Using FB to notify family

[Miss Marple]

I guess I was a little naive in thinking that most people still communicate with their family through traditional means - a telephone call for emergencies. But, unfortunately, some people see FB as the way to get the message out the quickest to the most people.

 

A couple weeks ago I was speaking to my dh on the telephone late at night (he was working night shift). I opened FB on my iPad and there in front of me was a notice about his sister being hospitalized for a stroke earlier in the evening. Did her husband call his physician BIL??? NO! So dh called BIL and discovered that she is diagnosed with metastatic melanoma. And no, they didn't tell us about the melanoma on her arm 2 years ago.

 

And, they are choosing to use blogging to keep the family informed. But they didn't want to do Caringbridge...or anything that allows communication. So we get updates when we go online...or when they answer the phone. It's a little difficult because we are the caretakers of her parents (my dh's

parents) and we don't always have an answer for the questions they ask.

 

They aren't mean or reclusive. We have a decent relationship. I just have to assume that this is their way of coping and being in control and let it be.

 

I wonder if we will be seeing more of this type of activity in communication as the years go by :p

[regentrude]

I am sorry about your SIL.

 

Maybe they are trying to get the information to many people simultaneously? Some people may not want to explain over and over again about a critical health issue; it is painful and time consuming, and they may not be the kind of people who take comfort from discussing this repeatedly on the phone.

I can understand that they did not want to share about the earlier melanoma, especially since you are caretakers of her parents. I would not want my parents to worry, and they might have felt that you could feel obliged to tell them.

If I were ill, I also do not think that my DH would feel the need to notify my sister who is a physician- it would probably not even occur to him, since she is not my treating doctor.

[Parrothead]

I get that people want to only have to say it once - twice at the most. But since you and dh are the ones who take care of her parents, there needs to be more traditional communication with the parents. Either directly or through you and your dh.

 

I think it is just bizarre that people don't take elderly parents feelings into consideration. Especially if they know said parents don't frequent message boards, blogs, and social media.

 

My mother and I don't always get along. But the last thing I'm going to do is have dh notify her through FB that I'm dying. That is just too cold in my opinion.

[Farrar]

I think in a crisis, some people tend to ask for help and consult everyone. Other people tend to become a sort of fortress and get in control of everything. It sounds like this is their way of coping. And I think many people use FB to convey information quickly. It doesn't bother me or offend me, though when it's a close relative, you do expect to hear more personally usually.

 

I'm sorry about your sil.

[KungFuPanda]

 

I think we have to give families under duress an easier way to do things. I broke the news about my son's Muscular Dystrophy diagnosis to everyone individually. I relived that initial diagnosis with EVERY conversation AND was burdened with the emotions of the person I was talking to. I had to be concerned about THEM too. If I had it to do over, I would do it over Facebook even if it made people think less of me. Be happy for them that they have a tool to make life a bit easier and the sense of self-preservation to use it. Don't make their tragedy about you. You can turn off a computer when it's too much. You have to finish a face-to-face conversation. Some people, even extroverts like me, NEED to grieve and process in private.

[Whereneverever]

 

I think we have to give families under duress an easier way to do things. I broke the news about my son's Muscular Dystrophy diagnosis to everyone individually. I relived that initial diagnosis with EVERY conversation AND was burdened with the emotions of the person I was talking to. I had to be concerned about THEM too. If I had it to do over, I would do it over Facebook even if it made people think less of me. Be happy for them that they have a tool to make life a bit easier and the sense of self-preservation to use it. Don't make their tragedy about you. You can turn off a computer when it's too much. You have to finish a face-to-face conversation. Some people, even extroverts like me, NEED to grieve and process in private.

 

This is so true. Dealing with the emotions of others on top of your own in a hard time can be overwhelming.

[Impish]

Sorry about your SIL. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

I think ppl do what's easiest for them, esp in times of crisis. Talking to ppl can be plain exhausting. Dealing w/your own emotions can be hard enough, w/out everyone else's. If you're barely hanging on...well, you do what you can.

[MomtoCandJ]

That's the only way we find out the happenings of our nieces

[JFSinIL]

Since my mil got very ill, and then passed away, all six sibs, plus a niece and an aunt, have formed a small email group. A letter to one is copied to them all. That way they all keep up-dated on how my fil is doing now.

[Desert Rat]

I'm really torn with the FB notifications. I haven't received any horrible news through FB.

 

But, when my dad died in September, I called close family. I called some dear friends of his and asked them to call certain people. I carried guilt for not being able to call every single person to notify personally. I just couldn't and I was the only one able to do the calls. My mom and brother were shattered.

 

When I got home, I got on his FB page. It was truly his ministry after he retired from the church and became home bound. And I notified everyone else that way. I never received any negative feedback from anyone because I chose this way to notify the masses. Maybe they were being polite. I don't know. I do know that at his service I had a huge poster board with all the kind words and memories of my dad. FB was his medium to keep him connected to the youth he led and the people who could no longer see. I felt it fitting that people were notified of his passing there.

 

I definitely would never have chosen that method of notifying close kin though. And I would prefer a phone call for close family. Just my 2 pennies.

[Miss Marple]

And I notified everyone else that way. I never received any negative feedback from anyone because I chose this way to notify the masses.

 

I really don't think there is anything wrong with it. For families that have been close (as we have) it was a weird way to receive the information. I know that BIL was doing what he could and he felt that was the best way to convey information to the most people in the shortest time. Unfortunately he was assuming that everyone got on FB frequently. I'm so glad I opened FB when I did and dh was able to call him.

 

I think we will see this much more in the future as more and more people become comfortable putting personal information out there.

[BlueTaelon]

I think people just don't think, I got a text when my grandma died, my step dad only got a text from a nephew that his brother was going to pass in the next day or 2, his own kids didn't bother telling him. No one even bothered to tell him when he passed for 3 weeks! Another friend found out about a death via FB rather then a call, she was pretty ticked.

[HS Mom in NC]

I think the method of communication should be chosen by the person going through the crisis or the parents of a child going through the crisis. People are just very different when it comes to these things. What's comforting and helpful to one might seem offensive to another. You can't please everyone all the time. I do think an serious effort should be made by someone close to the person going through the crisis to make sure everyone who the person in crisis wants to know is informed. If they're not on social media then a phone call is appropriate. Sometimes unintended oversights happen and the response should be understanding, compassion and empathy.

 

I have family members who are very private people and would be horrified at the thought of their medical issues being made known to anyone who doesn't absolutely have to know (including very close relatives.) Others set up CaringBridge sites to keep friends, family and acquaintances posted on all the details. Everyone's different.

 

There are times someone in crisis just doesn't want someone to know for various reasons and that has to be respected. I have a SIL who is the biggest clod and self-described expert on everything and manages to create far more stress when she's "comforting" others. No one, including her husband, tells her anything she doesn't absolutely have to know.

 

My maternal grandmother was rarely told things she didn't absolutely have to know because she was incapable of telling the difference between minor issues and major ones. Everything was a major crisis all the time and her blood pressure was off the charts. Anxiety medication made her very dizzy and at risk for falling and being bedridden. Her doctor spent years trying to keep it under control, but it eventually killed her. She stroked out and spent 3 weeks dying from it.

[KungFuPanda]

I also want to add that we cannot assume someone's FB page is "public." They could have been very selective about their friends list. They old also have set their account so that only close friends and family saw this message.

[EmilyK]

On the above point, it doesn't seem any more unprivate (if that's a word) to post something on FB as opposed to blogs or caring bridge or the like. The issue with the OP seems to be (understandably) that she is in the inner circle and found out that way.

 

This is an aside, but when my dad was dying last summer I realized that he and my mom hadn't put any thought into how to let people know what was going on. My mom got very paralyzed (again, understandably) and it was largely left to me to figure out what he would have wanted in terms of notifying people. This wouldn't work for young or middle aged people, but for older folks it would be such a blessing to have discussed before the very end who should know and how. I ended up searching for family and friends on facebook in the middle of the night while sitting with him at the hospital, because I felt that people should know, and I didn't have their phone numbers etc. My dad was ill for 3 years but somehow this issue had never seemingly occurred to them. The good news is that it led to me being reconnected to my aunt.

[NotSoObvious]

I think people just deal with things differently. Dh has five brothers and sisters, so we don't call them, or all of them, when there is a crisis. I've had things that I just don't want to have to explain ten times, so it is easier to send an email or blog post.

Sometimes FB is an "in the moment" kind of thing, too. It's not usually for super reflective, informative posts.

[rwjx2khsmj]

When my husband needed open heart surgery (total shock!) this summer I called close family and friends and then posted updates on FB. It freed me up to concentrate on him. I relied on others to reach out to him and to me by phone, text or FB message. I was surprised at how many "liked' my updates but few responded with any kind of personal response.

 

For someone dealing with a major medical event, saying it once is a blessing. However, by doing that you give up the comfort that one to one contact provides. Perhaps you could be the bigger person in this situation and make the effort to respond in a personal way. Your sil and bil might really appreciate the effort and you may be pleasantly surprised to find out how much it means.

[edelweiss]

I can see the need for distance/grieving in private but perhaps asking someone else to call/send emails might be a better choice.

 

I can see setting up a plan with everyone for fb or a blog after an initial contact but it still seems better to let close family know more directly than what is basically an announcment on a public bulletin board..

 

I can see the frustration as members of a family where everyone but us uses FB. We never hear anything until sometimes weeks later.

 

We always get the "Oh we forgot...sorry."

 

Really upsetting to find out your Dad had heart procedures done and no one thought to let you know!

 

 

 

I can identify with this. Although I can sympathize with someone wanting to notify everyone at once and not wanting to make a million phone calls, it can be hard for someone who isn't on Facebook. We don't use Facebook or any type of social media and have no intention to. It isn't a huge deal and that is certainly someone's right to notify others that way, but I hope that word gets to me somehow if someone in my family chooses to use that as the only form of notification.

[vonfirmath]

I can identify with this. Although I can sympathize with someone wanting to notify everyone at once and not wanting to make a million phone calls, it can be hard for someone who isn't on Facebook. We don't use Facebook or any type of social media and have no intention to. It isn't a huge deal and that is certainly someone's right to notify others that way, but I hope that word gets to me somehow if someone in my family chooses to use that as the only form of notification.

 

 

See, speaking from personal experience. back before Facebook, I DIDN't hear about things like my Aunt's being in the hospital for a procedure. It was very rare to know what was going on in their life. Because they aren't on Facebook, I still didn't find out when one of my cousins was pregnant with their second kid until the child was almost due. When I got pregnant with my first (pre-Facebook), I didn't go and call all the cousins to inform them. I let my parents know, his parents. Siblings. And one aunt that I happened to catch online and was live-chatting with.

 

So, absent Facebook, I didn't hear this information at all. With facebook, I am more informed.

 

If Facebook wasn't there, you might still not hear all this information that is being broadcast on Facebook. Except in end of the year Christmas letters.

[edelweiss]

 

See, speaking from personal experience. back before Facebook, I DIDN't hear about things like my Aunt's being in the hospital for a procedure. It was very rare to know what was going on in their life. Because they aren't on Facebook, I still didn't find out when one of my cousins was pregnant with their second kid until the child was almost due. When I got pregnant with my first (pre-Facebook), I didn't go and call all the cousins to inform them. I let my parents know, his parents. Siblings. And one aunt that I happened to catch online and was live-chatting with.

 

So, absent Facebook, I didn't hear this information at all. With facebook, I am more informed.

 

If Facebook wasn't there, you might still not hear all this information that is being broadcast on Facebook. Except in end of the year Christmas letters.

 

 

 

You're right. It does seem that Facebook does keep people more informed than they were pre-Facebook. I'm sure that many people love it for that reason. Personally, I am fine with doing it the old way (end of the year Christmas letters work for me!), but I just hope that people remember that we are not on Facebook if something major happens (a major illness or accident, etc.). Anything else can wait until the yearly Christmas letter. ;)

[Mom-ninja.]

Yep. A friend of mine (at least used to be) never contacted me when her dh died. I guess I could see how one would be too distraught from grief to email or call everyone, BUT then I found out that our mutual friend knew and she never contacted me. The mutual friend flew out to comfort our friend, went to the funeral along with her husband, and so forth. Yet not once did she think to email or call me and inform me that our good friend had lost her dh.

 

They were my best friends in college. The three of us were always together. We were in each other's weddings. Since having kids contact had kind of slipped to the back burners to the annual Christmas card and random email for a few years.

 

So when I emailed my friend to catch up I was slammed by hearing that her dh had died a year before and I had had no clue. That's when I found out that our mutual friend had not only known but had been there....and there it was a year later and she never once contacted me.

 

My friend said, "Oh, well of course you didn't know. You're not on FB."

 

What!? I'm sorry but I thought the death of a spouse would warrant phone calls or email at least. I guess I was wrong. I'm still hurt that I was never contacted. Basically, that just means that I was not even considered worth contacting personally....especially by the mutual friend. No excuse as to why she never contacted me. None.

[BarbecueMom]

 

 

See, speaking from personal experience. back before Facebook, I DIDN't hear about things like my Aunt's being in the hospital for a procedure. It was very rare to know what was going on in their life. Because they aren't on Facebook, I still didn't find out when one of my cousins was pregnant with their second kid until the child was almost due. When I got pregnant with my first (pre-Facebook), I didn't go and call all the cousins to inform them. I let my parents know, his parents. Siblings. And one aunt that I happened to catch online and was live-chatting with.

 

So, absent Facebook, I didn't hear this information at all. With facebook, I am more informed.

 

If Facebook wasn't there, you might still not hear all this information that is being broadcast on Facebook. Except in end of the year Christmas letters.

 

Even though I am on Facebook, we really don't share personal health information on there. I know it makes certain family members angry that we don't let them know things for their gossip feed, er, I mean, church prayer lists, but even a hospitalization is no one's business outside of our immediate family, unless we choose to share it.

[tabrizia]

I used Facebook to notify everyone after DS' accident. I called my in-laws (needed them to come watch the other kids), called my Mom (didn't get her one her phone, left a message), posted on facebook, and called my Mom again (got her thank goodness) as we rushed to the hospital. Yes I could have called my siblings and other family members, but we were in crisis mode and it was the quickest way to make sure as many people as possible who needed to know were notified. I also updated on both facebook and CaringBridge to make sure people knew what was happening as his care continued. It was far easier then trying to make sure everyone who needed to know the info was notified, and meant I could focus on DS rather then letting people know what was up with him, and I could update at 2am if that was when I had time rather then worrying about getting the people who I would want to contact at a good time for them.

[dm379]

I found out my grandmother passed away over fb. I still get upset when I think about it. It's like I wasn't worth a 2 minute phone call.

[bobbeym]

OP - I'm so sorry to hear about your SIL. I'll keep your family in my prayers.

 

Our general rule of thumb is to share important news with immediate family - parents, siblings, kids - in person or by phone. My parents have huge extended families, with a combined total of 12 living siblings and 35-40 nieces/nephews, scattered across the country. That doesn't even include the super-close family friends that we share amongst us all. I think at that volume, it's unreasonable to expect someone to contact each and every one of them individually, esp in regards to detailed or emotional information, when they have more imporant things to be focusing on.

 

We used FB to keep the families updated with my mom's medical status when she was admitted to the hospital last summer with DKA, and she uses it now as a way to keep them updated on how she's managing her Type 1 diabetes. It just simpler to post it once rather than having to repeat the same information over and over again.

 

I did find out recently that one of my cousins had kidney stones on FB b/c she had posted about an ER visit, but she emailed the extended family first to let us know she was having surgery today for them.

 

I have to say that at least my mom texted me to let me know my 14yo cousin was pregant *before* the girl posted it openly on her FB. At least it explained the weird, generic FB status and comments, that I'd read earlier in the day before I got the text. Now if only we can get her to understand that this is not something to be proud of...

[KungFuPanda]

But so much of this sounds like "In their time of crisis, why didn't they consider MY feelings? Why, when someone is distraught, don't they condider MY prefered mode of communication? Don't they think that I'M worth a phone call? I'm still hurt a year later!"

 

REALLY? They weren't thinking of you. They were afraid for their loved one's life. Like it or not, FB is what email was a decade ago. If you didn't have an email account, you missed things. Now people assume you found out on FB or from someone on FB.

 

I know people who keep ghost accounts just to stay in the loop. They don't use their real name. They never post pictures or updates, or personal info, but they CAN have key people's updates (Grandma, Aunt Lotty, etc . . .) go straight to their email or text. They use it like an email account and stay informed.

 

It is absolutely your right to not have a phone, or computer, or email, or FB, but you have to accept that people won't necessarily remember this when they're in crisis. If you DO have it, you have to accept that people will use it to communicate with you and that most people don't get hung up on who found out first.

[dlcricket]

Friends I see on Facebook are part of my daily life. I greet them often and we share the joys and stuggles and other things about our days. They stay in my mind. When someone chooses not to be on Facebook, they choose not to be part of that. I don't have a conscious list in my mind of who is not on Facebook, and sadly, they tend to fade away if they are not contacting me elsewhere.

 

Like it or not, Facebook is the way that most people choose to communicate today. I imagine, in the late 1800's, that some people said, "I do not need a telephone! If someone wants to talk to me, they can come to my house!" And, like today, it probably didn't happen often. Those with telephones received information more timely and more frequently than those who didn't. Facebook serves this purpose in today's society. Those who choose not to be on Facebook choose to limit their communication with others, both given and received.

[Miss Marple]

But so much of this sounds like "In their time of crisis, why didn't they consider MY feelings? Why, when someone is distraught, don't they condider MY prefered mode of communication? Don't they think that I'M worth a phone call? I'm still hurt a year later!"

 

I can see that you might think this, but I don't really look at it that way. I well understand the idea that using FB gets the information out there to the most people the most quickly if one makes the assumption that everyone checks their FB messages hourly. In our case, the FB message was posted about 5 hours before I found it. And I am the only sibling who has FB (the other siblings are in their 60s which may play a role). Her father is elderly and has no access to FB.

 

I guess the ideal way I see something like this playing out is to post on FB if one is really stressed/hurrying out the door, etc., then follow up with phone calls to the closest family members (of which we are one). I certainly think a parent should be notified within 8 hours of a child - no matter the age - having a life threatening incident. And it would have been much more easily done earlier than calling an 86 year old man who is using a CPAP machine to sleep at midnight. He could have been called shortly after arriving at the hospital.

 

Here's the deal (and maybe it's because I'm old): there used to be a standard of etiquette for these things esp when there are no weird issues within the family (no drunk uncle who will make a scene, no hysterical aunt, etc.) and we were a bit enslaved by that; but on the flip side I think we often give so much room to those "in crisis" that they are allowed to totally disregard all proper/kind/considerate behavior because they are they the "victim" at the time. Surely there is a balance in there somewhere???

[Miss Marple]

Those who choose not to be on Facebook choose to limit their communication with others, both given and received.

 

But this is making the assumption that all people have the ability to be on FB - that it is a choice. My FIL is in an assisted living facility, doesn't have access to the internet except in the library, and has no idea how to use a computer. It isn't always so easy as "they choose to limit their communication..."

[dlcricket]

Good point. I do keep in mind that elderly relatives and people who don't do computers need to be contacted personally in case of a crisis. However, if someone has email, I don't keep a list of those who don't have Facebook. It's not ideal, but it's reality. And, Facebook is easier than email. It's quicker, and you don't lose people who change their email addresses. No emails returned undeliverable.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But this is making the assumption that all people have the ability to be on FB - that it is a choice. My FIL is in an assisted living facility, doesn't have access to the internet except in the library, and has no idea how to use a computer. It isn't always so easy as "they choose to limit their communication..."

 

[edelweiss]

But so much of this sounds like "In their time of crisis, why didn't they consider MY feelings? Why, when someone is distraught, don't they condider MY prefered mode of communication? Don't they think that I'M worth a phone call? I'm still hurt a year later!"

 

REALLY? They weren't thinking of you. They were afraid for their loved one's life. Like it or not, FB is what email was a decade ago. If you didn't have an email account, you missed things. Now people assume you found out on FB or from someone on FB.

 

I know people who keep ghost accounts just to stay in the loop. They don't use their real name. They never post pictures or updates, or personal info, but they CAN have key people's updates (Grandma, Aunt Lotty, etc . . .) go straight to their email or text. They use it like an email account and stay informed.

 

It is absolutely your right to not have a phone, or computer, or email, or FB, but you have to accept that people won't necessarily remember this when they're in crisis. If you DO have it, you have to accept that people will use it to communicate with you and that most people don't get hung up on who found out first.

 

As someone who doesn't use Facebook, I can completely understand your point. I completely understand why someone might be too distraught to call everyone and might choose to post it to Facebook instead. Previously when I said that I hoped that word would eventually get to me, I wasn't saying that the person/family-in-crisis necessarily needed to call/email me personally. I would just hope that someone else in my family would eventually think to let us know. We haven't had to deal with anything like this yet, but I think that they would think to contact us personally. At any rate, it isn't worth it to me to join Facebook.

[sassenach]

As someone who has dealt with more than a few family medical crisises, sometimes it's just easier to say things once. And really, I didn't have any energy to think through how my chosen form of communication was going to make everyone else feel. And yes, some people will get offended, but the ones who matter have always extended a tremendous load of grace to us.