2 month separation from your DH, would you freak out?

[Parrothead]

 

Sorry about your headache. I'll share my drugs. :grouphug:

 

astrid

Yes, please.

[Parrothead]

To heck w/you all!

 

*I* have the secret to marital bliss!

 

And I aint sharing.

 

So all you poor deluded fools can just fumble around, HOPING to be as blissfully happy as *I* am!

 

Neener neener neener!

 

*runs like heck*

Actually I have the secret to marital bliss. And dh just came home an hour early. Dd is at dance lessons. Hubba, hubba. I'll see you all in a little while. :tongue_smilie:

 

:lol::lol::lol:

[Impish]

Actually I have the secret to marital bliss. And dh just came home an hour early. Dd is at dance lessons. Hubba, hubba. I'll see you all in a little while. :tongue_smilie:

 

:lol::lol::lol:

That aint it, ya hussy.

 

Fun, but not the secret :tongue_smilie:

[Murphy101]

Your comments weren't the ones that upset people. It was comments like these:

"I didn't get married so I could raise kids alone. Actually, I didn't get married bc I wanted to be alone in general."

 

"I have never ever appreciated being alone and having the entire family raising dumped on me. Ever. "

 

"I have a deep dislike of the concept that as long as a man is providing for his family it doesn't much matter if he is almost never actually with them."

 

"I disagree with a man being away from his family that much if he can avoid it"

 

There is the implication that a man who does those things is doing something selfish and wrong. That he is shorting his kids and family. Those are the sentiments to which people are reacting.

 

Oh I see.

Well now we know.

The problem is me.

Nevermind that I also repeatedly said that's how I feel about my marriage and what I need from my husband.

 

I don't think anyone has to feel the way we do to be happy in their marriage or that if they don't then they are lacking. ALL of that is a huge leap of assumption to thinking the worst.

[Plucky]

I'd deal. My dh spent our first anniversary deployed. It was hard. Stay busy for sure. While he's gone lose weight or start exercising to tighten your buns or any other special area. Get a makeover so when he comes back he will be doubly happy. ;)

[DarlaS]

Your comments weren't the ones that upset people. It was comments like these:

"I didn't get married so I could raise kids alone. Actually, I didn't get married bc I wanted to be alone in general."

 

"I have never ever appreciated being alone and having the entire family raising dumped on me. Ever. "

 

"I have a deep dislike of the concept that as long as a man is providing for his family it doesn't much matter if he is almost never actually with them."

 

"I disagree with a man being away from his family that much if he can avoid it"

 

There is the implication that a man who does those things is doing something selfish and wrong. That he is shorting his kids and family. Those are the sentiments to which people are reacting.

 

 

I'd like to believe a man doing those things is not doing them of his own choosing. If he did them to get away from his wife and kids, then yes, that might qualify as selfish. It's generally not a choice (deployment) and comparing it to a situation where there IS a choice is comparing apples to oranges.

 

Also, those of us who have these separations tossed at us unexpectedly, may not be mentally prepared and likely have no support system in place. It would be kind of shocking as well as lonely.

[Mrs Mungo]

I'd like to believe a man doing those things is not doing them of his own choosing. If he did them to get away from his wife and kids, then yes, that might qualify as selfish. It's generally not a choice (deployment) and comparing it to a situation where there IS a choice is comparing apples to oranges.

 

She was saying that is why she never would have married a military guy. Because serving in the military is a choice. And plenty of people do choose to go on deployments for a whole variety of reasons that are wrapped up in military culture.

 

Also, those of us who have these separations tossed at us unexpectedly, may not be mentally prepared and likely have no support system in place. It would be kind of shocking as well as lonely.

 

And those are things that military wives deal with too. A support system doesn't come with the wedding ring. It is something that you learn to build for yourself through time. Several wives could tell you that they have moved to an entirely new place and had their dh deploy almost immediately (4 weeks for us one time).

[Parrothead]

Several wives could tell you that they have moved to an entirely new place and had their dh deploy almost immediately (4 weeks for us one time).

This happened to my mom. My dad was navy. We moved to a new state and while my parents were unpacking boxes (we'd only been there a week) mom fell and dislocated her ankle. She was in a cast for 6 weeks.

 

Well, a week after the ankle incident, Daddy shipped out. Luckily I was 10 at the time and able to pitch in. A Lot.

 

I can only now imagine how that was for my mom.

[Bang!Zoom!]

I've really been thinking about my parents a lot during this time. Classic veteran overseas story, WWII and Korea and Vietnam.

 

Five kids during wartime, living all over the map-bomb shelters, air raids, no food...hardships-you know...

 

I predict my mother would straight up call me a "pansy-a**", and my Dad wouldn't have much sympathy either. It's funny how after all these years my face still gets warm to even imagine such a thing. I feel so unworthy to even entertain this sort of stuff in comparison to their lives.

 

Does that translate right in sentiment?

[SailorMom]

Being in the military is a choice, and by choosing to be a military family, we are choosing to accept deployments and absences. So - not a good example as far as choices. And - I really don't think most husbands want to be away from their families no matter what the situation is - but they are (to a certain degree) better at compartmentalizing and deciding that an absence is worth the end result.

My DH also started his career before 9/11 - it was a whole different military back then. It was perfectly normal to go years without deploying - except for maybe a couple of weeks somewhere. Now - with the military stretched so thin the guys are gone all the time. The deployment tempo has become insane. DH is Spec Ops and out of the entire Air Force he is #71 for number of days deployed in a combat zone.

Thank heavens we only have about 4 yeas left. They will offer him a huge pilot bonus - but we're not taking it. I've already told him that no amount of bribery will make me want to do this any longer than we absolutely have to.

[Murphy101]

She was saying that is why she never would have married a military guy. Because serving in the military is a choice. And plenty of people do choose to go on deployments for a whole variety of reasons that are wrapped up in military culture.

 

Yes, I did say that for ME. I said that isn't the kind of life either dh or I have ever wanted. So what? That really has nothing to do with you or any other person who chooses different. It is and was nothing more than my explanation of what we want to be happy for us.

 

And I agree the support doesn't come with the ring. Sometimes it never comes. The military has a very high divorce rate bc that life of uncertainty and separation can be really hard on families. It does take a special woman to choose it and tough it out over the long haul without feeling miserable and resentful. And not every woman is that woman. I don't think either are better. Just different. Knowing that is just part of accepting who we are and what our spouses need to be happy.

 

I have no idea why my stating that I am not that woman is offensive to you. If you are happy in your marriage, then I am truely happy for you.

[annandatje]

I know this is just par for the course for a lot of folks here, but for those that it would be unusual...how do you think it'd hit you?

 

I would go through it swimmingly .... until something broke around the house. Although I am adept at managing a household, I am not mechanically inclined. If a repair needed to be made, I would be paying full price to a handyman.

 

Since I am an introvert by nature, being partnerless for two months would not place a significant burden on me as long we could talk by phone occasionally. Whatever I had to do to handle the situation, I would do it.

[Scarlett]

Dh worked 2 hours away for 8 months and was home on weekends....sometimes ds12 and I went to the apartment with dh during the week.

 

It was brutal. Made worse by the unknown of how long it would last....waiting for our house to sell so we could move to new location.

 

I know people do it and I know marriages survive long term that way, but I do not believe it is healthy or desired.

 

2 months is doable though....knowing the end date makes me able to handle a lot.

[annandatje]

Dh worked 2 hours away for 8 months and was home on weekends....sometimes ds12 and I went to the apartment with dh during the week.

 

It was brutal. Made worse by the unknown of how long it would last....waiting for our house to sell so we could move to new location.

 

I know people do it and I know marriages survive long term that way, but I do not believe it is healthy or desired.

 

2 months is doable though....knowing the end date makes me able to handle a lot.

 

I agree that the limited timeframe makes the difference in how the experience would be perceived.

[annandatje]

We lived in separate places 1 1/2 years because the job market in our city was grim. My partner came home periodically. For one year he worked in a city 3 to 4 hours away and drove home almost every weekend. When he moved 7 hours away for six months before I graduated, we saw each only twice. After completing grad school, I moved to where he was.

[Melissa in Australia]

Wow, that sounds extended!! I'd be wanting his parents to move to Australia, or think about moving there... or something. I remember your posts.... sounds like maybe he's thinking it's time to move home :(

 

I don't know what to do or think. You know it might never happen, but he has confirmed that this is his plan. I have decided to put this in the too hard to deal with at the moment basket and deal with it if/when it happens.

[Pippen]

Edited to add - Dd7 would be very upset and I would have my hands full distracting her.

 

Once when my husband was gone my oldest would kick into his "I miss Dad" mode to the point of making me crazy. So for the next trip I loaded up with quarters and every time he uttered anything positive about me I'd hand one over. By the end of that business trip I was the "world's greatest mom". It was a fun and easy distraction.

[I.Dup.]

Being in the military is a choice, and by choosing to be a military family, we are choosing to accept deployments and absences. So - not a good example as far as choices. And - I really don't think most husbands want to be away from their families no matter what the situation is - but they are (to a certain degree) better at compartmentalizing and deciding that an absence is worth the end result.

My DH also started his career before 9/11 - it was a whole different military back then. It was perfectly normal to go years without deploying - except for maybe a couple of weeks somewhere. Now - with the military stretched so thin the guys are gone all the time. The deployment tempo has become insane. DH is Spec Ops and out of the entire Air Force he is #71 for number of days deployed in a combat zone.

Thank heavens we only have about 4 yeas left. They will offer him a huge pilot bonus - but we're not taking it. I've already told him that no amount of bribery will make me want to do this any longer than we absolutely have to.

 

I totally agree with this post. Staying in IS a choice, and it is not a choice we could stick with, and I'm glad we didn't. We were together before 9/11 and after, and the deployments were really insane after. I can't imagine how much he would have been gone in the 7 years since he got out, had he stayed in. I really don't think our marriage would have made it.

[flyingiguana]

Mine was gone 7 weeks recently, on the other side of the world teaching a class. He's also done 4 week stints teaching.

 

At first I thought it would be a big deal, but it turned out not to be. Truth is, we're usually so busy we didn't really notice he was gone most of the time.

 

It was a bigger deal when our kids were babies -- particularly when they were up all night long. When I can get my sleep though, I tend to manage ok.

 

The more recent stints have been made much easier by email and skype. At least the kids got to talk to him when he was 12 time zones away. However, he was never up to chat and had time free when I was up.

 

The worst time I had when he was gone was a severe ice storm that froze our car shut. It was taking hours to get it unglued and I had no one to watch the kids -- and I couldn't leave the 6 month old in the house screaming with only a 3 year to watch her. Couldn't very well bring her outside when it was 20 below. So, yes, there are times when another responsible entity in the household is a very big deal, but mostly it isn't.

Edited October 2, 2012 by flyingiguana

[MarinesWife]

 

 

 

Retirement means something different in the military. Most jobs don't let you retire with half your pay at 40-45 years old.

 

I caught this one statement and wanted to respond, because I hear this comment all the time. At 20 years of service, retirees actually get 40% of pay, but not extra pay. Only base pay. This is not enough to live on. It is GREAT...don't get me wrong. I'm not knocking the 40% at all. But this is not as much as people think it is. We receive basic pay, housing allowance, food allowance, once a year uniform allowance, plus healthcare. It's a great package. But retirement is only on basic pay at current rank and doesn't come close to what current total monthly pay is.

[MarinesWife]

My husband has been in the Corps for 20 years, we've been married for 16 of those. I freak out when he says he's leaving. :)

 

The dealing with it while he's gone is different from the emotions leading up to that.

 

I freak out even more now because his first deployment after we were married (which was actually .. FIVE years into the marriage .. and after 9/11!) was supposed to be for 3 months and he ended up being gone for 345 days!

 

The next deployment was 6 months and I had 3 weeks notice.

 

I think I have reasons to freak out. I am .. and am not ... looking forward to retirement, which for us will be in 4 more years.

 

So freak out all you want! Get it out of the way. :)

[Mrs Mungo]

I caught this one statement and wanted to respond, because I hear this comment all the time. At 20 years of service, retirees actually get 40% of pay, but not extra pay. Only base pay. This is not enough to live on. It is GREAT...don't get me wrong. I'm not knocking the 40% at all. But this is not as much as people think it is. We receive basic pay, housing allowance, food allowance, once a year uniform allowance, plus healthcare. It's a great package. But retirement is only on basic pay at current rank and doesn't come close to what current total monthly pay is.

 

Are you on REDUX and you all took the $30k career bonus? My dh is on high 3, so he gets 50%. If you don't take the bonus, then you still get 50%. And, yes, it's 50% of basic pay, but that's still a pretty good "retirement" for someone who can still get another (likely less stressful) job and work another 10 or 20 years. We have a WO friend who retired 3 years ago. He's done two deployments as a contractor to pay off all of the debts-cars, house, everything, and then will never have to work again unless something drastic happens.

[tammyw]

Are you on REDUX and you all took the $30k career bonus? My dh is on high 3, so he gets 50%. If you don't take the bonus, then you still get 50%. And, yes, it's 50% of basic pay, but that's still a pretty good "retirement" for someone who can still get another (likely less stressful) job and work another 10 or 20 years. We have a WO friend who retired 3 years ago. He's done two deployments as a contractor to pay off all of the debts-cars, house, everything, and then will never have to work again unless something drastic happens.

 

Yep, 50% base pay. We don't plan to live on it - we plan to save every penny towards retirement/college. I'm glad to have some good things to show for all the sacrifices made.

[airforcefamily]

We get 50% too - I didn't even know there were people who might get less than that.

[Nestof3]

I've stayed away. But I agree. Thank goodness for men who serve and thank goodness for women who do their part -- realizing it is for a season.

 

My mom was a Navy wife. She did a fantastic job. I still have letters from my dad, and I never once felt left, unloved, etc. Thank goodness for strong women.

 

I still remember my mom and her friend taking us friends camping. The dads were out to sea. It rained the whole time. My determined mom set up a canopy and made breakfast in the rain.

 

I have that same temperament. I don't like camping, but I can do what it takes. I think it helps men when they are serving to be able to depend on that.

 

QUOTE=Mrs Mungo;4361180]Your comments weren't the ones that upset people. It was comments like these:

"I didn't get married so I could raise kids alone. Actually, I didn't get married bc I wanted to be alone in general."

 

"I have never ever appreciated being alone and having the entire family raising dumped on me. Ever. "

 

"I have a deep dislike of the concept that as long as a man is providing for his family it doesn't much matter if he is almost never actually with them."

 

"I disagree with a man being away from his family that much if he can avoid it"

 

There is the implication that a man who does those things is doing something selfish and wrong. That he is shorting his kids and family. Those are the sentiments to which people are reacting.

[SheilaZ]

2 months, in a safe place with no one shooting at him and he can still call home when he wants to?

No problem at all.:D

 

But I'm used to my husband working long hours and being gone 1/4 of the year ever year...not counting deployments.

 

I just use the time to work on the stuff I want to do. I knit a lot. I hang out with friends. I rearrange the house. I read at night. We take trips on the weekend and go to the museums and odd little places. The time goes by faster than you think.

Just don't spend the two month moping and being lonely. Go out and make sone fun!

 

update:

Oops...I just read some of the other posts. Sorry, if I made any one feel inferior to not be lucky enough to be married to a serviceman. :lol: Those dress uniforms more than make up for any time apart.:001_wub:

Edited October 2, 2012 by SheilaZ