So, how much did I overreact?

[Kathryn]

Given the history, no, not an overreaction.

 

More importantly, ITA with the "warm fuzzies must be earned" statement. If you shield your children from their grandparents' true personalities, they're in for a rude awakening one day. It can be hard to process when you find out that your parent tried to make a crappy person out to be someone "warm and fuzzy."

[kristi26]

That doesn't seem like an overreaction to me(on your part.) Someone kicking shoes in frustration/anger would make me feel very unwelcome and I would not choose to spend anymore time with them at the moment.

 

Yeah...I have to agree with this. I would have been really upset. :(

[TXMomof4]

No, he doesn't drink. He has a pessimistic nature. By all accounts his father and grandfather were the same way. Dh has it but is more mellow and trying to work on it. One of my sons has it, and we are actively trying to teach him coping skills.

 

Were your inlaws so hard with your dh when he was growing up? DH sees the way his upbringing has impacted his own relationship with our kids. It still goes all over me - we will have something amazing happen and he'll want to share. We call to give good news and are slapped in the face with a scenario of how it could be better. DH will start that with the kids - something great happens and rather than rejoicing he starts about how it could be better. I call him on it, but it is hard to counteract the idea that nothing is ever good enough. Nothing is worth the big pat on the back all by itself. It has seriously affected my dh's view of himself. He will kill himself trying to be the best and if he's #2, he's a failure. Logically he knows that isn't true, but an entire lifetime of being told he's not quite good enough impacted him permanent ways. I refuse to let the origin of that behavior impact my children in the same way. Your children deserve to be loved because they are sweet grandchildren, not only loved if they are perfect.

 

We do see dh's parents - for very short periods of time. We live many, many hours away and if we see them once a year, it is good. When they begin their disapproval game I immediately remove my kids from the situation. Either a long walk, trip to the store - something so they know I am aware of their judgement and won't deal with it. We usually can survive a few days of this. More importantly, my kids know that I've got their back. I'm not going to let unrealistic expectations/priorities put them in a position to never be successful. KWIM? I'm not talking about reasonable things. I know my kids aren't perfect and need reminders. But throwing toys away because they left a block under the couch? Throwing towels on the floor because they weren't folded a towel correctly before hanging them up? Those situations are what put me over the edge. Train them - don't belittle or demean them.

 

I'm sorry you're dealing with all this. It's taken me a long time to get to the realization that MIL is just a disapproving person - nothing is ever right. It's not a personal reflection on me or mine, but I don't have to accept her disapproval or give it any value.

[Meriwether]

Is there any way you can talk with them, you and your husband, that is? Clear the air, so to speak? I know it's not a normal way of handling stuff for most people. So much gets said behind other people's backs for fear of hurting them or getting into conflict or getting hurt. I'm not great with it, either, but my suspicion is that it would solve so many problems.

 

Perhaps you could look at it this way, too--

 

Suppose your Fil wrote your post. Think of what he might have said. Maybe something like,

 

Hope I haven't overstepped. Just offering. :grouphug:

 

You haven't overstepped. :001_smile: I know they view the situation very differently. The jacket weather was 70 degrees, though. I feel they are unreasonable (and won't be reasoned with). For example, I often set out bowls of fruit for the kids to snack on. One morning, Dd9 (7 at the time) was standing next to MIL at the sink trying to make conversation. There was a small bowl of orange slices there and Dd ate one. MIL slammed the bowl on the table and told her (harshly) to sit at the table to eat. Now, I've got no problem telling the kids to only eat at the table there. Their house, their rules. But you don't need to slam bowls and speak harshly. We let the kids eat anywhere in the kitchen and dining room, the schoolroom and family room (pizza during the Amazing Race). This is an example of our bad parenting.

[Harriet Vane]

I have a dysfunctional, unhappy family of origin myself. It's not so much about one individual thing that happened, it's about the entire culture and atmosphere that is there.

 

I like what Katilac has to say. Sometimes it is appropriate to stop a relationship (and I have had to do so) and sometimes we choose a different path.

 

If your inlaws are not specifically abusive in some way, and do have a positive relationship with your kids, cutting off the relationship entirely might be too much.

 

It may be better to quietly enforce certain boundaries, and to quietly be honest with your children about why. You can have a discussion along the lines of, "Grandpa is an old man and he doesn't have as much energy as he would like. Sometimes he gets tired out and impatient. When he's having a hard time, it's best for us to give him a break." Then you head to the park or cut the visit a few hours short or whatever.

 

Don't get into big debates with them about whether or not they are acting inappropriately. Those discussions are not likely to go well. That's why I like Katilac's approach.

 

Don't get into a big discussion if you do choose to leave, whether it is cutting the visit short or whether you are taking the kids out for an hour to give everyone a break. Don't respond to the anger or impatience, and don't take an hour to leave. Just cheerfully gather everyone up and GO. Force yourself to be calm. When you return or talk on the phone next or whatever, just act normally.

 

With my own family, I have found that remaining cheerfully oblivious is often the best path. I cannot change their behavior, and long unhappy discussions get us nowhere. When someone is rude (as they OFTEN are), that's the time for me to go get busy in the kitchen or leave. It is done as if I didn't even notice.

 

When we first started doing this, it felt dishonest. However, it's actually been much better for our relationships.

 

Unfortunately, the fact that this is even necessary also means that we do not socialize with that half of the family much. Why would we, when their bad behavior is such a burden on those around them? But neither do we ostracize them entirely.

[nukeswife]

I don't think it was an over-reaction on your part. I think kicking shoes down the stairs because they aren't perfectly lined up is an over-reaction.

 

I know how difficult situations like this can be. My inlaws though getting better used to be like this. They don't like me so would never admit they might be wrong on something, once my BILs started having kids and putting their foot down about being the parent, they started to change a bit.

 

I had an issue with MIL this past 2 summers ago. My oldest was in a melancholy mood because he was missing his dog that had died that spring. We'd had her his whole life, since dh and I adopted her from the humane society about 2 years before his birth. He was just sitting on their screen porch so he wouldn't be a damper on anyone else and I knew he'd rejoin us when his mood picked up. Well she was mad he was out there went and looked at him and said "IT was just a **** dog, get over it" I was P/Od! She does like animals so wouldn't understand, so it wasn't worth arguing, luckily my dh heard her and told her that anymore comments like that and it would be a long, long time until she saw us again.

[FaithManor]

No, he doesn't drink. He has a pessimistic nature. By all accounts his father and grandfather were the same way. Dh has it but is more mellow and trying to work on it. One of my sons has it, and we are actively trying to teach him coping skills.

 

 

This would be the straw for me. If you have a son with that personality tendancy, exposing him to grandpa is going to work against you. He is on the receiving end of the negativity of someone who refuses to try. It's not going to help your son learn to cope with his own natural self. I really would not spend more than one day per year with such an individual if I was trying to train my child to deal with that same trait unless grandpa chose to change in which case, he'd be a role model.

 

We've never had this problem with grandparents - thankfully, they've all been over the moon to have their grands around - but we do have almost zero contact (maybe two or three hrs. once per year near Christmas) with dh's sister, and his brother due to the very unkind, mean, narcicisstic woman he married. His brother, by himself, is a lovely person whom I'd love to have my children pursue a relationship with but because of the wicked personality of his wife, it is not possible. What little the kids have witnessed has convinced them that "WOW, Aunt K is a horrible person!" She manages to carve out the reputation everywhere she goes unless she's with rich people - there is no low she too low to descend to in grovelling and brown nosing for her when monied people are around. :tongue_smilie:

 

Christmas - I vote just a few hours at Christmas, no more regular trips or staying over.

 

Faith

[Guest submarines]

We only see them about six times a year. It is a six hour drive so we'd like to spend the entire time with them. But we'd like for them to enjoy the kids. Of my inlaws' five kids, three will only visit their home for a few hours the day we celebrate Christmas. I don't want to do that.

 

They obviously don't enjoy your kids or probably kids in general. Why are you subjecting your children to their behaviour? It seems that you have an ideal in your mind--grandparents should enjoy their grandkids. Well, in your situation this isn't happening. You say "You'd like to spend the entire time with them", but is this the ideal talking, or is it really what you'd like to do? You need to examine this.

[celticmom]

Wow. I would have left too. And we'd be setting some clear boundaries about appropriate comments and actions before we spent any more time with them. And I would have been sorely tempted to point out to FIL that kicking the shoes down the stairs was even more childish and unacceptable than my kids not leaving them in a neat row (not to mention dangerous--what if you had tripped on them while carrying the linens downstairs!?). Kicking shoes downstairs is definitely "below standard" behavior, and he doesn't even have the excuse of being a child.

 

:iagree:This is exactly what I was thinking.

[SKL]

Someone upthread mentioned how her dad would have been if he saw grandkids' shoes like that. "Let me buy you some cooler shoes."

 

My dad would have been so tickled to see a bunch of little shoes on his landing, left just the way little kids leave them. It would have warmed his heart. Never in a million years would he kick them nastily away.

 

Maybe that is coloring my reaction, but when I kick someone's stuff out of my way (assuming I ever do that) it's the opposite of a loving act.

 

If he's going to act like a child, he needs some tough love, in my opinion. You can let him know you love and respect him, but you don't have to go over there and bend over and take more of his crap.

[Trish]

That doesn't seem like an overreaction to me(on your part.) Someone kicking shoes in frustration/anger would make me feel very unwelcome and I would not choose to spend anymore time with them at the moment.

 

Hmm. I'd be tempted to throw the in-laws' shoes out into the front yard and watch THEM not over-react.

 

All in good fun, of course!

 

For what it's worth, the "incident" is not huge -- the attitude behind it would be a much bigger deal. I'm trying to imagine how little love/respect I'd have to have for a guest in my home in order to kick their shoes down the stairs with that explanation. HINT: Not much.

 

:grouphug:

[Chris in VA]

I'm sorry they are so rigid.

People who live with so many "shoulds" that they apply to other people...ugg.

 

My mom is sorta like this. She grew up in a critical, black-and-white household. It is hard for her to be flexible in her thinking, esp when it comes to how life should be--politeness and house rules and all of that. But she's learned to not express every opinion, and she's grown more comfortable with different ways of doing things.

 

Sounds like your inlaws have this worldview, too.

 

Not to excuse them. Not at all.

 

It's very sad to me.

 

I find developing compassion for those I feel angry toward is helpful for me to let go of the anger, establish boundaries without passion, and treat them as lovingly as I can w/o compromising those boundaries.

[swellmomma]

Still completely unacceptable. Period.

 

:iagree:and for me would result in them no longer having contact with my children.

[Catwoman]

I know I won't cut them out of our lives, so now I'm stuck with angry words in our history.

 

WHY NOT???????? :confused::confused::confused:

 

It doesn't sound like your dh even wants much to do with them, and they're his parents. Why would you want to pursue a relationship with people who treat you and your children so poorly? :confused:

 

I know, it's because "they're the grandparents," but if they're mean to the kids, how is the relationship of any benefit to your kids?

 

I think you need to take a very tough stance with your in-laws -- it sounds like your dh is already trying to do this, so I hope you won't undermine him just because you have an idea in your mind that somehow, someday, these people will suddenly become the loving grandparents you'd like them to be... because they will probably never, ever change.

 

If they were my in-laws, we would be done with them. They have done nothing to earn your love or your respect -- and I don't tolerate anyone being mean to my child, no matter who it is.

[momtokea]

I don't think you overreacted. The "below standard" comment would have been the absolute final straw. If grandpa thinks his grandchildren are "below standard" I would do him a favour and never take them to see him again so he wouldn't have to put up with them.

 

I would never return. Grandpa would have to apologize and kiss my butt.

[In the Rain]

FIL (this is a paraphrase as I don't remember his exact words) said he could do better and our kids were below standard.

 

:001_huh::blink::thumbdown: It doesn't matter what his exact words were. Those sentiments are appalling! :grouphug: They are lucky you give them any relationship at all with their grandchildren.

[elfgivas]

:grouphug: i'm sorry. its tough.

 

i'm thinking that this isn't really about the shoes, its about the negative and explosive behavior of fil. what about mil? i'd spend some time the next time watching how she deals with it, or doesn't. it may help, it may not, but at least it will show you what he is expecting to happen.

 

i'd encourage you not to give up on them quite yet, but also to imagine that you can spend about 2-3 hours at a time with them, and then go to the park/for ice cream/walk the dog as a family/visit a museum or art gallery/go skating, etc, etc. maybe buy them a croquet set so that you can take the kids out to the back yard and play croquet when you need a few minutes/hour separation time.

 

i'd come up with some stock phrases and actions, and implement them every time. i'd have destinations i could take the family to. and i'd have dh take responsibility for saying and implementing them.

 

eg. "well, that was unusual" (stolen from the newsroom, right after the producer pulverized an employee's cell phone). "really? okay, kids, time to a)clear the table, b)make your beds, c) walk the dog, d) go to the park. find your shoes", and in desperation, "that's okay, fil/mil, i'll parent.... davey, its their house, their rules.... they'd like you to eat at the table. here, i'll bring the bowl". (and it might help to put the bowl on the table in the beginning, so no one forgets)

 

i'd try a half-dozen visits like that to give you all a chance to relate on the new playing field before i'd just give up. you may find if you think back that there are patterns. for some, its at meals or before or after meals. for others, its evenings, or ??? if you find a time of day/event that appears to be a trigger, you can look at what you do around those times, and alter that slightly. eg. if it turns out that cleaning up after meals produces irritation, you could make sure your kids aren't around OR you could make dmil a cup of tea and tell her you and the kids will clean up while she has tea in the living room. it might not work, but it might. you can't choose their behavior, but you can choose yours.

 

for us, we had to stop going to church with dmil, as it was only there that she felt compelled to explain to folks that our older kids weren't geneticallly related to her. she found different ways to do it, but it was unpleasant every time. we talked to her about it several times, dh corrected her in front of her friends two times more, and then the next time it happened was the last time we went to church with her.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

ann

 

ps. i do understand the desire to maintain some kind of relationship. it is about who you are as much as it is about who they aren't.

[Kirch]

The truth is, you aren't going to get him to change no matter how reasonable you are with him. I have been through a similar situation where I put up with behavior for so long, trying to be calm and rational, and just finally had enough. Boundaries exist to protect you, not make the other party happy.

 

I think you have a decision to make. Either cut off all contact, or most contact with them, or make sure you don't get into situations with them any more where they have any power over you. Like for instance, don't stay with them ever again. If it's too expensive not to stay with them, don't visit. And understand that a bully is always going to be mad at you no matter what you do.

 

I would let DH take the lead on this one. Don't remind him to visit or call or whatever. For his parents, he can take the reigns on the relationship. Talk to him about it, and make sure the 2 of you are a united front on this issue. And develop a thick skin, because you are going to need it.

 

It's not fun dealing with unreasonable family members, that much I know. But once you've had it, you've had it. :grouphug:

 

:iagree:

Two quick questions. #1/-Why are you willing to let someone treat you like this just for the sake of a "relationship?" I understand about not wanting to cut off the relationship, but standing supt for yourself and especially your kids is not only appropriate but necessary and possible. If they choose to cut off the relationship if you try, well, then I guess that's just more confirmation of their issues.

 

#2--Every time you allow their grandparents to treat your kids this way and don't do or say anything, you're sending your kids the message that it's okay for people to treat them like this. Is that really something you want your kids to learn?

 

I also totally agree with letting dh handle communication and so on with his parents.

[Hen]

I had to deal with mean, manipulating, tantruming grown-ups in my life as a child...and I figure I am done, my kids don't have to be subjected to it, I had no choice, but I won't leave my kids to grow up with that kind of emotional baggage and confusion. I have had hard times in my life as an adult, because my "crap" meter was broken and I was brought up to be a door mat to badly behaving people.

 

OP- I think by staying another hour after the incident so you wouldn't leave on a bad note was you guys kissing their as#** your actions say their bad treatment is okay by you. They will not change unless you set boundaries. Not allowing emotional abuse in your kids lives is not you being a bad person, it's you setting healthy boundaries for your kids and modeling normal and healthy behavior to them so they won't grow up to be further abused/treated badly by others.

 

I don't think you over-reacted, but you diluted your disapproval by staying longer to smooth things out.

[Pink Fairy]

You haven't overstepped. :001_smile: I know they view the situation very differently. The jacket weather was 70 degrees, though. I feel they are unreasonable (and won't be reasoned with). For example, I often set out bowls of fruit for the kids to snack on. One morning, Dd9 (7 at the time) was standing next to MIL at the sink trying to make conversation. There was a small bowl of orange slices there and Dd ate one. MIL slammed the bowl on the table and told her (harshly) to sit at the table to eat. Now, I've got no problem telling the kids to only eat at the table there. Their house, their rules. But you don't need to slam bowls and speak harshly. We let the kids eat anywhere in the kitchen and dining room, the schoolroom and family room (pizza during the Amazing Race). This is an example of our bad parenting.

 

I personally think you are under reacting. If that is how they typically interact with your kids, why are you allowing your children to be treated this way? I'm not trying to be mean or snarky or anything else, but I don't see the benefit to your kids or even to their grandparents. It's not charity to tolerate their behavior and keep coming back for more.

 

I love how Katilac dealt with her difficult relatives--I hope I remember this if I ever find myself tied to that kind of person.

[Word Nerd]

I think your in-laws are the ones who consistently over react, and I think your reaction seems rather mild considering their usual behavior.

[Guest submarines]

I personally think you are under reacting. If that is how they typically interact with your kids, why are you allowing your children to be treated this way? I'm not trying to be mean or snarky or anything else, but I don't see the benefit to your kids or even to their grandparents. It's not charity to tolerate their behavior and keep coming back for more.

 

I love how Katilac dealt with her difficult relatives--I hope I remember this if I ever find myself tied to that kind of person.

 

:iagree: Why are you allowing your children to be mistreated? Why do you make an effort to bring them into that situation?

[FO4UR]

I would not want my kids around them at all. There would be no more weekend trips from me.

 

 

I agree that their behavior is abusive. Your kids are learning that abusive behavior is accepted by adults. I think it's terribly damaging to run damage-control for them, creating the "warm-fuzzies," all the while the grandparents are modeling abusive behavior. That effectively communicates that abuse is not only accepted, it's loving. (YUCK!)

[WishboneDawn]

WHY NOT???????? :confused::confused::confused:

 

It doesn't sound like your dh even wants much to do with them, and they're his parents. Why would you want to pursue a relationship with people who treat you and your children so poorly? :confused:

 

I know, it's because "they're the grandparents," but if they're mean to the kids, how is the relationship of any benefit to your kids?

 

I think you need to take a very tough stance with your in-laws -- it sounds like your dh is already trying to do this, so I hope you won't undermine him just because you have an idea in your mind that somehow, someday, these people will suddenly become the loving grandparents you'd like them to be... because they will probably never, ever change.

 

If they were my in-laws, we would be done with them. They have done nothing to earn your love or your respect -- and I don't tolerate anyone being mean to my child, no matter who it is.

 

I had a very difficult grandmother. My parents never cut her out of my life and I'm grateful they didn't because it helped me understand the family and there were a few odd moments we shared.

 

Cutting out family is really hurtful to everyone involved. It's an action that seems to pop up here as a suggestion quite option but I really think should be an absolute last resort reserved for when kids are in danger. Cranky, pessimistic grandparents are a pain but not dangerous. They can be dealt with by fewer visits, talks with the kids on what to expect and being there to confront them when they're treating the kids badly.

[homeforthelord]

I think I would have said, "Wow, FIL. .. how ironic that you were so busy hyper-focusing on their shoes while I was downstairs doing the laundry for MIL. Because we don't come to inconvenience you, we come because we love you. I'm so glad I didn't trip over a shoe and get hurt! Hope your home owner's insurance is paid up!" Then I'd have thrown the shoes right back down the stairs, and added, "Please go pick up the shoes and bring them here, as the children had them. And then I'll be only to happen to move them out of your way."

 

I wouldn't totally cut these people off. But I would accept that they can't handle having your family there as house guests. Ever again.

[WishboneDawn]

I just want to offer some encouragement and let you know that those are not necessarily not your only two options, even if the other party refuses to discuss things and try to work them out.

 

I have experience with two close relatives like this; in the case of one, the responses were sometimes far more over the top than what you are talking about here. One relative was near my age, the other a grandparent. Neither was open to negotiation or talking things out.

 

We finally decided that, if they wouldn't talk WITH us, we would talk AT them, which meant they each heard a quick, forceful speech that basically said, "We will not let you treat us or our children without respect. If you do, we will leave right then. If you continue to do it, we will see you less."

 

And then that's what we did. We didn't give examples; we had mentioned everything countless times before, and anyway no one needs you to tell them that it's disrespectful to yell at people or throw their shoes down the stairs.

 

When we started that, one of them was suddenly willing to engage in long discussions, b/c they wanted to go on about how hurt they were, how they couldn't believe we would leave/humiliate them/keep them from the kids. Um, no, time for discussion is past. If they called right after we left, we ignored the phone.

 

Their behavior was VASTLY improved after several episodes convinced them we were serious. With the one person, we did have to go through a few times of really limiting contact - we never proclaimed we were doing this (other than the initial announcement), we just answered the phone less, accepted fewer invitations, and so on.

 

After a certain amount of time, and after they showed a good faith effort to improve, we no longer had to leave at the very first sign of trouble. Instead, I might interupt their (rude) comments and say, "I'm taking the kids to the park" and walk out the door quickly. Depending on how bad it was, I might say, "I'm not listening to this." When we returned, they had usually managed to contain themselves. If not, we would leave.

 

This can seem harsh, but it saved our relationship (and kept it a true relationship, not one of duty or endurance). Talking it out simply does not work with some people. In the case of the grandparent, his pride would absolutely not allow for any 'giving in' via a discussion, or having any mistakes pointed out.

 

I finally figured this out, and that's why we always simply left; we didn't say why then (he knew) and we never brought it up again. In his case in particular, it was much kinder to quickly end that visit and start fresh the next time. His pride kept him from talking things out, but, y'know what? I realized it was my pride that insisted that he verbally acknowledge his wrongs - he simply couldn't do that, but, when we let him save face (AND stayed strict, lol), he was willing to change his ways, and that was really the important thing.

 

We lived close by, so we could actually leave and go home each time. In your case, I would try leaving for the day first (if it's not an over the top offense). "We're going to the museum, we'll probably eat out so we won't be back till late" and then GO. You have to do it quickly, no discussion (so prep the kids). If they try to talk or ask to go or stop you, just keep moving, "No, we're going just us, and we're leaving right now, see ya."

 

That's long, but I wanted to give you specific examples of what we did. Their refusal to talk or negotiate does NOT mean you have to put up with it or quit visiting. There are other tools at your disposal. And the best part about it? Not only are we much happier with visits, but so are they. They weren't proud or pleased when they acted like jerks, but it was ingrained and they needed a strong push to change (one that let them save face).

 

:iagree:

 

I think this is one of the best posts in this thread. The grandparents sound like they lose their tempers a) when they're frustrated and b) to get their way and shut others down.

You need to be tough with them and the above advice is spot on. For your kids to see you deal with them like this would be a great example for them to store away for the future.

 

They don't sound like evil or dangerous people Meriwether, just a real pain in the backend. :D

[scrapbabe]

N/A

[Meriwether]

I just want to offer some encouragement and let you know that those are not necessarily not your only two options, even if the other party refuses to discuss things and try to work them out.

 

That's long, but I wanted to give you specific examples of what we did. Their refusal to talk or negotiate does NOT mean you have to put up with it or quit visiting. There are other tools at your disposal. And the best part about it? Not only are we much happier with visits, but so are they. They weren't proud or pleased when they acted like jerks, but it was ingrained and they needed a strong push to change (one that let them save face).

 

This post was very helpful. Thank you.

[Meriwether]

Thanks to all for responding. I've been thinking about it all day as we've been cleaning out one house and prepping the other. I think the next few visits we'll stay at SIL's house overnight. She lives less than two hours away. We can visit the inlaws for as much of the day as seems to go well.

[MamaT]

The truth is, you aren't going to get him to change no matter how reasonable you are with him. I have been through a similar situation where I put up with behavior for so long, trying to be calm and rational, and just finally had enough. Boundaries exist to protect you, not make the other party happy.

 

I think you have a decision to make. Either cut off all contact, or most contact with them, or make sure you don't get into situations with them any more where they have any power over you. Like for instance, don't stay with them ever again. If it's too expensive not to stay with them, don't visit. And understand that a bully is always going to be mad at you no matter what you do.

 

I would let DH take the lead on this one. Don't remind him to visit or call or whatever. For his parents, he can take the reigns on the relationship. Talk to him about it, and make sure the 2 of you are a united front on this issue. And develop a thick skin, because you are going to need it.

 

It's not fun dealing with unreasonable family members, that much I know. But once you've had it, you've had it. :grouphug:

 

In blue --there's a reason they only visit a few hours a year.

 

I wouldn't subject my kids to unacceptable behavior -- I would visit on Christmas.....period. Your dh can explain why if an explanation is necessary. That would be it -- end of story.

 

Your children must be considered before anyone else.

 

I think the situation you described is the straw that broke the camel's back and you acted in a way that is perfectly understandable.

 

The behavior you described by your FIL is NOT the problem.....it is a symptom of a problem. Please don't expose your kids to that.:grouphug:

 

:iagree: We have dealt with this type of behavior from my in-laws. My fil has passed, but my kids have no respect or affection for my mil. It is sad, as she is their only living grandparent. Our limit is a few hours once or twice a year. Actually, at this point it has been a year since we've been there. She is not welcome to visit here. She has only been here once in the 10 years we have lived here, but she was so mean to my kids, we said never again.

 

You have to set boundaries, and not let them treat your kids that way. When your kids are older and see things clearly, they will appreciate you standing up for them.

[Laurie4b]

I think your in-laws are the ones who consistently over react, .

:iagree:

 

What does dh think?

 

Time to draw some strong boundaries as to what is acceptable to say and do.

 

Kicking their shoes down the stairs was an angry, hostile act. I think leaving was a totally appropriate way to set a limit.

[Catwoman]

Thanks to all for responding. I've been thinking about it all day as we've been cleaning out one house and prepping the other. I think the next few visits we'll stay at SIL's house overnight. She lives less than two hours away. We can visit the inlaws for as much of the day as seems to go well.

 

If I were you, I would simply stay at a hotel. That way, you are your own boss, and can come and go as you please.

[rwjx2khsmj]

Oh my. That's different then. Not an overreaction at all. I mean, kicking the shoes and being like, they should have done it... eh, rude, but I could live with it. All that stuff? Especially calling your kids below standard? I would have left too.

:iagree:My in-laws are very much like this. Those little digs add up.

[Meriwether]

If I were you, I would simply stay at a hotel. That way, you are your own boss, and can come and go as you please.

 

My SIL is wonderful. She has a gift for hospitality, and we enjoy our time with them very much. We spend more time with them than the inlaws, so that Dh can spend more time wwith his family in a pleasant way.

[rwjx2khsmj]

:iagree: We have dealt with this type of behavior from my in-laws. My fil has passed, but my kids have no respect or affection for my mil. It is sad, as she is their only living grandparent. Our limit is a few hours once or twice a year. Actually, at this point it has been a year since we've been there. She is not welcome to visit here. She has only been here once in the 10 years we have lived here, but she was so mean to my kids, we said never again.

 

You have to set boundaries, and not let them treat your kids that way. When your kids are older and see things clearly, they will appreciate you standing up for them.

 

It's comforting to know that there are others with this kind of in-law relationship. We just spent a week with my in-laws. The plane tickets alone were outrageous and the visit was hideous. As far as I'm concerned, it was our last visit with them in their home.

[Pink Fairy]

My SIL is wonderful. She has a gift for hospitality, and we enjoy our time with them very much. We spend more time with them than the inlaws, so that Dh can spend more time wwith his family in a pleasant way.

 

I think that sounds like a great idea! :grouphug: So sorry you are saddled with such difficult family members.

[Catwoman]

My SIL is wonderful. She has a gift for hospitality, and we enjoy our time with them very much. We spend more time with them than the inlaws, so that Dh can spend more time wwith his family in a pleasant way.

 

I'm glad to hear that she's completely different from your dh's parents!

[ondreeuh]

You haven't overstepped. :001_smile: I know they view the situation very differently. The jacket weather was 70 degrees, though. I feel they are unreasonable (and won't be reasoned with). For example, I often set out bowls of fruit for the kids to snack on. One morning, Dd9 (7 at the time) was standing next to MIL at the sink trying to make conversation. There was a small bowl of orange slices there and Dd ate one. MIL slammed the bowl on the table and told her (harshly) to sit at the table to eat. Now, I've got no problem telling the kids to only eat at the table there. Their house, their rules. But you don't need to slam bowls and speak harshly. We let the kids eat anywhere in the kitchen and dining room, the schoolroom and family room (pizza during the Amazing Race). This is an example of our bad parenting.

 

This is exactly what my dad does. Flips out over the most inconsequential thing and it's all my fault for not having raised my children correctly. He really resents and despises my hyperactive 4 year old. He has flipped out when he used a paper napkin to wipe his nose instead of a tissue :001_huh: and when he fiddled with something on the table at a fast food restaurant. He glares and snaps in a really hateful voice that just hurts my heart. He thinks my kids are manipulative so he thinks it is his job to set them straight. I drew clear kboundaries but in his mind, I am 100% wrong and he is 100% right. I will never stay at his house again.

[justamouse]

This is exactly what my dad does. Flips out over the most inconsequential thing and it's all my fault for not having raised my children correctly. He really resents and despises my hyperactive 4 year old. He has flipped out when he used a paper napkin to wipe his nose instead of a tissue :001_huh: and when he fiddled with something on the table at a fast food restaurant. He glares and snaps in a really hateful voice that just hurts my heart. He thinks my kids are manipulative so he thinks it is his job to set them straight. I drew clear kboundaries but in his mind, I am 100% wrong and he is 100% right. I will never stay at his house again.

 

:grouphug:

 

That kind of snapping and yelling comes from a deep place of resentment and anger. :grouphug:

[Meriwether]

This is exactly what my dad does. Flips out over the most inconsequential thing and it's all my fault for not having raised my children correctly. He really resents and despises my hyperactive 4 year old. He has flipped out when he used a paper napkin to wipe his nose instead of a tissue :001_huh: and when he fiddled with something on the table at a fast food restaurant. He glares and snaps in a really hateful voice that just hurts my heart. He thinks my kids are manipulative so he thinks it is his job to set them straight. I drew clear kboundaries but in his mind, I am 100% wrong and he is 100% right. I will never stay at his house again.

 

:grouphug: