Sahamamama Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 I took my nearly 8 year old daughter to a new (for her) dentist this morning. It was the first time either of us met him, but my husband has been going to him for about a year. The dental assistant took my daughter to get x-rayed, and the dentist turned to me and said, "You can go out to the waiting room, she'll be okay. It's good for her confidence." I said, "No, thanks, I'll just wait right here. She's expecting me to be here when she gets back from x-rays." He said, "We have three year olds come back here on their own, it's good for kids. It's good for their confidence." I didn't say anything. She came back from x-ray and he said to my daughter, "Say good-bye to your mom, she's going to wait out in the waiting area." My daughter was surprised, and I felt thrown out. It caught me off guard, so I went out. I would not do this again. What I should have done -- what I wish I had done -- was walk out of the practice altogether, saying, "First, I don't want your parenting advice, and second, if you have a policy of not allowing a parent to stay with a 7 year old, this is not where we want to be." When my daughter came out from getting her teeth cleaned, she was visibly shaken. Now I don't know what to think. Was she upset because she expected me to stay with her? Did he do something? I have no idea, truly. I did question her further in the van, because she was uncharacteristically quiet and "quivery." She says (and still says) that he did not touch her inappropriately, she was just lonely because I left the room. Sigh. All this to say, if your instincts tell you to stay with your child, don't let the dentist or pediatrician fluster you. Is this a trend? We have never had a peditrician, optometrist, or dentist tell a parent to leave the room in the past. As I think about it, I realize that my basic parenting model is that -- since they are 5, 5, and 7 -- I am the basis of their confidence, not what they can do on their own with strangers when they are three years old. Duh. My husband and I are THERE for them in every way, but the girls DO have plenty they handle on "their own" -- with a parent present. What's wrong with that? Today felt like a clash of parenting models in the dentist's office, and because it was his turf, I caved. But she is my precious child, so I shouldn't have. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalmia Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 Our pediatric dentist encourages us to stay in the room. To your dentist, I would have said, "The purpose of dental visits is not to build a child's confidence, but to care for her teeth. Let's go in together and focus on that." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalmia Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 Oh FYI, probably this discussion should be on the chat board. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 It would bother me. You're not being weird. I'd be highly offended if anyone invited me to leave continually. I'm the mom. I'm paying you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Petrichor Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 I agree with pervious posters, but I would urge you to not put the idea into your children's head that they may have been inappropriately touched. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrookValley. Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 Yes, it would bother me. A lot. In what bizzaro world is that ok? I mean, if the child and myself knew the dentist and was perfectly comfortable with it, or wanted it, ok fine. But who insists to a parent that they leave their 8-year old alone with someone they've just met, professional or not? I'd call and complain and tell them exactly why you will not be using their practice again. I'd also encourage my husband to switch, just on principle. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loowit Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 We left a dental practice that didn't let me go back with my children, and found one that was much more family friendly. We recently had to switch due to insurance changes and I am not thrilled but they are the only one that will take our insurance. When we went recently for both DSs to get fillings I brought my mom so that we could have one with each boy. When my older DS went back the dental assistant told us that he (9 yo) would be fine. I went my my littlest and told mom they would be out to get her soon. I wasn't back there 2 minutes and they went to get her. My older DS has sensory integration disorder and really struggles with the dental appointments. He needed someone with him, and they figured it out. I was just next door and if they hadn't sent for my mom I would have gone in on my own. I have learned I have to be assertive, which is not my strength, for my children and advocate for them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SorrelZG Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 Gah! I hate it when I get caught off guard and then end up saying or doing something (or not saying and doing something) that I regret once I've had time think. It feels like it happens whenever I'm caught off guard and that frustrates me about myself. I really appreciate this post and the responses because it's giving me an opportunity to think about such a situation in advance so, if something like it happens to me, I'll be more likely to be prepared. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sahamamama Posted December 3, 2012 Author Share Posted December 3, 2012 Oh FYI, probably this discussion should be on the chat board. Blush. New to the new, KWIM? The old General was the Chat. Sorry. How do I move it? Anyway, there was something about this morning that bothered me more than things usually do. It's so uncharacteristic of me to feel flustered into dropping my parenting convictions. Not sure what gear slipped. I called the dentist just five minutes ago, and said that I would like to give him what I hope would be some constructive feedback on this morning's visit with my daughter. I told him that I felt manipulated out of the room, after I had clearly stated that I wanted to stay. I told him that his mention of other three year olds and "it's good for their confidence" -- all that was parenting advice, and I wasn't there for that, I was there for dental advice (which I didn't feel I'd gotten). I said that I left the room against my habit and better judgment and against my daughter's expectations, and that she was upset because I had left her there with a stranger she had only met five minutes before. I wouldn't do it again, and I wanted him to know that I didn't like being made to feel uncomfortable for wanting to stay with my seven year old. He apologized profusely, he really did. He said, "You're right, that really was parenting instead of dentistry." He did mention that they were taught in dental school to try to get the parents out of the room if at all possible. I told him that he could disregard that portion of his training with our family, because I would not be leaving the room again with any of my minor children, unless I was certain the child was completely comfortable with that arrangement -- not because a dentist we had just met urged me to leave. He again apologized profusely. Then we discussed the dental issue that remained unresolved -- he simply said, "I don't know why that tooth is like that ??????" -- and referred us to a specialist. Sigh. So we talked about that a bit. I'm glad I called him. I've never taken a doctor to task before (okay, I did once years ago, now that I think about it), but I wanted to give that feedback from this parent's POV. What do you think? How do I move this thread? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StartingOver Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 I would not ever use a dentist that didn't allow me to stay with my children. No way in H...e... double, you know what. Our dentists encourages parents to stay in the room. Even the procedure room has a full glass wall and a waiting room outside so we can see everything even if the kids have to be put under. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trillian Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 Our pediatric dentist not only doesn't encourage me to leave, but when DS was 3, he had to be put under general anesthesia and he had me stay (not the usual) until he was fully under because DS was obviously uncomfortable. I would be fine with him going back now, but DS likes me to go, so I do. Also, if any work needs to be done/approved, I'm right there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 I read your update and think you handled the situation perfectly. Good for you!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forget-Me-Not Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 Blush. New to the new, KWIM? The old General was the Chat. Sorry. How do I move it? Anyway, there was something about this morning that bothered me more than things usually do. It's so uncharacteristic of me to feel flustered into dropping my parenting convictions. Not sure what gear slipped. I called the dentist just five minutes ago, and said that I would like to give him what I hope would be some constructive feedback on this morning's visit with my daughter. I told him that I felt manipulated out of the room, after I had clearly stated that I wanted to stay. I told him that his mention of other three year olds and "it's good for their confidence" -- all that was parenting advice, and I wasn't there for that, I was there for dental advice (which I didn't feel I'd gotten). I said that I left the room against my habit and better judgment and against my daughter's expectations, and that she was upset because I had left her there with a stranger she had only met five minutes before. I wouldn't do it again, and I wanted him to know that I didn't like being made to feel uncomfortable for wanting to stay with my seven year old. He apologized profusely, he really did. He said, "You're right, that really was parenting instead of dentistry." He did mention that they were taught in dental school to try to get the parents out of the room if at all possible. I told him that he could disregard that portion of his training with our family, because I would not be leaving the room again with any of my minor children, unless I was certain the child was completely comfortable with that arrangement -- not because a dentist we had just met urged me to leave. He again apologized profusely. Then we discussed the dental issue that remained unresolved -- he simply said, "I don't know why that tooth is like that ??????" -- and referred us to a specialist. Sigh. So we talked about that a bit. I'm glad I called him. I've never taken a doctor to task before (okay, I did once years ago, now that I think about it), but I wanted to give that feedback from this parent's POV. What do you think? How do I move this thread? Good for you mama! Was that hard to do? I think I would have been shaking during that whole conversation, even though it took place on the phone! In answer to your original question, yes, that would bother me very much. In fact we purposely go to a ped dentist that allows/encourages parents to stay with their kids. Even the x-ray booths are encased in clear glass so the kids and parents can see each other the whole time, and they have chairs right next to the exam tables for the parents to sit :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MarinesWife Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 Good for you! In the last year couple years i have stood up more. I always had beat myself up before. A doctor here said some rude things to me in a waiting room and that pushed me over the edge. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ali in OR Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 I have two different experiences with this type of situation. Both are actually fine with me now. Our pediatric dentist allows parents back with kids. The "treatment" room is one large space with about 5 or 6 different stations for kiddos. There is enough room for parents to sit near their kids. It's an awesome set-up for multiple kids--they all get cleaned at once and the dentist goes from chair to chair checking them at the end. I always go back with my disabled dd and am actively holding her and advising the dental assistant. I do feel like I provide a useful service being there and the dentist is very friendly and answers all of my questions/concerns. Our other experience is with the orthodontist. The practice policy is that parents do not go back with their kids, though they have called me back 2 or 3 times when there is something new that I need to know about. This is with my youngest dd who got her braces on just after turning 9. The set-up in back is similar to the dentist's--a big space with maybe 5 chairs all lined up for patients. The techs and orthodontist can just move from patient to patient. I can see how parents in the room would be in the way and slow them down. I have also been pleasantly surprised by how my dd has handled it all. She takes full responsibility for her braces. I never have to remind her to put on her headgear--she just does it. She is much better about brushing now than she ever was before braces. Is it just because she handles the appointments on her own? Can't say for sure, but it is all working out well for us to have her go back on her own. I would never assume that a dentist's reasons for wanting parents in the waiting room is inappropriate. If it's important to you for young children, disabled children, or other issues, just explain that. And it's not harmful to think about how to help your children handle more and more on their own as they get older. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chickenpatty Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 Yes, it would have bothered me! With our dentist, I can stay in the room for normal cleanings, fillings, etc... The only times I have been asked to leave were when one of my dds was little and was having the little piece of skin b/w her lip & gums snipped & stitched. They explained that the blood from that procedure sometimes freaks out the parents. The other time was when my ds was little and had root canals. But the rooms were very open (no doors), and I felt comfortable about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kitten18 Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 I read your update and think you handled the situation perfectly. Good for you!!! I agree, you did GREAT! :thumbup: I have read a lot online about dentists and ped. dentists that don't let parents come back with their kids. We've been to two different ped. dentists, an orthodontist, and a regular (family) dentist and I've always been allowed/encouraged to stay with the kids. I'm pretty sure that's standard practice where I live. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momtoamiracle Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 I wouldn't have beenhappy with that situation, especially since it was her very first visit. our pediatric dentist does encourage the parent to stay in the waiting room, after several visits where the parent is in the room. Also, the exam room is right by the waiting room, there is no hallway, the door is uusually open and you hear everything that goes on. My son is very comfortable with the situation so I'm ok with it. If he ever was not I would insist on being with him. Our dentist is very big on the children being extremely comfortable in the environment. He does no exams until they are. glad you called and the dentist was apologetic. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
applethyme Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 I don't think your dentist handled this well. As for parents in the room or not it seems to be an individual choice. Our pediatric dentist practice lets parents of the 5 and under crowd in the room but after age 5 parents don't go back. They are very clear this is their policy and at first I wasn't sure if I would like it or not. It works well for my children. Both of dentists are awesome and I love the hygenists. My children cry when we leave. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 I think is is totally awesome that you told him how you feel, didn't apologize for it, and that he DID apologize and shared what he had been taught and then listened to your response. I thought he was a jerk until I read your second post, and then I thought, "Wow, how awesome that he didn't argue with her but listened to her and apologized." You go girl. You did the right thing!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 What do you think? How do I move this thread? What do I think? That dentists need to start learning to have a parent in the room. Truly it is a liability issue. You don't separate parents from children always expect the children to tell the truth. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ScoutTN Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 Yes it would bother me and he was way out of line. Glad you followed up. Good for you, for him and likely for many of his other patients! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nmoira Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 Our pediatric dentist allows parents back with kids. The "treatment" room is one large space with about 5 or 6 different stations for kiddos. There is enough room for parents to sit near their kids. It's an awesome set-up for multiple kids--they all get cleaned at once and the dentist goes from chair to chair checking them at the end. I always go back with my disabled dd and am actively holding her and advising the dental assistant. I do feel like I provide a useful service being there and the dentist is very friendly and answers all of my questions/concerns. Our kids might go to the same practice. :) I love our practice, the open floor plan, the non-coercive atmosphere, the Tuesday therapy dog (my never-still-for-a-moment 8yo didn't move a muscle during her appointment last week because the dog had "fallen asleep" on her and she didn't wish to disturb it). Because I was traumatized as a child by an experience with a dentist (he didn't believe me when I told him the anaesthetic hadn't taken full effect), I would never allow my child to be taken to a place I could not at least observe what was going on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karen in CO Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 There are many dentists like this, but not all. I know better now to ask up front. I go in with my kids. The rooms at our current dentist's office are like closets and I barely have space to stand, but they never tell me to leave and never make me feel like I'm in the way. I think what they did is awful. Exactly. Our pediatric dentist is great about this. I always stay and have never felt pushed to leave. Last cleaning my girls had appointments at the same time scheduled in adjacent rooms so that I could stand between and go back and forth. There is a chair in the corner of each tiny room for a parent. The procedure room where they do fillings is bigger and has a more comfy chair. What they did was WRONG. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 I took my nearly 8 year old daughter to a new (for her) dentist this morning. It was the first time either of us met him, but my husband has been going to him for about a year. The dental assistant took my daughter to get x-rayed, and the dentist turned to me and said, "You can go out to the waiting room, she'll be okay. It's good for her confidence." I said, "No, thanks, I'll just wait right here. She's expecting me to be here when she gets back from x-rays." He said, "We have three year olds come back here on their own, it's good for kids. It's good for their confidence." I didn't say anything. She came back from x-ray and he said to my daughter, "Say good-bye to your mom, she's going to wait out in the waiting area." My daughter was surprised, and I felt thrown out. It caught me off guard, so I went out. I would not do this again. What I should have done -- what I wish I had done -- was walk out of the practice altogether, saying, "First, I don't want your parenting advice, and second, if you have a policy of not allowing a parent to stay with a 7 year old, this is not where we want to be." When my daughter came out from getting her teeth cleaned, she was visibly shaken. Now I don't know what to think. Was she upset because she expected me to stay with her? Did he do something? I have no idea, truly. I did question her further in the van, because she was uncharacteristically quiet and "quivery." She says (and still says) that he did not touch her inappropriately, she was just lonely because I left the room. Sigh. All this to say, if your instincts tell you to stay with your child, don't let the dentist or pediatrician fluster you. Is this a trend? We have never had a peditrician, optometrist, or dentist tell a parent to leave the room in the past. As I think about it, I realize that my basic parenting model is that -- since they are 5, 5, and 7 -- I am the basis of their confidence, not what they can do on their own with strangers when they are three years old. Duh. My husband and I are THERE for them in every way, but the girls DO have plenty they handle on "their own" -- with a parent present. What's wrong with that? Today felt like a clash of parenting models in the dentist's office, and because it was his turf, I caved. But she is my precious child, so I shouldn't have. I left my highly rated pediatric dentist when he began this policy. We had already been there a couple of times. They attempted to pry my crying TWO YEAR old out of my arms, stating all the same garbage you heard today. I refused. I went back with him, though they did force me to look through a window. They took the kids away down a long hallway in this practice; it wasn't as if they were right next door and visible. The woman at the front desk kind of ridiculed me, asking me how I was possibly going to send him off to preschool, where all kids were alone all day. I told her I was not going to do that; that I had a better plan for him that being raised by someone else all day every day (well, she annoyed me). Next time, I made sure to call to make it very clear that this was a nonnegotiable item for me; I would be going back with my two year old. He was kind of clingy during that time period and I was not going to traumatize him as they attempted to do before. I worded this all very nicely and professionally, of course. Long story short: Office said no. That it was nonnegotiable for them. Parents were not allowed to stay with their children, even toddlers. I said goodbye and never looked back. We found another pediatric dentist who was great and she invites you back, even with teens! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hoot Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 Our dentist does this, too, but I believe on a first visit they allow particularly concerned kids/parents to come back together and look around. At our dentist's office the rooms are open, connected and there are no doors. There are also cameras in each room. DH and I have also been going to our dentist for quite awhile. I've seen parents go back and sit in the Ortho waiting room when their kids go back to the regular rooms simply because you can see the kids from there. I do know that they also make exceptions and will definitely come out and get mom or dad if a child is having a really rough time. According to the dentists/hygenists, most kids make less of a production when the parents aren't in the room simply because the kids often pick up on mom or dad's anxiety. I have never been concerned, however, in your situation I think I would have been quite upset. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SebastianCat Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 Our pediatric dentist allows parents back with kids. The "treatment" room is one large space with about 5 or 6 different stations for kiddos. There is enough room for parents to sit near their kids. It's an awesome set-up for multiple kids--they all get cleaned at once and the dentist goes from chair to chair checking them at the end. I always go back with my disabled dd and am actively holding her and advising the dental assistant. I do feel like I provide a useful service being there and the dentist is very friendly and answers all of my questions/concerns. Our other experience is with the orthodontist. The practice policy is that parents do not go back with their kids, though they have called me back 2 or 3 times when there is something new that I need to know about. This is with my youngest dd who got her braces on just after turning 9. The set-up in back is similar to the dentist's--a big space with maybe 5 chairs all lined up for patients. The techs and orthodontist can just move from patient to patient. I can see how parents in the room would be in the way and slow them down. I have also been pleasantly surprised by how my dd has handled it all. She takes full responsibility for her braces. I never have to remind her to put on her headgear--she just does it. She is much better about brushing now than she ever was before braces. Is it just because she handles the appointments on her own? Can't say for sure, but it is all working out well for us to have her go back on her own. We have the exact same situation. Our pediatric dentist has one large area with about 6 chairs and multiple kids can get cleanings at the same time. It was great for my DD, who was VERY aprehensive at cleanings until she was about 6 or 7 years old. I could sit right next to her and hold her hand, while DS got his cleaning in the next chair. It was also encouraging to DD to have DS there "being brave." My DS also got braces on when he was 9, and has gone back to the treatment area at the orthodontist office by himself ever since he got the braces. They have also called me back a couple of times to show me something new. DS just walked back by himself for the first appointment, like that's exactly what he was supposed to do. It helps that we already knew our orthodontist from church, he's an outgoing kid, and isn't generally anxious about those sorts of things. By the time my DD is ready for braces, which is still at least a year or two down the road, I think she'll be fine going back on her own. She's gotten much better with cleanings at the dentist's office in the past year or two. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
staceyobu Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 Good for you for calling him on it. Good for him for manning up and apologizing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
besroma Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 I think it is great that you called him. I am glad he apologized. I agree that he should not have asked you to leave. On a recent dentist visit, a dental hygienist was ridiculing people who travel long distances to go to the dentist. I replied that it was understandable, as good dentists are difficult to find, especially for children. When I told her that I did the same thing when the only dentist office in town refused to allow parents back with children of any age, she proceeded to "educate" me on the rationale and justification of this policy. She stated that, "Children obey better when their parents aren't around." When I said, "That is not true of mine," she continued to try to convince me of all the reasons it was better. It was amusing because I was not asking her opinion, and she clearly did not understand that we would leave the practice if I were asked to leave my child. Another trend I am noticing is in doctors' offices. The front office staff will often state that that the parent and young child can come back with the child with an appointment, but the rest of the children would need to stay in the waiting room. With the tv on. Showing national news. Or Dr. Phil. When I asked the doctor about it, the doctor said I could bring the others back. I did have one doctor say that he would not make an exception, meaning DH would have to take time off to watch the other children, or I would need to hire a babysitter, if I did not want to leave my other children in the waiting room during the appointment. Their policy is so strict that only the parent and the child with the appointment can be in the room with the doctor. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 I doubt he did anything "seriously" wrong, but was probably direct and not as gentle as some other dentists. Most people are uncomfortable having someone watching them work - but then some kids react more if their parent is around. not saying your child is one of those, but be aware that it happens so many dentists will attempt to forestall it by having the parent somewhere else. next time you set up an appointment, ask first. with my older kids, it was never an issue - they didn't have a problem, even when they were three. with dudeling having major anxiety, me NOT being there was a big problem and I had to put my foot down that I was staying. He's now 7yo and does okay with me in the next room (it's not like it's "roomy" in there), but the dentist's office is fairly open with only half-walls dividing the "cubicles". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 This was a common enough practice where we used to live that I asked about any policies regarding parents in the room before ever scheduling an appointment with our new dentist. You should have been informed before you ever went back with your DD if the office does not allow parents in the treatment area or even if it's just this particular dentist's preference. I don't think there's anything sinister or suspect about instituting such a policy, but parents should know about it ahead of time so they can find another dentist if they choose. I would imagine very few people would have walked out of the office at the point where the dentist and his assistant tried to shame you into leaving the room. The place for informing you of that expectation is when you made the appointment or at the very least when you first checked in. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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