Another "would this comment bother you"

[Pegasus]

I've decided that a comment is bothering me much more than it should. I can usually let things roll off me but for some reason, I'm having trouble forgetting this one.

 

My DDs and I volunteered at an organization for about 18 months. It was twice a week for the first summer and then once a week after that. We considered it a commitment and rarely missed a day.

 

One day, I overheard one of the women who run the organization training a new volunteer. The volunteer was asking about how often folks usually come and the organization rep gestured to us and said that we came "sporadically."

 

I'm not proud to say that we haven't been back since. DH was already suggesting that we stop because it was such a long drive each week and the price of gas was costing us and I guess that comment just indicated to me that our consistent efforts weren't being appreciated.

 

So, would that comment have bothered you? Do I need to take a :chillpill:

 

Thanks.

[Country Mouse]

Yes, that would bother me. Then I might consider that the person using the word might not know the correct definition of "sporadic." :glare:

[elegantlion]

Yes, the comment would bother me. Whether it should or not, I don't know.

 

I would try to look at the experience of what you're getting out of it and how it's impacting the people/group/organization that you are helping, aside from one person's comment.

 

I've served in a couple of places over the years, volunteering my time and effort, only to look back and see how I was more of a placeholder than actually appreciated for my efforts. That sounds kind of self-serving, but at this point in my life I need to feel appreciated. I much prefer honest feedback to behind my back comments like, "Well at least they show up and are enthusiastic."

 

That's kind of a tangent, but that's why that comment would bother me. It would make me question if I was truly being helpful, or just a warm body that shows up "sporadically". There are a thousand things to do with spare time and resources (like gas money).

[MiniBlondes]

It would have bothered me as well.

[Caroline]

Yes, that would bother me. Then I might consider that the person using the word might not know the correct definition of "sporadic." :glare:

 

I agree that the person speaking might have misused the word sporadic. People do not all have wonderful vocabularies. But, yes, it would have bothered me a lot.

[Davysmom]

nm

[LaxMom]

Yes. I think it's normal to be bothered by comments that belittle one's commitment and effort, particularly in a volunteer setting.

[J-rap]

Yes, it would bother me. For some reason, it would bother me even more that she said this of my daughter. I would think of the time and commitment my daughter made, which is unusual at that age. The woman's remark -- whether she meant it or not -- made that time and commitment seem almost unnecessary.

 

My guess is probably she didn't really mean it, and probably she was trying to assure the other woman that it would be okay to come sporadically if that's all she could commit to, and she just happened to point to the closest volunteers who were there -- which happened to be you and your daughter.

 

If you were thinking of quitting anyway, maybe you could send a note to the organization like this:

 

"I wanted to let you know that after serving as a volunteer for your organization for 18 months, my daughter and I have decided it was time to move on. I also wanted to let you know that this has been a meaningful time for my daughter and myself. We decided early on that we would make a commitment to volunteer regularly, and though it was not always easy for my daughter to juggle her schedule, I think her dedication to work with your organization consistently twice/week for three months, and then once/week for 15 months, was a real growing experience for her. She has learned a lot about service and what it means to give. I'm sure you don't require an official good-bye from a volunteer, but it seemed funny to just stop without letting you know what our time there meant to my daughter and myself."

[nono]

Isn't it weird how sometimes something can get under one's skin??? I can totally understand how that comment would get to you.

 

Maybe you don't make a big show out of being there and just get things done? So maybe you blended too well for this person to notice? I would try to take it as a compliment. ;)

 

:grouphug:

[Parrothead]

Yes. I think it's normal to be bothered by comments that belittle one's commitment and effort, particularly in a volunteer setting.

:iagree:I think I would have asked the person what she meant by the comment before just not going back though.

[MSNative]

It would bug me. But how did she say it? Was she trying to let this new volunteer know that she could volunteer on her own schedule? Highlighting how easy it is to come in when you can and do meaningful work? Basically, was she trying to sell the volunteer opportunity? If so, I'd give her the benefit of the doubt that she wasn't trying to insult me though I would still be annoyed. If this is your only problem with this organization and you find it rewarding, I'd try to let this comment slide. That said, there are tons of organizations looking for volunteers. You can always find another place that will love your help.

[Trish]

Yes, I'm actually bugged by the comment on your behalf!

 

:grouphug:

[Sahamamama]

Yes, it would bother me. And as far as her not knowing the word, IMO if you use a word, especially to label other people, especially if those people are within hearing range, :glare: you really ought to know what it means.

[Sahamamama]

There are a thousand things to do with spare time and resources (like gas money).

 

:iagree:Yup. A thousand things... (good point).

 

 

signing off now... :leaving: [time to work out]

[Word Nerd]

:grouphug: Yes, it would bother me to have my efforts and commitment dismissed like that, even if it was simply a misuse of the word. However, I would not want to give my daughter the impression that quitting without notice and without trying to address the offense or resolve the problem is the way to handle conflicts, hurts, and differences of opinion with others.

[kalanamak]

After more than a year? Yes, that would bother me. I'm betting it was just a toss-off word, but it would bother me too, and I usually let junk like that go. Even if I had been going only now and then, it wouldn't be a polite thing to say in front of a volunteer.

 

One likes credit where credit is due.

[Wildcat]

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Edited January 6, 2023 by Wildcat

[Jean in Newcastle]

I'm betting that she thought that sporadic meant that you didn't come every day. So even though she knew you came consistently once a week, that is the word she used. It would have irked me for a moment but honestly I wouldn't have held on to the thought unless her general attitude toward me was hurtful.

[SKL]

If the organization is worth your time, you might want to take aside that woman (or her boss if applicable) aside and ask her whether there is anything about your schedule that makes it unhelpful. You should be able to tell by her reaction whether you are in fact appreciated versus just humored. Let her know that you take your volunteer time seriously and if they don't feel your input is valuable, there are other organizations that could benefit from your time. Try to do this in a positive way, just in case the person really did mean well. Sometimes people just put their foot in their mouths.

 

There are many people who have ulterior motives behind volunteering. (For example, resume builder, community service requirements, etc.) A person who works with many volunteers might get a little jaded by that fact.

[Pegasus]

Thank you, everyone. You've given me a lot to think about. I hadn't thought about how once a week may seem sporadic to someone who works every day in the organization and that she may have just been trying to reassure the new volunteer that any time she can come would be accepted/appreciated. I think I can now let the comment go and let that chapter of our lives be closed.

 

My older DD is already volunteering somewhere else that is much closer to the house and the supervisors there brag on her. What a difference!

[MariannNOVA]

:iagree:I think I would have asked the person what she meant by the comment before just not going back though.

 

 

Yes, it would have bothered me and I would have approached her about it.

 

If by 'sporadic' she meant that you weren't there five days a week, I would have had to tell her that she was using the word incorrectly.

 

Then, I would have stopped going.

[trishhoward]

if it was already a struggle, this would definitely set me over the edge. I understand, I would have done the same thing. except, i would have followed it up with a letter to stay why I was leaving, if I was really fired up.