When you tell someone something...

[dangermom]

In general, yes, but once in a while I've been asked (or asked myself) to not let the information get even that far. I'm just fine with that, assuming it's not criminal or something.

 

My husband and I are both used to being privy to confidential information in a church context that we do not share with each other.

[Dealea86]

Yes, I assume they would share with their spouse. I don't keep secrets from my dh, but I don't make a point to tell him every little thing friends share with me. His eyes would glaze over.

 

:iagree:

 

I would think most marriages work this way. You try not to keep secrets from your spouse, and to me that means even if it's a matter of confidence. I can tell my sister, "I can't tell you that. She asked me not to tell." But it just doesn't seem right for me to say the same thing to my husband.

 

But, of course, that doesn't mean I actually tell him everything. He would be bored to tears. And odds are that even if I told him, he wouldn't even remember the conversation the next week.

[Bluegoat]

I would tend to assume they do. In cases where people confide things to me though, I don't assume I can tell my spouse. If I think they might be embarrassed or it really just doesn't concern him, I probably wouldn't.

 

I also wouldn't expect him to tell me about confidential things he was told by friends.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I should have added the bolded to my post as well. I don't hide anything from my DH. If someone asked me to keep a secret from my DH, then I would ask them not to tell me whatever it was they wanted to share. However, this doesn't mean that I go hunting my DH down to unload everything on him. If it comes up in conversation or if I want to ask his opinion on it or if I want us to pray about a situation or for someone, I share the information.

 

:iagree:

[Trish]

... And it is something understood to be confidential, do you assume that they may share it with their spouse?

 

Yes. And when people tell me something confidentially, I always tell them beforehand that I share stuff with my husband (who can keep things confidential), so if that's a problem they shouldn't tell me. But, there is definitely stuff I haven't shared with him too.

[Bluegoat]

So those people who will not keep things from a husband - if a family member of friend asked you for advice about a serious situation they had and wanted it to be confidential, you would tell them to find someone else?

 

I find that hard to understand. I think honestly and communication in marriage is totally primary to a good marriage. But I don't think that means you can't have any confidences, and I wouldn't consider that to be a secret. It is just someone else's private information.

 

My dh and I though were both in professions that required confidentiality, so I guess we always both knew that that particular sort of transparency was not a possibility.

[Soror]

I do not tell DH things that friends tell me in confidence, but like a pp I assume that other people do. Actually, I assume that most people will tell not only their spouse, but also their sister, mutual friends, etc., even if you ask them not to, so I never tell anyone anything that I'm not comfortable being general knowledge

 

If I assumed that about my "friends" I wouldn't have them as friends. Some how we've managed to be happily married and very close for 13 yrs now. Neither of us feel that is keeping secrets as those things I wouldn't disclose are things not relating to us or our relationship. I wouldn't think very highly of a dh who shared things meant for him in confidence either. Fwiw you can ask for prayers for friends as well without disclosing the nitty gritty details. My close friends reveal raw and big secrets and thoughts of their personal life. I don't see how that would even come up without gossiping as he wouldn't need to know it.

[sheryl]

No, not at all.

[Soror]

Obviously this bothers me as I keep thinking on it. I'm thinking I need to have a discussion with a few friends to verify what they say or don't say. My 2 closest friends though I already know wouldn't share all my details with their spouse. I'm trying to envision where it would appropriately come up in a conversation for me to share details of about my friend's sex lives, the more I think the more I think of things that I cannot see why I would share that.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Obviously this bothers me as I keep thinking on it. I'm thinking I need to have a discussion with a few friends to verify what they say or don't say. My 2 closest friends though I already know wouldn't share all my details with their spouse. I'm trying to envision where it would appropriately come up in a conversation for me to share details of about my friend's sex lives, the more I think the more I think of things that I cannot see why I would share that.

 

And I can't think of a situation where I or any of my friends would ever share anything about our sex lives. . .

 

We all have different relationships with others - our spouse, our friends, our family. You can be happy in how your's works without putting down others for how theirs works.

[Dustybug]

So those people who will not keep things from a husband - if a family member of friend asked you for advice about a serious situation they had and wanted it to be confidential, you would tell them to find someone else?

 

I find that hard to understand. I think honestly and communication in marriage is totally primary to a good marriage. But I don't think that means you can't have any confidences, and I wouldn't consider that to be a secret. It is just someone else's private information.

 

My dh and I though were both in professions that required confidentiality, so I guess we always both knew that that particular sort of transparency was not a possibility.

 

I can only answer for myself, but I would be upfront and tell them that there would be a chance that I shared it with my DH. Like I added on though, this doesn't mean that I would run to him immediately to spill the beans, but if I wanted to pray or discuss how I could help, etc., I would share the info. I've never had anyone be offended by this or choose to not tell me something because of it my stance on this.

 

I guess for me, it's hard to see the other side as there isn't anything that I would tell someone else that was so confidential that I would care if their husband knew about it. In my most difficult times throughout life(and believe me they are BAD), I mostly kept things to myself and the things I did share were things that wouldn't bother me if they got out to anyone.

 

If it were something that was required of our profession, of course that would be different. This only applies to general life for me.

[mytwomonkeys]

for me, it depends on the person and the content. my husband and i share our lives intimately and honestly about everything, but there are some things that aren't really relevant to share. it isn't that we don't trust each other, it's more often the case that sharing the information profits nothing. we often give cliff notes without details, if that makes sense. if one of us really asked questions, i'm sure we'd give more detail. usually that's not the case though and we respect the privacy of the person at hand. my husband doesn't need to hear intimate details about a friend's struggles. likewise, my husband hears things often at church that simply are none of my business. being his wife doesn't entitle me to know everyone's problems. not to mention, how could he possibly remember it all to tell me??

[SonshineLearner]

I don't pass most things on... I feel like if I pass it on, it may not be put in the "don't pass on" part of his brain. He would never pass it on... on purpose, but I think it's harder for guys to remember what's a "secret" :)

[BMW]

I have rarely asked a close friend to keep something in such strict confidence... but I have asked it. If my dearest friend could not keep it between the two of us and it meant that much to me, I simply wouldn't share what I had to share. But, my closest friend did agree and she has kept my confidence. I am grateful for that because she is my dearest friend and we have walked down life's road as close friends for many, many years... I think the situation has to warrant the request and if someone cannot risk a spouse being told and that preference cannot be respected, one shouldn't speak of it... Sometimes life requires strict confidence.

[Danestress]

if he felt that as a married couple we "share everything" and therefore he should share with me the things a guy friend tells him in confidence. I think men who talk to him about their struggles, whether in relationships, with substances, with lust, money etc, should feel that he wouldn't go blab it all to me, and if he did, I honestly would wonder what is wrong with him. There would need to be a REASON to talk to me about it - not just because it's on his mind and he wants to share. And there isn't a reason, except that he might be curious for my opinion, but I don't think that would justify divulging things to me, and neither does he. To my knowledge, though, my DH doesn't have men outside of his professional role (he is an attorney) who confide personal things to him regularly, so this is hypothetical.

 

Likewise, I am not going to tell my husband after coffee with a friend everything we talked about. Most of it is none of his business, and I would also be a little concerned about my husband if he were even vaguely interested in the stuff women talk about. He loves some of my friends and cares about them, but I don't think he needs to know the details of the things that they struggle with.

 

As for when I confide, honestly, I have learned to not confide in women very much. I think few people really truly keep confidences well, as evidenced by feeling that it is appropriate to tell one's husband everything, lol. At the same time, I haven't had a lot of secrets in my life. Most things, if I tell one friend, it's the type of thing I would be okay with other people knowing too. I can't think of the last time I had any thing that I needed to closely guard. Maybe my life is really boring.

[KungFuPanda]

This question came up some time ago here and I was astonished that so many wives would share something a friend said with their dhs! After that thread I vowed to share nothing with friends that I wasn't ready to have passed on because until that thread I never thought of my words going any further than the immediate conversation, that something I shared in confidence would actually be told to someone else, even a husband.

 

My husband doesn't ask about my conversations with friends. It wouldn't occur to him to do so and, if I ever start to share something a friend told me, he stops me and asks if I have that friend's permission to tell him. I really respect him for that and my friends do as well. My friends also know that whatever they tell me stays with me. I cherish that trust.

 

:iagree: DH and I are vaults. If a friend tells us something in confidence we can be trusted to not go blabbering it to ANYone. We have plenty of other topics for discussion.

[Hannah C.]

After reading more of this thread, I've decided to post again...

 

My best friend is someone my DH is also friends with and cares about, though of course he doesn't know her nearly as well as I do. Because of this, he will sometimes ask how she is doing or what is going on. He will know if something is wrong with her and she's talking to me about it - it would be impossible to hide it. I will often say something in general terms - family issues, or worried about x thing in her relationship. He doesn't ask for details and even if he does, I probably won't provide them even though I know them. I don't see how I could *not* do this, except in hypothetical extreme situations - in which case I'm sure she would tell me that she did NOT want this to be shared with even my DH. In those cases, I would probably ask if I could tell DH if I wanted his input. If I didn't, I would tell him that it was a personal matter and he'd leave it at that. She and I will also often discuss very funny, light, but personal things which also involve our significant others, and I do not share any of those details with my DH. My best friend's significant other expects that much of what happens in their relationship will end up being told to me... :P but it doesn't go farther than that. None of this involves significant-other bashing, either - I avoid that as much as possible. Usually when discussing frustration with my spouse, I find that I'm talking about my reaction and not so much his action.

 

My husband may share a general "status update" about a mutual friend that he is closer to - he's doing fine, or his job is bad, or there are family issues. He wouldn't tell me more than that, most likely.

 

I don't see a problem with this, and I have no problem with that level of information being shared with others' significant others. I also trust that most people do not run home and share every detail of their conversations with their spouse - I expect it will be discussed if it comes up, and if so it will probably be fine. I wouldn't hesitate to ask a friend not to tell a spouse if I felt uncomfortable with the spouse knowing about it, but there's little in my life that I feel that way about.

[Peaceful Isle]

I have one friend that is really close. We share lots of "girly" confidential things. Our husbands wouldn't want to know. ;)

But, other than that one friend, if I told someone else something in confidence, I have always had it in the back of my mind, that there is a chance the hubby will know someday. It doesn't bother me. Just makes me be more careful what I say.

Do I share everything with my dh? Umm, it depends on if it is relative to him. I have a horrible memory ( thank you fibro! ) so I tend to forget stuff as well! :D

All that to say, that I do not intentionally "hide" things from dh, but I'm not one that runs as fast as I can to "tell him the news!" He is the same way. We have a great relationship.

I'm kind of laid back like that.

[Dolphin]

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Edited May 24, 2012 by Northwest_Mama

[AuntieM]

I assume the dh will find out. It is actually maddening sometimes; I haven't had a close confidante since moving several years ago.

 

When someone shares something of a confidential nature with me, I do not typically share the info with dh. I would if I thought there was a good reason he needed to know, or if he could be of some help under the circumstances. Most of the time I don't want anything shared in confidence to color his opinion of her, kwim?

[Lizzie in Ma]

For the most part, yes.

[tntgoodwin]

...

Likewise, I had some girlfriends over the other nights, and we were sharing "scandalous" things from our youth. I would never repeat those to my husband- they wouldn't edify him or his relationship with my friends in any way. And I can honestly say my only motivation for sharing them would be the enjoyment of gossip. So I keep my mouth closed.....

 

Did those things edify you or your relationships with your friends in some way?

 

 

 

I am in a situation where I can not tell my wife certain things (work-related).

But as far as situations where it is something a friend tells one of us, it should be expected that the information could be shared by both of us. As others have mentioned, we are one, and we do not keep secrets. That doesn't mean we share everything necessarily, because the information may not be of interest to each other.

If someone specifically asked me not to tell my wife something, that would raise red flags with me. If it's like, "Hey, promise you won't tell your wife, but we bought her this gift." well, yeah, I would make sure to not tell her.

[mytwomonkeys]

Did those things edify you or your relationships with your friends in some way?

 

 

 

I am in a situation where I can not tell my wife certain things (work-related).

But as far as situations where it is something a friend tells one of us, it should be expected that the information could be shared by both of us. As others have mentioned, we are one, and we do not keep secrets. That doesn't mean we share everything necessarily, because the information may not be of interest to each other.

If someone specifically asked me not to tell my wife something, that would raise red flags with me. If it's like, "Hey, promise you won't tell your wife, but we bought her this gift." well, yeah, I would make sure to not tell her.

 

yes, but it doesn't have to be a red flag situation. it could just be your best friend or brother talking about his impotence and how that's affecting his marriage (hypothetical). sometimes someone's issue is just that, their issue. it doesn't mean we are omitting are spouse from an important aspect of our life, it just means we are respecting the privacy of a friend. your wife i'm sure trust you enough to realize you would not withhold something profitable or important for her to know. but i will say that i think this should be the exception and not the norm. i can't think of anything right now that i have been asked to withhold from my husband. however, there are things i haven't told him about friends and their relationships simply because i know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he wouldn't care to know any of it. likewise, i'm sure there are things my husband knows about others that i do not know at all. i'm fine with that. his knowledge of something doesn't make it my business automatically, especially when it comes to others misfortunes.

[justLisa]

Whoa this is so strange to me! DH and I keep friends confidentiality to ourselves. I had no idea most people share friends secrets with their spouse! ONE time DH asked his best friend if he could share something with me because it would benefit me. Friend agreed and I was thankful.

[laughing lioness]

Yes. If someone says they want to share something confidential I will tell them that I usually share everything with my spouse. Informed consent and all that. My dh's job is mostly confidential. When I was doing therapy, same thing. That's a given. Personal relationships are different.

[ByGrace3]

Yes, I share everything with dh and I expect others to. If I cannot share it with him, I do not want to know it.

 

I will add this is not reciprocated by my spouse, although it would under normal circumstances. :tongue_smilie: Dh is a Christian counselor and besides confidentiality with clients, pp tend to talk to him about things simply due to his profession. DH treats this more along confidential lines if someone is asking for counseling help, even on a nonprofessional/ personal level.

[arghmatey]

I assume they tell anyone they feel like telling, so I usually don't share confidential information.

 

Also, before allowing someone to tell me something confidential, I make sure they know I tell my partner everything.

[happyhomemaker]

yes, but it doesn't have to be a red flag situation. it could just be your best friend or brother talking about his impotence and how that's affecting his marriage (hypothetical). sometimes someone's issue is just that, their issue. it doesn't mean we are omitting are spouse from an important aspect of our life, it just means we are respecting the privacy of a friend. your wife i'm sure trust you enough to realize you would not withhold something profitable or important for her to know. but i will say that i think this should be the exception and not the norm. i can't think of anything right now that i have been asked to withhold from my husband. however, there are things i haven't told him about friends and their relationships simply because i know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he wouldn't care to know any of it. likewise, i'm sure there are things my husband knows about others that i do not know at all. i'm fine with that. his knowledge of something doesn't make it my business automatically, especially when it comes to others misfortunes.

 

:iagree: Dh and I don't have secrets. We are "one". I don't hide anything about *myself* from dh. That doesn't mean I get to bear other people's souls to him because I bear my own.

 

I do mention things to dh from time to time, but it's always stuff that's general knowledge type stuff. Sue is pregnant, the Joneses got a minivan, etc. I don't mention how Jane is dealing with her miscarriage or struggling with depression unless she says it's OK. If she wanted dh to know, she would say so or invite us to dinner to discuss her problems. Also, just because you are telling your spouse something about someone else, doesn't mean that's not gossiping.

[Parrothead]

... And it is something understood to be confidential, do you assume that they may share it with their spouse?

No. But I don't share stuff that my friends would bother telling their spouses.

 

If someone tells me something in confidence 99% of the time I'll not tell dh. I do not see us as one person or one entity. I'd be disappointed in dh if he told me (gossiped) about things told to him in confidence.

 

The only time I told dh a confidence was when a friend became emotionally involved with someone not her spouse. I had to tell him in order for him to understand why I dropped that friendship. I couldn't condone the cheating.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I assume the dh will find out. It is actually maddening sometimes; I haven't had a close confidante since moving several years ago.

 

When someone shares something of a confidential nature with me, I do not typically share the info with dh. I would if I thought there was a good reason he needed to know, or if he could be of some help under the circumstances. Most of the time I don't want anything shared in confidence to color his opinion of her, kwim?

 

Oh, I so agree with this.

 

People tend to tell me everything. I have a Dear Abby face, and I'm known for not being surprised when life is messy. But I can't imaging burdening DH with other people's struggles, or exposing their warts to him when he doesn't already love them and can't help.

 

In other words, y'all can tell me your secrets. I don't tell DH my friends' private thoughts. If I did, he'd never say a mumbling word to anyone, but it just seems obvious to me that if you wanted him to know you'd either tell him yourself OR ask me to tell him. Without that, I just don't tell.

 

Hearing all my thoughts is slightly more of an emotional load than he can handle, anyway, although he tries valiantly to stay awake. I love him because he accepts me as I am, 100%, whether I feel like he understands me or not. Sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn't.

[AuntieM]

Oh, I so agree with this.

 

People tend to tell me everything. I have a Dear Abby face, and I'm known for not being surprised when life is messy. But I can't imaging burdening DH with other people's struggles, or exposing their warts to him when he doesn't already love them and can't help.

 

In other words, y'all can tell me your secrets. I don't tell DH my friends' private thoughts. If I did, he'd never say a mumbling word to anyone, but it just seems obvious to me that if you wanted him to know you'd either tell him yourself OR ask me to tell him. Without that, I just don't tell.

 

Hearing all my thoughts is slightly more of an emotional load than he can handle, anyway, although he tries valiantly to stay awake. I love him because he accepts me as I am, 100%, whether I feel like he understands me or not. Sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn't.

 

Hahaha, no kidding. My dh has enough of a challenge just keeping up with my near-perimenopausal self!!!