Janie Grace Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 I'll admit it; my kids are sheltered. Not completely ignorant, but protected. I was exposed to WAY too much, WAY too young. I am fine that my dd13 knows (from me) what s*x is, knows about homes*xuality and other things, but doesn't know a lot of the nitty-gritty about s*x acts, molestation, child p*rn, etc. I guess you could say she knows mechanics and categories but not a lot of evocative details. I am grateful that she doesn't have stuff in her brain that she really doesn't need to deal with til later. We don't have TV so there's not a lot that comes up "by accident." I guess my question is, how do you start to venture into literature that does contain more graphic references? What are good books to read/process together? My introduction to graphic s*x (around age 12) was by reading trashy, explicit romance novels while babysitting; I (of course) told no one. Because I am a much more present mother than mine was, it has been pretty easy to limit dd's exposure to books with mature content -- but as she gets older, I know this won't continue to be the case. How do you walk down this road gently, together? For me (as an avid, curious, unsupervised reader), it was a dark road I travelled alone without anyone to interpret it for/with me. I don't want that for her. Please don't lecture me on over-sheltering. If this isn't your parenting approach, fine. If you think I'm Victorian or whatever, fine. But I'd really like to hear from people who resonate with this way of approaching s*xuality and how you handled the transition into your dc reading more adult books. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NotSoObvious Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 Hey, I am right there with you. My mom thought it was completely appropriate to show me movies like Pet Cemetery, Not without My Daughter, and Sleeping with the Enemy when I was TEN years old. I had unlimited access to TV and watched a lot of Lifetime movies that involved rape and abuse. It had a big impact on my psyche growing up. I knew way too much, way too soon. I personally don't think you need to purposefully introduce things she isn't asking about/interested in. I think there will be enough movies and books that come up that she wants to see, or are required for school, which will provide opportunities for discussion with you. I think it will come on its own time. Real life provides enough of those opportunities, as well. She is old enough to be reading a newspaper/watching a bit of news. Those stories should cover a lot of bases. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted December 28, 2012 Author Share Posted December 28, 2012 Hey, I am right there with you. My mom thought it was completely appropriate to show me movies like Pet Cemetery, Not without My Daughter, and Sleeping with the Enemy when I was TEN years old. I had unlimited access to TV and watched a lot of Lifetime movies that involved rape and abuse. It had a big impact on my psyche growing up. I knew way too much, way too soon. I personally don't think you need to purposefully introduce things she isn't asking about/interested in. I think there will be enough movies and books that come up that she wants to see, or are required for school, which will provide opportunities for discussion with you. I think it will come on its own time. Real life provides enough of those opportunities, as well. She is old enough to be reading a newspaper/watching a bit of news. Those stories should cover a lot of bases. Thanks, that's helpful. I guess what I'm wondering about is how much I need to pre-screen books she picks out or are recommended to her. I don't have time to pre read everything that she wants to read (she LOVES to read). I also don't want her to have to reread the same "safe" books over and over. I wish there was a "screen-it" website for popular kids' books. Yeah... it still makes me angry how much I saw/knew at the age I did. We had the Playboy channel. Under the oh-so-mature supervision of babysitters, I saw stuff (oral s*x) when I was 6. SIX. My mom confided in me about her s*xual past when I was about the same age. I'm sure this impacts my level of caution in this area regarding my own kids. I don't want to overshelter, but I know first-hand the effects of overly casual parenting in this arena. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted December 28, 2012 Author Share Posted December 28, 2012 63 views and only one response? Does no one else think about this? Or does everyone think I'm from another planet to be concerned?... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 63 views and only one response? Does no one else think about this? Or does everyone think I'm from another planet to be concerned?... I have an 11- and 13-year-old, so I have the same concerns. And you're right, you can't preread everything, especially when you're dealing with voracious readers. If I'm wondering about particular books, movies, tv shows or games, I tend to look at Commonsensemedia. That gives parental and kids' reviews, and also gives a pretty specific overview of exactly what might cause parental concern in the content. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jrn Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 I have a 9yo and a 11yo and I too have the same concerns. They are only little once and they really do not need to grow up too soon if I can help it. I also use commonsensemedia.org or pluggedin.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 While we are more liberal in viewing and discussions, I think it's important to realize those first conversations are simply difficult. I've had some very frank discussions with ds that made me blush, not because of content necessarily, but because I was discussing it with ds. I do think it's important to pre-screen material at that age. There is a huge variance in acceptability and the range gets larger in teen/high school readings. I read a lot of reviews and even look to study guides like pink money or gradesaver for summaries. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tammyw Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 My daughter is almost 10 and I'm very protective of her. You're only a kid once, and I see no need for them to grow up faster than they already do. I read all the reviews on amazon before I make my decision to order anything. I skip to negative reviews first, and then decide what I'm comfortable with her seeing. Since your daughter is older than mine, it's obviously a bit different, but didn't want to read and not respond. Just to say - you're doing a good job mama :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nono Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 63 views and only one response? Does no one else think about this? Or does everyone think I'm from another planet to be concerned?... I can think of nothing to say! I am still attempting to get my jaw off the floor from your post immediately above this one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whitestavern Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 My dd is a voracious reader as well and I could never preread her books. I usually check commonsensemedia, although there haven't been many books she's picked out that I've told her she could not read. CSM gives an age recommendation and also the why behind it. As far as bringing up those other topics, I asked that question not so long ago on these very forums. Shortly afterwards, events in the news brought two of those topics into our conversation with our dd in a very natural way, so we just discussed it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 Another tidbit I'll add. I agree with whitestavern, sometimes you happen into these conversations quite naturally in the course of discussion. One thing I've had to do is really watch how ds responds. For myself, I have years to ponder these subjects, maybe weeks or months or years of thinking how to bring it up. I can be ready to give too many details, too much information, and not pay enough attention to his body language or comments. He may only be able to handle the topic in small amounts or only needs the basics to get my point. I do a little self-check in the course of the conversation, and try to stop when I'm veering towards information overload with ds. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 My dd is just 13 a few months ago. I still steer her away from overly explicit media. It is easier with more classic novels and movies. But like you I can't preread everything. I come here and ask opinions. I'll read what reviews I can. Commonsensemedia is a good site. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 Chucki, I'm a gonna get a migraine. You just said reviewing was too much work! LOL Anyways... I don't read much trashy smut stuff. My younger ones are mostly restricted to what is already on my shelves. So that helps. I'm trying to think of the worst my kids have read in approx middle school range... Lois Lowry's The Giver series War of the Worlds Anything by Ray Bradbury tends to be disturbingly graphic (one of the reasons I am not a fan of his) Piers Anthony on a pale horse series (some of his other stuff is way, way too graphic for ME) Many of the Greek and roman classics rather freely discuss these things in a matter of fact manner (many curricula providers have a note of caution in their lesson plans on those sections for this reason) Shakespeare has more than one tawdry scene Hunger Games Mostly we listen to the radio or ocassionally the tv and discuss things as they come up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I.Dup. Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 I am very protective of what dd reads for the same reasons. We were reading "Julie" or "Julie of the Wolves" together and in one scene a boy pushes her down on the floor, and it describes french kissing in rather graphic detail. This was when she was 8 or 9. I didn't feel she needed to know about that. :confused1: Since then I have tried to be more careful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NotSoObvious Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 I am very protective of what dd reads for the same reasons. We were reading "Julie" or "Julie of the Wolves" together and in one scene a boy pushes her down on the floor, and it describes french kissing in rather graphic detail. This was when she was 8 or 9. I didn't feel she needed to know about that. :confused1: Since then I have tried to be more careful. I had no idea that was in there!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 My 11-year-old has rejected certain books because he has come across bad langauge in them! One example was in the book Cheaper by the Dozen (the original, written back in the 50s or so). I remember reading it as a kid, and had no recollection of anything crazy in that book. Turns out the FATHER in the book uses the phrase "GD" on a semi-regular basis. Well I didn't remember that, and so after a couple chapters my son told me he couldn't finish the book because it was bothering him. Now he's 11 so i said fine, I just assigned him a different book. If he were in highschool I would've made him finish it. As a family we don't often use bad language, just the occasional unexpected injury or whatever might prompt that. But on the other hand it isn't something that we've had to talk much about, I'm more likely to get on my kids about calling each other "idiot" or "stupid" than anything resembling traditional bad language. So I was a little taken aback when he rejected the book. And I had really liked the book as a kid, and told my son so before he read it. So now I'm wondering does he think I was a juvenile delinquent? haha. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted December 29, 2012 Share Posted December 29, 2012 Good job on wanting to protect her. I think there is a difference from knowing what various things are and your values about them (what is OK/not OK before marriage, never Ok, etc) and reading about them in an erotic type setting in a book. I too read stuff that I never should have read in middle and highschool. I was a huge reader and my mom never monitored what I read as she was not a huge reader and I honestly don't think it ever crossed her mind. I would explain to your daughter how to handle situations that might come up in her reading and life in general. You might explain to her that those books do NOT protray real life and that once you read those things, it is hard to get them out of your mind..............better to never let them get there. Maybe tell her that if she comes across anything questionable to show you so you can decide to go over it with her, have her stop reading it, explain, etc. (depending on what exactly it is) Just knowing that she is not terrible from coming across these things (I have been surprised more than once as an adult in a book I thought was "safe") and that she can bring them to you/discuss it with you without getting in trouble will go a long ways. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted December 29, 2012 Author Share Posted December 29, 2012 Thanks for the input, everyone. This has been really helpful. I was unaware of commonsensemedia and some of the other sites mentioned here. I'll be bookmarking this thread for sure, as a reference. I want to pre-read as much as I can, but I don't want to hold her back as a book-lover. I think these will be some good tools. I also like the idea of asking here (if a certain book has questionable content). I'm grateful for your understanding of my desire to protect her mind. Sometimes I wonder if I'm overreacting to my background/early exposure, but I guess I'd rather err on the side of being too careful. Here's a question... if a teen continues to be "innocent" in terms of her personal experience (ie, doesn't have s*xual contact w guys), it is inevitable that her knowledge of s*x will surpass her personal experience. How do you know when she's ready for that? (I was a virgin til I was married in my young 20s. I was also an English major. I read about a LOT that I hadn't experienced. I don't remember that being shocking/disturbing since I was exposed to so much so young. But I wonder if it might have been, were I more sheltered as a kid.) Does anyone have experience with this? That is, crossing that threshold to reading about stuff you haven't experienced? How did you/your teen deal with that? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted December 29, 2012 Author Share Posted December 29, 2012 Good job on wanting to protect her. I think there is a difference from knowing what various things are and your values about them (what is OK/not OK before marriage, never Ok, etc) and reading about them in an erotic type setting in a book. I too read stuff that I never should have read in middle and highschool. I was a huge reader and my mom never monitored what I read as she was not a huge reader and I honestly don't think it ever crossed her mind. I would explain to your daughter how to handle situations that might come up in her reading and life in general. You might explain to her that those books do NOT protray real life and that once you read those things, it is hard to get them out of your mind..............better to never let them get there. Maybe tell her that if she comes across anything questionable to show you so you can decide to go over it with her, have her stop reading it, explain, etc. (depending on what exactly it is) Just knowing that she is not terrible from coming across these things (I have been surprised more than once as an adult in a book I thought was "safe") and that she can bring them to you/discuss it with you without getting in trouble will go a long ways. Thank you. This is really good. I love the idea of talking about questionable content before it comes up, and what to do if/when she comes across it. The part about her not getting in trouble is so important... I never want to associate this with shame on her part. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted December 29, 2012 Author Share Posted December 29, 2012 I can think of nothing to say! I am still attempting to get my jaw off the floor from your post immediately above this one. I know, it's crazy. Now that I'm a parent, I cannot believe what I was exposed to as a first-grader. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melinda in VT Posted December 29, 2012 Share Posted December 29, 2012 Here's a question... if a teen continues to be "innocent" in terms of her personal experience (ie, doesn't have s*xual contact w guys), it is inevitable that her knowledge of s*x will surpass her personal experience. How do you know when she's ready for that? (I was a virgin til I was married in my young 20s. I was also an English major. I read about a LOT that I hadn't experienced. I don't remember that being shocking/disturbing since I was exposed to so much so young. But I wonder if it might have been, were I more sheltered as a kid.) Does anyone have experience with this? That is, crossing that threshold to reading about stuff you haven't experienced? How did you/your teen deal with that? This was me. Very personally innocent; heavy reader. My parents didn't preread or screen my reading at all. What they (mostly my mom) *did* do was emphasize the importance of sexual purity and morality and encourage me to screen my own reading and to stop reading something if I started to feel uncomfortable. I can remember stumbling across my dad's copy of Amityville Horror when I was seven, picking it up and starting to read. It made me very uncomfortable, so I mentioned to my mom how I was feeling and what I was reading, and she encouraged me to stop reading. What I felt comfortable with just naturally expanded as I grew older. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted December 29, 2012 Share Posted December 29, 2012 Here's a question... if a teen continues to be "innocent" in terms of her personal experience (ie, doesn't have s*xual contact w guys), it is inevitable that her knowledge of s*x will surpass her personal experience. How do you know when she's ready for that? (I was a virgin til I was married in my young 20s. I was also an English major. I read about a LOT that I hadn't experienced. I don't remember that being shocking/disturbing since I was exposed to so much so young. But I wonder if it might have been, were I more sheltered as a kid.) Does anyone have experience with this? That is, crossing that threshold to reading about stuff you haven't experienced? How did you/your teen deal with that? I think it depends on how it is presented. For example, erotica is going to come across vastly differently than a book on Christian intimacy and marriage. Are they going to encourage her what to look for in a good husband or give her false ideals of men or what relationships look like? As she matures and gets out "in the world" a bit more I do think that you need to cover more than just the mechanics. While not overwhelming her she will need to know some slang and what it means, what certain inuendos mean, etc. Also teach her how to handle people who are explicit in their conversation, etc. I remember hearding a "dirty" joke when I was younger and not understanding it but my mom didn't explain to me what it meant, etc. and that could have been a great teachable moment. Hard things but the more open your lines of communication the better things will be. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wonderchica Posted December 29, 2012 Share Posted December 29, 2012 Here's a question... if a teen continues to be "innocent" in terms of her personal experience (ie, doesn't have s*xual contact w guys), it is inevitable that her knowledge of s*x will surpass her personal experience. Does anyone have experience with this? That is, crossing that threshold to reading about stuff you haven't experienced? How did you/your teen deal with that? Personally, I can't imagine having sex without having knowledge of it first, ya know? Reading about (not necessarily in erotic novels) and discussing aspects of sex prior to having it seems logical and educational to me. Sure, it might make her uncomfortable, but I think it would be more uncomfortable on her wedding night if she hasn't read or talked about it. Discussing the mechanicals/biology of it doesn't exactly prepare one for the experience itself. I think we can be too overprotective and make things more upsetting in the long run sometimes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
woolybear Posted December 29, 2012 Share Posted December 29, 2012 Hmmm......not sure what to say on this. I have a 12 yo son. He was slow in learning to read (close to 10 1/2 when it really started to get easier/more fun for him). I wanted to let him just read what he wanted because it was such a hard won skill for him. Now he reads a lot and goes to the library on his own occasionally. I can't screen everything and I don't want to let him pick out a book at the library only to have me tell him he can't read it. I do know there's a lot in books that I would rather he didn't read yet. He is quite innocent as well. So, no advice, just listening in here and thinking this over.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
misty.warden Posted December 29, 2012 Share Posted December 29, 2012 I agree about making sure to at least balance content so that children don't have unrealistic expectations of future relationships or events in the world. In a perfect world, my ds will meet a girl far far in the future who has read similar books on Christian marriage and intimacy and not the smut I grew up on, but I wrestle with sheltering a child and having them find a world that is far darker than they ever imagined or exposing them to serious issues in fiction before they hear about it happening to a friend and don't understand what happened. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DianeW88 Posted December 29, 2012 Share Posted December 29, 2012 Thanks for the input, everyone. This has been really helpful. I was unaware of commonsensemedia and some of the other sites mentioned here. I'll be bookmarking this thread for sure, as a reference. I want to pre-read as much as I can, but I don't want to hold her back as a book-lover. I think these will be some good tools. I also like the idea of asking here (if a certain book has questionable content). I'm grateful for your understanding of my desire to protect her mind. Sometimes I wonder if I'm overreacting to my background/early exposure, but I guess I'd rather err on the side of being too careful. Here's a question... if a teen continues to be "innocent" in terms of her personal experience (ie, doesn't have s*xual contact w guys), it is inevitable that her knowledge of s*x will surpass her personal experience. How do you know when she's ready for that? (I was a virgin til I was married in my young 20s. I was also an English major. I read about a LOT that I hadn't experienced. I don't remember that being shocking/disturbing since I was exposed to so much so young. But I wonder if it might have been, were I more sheltered as a kid.) Does anyone have experience with this? That is, crossing that threshold to reading about stuff you haven't experienced? How did you/your teen deal with that? Well, my college roomies and I had to explain the nitty gritty details of sex to our other roomie shortly before she got married at 23. She had been sheltered just a little too much, and when we filled her in on some details...it was pretty traumatic for her. Now these "details" were all hearsay to us as well, since we hadn't actually "partaken of the fruit" ourselves, so to speak, so we asked one of my roommate's moms to fill us in on the particulars. That was a great conversation! She was so uninhibited, and she made us all very comfortable. I still remember her saying, "Now girls, this is important. Men are VERY proud of their appendage, so you can't laugh or look afraid when you see one up close and personal for the first time. But I'm telling you now...it's ugly. Just prepare yourself and act enthusiastic anyway." We laughed hysterically, and it became a running joke for all of us. To this day, in fact. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ElaineJ Posted December 29, 2012 Share Posted December 29, 2012 One of my guiding principles is that I want violence to remain horrific. I don't want violent and abusive acts to start to seem "normal" or " ho hum, that happens". Yes, we live in a world awash in violence, but we should all retain the inner knowledge that it is not the way things are meant to be and retain, if possible, an instinctive sense of horror and grief that such things take place. Given that, I pay the closest attention not just to the blow by blow description of what is portrayed but to the context of the story, the characters response to the acts described, and the ultimate effect they are shown to have on the movement of the plot and the lives of those involved. Elaine Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mumto2 Posted December 29, 2012 Share Posted December 29, 2012 I had to laugh at Dianes post! Back when I was newly married when one of the women who worked in my department had a concern-- she had been married a year and no babies. After a very delicate conversation it was discovered that neither party knew where babies came from or how. Obviously they figured it out because she was expecting within a couple of months! Just wanted to add that both husband and wife had professional degrees and were at least in their mid 20's. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted December 29, 2012 Share Posted December 29, 2012 Hmmm......not sure what to say on this. I have a 12 yo son. He was slow in learning to read (close to 10 1/2 when it really started to get easier/more fun for him). I wanted to let him just read what he wanted because it was such a hard won skill for him. Now he reads a lot and goes to the library on his own occasionally. I can't screen everything and I don't want to let him pick out a book at the library only to have me tell him he can't read it. I do know there's a lot in books that I would rather he didn't read yet. He is quite innocent as well. So, no advice, just listening in here and thinking this over.... As a newly minted teen, I see no problem whatsoever with sitting them down and discussing what is appropriate and what is not and letting them know that I still make a veto if I feel something is inappropriate. Because that's what mamas get to do. :) Some of the teen and young adult stuff is way way worse than anything I would get for adult reading, so I would not presume at all that just because he is checking something out of the "safer" areas that it's tame. I don't read everything they checkout, but I do take a quick look at it, read the jackets, get a general sense of it and make a snap decision. Sometimes I feel iffy and will tell them I want to read that one first, sometimes I'm more experienced and just know certain topics or phrases are a heads up that I don't want them reading it and I say so. It gets easier as the older ones get older. I have found they are far stricter than me when it comes to their younger siblings reading choices. LOL and I defer to them on that because maybe they pick up on things that adults don't. So it's not so difficult as if I had to screen for 10 at this point. Maybe once or twice a year I have to say no or let me read it first. ETA: also, part of my discussion with them is that whatever they bring into our home is something they are exposing their younger siblings to as well. Being an example to follow is something they need to consider. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted December 29, 2012 Author Share Posted December 29, 2012 I had to laugh at Dianes post! Back when I was newly married when one of the women who worked in my department had a concern-- she had been married a year and no babies. After a very delicate conversation it was discovered that neither party knew where babies came from or how. Obviously they figured it out because she was expecting within a couple of months! Just wanted to add that both husband and wife had professional degrees and were at least in their mid 20's. Wait, what!?! They had been married a year and never made TeA??? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dmmetler Posted December 29, 2012 Share Posted December 29, 2012 I had similar experiences, but I'm also realizing that, with a voracious reader, I can't pre-read/prevent everything. What I CAN do is make sure my DD understands how to pick good books. So far, I think I've been lucky in that things like the Hunger Games and Twilight (which have a lot of the older girls at our homeschool co-op buzzing) have been able to be managed by picking up the book in the library, opening to a random page, and reading a few paragraphs together-which gets a "Why would they want to read/watch THAT??!!???" reaction. I do restrict TV viewing, but really, that's more to avoid the Disney Brattitude than to avoid the Lifetime TV movie of the week-and some of the History/National Geographic Channel type stuff is probably more explicit than Lifetime. Realistically, DD reads mythology avidly, in multiple versions. She also read the Bible early (something that I hadn't realized until she was SO excited about there being a dragon in the bible, therefore Dragons are real...It took me a bit to realize that she was reading Revelations). There's not much in popular fiction that she hasn't already seen through classic literature, whether she realizes it or not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted December 29, 2012 Author Share Posted December 29, 2012 Now these "details" were all hearsay to us as well, since we hadn't actually "partaken of the fruit" ourselves, so to speak, so we asked one of my roommate's moms to fill us in on the particulars. That was a great conversation! She was so uninhibited, and she made us all very comfortable. I still remember her saying, "Now girls, this is important. Men are VERY proud of their appendage, so you can't laugh or look afraid when you see one up close and personal for the first time. But I'm telling you now...it's ugly. Just prepare yourself and act enthusiastic anyway." We laughed hysterically, and it became a running joke for all of us. To this day, in fact. Now THAT is good advice! :rofl: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dmmetler Posted December 29, 2012 Share Posted December 29, 2012 I agree about making sure to at least balance content so that children don't have unrealistic expectations of future relationships or events in the world. In a perfect world, my ds will meet a girl far far in the future who has read similar books on Christian marriage and intimacy and not the smut I grew up on, but I wrestle with sheltering a child and having them find a world that is far darker than they ever imagined or exposing them to serious issues in fiction before they hear about it happening to a friend and don't understand what happened. I think YA literature has gotten a lot darker. I got my first introduction to TeA from Judy Blume and books like Forever-which I would prefer DD to not read until she is a lot older than I was (to this day, I wonder why my Elementary School librarian didn't direct me OUT of that section once I moved beyond Superfudge and into "Then Again, Maybe I Won't" as a 1st grader!), but, for the most part, the books that were considered "Extreme" at the time really weren't-they were biological and dealt with topics that parents might not want to talk about, but they were generally healthy relationships-just maybe ill-timed ones. Even the romance novels were mostly women fantasizing about a perfect partner-maybe out of order, but for the most part, they ended with a ring on the finger, a house in the suburbs, and a baby on the way (or whatever the equivalent was in the historical setting of the time). Now, it seems like everything in the teen section of the Scholastic book orders we get each month in our Homeschool co-op is rape, dystopia, drug addiction, prostitution, and all quite graphic. And often mixed with violence. I really wonder-by the time I was in college, I was pretty much of the mindset that TeA was this wonderful, life-changing thing that made you a woman, and was going to be perfect and sunshine and daisies and happy little red-cheeked babies (and that you couldn't, ever, even CONSIDER having TeA until you were ready to have a baby, because even with TeA cosies, you would probably get pregnant or catch a serious STD, but getting married made it OK). I really wonder if DD's generation is going to grow up with the mindset that TeA is something you might as well do now, because you're going to die painfully in the next chapter anyway, or that TeA is just a form of violence. It scares me a little. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mumto2 Posted December 29, 2012 Share Posted December 29, 2012 Wait, what!?! They had been married a year and never made TeA??? Did not even know what TeA was!!! Boggles the brain but true. Not sure what they had read for pleasure. Both had technical type degrees, highly religious backgrounds, from farm country. I couldn't belive that they didn't know, but when she was pregnant shortly after kind of confirmed that there was no fertility problem. Believe me I had wondered if she was having a huge joke on us but never any indication or more discussion. I guess we answered her question Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom-ninja. Posted December 29, 2012 Share Posted December 29, 2012 Did not even know what TeA was!!! Boggles the brain but true. Not sure what they had read for pleasure. Both had technical type degrees, highly religious backgrounds, from farm country. I couldn't belive that they didn't know, but when she was pregnant shortly after kind of confirmed that there was no fertility problem. Believe me I had wondered if she was having a huge joke on us but never any indication or more discussion. I guess we answered her question Wouldn't instinct just kind of lead you there? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dmmetler Posted December 29, 2012 Share Posted December 29, 2012 How did they grow up in Farm country and not have some really obvious examples? I've ended up doing much of DD's TeA education just because of frequent trips to the zoo-and we're not actively breeding animals here. (Well, except for the frogs, who seem to not realize that they're too young, that it's the wrong season of the year, and that every single book and website say that it's difficult to get conditions right for Leopard frogs to breed in captivity. No eggs yet-but that's NOT for lack of trying on their parts!). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
misty.warden Posted December 29, 2012 Share Posted December 29, 2012 I think YA literature has gotten a lot darker. I got my first introduction to TeA from Judy Blume and books like Forever-which I would prefer DD to not read until she is a lot older than I was (to this day, I wonder why my Elementary School librarian didn't direct me OUT of that section once I moved beyond Superfudge and into "Then Again, Maybe I Won't" as a 1st grader!), but, for the most part, the books that were considered "Extreme" at the time really weren't-they were biological and dealt with topics that parents might not want to talk about, but they were generally healthy relationships-just maybe ill-timed ones. Even the romance novels were mostly women fantasizing about a perfect partner-maybe out of order, but for the most part, they ended with a ring on the finger, a house in the suburbs, and a baby on the way (or whatever the equivalent was in the historical setting of the time). Now, it seems like everything in the teen section of the Scholastic book orders we get each month in our Homeschool co-op is rape, dystopia, drug addiction, prostitution, and all quite graphic. And often mixed with violence. I really wonder-by the time I was in college, I was pretty much of the mindset that TeA was this wonderful, life-changing thing that made you a woman, and was going to be perfect and sunshine and daisies and happy little red-cheeked babies (and that you couldn't, ever, even CONSIDER having TeA until you were ready to have a baby, because even with TeA cosies, you would probably get pregnant or catch a serious STD, but getting married made it OK). I really wonder if DD's generation is going to grow up with the mindset that TeA is something you might as well do now, because you're going to die painfully in the next chapter anyway, or that TeA is just a form of violence. It scares me a little. This is the unrealistic expectation I'm worried about, it's a beautiful fantasy but what if your partner doesn't share it? Everyone has a history and just because you're married doesn't mean the TeA is going to be "sunshine and daisies" or that your partner (who may or may not have used a TeA cosy with someone previous to your meeting) won't have expectations of what kind of biscuits are appropriate for TeA time and you've never heard of them so is that "normal" or is the uncomfortable feeling because you're not into that flavor and never will be? The "just get it over with because the world could end tomorrow" attitude I can deal with, I've survived so many ends of the Earth I feel like I could teach Douglas Adams a thing or two. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I.Dup. Posted December 29, 2012 Share Posted December 29, 2012 I really wonder-by the time I was in college, I was pretty much of the mindset that TeA was this wonderful, life-changing thing that made you a woman, and was going to be perfect and sunshine and daisies and happy little red-cheeked babies (and that you couldn't, ever, even CONSIDER having TeA until you were ready to have a baby, because even with TeA cosies, you would probably get pregnant or catch a serious STD, but getting married made it OK). I really wonder if DD's generation is going to grow up with the mindset that TeA is something you might as well do now, because you're going to die painfully in the next chapter anyway, or that TeA is just a form of violence. It scares me a little. I don't know what generation you are, but what I bolded is more along the lines of the attitude I grew up with. It was definitely "get it over with as soon as possible because everyone else is and don't you want to be part of the club?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I.Dup. Posted December 29, 2012 Share Posted December 29, 2012 Also, I don't know why so much is made of teA. I wish it wasn't. I do think it absolutely creates unrealistic expectations and pressures kids in so many ways. It's not sunshine and daisies, it won't make you into a totally different person, it won't save you or rescue you or change your life in wonderful ways. You may get a disease and be traumatized, but I've never heard of teA rescuing someone or changing their life in wonderful ways, and that seems to be the impression that young people get. I can't believe I just said "young people." I feel like a southern Baptist pastor. :p Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.