Tess in the Burbs Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 I have noticed that often older people will say what is on their mind more openly. Negative comments about people(looks, lifestyle, anything) and laugh and carry on about it. If I were to even consider speaking so openly I imagine I would have a small circle of friends, if any! grandma in law called last night and I returned her call. She went on and on about her daughter, my MIL. How she cheated her, etc. It's not the first time. MIL is not a generous person and they are in a rough place so I imagine she's digging for any penny she can get. I just sat silent while grandma in law spoke knowing nothing I said would put me in a good light. *sigh* She went to get her toes done with the same daughter (my MIL) that day...so she's all nice to her, but calls me to gossip about it. :-( Why do they think that is ok??? MIL doesn't call us often but I warned dh about the conversation and how I said nothing until his grandma started getting to things relating to our family directly. Just.In.Case she goes gossiping to MIL about the conversation and all the horrible things I said, lol!!! And she actually thought we were coming on Thanksgiving. We haven't traveled but once in our marriage to any family's house and after that first year we set down a rule for ourselves. We don't travel on holidays. Come to us. But we will not go to you or your crazy! I gotta stop being nice and calling her back.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 I would never engage in her gossip. I would never, ever add a single word to it. Mmmmhmmm, aaaah, oh, etc. That's all I'd say. If the woman was younger I may be more upfront about how you feel about gossip, but at her age she will never change. So I would just try to move the subject along as quickly as possible to something NOT considered gossip. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tess in the Burbs Posted November 20, 2012 Author Share Posted November 20, 2012 I learned a long time ago that if she's talking about her own family that way she's talking about me/dh/kids as well. I just don't see why old people think they can get away with being so direct just b/c they are old. Some do it b/c they know no one will tell them they are out of place! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BearWallowSchool Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 I agree with not engaging with the gossip, but maybe since she is talking about her own daughter she doesn't consider it to be gossip? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twigs Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 I have noticed that often older people will say what is on their mind more openly. .... I'm pretty sure this can be caused by changes in the brain - losing some of the inhibition ability we sometimes take for granted. Best wishes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lllll Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 ..... :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ILiveInFlipFlops Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 I'm pretty sure this can be caused by changes in the brain - losing some of the inhibition ability we sometimes take for granted. Best wishes. Agreeing. My mom has worked with a lot of senior citizens, and she says that at some point, they just lose their filters for that sort of thing. I've also heard it said, and found it to be true of the older people I know, that whatever your personality was like when you were younger, it is magnified when you are older. I'm trying hard to change some things about myself for that reason. My grandmothers are making their children's lives miserable, and I never never never want to do that my kids! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 I'm pretty sure this can be caused by changes in the brain - losing some of the inhibition ability we sometimes take for granted. Best wishes. Yes, this. They say what is on their mind because they've lost their filter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hoot Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 I was literally thinking this morning about posting a very similar question. In my situation, it's not so much gossip but just blatently saying whatever comes to mind with no regard of anyone else. For instance, my grandmother has no issue with greeting someone with, "MY G*D, you've gained weight!" or "you look terrible. What's wrong with you?" :ohmy: It seems like more often than not, I meet elderly people who have dirrhea of the mouth like that. They just seem to have no concern that they are saying things that *normal* people with a bit of common courtesy would never say out loud. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 I give old people a pass on this. I wouldn't engage beyond "uh huh, yep, alright, you don't say", but yeah past a certain age you get to be more obnoxious. LOL I think it sometimes comes down to them not caring as much about what people think of their honesty, and not having much else going on in their life so it's something to get excited about. Agreeing with Wendy. Don't engage, but she probably can't help it. It seems that the older we get our ability to self-censor goes way down. My MIL is getting this way - although not really gossiping, she'll say stuff about her grandkids that is very critical- she never used to do that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stripe Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 I think old people have less of a filter PLUS they don't realize how many times they've said the exact same thing. My grandma opens EVERY SINGLE conversation about a woman who married into the extended family by mentioning how big she is, in a way that suggests that photos show her as being slim. She also ALWAYS refers to a friend of hers by ethnic background instead of her name. I've met this lady's sister and she'sa close friend of hers, so... :lol: I really find it a bit bizarre. But I know she thinks she is being really open-minded with her interracial friendships! This is every single conversation. She also generally wants to discuss my mother in great detail. :lol: I think she is just really bored and has almost nothing to think about. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nono Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 Esp. if this woman thought you were coming for Thanksgiving and there were no plans, she's likely having some dementia issues. My guess is that she's wishing she could see you and mixing up her fantasy with reality. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happyhomemaker Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 I realized 2 things about my grandmother when she started gossiping more. 1) She lost her filter, like others have mentioned. 2) She usually told me stuff about other family members after I asked her how she was doing. I realized that in her mind she was answering my question. She is worried about aunt's weight gain, cousin's divorce proceedings, etc and to her those things are what's going on with *her* life. She wasn't purposely going around speaking ill of people to be mean. She was just telling others her concerns and cares, and those concerns and cares are usually about other family members. I'm not saying she is right to do this. I just think that's the way she thinks about what she's doing. So I smile and nod appropriately and change the subject when I can. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
K&Rs Mom Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 2) She usually told me stuff about other family members after I asked her how she was doing. I realized that in her mind she was answering my question. She is worried about aunt's weight gain, cousin's divorce proceedings, etc and to her those things are what's going on with *her* life. She wasn't purposely going around speaking ill of people to be mean. She was just telling others her concerns and cares, and those concerns and cares are usually about other family members. I'm not saying she is right to do this. I just think that's the way she thinks about what she's doing. So I smile and nod appropriately and change the subject when I can. This makes sense in the context of my elderly relatives too - they don't have much "news" going on in their own lives anymore, so much more time & energy available to pay attention to everyone else's news, and plenty of time to talk about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Georgiana Daniels Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 I give old people a pass on this. I wouldn't engage beyond "uh huh, yep, alright, you don't say", but yeah past a certain age you get to be more obnoxious. LOL I think it sometimes comes down to them not caring as much about what people think of their honesty, and not having much else going on in their life so it's something to get excited about. This. It's been my observation that once you get to be a certain age, you stop caring what other people think. You've spent your life tiptoeing around the opinions of others and now it's your time to say what you really think. Doesn't make it right, but I've noticed this in some. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs_JWM Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 Remember in Gone with the Wind when Scarlett watches all the old ladies at the Wilkes's BBQ belching and saying whatever they wanted to? That looks like fun some days... ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kitten18 Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 I realized 2 things about my grandmother when she started gossiping more. 1) She lost her filter, like others have mentioned. 2) She usually told me stuff about other family members after I asked her how she was doing. I realized that in her mind she was answering my question. She is worried about aunt's weight gain, cousin's divorce proceedings, etc and to her those things are what's going on with *her* life. She wasn't purposely going around speaking ill of people to be mean. She was just telling others her concerns and cares, and those concerns and cares are usually about other family members. I'm not saying she is right to do this. I just think that's the way she thinks about what she's doing. So I smile and nod appropriately and change the subject when I can. I think you're exactly right! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tess in the Burbs Posted November 20, 2012 Author Share Posted November 20, 2012 good advice. And I liked the idea of pulling back my self now so my future won't be me like that :thumbup: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susan in TN Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 I don't think my in-laws have ever had much of a filter. In their case, I think it comes from a belief that they don't need to examine what comes out of their mouthes as long as it's not direct cursing or vicious anger. My MIL also believes that a person needs to say whatever is on their mind at any given moment lest they get "something built up inside" and develop psychosis. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 Yes, this. They say what is on their mind because they've lost their filter. Or maybe they know they can get away with saying whatever they want, because people will think they've lost their filter. ;) Gotta love those clever old ladies!!! :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caraway Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 If it's true that one loses their filter in old age, oh man I am not looking forward to that in my MIL who already seems to lack a filter, but isn't old enough to have lost it. You and me both! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3 Only Children Posted November 22, 2012 Share Posted November 22, 2012 I have been dealing with this for years with my MIL. She doesn't mean to be unkind, she just says things before she thinks how that may come across. She does have a sense of humor though, so I can tease her about some. For instance one day after she had lost weight she said ,"I have some clothes for you. They are WAY too big for me but I think they will fit you." :001_rolleyes: And when I repeated it back to her, she realized it didn't come out right and laughed. Other times it is not so easy and I have to either quietly stick up for myself / family or just let it slide. I don't have the energy to tackle every thing she says. For my dc I have talked with them about how Grandma is getting old and not to take to heart the way she says some things and to just try to be kind. I realize that I will be in the same boat someday and hope they remember that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elizabeth in MN Posted November 22, 2012 Share Posted November 22, 2012 My Mom has a very different take on this whole issue. When Webkinz first came out, we got kinda caught up in it as a family. It was late winter/early spring and we need OUT of the house. Everyone loaded up in the car and we drove to Iowa to do a day trip of genealogy and to look at new Webkinz at a store down there. On the way back we stopped at a fancy restaurant in a retirement community. While we were sitting there we overheard a group of seniors gossiping their heads off about who was cheating on who, someone and their hip replacement surgery and so on. Mom turned to me with a smile on her face and said "Thank you so much for saving me from that" and nodded her head at the table. I did a question face and she replied "If you two hadn't come along when you did I'd be like that. My life would be empty and I'd only have other people to talk about. Instead I had a great time driving around where my great-great-great granmother was born and I can go home and play Bathtub Battles with my grandbaby online. Let's go!" We did just that! She has said repeatedly that she still has her filter, she just doesn't give a hoot. That was at the age of fity and just this week she turned sixty-eight. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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