Not even sure how to address this (DS6 only wants friends with "skin like mine")

[Xuzi]

What do you do when your 6 year old tells he doesn't want to be friends with kids with dark skin?? We live in a predominantly white area (and are white ourselves), but will be moving in a couple of weeks to an area that has a larger Latino population, and also probably a larger AA population as well. I've seen him play at the park with kids of different skin colors, but when I pointed that out to him he said that he's okay with playing with them, but that he'd never want to be their friend. :( And this is something he brought up himself, even. He just asked me out of the blue, with a worried look on his face, if there would be kids with skin like his in our new area.

 

Are there any books or anything I could read to him to help him understand that skin color doesn't have to be a requirement for friendship? Obviously having him see DH and me with friends of various skin colors will also help, but I'd kind of like to start addressing *now*.

 

And I'm also worried about how to deal with the situation that could come up if he ends up repeating his preference to a dark-skinned kid who wants to be his friend.

[Cassy]

I'm sorry, I don't know of any suitable books. I'd have thought there are enough examples of mixed race friendships in popular culture to influence him in a positive direction, assuming you watch films, TV, etc.

 

If it were my DS I'm afraid I'd come down on him quite strongly. Even at 6 yo I don't think it's too early to learn that prejudice against someone on the basis of their skin colour is just not, in any way at all, acceptable. I'd be as definite about it as I'd be if he'd cursed, or said something obscene. But that's just me.

 

ETA Sadly, if your new area is predominantly Latino, your DS might just learn this lesson the hard way, as he may come across prejudice himself.

[Mnemosyne]

I'd be curious to know if someone said something to him about this - a friend maybe? Maybe he read something?

 

If it's not something that is an issue in every day life, I don't see how something like that would even be an issue. It may be worth talking to him to see why this is an issue for him.

[SpecialClassical]

First, he's six. He is at a developmental stage of looking at the world in categories not necessarily based on prejudice. I would explore that with him. Why skin color? How is that different that choosing friends based on hair color? Did he have and experience you are unaware of?

 

Do you have people in your life with different skin colors? Even if it is just the cashier/manager at the store or a doctor/nurse at the doctor's office and not a close friend you could remark on their kindness, friendliness, intelligence, etc. I wouldn't refer back to his concerns at those times, just plant seeds of truth in him.

 

I would not come down hard on him because then you may be making it into a bigger deal than it really is and sending him the message that skin color is a touchy issue.

[Sasharowan]

I've had a couple of my kids go through this at that age. First, I pointed out anyone we knew in their life that had different colored skin, then different hair, telling them choosing people by hair or skin color was the same thing. Then we played some role playing games where different people were excluded or included based on shirt color, hair color, whatever random thing I thought of. It showed them that skin color mattered about as much as your shirt color. This is the age that they are realizing that there are differences in people out there, and they are trying to sort out in their mind which differences matter. Show by actions that personality is more important than external looks and your kids will follow suit.

[redsquirrel]

Did you ask why? Before you can do anything you need to have that conversation. And you need to tell him no, because that would be like saying we can only be friends who have brown eyes or who like the colour green.

 

There was a kid I babysat for who said pretty much the same thing at the same age, it turns out she had a classmate who was quietly filling her head with some truly horrible racist stuff. They addressed it at the school, but had to do some repairs at home.

[ChristusG]

I'd address it firmly but I wouldn't take it too seriously. Kids can be strange.... My 5 year old DD informed me a few months ago that she didn't want to be friends with kids who wear glasses. The odd thing is.... She wears glasses herself! She couldn't tell me a reason why she didnt want to be friends with kids who wore glasses. I did explain that it's not what's on the outside of people that matters....but I didn't take it too seriously.

[Xuzi]

I asked him why, and he said "Just because." That was all I was able to get out of him. His only experience with public school was at an EI Preschool where he had classmates with DS and spinabiffeda (sp) and autism, etc. He's used to playing with kids who are different from him in other ways besides skin color, and when we were in CA visiting my parents he spent the better part of an hour playing at the park with a young black boy, and they seemed to be having a really good time with no signs of awkwardness.

 

I told him that he'd miss out on some really awesome friends if he decided to only be friends with kids who look like him. DH and I have had friends with darker skin, but one of those friends moved away when DS was just a baby, and the others are more casual friendships in places where the kids don't go (workplace, gym, etc.) We don't have any close "SO-and-SO is coming over for dinner" friendships with people of *any* skin color.

 

I really hope this is just a phase. One of the reasons I wanted to move to a new area was because I prefer to be surrounded by more diversity. Hopefully with enough time there he'll be able to see what I see: that people are people.

[Karen in CO]

When my older dd was about that age, she enountered her first kid with red hair and freckles. She was horrified and decided that she didn't like red-haired kids. At six, kids are sorting people into groups. I pointed out to to my dd how different her skin is from mine and from her dad's. Then we pointed out hair and eyes. We spent a lot of time noticing the differences in people and talking about how the differences on the outside don't have anything to do with what kind of person you are on the inside. It is an important conversation, and this is a great time to start it.

[Mrs Mungo]

Have you read Babe: The Gallant Pig? At its heart, it's a book about prejudice. The dog tells her puppies that pigs are stupid, even though she's never even met a pig. The puppies leave the farm engrained with their mother's ideas about pigs. The conflict in the book is between Babe and Fly. After Babe saves the sheep everyone, even the farmer's wife, treats him differently. They all more or less root for him to become a sheep-pig. [eta: That's one of the major differences between the book and the movie. The movie adds additional characters and conflict so that Babe becoming a sheep-pig is the major conflict.] So, that's not the real conflict. The real conflict is in how they are going to treat the sheep. The turning point comes when Fly has to go to the sheep and ask for their help. She has to find out for herself that the sheep are not stupid. Talking about it in this indirect manner is often more easier than facing it head-on, which is why so many children's books are fantasy. It's easier to deal with the prejudice in talking animals than in ourselves.

 

I also agree with the idea of seeking out pop culture that features people of various skin tones.

 

This stuff may be just a six year old not being exposed enough. When you move, you will encounter a bigger variety of people and kids. He will probably naturally make friends with people of varying skin tones and won't think twice about it at that point. :grouphug:

[Karen in CO]

Have you read Babe: The Gallant Pig? At its heart, it's a book about prejudice. The dog tells her puppies that pigs are stupid, even though she's never even met a pig. The puppies leave the farm engrained with their mother's ideas about pigs. The conflict in the book is between Babe and Fly. After Babe saves the sheep everyone, even the farmer's wife, treat him differently. They all more or less root for him to become a sheep-pig. So, that's not the real conflict. The real conflict is in how they are going to treat the sheep. The turning point comes when Fly has to go to the sheep and ask for their help. She has to find out for herself that the sheep are not stupid. Talking about it in this indirect manner is often more easier than facing it head-on, which is why so many children's books are fantasy. It's easier to deal with the prejudice in talking animals than in ourselves.

 

I also agree with the idea of seeking out pop culture that features people of various skin tones.

 

This stuff may be just a six year old not being exposed enough. When you move, you will encounter a bigger variety of people and kids. He will probably naturally make friends with people of varying skin tones and won't think twice about it at that point. :grouphug:

 

 

We've never read Babe. Thanks. Youngest loves animal stories, and after seeing the movie, I had never considered reading the book.

[SKL]

Honestly, as others have said, I think this is actually age-appropriate in a way. I would not overreact. I would keep telling him how you view things and model your own beliefs about diversity.

 

My dds are brown-skinned and they started to become very aware of skin color differences about a year ago (incidentally, just after the MLK lesson in school). I actually posted here about it. Honestly, I believe the MLK lesson gave them the idea that skin color could be used as a criterion to value another person. It made them feel glad/relieved that their skin wasn't the darkest in the room. I felt so sad for them and for their darker-skinned friends and classmates.

 

However, I pointed out the real-life examples in our life of darker-skinned folks being just as good, talented, caring, etc. as those with lighter skin. I also pointed out that nobody is "black" or "white" but we are all along the same continuum. I point out that most people on earth have darker skin. Jesus/Mohammad/Buddha etc. probably had tan skin. The prez has darkish skin. Gradually the concept of dark skin = bad seems to have faded (for now). In fact, my youngest points out that her favorite doll has brown skin like her and it is beautiful.

 

There are some good books out there. I like "All the Colors of the Earth" by Sheila Hamanaka. But I also read with my kids a lot of kids' books about geography and biography which show the diversity that is out there in a positive way. (But if you get into biographies about MLK, Harriet Tubman, etc., be prepared to balance it out with the fact that not all white people are racist/ignorant/oppressive either.)

[Mrs Mungo]

 

We've never read Babe. Thanks. Youngest loves animal stories, and after seeing the movie, I had never considered reading the book.

 

I added a line in my post about the major difference between the book and the movie because the movie really does change the conflict.

[Jayne J]

We had the same thing happen here at our house when a mixed race family moved in next door. Some of the children were lighter than others and ds, about 6, declared that he didn't like the darker skinned kids. When asked why, he said it was because they looked different, specifically their skin color, but also hair texture. We discussed racism very explicitly and I read books from the library about apartheid, slavery, the civil rights movement, etc. Ironically, ds was outraged that people would be so mean to others just because they looked different. When I pointed out his own feelings about the neighbors, he did a lot of thinking and made a point to befriend the kids he had been neglecting.

 

I had always assumed that just being raised in an environment where there was no racism would ensure that my children did not judge others on their skin, eyes or hair color, but now I don't think that is enough. I found that intentional discussion of the issues did a much better job for us. I make a point to bring out minority issues in our history class as well (Chinese on the railroad for example, or, obviously, black slavery.). We make sure to read things written from minority perspectives whenever possible to keep the idea fresh, that it is not OK to judge or mistreat people because they look different.

 

That said, don't panic. I think it is pretty normal for kids at that age to be trying to figure out how things fit together and coming to some silly conclusions. We just need to address the issues that arise openly.

 

Three years later my kids have friends from many ethnicities.

[gingersmom]

No suggestions but it did make me think of my kids at that age.

 

The family across the street are African American. According to my children, they were absolutely not. They were just like us (white, they just had darker skin). My kids saw no difference in their skin, hair or anything else.

[Karen A]

Picture book recommendation: It's Okay to be Different, by Todd Parr

 

http://www.amazon.com/Its-Okay-Different-Todd-Parr/dp/0316043478/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1359129986&sr=1-1&keywords=it%27s+okay+to+be+different

 

It's very basic, but my daughter really liked it, and would cite it when we encountered differences among her friends/classmates.

[Ottakee]

I think it is an age/developmental level thing. I wouldnt' make too much of a big deal about it but rather continue on bringing out the best in all races and various people you meet. MLK day can really bring this out. I know the goal of it is to reduce racial issues but I do think that for some kids bringing it up and pointing it out just makes it worse.

[SKL]

I just remembered something my dd said last week. "Mommy, is it true that people with white skin will never marry someone with brown skin?" Of course I responded that that was not the case, but I wonder if it came up in school. My dd has a crush on a white-skinned boy in her class. Unfortunately I was at a loss to provide her with quick positive examples of mixed-race couples that actually stayed together.

[Jeannie in NJ]

my dd is Korean and she is encountering a strange situation at college. She goes to community college 40 min. away in an area that has a lot of Asian Asians (dd's term for kids that come from completely Asian homes, as in their parents came over from Asia, as opposed to her which is adopted from Asia by non-asian parents, us). ANyway all the asian students she has met are not adopted and what she is experiencing is that the Asian guys are coming on to her (she is very beautiful) only because she is Asian, Some have even told her that their parents are requiring them to marry only an Asian girl. Dd is so offended by this that she now just ignores them . She will still be friends with other Asian girls, just not the guys.

 

I know a woman in church whose son (caucasian) was dating an Asian Asian girl in college. When her parents found out, they made her break up with him because he is not Asian. They told her if she continued to see him, then she would be cut out and completely shut out from her entire family.

[Jean in Newcastle]

In the context of your imminent move, I would think it might be more of a statement of not wanting to lose the comfort of the friends and culture that he already has.

[Mom-2-7]

We are a racially mixed family. We have had to deal with this off and on for a few years - between siblings!

 

Dh and I are Caucasian. Of our younger set: Ds10 is Filipino, 3 other dc are Mexican/Italian but look Caucasian except in the summer. The other 3 dc are AA.

 

A few years ago the subject of skin color came up and some of the kids weren't so nice. I sat them all down and gave them a quick, age appropriate lesson on melanin. Then I held up a pice of paper and asked them what color it was. When they said "white", I held it to my arm and asked if they are the same color. Of course they said no. Then I held up something black. We compared that object to my darkest son.

 

We reached the conclusion that we are all just shades of brown. For the most part that resolved the issue. Every now and then we have a refresher.

[Lisbeth]

I wouldn't make too much of a deal of it. If it persists, then I would re-enforce that character matters. I would teach mine to look at each individual, and not dislike OR like someone based on skin color or cultural expectations on either side of the fence. It all comes down to individual behavior, individual responsibility, and not grouping people, in my house.

IE, we wouldn't HATE based on skin color, nor would we give a pass for it either. We have high expectations for everyone!

 

This might be an issue because we live in one of the so-called (by the prof who wrote the book, and whose name escapes me) "Whitopias." The white population around here is at about 98%,

[mooooom]

When my son was that age, he told me he didn't want to be friends with anyone without teeth (my kids all lost their teeth late) Apparently missing front teeth was frightening - until I explained that he was going to lose his too. When he was younger - it was freckles - and he had them! My other two never had any issues like this. I think some kids that age feel threatened somehow by anything different, and others either don't, or don't even notice. They do grow out of it.

[Runningmom80]

My son went through this at 3 when he started preschool. He actually said at to the teacher. We were mortified. We figured out that He just didn't like anyone who was different than him.

 

The one thing I learned about it all is that you can't ignore talking about race and just think they will come to the right conclusions based on not being around racism. dh and I thought that naturally, since we personally aren't racist, that our kids would just accept everyone.

 

We have a couple of books, but since my was much younger when we had this conversation, they may be too young For your DS. One is called "the skin we're in." I'll have to look at my books for the other title.

[zimom]

I agree with others that say this is likely developmental. When my now adult son was about five we were at Disney and I still remember clearly he was sitting on a bench when all of a sudden he 'got it' and proclaimed loudly that the lady sitting next to him had brown skin. I laughed and hoped she wasn't offended because of course I knew his best friend at home was AA, and he was processing.

 

Similarly, my daughter , 9 y.o. who is frequently around individuals with all types of physical and cognitive differences, spent an hour Saturday with Paralympic swimmer, who uses a wheelchair, and her husband. When she got in the car the first thing she asked me was, "Mom, can people in wheelchairs get married?". I was getting ready for a deep discussion when she followed it up with, "Won't their wedding gown drag and get stuck in the wheels?"

 

All that to say, try to make sure you know where your son is coming from and speak to him in age appropriate language. He likely means no ill will, he is just trying to process in his young mind.

[Heather in Neverland]

my dd is Korean and she is encountering a strange situation at college. She goes to community college 40 min. away in an area that has a lot of Asian Asians (dd's term for kids that come from completely Asian homes, as in their parents came over from Asia, as opposed to her which is adopted from Asia by non-asian parents, us). ANyway all the asian students she has met are not adopted and what she is experiencing is that the Asian guys are coming on to her (she is very beautiful) only because she is Asian, Some have even told her that their parents are requiring them to marry only an Asian girl. Dd is so offended by this that she now just ignores them . She will still be friends with other Asian girls, just not the guys.

 

I know a woman in church whose son (caucasian) was dating an Asian Asian girl in college. When her parents found out, they made her break up with him because he is not Asian. They told her if she continued to see him, then she would be cut out and completely shut out from her entire family.

 

 

That is the norm here, too. There is quite an even amount of Indians, Chinese and Malay people on this island and they all stick to their own kind and very rarely inter-marry. It is not really acceptable to do so. These groups are also openly prejudiced towards each other yet somehow still live peacefully around each other. It's a little alarming to me, as a westerner, how open and blatantly prejudiced they are. And they don't understand the American preoccupation with trying to pretend we are color blind. Different mind sets.

 

My middle ds is Korean and he didn't even "get" that at all until he was about 6yo. I think this is all very age appropriate and the perfect time to start having good discussions about it.

 

Just yesterday, one of the guards at my work asked me how my "black" daughter is doing. My daughter is Indian. But so is this guard. They refer to themselves as being black and discriminate against each other based on levels of darkness. And the koreans at my school don't see ds as being "truly" korean because he has white parents. How's that for confusing?

[TXMomof4]

We had the same thing happen here at our house when a mixed race family moved in next door. Some of the children were lighter than others and ds, about 6, declared that he didn't like the darker skinned kids. When asked why, he said it was because they looked different, specifically their skin color, but also hair texture. We discussed racism very explicitly and I read books from the library about apartheid, slavery, the civil rights movement, etc. Ironically, ds was outraged that people would be so mean to others just because they looked different. When I pointed out his own feelings about the neighbors, he did a lot of thinking and made a point to befriend the kids he had been neglecting.

 

I had always assumed that just being raised in an environment where there was no racism would ensure that my children did not judge others on their skin, eyes or hair color, but now I don't think that is enough. I found that intentional discussion of the issues did a much better job for us. I make a point to bring out minority issues in our history class as well (Chinese on the railroad for example, or, obviously, black slavery.). We make sure to read things written from minority perspectives whenever possible to keep the idea fresh, that it is not OK to judge or mistreat people because they look different.

 

That said, don't panic. I think it is pretty normal for kids at that age to be trying to figure out how things fit together and coming to some silly conclusions. We just need to address the issues that arise openly.

 

Three years later my kids have friends from many ethnicities.

 

 

I agree with being explicit in an age approriate manner. Just read about this in a book called Nurture Shock. It is pretty interesting

[Catherine]

I think there may also be an underlying issue: the child is picking up on the unconscious racism of all of us. Many studies have demonstrated our unconscious racism (interestingly, it's not only caucasians that experience unconscious racism) and children are very sensitive. My son expressed a preference similar to the OP's when he was 4, and what was surprising to me was that he had a playmate at the time who was very dark. He told me his friend "didn't count." To me, that says he felt or noticed something that was not necessarily backed up by the reality of his own experience, which fits with unconscious racism.

 

I have heard more than once that white parents talk to their children about race far less than black parents. Black parents, I think, feel forced to by circumstances. Many white parents would like to believe that racism no longer exists so perhaps do not discuss it? I have no good ideas or advice, but I wanted to share my thoughts. Since learning the fact I just pointed out, I try to be more aware of not avoiding this topic, which is very sensitive. When I brought this up to my teenager, he told me that a AA boy he knows was visiting his BFF's sister, and when he pedaled away from her house on his bike, their next door neighbor called the police. Urgh. We live in a majority white neighborhood. But I do understand how a black child's parents might think they need to warn their kids that stuff like this might happen. Sorry for the digression.

[JFSinIL]

He is only six. Nicely ask him how he would feel if a kid with darker skin refused to be HIS friend based on color. Also - show him a kid's anatomy book. Inside, everyone is the same, squishy red organs, white bones, etc. :-)

 

Besides, God made folks all different colors since that is more fun. Would he want to color with only one color crayon? No! There are many colors in the box!

 

Good Luck. I think it will take just one friendly neighbor kid with a cool swingset or great ideas for games and he'll forget this color bias.

 

I wonder if he heard something from someone bigoted?

[Mommyof4ks]

He is only six. Nicely ask him how he would feel if a kid with darker skin refused to be HIS friend based on color. Also - show him a kid's anatomy book. Inside, everyone is the same, squishy red organs, white bones, etc. :-)

 

Besides, God made folks all different colors since that is more fun. Would he want to color with only one color crayon? No! There are many colors in the box!

 

Good Luck. I think it will take just one friendly neighbor kid with a cool swingset or great ideas for games and he'll forget this color bias.

 

I agree.

 

My youngest son noticed skin color difference around 6, and he asked why some people have different color skin, so we had the talk about melanin and how God made everyone with a different skin color. My dh and I are both Caucasian, but even our skin color is very different from one another. He was just curious, because he has a friend that is mixed race and it fascinated him. He never said he would not play with him, but I can see kids doing that based on differences. My middle child said he would not play with anyone who did not like the same shows he liked when he was 6, so I do not think this just applies to physical features in kids.