Attachment concerns in newly adopted daughter

[msjones]

My friend has a beautiful, newly adopted three-year-old. Everyone is so happy to finally meet her! She is delightful -- friendly, smiling, charming, energetic, appealing in every way. We're all very happy for our friend and her family after their long wait for their new little one.

 

I notice that this little one is affectionate with everyone who pays her any attention. This raises some red flags for me -- I've never seen a child behave that way. Of course, we're all enjoying that -- she hugs and kisses and smiles and takes your hand, and wants to play an interact with everyone.

She is a lovely child.

 

For those of you familiar with attachment issues: isn't that kind of 'random' affection sometimes a cause for concern?

 

Or, should I just hush up and enjoy this little girl?

 

(I'm not inclined to go around offering my parenting opinions, anyway. This has just been on my mind, so here I am at the WTM forums soliciting opinions.)

[Impish]

Yes, indiscriminate affection can be a warning sign.

[BigMamaBird]

I don't know anything about adoptions or attachment issues, but I'd be inclined to just keep silent about any concerns. Let them revel in their happiness. If she develops any concerns in the future, be a sounding board and a support, but don't be the one to bring it up.

[Impish]

Here's the thing: *every* adoptive parent should be aware of attachment issues, and working on them from day 1. I would hope and pray that whatever agency they worked w/would have educated them and that they'd be working on it from the get go.

 

Waiting can cause more issues.

[msjones]

I don't know anything about adoptions or attachment issues, but I'd be inclined to just keep silent about any concerns. Let them revel in their happiness. If she develops any concerns in the future, be a sounding board and a support, but don't be the one to bring it up.

 

That is my inclination. And they are all so happy and enjoying one another -- a dream come true, I'd say!

 

I've just never seen a child behave in that way, and it has stuck with me.

[msjones]

Here's the thing: *every* adoptive parent should be aware of attachment issues, and working on them from day 1. I would hope and pray that whatever agency they worked w/would have educated them and that they'd be working on it from the get go.

 

Waiting can cause more issues.

 

What would "working on it" entail?

 

They adopted through a large, well-established agency that provided lots of support and information.

[Impish]

Some of the things I've heard of include taking the child back to infancy, wrapping them in a blanket, rocking them, even offering a bottle, all the things you do w/an infant to take them back to that stage and bond, give them what they may have missed.

[msjones]

Some of the things I've heard of include taking the child back to infancy, wrapping them in a blanket, rocking them, even offering a bottle, all the things you do w/an infant to take them back to that stage and bond, give them what they may have missed.

 

And for all I know, she is doing those things. I'll keep on keeping quiet.

[kalanamak]

 

I've just never seen a child behave in that way, and it has stuck with me.

 

My son had no sense of strangers or danger at all until we had the talk, age 7. Then he pulled back.

 

I'd come home to find hubby playing with a pack of strange children they met in the park, and a mom and a nanny snoozing in the living room with a baby in each's arm. My son invited everyone home.

 

My favorite moment was when kiddo, aged 3 ran up to hubby's ex in a chance encounter, hugged her and her new husband, and said he loved her. :lol:

[jallison25]

we are in the middle of adopting right now and everything i've read said it is helpful to limit her affection to mom/dad only. So others should be told to redircect her back to mom/dad when she tries to hug/kiss others. You can say, hugs/kisses are for mom! i don't think she should be allowed to go around being so affectionate with others, but i'm pretty new to this so hopefully someone else with more experience will chime in

[nono]

That is my inclination. And they are all so happy and enjoying one another -- a dream come true, I'd say!

 

I've just never seen a child behave in that way, and it has stuck with me.

 

 

It is not a dream come true if a nightmare begins later and the parents are unprepared.

 

The fact that the child is allowed to meet all these people and interact indescriminately shows that whether or not the agency provided any attachment information, the parents either didn't get it or buy into at least that part of it.

 

What you mention does cause concern. Generally a child in a new situation doesn't indescriminately show affection to others or "work a room." Does it mean the child will develop full-blown RAD? No, but dealing with these issues sooner rather than later makes for much less work overall.

 

My personal concern is that it seems to be ongoing, based upon your indication that you all are "enjoying" this, as though it was more than a 1x meet. I understand parents not starting attachment parenting until everyone has had a chance to meet the child. Sometimes living in the real world means we can't parent perfectly like the research recommends! But, if it's ongoing and the parents allow it, yeah, it could come back and bite them. As an adoptive parent to two who had (HAD!) issues, I wouldn't feel comfotable blowing off the recommended strategies.

[nono]

Here's one of the best analogy pieces I ever read on the subject, just so folks who thing adopting is "the same" as bio kids. It's not, and we really need to get that children, esp. a 3 year old, is a fully formed person.

[msjones]

It is not a dream come true if a nightmare begins later and the parents are unprepared.

 

The fact that the child is allowed to meet all these people and interact indescriminately shows that whether or not the agency provided any attachment information, the parents either didn't get it or buy into at least that part of it.

 

What you mention does cause concern. Generally a child in a new situation doesn't indescriminately show affection to others or "work a room." Does it mean the child will develop full-blown RAD? No, but dealing with these issues sooner rather than later makes for much less work overall.

 

My personal concern is that it seems to be ongoing, based upon your indication that you all are "enjoying" this, as though it was more than a 1x meet. I understand parents not starting attachment parenting until everyone has had a chance to meet the child. Sometimes living in the real world means we can't parent perfectly like the research recommends! But, if it's ongoing and the parents allow it, yeah, it could come back and bite them. As an adoptive parent to two who had (HAD!) issues, I wouldn't feel comfotable blowing off the recommended strategies.

 

She definitely "works the room." She's good at it! She kisses and hugs and touches and climbs into laps. Everyone loves her.

 

It's much more than your regular 'friendly' child. That's what strikes me as so odd.

[Lisa in Jax]

we are in the middle of adopting right now and everything i've read said it is helpful to limit her affection to mom/dad only. So others should be told to redircect her back to mom/dad when she tries to hug/kiss others. You can say, hugs/kisses are for mom!

 

^This -- 100%.

 

Support your friend by talking in front of the child about what a good mommy she has.

 

If mom tells child to do something and she ignores it or doesn't do as she's told, say, "Listen to your mommy. She's a good mommy," for example. Redirect all affection to mom/dad. With a smile for the child, say, "Your hugs and kisses are for *your* family."

 

Don't allow her to sit on your lap or hold your hand. Let mom do all comfort, feeding and discipline, etc. If she asks you for something, say, "Ask your mommy," etc. (All of this should be said with a kind, sweet tone.)

 

HIH,

 

Lisa

mom of one bio dd and one ds adopted at age 4.5

[kalanamak]

She definitely "works the room." She's good at it! She kisses and hugs and touches and climbs into laps. Everyone loves her.

 

It's much more than your regular 'friendly' child. That's what strikes me as so odd.

 

Again, kiddo was not adopted, but he "worked a room". At a work-related big dinner out, he would circle, greeting and checking everyone out. I recall predicting whose lap he'd end up on, as at 2, he always picked the matronly lady with the biggest bazoombas. Later, he'd pick whoever seemed pleasantly inclined who was eating what he'd like to try. Next think you knew, he was cozied up to man who looks rather like my brother, sharing his dinner.

 

I think he is a friendly but fairly typical kid now. He was just a very social toddler. Some people thought it "scary", and acted as if I had to quash this to keep him from being kidnapped, but he was always with us, and I wasn't worried. Other people thought it terribly charming.

 

I'm so glad I didn't think to agonize over this .... and I hope your friend just finds her to be an especially loving child.

[nono]

It's much more than your regular 'friendly' child. That's what strikes me as so odd.

 

Listen to your spidey sense. For someone not well-versed in attachment issues to notice, it's probably there. Now, what to do about it? How close are you to the Mom? Would she be open to articles?

 

Every day I thank G*d I had the sense to follow many, but certainly not all! of the recommendations. I should also say I adapted them to my personality, because being fake wasn't going to be authentic to my children anyways. Today, I can say that my dd is completely "normalized" to the point that I forget how much work it was with her. My ds, he's just about there too. You can't wish for the an adoptive experience to be just like bio and have it be so. But I do think one can work towards it. Now we are at the same place as any bio parent/child. I regularly get folks who've known us for a few years who get shocked that my children are adopted, and not bio.

 

I find this pretty darn funny since I'm mainly European decent, and my husband and 2 children are all Chinese.

[Impish]

Again, kiddo was not adopted, but he "worked a room". At a work-related big dinner out, he would circle, greeting and checking everyone out. I recall predicting whose lap he'd end up on, as at 2, he always picked the matronly lady with the biggest bazoombas. Later, he'd pick whoever seemed pleasantly inclined who was eating what he'd like to try. Next think you knew, he was cozied up to man who looks rather like my brother, sharing his dinner.

 

I think he is a friendly but fairly typical kid now. He was just a very social toddler. Some people thought it "scary", and acted as if I had to quash this to keep him from being kidnapped, but he was always with us, and I wasn't worried. Other people thought it terribly charming.

 

I'm so glad I didn't think to agonize over this .... and I hope your friend just finds her to be an especially loving child.

I hope that too.

 

However, it's a completely different playing field when adopting an older child vs a child you've had from birth (be it bio/adopted).

[nono]

Again, kiddo was not adopted, but he "worked a room".

 

Apples and oranges. Your child was with you from birth in a loving, secure environment. This child has been ripped from her life and forced into a new one. Same behavior. Much different starting points and motivation.

 

And with that, I'll stop the :boxing_smiley:. ;)

[Julie in Austin]

She definitely "works the room." She's good at it! She kisses and hugs and touches and climbs into laps. Everyone loves her.

 

It's much more than your regular 'friendly' child. That's what strikes me as so odd.

 

Major red flags. Whether to say anything or not is an entirely separate issue, but this is definitely disturbing behavior and may be indicative of serious problems.

[msjones]

^This -- 100%.

 

Support your friend by talking in front of the child about what a good mommy she has.

 

If mom tells child to do something and she ignores it or doesn't do as she's told, say, "Listen to your mommy. She's a good mommy," for example. Redirect all affection to mom/dad. With a smile for the child, say, "Your hugs and kisses are for *your* family."

 

Don't allow her to sit on your lap or hold your hand. Let mom do all comfort, feeding and discipline, etc. If she asks you for something, say, "Ask your mommy," etc. (All of this should be said with a kind, sweet tone.)

 

HIH,

 

Lisa

mom of one bio dd and one ds adopted at age 4.5

 

This is helpful. Something I can actually try to do. I don't know the mom well enough to offer advice, but I do see them very often.

[Impish]

This is helpful. Something I can actually try to do. I don't know the mom well enough to offer advice, but I do see them very often.

Hold the phone.

 

That, in itself, is a red flag to me. The child is being exposed to ppl that aren't 'extended family', in that you don't know the mom well enough to offer advice (I was picturing this being a best friend of yours), and therefore certainly NOT ppl that should be offering lap space, etc.

 

I'd really be concerned w/what the agency might have taught them.

[Celia]

As an adoptive mother, I see it as a concern. And yes, you should talk to them about it, because they might not be aware. Sure, it's endearing to other friends and family, but it's not helpful to her and not having a strong attachment is devastating in the long run. There are several things they can do to help her form that attachment. With my dd, I went back to bottle feeding her (doing my best to maintain eye contact with her while feeding), co-sleeping even though she was fine in her bed, and my husband and I were the only ones that attended to her needs. She did like to "work the room" and we decided that it was best for her to have as little company over as possible for a while. And when we did have company, we informed them that they were not to accept and cuddles or affection from her, even though that was hard for them to do!

 

It may just be her personality, but it's really not worth taking the chance that that's all it is. It's not especially cute anymore when the child is past those preschool years and is seeking attention from various strangers.

[elfgivas]

if you were the mom, and someone noticed something of concern, would you want them to mention it to you? how would you want them to do that?

 

could you try,

"Mary", i am so glad that you got to adopt "Naomi". with homeschooling, i am a member of a board where many people have adopted kids, and one of the topics that comes up again and again is some of the attachment issues adopted kids may have. i was struck with how many of the women wish someone had told them right at the beginning that there were things they could do that would help make the transition easier for the adopted child, and for the family too. does the agency you used help you with things like that?

 

and then you could mention one of the signs that there may be helpful things the adoptive parents can be doing is the indiscriminate affection. and/or suggest she come to the wtm boards and do a search on older adoptions.

 

i think there is a chance for you to offer a real opportunity to this little girl and her new family.... it will be awkward, but it could save them all an awful lot of heartache.

 

:grouphug:

ann

[msjones]

Hold the phone.

 

That, in itself, is a red flag to me. The child is being exposed to ppl that aren't 'extended family', in that you don't know the mom well enough to offer advice (I was picturing this being a best friend of yours), and therefore certainly NOT ppl that should be offering lap space, etc.

 

I'd really be concerned w/what the agency might have taught them.

 

We are what I'd call Bible Study friends. We have known each other several years and cross paths very often, but don't chat on the phone or get together outside of group events.

 

She is now the youngest of 4 in a strong family with very involved and loving parents who pay attention and are devoted to their kids. I'm hoping that what I'm seeing is an exceptional part of her days. (We see them in a large, busy, social setting with lots of kids all around. They certainly aren't in that setting all the time.)

 

I may be able to raise my concerns to another friend who does know her well enough to approach her. I'll think about it.

[Hope in God]

Apples and oranges. Your child was with you from birth in a loving, secure environment. This child has been ripped from her life and forced into a new one. Same behavior. Much different starting points and motivation.

 

And with that, I'll stop the :boxing_smiley:. ;)

 

I also have a child that, at 6 years old, will go up to pretty much anyone and sit on their lap or cuddle wiith them or crawl all over them. She is very touchy. This child was a preemie and spent her first 4 months of life in the hospital. Could this be an attachment issue? She always wants to be affectionate with my husband and I too. Now that she is getting older I'm thinking hmmmm, this may need to be addressed (especially when she climbs all over some aquaintences that I consider questionable!:confused1:)

 

Is there a website with recommendations on how to deal with this?

[Impish]

We are what I'd call Bible Study friends. We have known each other several years and cross paths very often, but don't chat on the phone or get together outside of group events.

 

She is now the youngest of 4 in a strong family with very involved and loving parents who pay attention and are devoted to their kids. I'm hoping that what I'm seeing is an exceptional part of her days. (We see them in a large, busy, social setting with lots of kids all around. They certainly aren't in that setting all the time.)

 

I may be able to raise my concerns to another friend who does know her well enough to approach her. I'll think about it.

I'm not questioning the parents being loving or dedicated.

 

I'm questioning not taking a break from reg activities to focus on bonding w/their new dd, w/out outside ppl and distractions. Which is why I'm wondering what the agency taught or didn't teach.

 

Adopting a child is so very different than having a newborn in the house, and even then, there are various schools of thought re:public outings w/a newborn.

 

I *really* hope and pray that these parents have been fully educated in terms of attachment issues, etc.

[deacongirl]

Here's the thing: *every* adoptive parent should be aware of attachment issues, and working on them from day 1. I would hope and pray that whatever agency they worked w/would have educated them and that they'd be working on it from the get go.

 

Waiting can cause more issues.

 

 

YES. :iagree:But sadly many agencies do not prepare families for this.

[deacongirl]

I'm not questioning the parents being loving or dedicated.

 

I'm questioning not taking a break from reg activities to focus on bonding w/their new dd, w/out outside ppl and distractions. Which is why I'm wondering what the agency taught or didn't teach.

 

Adopting a child is so very different than having a newborn in the house, and even then, there are various schools of thought re:public outings w/a newborn.

 

I *really* hope and pray that these parents have been fully educated in terms of attachment issues, etc.

 

 

YES YES YES! This exactly. Well-intentioned APs who are not informed about attachment in adoption, particularly with an older child, need to get informed very quickly.

[deacongirl]

Apples and oranges. Your child was with you from birth in a loving, secure environment. This child has been ripped from her life and forced into a new one. Same behavior. Much different starting points and motivation.

;)

 

:iagree::iagree:

[saw]

While I agree that the indiscriminate affection is a red flag, I think that the length of time the child has been with her adoptive family is also relevant. If the child hasn't been with them for that long, I would be less likely to consider this a red flag. I say this as the adoptive parent of a nearly 6 yo, adopted at 2.5 and supremely indiscriminate in affection for much of his first year with us, yet now securely attached and appropriately affectionate.

[Ruby Rose]

Haven't read the other replies, but the child is probably used to vying for the attention of strangers. She has probably never had a consistent caregiver. My suggestion would be for her parents to be is ONLY caregivers for awhile so she recognizes them for their role. That means they are the only one to kiss boo boos, put to bed, bath, take to potty, dress, feed, etc.

[SKL]

It's called "mommy shopping" and yes, it is about adoption and attachment. It is "natural" for a child in that situation, BUT it's a symptom and there are helpful ways to handle it. As some others have mentioned, there should be a period of time when the child is near-100% dependent upon her new parents, to meet emotional as well as physical needs. The child needs to learn that the ultimate source of all good things is her parents; then she will gradually develop trust and so on. She may have had many short-term relationships and it can take a really long time for a child with that background to learn to trust the "forever" part of "forever family." And this can lead to very deep and difficult problems.

 

So yes, if this little girl tries to court your affection, please re-direct it back to her parents. And please keep a greater-than-usual distance from the family for a while. Let the parents know why you are doing this, so they won't misunderstand and will come to appreciate it.

 

I was advised to keep my kids away from everyone else for a month (they were about 1yo when they came home; it might be longer for an older child). I didn't forbid my family etc. from coming over, but I kept it to a minimum and made sure I was the only person doing stuff like changing them, putting them to bed, bringing them out of bed, showing them new toys, etc. (It was exhausting with two, btw!). I let them use their bottles longer than they needed to and stuff like that. Still it took almost 3 months before my oldest dd was able to "melt into" me. She was the cutest little thing with others, but she needed to learn to differentiate me from the temporary people. The mama is the one who is there through thick and thin - no matter how loud, angry, stinky, pukey, naughty, or otherwise difficult you can be. Often the older the child, the longer it takes for this to be learned.

[nono]

Still it took almost 3 months before my oldest dd was able to "melt into" me.. Often the older the child, the longer it takes for this to be learned.

 

13 months for my dd to melt into me. I'll never forget how shocking it was to feel it. We were doing pretty good on the attachment front, but that day, just about the equal amount of time of the rest of her life, and she could finally give it a go again. And I knew we had crossed a bridge.

 

Hope In God, here's some essays that would lead to other links. I wish I knew what the difference is for adoptive vs. bio-hospitalized, but I'm afraid to advise based on my lack of experience. Perhaps these starting links would lead you to more relevant information for you? :grouphug::grouphug:

[kalanamak]

Much different starting points and motivation.

 

And with that, I'll stop the :boxing_smiley:. ;)

 

I do not presume to know a specific child's motivation, nor do I believe all adopted children have different motivations from all bio kids.

 

Was there a :boxing_smiley:? I missed it.

[momto3innc]

Our best friends adopted internationally a 2 yo a few years back and they followed the attachment advice well. Most family/friends did not understand and thought...oh your little one is here...can't wait to hold them, play with them, etc... No way.

For the first month, it was just the 3 of them...no one else. That was insanely hard for them cause they had just been gone overseas, but they stuck to me (dh did go to work and come home, but again just the 3 of them). The only exception is they allowed their parents to come over briefly a couple times each. The grandparents did not hold or hug. They did not feed him or give him toys. Just visited.

Once the month was up they gradually eased in but for a LONG time no one else fed him, gave him toys, held him. They took it seriously and honestly, now several years later, it has paid off. He is super well attached now and has adjusted well. Grandparents can now spoil the heck out of him as well as anyone else. They just had to make sure he knew, beyond any doubt, that they were mom and dad and was completely bonded to them. He was/is very social to and I really think that given his personality they could have had troubles if they were not so vigilant.

[nono]

Was there a :boxing_smiley:? I missed it.

 

No, simply that I did want to acknowledge you might feel I was beating up on your post. :)

 

 

And, I seldom get to use that smiley...

[Pamela H in Texas]

This is *really* hard for us. I have two kids who are indiscriminately affectionate (all three have attachment issues).

 

This week, we have been busier with lots of people. They have been in our home almost 14 months (and have been with most of these people before). And it is DRIVING ME CRAZY how they are acting because though it is "so cute" and "so friendly" and "so outgoing," it is also SO WRONG. Children should NOT act like that and it should NOT be encouraged. And then I look like the ogre for pulling my kids (especially the one) back. I try not to be too forceful about it and yet that isn't clear to the kids that they can't act like that! And people just don't understand what could be wrong with being affectionate with my kids just like they would any other kid who would be so friendly. Of course, the thing is that no other kid *would* be *that* friendly.

 

I don't know what to do. I don't seem to be able to control the adults or the children enough to protect the kids from themselves. The other part that makes this harder is because EVERYONE shakes hands and hugs (from side hugs to gentle pats to full fledged hugs, depending) EVERYONE (just part of the religion, really). So it is really overwhelmingly attention filled, "friendly," and intimate anyway. It is a real issue for kids who don't see the difference in the social dance the rest of us are doing and them going overboard becoming attention hogs, "so cute," and latching on for dear life.

 

Sorry to say all this. No doubt, if these people know the potential issues, they also may feel like, "but what do we DO to keep her from acting like that especially when everyone else just doesn't get it?!?!?!" And then there is the issue of them possibly not understanding themselves which would be terribly sad.

 

I do absolutely agree with complimenting the child by complimenting the mother. "OH, your mother bought you such a pretty dress" (rather than, "you are so pretty"). "Oh, your mommy is teaching you such good manners" (rather than, "what a good girl.") "Oh go ask your mommy" (rather than, "I'm sure your mom won't mind.")

Edited June 8, 2012 by 2J5M9K

[2cents]

Here's the thing: *every* adoptive parent should be aware of attachment issues, and working on them from day 1. I would hope and pray that whatever agency they worked w/would have educated them and that they'd be working on it from the get go.

 

Waiting can cause more issues.

 

I have to agree. :( I have a good friend who went through a very bad time with attachment issues in an adopted 4 yr old. It isn't something to take a 'wait and see' approach with. Her adopted RAD child was extremely affectionate with others and much of that was directed in a manipulative manner. Honestly, it was scary to watch after a few dangerous incidents. RAD is something that needs immediate intervention and the younger the better. In a new placement, it is important to identify it quickly and address issues before it erodes the family unit.

[sparrow]

I also have a child that, at 6 years old, will go up to pretty much anyone and sit on their lap or cuddle wiith them or crawl all over them. She is very touchy. This child was a preemie and spent her first 4 months of life in the hospital. Could this be an attachment issue? She always wants to be affectionate with my husband and I too. Now that she is getting older I'm thinking hmmmm, this may need to be addressed (especially when she climbs all over some aquaintences that I consider questionable!:confused1:)

 

Is there a website with recommendations on how to deal with this?

 

Maybe. Maybe not. The fact that the child was hospitalized for her first 4 months, a time when most babies are forming strong attachments with a caregiver could definitely affect things. I would not encourage continued "lap surfing".

 

We have adopted twice and both children came to us at 6 months of age. One child was raised, for the first 6 months, with a single foster family and attached to us immediately. The other child was a preemie, hospitalized for a month, and bounced between at least 2 foster homes in the first 6 months. We had to work very hard on forming a strong attachment. All bottles were given while being held and making strong eye contact, etc. We did not have issues with affection toward strangers. Our issues were related to fear of abandonment and terror of men with booming voices :crying:. Happily, through diligence, both children adjusted beautifully.

[sparrow]

Still it took almost 3 months before my oldest dd was able to "melt into" me.

 

13 months for my dd to melt into me. I'll never forget how shocking it was to feel it. We were doing pretty good on the attachment front, but that day, just about the equal amount of time of the rest of her life, and she could finally give it a go again. And I knew we had crossed a bridge.

 

 

That's a really distinct feeling, isn't it? It brought tears to my eyes remembering. It's like they've fought the good fight and *finally* realize, you're going to stick around and love on them. It was over a year, with an arrival at 6 months of age, for my child with attachment issues.

[bethben]

We adopted dd at 2 1/2. She was the same way. We were advised to let no one else hold her for 3 months. After the three months were up, we tried letting her go to other people. At that time when she was mad at us, she would refuse our affection and only give to other people or find comfort in someone else. So we would back up with her affections and limit it only to my husband and I. It even got to a point where ds was on the no touch list because he became the comforter We would go for a couple of months where she would seem ok and then she got cozy with a strange man at the pool so back to the restrictions of just mom and dad. It took about a year for her to get appropriate responses to strangers. She's still very friendly, but its a reserved friendly. She won't give everyone affection, just those she knows. I would say she has no major attachment issues and is appropriate in her affections.

 

Beth

Edited June 8, 2012 by bethben

[msjones]

 

Hope In God, here's some essays that would lead to other links. I wish I knew what the difference is for adoptive vs. bio-hospitalized, but I'm afraid to advise based on my lack of experience. Perhaps these starting links would lead you to more relevant information for you? :grouphug::grouphug:

 

Wow. I followed the link and read some essays. I see that I haven't just been imagining that something is 'off' with this little one.

 

I plan to speak to a mutual friend of ours -- she is trusted by the mom and they have a much closer friendship than we do. I think she'll be able to approach the mom and have a fruitful conversation.

[KrissiK]

I think you should go with your gut feeling on that, but the adoptive parents should really delve into the history of that child. What happened to that child the first couple years of life makes a huge difference. Just because a child is adopted, doesn't mean there will be attachment issues. In our adoption classes, they said that children who have attached as infants shouldn't have a whole lot of problems attaching later (broad generalization here). Even in a highly dysfunctional home, attachment does happen. Of course there are other issues.... We have adopted 5 children (3 are finalized, the younger 2 we've had for 10 months now) and haven't had any attachment issues (so far). They were all under 2 years of age when we got them, except for #4, who was 2 1/2. Our youngest, who was 10 months when we got her attached to me immediately. Within a week I was the only one who could comfort her and if I left her for any amount of time she'd cry. Now, she's better. She'll stay with Grandma and Grandpa with out a fuss. We didn't do a lot of cocooning when we got our kids. We tend to lead a quiet life, in general, but I think the fact that I'm a SAHM and we lead a very predictable life and the people who are in our life are close to us emotionally helped a lot!

[Haiku]

I don't know anything about adoptions or attachment issues, but I'd be inclined to just keep silent about any concerns. Let them revel in their happiness. If she develops any concerns in the future, be a sounding board and a support, but don't be the one to bring it up.

 

We adopted a child that we ended up spending three years in RAD therapy with.

 

DON'T KEEP SILENT!

 

Indiscriminate affection is a HUGE warning sign for attachment issues, and non-family members playing into the "affection," which isn't really affection but an attempt to control, will only make things worse.

 

If the parents don't already know this, THEY NEED TO BE MADE AWARE.

 

Tara

[Pamela H in Texas]

non-family members playing into the "affection," which isn't really affection but an attempt to control, will only make things worse.

 

 

Tara, Please advise me on this. I just have no clue how to keep this from happening. I think homeschooling will help (esp the one child). But what about in certain groups of people? Not going just isn't an option.

 

Earlier, after replying, I thought that one thing that may be playing into it is that I encourage us to walk around and "mingle." This is really something encouraged and something I used to not do much. But maybe if I stayed standing near our seats. Then people are leaning over our seats or the seats in front of us to hug or handshake. I will also find it easier to reign kids in that way. And I will have an extra second to ask people to please not pick them (esp the littlest) up. Seems like it would just naturally put a little more barrier to some of the behaviors. Additionally, if someone was struggling, having them sit at my feet or even just in their seat would make a difference, helping them not have those experiences or use that "power."

 

But seriously, any other ideas are greatly appreciated. The last two days of this busy busy week have upset me something awful, knowing this behavior is just hurting them more but feeling unable to make them and others completely STOP already.

[Denisemomof4]

What would "working on it" entail?

 

They adopted through a large, well-established agency that provided lots of support and information.

 

This means absolutely NOTHING. The large, well established agency we adopted through were extremely neglectful, on purpose, in educating prospective adoptive parents.

 

Your poor friends have no idea how big a mistake it is to allow their newly adopted chikd to behave in this manner, attachment issues or not. And btw, I am an expert on attachment disorder or RAD. I have lived with it for eight years now. What they are allowing is going to do tremendous damage to the relationship with your friends. I see red flags all over what little you describe. In our adoption group there were 17 families. My dd, by far, was the carming little love from the get go, and she hated me from the moment she met me at 14 months. It took ke years to figure out what was wrong. I do hope your friends find out sooner rather than later as their dd is only 3.

[Denisemomof4]

Typically the advice is some sort of cocooning as a family in the early days and weeks to establish a sense that this is YOUR family and to help the new family bond together.

 

Some of the things I've heard of include taking the child back to infancy, wrapping them in a blanket, rocking them, even offering a bottle, all the things you do w/an infant to take them back to that stage and bond, give them what they may have missed.

 

:iagrebut I don't think anyone should say anything unless they have personal experience. I just hope your friend doesn't experience the heart break we have. The sooner she gets educated and help, the better.

[Denisemomof4]

we are in the middle of adopting right now and everything i've read said it is helpful to limit her affection to mom/dad only. So others should be told to redircect her back to mom/dad when she tries to hug/kiss others. You can say, hugs/kisses are for mom! i don't think she should be allowed to go around being so affectionate with others, but i'm pretty new to this so hopefully someone else with more experience will chime in

 

You are absolutely right.

[Denisemomof4]

She definitely "works the room." She's good at it! She kisses and hugs and touches and climbs into laps. Everyone loves her.

 

It's much more than your regular 'friendly' child. That's what strikes me as so odd.

 

That was my dd at 14 months of age. I am VERY concerned for your friend and their dd.

[Denisemomof4]

^This -- 100%.

 

Support your friend by talking in front of the child about what a good mommy she has.

 

If mom tells child to do something and she ignores it or doesn't do as she's told, say, "Listen to your mommy. She's a good mommy," for example. Redirect all affection to mom/dad. With a smile for the child, say, "Your hugs and kisses are for *your* family."

 

Don't allow her to sit on your lap or hold your hand. Let mom do all comfort, feeding and discipline, etc. If she asks you for something, say, "Ask your mommy," etc. (All of this should be said with a kind, sweet tone.)

 

HIH,

 

Lisa

mom of one bio dd and one ds adopted at age 4.5

 

:iagree:

If only more people knew this. If only others wouldn't get offended when parents inform others of this.