What do you do when you are at the point of locking the kids in a closet

[clarkacademy]

Not really I would never ever do this. These boys are really driving me nuts. The constant I mean constant bickering from wake up until pass out is killing me.

 

They will not stop. They both aggravate each other, pick on each other etc. I have decided everytime they fight over things I am taking them away. So far they have nothing at all to do today I mean nothing, I have taken everything and they are not getting a clue.

 

Their father lives out of state, my parents are elderly and cannot keep up with them and I have no real close friends around here to get any kind of a break. I want discpline ideas in the worse way because what I am doing is not working. They argue with each other over everything from the TV is too loud to he's looking at me.

 

They have also taken to arguing with me I have to stop myself and so no this is not happening. I am at wits end and I have no idea what to do. They are both wining now over having stuff taken away.

[justLisa]

I lock myself away :tongue_smilie:

 

My kids are not very problematic, but they do have those times of constantly tormenting each other. I announce "I'm off duty." and stomp upstairs. Then they must think "oh carp, who'd going to feed us?" Not too long after I'll find them pretty quiet and getting along.

[KrissiK]

I hear ya sister. Do you intervene when they argue? They are probably doing it to get your attention. Send them out of the room to work out their differences. When they don't have an audience it will probably quit. It has been very difficult for me to keep out of their squabbles, but I figure, as long as they aren't hurting each other, they should be ok. As far as the arguing, I hear you there, too. DH and I have been reading "How to Have a New Kid By Friday" by Kevin Leman. He says, "Say it once, turn around, walk away!" This has been hard. We have a world class arguer. But, it's been working, when we can remember to do it and not get sucked in. Hang in there.

[Mom-ninja.]

I lock myself in the closet instead. Only half joking.

 

I have a "spirited" child and the amount of energy and patience he requires from me is beyond my capacity at times. I have an appointment to talk to a family therapist later this week.

 

On that note, removing yourself from the situation can work wonders. Wonders.

 

The last time I had had it, I locked myself in my bedroom for the entire day. Let me tell you my oldest two had no problem taking care of themselves and little brother. They sat and did lessons, prepared and ate food, cleaned the house, etc. They realized I had reach my limit.

 

A few days later I was reading a book and it said to remove yourself from your kids' squabbles. Just expect bickering as a fact of life and ignore it. You have to ignore it. Once you do, and your kids realize that you are not going to "referee" and "fix" the problem, they have no choice but to deal with it themselves. Kids (in our culture especially) do not take responsibility for their actions because they don't have to. Adults take the responsibility of doling out punishment. Kids know that an argument will never get out of hand because they rely on the parent (or other adult) to be the safety net.

 

Stop being the safety net. Let them handle their own bickering and deal with the consequences.

[clarkacademy]

I lock myself in the closet instead. Only half joking.

 

I have a "spirited" child and the amount of energy and patience he requires from me is beyond my capacity at times. I have an appointment to talk to a family therapist later this week.

 

On that note, removing yourself from the situation can work wonders. Wonders.

 

The last time I had had it, I locked myself in my bedroom for the entire day. Let me tell you my oldest two had no problem taking care of themselves and little brother. They sat and did lessons, prepared and ate food, cleaned the house, etc. They realized I had reach my limit.

 

A few days later I was reading a book and it said to remove yourself from your kids' squabbles. Just expect bickering as a fact of life and ignore it. You have to ignore it. Once you do, and your kids realize that you are not going to "referee" and "fix" the problem, they have no choice but to deal with it themselves. Kids (in our culture especially) do not take responsibility for their actions because they don't have to. Adults take the responsibility of doling out punishment. Kids know that an argument will never get out of hand because they rely on the parent (or other adult) to be the safety net.

 

Stop being the safety net. Let them handle their own bickering and deal with the consequences.

 

 

So in your opinion would I give them all the stuff back and just ignore when they start to argue? What about when they hurt each other or break each others stuff.

[MunRoLy]

Don't know if this is the best idea, but when I am at my wit's end with the kids I have to separate them so I don't completely lose it. I tell them that because of their behavior, they are "only children" for the rest of the day (or at least a few hours). Meaning they are each in different rooms with no contact with the other kids. I call them down individually to get things done with them, then send them back and get someone else.

 

They HATE it. But the day goes so much more smoothly!!!Then they act a bit better once I allow them to be together again.

 

This keeps me sane. I don't do it very often, only when the fighting is non-stop.

[Mom-ninja.]

I hear ya sister. Do you intervene when they argue? They are probably doing it to get your attention. Send them out of the room to work out their differences. When they don't have an audience it will probably quit. It has been very difficult for me to keep out of their squabbles, but I figure, as long as they aren't hurting each other, they should be ok. As far as the arguing, I hear you there, too. DH and I have been reading "How to Have a New Kid By Friday" by Kevin Leman. He says, "Say it once, turn around, walk away!" This has been hard. We have a world class arguer. But, it's been working, when we can remember to do it and not get sucked in. Hang in there.

 

To the bolded.....even if they do hurt each other they will be okay. My boys sometimes get so heated that they strike. I walk away. DH told me they need to work it out themselves. They only fought seriously once. It was the first time I walked away. They weren't expecting me too. They expecting me to jump in and stop it like I always had. I didn't. The safety net left the room. The fight ended with one ds getting a bloody nose. The one who did it helped his brother up, took him to the bathroom, cleaned him up, asked if he was hurt, and apologized. The one with the bloody nose said he was fine, it's was okay, and not to worry about it. Then they both went about the rest of the day as if nothing had happened. DH simply said, "Told you so."

 

When they fight now it's never serious. They keep their temper in check....for the most part. ;)

[Amber in SJ]

This is what works for my bickerers:

 

1. Remind them that that behavior is unacceptable. This never works, but I like to make the attempt.

 

2. Send them to different rooms or areas of the house with nothing to do. Really nothing. One may be sitting on a kitchen chair staring out the window and another may be on the front porch staring at the sky. No reading, no drawing, no playing, nothing!

 

3. When they are brain dead from the nothingness I give them a job to do together; a very small job. If they can work together they can play together. I do not allow any electronics, for some reason electronics makes them too competitive. The electronics ban is also their consequence for bickering in the first place. They must do do something cooperative.

 

 

There are days where we never get past step two. We try to move on to step three but they can't work or play together & we are back to steps 1 & 2. While they are in separate areas, I go to my room & read or clean the kitchen or do the laundry. Anything that makes me unavailable for pleas for clemency. I do not respond to any crying, shouting, pleading, etc.

 

Amber in SJ

[regentrude]

Don't know if this is the best idea, but when I am at my wit's end with the kids I have to separate them so I don't completely lose it. I tell them that because of their behavior, they are "only children" for the rest of the day (or at least a few hours). Meaning they are each in different rooms with no contact with the other kids. I call them down individually to get things done with them, then send them back and get someone else.

 

They HATE it. But the day goes so much more smoothly!!!Then they act a bit better once I allow them to be together again.

 

 

This. Separation.

When my kids bickered and fought, I sent each of them into his/her own room and they were not allowed to spend time together. That always did the trick: it allowed them to calm down, and it also reminded them that it is more fun to do something with a sibling.

[Mom-ninja.]

So in your opinion would I give them all the stuff back and just ignore when they start to argue? What about when they hurt each other or break each others stuff.

 

Yes. See my above post.

 

If they hurt each other empathy will quickly jump in....as will guilt. Children do have a sense of when to call it quits....if they realize the responsibility is on them. Now, of course if I were to see one of them pick up a weapon that's another story. Like when my 3 yr old was about to throw a screwdriver (where did he get it from?!) at his brother I jumped in.

 

If they break something then they have to replace it with their own money. If they don't have money then they have to work it off.

Edited July 16, 2012 by Kleine Hexe

[Princess Peach]

My kids always bicker much more when they have oodles and oodles of time on their hands. They operate much better on a routine. So we generally have a set time for lunch, snacks, chores and a set time for reading/summer school. This breaks up the day and gives them a loose schedule to go by. But it also allows for enough free time, too.

[Twinmom]

When my boys bicker, they get chores...physical, "manly" chores! It wears them out, gets them outside, separates them, makes them proud of themselves and helps me in the process. Even better, sometimes Daddy works with them and they learn a skill while they are at it.

 

Examples include the following: pooper-scooping the yard (we have a big dog!), pulling weeds, mowing, cutting bushes and cleaning up the debris, collecting trash and taking bins to the curb, helping Daddy with a repair or construction project, cleaning out and/or washing the car, exercising the dog, raking and bagging leaves, hauling things in and out of the basement, unloading groceries, etc. If they have done something particularly heinous, I make them do "girl chores" that they hate, such as laundry, sorting toys, cleaning the kitchen, vacuuming or sweeping, cleaning a toilet, etc. (They help with those things regularly, but when they are atrocious, they get full responsibility for the task!)

 

Kids can be obnoxious to each other...a sad fact of life! Run them out, get a few minutes of quiet and chores done in the process and they will burn it off eventually.

 

:grouphug:

[KungFuPanda]

Do they get enough exercise? That excess energy will be wasted bickering if you don't find a productive, physical outlet for them.

[Alte Veste Academy]

Do they get enough exercise? That excess energy will be wasted bickering if you don't find a productive, physical outlet for them.

 

:iagree: My kids need a big dose of physical activity and large chunks of the day with their brains engaged 100% in something reasonably challenging. Only when they have gone without one of those two things are they really ornery with each other. If I can't get them active or engaged, then yes, I separate them...and myself.

 

ETA: I will add that excessive screen time is poison to my kids' behavior. Too much time with electronics breeds boredom and restlessness, I think, and almost always results in mountainous molehills.

Edited July 16, 2012 by Alte Veste Academy

[Mommie_Jen]

I'm another one who assigns chores. Mine are 5 and 2. I give them a few chores to do separate, then give them a chore to do together - usually scrub the walls side by side from as high as they can reach down to the bottom. It usually gets them to band together by complaining about how mean I am. ;) If they have energy to fight, they have energy to wash down walls.

[Miss Marple]

I have 2 who are 16 months apart. They tried that bickering stuff but I found something that worked for them (not saying it will work for everyone). I knew that they really did like to be together and play together so when the bickering started, I separated them. They were not allowed to talk to one another or play with one another. If I found them doing that, they had to do chores (clean the bathroom, dust, take trash out, etc.) After about 2 hours, they were desperate for socialization :) It took doing this quite a few times for them to realize that I didn't want to hear it even if it didn't bother them. I often found them whispering together over a computer game when they thought I wasn't looking. I would go around the corner and loudly proclaim my arrival at which time they were separated across the room :)

 

Really, making myself the "bad guy" often worked to reunite brothers. They had a common "enemy" :)

[Parrothead]

Do they get enough exercise? That excess energy will be wasted bickering if you don't find a productive, physical outlet for them.

:iagree:Send them outside to pound on each other in the dirt. Then set them to chopping wood or whatever the urban equivalent is depending on where you live.

 

I don't know how old they are. Have you considered turning them lose on the neighborhood with bikes? Skateboards?

[BarbecueMom]

I'm another one who assigns chores. Mine are 5 and 2. I give them a few chores to do separate, then give them a chore to do together - usually scrub the walls side by side from as high as they can reach down to the bottom. It usually gets them to band together by complaining about how mean I am. ;) If they have energy to fight, they have energy to wash down walls.

 

:lol: I'm usually telling mine to stop washing the walls! They scrub the paint off and drip water everywhere. If you give them a wet cloth, they will wring every last drop of it onto the carpet (which stains if you look at it wrong, never mind liquids).

 

Then they will hit each other in the face with the cloths.

[Sasharowan]

Ground them from each other. If they have separate rooms, they need to stay in there and amuse themselves. If they really annoyed you, bring them out at separate times for meals, baths, etc. A day or two of that usually works for my guys. Since we share rooms, I usually have one in my room, two in the kids' bedrooms, and one in the living room, rotated at my will.

[phathui5]

Are there any VBS's in your area?

[speedmom4]

My kids always bicker much more when they have oodles and oodles of time on their hands. They operate much better on a routine. So we generally have a set time for lunch, snacks, chores and a set time for reading/summer school. This breaks up the day and gives them a loose schedule to go by. But it also allows for enough free time, too.

 

:iagree:

 

We do not do school during the summer but I keep my kids pretty busy otherwise they do start bickering. I also agree with another poster that boys especially need physical outlets. Wearing them out physically seems to solve a lot of behavior issues. IMHO, letting them fight it out or locking yourself away doesn't get to the root of the issue.

 

Hope things turn around soon!

 

Elise in NC

[hthnmamax2]

It depends on where we are.

 

If we're at home and they're nitpicking, I'll make them do each others chores. If they're arguing, they have to wash the sliding glass doors. You'd be surprised how quickly an argument turns into laughing when they're trying to yell at each other through a door. There was also a single time when they were fighting and I threw them out in the back yard. I told them to have at it outside because I didn't want any blood on my carpet. The last two have only been done once or twice.

 

Now, if we're out somewhere, I will tell them once to cut it out and then if it continues they have to hold hands the rest of the time we're out and about. With two teen boys I've only had to do this once within the last five years.

 

They're generally well behaved when we go out. They do tend to be more heathenish at home. Can't have everything! :D

[RanchGirl]

My children get along much much better when they get daily intellectual stimulation and physical exercise. The difference is shocking! I agree with other suggestions as well - separation and assigned chores. Getting along with your brother is so much better than cleaning the toilet. And if you think they might be doing it to get your attention, make sure they are getting it, daily.

[clarkacademy]

I made them do yardwork in the FL heat LOLOL I am so bad :lol:

[justamouse]

If they argue about it, they lose it.

 

Strip it down. TV, gone. If I hear a whimper of arguing, it's gone. I've done this faithfully so many times that they don't.

 

It's hard, especially when you're beat, but it works. They have to be nice to each other, prefer one another, stop being selfish and compromise to get things back.

 

I very, very rarely have to take anything away anymore.

[StartingOver]

Bailey's is the answer around here. Not in large amounts mind you but a cup or two of coffee, then the bickering doesn't bother me as much. I have put my boys in boxing gloves, they have chopped woods, sat and told each other nice things ( this one is always the hardest on them, especially if I make them hold hands LOL ). Usually they just need to burn off some energy then everything is better. Boys are bundles of energy.

[*Lulu*]

Chores are the cure to a lot of ills around here. Depending on the level of bickering I will either assign them chores away from each other or together. If my nerves are really fried I choose outside, (away from me), chores. I can always find weeds that need pullin'!

[4everHis]

This is what works for my bickerers:

 

1. Remind them that that behavior is unacceptable. This never works, but I like to make the attempt.

 

2. Send them to different rooms or areas of the house with nothing to do. Really nothing. One may be sitting on a kitchen chair staring out the window and another may be on the front porch staring at the sky. No reading, no drawing, no playing, nothing!

 

3. When they are brain dead from the nothingness I give them a job to do together; a very small job. If they can work together they can play together. I do not allow any electronics, for some reason electronics makes them too competitive. The electronics ban is also their consequence for bickering in the first place. They must do do something cooperative.

 

 

There are days where we never get past step two. We try to move on to step three but they can't work or play together & we are back to steps 1 & 2. While they are in separate areas, I go to my room & read or clean the kitchen or do the laundry. Anything that makes me unavailable for pleas for clemency. I do not respond to any crying, shouting, pleading, etc.

 

Amber in SJ

 

#1 made me:lol: and I start handing out chores. Chores are a cure for 'I'm bored' to pestering each other.