Major venting needed! I am a terrible mother!

[home4school]

You can really tell summer's here with all the parenting/discipline posts! Well, here's mine.....I am the worst mother/wife/daughter ever and I just feel like crawling in hole or running away or I just don't know what. I am just tired, really, really tired. I am depressed, on the verge of tears constantly, no energy, always mad. Sound lovely, don't I?

 

I posted a few months ago about an issue with my mother, she lives in an in-law suite here. That has made relations between me, her, and my dh strained to the max. My post then was about how since I'm the common denominator in all these situations (with her, with dh, with dc) if I was gone, maybe they could all separate and live normal, healthy, happy lives again!

 

But not even focusing on the stress that situation is causing, I am about to lose my mind with my dc, one in particular. They absolutely HATE anything they think is learning. I believe the oldest has influenced the younger in this, but regardless they fight me every step of the way on school (oldest more so)! Over summer, we were only going to do math (behind-trying to get caught up), Bible devotional, and reading thru SoTW. Everyday, everything is a fuss. Whining, complaining, eye-rolling.....

 

I have spent I don't know how many $$$ buying "FUN" stuff for school and they just balk. That's boring, I don't want to, blah, blah, blah. Well I am fed UP!!!!

 

I decided yesterday I would try to make excercising a regular part of my day again to see if it helped me feel better. I never do ANYTHING for me (there's no time after taking care of her, the dc,and everyone else)! They had been watching tv and playing video games for a bit and I told them to find something outside or in another room for a while so I could exercise. The oldest says "Well go do it downstairs." HUH????? We batted back and forth "I will do it right here"----"No, just go downstairs"----Who does he think he is? He's 12 BTW. This continued until I was too mad to do it anymore and just said forget it. I went in the laundry room to resume my maid type duties and he comes in and says "Sorry. You can exercise in the den." OHHHH, well thank you for giving your mother permission to use YOUR living room!

 

I followed most of the discipling threads lately. I am just fed up, disgusted, give out, and pretty much ready to give up. I can only imagine how much worse ds12 attitude would be if I put him in PS, which is what I would love to do right now!!!

 

I called a friend the other day to getting advice from about discipline. She is an amazing, godly woman with 4 awesome children. She told me to get the Ezzo book. Glad I haven't after following the Pearl thread yesterday! Guess she's living proof you can take something that someone has used for evil and use it for good maybe? I know she is not abusive and her kids are great.

 

So, now I need some consistency with discipline. I am going to get Grace-based Parenting from the library this week. Maybe there's something in there. I hope it applies to older children.

 

I probably am suffering from depression and need to see a counselor or someone, but there is no $$$ for that. Money is another HUGE strain now here, too.

 

I know God is trying to teach me apparently many lessons right now and I am just too dumb to get them! If we could move, it would lessen a lot of stress I believe. We wouldn't have the daily stresses with my mother, wouldn't spend so much on gas (my dh drives over 80 mi/day to work). The kids are always fussing there's nothing to do here. We have a gravel driveway, so no scooter, skateboards, bikes are really bumpy. I pretty much hate living here, too. But now is no time to sell a house! It's like God put us here, then let the bottom of the real estate market fall out to keep us put.

 

I guess my priority right now needs to be getting a discipline hold on the boys, oldest mainly and I need to figure out how to light a fire in them to want to learn. Like I said, I have bought anything and everything, but nothing catches their attention.

 

They just don't get how fortunate they are to hs. I got up, got on the bus, went to school all day, came home, did my homework with no help from anyone anytime, went to bed and did it all over again. I didn't turn out too bad. They just don't have a clue what ps kids do in a day and it just burns me up when they whine and complain about say doing somthing like flashcards! PULEZZZZZ! Give me a break!

 

Okay, I feel better. Thanks for reading this far!

 

Blessings!

[JFSinIL]

Remove tv and video games for the summer. Also computer games. If they di not want to do school stuff, they can do chores. When they complain (and they will), calmly IGNORE it and go about YOUR business.

 

You are not their maid.

You are a good mom.

You have permission to hide your head in a pillow and scream on a daily basis and eat chocolate w/o sharing. :001_smile:

 

This too shall pass.

[Marie in Oh]

Remove tv and video games for the summer. Also computer games. If they di not want to do school stuff, they can do chores. When they complain (and they will), calmly IGNORE it and go about YOUR business.

 

You are not their maid.

You are a good mom.

You have permission to hide your head in a pillow and scream on a daily basis and eat chocolate w/o sharing. :001_smile:

 

This too shall pass.

 

 

Mine are all out in the garden weeding because of their bickering.

[Dayle in Guatemala]

:grouphug:

 

You're on the right track by starting to do something for yourself each day. It can really help your outlook! Also, are you spending quiet time each day? I get up an hour earlier than everyone else to get it done. It's something I can't get through the day without. I have to do it to be able to function successfully here.

 

It sounds to me like your dc are needing some structure, too. Do they do chores? Is there order to their day or are they just free-flowing it all day going from one thing to another? We have days like that, but, for the most part, I try to put together some kind of structure for them,too. When they don't have it, then there's behavioral issues. I can tell when they've had too much free time by their attitudes and behavior.

 

It's hard when they start to grow up. I was just wondering the other day what happened to my sweet, obedient child?:glare: When did this opinionated girl move in?

 

She's learning to have an opinon different from mom and dad. But, my job is to teach her to express it in a respectful way. When I slip up on that, other things, like the way she speaks to me or her siblings start to get really bad. Her actions also speak volumes, she may obey, but, her body language tells everyone around that she isn't happy about it.

 

Have you ever read, "Shepherding a Child's Heart" by Tedd Tripp? It's so good. It's really helped me in learning to adress heart-issues in my dc. Behavior begins in the heart. It's important that we learn to address that. I would highly recommend that book!

 

Hang in there. You can do it. Find a way to get some time alone. Can your mom help out a little? Talk with your dh and get on the same page and let your dc know what the clear boundaries, consequences, and expectations are together.

 

God bless!

[WTMindy]

First of all, please make sure you are getting help if you are seriously depressed. Take the time to take care of yourself!!! It will help you parent more effectively. My heart hurts when I hear the frustration in your voice. Please know that I am saying a prayer for you now.

 

Second, I would unplug and pack away (not just turn off) all TV, video games, and anything related to that. These things can (not always do, but can) contribute to a lack of love of learning. It is easier to veg than to think. I can not stand it when kids think these things are a right and not a privilege!

 

Third, get the kids working. Work is good for the soul in so many ways. Whatever it takes to get them working. And reward any complaints with more work. Reward no complaints with time off for imaginative play or reading. NO screen time!!

 

We call this "boot camp" at our house. When things get lax, we tell the kids we are going into boot camp and all they will be doing is working and eating. ;)

 

Again, I'm praying for you today!!!

[Remudamom]

All of the above, and do you have backup from dad?

 

Don't argue with them. Next time they tell you to exercise somewhere else, just reach over and unplug the telly. That really would be a time for a hell or high water talk.

[Murphy101]

okay several issues going on...

i'll put forth my .02 and you can take it or leave as you feel its worth to you

 

1. If the home is yours, why would you have to move? If your mom cannot abide your home peacefully, then SHE is the one who needs to go. There is zero allowance given in my life for anyone who is hurting my marriage or my relationship with my kids. Not saying I wouldn't love her, just saying I value my husband and children literally above all other humans. My own mother whom I never got along with lived with while she was beign treated and eventually died from cancer. Her time in my home was pleasant because we had boundaries and she respected that. Not once did she ever say a single bad word against my dh or my children. Not out of fear of being kicked out ( there really was none of that for us) but because she was aware that differences aside, my dh was a good man and he was providing not only for our young family (we were 22 at the time with 2 children under 2yr old!) but for her comfort as well. The only time she ever insulted him was by saying thank you. Caring for family is a given in this house and there was nothing to thank us for in his opinion. So. If your mother cannot respect your husband and you, then everyone will be happier if SHE moves out.

 

2. Refuse to be the common denominator!! You are not a referree! You are the other HALF of a marriage. You must work with the other half to get results.

 

If your dc have a problem with dad, then let DAD handle it. No, he may not do what you think he should or you would do, but as long as he isn't physically abusing them - let him handle it. If you have ANY disagreements about parenting or your mother, discuss the quietly and calmly and privately with him. You MUST be a united front. I have found this to be especially true with boys. My dh walked intot he room and telling them they better never speak to me like that again has much more force than any punishment or chastisment I might give.

 

If your mother has a problem with your husband, flat out refuse to listen to her unless your husband is present. And again, unless it's abusive, side with your husband. She is a guest in your home, not a 3rd marriage partner. Kindness does not require you to adjust your entire family dynamics to suit her preferrences of how things should be done.

 

As for your dc's lack of respect and arguing with you. It takes 2 people to argue. State the situation, the proceed as planned. This includes any consequences. For example, if you wanted to exercise, then I would have said, "I'm going to exercise now, so you'll have to go do something else in other areas of the house until I'm done." When they argued, I would have said, "If you don't do it now, you'll be grounded from all electronics for the rest of the week." And I WOULD HAVE DONE IT! Do not participate in arguing. Simply follow through. Eventually they will learn that it's not up for negotiation and they will respect that you mean what you say and to listen to you. and no, it will not happen over night. It will not happen in a week. In a month you will see improvement. Do not slack off then or you will have to start all over again! Discuss doing this with your dh in private before hand and ask him to support you 100% and give you feedback on his opinion on how a situation should be handled in private. Your mother is not allowed the option of interferring. Remember people who care about your kids and your marriage (and in that regard YOU) will want you to be happy and successful in these areas - they will not seek to tear things apart or undermine you.

 

ok. off my soapbox.

Like I said, if it helps - use it. If not, good luck.:grouphug:

[Sue G in PA]

You can really tell summer's here with all the parenting/discipline posts! Well, here's mine.....I am the worst mother/wife/daughter ever and I just feel like crawling in hole or running away or I just don't know what. I am just tired, really, really tired. I am depressed, on the verge of tears constantly, no energy, always mad. Sound lovely, don't I?

 

But not even focusing on the stress that situation is causing, I am about to lose my mind with my dc, one in particular. They absolutely HATE anything they think is learning. I believe the oldest has influenced the younger in this, but regardless they fight me every step of the way on school (oldest more so)! Over summer, we were only going to do math (behind-trying to get caught up), Bible devotional, and reading thru SoTW. Everyday, everything is a fuss. Whining, complaining, eye-rolling.....

 

I have spent I don't know how many $$$ buying "FUN" stuff for school and they just balk. That's boring, I don't want to, blah, blah, blah. Well I am fed UP!!!!

 

 

 

I'm not kidding when I say that I could have written your post verbatum...except for the mother issues. Taking time for yourself right now is KEY...but it is easier said than done, I know. I haven't had time for ME in months. I'm not a good mother when my "love tank" is empty and my "love tank" has been empty for a long time. It seems that eveyrone wants something from me, for me to do something for them. I feel like screaming, "What about ME?" most of the time. If you are depressed, and it sounds like you might be, make it a priority to see a counselor or physician. I know how money issues can exacerbate it...I'm there. I'm not pro-medication for depression and dig my heels in when anybody mentions it to me, but if it is necessary to get you on an even keel...I'd go for it. Really. I've been where you are and humbly admit that I am there now. Again. I'm praying for you. Hang in there. As my dh said last night...this is NOT the end of the book. It's a chapter, a page, a sentence even. Basically...it won't always be like this. We just have to get through this chapter.

[H.S. Burrow]

:iagree: What WTMindy and Remudamom and the other posts.

 

And take care of you FIRST! Get Dad to back you up esp with your ds. I have had some, not all, but some of these same things from my dc, esp my dd 13 going on 30. Some of the most effective "punishment" around here has been to ignore my dc.

 

I have taken the day "off" before...I have a friend who took a week off and did nothing but play her dc's video games and let everyone fend for themselves. They no longer take her for granted.

 

 

 

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Praying for you!

[nakitty]

Arrrgggghhhh....it ate my post.

 

Well you've already gotten very good advice from others anyhow...

 

I want to add though....that even if you cannot afford mental health services...you should have a county mental health agency that is designed to help those that cannot afford it...including getting you medication for free or on a sliding scale. My Mom works for one in Kansas and they help many many people that are unable to pay anything at all....

 

:grouphug:

[home4school]

Thanks for all your replies! I just feel like, as far as our day-to-day, with the bickering, whining, back-talking, and discipline inconsistency on my part, we're in this vicious circle that I can't break. I can't tell you HOW MANY times I myself and my dh and I have sat the kids down and said "Things are going to be different now. From now on, when you blah blah blah, then we will blah blah blah!" But I don't follow through and that is my fault. I just get so worn down, I guess I just let them win.

 

My dh is very supportive except for the TV part. I took TV away the other day and I heard my oldest tell youngest "Don't worry, Daddy will be home in a little while and he always turns it on as soon as he comes in"! I will tell my dh I took TV away from them and he will say "Well you better send them to another room! I didn't get punished!" I think they would all shrivel up without it!

 

I just need to get a more balanced schedule with a little time for me, some for math and such, some play. etc.....I really didn't want them to have a whole summer of tv and goofing off bc it makes it so hard to start school back.

 

As far as moving and my mother, she paid to have her inlaw suite built and will not leave without her money. They only way we could pay her back is to sell. So, here we are! We really had the best intentions, but I truly don't know what I was thinking! She HATES my dh and makes no effort to hide it. But he's pretty much about her the same way. I really hate to move and put her alone again though, she's almost 80! Great daughter, huh?

 

Thanks again for all your replies! BTW, where do you get that plumbing piece the Pearls recommend? I've got several people here I could use it on! Joking...really....maybe.....not!

 

Blessings,

Kim

[starlashine]

As to your mother, she paid to have her inlaw suite, and that's great, but that doesn't mean she paid for the rest of the house. If she is being a pain outside her area, tell her to go back to her area as nicely as you can. JMHO. As to kids and video game/tv usage, I have had a lot of success with no screen time till school work is done, no screen time if you are disrespectful about school time, etc. You do have to work to stick to it, but sending them away to their room is helpful. I have also found it helpful to have the hubby deal with any disrespectful behavior towards me. It seems to sink in better when I'm not the one pointing it out. I just tell him what it was, and he goes and has the discussion. My son is almost gentlemanly now. HTH

[Mandamom]

I took TV away the other day and I heard my oldest tell youngest "Don't worry, Daddy will be home in a little while and he always turns it on as soon as he comes in"! I will tell my dh I took TV away from them and he will say "Well you better send them to another room! I didn't get punished!" >>

 

I'm sorry you are going through a difficult time. I did want to share that my dh loves tv too and turns it on all the time. When I do ground the kids from electronics/screens and our tv is in the main part of the house the kids must go to their room while the television is on/for the evening or they can spend the time running around outside. (I will not take away outside play/exercise from the kids because when I was growing up I saw the effects on a few neighborhood friends.)

[Mekanamom]

All of the above, and do you have backup from dad?

 

Don't argue with them. Next time they tell you to exercise somewhere else, just reach over and unplug the telly. That really would be a time for a hell or high water talk.

 

:iagree: Yep.

 

"You can either leave the room so I can exercise right now, OR you can leave the room to go clean the bathroom until I am done exercising."

 

I tell my kids we can do things the hard way or the easy way. Either way it gets done.

 

It takes more effort to do things the hard way at first- but once they know you mean it, they're more likely to choose the easy way.

 

Good for you to be doing things for you! You are worth it!!

 

ETA: I don't spank... the "hard way" for us usually involves extra work from the kids. They have their regular chores, of course, but there is always something extra around the house or yard that needs to be done. Whatever that job is will fit the bill.

 

I also use the "chip system" for both rewards and punishments. Chips can be earned by doing a good job or having a great attitude. They can be lost for bad attitudes, not getting their work done, or for being unkind, etc. When all the chips have been earned, they get $5.00. I wrote a blog entry about it a while back when I first implemented it- so far I really like it. We've refined it a bit over time to better fit our needs, but the basic idea is in this blog post.

[Melissa in CA]

I know the Ezzo's have a bad rap right now, but I wouldn't throw out the baby with the bathwater. I learned some very good parenting tools from them that made a huge difference in my children. Nothing abusive, just good solid parenting. I took the teaching nuggets that I felt profitable, and discarded the rest. I liked that they gave me concrete examples of things to do...not just philosophy's of how things "should" be. This was many years ago though....Um, like 17! So I don't know what they are now teaching and if it has changed for the better, or the worse.

[Julie in CA]

My dh is very supportive except for the TV part. I took TV away the other day and I heard my oldest tell youngest "Don't worry, Daddy will be home in a little while and he always turns it on as soon as he comes in"! I will tell my dh I took TV away from them and he will say "Well you better send them to another room! I didn't get punished!" I think they would all shrivel up without it!

 

 

You don't have to have the tv off when your dh is home--my dh would be the same way. Having the tv off *every single moment* (no exceptions) that dh isn't home would still be a really big improvement.

 

Have your list of jobs ready for any whiners, and make sure that it's stuff your dh would really love to have done, so that he'll be on board with enforcing that it be done.

 

One other thing...I think you've got to get better at not engaging in unpleasant conversations with both your dc and your mom. Tell your mom that whenever she expresses any (and I mean ANY) negative thoughts about your dh, she will need to leave your part of your home. This would be absolutely non-negotiable for me, and if you love your dh, I think you need to make it non-negotiable for you too.

 

Along the same lines, I don't think you should do the back-and-forth thing with your dc. Ever. Never-ever. You say your peace, you ignore any further comments after that, and you make them pay in a multitude of ways until they fall into a better habit of communicating with you.

 

A polite appeal to you is one thing, putting themselves on equal footing so far as authority and respect is another.

 

You do sound depressed...and probably it will be very hard to make any positive change until that's dealt with. I've found that it's very very hard to carry out the task of finding mental health care while you're in the midst of depression. The job just seems too big and impossible, so you sit without any hope of improving the situation.

 

Here's what I'd try:

Look in your phone book's government pages for your city or county, and try to find the number for social services. Call them and explain that you are depressed, unable to pay, and don't know where to get help. If they don't help you, see the next idea.

 

As a more or less last resort, think of the person you know who's most likely to get things done.

You know what I mean--these are the gals who organize church nurseries, plan field trips, organize community service organizations.

Even if you're not close, and even though it may be difficult, go to one of these types of folks and ask for help with your situation, from a standpoint of asking that person to help you make a game-plan for getting mental health help. People who aren't depressed and have great organizational skills will have a clearer idea of what you should do next. You'd probably be surprised at how many people are willing to help with this if you just ask. You should not go into detail with them about your problems, just say that you're experiencing some overwhelming depression and are having trouble making a plan for dealing with getting help.

 

Things can get better--and they will!

 

My thoughts and prayers are with you, as we all work to get through our days of mothering, daughtering, and wife-ing. :001_smile:

[Kelli in TN]

I think you have received incredible advice throughout this thread and I can't add a thing except to say that we should change the title of this thread from "I am a terrible mother" to "I am understandably overwhelmed with my circumstances". That fits your situation much better.:grouphug:

[Danestress]

First the "learning" part. I have one child who learns all kinds of things because he is endlessly interested in everything. He reads all the times, and comes to me regularly with fascinating facts about famous people, science .... whatever. He also works on his sport of choice (swimming) with a dedication that is almost amusing. He's just lively minded. He is a complete and total joy to raise. But he's unusual. This isn't normal. I love it, but know that my other boys who have to be dragged through Latin and Math are "normal." Few kids gets up on a nice summer morning and says "let's decline some irregular nouns (including my more eager learner - he has his limits!)"

 

So stop thinking you are going to find the perfect "fun" way to educate. Sometimes there isn't a fun way. Somethings you just have to do. THis isn't a failure on your part. It's not because you failed to give them a love of learning. They are normal. You just have to make them do it and manage the personalities that errupt in the process.

 

If I were you, I would seriously seriously limit all this tv, computer, video stuff. They don't need it. They just want it. I would make a list of what each child needs to do in order to have his ONE hour total a day of screen time (if you even want to give them that much, and I don't think you have to, but reasonble minds differ on this). That list would include some housework, some yard work, some school work, and some music practice (if you do that) EVERY day. Finish it all, you get your one hour. Don't finish it and not only do you not get the screen time, you really get no privileges. It would not be an onerous list - for us, this is summer. But my kids do the things I ask of them or they regret it.

 

Anyway, if my son at 14 had talked to me the way yours talked to you, he would have been unable to watch tv for weeks. And I would NEVER have backed down and left that den. Which doesn't make you a bad Mom. It means he should thank is lucky stars he's not living here:)

 

Hang in there.

[Remudamom]

The mom/dh thing bothers me. I'd tell my mother that disrespect towards my husband would not be tolerated at all. Send her to her room too.

 

Maybe if she straightens up he won't dislike her as much. She might think she's too old to change, she'll die a nasty old woman if she doesn't.

[Greta]

I haven't read the other replies, this is just my own gut reaction to your post. First of all, I think your instincts to avoid the Ezzo book are right on. I haven't read it, but I've read the Pearls, and I understand that they are cut from the same cloth. If you want a really fantastic book on parenting that is from a Christian perspective, please consider Boundaries with Kids instead. This book will help you learn how to set appropriate limits with your kids, limits built on a foundation of love, respect, and appreciation. It is a wonderful book!

 

Secondly, this may sound just plain mean, but when my daughter balks at being asked to do something she doesn't want to do (or told to stop doing something she wants to do), I give her a choice between doing what I just asked her to do, and doing something much worse. That might sound cruel, but really I'm not talking about anything off the charts here, just the normal stuff that any 8 yo should be responsible for. Take your situation of wanting to use the room to exercise and asking that the tv be turned off. I would have told her something like it was time for me to exercise and she could go read or do art work (things that she enjoys, though she'd chose electronic entertainment over them if given the option!). Minor disappointment or grumbling doesn't bother me, but if she unduly protested or argued, I would say "okay, in that case, you can go put away the clean dishes in the dishwasher instead". I suppose that's a little devious on my part, but it works!

 

Thirdly, and perhaps most importantly, YOU ARE NOT A TERRIBLE MOTHER! I don't even know you and I can tell that from your post. Cut yourself some slack. And good for you for wanting to take some time every day to take care of yourself. You need it and deserve it.

 

:grouphug:

 

http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Kids-Henry-Cloud/dp/0310243157/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1215033061&sr=8-1

[home4school]

I only have a minute, I'm right in the middle of cooking supper. My dh called to say he was on his way home and I was telling him about an incident with ds12 - I had sent him to his room for smart-mouthing. Ds10 told me later that ds12 said, "I hate her so much! She is so mean!" I promised ds10 I wouldn't tell ds12 he told me, so I told dh not to say anything about it either.

 

I had told dh the other day that I just felt like ds12 really just didn't LIKE me anymore. He said I was silly. On the phone just now he told me it sounded like I was right, that ds12 really just doesn't seem to like me. I am just really sad.

 

I do a lot for the boys. I take them to places and actually play not just sit on the bench. Go to the water park, I'm on all the rides with them while dh watches mostly. Of all of their friends, I'm the only one pretty much that plays baseball, jumps of the diving board, you know, things boys like to do.

 

But I don't try to do the "friend" thing though. I do still try to enforce my authority as parent.

 

I just feel like my heart's broke right now.

 

Thanks

Me

[nakitty]

I only have a minute, I'm right in the middle of cooking supper. My dh called to say he was on his way home and I was telling him about an incident with ds12 - I had sent him to his room for smart-mouthing. Ds10 told me later that ds12 said, "I hate her so much! She is so mean!" I promised ds10 I wouldn't tell ds12 he told me, so I told dh not to say anything about it either.

 

I had told dh the other day that I just felt like ds12 really just didn't LIKE me anymore. He said I was silly. On the phone just now he told me it sounded like I was right, that ds12 really just doesn't seem to like me. I am just really sad.

 

I do a lot for the boys. I take them to places and actually play not just sit on the bench. Go to the water park, I'm on all the rides with them while dh watches mostly. Of all of their friends, I'm the only one pretty much that plays baseball, jumps of the diving board, you know, things boys like to do.

 

But I don't try to do the "friend" thing though. I do still try to enforce my authority as parent.

 

I just feel like my heart's broke right now.

 

Thanks

Me

 

I guess I just look at it differently....when my kids say they hate me, and they do, I just figure it's the price of being a Mom. If they like everything we do and/or say...we're probably letting them get away with too much. ;) And part of that is just normal preteen/teen hormonal nonsense...he DOESN'T hate you....he may not LIKE you at this point...but I really don't think that says anything about you or your character...it's just what most kids do as part of the growing up and getting independent that they must go through... take it with a grain of salt....and remember...when he acts like a brat....do you feel much fondness for HIM??? BUT, you do still love him, correct? I have bad days too....and I know what it is like to feel like a crappy Mom/Wife/Daughter/Sister/HUMAN....and this too shall pass. :grouphug:

[TXMomof4]

 

I had told dh the other day that I just felt like ds12 really just didn't LIKE me anymore. He said I was silly. On the phone just now he told me it sounded like I was right, that ds12 really just doesn't seem to like me. I am just really sad.

 

I do a lot for the boys. I take them to places and actually play not just sit on the bench. Go to the water park, I'm on all the rides with them while dh watches mostly. Of all of their friends, I'm the only one pretty much that plays baseball, jumps of the diving board, you know, things boys like to do.

 

But I don't try to do the "friend" thing though. I do still try to enforce my authority as parent.

 

I just feel like my heart's broke right now.

 

Thanks

Me

 

 

I tell my kids all the time, it isn't my job to make them like me. My job is to make sure they grow up into responsible, capable human beings. And you know what? I've even told my oldest, when she's in one of her ugly, foul tempered moods, that I don't want to be around her when she's that way and I don't HAVE to be.

I remember so well thinking my mom was the dumbest, meanest, most out-of-touch person in the world. I remember it clearly! But my mom is my best friend now. Looking back I can see that she was a steadfast, consistent mother. I hope that's what my kids see in the long run. Today I may be an evil toad, but someday I hope to be the cool mom.

[Linda in NE]

Both of my boys have, at one time or another, told me that they hate me. Usually, it's in the heat of the moment. Sometimes not. I know how that hurts. My standard reply to that comment is, "That's okay. I love you enough for both of us right now." That tends to take some of the self-righteous wind out of their sails. It's true, too. I do love them enough for both of us, even though I might despise their behavior at the time. The one thing I offer my children is unconditional love. I often tell them I will always love them no matter what. Their behavior at times -- not so much.

 

My parents never offered me the same comfort and security. It was their way or the highway. I was "excommunicated" from the family for years at a time at a couple of points in my life when I could have benefited from some real down-and-dirty parenting. Somewhere to turn when I really messed up, knowing they would love me in spite of myself.

 

So, loving them doesn't necessarily mean you give them their own way. Their own way is not what they ultimately need, but they do need to know that you can be angry, you can discipline them, but at the same time, no one, save their God, will ever love them more. (I don't know if you are Christian, so ignore the caveat in the previous sentence if it is inconsistent with your beliefs.)

 

Buck up. Boys are tough. They are trying to be "men," and momma/son relationships often end up as collateral damage at this time in their lives. I'm in the middle of it, too. My boys are 11 and 13. Oy vey.

[xxxxxxxx]

:grouphug:

 

You're on the right track by starting to do something for yourself each day. It can really help your outlook! Also, are you spending quiet time each day? I get up an hour earlier than everyone else to get it done. It's something I can't get through the day without. I have to do it to be able to function successfully here.

 

It sounds to me like your dc are needing some structure, too. Do they do chores? Is there order to their day or are they just free-flowing it all day going from one thing to another? We have days like that, but, for the most part, I try to put together some kind of structure for them,too. When they don't have it, then there's behavioral issues. I can tell when they've had too much free time by their attitudes and behavior.

 

It's hard when they start to grow up. I was just wondering the other day what happened to my sweet, obedient child?:glare: When did this opinionated girl move in?

 

She's learning to have an opinon different from mom and dad. But, my job is to teach her to express it in a respectful way. When I slip up on that, other things, like the way she speaks to me or her siblings start to get really bad. Her actions also speak volumes, she may obey, but, her body language tells everyone around that she isn't happy about it.

 

Have you ever read, "Shepherding a Child's Heart" by Tedd Tripp? It's so good. It's really helped me in learning to adress heart-issues in my dc. Behavior begins in the heart. It's important that we learn to address that. I would highly recommend that book!

 

Hang in there. You can do it. Find a way to get some time alone. Can your mom help out a little? Talk with your dh and get on the same page and let your dc know what the clear boundaries, consequences, and expectations are together.

 

God bless!

 

Shepherding a Child's Heart is good and also a book for when they are teenagers......Here is a link.........

http://www.amazon.com/Age-Opportunity-Biblical-Parenting-Resources/dp/B0018SY5F4/ref=pd_sim_b_3

[home4school]

I guess I know that most all kids tell their parents they hate them at some time or another and at least he didn't say it to my face. It was just the straw that broke the old, lazy, tired, worn out, feeling really old and blah camel's back!

 

We have a hs family we're friends with and the mom is the Martha Stewart of hs. The kids are little genius angels. In the beginning, talking to her gave me something to aspire to. Now, just makes me wanna' slit my wrists!:glare: My boys came home from there a while back raving about their GeoSafari--the coolest thing ever. Oh, and SnapCircuits, how did we survive without those?? So, I bought them SC and found a GSafari used at the last homeschool book sale. Won't touch 'em! Haven't even gotten them out! "It was just fun at their house!" Huh???

 

Its just frustrating that they seem to do the things I want them to and show interest in things I want them to when they're away from me. Just don't understand it.

 

Maybe I just don't have a nuturing teacher presence.

 

Thanks for listening. I guess I have whined and complained enough for today!

 

Blessings!

[nakitty]

I guess I know that most all kids tell their parents they hate them at some time or another and at least he didn't say it to my face. It was just the straw that broke the old, lazy, tired, worn out, feeling really old and blah camel's back!

 

We have a hs family we're friends with and the mom is the Martha Stewart of hs. The kids are little genius angels. In the beginning, talking to her gave me something to aspire to. Now, just makes me wanna' slit my wrists!:glare: My boys came home from there a while back raving about their GeoSafari--the coolest thing ever. Oh, and SnapCircuits, how did we survive without those?? So, I bought them SC and found a GSafari used at the last homeschool book sale. Won't touch 'em! Haven't even gotten them out! "It was just fun at their house!" Huh???

 

Its just frustrating that they seem to do the things I want them to and show interest in things I want them to when they're away from me. Just don't understand it.

 

Maybe I just don't have a nuturing teacher presence.

 

Thanks for listening. I guess I have whined and complained enough for today!

 

Blessings!

 

Awwww.... I'm sorry you are having such a hard time of it....I really am! You need some real live support with people you can relate to (not the perfect lady, LOL)....and online friends do help...but having someone local would be ideal....any chance of HS support groups in your area? It's all very normal ornery kid stuff...my Mom used to go insane because I would go to my friends house and clean THEIR rooms...and help THEIR moms with stuff...and never give THEIR moms attitude...and then their moms would call my Mom and rave and rave about me and 'how can they get their kids to be so helpful...' and my mom would just be all :blink::banghead::svengo:....and explain that I was NOT that way at home....:lol:

[Murphy101]

The mom/dh thing bothers me. I'd tell my mother that disrespect towards my husband would not be tolerated at all. Send her to her room too.

 

Maybe if she straightens up he won't dislike her as much. She might think she's too old to change, she'll die a nasty old woman if she doesn't.

 

Ok if your mother wanted to build on - that was her choice and her financial loss. Did you make a contract to pay her back for the add on? Do you or your kids benefit from the add on, or is it all "her space"? If the answer is no, then she shouldn't have any legal claim on your funds or your home. Has she gotten liens against your home for the add on or anythign else? I don't see you losing your home or being forced to let her live with you. I'd completely not cooperate with her and I'd get an atty NOW. It sounds like she is vindictive and manipulitive, so I don't see her being happy about you not doing what she wants and retaliating. Protect your marriage and your children FIRST.

 

Bless you, I'm so sorry you are in this situation and hope you get out of it quick.:grouphug:

[Happy]

All of the above, and do you have backup from dad?

 

Don't argue with them. Next time they tell you to exercise somewhere else, just reach over and unplug the telly. That really would be a time for a hell or high water talk.

 

Amen, Amen, and Amen.

[Laurie4b]

Sorry you are feeling so down.

 

It's normal for kids to say stuff like your ds12 said. At that age, it's really helpful if DAD, not mom, takes on more of the discipline. That helped a whole lot at our house. I may do the planning, etc. of school, but dh does the "enforcement." Same with chores. This gets the whole mother-son separation thing out of the equation.

[Remudamom]

I only have a minute, I'm right in the middle of cooking supper. My dh called to say he was on his way home and I was telling him about an incident with ds12 - I had sent him to his room for smart-mouthing. Ds10 told me later that ds12 said, "I hate her so much! She is so mean!" I promised ds10 I wouldn't tell ds12 he told me, so I told dh not to say anything about it either.

 

I had told dh the other day that I just felt like ds12 really just didn't LIKE me anymore. He said I was silly. On the phone just now he told me it sounded like I was right, that ds12 really just doesn't seem to like me. I am just really sad.

 

I do a lot for the boys. I take them to places and actually play not just sit on the bench. Go to the water park, I'm on all the rides with them while dh watches mostly. Of all of their friends, I'm the only one pretty much that plays baseball, jumps of the diving board, you know, things boys like to do.

 

But I don't try to do the "friend" thing though. I do still try to enforce my authority as parent.

 

I just feel like my heart's broke right now.

 

Thanks

Me

 

Don't let it get to you. I doubt very seriously that he meant it. Their emotions just get the best of them at this age. Just smile and wave, mom.

[Delighted3]

I feel for you about the 12 year old boy thing. I think homeschooling teenage boys is especially hard for Moms because the boy is wanting to be a man and that means he really wants to assert himself to lead over his Mom. My oldest son is 19 and we have been going through this for years. He is a good kid, but he really wants to be in charge. Some advice I have to give you: Don't stoop to his level by arguing or playing the martyr. You are in charge and you need to be firm on a consistent basis. Also try to get your dh behind you. I sometimes will refuse to even grant/deny my son permission to do things if I think it is going to lead to an argument. I will immediately refer him to his Dad which means that sometimes I don't always agree with the decision that his Dad makes, but I try to trust dh in his decisions because I think sometimes it takes a man to raise a man IYKWIM.

 

What I really wanted to address is the situation with your Mom. My Mom doesn't live with us, but for years she would cause trouble between my husband and I. Not because she is evil or anything, but because she loves me and wants what she believes is best for me. She would say things like I can't believe dh does XYZ this way or treats you or the kids in this XYZ manner. I would then start thinking "Well, now that you mention it, I can't believe it either." Guess what would happen then, I would bring it up with dh and then there would be hard feelings or a disagreement between dh and I. I constantly felt like I was defending one to the other and being torn between the 2 or trying to mediate between them so they wouldn't argue because that would make me feel bad because my Mom tends to cry and is a lot more emotionally sensitive than dh, so guess who always got the sympathy. Anyway, all that history to tell you that I finally realized I had to stop trying to mediate between the two of them. It was tearing me apart. I had to learn not to engage when my Mom would criticize my dh and also realize that my dh has feelings too and although I love my Mom, my loyalty really has to be to him. Sometimes, if she brings something up I will even say "Well, that is just the way it is." and change the subject. Also, I don't try to referee if we are sitting at the dinner table or in the car and they start talking about something that I know could end up with one of them being unhappy. They are adults and really need to deal with their relationship. I think I came to this realization about 5 years ago and you know what, they get along pretty well now that I am not trying to micro manage their interactions and they have developed their own boundaries with each other.

I think you really need to have boundaries with your Mom. Don't let her make your husband into the bad guy and don't try to defend him to her, just don't engage with her about him or other choices in your life. Once your husband sees that you are not being manipulated by your Mom and you support him, he could become a whole new man especially when it comes to supporting you in parenting your sons.

Most of all, don't lose heart. As women, I think we sometimes take it upon ourselves to try and make everyone happy and then we feel like failures because we can't be all things to all people. Don't be so hard on yourself. Take some time to yourself even it involves locking yourself in your room and reading a book or painting your nails.

Sorry this is so long. I hope you find something helpful in this book I wrote:)

Joy

[Rosie_0801]

Time to re-read 'Little Women?'

;)

Rosie

[Laurie4b]

Another book recommendation is Teen Proofing by John Rosemond. He addresses in a healthy, freeing way the "I'm a terrible mother" thought process that so many parents go through as well as giving parenting advice.

[lori in tx]

I really suggest the boundaries books, that book was a life changing thing for me. Boundaries are great and once you learn how to use and keep them you will be a changed woman. Do you go to church? Maybe your church has some counseling services, ours does and it is on a sliding scale.

 

Being 12yo is such an awful time, I should know I have a 13yo and 11.5 yo boys and boy I am having an awful time:lol: My son constantly says something snarky like your son did and then thinks about it and comes to apologize. Most of the time I know he means it and forgive him and it is the end of the story but if he did not mean it, it would end differently.

 

I agree with the poster who said you should not be the refree, this is their relationship not yours. If they dislike each other fine but don't allow them to drag you in the middle of it, I had to do that with my mom. I finally told her, "You can hate my dh that is fine, but you need to do it privately. He is the man I love and I will not chose between you!" That changed everything for awhile, they get along much better in fact my parent use to really love him but we lost everything in bad investments and became poorish (not poor but living paycheck to paycheck) and they don't like him again:glare: OHHH well say it with me, "You can hate my dh that is fine but do it privately. He is the man I love and I will nto chose between you!"

 

Teens are so hard, just know you are not alone, I have posted several times about my dd she is coming off grounding today after being grounded from the phone for a month(phone is her currency). Figuring out what your kids currency is key, if I grounded my son from the phone it would not mean a thing (he talks on the phone maybe 3 times per year) so his currency is playstation time. My dd was grounded so long from the phone that at one point, she got in trouble again:glare: that we decided to punish her differently because what is one more day if you still have 20 so she had to clean the boys bathroom.

 

Don't know if I have helped just know you are not alone with teen angst, my mom does not live with us and probably never will ( my dh smokes and she has asthma) so we are not even a choice, and I am not complaining :tongue_smilie: But I know you are not alone in that I bet it is so hard for you to have any time alone with dh and to regroup. Maybe try set aside a time each week to chat over issues with him so you and he can come up with a plan aka a unit front. We do that and it helps a lot, we have been known to email problems during the day to get the others thoughts (so other ears can't hear). My dh knows that I rely on him to balance me out with the kids, I have been known to be either lax or drill sergenty and nothing in between.

 

Just know you are not alone!

blessings

lori