Abbeygurl4 Posted November 13, 2012 Share Posted November 13, 2012 Dh's brother married a woman and they had a daughter. They were both pretty young and dumb and ended up divorcing after 3 years. The mom was neglectful and bil ended up with custody until she was 7 and then they had joint custody. The bil remarried and had two more dc, then the mom remarried and told the bil that the girl wasn't his but never proved it. The mom wanted to move to another state with the dd and her new dh. Bil let her go without a fight and hasn't seen her in 12 years, she is now 21. He tells people that she isn't his and no one in that entire family talks about her. She was/is a granddaughter and a niece and they never mention her. My dh and his family just shrug it off like she was never there. I just don't understand how a child can be in your life for 9 years and you just let her go. Even if it turned out that bil wasn't the bio-dad, he at least thought he was for 9 years. Is this weird to you? The reason I've been thinking about this is that she is back in our town. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Just Kate Posted November 13, 2012 Share Posted November 13, 2012 Um, yes...that is very strange. I'm not even sure what else to say, but I definitely agree with you that it is very strange. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2scouts Posted November 13, 2012 Share Posted November 13, 2012 Yes, I think that's very weird. How can they just pretend she didn't exist in the family? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lmrich Posted November 13, 2012 Share Posted November 13, 2012 :grouphug: I think there is more to the story. But I agree I would not care if there was biology there or not...I would still care and love the child. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slartibartfast Posted November 13, 2012 Share Posted November 13, 2012 Very weird. Why did he not make her prove it?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeannie in NJ Posted November 13, 2012 Share Posted November 13, 2012 I find this very sad and yes weird. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hilltop Posted November 13, 2012 Share Posted November 13, 2012 It's more sad to me than weird, but definitely not what I would consider "normal" behavior. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abbeygurl4 Posted November 13, 2012 Author Share Posted November 13, 2012 Dh's family is the weirdest family I've ever known. His parents and all 5 siblings live within 30 minutes of each other and NO ONE visits anyone. My kids refer to their grandparents as "dad's parents", never ever gramma or grampa. When we first married I invited them over quite a few times and they never referred to me by my name or anything else for that matter. I really think something is wrong with them but I can't figure it out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justLisa Posted November 13, 2012 Share Posted November 13, 2012 Wow now that IS odd. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abbeygurl4 Posted November 13, 2012 Author Share Posted November 13, 2012 Very weird. Why did he not make her prove it?? I got everything second hand, but supposedly the daughter wanted the mom's new hubby to her father and bil was fine with it. He didn't want a custody battle and had his hands full with the "new" wife and kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Cornelia Snook Posted November 13, 2012 Share Posted November 13, 2012 I'm just trying to imagine how that little girl felt! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IsabelC Posted November 13, 2012 Share Posted November 13, 2012 (edited) Poor child! Very weird. But sounds as though there's much more to it than you posted. Perhaps the true circumstances of the girl's conception were so distressing that it was easier for the man to blank it out? Edited November 13, 2012 by Hotdrink Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer3141 Posted November 13, 2012 Share Posted November 13, 2012 That sounds weird as heck to me!!! I don't know how you wipe out someone you supposedly loved for almost 10 years of your life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aggie Posted November 13, 2012 Share Posted November 13, 2012 I wonder if the new wife encouraged him to let the dd go with her new "dad" so she wouldn't be bounced between homes? Maybe it wasn't all his decision. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slartibartfast Posted November 13, 2012 Share Posted November 13, 2012 Dh's family is the weirdest family I've ever known. His parents and all 5 siblings live within 30 minutes of each other and NO ONE visits anyone. My kids refer to their grandparents as "dad's parents", never ever gramma or grampa. When we first married I invited them over quite a few times and they never referred to me by my name or anything else for that matter. I really think something is wrong with them but I can't figure it out. Woa, they sound crazy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abbeygurl4 Posted November 13, 2012 Author Share Posted November 13, 2012 Poor child! But sounds as though there's much more to it than you posted. Perhaps the true circumstances of the girl's conception were so distressing that it was easier for the man to blank it out? I honestly don't think there was too much more to the story. Dh's family is very dysfunctional. His sister got divorced when her daughters were 7 and 9, the husband got custody. She took a job in a state 10 hours away and I was the only one who told her that was a bad idea if she wanted a relationship with her daughters. She was gone for 3 years and now her ex rarely lets her see her daughters. The daughters ACTUALLY don't want to see her. I can't even imagine. On top of all that ..... THE GRANDPARENTS .... my inlaws, have NEVER tried to see them! I'm pretty sure that grandparents have visitation rights but these people could care less. How are these people so detached from their children and grandchildren???!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truscifi Posted November 13, 2012 Share Posted November 13, 2012 I'm just trying to imagine how that little girl felt! :iagree: Poor kid. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abbeygurl4 Posted November 13, 2012 Author Share Posted November 13, 2012 I wonder if the new wife encouraged him to let the dd go with her new "dad" so she wouldn't be bounced between homes? Maybe it wasn't all his decision. Maybe, but the "new" dad didn't last long, 2 years I think. The mom is on marriage #5. I have two grandkids and I would want to visit them no matter who they lived with or called "dad". You know? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elizabeth in MN Posted November 13, 2012 Share Posted November 13, 2012 If it were my family first there would be a DNA test and no matter the outcome there would have been a heck of a custody battle. If the courts found in favor of the birth mother the whole family would be moving to an undisclosed non-extraditing country. Then again, we only stay connected via Facebook because we're all so far apart. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kitten18 Posted November 13, 2012 Share Posted November 13, 2012 I honestly don't think there was too much more to the story. Dh's family is very dysfunctional. His sister got divorced when her daughters were 7 and 9, the husband got custody. She took a job in a state 10 hours away and I was the only one who told her that was a bad idea if she wanted a relationship with her daughters. She was gone for 3 years and now her ex rarely lets her see her daughters. The daughters ACTUALLY don't want to see her. I can't even imagine. On top of all that ..... THE GRANDPARENTS .... my inlaws, have NEVER tried to see them! I'm pretty sure that grandparents have visitation rights but these people could care less. How are these people so detached from their children and grandchildren???!!! Wow. :001_huh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jpoy85 Posted November 13, 2012 Share Posted November 13, 2012 my brother has this similar issue with his son. They never mention my brother nor the fact he lives 10mins away from his son and that my nephews sister goes to the same school. My brother has walked away not because he doesnt love my nephew but because this battle/war is bigger than he can handle and yes that possible when you have the other side that are mean, nasty people. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted November 13, 2012 Share Posted November 13, 2012 I would bet there is a lot that you don't know about the story. That is usually the case, in my experience. He probably doesn't like to talk about it because it is painful for him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted November 13, 2012 Share Posted November 13, 2012 The entire situation sounds very odd and sad. It sounds like the whole family is pretty messed up. If I were you, I would keep my thoughts to myself and not make any attempt to contact the young woman, even though she lives nearby. I definitely don't think you should get in the middle of any of it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abbeygurl4 Posted November 13, 2012 Author Share Posted November 13, 2012 I would bet there is a lot that you don't know about the story. That is usually the case, in my experience. He probably doesn't like to talk about it because it is painful for him. It seems to be par for the whole family. No one kept in touch with the brother's daughter or the sister's 2 daughters. My in-laws were pretty .... um .... uncaring? detached? self-centered? It's mind boggling to me. Every now and then dh brings ds over to visit with his parents. When I ask ds how it went he always says "wow, I try to have a conversation with them but there's no give and take, they just talk 'at' people and it's just one-sided". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThisIsTheDay Posted November 13, 2012 Share Posted November 13, 2012 Weird to me, but I think in situations like this, it's often "easier" for the absent parent to do drop out. They can justify it somehow. And it almost seems to come easy because his family's enabled this type of behavior? Even if the child is not biologically his, I believe he is still legally the father in every state, as they were married at the time of her birth. Mom would have to go to court to prove he isn't the father. What is shocking is that no one in his family stood up for this poor kid who was abandoned by her dad.:confused: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ELITEANDLOVINGIT Posted November 13, 2012 Share Posted November 13, 2012 Hmmm, I think its easier to look from the outside and judge a situation like that. My guess is it is a deeply personal and extremely hard situation for your BIL even if he does make light of it, or doesn't talk about it at all. If I were in your shoes I'd likely pray for them both and let god handle it... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted November 13, 2012 Share Posted November 13, 2012 Dh's brother married a woman and they had a daughter. They were both pretty young and dumb and ended up divorcing after 3 years. The mom was neglectful and bil ended up with custody until she was 7 and then they had joint custody. The bil remarried and had two more dc, then the mom remarried and told the bil that the girl wasn't his but never proved it. The mom wanted to move to another state with the dd and her new dh. Bil let her go without a fight and hasn't seen her in 12 years, she is now 21. He tells people that she isn't his and no one in that entire family talks about her. She was/is a granddaughter and a niece and they never mention her. My dh and his family just shrug it off like she was never there. I just don't understand how a child can be in your life for 9 years and you just let her go. Even if it turned out that bil wasn't the bio-dad, he at least thought he was for 9 years. Is this weird to you? The reason I've been thinking about this is that she is back in our town. Yes, very weird. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jujsky Posted November 13, 2012 Share Posted November 13, 2012 Yeah, that's very weird to me. Something like that happened with my mom's friend's son. He was military, married some girl in the Philippines or Hawaii or someplace who said she was pregnant with his child. They got married, that child was totally part of the family, and one day when the child was 2 or 3, the couple got into a fight and she blurted out that the child wasn't his. They got divorced, but that child is still part of the family. The mom lets them see the boy. I can't imagine a child all of a sudden being disowned and forgotten because they're not blood. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted November 13, 2012 Share Posted November 13, 2012 weird yes. It sounds like he grabbed any excuse he could to cut off contact with the ex. If it is true the daughter wanted the step dad instead of the bio, and the mom was neglectful etc it is likely he figured it was easier to cut his losses, accept that she isn't his without checking and move on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted November 13, 2012 Share Posted November 13, 2012 I honestly don't think there was too much more to the story. Dh's family is very dysfunctional. His sister got divorced when her daughters were 7 and 9, the husband got custody. She took a job in a state 10 hours away and I was the only one who told her that was a bad idea if she wanted a relationship with her daughters. She was gone for 3 years and now her ex rarely lets her see her daughters. The daughters ACTUALLY don't want to see her. I can't even imagine. On top of all that ..... THE GRANDPARENTS .... my inlaws, have NEVER tried to see them! I'm pretty sure that grandparents have visitation rights but these people could care less. How are these people so detached from their children and grandchildren???!!! When my ex and I split he did not see the kids for the first 10 years. The kids were "introduced" to their grandparents, aunts, uncles etc on that side of the family last summer when they stayed with their dad. We split almost 12 years ago and his whole side pretended the kids never existed. No contact, no birthday or xmas cards etc. Ex didn't do any of that for the frist 6 then at least started gifts and child support but still no contact. Some families just decide they hate the ex partner so much they would rather let the kids suffer than have any contact. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
besroma Posted November 13, 2012 Share Posted November 13, 2012 Um, yes...that is very strange. I'm not even sure what else to say, but I definitely agree with you that it is very strange. :iagree: Strange AND sad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abbeygurl4 Posted November 13, 2012 Author Share Posted November 13, 2012 Even if the child is not biologically his, I believe he is still legally the father in every state, as they were married at the time of her birth. Mom would have to go to court to prove he isn't the father. What is shocking is that no one in his family stood up for this poor kid who was abandoned by her dad.:confused: He was ordered to pay child support and the money was taken out of his paycheck. Yep, not one person stood up for her. From what I observed, the father was not very loving or very attached. I believe him when he says the girl wanted the mom's new husband as her father, but what 9 year old understands a decision like that? His attitude was "fine, you don't want me then I don't want you!". Very childish imho. Her mother made things pretty messy and complicated but you don't just abandon a child whether or not they are yours biologically. And I still don't understand why they have no contact with 2 other granddaughters that live close by. The mother (of the 2 daughters) lives with her parents (the grandparents of the girls). No one in that family asks questions! I ask dh why his parents don't see them and he says he doesn't know. I had no idea what I was marrying into. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abbeygurl4 Posted November 13, 2012 Author Share Posted November 13, 2012 my brother has this similar issue with his son. They never mention my brother nor the fact he lives 10mins away from his son and that my nephews sister goes to the same school. My brother has walked away not because he doesnt love my nephew but because this battle/war is bigger than he can handle and yes that possible when you have the other side that are mean, nasty people. True, it seems like your brother is trying to do the right thing and not make life difficult for his son. This isn't an isolated incident with these people, though. They all are really dysfunctional and detached. I sometimes wonder if they would act the same about boys? Maybe because they are daughters and granddaughters? Dh said he and his brother were treated WAY better than the 3 sisters. The sisters weren't even allowed to learn to drive. Dh treated our dd different than he treated ds but I brought it to his attention and he's made an effort not to do that anymore. I think it's ingrained in that family that girls just aren't as valuable as boys. It's sad. I feel bad for all 3 of dh's sisters. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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