Need urgent advice. Friend got CPS called on her. What should she do?

[MiniBlondes]

Deleted for privacy purposes. Thank you all for your advice! :)

[DianeW88]

She needs to call an attorney.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

Talking to the child is legal.

 

Pot is a drug, legally speaking.

 

I think the best thing she can do is cooperate and possibly call a lawyer, but don't share that part with children and youth.

 

In my case, I had nothing to hide, and no problems cooperating or letting the kids talk to the caseworker.

 

CYS is my county is a bit of a joke.

 

Feel free to pm me.

[Mom2pandc]

Well I don't have much advice, but it is probably legal. If there is a complaint, CPS has to investigate. Not that it may be in this case, but they would interview the child alone so the parent/accused isn't there to coach or intimidate the child into answering favorably.

Based on the rest, I imagine she should find a lawyer. And start gathering doctor records if any for the absences.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

What Diane said. I'm sorry.

[Guest inoubliable]

In many states CPS can interview the child in the complaint anywhere and at any time, and must let the parent or guardian know within 24 hours after the interview. Interviews are to be recorded. In my state (and this is going only on what cases I absolutely KNOW this to be the outcome of), nothing will come of a parent testing positive for marijuana so long as the child hasn't been exposed to the drugs (think "teenager got into Dad's pot stash"), injured or abused while parent was high, or put in a situation where they would have been neglected when a parent was arrested for buying or distributing drugs.

 

She needs to call an attorney.

[SpecialClassical]

I worked in the field for a short time, and I think she needs to cooperate and do everything she can to show them that her daughter is her priority. Social workers come across some people who treat their children as possessions and are more interested in keeping them than parenting well. She needs to convey that she has her child's interests at heart, not her own.

 

She needs to look into the possibility of her parents taking care of the daughter while she moves out, if it comes to that. It is better to be proactive than have the child traumatized by a removal.

 

She should retain a lawyer with experience, if only for a consult to give her advice on how much to say. My gut says cooperate, but don't volunteer any information.

 

If she has been smoking marijuana she is breaking the law, most likely. Could she be involved in other poor behaviors? Might she be better off with Dad?

[TranquilMind]

She needs to call an attorney.

 

This, immediately. Then she needs to document whatever she can document in her favor. Did someone see the child split her lip? Can someone verify that she does not date anyone? I don't know what to do about the marijuana, but if it is legal in her state, maybe she can claim a reason for using it. Things like that.

 

Could the Ex-husband be trying to get custody? Sounds like that might be the case.

[Catwoman]

She needs an experienced attorney -- now.

 

But... and I don't know how to say this gently because I know she is your friend... but is there any chance that the accusations are true? Does she know who called CPS?

 

Based on the timeline, I would suspect that the school called when the dd showed up with a split lip, but it could be coincidence. I'm more concerned about the accusations about the men and the drugs. Where did CPS get that information? Did her child volunteer it when they interviewed her?

 

I hope your friend is innocent of all the charges of which she is being accused, but I have to admit that I'm a bit concerned that this seems to have happened so suddenly. If your friend has a vindictive ex or a neighbor who hates her, that would certainly change everything, but considering the split lip and absences from school, I can't help but wonder if it was the school that reported her and CPS acted immediately -- and in that case, the info about the men and the drugs would have most likely come from your friend's own dd.

 

Again, I hope this is all a huge misunderstanding and that it's resolved quickly, but the biggest concern has to be for the child's welfare, so that's why I'm playing the devil's advocate a bit here.

[MiniBlondes]

Deleted for privacy purposes. Thank you all for your advice! :)

[Catwoman]

This must be very difficult for you, Cori. It's not like this is a friend from your neighborhood whom you see three times a week, and know exactly how she behaves and how her dd is treated, so while you want to trust her and believe her, it's not easy to avoid little niggling doubts.

 

Let's face it, many people seem to think they're decent parents, even if they're doing many things that others might consider to be less-than-stellar -- like doing drugs or sleeping around with a lot of men or even committing crimes. They rationalize it by saying that they don't do drugs or get really drunk or have s*x in front of their kids, so it's not an issue. But CPS may not view it that way.

 

I think you're smart to be supportive of your friend, but to avoid providing her with any loopholes that might impede the CPS investigation. She may very well be 100% innocent of the accusations, but on the off-chance that she's not, she needs to be held accountable for her actions. Hey, she already admitted that she would fail a drug test and rationalized that it was "only" for marijuana, so who knows what she's not telling you, or what other information she doesn't deem relevant?

 

Sorry you're stuck dealing with this. :grouphug:

[amo_mea_filiis.]

I had a friend that could be standing there SCREAMING profanities at her kids, hitting them, but the moment the phone rang, she was a different person. :( She was comfortable enough around me that i saw and heard almost everything that had gone on. As it escalated, i decreased contact. There is an investigation now and it was long coming.

 

This is just to say that any person who only talked to this mother over the phone would never have known how bad it was.

[MiniBlondes]

Deleted for privacy purposes. Thank you all for your advice! :)

[Momling]

At least in our area, taking a child away from a family is the last in a long series of steps that CPS will go through. The case workers don't want that to happen. Drug use or neglect alone won't trigger removal. Their goal is to get the parent functional and keep the child safe, not break up families. If there is a chance that the girl isn't safe, it's good that CPS has been notified!

[Catwoman]

Okay, the update is that she went in for the test but the tester wasn't there so she has to go back at 8 am. She is currently waiting outside to get her daughter off the school bus.She said that she and her mother spoke with the CPS agent and the agent said that when they went to school that her daughter was basically silent and didn't let on to any issues. That the complaints were all from the complainant who called in.

 

She doesn't think it's her ex-husband as he has no contact with his daughter. She tells me it's his own choice.

 

Realistically, I would assume that the agents always say that, even if the kid completely ratted the parent out, so the parent doesn't take out her anger on the child.

[SunnyDays]

Hugs, Cori. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I'm sure it's a fine line between loyalty to a friend and wanting to keep the child's best interests at heart... hopefully, they both end in the same place. Hoping this all gets sorted out quickly. :grouphug:

[Izzy]

I think in that case I would be more worried about her daughter than your friend. She's already admitted to using marijuana which I assume you didn't know before. It sounds like the other allegations are probably true but she didn't tell you. She needs help and that little girl needs more than she's being given. TBH I don't know if I'd advise her to get a lawyer. What if she hires a good lawyer and everything gets pushed under the rug? Nothing has changed and her little girl is still stuck in the same environment. :(

[Harriet Vane]

I worked in the field for a short time, and I think she needs to cooperate and do everything she can to show them that her daughter is her priority. Social workers come across some people who treat their children as possessions and are more interested in keeping them than parenting well. She needs to convey that she has her child's interests at heart, not her own.

 

She needs to look into the possibility of her parents taking care of the daughter while she moves out, if it comes to that. It is better to be proactive than have the child traumatized by a removal.

 

She should retain a lawyer with experience, if only for a consult to give her advice on how much to say. My gut says cooperate, but don't volunteer any information.

 

If she has been smoking marijuana she is breaking the law, most likely. Could she be involved in other poor behaviors? Might she be better off with Dad?

:iagree:

[elfgivas]

one thing she might do is take the daughter to a pediatrician for a complete physical and tell her/him why. she will want the doctor to fill in a report of their findings. that can be used to help rule out physical abuse, and it shows parental concern for the daughter. ie. if something is going on that she doesn't know about, this would bring it to light.

 

and if she chooses not to do that after you have suggested it, that may tell you something, too.

 

sadly,

ann

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I think in that case I would be more worried about her daughter than your friend. She's already admitted to using marijuana which I assume you didn't know before. It sounds like the other allegations are probably true but she didn't tell you. She needs help and that little girl needs more than she's being given. TBH I don't know if I'd advise her to get a lawyer. What if she hires a good lawyer and everything gets pushed under the rug? Nothing has changed and her little girl is still stuck in the same environment. :(

 

Aren't even criminals entitled to legal counsel in this country? And this woman is not known to be a criminal. At this point she's only been anonymously accused. Why, even if she's guilty, should she not have legal counsel?

[Laurie4b]

You've gotten excellent advice. Friends should get an attorney, especially if there is truth to the story, and there is evidence in the marijuana use.

 

Even if all those allegations are true, honestly, it could still be kind of a borderline case for CPS. Marijuana use would not be considered a huge deal in many CPS jurisdictions. Other drugs are more troublesome. However, CPS can be unpredictable depending on where she lives. They are not supposed to take the child from the home except if absolutely necessary. If friend has been doing inappropriate things and GM knows though, it won't help if mom moves out. GM knew and didn't protect the child.

 

The allegations could be coming from a number of people since the child has already been interviewed. For instance, child comes in with a split lip, so school suspects abuse. But CPS is already contacting other people (the GM has been contacted) so the ex may have already been contacted as well. The stuff with men and drugs sounds like a vindictive ex's report to me---unless it's true. (ETA: I just read the follow-up post that said ex isn't really in the picture. Other than an ex, it could be some other person with vindictiveness. There are some neighborhoods, for instance, where neighbors pretty frequently use the "false report to CPS' to get back to someone. If it's true, I would suspect that GM or another family member is the actual reporter.)

 

If friend is innocent, she should get doctor's records (or her cancelled checks, cc charges at the doctor's, any paperwork she has to support medical care) to substantiate that the absences were due to illness.

 

If friend is not innocent, the best thing she can do is to get treatment, which shows she is making an effort to change. She should accept parenting classes offered by CPS, etc.

[Ottakee]

CPS will give the mom legal counsel if the charges are founded.

 

Are the grandparents stable and a good influence? If so, they might make mom move out and leave the child with the grandparents as that is the least disruptive for the child.

 

I honestly think the positive drug test is what is really going to hurt her.

[Ottakee]

CPS will give the mom legal counsel if the charges are founded.

 

Are the grandparents stable and a good influence? If so, they might make mom move out and leave the child with the grandparents as that is the least disruptive for the child.

 

I honestly think the positive drug test is what is really going to hurt her.

[Izzy]

 

 

Aren't even criminals entitled to legal counsel in this country? And this woman is not known to be a criminal. At this point she's only been anonymously accused. Why, even if she's guilty, should she not have legal counsel?

 

 

Sorry, I was just thinking of her daughter. We all know how good expensive lawyers can be. Hiring the best lawyer possible isn't really in the little girl's interest right now. A good lawyer would know how to circumvent the system. The best thing for the little girl is to let CPS gather information unobstructed and give the mom a lawyer once it's all done.

 

The mom is a criminal and of course has a right to a lawyer. My thoughts are just with the girl right now.

[Mergath]

I agree with the pps who said she should let CPS investigate and take whatever help they offer. I'm assuming she's living with mom and dad because she's low on money, in which case shelling out a bunch of cash for a lawyer probably isn't going to help anyone (you know, except the lawyer :rolleyes: ). And it's hard to give advice when you can't get all the facts, but from what we do know, it sounds like maybe there are some issues. Of the parents I've known, the better ones weren't living with their parents and sitting around getting high, you know?

 

Still, I really doubt CPS is going to step in and take the kid away over something relatively minor (as far as we know) but if they order her to take a parenting class or to get some kind of mental health eval, it might do some good in the end.

[Staceyshoe]

I know there are horror stories about CPS way over-stepping the bounds. I worked as a counselor for 10+ years and didn't ever personally see that. Most of them don't want extra baggage on their caseloads. They know that disgruntled family members, ex-spouses/boyfriends, etc can sometimes call just to be vindictive. They have to investigate, and my experience has been that they are mostly fair and supportive. I would advise her to cooperate with them and develop a good rapport rather than get defensive (easier said than done, I know). One possible red flag that I can see is that CPS will not like someone using marijuana while they are solely responsible for their child. Again, based upon my limited experience in another state, marijuana usage isn't usually a problem for CPS If someone else who is sober is assigned to watch the child while she is using--and if she doesn't use in front of her child. A positive drug test for marijuana doesn't necessarily spell disaster. They will probably request some follow-up action, and your friend needs to show that she is cooperating by following through with the plan. If she's supposed to go to a counselor or a parenting class, just consider it an extra source of support. Sometimes these things can be a blessing in disguise because the end result can really broaden a single parent's support network.

[SKL]

Most people who think they "kinda know me" wouldn't guess how I sometimes lose it with my children behind closed doors. Things I'm not proud of, like banging on the table and screaming last Saturday when my kids were on my last nerve. The occasional foul words or a smack somewhere other than the rear. I don't keep my internet friends apprised of these moments, IYKWIM. Few parents broadcast the real source of abusive injuries. You would be wise to remain completely neutral and just offer practical advice as if you didn't know whether or not this woman is guilty.

 

I kinda hope that this woman cooperates with CPS so that if the child is being hurt/neglected, steps can be taken to change things. If nothing else, it's a wake-up call.

[Catwoman]

One other thought -- if your friend starts crying that she has no money for an attorney, do not get sucked in to loaning her any money!

[Jean in Newcastle]

I think the best way to be a friend is to just let her vent to you. You're too far removed from the situation to be able to offer more than the most superficial advice (like getting a lawyer). There is nothing wrong with superficial advice, btw.

[MiniBlondes]

Deleted for privacy purposes. Thank you all for your advice! :)

[MiniBlondes]

Deleted for privacy purposes. Thank you all for your advice! :)

[besroma]

 

Anyway, she claims that she does use marijuana a few times a year and this time she used it over the weekend while celebrating at a birthday party with a friend. Ironically, this friend is also a friend of her ex-husband, who did not attend the party.

 

 

This makes me wonder if the friend of her ex is also a friend of his new wife, and this mutual friend talked about the party to them (or things that he/she learned at the party).

[Catwoman]

Cori, this isn't adding up.

 

Be very careful about getting too involved in this.

[QueenCat]

Cori, this isn't adding up.

 

Be very careful about getting too involved in this.

 

 

:iagree: Your friend sounds like she needs help, one way or another.

[Reya]

Marijuana does stay in the system for a long time. (I have never tried any illegal drug, but I do know that used a week or more ago can show up in drug tests!) So she could be telling the truth. Bad judgment, either way, there, and I really hope she doesn't use it in front of her kid.

 

I'm culturally American, as are most of the people who post here (or culturally Western European....), and I myself am very private about such things, but I do have to say that the idea of a child being in the same room as a TeA act being harmful is a particularly 20th century Western point of view. My husband lived in a studio apartment when his parents immigrated to the US and did not feel scarred by the exposure. And, honestly, guys...Little House in the Big Woods. One room. Trundle bed. Just because they didn't TALK about it..... Most children worldwide probably witness adult TeA pretty regularly. I'd put this in the class of bad judgment considering cultural norms rather than anything abusive. I don't know how CPS would see it.

[Joanne]

Please tell your friend that if the ex has written rights to parent his child while she is in his "possession" (sorry, but that is the legal term used), she can not dictate how/where, etc.

 

She needs to let her dd visit with her father on his terms unless restricted terms are written into the coparenting plan.

 

I agree with Cat; there is more to this story.

[Ottakee]

I do have to say that the idea of a child being in the same room as a TeA act being harmful is a particularly 20th century Western point of view. My husband lived in a studio apartment when his parents immigrated to the US and did not feel scarred by the exposure. And, honestly, guys...Little House in the Big Woods. One room. Trundle bed. Just because they didn't TALK about it..... Most children worldwide probably witness adult TeA pretty regularly. I'd put this in the class of bad judgment considering cultural norms rather than anything abusive. I don't know how CPS would see it.

 

 

But these "acts" are typically done between the parents of the child in a family setting. I don't think that CPS would be too worried about that.

 

It is more mom with various men, acts for money, acts purposely exposing the children to things, involving the children, etc. We have had kids who were made to watch various adult activites that didn't always involve consenting adults.

 

Discrete intimacy between the parents while the child is sleeping in the same room is most likely NOT what CPS is worried about.

[Reya]

But these "acts" are typically done between the parents of the child in a family setting. I don't think that CPS would be too worried about that.

 

It is more mom with various men, acts for money, acts purposely exposing the children to things, involving the children, etc. We have had kids who were made to watch various adult activites that didn't always involve consenting adults.

 

Discrete intimacy between the parents while the child is sleeping in the same room is most likely NOT what CPS is worried about.

 

Social justice POV says that any adult consensual TeA is A-ok. So I don't see social workers as a group being ok with married TeA in front of kids and not ok with boyfriend TeA. And there is no hint that there is ANYTHING involving the children or that money was in any way involved.

 

I won't have a TeA party with an INFANT in the room, not because a newborn know what's going on, but because it's the world's biggest moodkiller for me. But I'm just sayin'!

[Little Nyssa]

We had a friend whose children were removed by CPS for 10 months. The state provided both parents with their own lawyers-- although they were not the highest quality, and mom had a social worker too assigned to her.

Because our children were friends, I contacted CPS and asked if i could have the children over for playdates, and that was allowed. I would pick them up from foster family and bring them to our house or to church and then bring them back. The parents, CPS, and the foster family were all pleased that the kids had us as a resource. I also was "deputized" to be a person qualified to supervise a parental visit. The foster family would drop them off at a park or MacDonalds, and their parents would meet them there and spend some time with them, while I was there at another table to see that parents did not try to abscond with them or do anything abusive. That was more comfortable for the family than having a stranger hovering. I was just supposed to report if I saw anything bad happen, but I never did. The parents tried to cooperate and fulfil their requirements (parenting classes etc).

Like you, I was also uncomfortable with the situation because I was not sure whether abuse had been happening or not. Clearly they loved their kids, but there seemed to be some not good things happening, but I am still not sure about it. The CPS system is said to work very well where we live, so I let them get on with it while I just did these small things that I could for the family to make it just a little easier. Oh, and I also went to court with the parents just to be present and hold their hands, because those appearances were so distressing for them. They were very grateful for this at the time (I wasn't a witness or anything, just a family friend).

By the way, soon after the situation was resolved & the kids were back, the family completely cut off contact with us. I guess that they were embarrassed by the whole thing and wanted to put it behind them. I don't blame them for that, but I did do a lot for them and I wish I knew they were all right.