? Charge him for unnecessary laundry service.

[Cera]

I would buy him a laundry basket and put his clean clothes in that. Don't bother to fold them. He can then fold and put away, leave in the basket or take out and pile how ever he chooses.

[LJPPKGFGSC]

Bethany,

 

I was reading some of your old post, to gather more info on your stepson. You mentioned in one about "picking your battles". Please believe me, laundry is not a battle to pick with your stepson.

 

If you have a bit of his heart when he is an adult, then you have won the "war", no matter how many of the "battles" you might have lost.

[Oak Knoll Mom]

Does he get an allowance? Put it in the bottom of his laundry basket. He gets to keep it if he has put the clothes away on his own. He has to give it back if he doesn't (and then he still has to put the clothes away while you supervise.)

[Remudamom]

Clothes are put up before you eat. Or you don't eat.

[*********]

Thanks for the ideas, and the reminders to pick my battles.

 

I think I'm just gonna get the boy a laundry basket for the clean clothes. If for some reason that still doesn't work, I'm going with Remudamom. The boy DOES like to eat, LOL.

[Celia]

I do the eating thing here. I fold and sort clothes on the couch. And then when dinner's on the table, no kid eats until the couch is cleared and all is in drawers. It happens very fast....no one likes cold food!

[StephanieZ]

Buy a couple new laundry baskets (they're easier to carry than boxes), and when you have clean laundry for him, just put it folded in the basket, carry it up, put it on the floor.

 

There is no way to win this battle with a teen step child. You have much bigger worries, this is SMALL POTATOES. You don't mind doing the work. Buy a couple baskets (two, so if one is still full of clean clothes from last week, you can carry another basket up, then pile the NEW clean on top of the old clean, so you still have a "dss basket" to carry back down to your laundry space for next time.)

 

Yes, he will live out of the baskets, and he won't use his closet or drawers as he should. So what. He could be hiding a crack pipe in the underwear drawer, or, or, or . . . so many bigger worries.

 

I can't imagine how hard parenting step kids must be, but I have been the step-kid, and I saw the conflict with the step-parent contribute quite directly to the dissolution of that marriage.

 

I can't imagine how hard it would be, but I think the only way to win this battle is to give it up. Evade it. Buy some baskets. Put the clothes there. If you have to buy more baskets, do so.

 

(((hugs)))

[Spryte]

:grouphug: I'm glad you found a solution. The laundry baskets are a great idea.

 

Just wanted to pop in and say that the teen years do go quickly. My DSS is a 20 something now, and looking back - I wish I had let more of the battles slide, as they simply were not worth it. I loved what a PP said about having a piece of their hearts when they are adults being the best outcome.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

Could you just do it with him? If it's already folded, it'll take less than 5 minutes with both of you. Then you move to a quick chat while he does it alone, then you can hand him the laundry while thanking him for putting it away.

 

This is how i taught ds. Most of his clothes hang, so he does socks, undies, and pjs, while I'm putting other stuff on hangers, then he hangs the shirts and i do the pants. Dd's clothes are limited until she can put the dirty stuff in the washer consistently.

[Scarlett]

Bethany I feel your pain. I have two step sons, only one of which comes to visit. He is almost 12. At his moms house he does his own laundry. I do all the Iaundry here. I actually really enjoy laundry. Boys turn really smelly at this age though and BOTH boys (my ds and dss) have this bad habit of putting their socks and jeans int the hamper all wadded up. Drives me bonkers. I have been calling them both to the laundry room and making them unwad their stuff before I wash. Trouble is dss is not here most of the time so I often come across his stuff when he has left.

 

I agree that step kid issues can unravel a marriage and I don't want to go there....I have a hard time knowing what to complain about because dh will back me up but it is his kid and I don't want to constantly be complaining. I want this to be a pleasant home for him. Step parenting isn't for sissies.

[Ellie]

:grouphug:

 

Well, maybe his father should be dealing with this instead of you, and whatever they come up between them is...whatever they come up with between them, although I would hope that his father would require him to put away his clothes as a model for his younger siblings, KWIM?

[TammyS]

How about just send his clothes back home with him and let him deal with it? You can buy him one of those mesh laundry bags that have a carrying handle. They are very popular with college students.

[Wildcat]

.

[LostSurprise]

Their minds do not work the way ours works. We have completely different motivations and goals. Don't take it personally.

 

Laundry is of no importance so he doesn't notice it. Its not that he doesn't respect you or that he means to forget. It just has no internal logic or motivation for him. It has no hold on his mind.

 

I remember driving my mother crazy with stuff like this. She'd ask me to do something. The need for autonomy meant that I didn't feel like doing it and would put it off, so I'd forget but be defensive about it.

 

My oldest does not take teaching well. He's a nice but stubbornly self-directed personality. Frankly, it was easier to fold it and put it in a laundry basket. He rarely put it away. I thought about selling his dresser. :glare: He also leaves the dirty laundry all over the floor unless he runs out or I force him to pick it up. The easiest solution was to assign him a laundry day. He washes his laundry on Saturdays while he's cleaning his room. Emergency washes off his designated day do happen, but he knows that if something else is going on he gets bumped and the laundry gets stuck in a wet pile in the tub. Once that happened a few times he got himself into gear. He could understand that other people do things and he had to work around it.

 

Creating a situation which encourages self-motivation and understanding is better than reminding, forcing, or trying to make them feel guilty. You have to break through their passive understanding. Sometimes that kind of teaching is inconvenient to us, but its better for them in the long run.