Ruby Rose Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 (edited) Edited for privacy. Edited June 14, 2012 by Ruby Sue Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freesia Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 :grouphug: Deep breath! She is still very young but anxiety is very real. I highly recommend the book Freeing Your Child From Anxiety. It will help you figure out normal vs abnormal levels of anxiety. But more importantly it give you steps to help your child conquer the anxiety. It is a fantastic book. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LittleIzumi Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 At this point I would consider a therapist for anxiety. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hope in God Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 No, you are not a bad mom. Some kids are more that way. Start moving toward independence a little at a time. If you encourage your less anxious child to sleep in thier own bed that is a good first step. Make it fun and exciting and gradually start to work on your more anxious child. As kids mature they do gain confidence but a small push and encouragement here and there sure does help too. You may want to try giving her 5HTP instead of melatonin (melatonin is best if you do not give it to children as they are still developing thier melatonin/ seratonin balance). :grouphug: It will work out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 :grouphug: The owner of the studio is an idiot. :grouphug: :grouphug: I know many wonderful mothers who have done family bed far past age 7. :grouphug: You're not a loser or a failure. You have a child whose anxiety is not allowing her the freedom to do things she wants to do, like dance class. You're a good momma to realize that. I'd look around for a therapist who specializes in anxiety in children. :grouphug: One more time: You're a good mom. Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amo_mea_filiis. Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 You are not allowed to steal my loser/bad mom awards! :) You're not the worst. You don't mention asking her why situations make her upset. I agree with some books and therapy to address the anxiety. Btw, my kids and i share one bedroom. 3 beds, but in one room. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AdventureMoms Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 OK, that studio owner is definitely an idiot. Do you really think she's faking the anxiety to manipulate you? At age 7? That's absurd. She's not playing you, she's scared. I do think that it might be time to start looking at where the anxiety is coming from, and working with her on it, but I don't think you're a bad mother because you have an anxious child! FWIW, it won't surprise me at all if my 4yo is in the same boat in 3 years. She's doing better, but she is very, very nervous about that kind of thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest submarines Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 DD was like this when she was 6 and 7. Yes, we co-slept. I also didn't force her into stressful situations, I was waiting for her to become ready. Your situation is different, as your DD wanted to take that class. At this age, DD didn't want to take any classes at all. I wouldn't blame her for changing her mind. Many children are just not ready to enjoy structured group activities at this age. There's no reason for her to participate, just because everyone else does. DD is still has a tendency to be anxious, but at 8 and 9 she became very independent, and is coping with her anxiety really well. In fact, she amazes me with how bravely she puts herself out there when she takes classes or interact with people. No one would know that she is not naturally chatty and easy going. :grouphug: to the OP. It takes time. You are not a failure. Don't let anyone imply that you are. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corraleno Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 (edited) The owner of the studio is an idiot. I know many wonderful mothers who have done family bed far past age 7. You're not a loser or a failure. You have a child whose anxiety is not allowing her the freedom to do things she wants to do, like dance class. You're a good momma to realize that. I'd look around for a therapist who specializes in anxiety in children. :grouphug: One more time: You're a good mom. Cat :iagree: with all of this. FWIW, my DS was just like your DD — extremely anxious, clingy, high-needs, etc. I did extended nursing, co-sleeping, all the AP stuff, and I wish I had a dollar for every time a well-meaning relative told me I was spoiling him and would pay the price later. :glare: Well, it's "later" — he just turned 14. You know, the age where kids are supposed to turn into rebellious brats? DS missed that memo. He's thoughtful, loving, not remotely rebellious, and a pleasure to be around. He's still more anxious than most kids, but it's not outside the realm of "normal." Once he gets over his initial shyness/apprehension about new social situations, he has no problem jumping into activities, making new friends, etc. I can assure you that, at 14, he's not still clinging to my leg crying every time we go out. ;) He had his own time-table for developing confidence and independence, and I firmly believe that giving him what he needed when he needed it was critical in helping him become the person he is now. IMO, refusing to "indulge" his needs would only have increased his anxiety and insecurity. I second the idea of seeing a therapist about the anxiety issues, if they are interfering with your DD's enjoyment of life, but please don't think you are a bad mother, or that you have in any way "caused" your DD's issues by the way you parent her — in my experience, quite the opposite is true. ETA: Fish oil, vitamin D3, and magnesium can be very effective in reducing anxiety. Give those a try and see if it helps. :grouphug: Jackie Edited June 13, 2012 by Corraleno Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lizzie in Ma Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 :grouphug: The owner of the studio is an idiot. :grouphug: :grouphug: I know many wonderful mothers who have done family bed far past age 7. :grouphug: You're not a loser or a failure. You have a child whose anxiety is not allowing her the freedom to do things she wants to do, like dance class. You're a good momma to realize that. I'd look around for a therapist who specializes in anxiety in children. :grouphug: One more time: You're a good mom. Cat :iagree::iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dealea86 Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 :grouphug: It's easy to blame the parent when you've never had a child outside of the norm. I'm sure you're doing your best and that you're a great mom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skadi Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 I say this gently... Her anxiety could be very real. She is probably not consciously trying to manipulate you. But nevertheless, have you considered that her anxiety is caused by the emotional cycle being played out? In a way, despite her anxiety, playing the same role might be comforting on some level. It might look to an outsider that she is merely manipulating you because the reality is that she is following a pattern, feeding off past experiences. I'm not saying this to place blame on you -- not at all. I'm just saying that if it is an unconscious pattern that she has developed, that puts power in your hands because you can consciously change the way you react to her and help create a new pattern. I honestly think seeing a psychologist is a great idea. You shouldn't feel any stigma about it. Just breathe, and remember that your daughter is her own person. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 (edited) You sound like such a sweet and loving mom. You are NOT a failure. If I were you, I would take this as a sign that your dd needs more exposure. Invite others to the house regularly, go out more to expose your dd, including more activities. She will break out of her shell in her own time, OR she will remain an introvert. Bth are perfectly fine. She is who she is. Most introverts are perfectly fine being that way. I want to encourage you, though. My younger son was so socially awkward when he was 6 and 7 that I was seriously concerned myself. I was truly alarmed when we were involved with a wonderful homeschool group when he was six. The kids his age really wanted to play with him but he wouldn't leave my side. He is now a total extrovert with lots of friends. Still, I have had numerous introverted friends in my life who also preferred solitude. It was made them happy. Your dd is only seven!!!! Please don't worry about this so much.:grouphug: Eta: i would look for activities for her where you could be in attendance in the same room, even taking classes side by side. Smething to gently ease her into the new setting. If her anxiety gets worse, I would definitely address it with a professional. Edited June 13, 2012 by Denisemomof4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Embassy Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug: The owner's comment was out of line. I have a child who had very high separation anxiety. We have taken the approach that the anxiety is a need and we have baby stepped our way into much less anxiety. I don't leave my child in a position where the anxiety is overwhelming. I provide support and gradually lessen my involvement as the child becomes comfortable. I have also adapted our life so my child is not placed in stressful situations often (i.e. no babysitters, new situations only with parent present). I don't want my child to practice anxiety. In the case of the studio, I might have her take classes with a friend or prearrange with the teacher for a couple visits where you can come in with her. Or maybe you can give her a phone to call you as many times as she needs to while you wait outside the class. It may help her be comfortable if she has an easy way to contact you. It always went badly for my child when I tried to rush things. Baby steps. Today my child shows little separation anxiety, but it is still there. Even now I do think my child would have difficulty attending an unfamiliar class without a parent or sibling present. It wouldn't be a bad thing to consult a child psychologist though. I coslept with my child initially. You didn't cause this. My baby was born this way and wouldn't sleep without constant contact. It took baby steps to change that too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catherine Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 He's 19 now but if I had a do-over, I would have listened to my intuition and looked for help sooner. He's fine now, but he definitely needed help with his anxiety when he was younger, and he still has significant social anxiety. I'd encourage you to look at work that is being done to teach parents of anxious kids how to coach them verbally to overcome some of their irrational fears. The dance situation would have been a place to start. Look into cognitive-behavioral therapy for children. It really can have lasting effects and help kids to learn coping skills, and change the thought patterns that are maladaptive. I do think kids like this improve as they grow up, but they don't necessarily stop being anxious. They find ways around it, or to be honest, they avoid situations that provoke their anxiety. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oneddmanybooks Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 ... Many children are just not ready to enjoy structured group activities at this age. There's no reason for her to participate, just because everyone else does. ..... :grouphug: to the OP. It takes time. You are not a failure. Don't let anyone imply that you are. :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: You are definitely NOT a failure! I can relate a little as my dd is very sensitive and is absolutely not interested in doing some of the things her friends do. But I have seen a big change in her over the last couple of years. Right now she is really enjoying her first official swim class. If we had forced her to take swimming 2/3 years ago (when many children start), I think it would have been a very negative experience. I have to cut my reply short, as I've been spending too much time on the computer. I am sure you will take time to pray/meditate and think before making any decisions. Your dd may just need more time to mature. She may need therapy. But one thing is certain: a child having separation anxiety does NOT mean that you are a bad parent!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Little Nyssa Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 I agree with all of the PPs, just wanted to add one thing. My kids have been like this, Occasionally, but enough so I have had to think about how to handle it. I try not to feed into the anxiety by becoming anxious or stressed, myself. I also try to make sure there is no question of secondary gain-- that is, I ask myself if I am in any way rewarding them for the anxiety. I don't mean reassuring them, I mean am I giving treats to make up for whatever They missed. Also, If they did not feel comfortable joining in, I don't think I would try for as long as you happened to do that day. My approach would be more, you don't feel comfortable? Then let's try it another day, ok? This might be hard if I were paying for it, but it mught make it easier the following week? I might try 15 mins, that's all. And :grouphug: you're not a bad mom!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 You are not a bad mom! If you'd like some help in knowing how to coach/help her, let me know. It's possible to help her with coping, soothing, comforting skills. I think a qualfied professional could really help! That's not a bad thing; it's a good thing to get help when you need it. ETA: Failure/loser mom is not when you get professional help but in not seeking it when it would be of benefit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kirch Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 ITA that the studio owner was out of line. She doesn't know you or your dd well enough to make any kind of judgement like that. You know your dd well enough to know that this is something she deals with all the time. I also agree with looking into therapy. You did NOT make your dd like this, and all the people out there who will tell you that you need to force her into situations she's afraid of or that you need to be harder on her and make her do it or that she's "playing you like a fiddle" need to shut it. She does need to learn and grow to be able to do those things, but being harsh and forcing her will just make it worse. :grouphug: You're not a bad mom. You just need help in getting her the help she needs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ruby Rose Posted June 13, 2012 Author Share Posted June 13, 2012 (edited) . Edited June 14, 2012 by Ruby Sue Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LillyMama Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 Definitely not a bad mom! Some kids need reassurance more than others- that's just because we're all different people. I would agree that counseling could help, but that's because I pretty much think every person on the planet could benefit from counseling. One thing I'd check on- her sleeping habits. My kids get really really attached to me when they are under-slept. My daughter started night-terrors, lost potty training, etc. from a bad switch in our sleeping schedules. I don't think this will fix an anxiety issues. But i do think lack of sleep or poor sleep can exacerbate an already present anxiety issue. And by the way- a bad mom would be a mom that taught her daughter to behave a certain way despite her feelings. That her feelings were insignificant, that she should feel differently. Good moms listen to their kids when they try to express their feelings. I will always get behind the mom who validates her kids' needs. This may make us more likely to get manipulated, but that's much easier to fix. It's easier for an adult parent to figure out how to draw some boundaries than for a child to grow up repressing their emotions and then try to figure that out as an adult. I have my own dysfunctional family I'd love to offer up as proof. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kwg Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 My ds slept with dh or me when he was 7. He is 9 now and we can finally give him a kiss and send him off to bed (where he sleeps with his little bother). I would find a new dance studio if she wants to try again- they don't sound like a good fit. :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EmilyK Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 FWIW, my DS was just like your DD — extremely anxious, clingy, high-needs, etc. I did extended nursing, co-sleeping, all the AP stuff, and I wish I had a dollar for every time a well-meaning relative told me I was spoiling him and would pay the price later. :glare: Well, it's "later" — he just turned 14. You know, the age where kids are supposed to turn into rebellious brats? DS missed that memo. He's thoughtful, loving, not remotely rebellious, and a pleasure to be around. He's still more anxious than most kids, but it's not outside the realm of "normal." Once he gets over his initial shyness/apprehension about new social situations, he has no problem jumping into activities, making new friends, etc. I can assure you that, at 14, he's not still clinging to my leg crying every time we go out. ;) He had his own time-table for developing confidence and independence, and I firmly believe that giving him what he needed when he needed it was critical in helping him become the person he is now. IMO, refusing to "indulge" his needs would only have increased his anxiety and insecurity. This has been exactly my experience with my about to turn 14 year old. I remember reading in a Dr. Sears book when he was a baby that a high needs baby who has a mother who meets his needs is one of the best situations. Kids who have their needs met can be so compassionate and kind. But of course, definitely get help for anxiety as needed. It is just how some of our brains work and there is nothing wrong with getting help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PentecostalMom Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 :grouphug: The owner of the studio is an idiot. :grouphug: :grouphug: I know many wonderful mothers who have done family bed far past age 7. :grouphug: You're not a loser or a failure. You have a child whose anxiety is not allowing her the freedom to do things she wants to do, like dance class. You're a good momma to realize that. I'd look around for a therapist who specializes in anxiety in children. :grouphug: One more time: You're a good mom. Cat :iagree: and :grouphug:. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparrow Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 I've seen the age of 9 come up in more than one post and that is exactly the age that my daughter started coming into her own. After years of embarrassing "scenes" for Girl Scouts and other activities that I had to sit next to her, etc. she was finally able to attend on her own. The next step was a soccer team. Come to find out, she LOVES sports, and overcame her anxiety and shyness because she enjoys it so much. I have to say, athletics had the affect on her that you always hear about. It boosted her confidence, she had fun, and she made friends. She now has 2 years of soccer under her belt and this summer, she is playing softball (she hit a double tonight :D). I never thought I'd see her blossom like this, at your dd's age. I felt the same kind of worry you're having. Keep trying things, if she shows interest, and stick with her. There was many a time that I felt weird being the only mom with a kid in my lap, when everyone else dropped their kids off, but it's what my girl needed at that time. Hang in there :grouphug:. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthwestMom Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 :grouphug: The owner of the studio is an idiot. :grouphug: :grouphug: I know many wonderful mothers who have done family bed far past age 7. :grouphug: You're not a loser or a failure. You have a child whose anxiety is not allowing her the freedom to do things she wants to do, like dance class. You're a good momma to realize that. I'd look around for a therapist who specializes in anxiety in children. :grouphug: One more time: You're a good mom. Cat :iagree: I have a homeschool mom friend whose son was just like that. She had to go in with him to every co-op class he took. On the rare occasions she could not be in his class (if his brother was doing a presentation or something), I would sit with him and he would still be teary-eyed. He did not want to take part in anything that his mom could not attend every minute as well. She did not fight it or try to talk him out of it. She just went with it and sometime in the middle of this year (3rd grade, so age 9) he developed out if it, like - DING! it was over. Done. I even see him running around the neighborhood with other kids all the time now. Your child may need some extra help, and counseling won't hurt, but she won't be like this forever. She'll be fine. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthwestMom Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 LOL, I just read the rest of the posts and there must be something magic about age 9! Wow! :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sandy in Indy Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 (edited) I could have written the original post some years ago. My youngest ds was just like that. I used to joke that my dh forgot to cut the cord. I couldn't leave the room without ds falling apart. There was no sleeping for him unless I was beside him. Most of the time he had my shirt in his hand. We had a LOT of long days! I had lots of well-meaning people tell me that I needed to do this or that, blah, blah, blah. I did what I thought he *needed.* I let him sleep with me, and I stayed with him--every day, all day. And eventually, the light switch flipped and he became a happy, independent kid. (He was around 6.) Follow your instincts! Edited June 13, 2012 by Sandy in Indy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ruby Rose Posted June 13, 2012 Author Share Posted June 13, 2012 (edited) . Edited June 14, 2012 by Ruby Sue Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FiveOaksAcademy Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 :grouphug: The owner of the studio is an idiot. :grouphug: :iagree: If she were older, I think I would be more worried. I do agree, though, with finding her a therapist to help with the anxiety. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2denj Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 First, I agree, the owner was way out of line! He/she just wants to make that $$. You are the only person who really knows your child. God created each child with their own unique personality. My dd (5) still sleeps with me, as did all my children, and all of them are pretty outgoing kids. So, it is not the co-sleeping. She will open up in her own time. I would try different activities with her. Soccer, swimming, etc..... She may find something that she loves and begin to overcome her fears. You are a great mom! I can feel the love you have for her through your words! This too shall pass....... :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jacqui in mo Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 I have a book suggestion while you wait on getting in to see a therapist. "What to Do When you Worry Too Much. A Kid's Guide to Overcoming Anxiety" by Dawn Huebner. I just encountered these books (I'm reading one on temper) and they seem very promising. http://www.amazon.com/What-When-You-Worry-Much/dp/1591473144/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1339587165&sr=8-1&keywords=what+to+do+when+you+worry+too+much Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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