my son is socially awkward

[MarigoldHS]

I want to say upfront that I know it's a myth that home school kids don't have social skills.

I just need a little feedback from some experienced home schoolers. Right now my kids go to school and next year I want very badly to home school them. However, I am having some reservations about homeschooling my son. He is seven years old, and while he likes his school very much, he has a hard time making friends. I have always anticipated that this would be a problem for him. He is very precocious and his interests are quite unusual for a little boy. He can be very intense and rigid and impatient, especially when trying to play. Anyway, my concern with homeschooling is that if he wasn't in school, his social awkwardness would get worse. It seems that by staying in school, he would be forced to face those challenges on a daily basis and I don't want to deprive him of the opportunity to work these things out.

But again, I know that home school kids do just fine socially. I just worry b/c my son is already so unique and already struggles wit this. Its like he's behind the ball. I hope that makes sense.

any thoughts would be greatly appreciated!

[Arcadia]

If you can afford it, I would look for activities outside school to work on his social skills. My older was in B&M for K and 1st grade. While he did not have problems making friends he has other "social issues" that being in B&M does not solve. Outside classes where the teacher and the environment were a better fit help alot.

[Amy in NH]

my concern with homeschooling is that if he wasn't in school, his social awkwardness would get worse. It seems that by staying in school, he would be forced to face those challenges on a daily basis and I don't want to deprive him of the opportunity to work these things out.

 

 

If he stays in school his social awkwardness could get worse. Those challenges often prove to be too much for some kids. I'd be willing to bet that socially-awkward kids are more likely to be the school-shooting and teen-suicide types than socially-savvy kids. FWIW, I was a socially awkward kid in school. School didn't fix it. As a teen I turned to drugs and alcohol to deal with it, and derailed my life.

 

Some of my homeschooled kids are socially awkward, and others aren't. It's about innate personality more than school choice. IMO, homeschoolers are more likely to feel accepted by their classmates in spite of it. My socially awkward kids have been able to find other nice precocious socially-awkward homeschooled kids to befriend.

 

Better to have him in a situation where you can closely guide him until he has a handle on it?

 

ETA: It can be difficult to find just the right outside activities that allow the kinds of social interaction that will create lasting friendships.

[Nscribe]

Anyway, my concern with homeschooling is that if he wasn't in school, his social awkwardness would get worse. It seems that by staying in school, he would be forced to face those challenges on a daily basis and I don't want to deprive him of the opportunity to work these things out.

 

 

Whether he stays in school going forward or you decide to homeschool, you recognize something needs to be done. I would have to ask myself if I had seen "improvement" over the time he has been in school already? If not, then simply being around others and observing their interactions is not teaching him. Some kids really miss social cues that help them to regulate and modify their behavior to fit. They could be surrounded with examples, but not see the picture. They just don't see a cause and effect to their behavior and the response it generates compared. They don't see or learn from the observable experiences of others.

 

If he is missing these social cues, he will need guidance. If he recognizes them but chooses to ignore them, he will need guidance.

 

If something a child is doing/not doing is causing dysfunction for them and doesn't feel right to Mom, it deserves to be looked into a bit.

 

How much feedback and support are the adults in the school providing? Do you think it is something that if you created opportunities for ample interaction with children (park days, classes...) and really helped him learn in each of these interactions you could do more, less or about the same as what he is experiencing now to guide him?

 

Homeschool is about all sorts of learning and most homeschool parents I know are aware of a need to provide opportunities for social learning and interaction.

 

Dd had been on a roller coaster in school socially and when we brought her home to learn, social learning was a big part of it. She is now a teen and has a huge circle of friends and very active social life. She had always been outgoing, compassionate, friendly and generally cheerful. In school she learned some bad adaptations (hiding how bright she was to avoid being teased,then trying on masks of sorts to fit in). At home we could adjust, adapt and nurture opportunites. It wasn't long before being around a wide age range of other kids she came to be comfortable in her own skin. She is thriving and I will confess I still get the best feeling when some random person notes how great she is in groups and working with others and how many really great friends she has. She wasn't alone at school, but she was lonely. She is not lonely anymore and hasn't been in a long time.

 

It will be what you make of it in a sense. You have to recognize the need and provide for it. That may be best done in school or it may be best done at home.

There was a fantastic article in the nytimes a while back that I just can't find now. It was about a boy diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome, which I know is controversial now, and I'm not going to try to diagnose your ds online. He was incredibly socially awkward, but the best thing his mom did for him was sign him up for theater classes and productions. He could easily memorize the lines, and it "taught" him how to interact with other people, and as he grew up, he was able to use what he learned from the characters he portrayed in his real life interactions with people. It literally gave him a stage to work on many of his issues. I don't think that just being on his own with a bunch of peers will necessarily cause him to work out his issues, nor will being put in random extracurricular activities. But, with a focused effort, great progress can be made. Maybe your ds is a bit young, but something to think about in the future.

[Lori D.]

Welcome to the board! (I saw you had just a few posts. :))

 

I just wanted to suggest that I would not base the decision to homeschool or not to homeschool solely on socialization. It certainly sounds like it is a factor to take into consideration as you look at the big picture, however.

 

Please be aware that keeping your son in school for the social setting may help -- and it may make things far worse. It really depends on the particular school policy, the teacher, and the classmates; at worst: ostracization, bullying, teasing, or tormenting of someone who is "different" or has a "rigid" view of things, which makes the student a target. You may have to re-visit this each year, as the social scene will be different each year.

 

Also, there are many ways to give a child exposure to social situations to practice what you help him learn/rehearse at home if you were to homeschool: sports teams; community theater; a weekly homeschool co-op or PE; scouting; church Sunday school or Awanas group; YMCA activities; Parks & Rec classes; library children's events; etc. Some children do better learning social skills at home, and then having shorter periods of time to focus on and practice those social skills at events such as those listed.

 

Another thing to consider is if you might be looking at something like high-functioning Asberger's -- unusually bright children but who struggle with social skills. In that case, you would want to look into a social skills training to help give him the skills to smooth the social aspects. Not at all trying to say I think your son has Asberger's -- just something to consider if you feel there are other possible signs. (See here or here for very general checklist of Asberger's.)

 

Boys do tend to mature emotionally and socially later than girls -- often not until about age 9. So you may just need to gentle persevere for another year or two until maturity starts to kick in for him.

 

 

If I were in your shoes, I would think through:

- How would that look if DS persisted with where his social skills are for another 2 years in a school setting?

- How would other students respond to that?

- Is DS likely to make friends at school this year? How will that affect him/not affect him?

- How likely is it that DS will make friends in the next grade? Will it be all different students? A teacher who will work to create more "teamwork" between the students? Can you wait that long -- 6 months can be a very long time at age 7.

- How easy is it in your area to withdraw from school, or return to the school system?

- How much support is there in the school system for a child who may be a bit different? Gifted? Special needs?

- How will you address your son's needs (socially, emotionally, and academically) if you homeschool him?

- What options are there for outside interaction? (youth sports, classes, co-op, scouts, clubs, groups, etc.)

- What is it about school he enjoys -- could you recreate that at home, or provide something just as interesting or more so for him?

- Does he have any siblings? Would they be homeschooled as well?

- Would there be any friend from school you could work to regularly have DS play with? (frankly, once we started homeschooling, we were in different circles, and just never could get together with the old classmates)

- Are there neighbor children DS could play with regularly? (we had a neighborhood full of kids who played all kinds of games together)

 

And of course, however you decide to educate DS (at home or in a school), how can you best help address his social skill needs, and help him mature in this area?

 

 

All that to say, only you and your spouse really know enough details about your school situation and your DS to make the decision. Wishing you the very BEST as you work through your decision! Warmest regards, Lori D.

[MASHomeschooler]

Nscribe, would you mind sharing some of things you did to help your daughter get to that point? We started homeschooling this year, and my daughter (7) is/has been very similar to how you describe your daughter was. Helping her in this department is one of my goals, but so far I have not had any great ideas. I do think just being homeschooled helps with the "comfortable in her own skin" part, but I am looking for some explicit ways to help her, too.

[Lily_Grace]

At 7, I would think home would be the perfect environment for him. I don't mean home exactly, but smaller social settings where he can be watched and guided toward more appropriate skills immediately rather than trying to learn social skills only from his age-mates.

 

I know co-ops aren't popular here, but I love ours. The children are all so different - some diagnosed, others who would be if they were in a school setting, and generally quirky kids. But it's the opportunity they have to learn to work together and deal wtih each other in a small setting is invaluable. The 9yos try to rise to meet the maturity of the 12yos, while the 12yos still enjoy playing. The kids all have unique interests (one came in proud as punch in his Henry VIII hat) and are appreciated FOR those interests, not in spite of. And we, their parents, still worry. We worry that they'd be outcasts in public school (probably) or that they won't develop right (very unlikely). I sent out an article last year to our group titled Why Are Homeschooled Kids So Annoying? and I'll do it again this year, just to say THANK YOU to all the wonderful parents who are struggling to accept their children as they are while guiding them on their path. Their "annoying children" are an absolute pleasure to teach and be around.

[kiwik]

If you think he is learning to find socialising easier then there may be something to keeping him in school. However it is just as or more likely that he will find it harder as he gets older and believe me as another poster says this is not a pretty picture during the teenage years. Happy people like themselves as they are (allowing for character improvements or weight loss or education or whatever). Feeling inadequate socially or out of place for years does not make for good self esteem or confidence.

[Nscribe]

Nscribe, would you mind sharing some of things you did to help your daughter get to that point? We started homeschooling this year, and my daughter (7) is/has been very similar to how you describe your daughter was. Helping her in this department is one of my goals, but so far I have not had any great ideas. I do think just being homeschooled helps with the "comfortable in her own skin" part, but I am looking for some explicit ways to help her, too.

 

 

A few things about homeschooling in particular helped us help her (Just homeschooling is not a panacea):

1. We did not have to rely on self reporting-3rd parties

we could observe in the moment

[Nscribe]

Nscribe, would you mind sharing some of things you did to help your daughter get to that point? We started homeschooling this year, and my daughter (7) is/has been very similar to how you describe your daughter was. Helping her in this department is one of my goals, but so far I have not had any great ideas. I do think just being homeschooled helps with the "comfortable in her own skin" part, but I am looking for some explicit ways to help her, too.

 

 

A few things about homeschooling in particular helped us help her (Just homeschooling is not a panacea):

1. We did not have to rely on self reporting-3rd parties

we could observe in the moment

[Mom22ns]

I didn't read the responses, but I wanted to share our story. Ds is ASD. He was always very socially awkward. He was in public school until the beginning of 6th grade when we pulled him out for multiple reasons. He had always had some friends and did very well academically, but at that point ps just wasn't working for him anymore.

 

Six months after I pulled him out, I had a woman at church come to me and say, "What have you done with N? He has improved so much socially, it has been amazing!" I told her we were homeschooling and her first response was, "Do you wish you'd started that sooner?" Everyone we knew commented on the growth in ds's social skills. He made more friends and has almost totally lost his social awkwardness (which is amazing with his ASD). I just had our youth director tell me that he knew N for 2 years before someone told him he is ASD and he had never guessed. He just thinks he's a great kid and that ALL the other kids like him.

 

I kept ds in school in large part because of his social skills. I thought he needed other kids to learn social skills from. I was wrong. What he needed was to experience more situations with me very close at hand to guide him in gaining social skills. Then as they improved to have the opportunity to use those skills in positive environments, that was NOT ps.

[Cosmos]

Not all homeschoolers do fine socially. But then again, neither do all public schoolers. There is a spectrum in both academic settings.

 

That said, I have found that as a rule homeschooled children are more accepting of "difference" than public schoolers. I'm talking about the group dynamic -- of course many public schoolers are kind and friendly as well. But in a group of homeschoolers, with parents actively supporting the social environment, it can be a very positive experience for children who might be ignored or worse in a typical school environment. I know of children who left public school because of bullying and found the homeschool community an absolute oasis of acceptance and genuine affection for their children. Positive experiences like that will do wonders to increase social confidence. They may not help improve actual social skills, however.

[Dmmetler]

I have a similarly awkward kid, and I have to say that her social skills have absolutely improved since she came home after K. Part of that is her age, I'm sure, but part of that is that she has groups of people, but with a little more commonality provided. Most of her groups are smaller now-it might be 10 kids instead of 25, and she simply has an easier time managing it. And, since more adults are present in most cases than in a PS setting, it's easier to guide and monitor a bit more closely when a DC is struggling.

 

It also helps that our co-op is mostly the same families, every year, so she's able to build friendships over time, and I do think that the HS kids tend to be more accepting of each other's quirks and differences. I think to some degree you get almost a family dynamic. When I taught PS, I noticed the same thing would happen among my inner city kids who lived in the same housing project. They might squabble between themselves, but they'd defend the others to the world, and the squabbling was at a sibling-sort of level. There was much less relational aggression, and much more "She's a nerd, but she's OUR nerd" feel. I see the same things in our HS group-that the kids might squabble between themselves, but that they also have each other's back. That's a feel I never got when DD was in PS, and it's certainly not a feel I got in PS except maybe as a member of a team at a competitive event.

[Nscribe]

Sorry, hit button and cut off...continuing...

2. #1 allowed for more organic/hollistic and instantaneous feedback

3. We were incredibly blessed to find a vibrant, active homeschool community-it took devoting time, building adult relationships and sometimes making a choices on whether in the long run time really would be better spent on something academic or social-in other words setting priorities and acting on them

4. The schedule control and flexibility of homeschool helped with number 3

5. We explored interests, encouraged taking chances on trying new things, learned to laugh when something didn't fit or go well and celebrate when it did

6. We were really lucky to have her Grandma around a bit to do what Grandma's can do so well--love unconditionally and we tapped that deliberately and set aside time for it-doesn't everyone flourish when they have that someone who finds joy in every quirk and sees only opportunities?

7. Dd needed the freedom to be "smart" without recrimination and have multi-age relationships---when you can vividly describe the way it must feel for a leaf to fall-become one with the earth and be return to a state of being as one amongst a team on a tree fostering life at age 8, it is pretty good to have diverse ages and perspectives around you to appreciate that and make it ok to express while at the same time having others to play Polly Pocket, run, jump and play. It helps to learn you need not be all that you are at all times in all settings. Homeschool gave that opportunity.

 

Generally in all settings:

1. Yes, I ran interference. She had suffered enough bruises (literally and figuratively) and I made sure she knew she didn't have to. If someone was not accepting, I encouraged her to understand and reminded her the world is a big place and we may not mesh with all folks. I walked away from people who were unkind and she and I together worked on when to bend and when not to yield

2. We tried lots of activities - we sorted things as either *stuff I have a shot at being good at or *stuff with a lot of hard work I could be competent or *stuff I may not do well, am not inspired by and it is ok to walk away from

3. We read a lot of great books and talked about them. We talked (still do) about just how neat people are generally and how much fun it is to experience differences

4. We found areas she could shine and relished them, nurtured them

5. We really did allow failure, a lot can be learned from it.

6. We gave her permission to be a selective consumer - she must be courteous to everyone, but she doesn't have to like everyone and this helped her understand that not everyone had to like her

7. Very huge was really focusing on learning to be a great listener - treating listening like an adventure and a great gift

8. We do not dwell on can't, we challenge can. We experiment.

9. Success breads success. The more she had the chance to see that she was fine, she was fine. She struggled to accept recognition at first-but as she was given permission to be proud of accomplishments that improved. Being outstanding in anyway can provoke some negative feedback, learning that you can't let that deter you or force you to hide was a biggie

10. We stressed she didn't need to be average, typical or always conventional. She needed to learn to read situations and adapt appropriately, but she did not have to be like everyone else to be liked by everyone else

11. Frankly, just growing older and others her age doing so as well helped. Teens are a bit more appreciative of difference and uniqueness than 3rd to middle school girls.

[MomatHWTK]

There are books, board games and even flashcards that can help you work on social behaviors as a subject in your homeschool. At the very least, get some idea of where the awkwardness occurs so that you know how to help him self-correct. Then you can start slowly introducing controlled social situations. If the issue is really problematic, you can take him to a behavioral therapist who can work on these issues and may even introduce him to a social skills group to work with other children.

[Alessandra]

I want to say upfront that I know it's a myth that home school kids don't have social skills.

I just need a little feedback from some experienced home schoolers. Right now my kids go to school and next year I want very badly to home school them. However, I am having some reservations about homeschooling my son. He is seven years old, and while he likes his school very much, he has a hard time making friends. I have always anticipated that this would be a problem for him. He is very precocious and his interests are quite unusual for a little boy. He can be very intense and rigid and impatient, especially when trying to play. Anyway, my concern with homeschooling is that if he wasn't in school, his social awkwardness would get worse. It seems that by staying in school, he would be forced to face those challenges on a daily basis and I don't want to deprive him of the opportunity to work these things out.

But again, I know that home school kids do just fine socially. I just worry b/c my son is already so unique and already struggles wit this. Its like he's behind the ball. I hope that makes sense.

any thoughts would be greatly appreciated!

 

You have received a lot of excellent advice -- I especially like the post from Lori.

 

I see you write that your ds likes school. He is rigid, as well as being socially awkward. Without knowing your ds or your school or family, it is impossible to advise! But one thing leaps out at me -- I do not see any testing (or did I miss it?). At this point, while your son is is school, you might want to consider testing, in case there is a diagnosis that would get your ds special services. Testing could be done by the school or privately, or both. That is a whole other subject. Having ds tested could give you info that would be valuable whether you hsed or psed.

 

Some states/school districts have wonderful, supportive special services programs, interventions. There might (or might not) be something out there that would suit your ds, but it could not hurt to find out your options. You might also want to check out state and school district policies on bullying. I mention that because 'different' kids can be targets. I live in a state with some of the strictest anti-bullying laws in the U.S., but actual practice varies tremendously by school district.

 

Welcome to WTM!

 

ETA You used the phrase 'forced to face those challenges.' Another way of looking at it is 'given the tools to face...' or 'supported while he learns to face....' I am not sure that the school of hard knocks would work with your ds as you have described him. But ongoing support, explicit learning, and supervised practice can go a long way (for hs or ps).

[Nscribe]

I wouldn't want someone reading to think that homeschool communities are magical clique free zones or nirvanas of unconditional acceptance. We have seen some rather rigid and homogenous homeschool school groups along the way. Some of the same traits that make someone willing to try homeschooling and deviate from the norm can manifest in some really unyielding structures that are different shades of the same color that "schools" often get painted with. There are great school communities and great homeschool communities that can work to help a parent concerned about social issues. Sometimes it takes some trial and error to find what will work.

 

The situation for Dd in school became a crisis and intervention was needed. We expended a great deal of time and resources in testing, evaluation... These do help to add information to weigh and consider. It helped us to have data. If nothing else it motivated us to try learn more. My regret is that I did not intervene sooner and allowed myself to go against my gut and stick with what wasn't working longer than we wish we would have. Some pain could have been avoided.

 

It is not a straight line from bad to better. We were fortunate that Dd's issues were something that were a response, not a condition. (They were mal-adaptive responses) She had been a thriving, outgoing, caring kid- she entered a span of crisis-we had real reason to believe that there was a her that was not the her the crisis yielded-we could build on that base, we just had to detox a lot of garbage to do so. It wasn't about changing who she innately was, it was/is about learning to know what that is and live comfortably with it.

[Holly]

We also find ways to practice social skills...even if it's a bit awkward for them at first. We do co-op, and while they don't get much academically from it, I feel it really helps with social skills! They work on things like standing in line, sharing, interacting with adults (besides DH and I), and making friends. They also get practice with this at Sunday school and being on sports teams. I think it's like any other skill we are trying to work on...they just need practice! The other pro of these situations (instead of PS) is that you can monitor how they are doing and help them work on areas they need to improve.

 

My DS comes off as a bit awkward, and my mom has shown concern that he'll be bullied later on. Having seen him interact with other kids, I've assured her that he does very well playing with others. If he'd been in public school all day long, I might be wondering how he was doing with this.

[Hedgehogs4]

One of the things I have loved the most about homeschooling is that I am present far more often to help a child work through a socially difficult situation in the moment. I think it is far harder for a kid to go through the difficulty of being alone or with a teacher or classmates who obviously do not love him / her as much and feel the shame and anxiety of dealing alone. This is not to say that I rescue my kids from every situation. Not in the least. Rather, I can honestly observe situations, help the child to recognize how / why he needs to change his behavior, talk about it afterwards in private, or intervene if necessary. They feel secure and supported.

[dbmamaz]

dont have time to read it all, but my older son was in school until 7th grade and never managed to make many friends. he was teased a lot and school became torture for him.

 

once we started homeschooling, i was able to give him immediate feedback when I saw him doing something inappropriate, i could call him away from agroup and give him pointers, and we could review things before we went to park day or other activities, so he was able to learn better on the fly like that

 

he'd even been in a few social skills groups at school, but to him, that was just book learning - he memorized the content but could not use it . . until i was able to give him the live-time feedback.

 

also some kids are just different - if you can manage to find just a couple of kids he gets along with, that will be enough. look for classes in his favorite subjects to find like-minded kids

[MASHomeschooler]

Thanks, Nscribe and others who have shared their specific strategies. I don't know about the op, but these are definitely helpful to me. Some we have already been doing, and I can already see her being more confident and less anxious, but she still has a ways to go, and and I will be doing more of the things mentioned. Thanks!

[MarigoldHS]

You all have been wonderful!!!! I am new to the forum and I can't believe how supportive and caring everyone is. Thank you very much!!!

 

I should have said in my original post that DS goes to a wonderful Montessori School. His teachers are fantastic! very experienced, very loving and very responsive to parents. His class is a mix of 1st-3rd graders and the students are pretty diverse as reflected by the diversity among the parents as well. I have been very happy with his school and so has he....The issue is just that I really want to home school! Right now I am working part time to pay private school tuition and I feel that our family life suffers a little bit as a consequence. I don't think any of us really thrives on the hectic pace of life these days.

 

As far as testing, he was evaluated and treated for SPD when he was 3, the primary sensory issue for him being toe-walking. Because he was such an early reader (2) and has some sensory issues, it has been suggested before that we consider an aspergers diagnosis. So we took him to a highly recommended child psychologist for a time and she did not believe the markers for aspergers were there. We have also been very fortunate to have an open dialogue with all of his teachers regarding this, and so far, it has generally been agreed that at this point, an evaluation would not be appropriate or needed. The doctor describes him as "just a really really bright, slightly awkward kid". all of this is just to say that I have not ruled out the need for an additional evaluation, but right now, we are just sitting tight. It might be something that we revisit soon. i don't really know.

 

He is very charming and very happy, he just can't relate well to his peers. While everyone on the playground is pretending to be Jedi's, he wants to talk about geography or the electoral college or anatomy. So as a consequence, he gets very frustrated b/c he doesn't know how to just pretend to run around and fight or whatever. anyways, i hope that gives a better understanding of our situation. Any other thoughts in light of this would, of course, be very much appreciated.

[Hedgehogs4]

One of the things I have loved the most about homeschooling is that I am present far more often to help a child work through a socially difficult situation in the moment. I think it is far harder for a kid to go through the difficulty of being alone or with a teacher or classmates who obviously do not love him / her as much and feel the shame and anxiety of dealing alone. This is not to say that I rescue my kids from every situation. Not in the least. Rather, I can honestly observe situations, help the child to recognize how / why he needs to change his behavior, talk about it afterwards in private, or intervene if necessary. They feel secure and supported.

[Tracy]

Do you have any idea how difficult it is to go to school everyday with 25 other kids, none of whom have any interest in being your friend?

 

I always had a hard time making friends in school. Every so often, I would try to make friends, and no one ever reciprocated. Sometimes I would try dressing more like them, doing my hair more like them, or listening to the same music (which I didn't like), hoping it would change everything. School is the absolute worst place to learn social skills, because you see more bad examples than good.

 

As an adult, I have a lot of friends, but they are not restricted to people who are my exact age who live in my school district.

[Mom22ns]

As far as testing, he was evaluated and treated for SPD when he was 3, the primary sensory issue for him being toe-walking. Because he was such an early reader (2) and has some sensory issues, it has been suggested before that we consider an aspergers diagnosis. So we took him to a highly recommended child psychologist for a time and she did not believe the markers for aspergers were there. We have also been very fortunate to have an open dialogue with all of his teachers regarding this, and so far, it has generally been agreed that at this point, an evaluation would not be appropriate or needed. The doctor describes him as "just a really really bright, slightly awkward kid". all of this is just to say that I have not ruled out the need for an additional evaluation, but right now, we are just sitting tight. It might be something that we revisit soon. i don't really know.

 

Have you ever read about hyperlexia? Your ds definitely has some notable traits including the social awkwardness and early reading. My ds started reading at 2 too and was diagnosed hyperlexic here. His ability to read early and prolifically has been a real aid in helping him overcome many other difficulties. There is at least one other parent of a hyperlexic child also diagnosed Aspie who hangs out over on the special needs board. We have found a lot in common between our kids including curriculum choices that work.

[Nscribe]

The doctor describes him as "just a really really bright, slightly awkward kid". ...

 

He is very charming and very happy, he just can't relate well to his peers. While everyone on the playground is pretending to be Jedi's, he wants to talk about geography or the electoral college or anatomy. So as a consequence, he gets very frustrated b/c he doesn't know how to just pretend to run around and fight or whatever. anyways, i hope that gives a better understanding of our situation. Any other thoughts in light of this would, of course, be very much appreciated.

 

:001_smile: Sounds so familiar.

 

I strongly suggest reading Jim Delisle, Parenting Gifted Kids: Tips for Raising Happy and Successful Children.

 

When I made the long list, I left off a couple of things. It really helped when Dd found a true peer. The two of them couldn't be more different Dd extrovert/Peer introvert and yet they are so alike, it is a great thing to watch them.

[LucyStoner]

We took our socially awkward and gifted son out of school right before he turned 7. If anything, being out of the school environment has made him less awkward. This is because as homeschoolers we could cater his schedule towards pro-social activities that would not be overwhelming or damaging for him as school had been. He didn't get the playground scene at all and ultimately that led to him being bullied.

 

Don't take him home and stay inside all day. But you may find that he does far better in small group social activities- cup scouts, group lessons, playgroups than at school. My son is now nine and this last year he made his first ever friend of his own initiative (rather than a friend he'd had since he was a baby or a friend he was sort of thrust together with.) He wanted to play chess at the homeschooling center so he looked around, found a child who looked interesting to him who was reading a book he liked and walked up and said " Do you like to play chess?" On his own. They have become best friends and spend many hours discussing science, books, technology and playing board games. He has also become more engaged with his peers at multiage pottery, writers workshop and robotics classes than I ever would have expected.

 

 

I think homeschooling can be more beneficial than regular school for many socially awkward kids. School is a highly unusual social situation- 30 kids all the same age together all day. Homeschooling opens up doors for all ages social contact and allows you to make social stuff a major priority.

[journey00]

DS #1, age 22: PS all his life, was the most socially awkward and shy. PS did NOT help him evolve his social graces....made it worse. Fast forward 3 yrs, has a satisfying and successful Army career and he and his wife are expecting their first baby. Being OUT of ps helped him socially.

 

DD #1, age 13: PS preK-3rd grade; Catholic School 4th- 5th grade; HS 6th-7th. Has good social skills but is very reserved and has to warm up to others before she will make friends.

 

DS #2 age 9: prek in PS; K - 1st Catholic School; 2nd and 3rd HS.

DD #2 age 7: prek and K Catholic School; 1st and 2nd HS.

 

Throw the last 2 kids in a mix of any type of group anywhere and they will make friends with anybody and everybody. Neither are afraid to ask questions to adults. They have fantastic social skills.

 

My observation, the longer my kids were in a brick and mortar school the less social graces they acquired.

[MarigoldHS]

Hive Mind Queen Bee ---> that is so awesome about your son! I would love for my son to find a chess buddy. He LOVES chess.

 

Thank you again to everybody who has responded. This discussion has been so wonderful!

[ladyinthegarden]

For us the playground has always been the best place to teach social skills. We took DS to the playground frequently since he was a toddler. I observed interactions he had with others. If he was not doing something right I corrected it immediately. Parents are the best curriculum for social skills.

 

I have found that kids also need guidance about who they play with or befriend. Not everyone is worth your time. That holds true in adult relationships as well. I never had this sort of mentoring when I was growing up and have struggled with relationships.

 

One day we were at the park, and there was a kid throwing the wood chips at the playground at my DS, they were flying toward his face. He was just standing there waiting for her to stop, so he could play with her. The parents (two adults) were sitting on the swing watching this, and said nothing to their child. I walked over to him and told him not to play with her. Instead of correcting the child on the spot, they picked her up and left the playground.

 

We had another lesson recently with some neighborhood kids who wanted to befriend him because of something he owns. He can now discern a true friend from someone who just wants something from him. He also learned about how people use manipulation to try to get what they desire.

 

I read Teaching the Trivium by Harvey Bluedorn a few years ago, and he suggest no unsupervised playtime with other children. I thought the advice about unsupervised play was extreme. I grew up running wild; the only adult supervision I had was during dinner. I'm beginning to see the wisdom in that advice. I think putting time in supervising the kids playing is time well spent. I think the pay-off will come later on when they are able to handle themselves without you.

 

My DS has interest that are odd to other boys his age. However, through those interest he has attracted friendships from like-minded people. There is great advantages for a child with a sense of individuality. I think my own DS has formed skills as a leader through his individuality. He has other kids who follow him around learning from him. He teaches them like he is a retired professor. He has also formed a friendship with an elderly neighbor. They have long chats in the yard about everything. He calls her his friend. It's so sweet to watch them interact.

 

I think he would be fine, and you could use the community to your advantage. I liked the advice in post #5.

[sassenach]

There was a fantastic article in the nytimes a while back that I just can't find now. It was about a boy diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome, which I know is controversial now, and I'm not going to try to diagnose your ds online. He was incredibly socially awkward, but the best thing his mom did for him was sign him up for theater classes and productions. He could easily memorize the lines, and it "taught" him how to interact with other people, and as he grew up, he was able to use what he learned from the characters he portrayed in his real life interactions with people. It literally gave him a stage to work on many of his issues. I don't think that just being on his own with a bunch of peers will necessarily cause him to work out his issues, nor will being put in random extracurricular activities. But, with a focused effort, great progress can be made. Maybe your ds is a bit young, but something to think about in the future.

I've been searching the internet for 30 minutes and I can't find this article. If anybody has a link for it, I'd love to read it!

[brownie]

Is school helping now? If it's not, that's a pretty good indicator of what will happen in the future. If your son disengages at school and nobody is encouraging him, then it does not help. If you can get him 4 hour playdates with other homeschoolers (because you can finish teaching by 1PM and have the whole afternoon in front of you) and can coach your child through the playdate. I would also recommend activities like scouts, 4H or sports where your son would be with the same kids year after year preferably. Also, find a coop where you can meet other homeschoolers to invite over. If you can provide more quality social interaction at home then it is a win-win. It does get harder though as they get older....middle school and high school.

[Shellydon]

You can find a speech-language pathologist that specializes in social and pragmatic skills and enroll him in therapy.

[kerenlynne]

My DS is LD and was in the Public School for a long time. We were constantly struggling with pulling him out precisely because he was socially awkward and would live in his room 24/7 if we let him. He is a loner and starts every conversation with obscure facts. (we call him Cliff Claven) We need to let him know when we have a social event coming up so he can prepare and he gets worn out by people very easily. We thought the PS would help him with those skills but I honestly just think it wore him out. I once asked him about the kids on the bus to see if he could make friends with any of them, he told me they were all democrats so it really wasn't gonna happen. I tried to convince him that maybe he could be friends with a dem but he is too black and white. Sigh..... The PS really didn't hurt him socially but it didn't help him much. There is a whole spectrum of social skills and most everyone needs to work on those skills but I doubt the resources of the PS will help that with your kiddo. If you are concerned about the skills, you will be in a better situation to help your child improve than an overworked teacher with 20 + kids in his or her class.