Smart mouthed 8 yo boy-appropriate consequences?

[Scarlett]

Sigh. I am floundering. How can one 8 year old boy go from sweet and loving to this smart mouth kid in a matter of minutes. And what do I do about it? Seriously, if anyone has any specific advice please give it to me.

 

Here is an example from yesterday. We were pulling weeds together. It is hot hot hot so I planned on stopping after 15 or 20 minutes or so. We weren't outside over 30 minutes total including gathering our gloves and tools. Anyway, we are pulling weeds together and having such a lovely conversation. I mentioned to him the times the Bible uses weeds in illustrations and could he see the merit in such illustrations. He did and expounded upon the whole weeds connections...happily and intelligently.

 

After a few minutes of that he asked, 'hey mom, after I finish this do you think (neighbor kids) could come over and play?' I said, 'no, not today, we have a lot to do. You will see them at swim tomorrow though.' Immediately, he goes into sour mode and says, 'Now Mom, that is what you always say. And I'm getting tired of it.' I said, 'don't speak to me in that tone.' He says, 'why, because you know its true and you don't want to hear it?' With a very smart ugly tone. (not that I can imagine those words being acceptable in ANY tone).

 

Now I am not proud of my response to him. Not so much my outward response but I felt the anger just rise up in me. He started to then wail and carry on and complain about how HOT it was and how he couldn't do anymore...just ridiculous really.

 

And just now, I was making him a sandwich and I asked him to go get the mail while I got his lunch ready. I am expecting test scores and told him to be sure and not open the mail, but to bring it all to me. (he has gotten into this habit of rummaging through my mail). He says, 'even if it has my name on it?' I said, 'yes. Even if it has your name on it, I want to see it first.' (and this is true even if I wasn't expecting test scores....too many things that are inappropriate might show up in the mail) He just goes immediately into that smart mouthed tone saying, 'That is not fair! If it has my name on it, it is MINE! It is against the law to open someone else's mail!' I said something along the lines of, 'you are being very disrespectful.' And he flails around saying, 'oh here we go again!' I mean....what am I suppose to say to that? I stood there for a minute...and then told him to go sit in the chair until I told him to get up. He did it, but very angrily.

 

I went and checked the mail and came back and finished his sandwich for him and told him to come to the table and eat. He stomped over to the table....took one look at the sandwich and said with a sour face, 'I hate this bread!!' I walked over, picked up his sandwich and tossed it out the back door to the dog.

 

So any advice on EXACTLY what to do? Lately every time I tell him to stop speaking to me that way he goes off on a tangent...and although I know I must get control of him, I'm unsure of appropriate consequences. Especially because *I* get so angry that I can't think straight.

 

Anyone?

[TXMomof4]

I wish I had some answers. My 8 yo dd is doing this now. No apparently doesn't really mean NO anymore, it means, if I whine and wheedle enough I still may get my own way. I'm sick of it, sick of sending her to her room, sick of feeling like I want to smack her...yup, just sick of it!

[Ottakee]

I would enlist dad's help as well. Have dad have a man to man conversation wtih him explaining that NO ONE (eps. not an 8 year old boy) will talk to HIS wife that way.

 

I likely would have done the same thing with the sandwich.

 

Coud it be that he needs MORE to do? I know with teen boys, if they are kept busy with constructive WORK they have a lot less time and energy to back talk. Maybe have a list of chores for him to do if he back talks to you.

[mommybee]

As a bonus it really helps them build up strong arms. So far physical work is the only thing that gets through to my boys and when there done the attitude is usually forgotten...not always....but mostly. Things like jumping jacks, moving rocks in the yard, racking, usually something they can do outside so I don't scream at them.

[Remudamom]

Well, I'd tell him what was going to happen from now on when he spoke to you like that, and then I'd make sure it happened.

 

You said something about swim? I'd tell him right now that if you got any more attitude there would be no swimming. Actually, I wouldn't let him go anyway, just based on the two incidents you just mentioned. I wouldn't care if it was a team depending on him or not, he wouldn't be going. And I'd let the coach know why too.

 

I'm proud of you for tossing the sandwich to the dog. I don't feed smart mouths around here either.

 

It sounds like to me (very gently here) that maybe you've fallen into the habit of explaining and arguing when you should be obeyed immediately. I'd nip this in the bud by making consequences very severe, and let him know that when the smart mouth stops, life will begin again.

 

Eight is really too old to spank imo, but if he was mine he'd be well advised not to turn his back on me.

[WTMindy]

Sigh. I am floundering. How can one 8 year old boy go from sweet and loving to this smart mouth kid in a matter of minutes. And what do I do about it? Seriously, if anyone has any specific advice please give it to me.

 

Here is an example from yesterday. We were pulling weeds together. It is hot hot hot so I planned on stopping after 15 or 20 minutes or so. We weren't outside over 30 minutes total including gathering our gloves and tools. Anyway, we are pulling weeds together and having such a lovely conversation. I mentioned to him the times the Bible uses weeds in illustrations and could he see the merit in such illustrations. He did and expounded upon the whole weeds connections...happily and intelligently.

 

After a few minutes of that he asked, 'hey mom, after I finish this do you think (neighbor kids) could come over and play?' I said, 'no, not today, we have a lot to do. You will see them at swim tomorrow though.' Immediately, he goes into sour mode and says, 'Now Mom, that is what you always say. And I'm getting tired of it.' I said, 'don't speak to me in that tone.' He says, 'why, because you know its true and you don't want to hear it?' With a very smart ugly tone. (not that I can imagine those words being acceptable in ANY tone).

 

Now I am not proud of my response to him. Not so much my outward response but I felt the anger just rise up in me. He started to then wail and carry on and complain about how HOT it was and how he couldn't do anymore...just ridiculous really.

 

And just now, I was making him a sandwich and I asked him to go get the mail while I got his lunch ready. I am expecting test scores and told him to be sure and not open the mail, but to bring it all to me. (he has gotten into this habit of rummaging through my mail). He says, 'even if it has my name on it?' I said, 'yes. Even if it has your name on it, I want to see it first.' (and this is true even if I wasn't expecting test scores....too many things that are inappropriate might show up in the mail) He just goes immediately into that smart mouthed tone saying, 'That is not fair! If it has my name on it, it is MINE! It is against the law to open someone else's mail!' I said something along the lines of, 'you are being very disrespectful.' And he flails around saying, 'oh here we go again!' I mean....what am I suppose to say to that? I stood there for a minute...and then told him to go sit in the chair until I told him to get up. He did it, but very angrily.

 

I went and checked the mail and came back and finished his sandwich for him and told him to come to the table and eat. He stomped over to the table....took one look at the sandwich and said with a sour face, 'I hate this bread!!' I walked over, picked up his sandwich and tossed it out the back door to the dog.

 

So any advice on EXACTLY what to do? Lately every time I tell him to stop speaking to me that way he goes off on a tangent...and although I know I must get control of him, I'm unsure of appropriate consequences. Especially because *I* get so angry that I can't think straight.

 

Anyone?

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. My 9yos will occasionally surprise me with his mouthiness also. One option would be to calmly say, "That is not an appropriate way to speak to me. The Bible is very clear about the fact that you are supposed to honor your father and mother. I would like you to go outside and weed the garden until you can come and apologize to me for speaking to me like that." If that works, GREAT. If not, I'd let my dh deal with him when he got home! (And that would not be pleasant for him, I guarantee!!)

[Scarlett]

Well, I'd tell him what was going to happen from now on when he spoke to you like that, and then I'd make sure it happened.

 

You said something about swim? I'd tell him right now that if you got any more attitude there would be no swimming. Actually, I wouldn't let him go anyway, just based on the two incidents you just mentioned. I wouldn't care if it was a team depending on him or not, he wouldn't be going. And I'd let the coach know why too.

 

I'm proud of you for tossing the sandwich to the dog. I don't feed smart mouths around here either.

 

It sounds like to me (very gently here) that maybe you've fallen into the habit of explaining and arguing when you should be obeyed immediately. I'd nip this in the bud by making consequences very severe, and let him know that when the smart mouth stops, life will begin again.

 

Eight is really too old to spank imo, but if he was mine he'd be well advised not to turn his back on me.

 

Ok....I have no problem taking swim away from him...at first he begged to quit, but now he likes it and I think he would see it as a loss. Would you really say, 'no swim tomorrow because you have a smart mouth you need to get under control?'

 

I have gotten into the habit of talking, explaining ect too much. I dont know how to break myself of that.

 

I'm good with following through on consquences...my heart is not soft in that area....but WHAT? He smart mouths me so much and so often there doesn't seem to be enough things to take away from him.

 

Ok, just re-read this...give him a severe consequence (no swimming?) and then tell him life will resume as normal when he gets it under control. Here is how that would play out....he will say, 'how long do I have to be good before I can go back to swim?'

 

And this

 

Eight is really too old to spank imo, but if he was mine he'd be well advised not to turn his back on me.

 

Made me LOL..

[nakitty]

I just let my head explode...I do NOT tolerate the smart mouth, period. They know, in no uncertain terms, that such behavior will NOT win them any points...LOL This is not a civil, positive reinforcement, type of 'head explosion'...it's the..."YOU WILL NOT TALK TO ME IN THAT TONE AGAIN UNLESS YOU WANT ME TO MAKE YOU RUE THE DAY YOU WERE BORN, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME? ARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH" type of head explosion....LOL I'm sure my approach isn't for everyone....but it works for us....luckily...since I don't know that I could really change my reaction if it didn't. I choose my battles but disrespecting me is NOT something that I will allow to go unchecked.

[TammyinTN]

For me..he would have to be good for as long as it took. He would have to understand without a doubt, it was not going to be tolerated...period!

All toys, goodies from his room, chores, etc. I'm not a hard person, but I definitely see where this could cause huge problems if the consequences aren't severe.

 

My daughter (10 at the time) had a rude mouth....she came home one day to just a mattress on the floor and a weeks worth of clothes in the closet. Made a huge impression...we talked about it just recently...she's now almost 21. She thanked me for being so hard on her.

 

You can do this!

[Scarlett]

Ok....WWIII breaking out here. He ate some crackers and PB and then I told him 'ok, I need you to do XYZ' He was just getting out his cars to play and slams them back and sulks and says something smart like, 'you always wait until I'm just about to start playing and then tell me to do something else!'

 

Soooooo I said, 'go out front and pull the weeds in the flower bed until you can come back in and behave respectfully.' He weeps and wails and slams things around and says 'that never works! It just make me mad!' And he went out and slammed the door.

 

Then he comes back in with some treasure he had found in the garage while looking for tools. All happy and wanting to clean it up and go on about his day (without pulling weeds). I sent him back out and reminded him he is to PULL WEEDS and learn to be respectful.

[Remudamom]

Ok....I have no problem taking swim away from him...at first he begged to quit, but now he likes it and I think he would see it as a loss. Would you really say, 'no swim tomorrow because you have a smart mouth you need to get under control?'

 

I have gotten into the habit of talking, explaining ect too much. I dont know how to break myself of that.

 

I'm good with following through on consquences...my heart is not soft in that area....but WHAT? He smart mouths me so much and so often there doesn't seem to be enough things to take away from him.

 

Ok, just re-read this...give him a severe consequence (no swimming?) and then tell him life will resume as normal when he gets it under control. Here is how that would play out....he will say, 'how long do I have to be good before I can go back to swim?'

 

And this

 

 

 

Made me LOL..

 

Would I really take swimming away from him??? You could bet your life on it.

If you run out of consequences or things to "take away" there's always food.

And before you ask, no, I'm not kidding. There's different levels of feeding. A cold burger with nothing on it in their room (while everyone else eats chips and fries and ice cream and cake) or skipping a meal.

 

And how long before life begins again? When you're d@mn good and ready, that's when. I wouldn't argue/explain this to him either, he's just working you there. I've told mine before "when I think you're sucking up enough to me."

 

Now, this all supposes that when things are good, you have a heart to heart talk about when things are bad. But it sounds like you have that covered.

 

 

WHOA...........you gave him crackers and PB when he didn't like the sandwich??? No way man, crack that whip. And while he's out there pulling weeds pack up those toy cars.

[WTMindy]

Ok....WWIII breaking out here. He ate some crackers and PB and then I told him 'ok, I need you to do XYZ' He was just getting out his cars to play and slams them back and sulks and says something smart like, 'you always wait until I'm just about to start playing and then tell me to do something else!'

 

Soooooo I said, 'go out front and pull the weeds in the flower bed until you can come back in and behave respectfully.' He weeps and wails and slams things around and says 'that never works! It just make me mad!' And he went out and slammed the door.

 

Then he comes back in with some treasure he had found in the garage while looking for tools. All happy and wanting to clean it up and go on about his day (without pulling weeds). I sent him back out and reminded him he is to PULL WEEDS and learn to be respectful.

 

Look on the bright side....you will get a lot of weeding done today. ;) Don't second guess yourself. You are doing the right thing. Stay firm and calm. You are a rock. If he continues to smart off, calmly find another horrible job for him to do! I'm saying a prayer for you right now that his heart will soften.

[Kelli in TN]

Sigh. I am floundering. How can one 8 year old boy go from sweet and loving to this smart mouth kid in a matter of minutes. And what do I do about it? Seriously, if anyone has any specific advice please give it to me.

 

Here is an example from yesterday. We were pulling weeds together. It is hot hot hot so I planned on stopping after 15 or 20 minutes or so. We weren't outside over 30 minutes total including gathering our gloves and tools. Anyway, we are pulling weeds together and having such a lovely conversation. I mentioned to him the times the Bible uses weeds in illustrations and could he see the merit in such illustrations. He did and expounded upon the whole weeds connections...happily and intelligently.

 

After a few minutes of that he asked, 'hey mom, after I finish this do you think (neighbor kids) could come over and play?' I said, 'no, not today, we have a lot to do. You will see them at swim tomorrow though.' Immediately, he goes into sour mode and says, 'Now Mom, that is what you always say. And I'm getting tired of it.' I said, 'don't speak to me in that tone.' He says, 'why, because you know its true and you don't want to hear it?' With a very smart ugly tone. (not that I can imagine those words being acceptable in ANY tone).

 

Now I am not proud of my response to him. Not so much my outward response but I felt the anger just rise up in me. He started to then wail and carry on and complain about how HOT it was and how he couldn't do anymore...just ridiculous really.

 

And just now, I was making him a sandwich and I asked him to go get the mail while I got his lunch ready. I am expecting test scores and told him to be sure and not open the mail, but to bring it all to me. (he has gotten into this habit of rummaging through my mail). He says, 'even if it has my name on it?' I said, 'yes. Even if it has your name on it, I want to see it first.' (and this is true even if I wasn't expecting test scores....too many things that are inappropriate might show up in the mail) He just goes immediately into that smart mouthed tone saying, 'That is not fair! If it has my name on it, it is MINE! It is against the law to open someone else's mail!' I said something along the lines of, 'you are being very disrespectful.' And he flails around saying, 'oh here we go again!' I mean....what am I suppose to say to that? I stood there for a minute...and then told him to go sit in the chair until I told him to get up. He did it, but very angrily.

 

I went and checked the mail and came back and finished his sandwich for him and told him to come to the table and eat. He stomped over to the table....took one look at the sandwich and said with a sour face, 'I hate this bread!!' I walked over, picked up his sandwich and tossed it out the back door to the dog.

 

So any advice on EXACTLY what to do? Lately every time I tell him to stop speaking to me that way he goes off on a tangent...and although I know I must get control of him, I'm unsure of appropriate consequences. Especially because *I* get so angry that I can't think straight.

 

Anyone?

 

I just can't imagine that he needs any privileges of any sort until he gets over that. I would probably start with a basic grounding. The next time I would up the ante with something else, maybe take some belongings away. Still not over it? Empty his room except for 7 sets of clothes and a bed. Still not over it? Design a daily diet that is nutritious and healthy but bland and boring and serve it to him every darn day.

 

There is NO excuse for the way he is talking to you.

[Kelli in TN]

Would I really take swimming away from him??? You could bet your life on it.

If you run out of consequences or things to "take away" there's always food.

And before you ask, no, I'm not kidding. There's different levels of feeding. A cold burger with nothing on it in their room (while everyone else eats chips and fries and ice cream and cake) or skipping a meal.

 

And how long before life begins again? When you're d@mn good and ready, that's when. I wouldn't argue/explain this to him either, he's just working you there. I've told mine before "when I think you're sucking up enough to me."

 

Now, this all supposes that when things are good, you have a heart to heart talk about when things are bad. But it sounds like you have that covered.

 

 

WHOA...........you gave him crackers and PB when he didn't like the sandwich??? No way man, crack that whip. And while he's out there pulling weeds pack up those toy cars.

 

:iagree: Can someone get this woman some rep please?

[Kelli in TN]

I just let my head explode...I do NOT tolerate the smart mouth, period. They know, in no uncertain terms, that such behavior will NOT win them any points...LOL This is not a civil, positive reinforcement, type of 'head explosion'...it's the..."YOU WILL NOT TALK TO ME IN THAT TONE AGAIN UNLESS YOU WANT ME TO MAKE YOU RUE THE DAY YOU WERE BORN, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME? ARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH" type of head explosion....LOL I'm sure my approach isn't for everyone....but it works for us....luckily...since I don't know that I could really change my reaction if it didn't. I choose my battles but disrespecting me is NOT something that I will allow to go unchecked.

 

:lol::iagree:

[Scarlett]

 

WHOA...........you gave him crackers and PB when he didn't like the sandwich??? No way man, crack that whip. And while he's out there pulling weeds pack up those toy cars.

 

 

Well, I *did* make him wait an hour and then he had to get his own crackers and pb. Shrug.

 

Ok, he came in after about 10 minutes (and I think he pulled very little weeds) and he was sweet and kind and said he was sorry. So he asks if he can clean up the treasure he found (a hot wheels case). I said, 'I will clean it up while you start on the things you have to do.' He has to practice piano (10 minutes) do some math drill (15) and some Bible reading (5 minutes). So he starts wailing again....'I thought this was summer vacation...wah wah wah.' I just looked at him and said, 'go back out front and pull weeds and don't come back in until I come and get you.' I even locked the front door. When I left he was sitting on the side walk wailing like a 2 year old. Sigh.

 

I had a sweet boy for about 2 minutes.

[nakitty]

Well, I *did* make him wait an hour and then he had to get his own crackers and pb. Shrug.

 

Ok, he came in after about 10 minutes (and I think he pulled very little weeds) and he was sweet and kind and said he was sorry. So he asks if he can clean up the treasure he found (a hot wheels case). I said, 'I will clean it up while you start on the things you have to do.' He has to practice piano (10 minutes) do some math drill (15) and some Bible reading (5 minutes). So he starts wailing again....'I thought this was summer vacation...wah wah wah.' I just looked at him and said, 'go back out front and pull weeds and don't come back in until I come and get you.' I even locked the front door. When I left he was sitting on the side walk wailing like a 2 year old. Sigh.

 

I had a sweet boy for about 2 minutes.

 

good for you!! And I would NOT be giving him that "treasure" for awhile....no matter how sweet he gets...

[Pamela H in Texas]

I think.....

 

y'all need to reconnect, teach proactively, and go back to the basics.

 

I would schedule opportunities to do things like weed pulling, scrubbing kitchen floors, etc TOGETHER. Chat about whatever comes up from the cd you're listening to, his video game, a neat thing heard at a congregation gathering, etc. This is needs to be daily, more than daily....

 

I would start a parental respect "unit study" of sorts. Bible scriptures, YPA, Great Teacher book, etc. I have a word doc of scriptures if you're interested.

 

It may help him to think of each action as slapping God or slapping Satan (Prov 27:11).

 

Another thing that may help is a tallymark sheet. EVERY time he gets out of line, he gets to mark it down. The idea would be to work it down. You may even reward him (I've used rewards a few times; I'm not big on them but sometimes they help get rid of a bad habit or start a new good one) when he gets to a certain level then back down to "good days." For my son, at 8, I would have had to break the day at least in half at very first.

 

As for back to the basics. PRACTICE how he should answer. PRACTICE what obedience looks like. PRACTICE expressing himself appropriate (and in this case, AFTER obedience until he gets it down). When he acts a fool, then have a cue that says, "take a second and try that again." For example, you can say, "take two." Then he can decide whether to just go comply, to express himself appropriately, or to go to his room until he can come out and do so.

 

Also, remember that how you and dad respond models his own ways. Recently you asked the board about books regarding anger management. Now you're saying that you're letting him get to you. If you and dad are angry, saying things with tones, saying inappropriate things, ds will pick up on that. This is an excellent time for the adults to start practicing what they preach in order to exhibit proper behavior, even when things aren't going perfectly.

 

One last thing. He may be feeling overly-controllled. Make sure you are giving him just a tad bit more opportunity, responsibility, etc than you thought he could handle (and/or deserved!). Kids will step up to the plate on such things and it may be exactly what he needs. Sometimes we treat them too young too long.

 

HTHs,

[shell in SC]

he will say, 'how long do I have to be good before I can go back to swim?'

 

 

Made me LOL..

 

Scarlett,

I'm going to post my thoughts about your original post after I read all the responses. . .but I wanted to comment on this one.

 

When I get that I tell him he has to be good all the time. . .I explain that when he starts to slip he can't do (Whatever) till he remembers to start being good again. DS is 10 now so it's in a bit more mature language than that but you get the point. My other answer to that question is till I think that you're ready to go back.

 

shell

[Danestress]

O my goodness. You want to know exactly what to do? I'll do my best, but I would be really annoyed right now after he threw the sandwich to the dog.

 

First of all, I would remember he's an only child, a boy, eight years old, home with Mom. My sister has the exact same situation and she reports that some days it's a bit of a bummer. Her son is pretty head strong, and he's a real joy, but she thinks he feels oppressed by having his Mom constantly there and no one else. When he gets around my boys, he is SO happy for the distraction.

 

I would actually do everything in my power to let him have friends over a lot, go places, do some outdoor activities, have time with buddies. I think that would help. Swim practice probably seems like a long time away to an 8 year old boy.

 

Secondly, I would rethink the mail thing. Personally, my three sons have never received anything other than credit card applications in the mail that I found inappropriate. If this is an important issue for your son, why? Does he feel like he doesn't have privacy? Respect? I would at least hear him out on this. Even if you don't ultimately change your mind, I do think it's important to let him know that you hear what he is saying and aren't just dismissing it. You want respect, he wants respect, you know?

 

But then when he tossed the sandwich to the dog, my sympathy and desire to argue his case went right out the window, lol.

 

I think you need to shut down for the day. Ignore him. Make sure he has no access to anything fun. No tv or computer or anything like that (if you do those things) and you should spend the afternoon reading a great book. And let him know that you are too annoyed right now to talk to him about the consequences of his behavior. Let him stew in how if feels to have Mom not want to talk to him. I found that worked wonders with my son. I really believe that excessive talking does NOT work with kids. All the explanations and arguments you have are making no impact, probably just annoying him. He already knows his behavior was wrong, okay? He totally knows it. So let him stew in it for a good good long time while you happily read a book. And if he comes in and wants to talk, say, "I'm still just really angry, and I don't want to talk to you right now."

 

After a few hours, which will seem like a life time to him, call him in and lay out the punishment. For me, the punishment would be extra work. I wouldn't take swim team away because he probably really NEEDS that exercise and activity. You don't want to spiral into a situation where he feels more and more caged in and bored and under-exercised. I would work his tail off tomorrow - or starting tonight. In the end, the yard would be weeded! And there would be only the briefest conversation about this. Like I said, skil the talk talk talk. With my oldest, I told him he could put any thoughts about it into writing. They argue less if their arguments have to be submitted in written form. He HATED that rule, but man, it really saved my sanity with a young lawyer in the house.

 

And I know we talk about this a lot on the board, so I won't go into it a length, but I am a big believer that if Mom is going to homeschool, MOM needs to be able to handle discipline. I personally wouldn't want to send the message that I really need Dad to handle it for me. I've raised three boys this way, and never felt like in the end I really needed my DH to do the big "no one talks to my wife that way" talk. Mom already means business here:)

[shell in SC]

I just looked at him and said, 'go back out front and pull weeds and don't come back in until I come and get you.'

 

That reminds me of what our counselor told us to do. . .he said when they don't do their chores or give bad attitude about it give them a junk job to do. We mostly use this when the chores we give him are done hurriedly and sloppily. One of our junk jobs is actually going out and shoveling dog doo doo.

 

HTH!

shell

[Tracey in TX]

My comment (when I'm in control) is "I love you enough to establish boundaries. This is not acceptable..."

 

Have mercy, kids can go from cherubic behavior to little toots instantaneously. DS is showing signs of puberty and his emotions fluctuate from joy to sorrow to outrageous anger over the dorkiest issues. When I try to find humor in his actions, it's much easier to get a sincere apology and allows him to see how ridiculous he's being. When I get mad, he imitates my behavior (not mocking, but following my cue) and we get little accomplished.

 

DS has put soap in his mouth before. Other DS went through a swearing phase and actually sighed and asked if he needed to get the soap. Classic!

 

Good luck and hang tough. Your expectations should be followed and respect is a must. Know how to channel DS's behavior before you get too angry. When all else fails, vent here. I'll certainly commiserate with you.

[Scarlett]

I think.....

 

y'all need to reconnect, teach proactively, and go back to the basics.

 

I would schedule opportunities to do things like weed pulling, scrubbing kitchen floors, etc TOGETHER.

 

Well, Pamela, yesterday we WERE pulling weeds together when he had that little fit.

 

I do agree though that he comes by his attitude honestly...he has two intense parents...but that is why I am trying to get a handle on this...because I do not want to parent from that place of anger that I feel when he smart mouths me. He IS just a boy....

 

Just now he knocks on the garage door and when I opened it I found all sweetness and light because his favorite roaming neighborhood dog was standing there. I said, 'Aww...he is sweet. Now don't get side-tracked.' He looks dejected and says, 'mom, do you see any attitude?' I said, 'no. I don't. Are you ready to apologize to me?' He says sorry. I said, 'ok, now it is time to come in and do your chores.' He looks pitiful and says, 'I can't now, Fluffy is here!' So I thought, 'ok I won't micro-manage this....I'll give him a minute or two to pet the dog.' Now he has had about 5 minutes and he still isn't inside. So I am about to go to the door and remind him of his chores. See the pattern? He is sweet as pie as long as things go his way. I bet as soon as I tell him to come and do his work he will stomp around and sulk and complain. Then what? More weeds?

[shell in SC]

My DS was just like this. . .unfortunately when I get extreme back talk my hand gets a mind of it's own and just reaches out there and pops the mouth. I have no control over it.

 

He's definately out growing it. In fact he apologized to his dad and I on Sunday b/c he didn't listen to something we said and got hurt as a result. He never would have done that before (apology). Hopefully this is just a phase for you!

 

We went through a phase where if he didn't get HIS way he would pitch a fit and say he didn't want to do something (that was fun). The example that sticks out in my mind is when we were going to the zoo. he wanted a friend to go with him, but I said no. he said "Fine, I didn't want to go to the zoo anyway!" My response "Fine, then we're not going to go." Of course there would be tears after that, but I was not going to let the kind of thing get out of control.

 

And if he told me he hated something I would do the same thing you did.

 

I don't have much advice, except that I think you're on the right track! I commented on some of your other comments throughout this thread.

 

HTH! Hang in there!

shell

[manylilblessings]

Yep... more weeds. I've got some if you run out. You're letting your mommy heart get in the way of his consequence. He shouldn't have had crackers and PB, and he shouldn't have been petting the dog. He's mustering up an act... he hasn't had a heart change.

 

BTW... I've got an 8yo daughter who's going through this. I completely understand.... hang tough, they need for us to be consistent. Kind, but consistent. And, when they have that heart change, we need to be over the top in acknowledging how hard it was for them to change.

[Scarlett]

I think.....

I would start a parental respect "unit study" of sorts. Bible scriptures, YPA, Great Teacher book, etc. I have a word doc of scriptures if you're interested.

 

It may help him to think of each action as slapping God or slapping Satan (Prov 27:11).

 

 

As for back to the basics. PRACTICE how he should answer. PRACTICE what obedience looks like. PRACTICE expressing himself appropriate (and in this case, AFTER obedience until he gets it down). When he acts a fool, then have a cue that says, "take a second and try that again." For example, you can say, "take two." Then he can decide whether to just go comply, to express himself appropriately, or to go to his room until he can come out and do so.

 

 

One last thing. He may be feeling overly-controllled. Make sure you are giving him just a tad bit more opportunity, responsibility, etc than you thought he could handle (and/or deserved!). Kids will step up to the plate on such things and it may be exactly what he needs. Sometimes we treat them too young too long.

 

HTHs,

 

I would like the word document of scriptures Pam. Thanks.

 

I have lately been trying to make him say things again 'correctly.' He will literally say it 10 times hatefully....he is very stubborn.

 

He just came in from petting the dog and asked if he could have some lemonaid he found in the garage refrigerator. I said, 'you may have some lemonaid when you finish your work.' He slings his body around briefly, but I could tell he quickly caught himself and stopped. Now he has wandered off and I have to go find him. I am determined he is going to do this half hour of piano/math/Bible before this day is over.

 

You guys are helping me to stay calm though! :)

[Scarlett]

O my goodness. You want to know exactly what to do? I'll do my best, but I would be really annoyed right now after he threw the sandwich to the dog.

 

*I* threw the sandwich to the dog. He was rather shocked. :)

 

And I also don't involve dh in our day to day struggles...I do think I should be able to handle it, and also dh would immediately use it as an excuse to put him in school. Never mind that a smart mouth boy won't be cured by school but that would be dh's solution. I don't hide things from dh...and I might mention in private to dh that we are having a bit of an attitude problem...but I don't say, 'Wait til your dad gets home!'

 

Ds is very social and I do keep him VERY busy. We were gone on a long weekend and got home late Sunday. Yesterday I had housework to catch up on...and my neighbor asked me to watch her kids for a few hours in the afternoon so he had them to play with in spite of his attitude in the flower bed yesterday morning. His dad came home and played soccer with him for a hour or so while I went to the store.

 

This morning we were busy with swim and errands until about noon....He isn't trapped inside the house with nothing to do very often. He just wants to do what HE wants to do.

[Scarlett]

Small success....I went in search of him and found him laying with his head on the dog in the garage. I leaned down, touched him gently and said, 'ds? You aren't obeying me.' He opens his eyes and says, 'ok. mom.' Hops up and comes in with ZERO attitude to start his chores....we will see if he actually follows through and does them...but at least there was no attitude.

[Tammyla]

Scarlett:grouphug:

 

I'm not going to give advice, but send a hug. He is a boy and they go through these stages of pulling away in order to grow into men. Unfortunately it means they often are rude to mom as a safe way of testing their authority. My sweet boy was a bear at age 8 and we both lived through it. Set some rules and boundaries and stick to them. With love, patience and lots of parenting he will grow up to be a wonderful man. Hang in there.

[Cheryl in NM]

Okay, before I tell y'all this you have to realize that we live on a dirt road. It's a half mile from pavement to our house. Ds, 11, was giving me lip on the way home from baseball last night. I stopped the car after we hit the dirt road and told him to RUN home. I stayed behind him in the car because it was dark. He was mad when we got home, but didn't smart off. I told him to get his stuff from the car and take his shower and "by the way, you ran 10mph until our property and then 5 mph to the driveway". He was so impressed with himself.

 

His martial arts instructor has a motto: If I can't train your mind I WILL train your body.

 

When they don't behave in class they have to duck walk around the mat. I've decided that my new strategy for smart mouth is some sort of pysical activity.

[Cheryl in NM]

Small success....I went in search of him and found him laying with his head on the dog in the garage. I leaned down, touched him gently and said, 'ds? You aren't obeying me.' He opens his eyes and says, 'ok. mom.' Hops up and comes in with ZERO attitude to start his chores....we will see if he actually follows through and does them...but at least there was no attitude.

 

 

YAY!!:hurray:

 

I had one more thought on the swim team thing. I would allow him to continue all required practices/meets, but I would explain to his coach about his behavior problem. In my experience the coaches like to know about these things so they can talk to the kids about being respectful. If you kept him out of swimming it would let his team down and it's not their fault that he's being a smart-mouth. He has an obilgation to the team. Besides, like someone else mentioned, the physical activity is doing him good. Physical activity is very good, expecially, for boys to keep the hormones in check. The actually sweat those hormones right out.

 

You are doing a GREAT job! Just keep your cool, don't yell, be matter of fact (sounds like you already are doing these things). Be consistent and this behavior will get better quickly. You will be able to see the steady progress. And believe it or not, you will have a better relationship with your son for it, even now.

[Scarlett]

YAY!!:hurray:

 

I had one more thought on the swim team thing. I would allow him to continue all required practices/meets, but I would explain to his coach about his behavior problem. In my experience the coaches like to know about these things so they can talk to the kids about being respectful. If you kept him out of swimming it would let his team down and it's not their fault that he's being a smart-mouth. He has an obilgation to the team. Besides, like someone else mentioned, the physical activity is doing him good. Physical activity is very good, expecially, for boys to keep the hormones in check. The actually sweat those hormones right out.

 

You are doing a GREAT job! Just keep your cool, don't yell, be matter of fact (sounds like you already are doing these things). Be consistent and this behavior will get better quickly. You will be able to see the steady progress. And believe it or not, you will have a better relationship with your son for it, even now.

 

Thanks. :) I feel better because *I* am in control...that is worth something. I'm exhausted though....how long can one little boy delay 30 minutes worth of chores? He has piano finished, but not until he comes in to announce, 'Mom! I just played Hickory Dickory Dock in F!' Now I have no idea what that even means, so I said as much. So he kindly draws me a picture of a piano and explains it to me. :glare: Not sure why we couldn't just go to his piano to do that. Anyway he is behind me now, on his computer doing some drill, wailing dramatically that he is 'horrible!'

 

I am going to leave him in swim and only use it as last resort for this issue. It isn't to the 'team' level yet...he just started and no one is really depending on him for anything. But I do believe he needs the physically activity and discipline.

[Haiku]

he will say, 'how long do I have to be good before I can go back to swim?'

 

 

And you will say, "Until I decide that you have adjusted your attitude ... permanently." :)

 

We had a very hard first quarter of this year. Lots of things happened that stressed the family and the kids and their behavior went to hell. I worked with them to reign in their behavior but they were still being snotty and rude. I stopped ALL outside activities. When they asked about an activity, I told them, "When I see that you are behaving at home, consistently, then we will pick one activity to add back." It did take a few months, but I think the down time was good for all of us.

 

I have an older child, too (besides the two that I homeschool). When she has a snotty attitude, I tell her, "You may visit your room and vacation there. You can return when you can be pleasant/speak to me politely/listen to me when I'm talking to you/have adjusted your attitude." Not only does it give me a break but also, consistent use of this has greatly decreased the attitude.

 

Tara

[Remudamom]

Checking in on you after I got in!

 

I think everyone who is telling you to parent his heart is absolutely right, and I think it should be addressed during a good time, not a bad time.

 

And very very very gently, it seems to me from your posts that you've backed down several times today. The reason I'm a hard @$$ on things like this is because the sooner you make your stand the sooner the good times roll. Every day makes it harder to correct. Every. Day.

[Scarlett]

Checking in on you after I got in!

 

I think everyone who is telling you to parent his heart is absolutely right, and I think it should be addressed during a good time, not a bad time.

 

And very very very gently, it seems to me from your posts that you've backed down several times today. The reason I'm a hard @$$ on things like this is because the sooner you make your stand the sooner the good times roll. Every day makes it harder to correct. Every. Day.

 

Ok. I'm with you. I'm about worn down though. Right now he is in his room with 2 math sheets (maybe 20 problems total) and about a page of Bible reading he needs to do. He is in his room because he is wailing and crying. Now he is just sad. Sobbing, "I can't do it! Help me mom, help me. I'm so hungry. Please mommy. Help me. I'm so stupid! (hits himself in the head). I've wasted my day and now it will be time for bed." The smart mouth is gone and he is just pitiful and sobbing.

 

Sigh. I told him he could eat when his work is done.

[Remudamom]

Bless his little eight year old heart!

 

Hang tough, it'll be over sooner.

[Scarlett]

Whispering......I think I won. After 45 minutes of crying and sobbing and multiple trips into the kitchen to beg me to 'help' him he came out with a cheerful face, handed me his math sheets and said, 'I'm done.' I then told him he had to read his Bible reading....I had him circle in pencil the words he didn't know and we will go over those tomorrow....He asked for a snack, I gave it to him and he is out side now.

 

Whew.

[Danestress]

*I* threw the sandwich to the dog. He was rather shocked. :)

 

 

 

 

Oh, well that's much better! I was cracking up and yet feeling very sympathetic to your anger when I imagined him doing it:)

 

Scarlett, it's a hard age for some boys. It sounds like you do a great job, but there are still hard days. My first son just made me crazy with this kind of stuff - the stubbornness was extraordinary.

 

Hang in there. Tomorrow will be a better day. I'm almost sure!

[Scarlett]

Oh, well that's much better! I was cracking up and yet feeling very sympathetic to your anger when I imagined him doing it:)

 

Scarlett, it's a hard age for some boys. It sounds like you do a great job, but there are still hard days. My first son just made me crazy with this kind of stuff - the stubbornness was extraordinary.

 

Hang in there. Tomorrow will be a better day. I'm almost sure!

 

Thanks. I'm actually surprised that everyone thought it was ok to throw his sandwich to the dog! LOL. It just went all over me though.

 

I did remain calm the ENTIRE day. THAT is the big victory. I'm exhausted though and I got very little else accomplished---since I was posting every 5 minutes....:001_smile:

 

I've written out his list of things to do tomorrow. I've told him I hope he has a better day tomorrow and I expressed sympathy to him that HE made his day so hard.

[Chris in VA]

Just :grouphug:

 

Hang in there. Stay consistent, try not to micromanage, maybe try a contract approach--

Contract--or covenant, if that floats your boat--I (child) will do this, this and this. If I don't, this this and this will happen. Each and Every Time.

Parent--I will do this this and this. Factor in forgiveness and trying again. Make it as concrete as possible, and don't just do punishments, but rewards, too. And some rewards are, of course, happiness and peace.

 

A Chore Covenant, for example (hastily typed)

 

"I, Nature Girl, will do my chores, which include making my bed, taking my laundry downstairs, setting the table, emptying the trash around the house when asked, and feeding the dog, without whining and by 9 am each day (or whatever, of course this will all vary).

 

If I do my chores, Jesus will be pleased with my obedience to his command to honor my parents, and it will go well with me because I have followed his way (cite verse). If I choose to disobey by either not doing my chores or by doing them in with a bad attitude, then the consequence from my parents will be (insert consequence). I also understand Jesus and my parents will still love me, but allowing me to remain disobedient is not loving, and it is for my own training and good that they will apply consequences.

 

We, Mommy and Daddy, will provide food, shelter, clothing, schooling, guidance and spiritual leadership, and a reasonable amt of attention, in a loving and kind manner. We will treat you with respect, and require respect in return. We will not give you more chores than we feel is reasonable."

 

That's not the best example, of course, but it does help some kids to spell it out.

 

The last thing I wanted to say is, ask your husband to build his relationship with his son. He will be able to connect on a different level. And just because ds is busy with you doesn't mean he is really "busy." Try to involve him in a big project he can do with his dad.

[Scarlett]

The last thing I wanted to say is, ask your husband to build his relationship with his son. He will be able to connect on a different level. And just because ds is busy with you doesn't mean he is really "busy." Try to involve him in a big project he can do with his dad.

 

Thanks. I do like the contract idea....and dh is learning a new (for him) computer language and wants to teach it to ds. I think that is an excellent idea.

[LauraGB]

I hate to be the one to play devils advocate. But, here goes.

 

My ds is 9. We have gone through spurts like this. My reaction was, ahem, much less controlled than yours. However, in hindsight (and for my own reference in the future) I can see a pattern with him. I think, just like with girls, there is an uncontrollable burst ( perhaps it hormones or something) that screams growth and space to move ahead a few steps. Added responsibility, individuality, space to make some of his own decisions. I did not immediately see this behavior as an emotional growth spurt, I saw it as combat. Admittedly, I was wrong. Perhaps he needs to move to the next level? Let him make his own sandwich if he doesn't like the way you make it. In fact, let him be responsible for feeding himself lunch, period. He's 8 - he should know when he is hungry and take care of that. Set him up a with a chore list that he understands and knows he has to complete each day and offer a weekly reward for completing the list (and stick to it - if he does it, give him what he earned, if he doesn't, well, better luck next week). Let him know what you expect from him scholastically each day. Make sure he understands. Let him know what you do, as a parent, for him every day of your life. Make sure he understands that, too (not saying necessarily a "guilt trip", but be honest and explain that you do it because you love him). He may understand more than you think. Decide with dh or on your own what the punishmet(s) for disrespectful words are in your house and explain very clearly to him and stick to it. And I would do all this one on one with him, but make the rules universal to everyone in the household.

 

That said, I just heard my dc in the living room yelling "No, I didn't!", "Yes you did!" "No, I didn't!"... so I went in to see what the deal was. Ds instantly started to breath dramatically as though he were hyperventilating and told me dd punched him in the "solar plex". She said "No, I didn't, and stop breathing like that, you faker!" I stood there, hands on hips, looking from one to the other, calculating my next move and before I knew it, I growled in my loudest and deepest one for a while, "School! Monday morning! Enough of this summer break bologna sausage!"

 

So, you know, take my advice for what its worth. (shrug :blush: )

 

PS Good for you for being strong enough to throw out the sandwich - my kid would have been whittling away at that thing for every meal we had until it was gone :)

[Scarlett]

My ds is 9. We have gone through spurts like this. My reaction was, ahem, much less controlled than yours. ....I stood there, hands on hips, looking from one to the other, calculating my next move and before I knew it, I growled in my loudest and deepest one for a while, "School! Monday morning! Enough of this summer break bologna sausage!"

 

So, you know, take my advice for what its worth. (shrug :blush: )

 

PS Good for you for being strong enough to throw out the sandwich - my kid would have been whittling away at that thing for every meal we had until it was gone :)

 

Just FTR, I am often not controlled with ds. I was today--thanks to the hand holding here. And when I called my mom later she made me mad about the whole thing and here is a part of the email she sent me just now--

 

>>I know ds8 has to be corrected, but it just seems like you talk so mean to him. I think you inherited (or learned) this from me. I have always had a harsh sounding voice. J (her dh of 7 years) has really helped me to see it and to change the way I speak. I hope you will take this to heart. Correct that boy but in a loving voice. He craves your approval. He loves you and it really hurts him for you to be mad at him. But I think he is reacting just the way he has learned from you. In anger. Or sarcasm.

 

I love you too Scarlett. If I could be your Mommy again I would not be so harsh sounding. I don't want to be harsh now.>>

 

:crying:

[Remudamom]

I think that's a sweet note from your mom, and she's right. You can be firm and calm at the same time.

[Cheryl in NM]

Okay, just got home from baseball again...ds got to ride in the car tonight. Whoo-hoo!

 

 

I did remain calm the ENTIRE day. THAT is the big victory. I'm exhausted though and I got very little else accomplished---since I was posting every 5 minutes....:001_smile:

 

I've written out his list of things to do tomorrow. I've told him I hope he has a better day tomorrow and I expressed sympathy to him that HE made his day so hard.

 

It sounds like you've done a great job today. I'll let you in on a secret. The women in my family are yellers, grand, say anything to make your point and get your way yellers. It has been a LONG struggle and sometimes I backslide. I've NEVER felt PROUDER OF MYSELF then the very first day I controlled myself in the midst of a raging 8 year old little boy. That, along with dh's encouragement, fueled my desire and ability to continue to do so more than half the time now. I feel your exhaustion and commend you for keeping your cool.

 

It's very good that you made sure to let him know that HE ruined his day. You might mention at some point that he also ruins your day also. Of course, this needs to happen when he's not throwing a fit. They are so sensitive at that age! One of my rules is that we can't have conversations when ds isn't being reasonable.

 

I hate to be the one to play devils advocate. But, here goes.

 

My ds is 9. We have gone through spurts like this. My reaction was, ahem, much less controlled than yours. However, in hindsight (and for my own reference in the future) I can see a pattern with him. I think, just like with girls, there is an uncontrollable burst ( perhaps it hormones or something) that screams growth and space to move ahead a few steps. Added responsibility, individuality, space to make some of his own decisions. I did not immediately see this behavior as an emotional growth spurt, I saw it as combat. Admittedly, I was wrong. Perhaps he needs to move to the next level? Let him make his own sandwich if he doesn't like the way you make it. In fact, let him be responsible for feeding himself lunch, period. He's 8 - he should know when he is hungry and take care of that. Set him up a with a chore list that he understands and knows he has to complete each day and offer a weekly reward for completing the list (and stick to it - if he does it, give him what he earned, if he doesn't, well, better luck next week). Let him know what you expect from him scholastically each day. Make sure he understands. Let him know what you do, as a parent, for him every day of your life. Make sure he understands that, too (not saying necessarily a "guilt trip", but be honest and explain that you do it because you love him). He may understand more than you think. Decide with dh or on your own what the punishmet(s) for disrespectful words are in your house and explain very clearly to him and stick to it. And I would do all this one on one with him, but make the rules universal to everyone in the household.

 

I totally agree with this. My ds gets his own lunch; he has a timeframe that he needs to eat within, say between 11-1. I forgot that when we started having such trouble I wrote down all that he was responsible for. We made a token system and tied his tv/video/liesure reading time to it. He had to earn every minute of that time. If he argued or had a bad attitude not only would he NOT earn his token, but he could have a token taken away depending on how bad the behavior was. It worked great. So much so that we don't need that system anymore. Now we have a chore chart and he's only allowed to read the Bible in the am until the chores are done. He can do the chores whenever he wants, but can't watch tv/play games/read a novel/jump on the tramp until the chores are done. Of course, he's 11, I don't think that would have worked a few years ago. I had to take a hard look at what behavior's I might have been 1)setting the example for and 2)encouraging by treating him like a "little kid". I let him control as much as he can in his life. He's has parameters that he has to follow, if he blows it then there are punishments. He's pretty good about staying within his parameters. We are now struggling with arguing and disrespect. I think it's common for only sons to think they should relate the same to Mom and Dad does. It's hard for onlies to recognize the parent/child line, IMHO.

 

That said, I just heard my dc in the living room yelling "No, I didn't!", "Yes you did!" "No, I didn't!"... so I went in to see what the deal was. Ds instantly started to breath dramatically as though he were hyperventilating and told me dd punched him in the "solar plex". She said "No, I didn't, and stop breathing like that, you faker!" I stood there, hands on hips, looking from one to the other, calculating my next move and before I knew it, I growled in my loudest and deepest one for a while, "School! Monday morning! Enough of this summer break bologna sausage!"

 

I LOVE this! I'm almost to that point with OUR summer vacation!

 

So, you know, take my advice for what its worth. (shrug :blush: )

 

PS Good for you for being strong enough to throw out the sandwich - my kid would have been whittling away at that thing for every meal we had until it was gone :)

 

Ditto.

 

Just FTR, I am often not controlled with ds. I was today--thanks to the hand holding here. And when I called my mom later she made me mad about the whole thing and here is a part of the email she sent me just now--

 

>>I know ds8 has to be corrected, but it just seems like you talk so mean to him. I think you inherited (or learned) this from me. I have always had a harsh sounding voice. J (her dh of 7 years) has really helped me to see it and to change the way I speak. I hope you will take this to heart. Correct that boy but in a loving voice. He craves your approval. He loves you and it really hurts him for you to be mad at him. But I think he is reacting just the way he has learned from you. In anger. Or sarcasm.

 

I love you too Scarlett. If I could be your Mommy again I would not be so harsh sounding. I don't want to be harsh now.>>

 

:crying:

 

Take your mom at face value, even if you think she doesn't deserve it. It will give you peace of mind. It sounds like she genuinely sees the error of her parenthood and wants to pass this on to you. She's taking responsibility and trying to tell you what she should have taught you. It's okay, you are doing fine.

[Rosie_0801]

After a few minutes of that he asked, 'hey mom, after I finish this do you think (neighbor kids) could come over and play?' I said, 'no, not today, we have a lot to do. You will see them at swim tomorrow though.' Immediately, he goes into sour mode and says, 'Now Mom, that is what you always say. And I'm getting tired of it.' I said, 'don't speak to me in that tone.' He says, 'why, because you know its true and you don't want to hear it?' With a very smart ugly tone. (not that I can imagine those words being acceptable in ANY tone).

 

Beat me with a big stick if you like, but I think he's entitled to some display of emotion. What would have happened if, to his first comment, you'd said "I'm tired of saying it, but that's how life is sometimes."

 

And just now, I was making him a sandwich and I asked him to go get the mail while I got his lunch ready. I am expecting test scores and told him to be sure and not open the mail, but to bring it all to me. (he has gotten into this habit of rummaging through my mail). He says, 'even if it has my name on it?' I said, 'yes. Even if it has your name on it, I want to see it first.' (and this is true even if I wasn't expecting test scores....too many things that are inappropriate might show up in the mail)

 

Did you tell him why you look? Perhaps you can come to a compromise? He can open it, but has to in front of you?

 

I stood there for a minute...and then told him to go sit in the chair until I told him to get up. He did it, but very angrily.

 

You can't really expect him to be happy about it; but you don't have to pay attention to it either.

 

How many of these situations could be handled, do you think, by saying "I quite understand that you are angry, but I'm not interested in hearing about it in so much detail. Please come back when you are feeling friendly again." If he still tries to complain at you, "You are clearly not feeling friendly, and neither am I now. Shoo."

 

Just my thoughts... I grew up in a house where only Mum was allowed to display negative emotions. It wasn't a good system.

Rosie

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

Scarlett, thank you for your original post. I have fallen into a depressed state over my oldest ds (11) and his smart-mouth and disrespectful attitude. I sat down last night after another exhausting day with him and was on the verge of tears when I opened your thread. Like you, I have a hard time controlling my own anger and sarcasm is my middle name:confused:. We seem to be arguing all the time.

 

I feel war-torn and miss my loving little boy (What a great toddler he was!) terribly. I feel like a terrible mother for wanting him to go to ps just to get him out of my sight. I feel badly for his younger brother who takes the brunt of his sibling's anger.

 

The wise Hive has given such great advice in response to your thread. I feel like I could form a plan of action based on all them.

 

Today I will be praying for you Scarlett. I wanted to let you know that I am in the trenches with you. I will get control of myself and my own behaviors that feed the misery (sarcasm, over-talking, seething). I will reconnect and assure my child that I love him. I will write up a contract of behavior (regarding both my own and my children's) with my children's input. I will lay out consequences for disrespectful attitude.

 

I know I must do these things to turn this situation around, thank you HIVE for the push. Again, thank you Scarlett for the op. Hugs to you.

 

K

[Scarlett]

Beat me with a big stick if you like, but I think he's entitled to some display of emotion. What would have happened if, to his first comment, you'd said "I'm tired of saying it, but that's how life is sometimes."

 

 

 

Did you tell him why you look? Perhaps you can come to a compromise? He can open it, but has to in front of you?

 

 

 

You can't really expect him to be happy about it; but you don't have to pay attention to it either.

 

How many of these situations could be handled, do you think, by saying "I quite understand that you are angry, but I'm not interested in hearing about it in so much detail. Please come back when you are feeling friendly again." If he still tries to complain at you, "You are clearly not feeling friendly, and neither am I now. Shoo."

 

Just my thoughts... I grew up in a house where only Mum was allowed to display negative emotions. It wasn't a good system.

Rosie

 

We all show LOTS of emotion in this house. I think that is part of the problem. He is a drama king and I am working at toning it down in him. I certainly allow him to show emotion...

 

I am thinking that you all might be on to something when you say he might be feeling too controlled. I do tend to micromanage him and want things done MY way. Little things.....but I guess they add up. I will work on this.

[Scarlett]

Take your mom at face value, even if you think she doesn't deserve it. It will give you peace of mind. It sounds like she genuinely sees the error of her parenthood and wants to pass this on to you. She's taking responsibility and trying to tell you what she should have taught you. It's okay, you are doing fine.

 

 

Oh, I do. I had the crying face because it made me weepy, not because I feel animosity toward her. What made me mad is when I called her up at 6:00 EXCITED about how I had handled him and she cut me off and said she didn't want to hear it because she couldn't take it how he was always in trouble. I didn't get to tell her about how calm I was all day.

 

I think of my mom as a great mom. I don't really remember her being harsh with me....but she is right we do have that tendency and I really really want to work on it----not just in dealing with my son but in dealing with every one in my life. It is a defense mechanism----I don't *feel* harsh...usually. ;)

[Scarlett]

Scarlett' date=' thank you for your original post.

 

Today I will be praying for you Scarlett. I wanted to let you know that I am in the trenches with you. I will get control of myself and my own behaviors that feed the misery (sarcasm, over-talking, seething). I will reconnect and assure my child that I love him. I will write up a contract of behavior (regarding both my own and my children's) with my children's input. I will lay out consequences for disrespectful attitude.

 

I know I must do these things to turn this situation around, thank you HIVE for the push. Again, thank you Scarlett for the op. Hugs to you.

 

K[/quote']

 

Ds is not yet awake, but I'm gearing up for a good day with him. Let me know how your day goes!