ProudGrandma Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 I will try to make this as simple as possible. My husband is half way across the country taking a Master's course for 2 weeks. We have 3 children ages 11, 10 and 7. This coming weekend (Sunday afternoon through Monday supper time) so happens to be a small over night retreat that I am not only on the planning committee for, but look forward to going to every year. Normally, my husband is home to care for the kids, but obviously this year he is not. So I have it all lined up that they are going to all stay with some friends of ours who have 5 kids at home....ranging from a senior in HS to 4 years old. The dad of this family is out of town on a buisness trip this week and the mom has to drive 2 1/2 hours Sunday late afternoon to pick up the dad from the airport. I don't know for sure, but it wouldn't surprise me if the mom is not planning on having one of their 2 older girls (the senior and then an 8th grader) stay home with the kids while she ran to the airport, but rather put my oldest and their 11 year old in charge of the rest of the kids. Would you be uncomfortable with this...or is it just me? Like I said, I don't know yet if that will be the case, but I was wondering if I should persue this information or not. The break down of the younger kids is: 2 girls age 11, then then the rest are boys....10, 9, 7 and 4. Both girls have a tendancy to be bossy of their brothers and the boys rebel against that. Oh, I will be abut 1 1/2 hours away from the house. What do you think??? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snickerdoodle Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 With the older girls, maybe. Definitely not with only your older and an 11yo (if I understand correctly). Too many kids for two 11 yo to babysit. That many kids together unsupervised is a recipe for chaos. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 You definitely need to ask now what her plans are while she'll be gone. You cant move forward until you know that, and it's a reasonable question to ask. Is she going to be gone 2 1/2 hours total or one way? If it's total, perhaps come up with a special activity or a fun movie for the kids to watch to keep them busy then, no matter WHO is going to be in charge. Do you ever leave your 11 year old in charge of your other two while you run errands or something? Some do and others don't- it's all about what you're comfortable with and how the kids would feel about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ProudGrandma Posted April 17, 2012 Author Share Posted April 17, 2012 the airport is 2 1/2 hours away (One way) and I have put my 11 year old in charge only if I will be gone for less than 20 minutes or so...and only if I am going to be REALLY close by (like a mile or less). sometimes longer if their father is across the parking lot (at his work)....he is a Pastor and the church is just next door. thanks for the responses. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheReader Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 I would definitely ask her what her plans are for the 5 hours she'll be gone (more like 6 if you factor in waiting for him to get luggage, etc.). Perhaps you can offer to pay the high school senior to stay home and babysit for that time, if she's not already planning to? Or are there other teenage girls in your church that you could hire for that time slot if your friend's dd won't be around? I would not be comfortable with two 11 yr old girls in charge of that many young siblings, especially with the bossy/rebel dynamic you mentioned. Not for that long. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happyhomemaker25 Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 I've left my kids at home minus my two youngest for 5+ hours before. Of course I've been in town less than 30m away. I guess it boils down to how well you trust the kids in charge. I would make sure they had something to do tor that amount of time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 If I were the hostessing mother, there is no way I would agree to leave two 11 year old girls in charge. I would leave the high school senior in charge, all things being equal. If you are not comfortable with that, I would offer to pay another older teen to come as well - maybe tell her you think that is too many children for her daughter and you want to lighten the load. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ProudGrandma Posted April 17, 2012 Author Share Posted April 17, 2012 I would definitely ask her what her plans are for the 5 hours she'll be gone (more like 6 if you factor in waiting for him to get luggage, etc.). Perhaps you can offer to pay the high school senior to stay home and babysit for that time, if she's not already planning to? Or are there other teenage girls in your church that you could hire for that time slot if your friend's dd won't be around? I would not be comfortable with two 11 yr old girls in charge of that many young siblings, especially with the bossy/rebel dynamic you mentioned. Not for that long. ok..that is my gut reaction too. So now I have this question: How do you ask without sounding like you are not trusting the mom or without soundling like you are assuming that she doesn't have this all ready planned out for one of the big girls to be around? Does that make sense?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 Why wouldn't the older girls be available? In any case, I would definitely ask. I would not leave two 11-year-olds home by themselves for that long if no adult was within easy returning distance in case a problem arose. (you more than an hour, and she possibly two-plus hours, wouldn't be close enough in case of a true emergency) Add in all the youngers, and definitely not. With the eighth grader, if she is super responsible and feels comfortable, yes. The high school girl would be better of course. But definitely ask! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ma23peas Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 ok..that is my gut reaction too. So now I have this question: How do you ask without sounding like you are not trusting the mom or without soundling like you are assuming that she doesn't have this all ready planned out for one of the big girls to be around? Does that make sense?? Yes, makes perfect sense...asking the question is fine, it's the hard to mask disappointment in your voice if she says the wrong answer...honestly, I would just skip the retreat...you have gone on it before....but, I just would worry the whole time I was on the retreat about the kids...I would take the time to do something fun with your kids...they may need a 'retreat' of sorts, too :) Plan a quick fun day out with them...something you've never done before..go on a scavenger hunt...hit the parks and swing and slide...make funky cupcakes...get them out and enjoy this wonderful season (wildflower hikes are really cool right now!) Go to a zoo! Sometimes just a change of scenery is a wonderful respite for the mind :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 ok..that is my gut reaction too. So now I have this question: How do you ask without sounding like you are not trusting the mom or without soundling like you are assuming that she doesn't have this all ready planned out for one of the big girls to be around? Does that make sense?? I'd just say, "are both the older girls (insert names) going to be available to watch the kids?" Because high school girls get busy and maybe the oldest won't be. I'd just ask it like I'd assume one or both of them would be in charge. If the response is something other like "I was just going to have the two 11-year-olds (insert names) then you need to say, "Oh I don't know if I trust (your kid's name) for that long without an adult nearby." Realizing of course this may ruin your plans, or another arrangement would have to be made. Is there a good chance that at least the 8th grader is available? The 11-year-olds with that much responsibility just boggles my mind. Are you sure she'd even consider that? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 I think being direct is best, but... You could say, "I'd feel better paying (her oldest) for the babysitting she'll do while you are at the airport. Do you think $30 is reasonable, or does she usually charge more than that?" Pause. Possible responses of hers: "Oh that's so kind of you, but she'll do it for free." "Oh, I wasn't planning on having her babysit. I think they can take care of themselves, can't they?" "She won't be home. But the kids will be fine." I would simply insist nicely that your kids need supervision, more than the 2 11's can do, so I'd ask if (some nice teen you know) could come over for that time, if indeed the olders will not be there. If it boils down to having no supervision, then you don't go to the retreat. Or you go for part of the retreat but not all of it. Sorry. I fully agree with trying your best to go, AND providing enough supervision for the kiddos. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NanceXToo Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 Yeah, I'd definitely ask about this. I'd never leave two 11 year olds home "in charge" of that many younger kids for that many hours. I would just say to the mom, "I know you have to go to the airport on Sunday...I just wanted to make sure your older girls were willing to stay home and watch the kids while you were gone since I'm not comfortable with just the 11 y/o's being in charge. It's a lot of younger kids at once, and you know how the older boys can be when they feel like the girls get bossy and all, so I just wanted to double check. Can I chip in a few dollars for the older girls to babysit or anything?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 You could say, "I'd feel better paying (her oldest) for the babysitting she'll do while you are at the airport. Do you think $30 is reasonable, or does she usually charge more than that?" Pause. I was going to suggest paying for the babysitting as well. Then you make it clear that you think the kids really need to be supervised. And if I would I might offer at least $50. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 Honestly I think I'd find alternate arrangements. Is there another adult who can watch your kids? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 It'll definitely be at least 6 hours that she's gone- way too long to expect your 11 year old to cover. Ask her- she either has planned for supervision or she hasn't- and you need to know. You're not being unreasonable here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 Airports are tricky. If the plane isn't on time or there are baggage problems it could add hours on to the pick up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Country Mouse Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 Airports are tricky. If the plane isn't on time or there are baggage problems it could add hours on to the pick up. :iagree: This is exactly what I thought of also. I would not feel comfortable leaving the kids with an 11yo for such a long time with Mom so far away. I think you should ask your friend directly what the plans are. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 I think being direct is best, but... You could say, "I'd feel better paying (her oldest) for the babysitting she'll do while you are at the airport. Do you think $30 is reasonable, or does she usually charge more than that?" Pause. Possible responses of hers: "Oh that's so kind of you, but she'll do it for free." "Oh, I wasn't planning on having her babysit. I think they can take care of themselves, can't they?" "She won't be home. But the kids will be fine." I would simply insist nicely that your kids need supervision, more than the 2 11's can do, so I'd ask if (some nice teen you know) could come over for that time, if indeed the olders will not be there. If it boils down to having no supervision, then you don't go to the retreat. Or you go for part of the retreat but not all of it. Sorry. I fully agree with trying your best to go, AND providing enough supervision for the kiddos. to keep from being insulting, I would couch it in terms of MY kids. "You know x and y tend to show off when they have friends around and I think that they would not listen to their older sister. Also big sis can get a little bossy when left in charge and sometimes the whole dynamic changes when they have their friends around. Would you mind if I called (insert name of babysitter) and paid her to look after the kids while you are gone?It would make me feel better about the whole situation. I'd hate for my kids to cause a problem for you." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 ok..that is my gut reaction too. So now I have this question: How do you ask without sounding like you are not trusting the mom or without soundling like you are assuming that she doesn't have this all ready planned out for one of the big girls to be around? Does that make sense?? Put the blame on you or your kids: "My 7 year old would be more comfortable with..." and hire someone to watch your kids during that time. Don't make it that you are unhappy with HER plans. That would make her defensive. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
besroma Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 You definitely need to ask now what her plans are while she'll be gone. You cant move forward until you know that, and it's a reasonable question to ask. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2squared Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 (edited) Could you have your friend return your children to a babysitter at your house before she leaves for the airport? I would expect that you should pay for a babysitter at her house since she would be comfortable leaving her kids without one. If you are paying for the sitter either way, maybe the whole situation would be less stressful if the kids were on home turf before she needs to leave? That way you wouldn't have to address your opinions of 11yo babysitting restrictions, and you wouldn't have to worry about any "what ifs." ETA: I reread the OP, and I see that the airport trip happens at the beginning of her babysitting period. Well, what if you hired a babysitter in your home until she was done with her airport trip, and you had her pick up your kids from your house after her dh was home? Edited April 17, 2012 by 2squared Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StaceyinLA Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 I probably wouldn't go. I never like things to be unsettled when I leave my kiddos (or did when they were younger). I just wouldn't have a relaxing time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternalknot Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 This wouldn't bother me, but my family dynamic is set up differently. My younger kids are (always) expected to obey the older kids, and since the older kids (rarely) take advantage of that this kind of arrangment works for us - even when we're all at home together. My friend has four kids, same age span as mine. The siblings are close but have more tendency towards infighting - they're not accustomed to being a hierarchy, so when an older one (tries to) pull rank, the younger ones (will usually) revolt. The situation described in the OP would NOT work for them for longer than 30 minutes. She'd probably need to make alternate arrangments in this case. I don't think anyone would be offended if she described her situation exactly like that: "My kids don't do well when the 11 year old is left in charge of the younger ones" -- it's nothing to do with other family or their choices, it's a non-arguable discernment of one's own family. I like the idea posted earlier about offering to pay one of the older girls to babysit. I hope you're able to make this trip happen :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happyhomemaker25 Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 Wait, I did not see that they were 11. When my second daughter, the one who is usually in charge is with the kids, I always take my baby unless I'll be gone less than an hour. Even then I'll usually load her up into the car and usually take my 6 year old. She is 12 now and my 15 year old is home as well. The 12 year old is just more trustworthy and responsible so she is usually responsible. The 15yo doesn't care she's in her own world. :001_rolleyes: I would not however leave my kids with my 11 year old or any other 11 year old to go out of town for 6 hours. I thought it was the highschooler and the eighth grader. I would ask her what her plans for the airport trip are. I would not be offended if I was watching your kids and you asked me. If you wanted me to take the kids I would probably do that as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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